Broken
Regulus return to Hogwarts passed in a blur. He and Barty had not talked about what had happened though he could feel Bartys eyes linger on him.
Regulus could not focus well after what happened. Every time he closed his eyes everything came back to him, the pain, Sirius on the floor, the high bookshelves. He had slept poorly before everything, but after, it was dreadful. The previous night he had not slept at all and the night before he had only gotten about an hour’s sleep.
That time had been filled with nightmares; he had tied his t-shirt around his mouth in fear he would shout in his sleep. It had been a necessary precaution.
Though his eyelids felt heavy, sleep evaded him, maybe because of the dread he felt at the idea.
Food repulsed him more than ever. He had always had a problem with weird textures, but his stomach clenched at the idea of forcing down food.
What he did was to try not to blink, try to focus on nonsense as conversations or plans and try to lock the memory of that day in a box far back in his mind. It was hard to focus on anything really. He had moments of clarity, flashes of memory that made him jump suddenly. Every sound or touch made him flinch. Sometimes the memories played out even when his eyes were open, then he blinked as fast as he could, trying to shake them off.
Barty exited the compartment after a while. He often took a break to “blow of some steam”. A little while later he heard Lilys voice call out. “Oi” she called “If that’s you, Crouch, I’ll have your guts for garters…”.
Regulus exited. ““Barty, what are you--oh.” His gaze landed for a split second on Lupin. The scary boy who had once strangled him and pressed him into the wall, calling him a coward.
His mate being caught by Lily was an undesirable circumstance and he couldn’t help resenting Lily for it. “What do you want, Evans?” he asked cooly. She tutted but beseeched him questioningly. He answered her gaze with a blink, letting her know that it was an act for they could not exactly let Lupin know. She raised an eyebrow at Crouch and he felt his stomach twist.
“No need to be so rude” she continued. “Stay out of trouble, or I’ll be speaking with Slughorn. You’re on thin ice already and you know it. C’mon, Remus,” she glanced back at Lupin, who was still standing a little way back, hoping to avoid doing his prefectly duty, probably.
Regulus head snapped to Lupin, wishing desperately he would give him any news of his brother. “Lupin” he managed. He opened his mouth once or twice trying to form the words. Lupin nodded. Firstly, his jaw clenched and he looked like he would very much want to hit him. Then something changed, Lupin looking deep into his eyes. Lupin had those deep golden-brown eyes. his brow furrowed.
“He’s fine.” Lupin announced. Regulus blinked trying to take it in. He was fine. He nodded several times and then returned to his car.
He saw a flash of Sirius at dinner, then of James’s messy hair. Regulus did what he had to do to stay afloat, and he gratefully tried to sink into the numbness. Numbness with random terror was not the best-case scenario but it could be worse he thought.
He could be living in constant sorrow or rage or terror. The grief was there and the fury too, but the numbness blocked it out slightly. It felt as though he had permanently lost his brother. Sirius was gone, they never spoke at school and only rarely at home. Would he ever speak to his brother again?
He also felt hopeless, like everything was lost. Like a hand had dug a hole in his chest, leaving him empty. He was now stuck in that house forever, as a death eater. Stuck seeing his parents faces every day, seeing Bellatrix, Lucius all the people he wished to never see again.
Before he had always been silently appalled by everything there, no what his side was trying to achieve. Now he was supposed to join them, kill muggleborns, hate everyone different. It all repulsed him, and he knew he had no choice. If he killed himself, which seemed very inviting now, his parents would attempt to get Sirius back and then probably imperious him into taking the mark.
It all felt meaningless, everything, they would all still die fighting a useless war. The dark lord would succeed and all who opposed him would be brought down. Regulus would spend the rest of his numbered day as a pawn to his parents, the dark lord, everyone. Someone easy to control.
He felt burning rage too, somewhere deep within about the unfairness of everything. The crappy cards he was dealt. His brother gone, his parents fond of torture, a war, having to spend the rest of his days as a death eater, being unable to sleep, everything. But mostly he was furious with his parents for everything. He had always tried to convince himself that they did it for their own good, but the previous day changed things. They just wanted to use them. And having seen Sirius like that just made him certain that they gad no regards for them.
