Shared Scars

Thought you'd hate me, but instead you called
And said, "I miss you", I caught it

The school year progressed, and Regulus was slowly getting used to his new life at Hogwarts.

His favourite subjects were already established: astronomy and history of magic. He also liked flying, he already knew how to fly, he was quite good, and sometimes the classes were boring or repetitive, but knowing how to handle the broom better than the rest gave him some freedom.

About friends, he, Barty and Evan had become inseparable. Evan spent time with his sister and the Ravenclaws quite often and that made Barty and Regulus get to know each other even more. It is true that they were very opposite in many things, Barty was extroverted, charismatic, aggressive at times and very energetic (except to get out of bed), Regulus, on the contrary, was introverted, turned away from large groups, calmed, liked the silence and unfortunately for Barty he was an early riser, even so, all these differences were partly what made their friendship more complete.

Dorcas had integrated into the group quite well, her character fitting in very well with the three of them. Barty and she were very similar in terms of their sense of humor, Evan had Pandora as a common bond and therefore he spent a lot of time with Dorcas and Regulus had taken her as one more.

In general, his first year was going great, good grades, no detentions, friends, a reputation because of his last name, respect from the teachers… There was only one thing that kept Regulus from sleeping at night. Sirius.

Sirius and Regulus had not had a decent conversation since they had entered Hogwarts. Regulus repeated James's words in his head "he'll get over it" and waited and waited...nothing, Sirius hadn't been near his little brother since Slytherin house got in the way. They had exchanged quick greetings in the hallways, Regulus had smiled at Sirius, always without reply, only receiving sympathetic glances from Remus, James and Peter.

He missed talking to his older brother.

Wednesday, October 11, 1972

Regulus was sitting in the library, finishing an essay for herbology on the dangers of not keeping things orderly in a greenhouse. That day he was alone.

Regulus got tired of writing, his hand hurt when he wrote too fast and it reminded him of his mother's calligraphy lessons. He put the pen down on the table and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his eyes to rest his sight for a while.

He looked around. He didn't know many of the people who were there. He recognized Marlene McKinnon, a Gryffindor from Sirius' class, Dorcas' Potions partner. Marlene was in the corner laughing with another Gryffindor with dark skin and long brown hair.

Regulus remembered something Sirius had said in the summer, the Ms, a blonde and a brunette, who always went together and used to laugh around the corners. He wondered if they were the ones his brother was talking about. At another table, Dirk Cresswell, a Ravenclaw Evan had talked about once, Regulus didn't pay much attention to. Nearby, a huddle of third year Hufflepuffs, he didn't know any of them, so he ignored them too. There was only one person in the room who caught the Slytherin's eye: Remus Lupin. He was sitting in his usual place, doing what Regulus assumed would be passing notes. Remus looked up and his hazel eyes met Regulus's. Regulus wanted to look away, but Remus had already seen him, and it would have looked extremely bad. He considered for a moment if he should get up and try to start a conversation with him, he decided against it, then he thought that it could help him to find out something about Sirius, after all, Remus was his best friend.

Regulus packed up his things and moved to another table, standing right in front of Remus.

— Can I? — He asked timidly —

— Erm... y-yes, sure... —To Regulus' eye, Lupin was just as good at socializing as he was. —

— Passing clean notes? — Regulus looked at Remus' handwriting and tried not to laugh at his lousy calligraphy. —

— Charms homework, it's from…it's from Sirius, actually.

— Oh. — Regulus hadn't expected to hear his brother's name so quickly. — Do you do Sirius' homework?

— No! — Remus said, sounding indignant. — It's just…well, he's in detention because of me so I guess in this case, yes, I had to do it for him.

— What did you do?

— I dropped the book on his foot, and he screamed. — Regulus couldn't help but laugh and Remus smiled. — Always so dramatic.

There was silence for almost a full minute, both looking down, knowing exactly what to talk about, but not knowing how to talk about it.

— Potter said it would go away, — Regulus said without looking up.

Remus did, he raised his head to look directly at Regulus. Remus Lupin was not a person who found it easy to talk about feelings, much less brothers, he was an only child, he had spent his childhood in a children's home, but none of his companions had cared enough to consider them brothers, in fact, Remus had learned that it was best to avoid them as much as possible.

— He…well, you know how Sirius is…— Regulus didn't reply. That wasn’t enough for him. — Listen, why don't you talk to him?

— I have tried it. You've seen him! Whenever he sees me in the halls he runs away and thank the day he greets. — There was another silence, Remus didn't know what to say, James was much better at those things than him — does he hate me?
Remus was surprised to hear that. It hadn't occurred to him to think about that. Sirius didn't hate his brother…did he?

