Sirius knows he should have came sooner. He knew it was selfish if him to hide from reality like this. To have waited so long. But the world has been on fire since that day and it’s going to burn forever. So what’s the point in everyday? The days blend together now, so if sirius tries hard enough he can convince himself it hasn’t been that long at all.
It doesn’t mean he never tried though, because he did. He tried that week. He tried in the days he couldn’t convince himself that remus was sitting on the couch in the other room.
Some days he would run all the way to the cemetery and freak out at the gates. Because he was alive. Remus was alive
It’s day seventy nine and the world is on fire.
It’s day seventy nine and the world is burning just as harshly as it was on day one.
But he knows today is the day.
but as he strolled slowly through the isles towards his moon, he hopes he can do it this time.
Sirius lets out a guttural sound, one that he’s sure can be heard for isles away, a he falls to his knees harshly, hands threading through the blades of grass that lay before him
He barely has it in him to look towards the stone infront of him, but when he does? Something inside of him fractures.
The gravestone reads simply,
remus lupin
10.3.1996 - 9.8.2022
son, friend and beloved husband.
The grief overwhelms him in waves of pure anguish.
There’s a whole in Sirius’ heart and the world is burning all around him.
The flames are licking at his face and as he eyes the engravings, sirius wishes the fire would swallow him whole.
His husband is buried beneath him, yet Sirius can feel him in the heat of the blaze.
He thinks about how pathetic he must look. In days old clothes, a decaying bouquet in his hands as he pulls himself up to the gravestone, trembling fingers ghosting over the engraving.
He’s not sure how long it takes him to work up the courage to speak, but it’s long enough that the burning in his chest has fizzled out and all he can feel is its absence.
Sirius supposes it’s not the only absence that makes him feel as though there’s a hole in his chest.
“Remus-“
It’s the only word he can get out, and all sirius can think of is the way remus used to smile at him.
The fire roars.
Sirius isn’t sure how long he sits there and cries. He ain’t sure how long the grief takes to swallow him whole until he’s spit out onto the other side.
On the other side where an orange cat has found its was through the isles of grief.
It chokes Sirius for a moment, and the blaze threatens to take over.
His voice tries to fail him as the cat rubs its fur against him. All he can manage is a strangled whisper.
“Hi love”
The cat purrs and sirius smiles,
“Maybe I’m being crazy-“ he chokes out , petting the cats ears as it purrs even louder,
“But if I didn’t know better- I’d think you were still around”
Sirius doesn’t know where those words came from, but as they spill out, a million more come with them.
“And I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you yet- I just- I tried really hard I promise.” Sirius cards his fingers through the growing grass and finds himself imagining it’s his husbands hair as the cat sits and watches on curiously
“i just um- i’m not really doing too well i guess” he let out a wet laugh, “just miss you a lot is all”
sirius wonders what his fellow mourners are thinking right now, watching him collapsed against a gravestone, gripping a small bundle of flowers so tight his knuckles were white as a small cat watches on from the side.
Pushing himself away from the gravestone, he lays down onto the grass, and imagines himself getting one last hug from his moon.
“I brought you our wedding flowers” he speaks airily, flowers clutched between his fingers, “ thought you might want them?” Sirius knows it sounds silly, but everything in his brain is on fire so he’s aloud to sound a bit silly.
Their wedding night has replayed over the roar of the fire everyday since, and it never gets any easier to think about how the photos that were taken that day were some of the photos used at Remus’ funeral.
“prongs made me start therapy” he eventually murmurs half heartedly, chuckling sadly as he remembers the time remus had made him go just years earlier, after his panic attacks had gotten bad.
“s’ grief counseling though, spose that’s different”
james had made him start after mcgonnagal had called him to come pick sirius up from the school.
sirius had only wanted to visit to feel a little closer to remus again
Remus was alive there. Alive in the magic. Alive in sirius’ head.
and from the look on his old professors face, he could tell she knew exactly what he was looking for.
“Her names Cindy” he sighs, sirius knows it’s not particularly important, but he tells remus everything.
He told Remus everything.
And so he tells him her name.
“She kinda reminds me of poppy you know. Same soul- yeah?”
And Sirius feels the fire roar again as he thinks of the kind healer remus had loved so much.
The kind healer who turned a blind eye to sirius sneaking in overnight after fulls, the pair squished onto the small uncomfortable bed, safe in each others arms.
He wants to thank her for those extra moments he got to spend with his remus. Every minute had counted in the end.
“She gets it when I say you’re alive in my head.”
It’s a weird statement. But Cindy had understood.
In sirius’ head remus was just around the corner waiting for him. He was hiding under the blankets in their shared room. He was at home waiting for him.
“she asked me the other day what i missed most about you” sirius murmured, and the cat pawed at his leg, a reminder of where he was.
“and i froze” sirius whispered into the sky,
“hit me a lot harder than i thought the question would. i mean, she’s asked me harder things but i think it just… well i don’t know- but i, well i’m going to tell you what i said, i don’t know why, i think i just want you to know how much i miss you, cause i do.. i miss everything.”
“The little things are what get me the most i think.” Sirius hesitates,
“Not that I don’t miss the big things… it’s just, there are somethings I didn’t ever imagine would be this hard-“ he sniffs back a wave of tears as he goes on.