He slept that night. Poorly but he slept. He saw Sirius body on the floor, but the screaming stops and his body went limp, his eyes dulling, the fight leaving but the horror remaining. His limbs twitching slightly and a trickle of blood dripping down his chin.
“No!” Regulus shouted but no one hears him. His mother is smiling wickedly, and his fathers jaw is clenched as he looks disapprovingly down on his son on the ground. “Don’t!” Regulus shouts again but nothing seems to leave him or else they can simply not hear him. “All your fault I am gone” the corpse of his brother whisper.
He feels a scream leave his throat and he wakes up. The cold sweat is dripping down his forehead. He is shaking and gasping for air. Pressure is pushing down on his chest. He looked at his watch. 2 am, he sighs heavily, heaving himself up. Inhale, exhale he reminds himself.
He tried to read to no avail. Regulus ended up staring up at the canopy of his four-poster bed. He was grateful but not surprised that no one had woken up at his outburst. Barty had always been a heavy sleeper and Evan took sleeping meds he had stolen from the medical wing. Regulus was jealous of Evans easy dreamless sleep.
He skipped breakfast walking instead to were Panda most likely to be lurking. The wounds had become infected, and he winced on every step. It was time to shelve his pride. Panda was sitting curled up with another muggle art theory book, she had probably nicked it from a muggle library. Though the concept of nicking was slightly ruined since she returned them as soon as she got back.
“Panda?” he whispered, when close enough. His voice sounded hoarse and a little croaky. She looked up, her brow furrowed. It was clear she was biting the inside of her check, worried about him.
“Lucy? What is it?” she asked uncertainly, tugging a blond strand of hair behind her ear as she closed the book. He gulped, already uncomfortable. His eyes scanned the library, but they were completely alone. “Do you have any more bandages?” he asked, voice barely a whisper. Her eyes widened slightly but she nodded. “Let’s go to the studio” she commanded and grabbed his hand.
He didn’t have the energy to fight her. She walked slower than her usual dreamy brisk pace, but he still winced as he put weight on each leg. They entered their art studio, and the place made him release a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. His shoulders immediately slumped, and his head dropped. All his black posture that had been trained into him since he was two was gone. He didn’t have the strength for more.
Regulus sank to the floor. “Lucy?” Panda asked sounding concerned. “Are you okey?” she asked and then cursed herself under her breath. “Can I just get the bandages Panda?” he asked avoiding the question.
She ignored his as well and walked forward, face set. Panda dragged up his pant legs and he flinched. His bandages were old and leaked through with blood, both new and old. Panda didn’t speak, just gently unwrapped them. Another great thing about Panda was that she didn’t give untrue reassurance. She didn’t say “everything is going to be okay” she just let him be.
“Lacero?” she asked, her eyes not as wide as last time. He nodded weakly. 14 gashes on his calves, crossed over old ones. “This is infected” she observed. He nodded again. She gently begun rewrapping his legs in fresh bandages, but he still flinched.
“Did something happen Luc? Except for you know? She asked, meeting his gaze. Those grey eyes meeting his. He nodded looking down, unable to meet the grey stare. They weren’t the same, but he still thought of his mother’s eyes as she looked upon Sirius.
“What Lucy?” she asked gently, putting a hand to his cheek, he flinched involuntarily. He had never been much for physical touch but now he flinched at even the smallest contact. She put her hand down. “Sorry” he whispered, his voice shaking a little. “No worries, Lucy” she smiled sadly. A burning sensation in his eyes warned him that tears were coming. He repressed it.
“I can’t talk about it” he closed his eyes and then flinched, the memories returning. Sirius body on the floor, the pain, father’s words, mothers smile, Sirius screams, everything.