— What? No no! Sirius is your brother, Regulus, of course he doesn't hate you. He's just… he's just being a bit of a brat.

— Yeah. Well thank you Lupin. — Regulus looked up and saw the uncertainty in Remus's eyes. His own friend was considering the possibility that Sirius hated him. — I'd better go now. Um…. see you soon.

— Bye Reggie

Regulus paused for a second. Reggie. His brother called him that. Had Sirius talked about him recently?

Remus Lupin had a very strange feeling watching Regulus leave the library. He felt sorry for him. It was funny, Remus hated it when people felt sorry for him when they found out he was a werewolf. He hated the blue glow that came out of people's eyes and the curve in their mouths, and that horrible tone of voice that everyone used, like he was going to break at any moment. He hated it, and yet he had just done the same thing to his best friend's brother.

Perhaps it was precisely that empathy that gave him the courage to talk to Sirius to get him to do something.

Remus began packing up his things shortly after Regulus left. As he left, he cheerfully waved at Mary and Marlene who were sitting in the corner. He had recently discovered that the Ms were more likable than he and Sirius had estimated.
He quickened his pace to reach the Gryffindor common room and up to his room.

He was glad to find his three friends in it. James and Peter were reading a quidditch magazine on top of Pete's bed while Sirius listened to a vinyl on his turntable, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars, Remus adored David Bowie and was thankful that the record was finishing, that way he didn't have to interrupt it. He let Rock n' Roll Suicide play and before Sirius could turn the vinyl over to start again, he said it.

— I've been talking to your brother in the library, Sirius.

A silence filled the room and Remus wished he hadn't waited for the record to end so the music could make it loud again. James and Peter looked up at Remus. Peter just looked puzzled, but James directed a back off buddy, you're on time as Remus's blood froze. Sirius just stared at him, silent, his eyes darker than usual.

Remus swallowed, waiting for someone to say something. Nobody did.

— I think he was doing homework. — he tried again. —

— Regulus has always liked to read a lot. — Sirius's gaze was fixed on Remus's shoulder, not wanting to meet his eyes. He was not focusing the image, just answering without wanting to see what was happening around him —

— Uhm...yeah, it seems that way...I see him there a lot.

— Nice.— Sirius wasn't doing his part and Remus was starting to get annoyed. —

— We’ve talked about you. — Remus's tone became more serious, harsher, he was losing his patience. —

— Oh yeah? Sirius looked up and fixed his dark blue eyes on Remus's, still not focusing the image.

— Yeah.

Remus couldn't believe it. Sirius didn't even mean it, it was as if he had run out of words. James' eyes kept flickering from one to the other thinking about how to get Remus out of a family fight between Regulus and Sirius or Sirius out of a fight with Remus that could end just as badly. Sirius remained silent.

— Come on Sirius! — Remus snapped.

— What?! — His eyes finally focused on the image, seeing Remus frown. He moved away a little now aware of his friend's anger —

— Can you please put your family isolation aside for a moment!

— What the hell are you talking about Remus? — Sirius seemed angry now too. —

— You haven't spoken to him since the selection!

— Yeah, and what so? I haven't had time, okay? I've been busy…. Besides, he hasn't tried either.

— Sirius, haven't you talked to him since September? — James, who normally sided with Sirius, got up and sat across from him, next to Remus. —

— I... no... — James was Sirius's weak point and Remus took advantage of that moment to blurt out something he knew would make Sirius act if he said it at that precise moment. —

— He thinks you hate him.

They all looked at Remus, stunned. James pulled away from him a little and looked at him with bright eyes.

— Remus! — James scolded.

— What? James, stop protecting him! You know it's true! — James looked at Sirius without saying a word. —

— Wait, what? James? — Sirius looked around, his eyes had lightened a bit, but they were still dark. — Pete? — he tried without response —

— Listen, I'm sorry to have to break it to you like that Sirius but get your ass off and go talk to him! — James' presence had reassured Remus and he was doing his best not to lose his temper again —

Sirius looked at James. His eyes were wet and red, holding back tears.

— Remus is right... — James looked down, — you have to talk to him, Sirius.

— I…

Sirius got up and locked himself in the bathroom. Remus knew right away that he was crying, he could smell the salt from his tears through the door. A sting hit him in the stomach, he didn't want to make things more difficult for Sirius, he was his best friend.

James looked at Remus and put his hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly.

— Well done, Remus. Someone had to tell him. I'm sorry it wasn't me. — Remus looked at his friend in astonishment. He saw himself in the reflection of his glasses, now he wanted to cry, but the bathroom was busy, and he wasn't going to let them see him do it so he stopped himself. —

It's not your job either. — He said to James. —

(I miss you, I’m sorry – Gracie Abrams)