“Like- you’re a bloody bed hog you know? But I miss the way you’d reach over and grab my waist so I wouldn’t fall off” he lets out a wet chuckle before he stops quickly
was. he reminds himself. was a bed hog
The fire roars at the past tense.
“i don’t sleep in our bed anymore” sirius admits quietly, “don’t think i’ll ever be able too really- not that i’ve spent many nights at home lately, miss the sound of you tripping over things while you try to read and walk too much”
memories of the time remus had fallen down the stairs and sirius hadn’t stopped laughing for days (when the moment of horror of remus almost getting hurt was gone) made him smile sadly at his loves grave, using his pointer finger to trace the R for remus.
“i miss getting told off for leaving the lights on when i leave the room” he smiles wistfully as he speaks again, “i used to do it on purpose you know” sirius chuckles
“your little accent got stronger when you would scold me about it- i, i’m not sure why because it was only when you scolded me about the lights, but i’m sorry i never asked.”
another few tears fall and sirius feels himself tremble with the force of his grief.
“I wish I’d asked. I wish I’d asked a lot. Maybe even gotten you to write it down for me so I could never forget it.” Sirius feels like every part of him was on fire.
“Wish I’d written down everything you’d ever said to me, I just- I didn’t realise every scrap of you would be taken from me”
They say when the world ends there will be fire. Sirius understands more than anyone else.
“i miss your stupidly lovely freckles” sirius chokes out, and it’s more garbled than not but he hopes remus knows what he was trying to say
“and i hate how clean our bathroom mirror is. i never knew how you managed to get toothpaste absolutely everywhere, and it’s stupid but i miss it so much”
it takes sirius a long time to calm down after he admits that. and it’s strange, because why is he breaking down over toothpaste?
but it’s not really that is it? it’s the way remus would smile and roll his eyes as sirius would walk in on him cleaning the mirror guiltily. the way remus would wack him lightly on the shoulder when sirius laughed as he climbed into bed next to him, intertwining their legs as he would grumble about not knowing how it got everywhere.
And the sky was darkening, but the cat was still there.
“i miss feeling at home” he whispered eventually. Even when he stood in the earily quiet apartment, he found himself begging James to take him home.
How does one go home when they’re already in their own house?
then?
“i miss your hugs”
the way sirius spoke was so vulnerable, that it made himself flinch as his voice broke off
“i could really use a moony hug right now” he spoke, it came out as a loud sob, and he was so sure this fire was going to to take him out,
and maybe he would be okay with that.
he felt the firein his head, in his belly and down to his toes, the loss of his husband tearing through his body harsher than any torture he had ever endured. Harsher than any curse he’d ever been on the other end of.
moony hugs were special hugs, the kind where you so warm and loved, being squeezed as tight as you needed, a gentle hand to the back of your head and another wrapping round you.
it felt like moony hugs could fix anything,
but perhaps this was the one thing they couldn’t,
“i miss the way you always knew what was on my mind, the way your eyes widened as you talked about something you liked and- and i miss the way you read to me-
And i miss the face you would make when i told you i love you, and i miss the way you were always wearing odd socks”
sirius cried softly, pulling up the leg of his pants to peak at his own odd socks.
i’d didn’t feel right for them to match anymore.
“i miss accidentally drinking the wrong tea and drinking mouthfuls of pure sugar. i still don’t know how you liked that stuff by the way”
He’d drink a thousand cups of it for one more minute with him.
“i- i miss” he broke of into sobs, and he knew he couldn’t stay for much longer.
The fire was too much.
“i miss your sleepy voice and the way you protected your people with everything you had”
sirius was dizzy
“i’m selfish re you know,” he spoke eventually,
“i-i couldn’t bring myself to come until it was for my own gain but i just, i just miss you so much and i don’t know how to do this”
“your jumper doesn’t smell like you anymore.”
if remus was here he would laugh, sirius thought grimly.
“and-and you always used to tease me about making you wear them to smell like you again. but now you’re.. you’re-“ he scrubbed at his face harshly,
“you’re gone”
The fire is licking his heart and sirius presses a hand to his chest in agony.
“you’re- you’re gone and now it’s never going to smell like you again and i just want to feel close to you again” sirius hiccups as his body rattles for the sheer force of his grief.
“and- i, i promised james that i wouldn’t do anything stupid- i promised everyone but i, i don’t think i can do this anymore”
his admission spins round the cemetery, the wind carrying his sorrow like a wave of pure despair.
“i never imagined a world without you in it” it’s a quiet whisper.
sirius considers his next words for a moment
“but now you’re not here i- this world isn’t one i want to live in”
he knows he’s hyperventilating but to be honest, breathing is the last thing he wants to do right now.
the world spins as he forces himself to keep speaking,
“i miss you i miss your eyes and your smile and your ridiculously long limbs and your laugh-“ sirius thinks he might be screaming at this point.
the world feels less real than it ever has because remus was alive. REMUS WAS ALIVE IN HIS HEAD.
“miss your voice” he’s gasping for air but it’s not working.
the last thing sirius thinks before the fire takes over is;
i wonder if moony will be there to wake me up.
as he gains consciousness a day later- he’s in james’ bed
And the fire burns on.