“Lucy you will feel better if you talk about it. I know its unpleasant, but it will help. It’s not healthy bottling it all up” she pressed. A bad thing about Panda, she always needed to help. He gulped. “I can’t, I can’t” he repeated, feeling like he was losing his mind. “Ok” Panda surrendered.
Later that day as he sat down for dinner a wave of nausea hit him. Everyone was talking and there was the slamming of cutlery everywhere. Clinking glasses and chewing mouths. People everywhere. He could hear his fathers voice, toasting the dark lord. He could see the gooey liver on his plate. Everything returning to him.
His heart begun beating fervently in his chest. Trying to fill the hole he could feel eating him from the inside and out. the trembling begun in his fingers but not even his mind strategies worked.
“Where are you going?” Evan asked. “Library” he lied and dashed off, trying to ignore the pain on his calves. He snuck into the nearest broom cupboard he could find and closed the door. It was relatively small but would probably fit another person.
He hadn’t allowed himself to break down since it happened. Now he just fell apart. His breath would not come, and his throat ached. It felt like a truck was running over his chest. The tears begun streaking down his cheeks and he felt shaky all over, his head thrumming. The dusty cupboard blurred in front of him, and everything felt tilted the wrong way.
Suddenly, the cupboard door opened, and he jumped in fright. Oh no he thought. If anyone found out everyone would now and then his parents would know and probably Crucio him again. Not kill him since they needed their pawn alive, he thought bitterly.
A mane of red hair entered the cupboard, closing it after. He was still shaking but his breathing was starting to even out. Lily dragged her red hair out of her emerald, green eyes, surveying him. He could see every freckle on her nose. She put a hand on his cheek, and he flinched but she, unlike Panda kept it there. He blinked repeatedly trying to get the images out of his head.
“Regulus” she whispered, stroking his cheek. It felt better now he had gotten used to it. There was no question in her voice, she already knew. “You know?” he asked. She nodded sadly. “How- how is he?” he asked tentatively. “A bit spooked I think but he seams fine” she offered a kind, sad smile.
“Did you see it?” she asked, a crease appearing in her forehead. The images appeared again, and he flinched again. He really tried not to, but it was instinct. “Yes” he whispered. Her gaze was more sympathetic than pitying. She held out her arms slightly and tilted her head slightly. Clearly asking, may I hug you? He nodded and hugged her. She was warm against his own cold body. he was always freezing, probably from exhaustion.
She pulled her head back and gave him a light kiss on the lips. Her kisses were always soft and light. The kisses they shared were very different from his kisses with James. James was passion and hunger whilst Lily was comfort. There was no heat between them really but there was still that comforting closeness.
They drew apart and Lily drew a strand of his hair from his eyes. “Do you feel better?” Lily asked peering at him. Once again, he nodded. “James said he wants to talk to you as soon as possible and I was to tell you if I saw you” she smiled apologetically.
He both wanted to and did not want to see James. “How did you find me?” Regulus asked suspiciously, his sense returning. Lily blushed scarlet as her hair. “Well, I heard you on my patrol” she let her ginger hair cover hair face, clearly embarrassed. Regulus groaned inwardly. “Where is Potter, then?” he asked. “James said he would be in that unused charms classroom” she answered.
His legs felt like they were made of led all the way to the classroom.
***
JAMES POV
James’s insides were twisted in anger. He rarely felt fury but now he did. If anyone could have stopped it, it would have been Regulus surely. Regulus could have put his foot down and none of it would have happened. Sirius acted as if though nothing had happened, but James knew he was traumatized. He should not have been tortured.
Regulus always followed the rules and was a good little boy so surely his parents would listen to him. James was relatively sure they would not hurt their obedient son. He had previously had theories about Regulus having been abused as Sirius, but he didn’t have any evidence and considering everything that had happened his theories vanished.
James paced back and forth in the dusty classroom. His rage was mostly to Sirius parents that had done it, but Regulus was a bystander doing nothing to help.
His fuming’s were cut short by the creaking of the door.
He was not sure what he had expected Regulus to look like. Probably his usual neat, organized self. Sometimes with the carefully neutral disdainful mask and others the softer boy he liked so. Neither was the current sight of Regulus Black.
Regulus hair was rumpled, and his robes disheveled. He had always been pale and had dark circles under his eyes, from sleep deprivation James had assumed. Now he was pale as a ghost and had a skeleton look going for him. his eyelids were drooping over his now dead looking eyes. They had lost all gleam, soul, and brightness. His cheeks were blotchy, and James wondered if he had been crying. His hands trembled and he shook slightly. He was limping but trying to hide it, James noticed.
Regulus looked a right mess. His face was no longer soft nor a mask, it was horror mixed with pain. As the door slammed shut behind him, he jumped, then winced as he landed. He quickly cast the Muffliato spell on the door.
“Hi” Regulus greeted, his voice shaky. James saw he had stopped blinking and wondered why. “Hey” he greeted cooly. No matter Regulus current state he couldn’t stop blaming him.
Regulus eyes skated across the room and over James anxiously. “You wanted to see me?” Regulus asked, anxiously. “Yes, I did” James replied cold as stone. Regulus eyes were wide as he finally made eye contact. He looked as though he would be ready to bolt at moment’s notice.
“How… how is he?” Regulus asked. An ember of hot anger shot through him. “No better thanks to your lot” he spat. Regulus flinched. “You think its my fault?” Regulus asked sounding distant and blinking fast. “You didn’t do anything!” James accused.
Regulus did not answer but simply stared at the floor, James took this to mean that he had indeed done nothing. “You should have stopped it” he continued. Regulus looked up sharply, some of the panic replaced with coldness.
“And what makes you think I could?” he asked coldly. “They would have listened to you! You should have at least tried” James argued, feeling his fists curl. “They don’t care what I think and why do you think I didn’t try?” Regulus retorted.
“It still happened if you had done something Sirius would have told us!” James argued. “You can’t hear what is going on under that spell. I did my best” Regulus hissed.
“If you had done something sooner it wouldn’t have happened! You bloody coward! How could you watch your fucking brother being tortured on the ground!?” James shouted, staring with hate down on Regulus. Something snapped in Regulus eyes, and he flinched.
Regulus jumpiness and twitchy behavior merely infuriated James further. He wasn’t the one who had been tortured.
“Don’t you dare call me a coward” Regulus growled ominously. “I have seen no evidence to the contrary” James spit back.
“What could I possibly have done. It was three people, fully armed and proven many times their fondness for torture against one disarmed minor unable to do any magic!” Regulus growled.
“You should have tried!” he yelled again.
“Well forgive me for not wanting to be put under that wretched bloody spell again!” Regulus shouted now. His face twisted in rage and anguish.
James’s heart sank. Again?! He thought. “I did it anyways of course. I tried to protect him. I did my fucking best, just like he did for me. It was pointless though, mother could continue right along whilst father dealt with me” his voice was bitter and dripping in cold fury. His voice broke on the last words, but his face was still screwed up in anger. He didn’t even seam to be thinking about James now or even realise what he had confessed to.
“What!” James shouted, his anger draining a cold understanding replacing it. Regulus flinched again seemingly returning to himself. “So don’t you dare call me a coward because you don’t know. You don’t know anything about my family” he spit out the last word.
“But what do you mean, again?!” James shouted, slightly hysterically. He wanted for Regulus to have helped but he had never wanted him to have been tortured. Regulus head shock. “Doesn’t even matter. It was a long time ago” his eyes darkened. A long time? James thought desperately. He was 14 now so how old had he been then?
“It matters!” James insisted. “How old were you?” Jams asked, searching his face. The dark bags under his eyes standing out against his pale skin. “Ten” Regulus replied looking away. Burning fury showed its ugly head again but this time not at Regulus. It was their evil cruel parents. “Why?” James asked again. Regulus laughed, but it wasn’t a real laugh, it was cold and bitter. “Being weak and soft of course” he answered bitterly. “What?” James asked, it was hard to imagine Regulus as weak. He shook his head and James accepted he wasn’t going to get anymore.