Agony
The fight with James left Regulus hot with anger and simultaneously exhausted. How could James accuse him of not trying to save Sirius?! He had a gash over his entire chest just from helping Sirius.
Regulus had been trying not to think about the approaching Christmas. There was only three days to go before they were heading home. Both he and Sirius were expected. The only comfort he found was in the knowledge that he was allowed to bring Barty.
Barty wanted to bring Evan along to, Regulus did too but Evan wasn’t allowed to stay full-time. None of them mentioned it but none of them was looking forward to seeing their families again.
Barty’s face had split in relief when he found out he didn’t have to spend christmas with his father. They all knew just how much Barty hated him. Regulus suspected Barty hated his father not because of any physical abuse but just how he made him feel.
Bartemius Crouch had never paid his son much attention and when he did pay him attention it was never affection. Then it was orders to keep up appearances.
Evans parents were strict, not as strict as Regulus parents but strict enough. Evan had always been softer and more diplomatic than most of their Slytherin peers. He had a quick and ready head, always ready for a reasonable argument. He was bad at reading emotions and could be blunt, but he always had that soft edge to him. Just like Regulus parents Evans parents did not appreciate a big heart.
Regulus had once on his way to board the Hogwarts express, spotted his mother slapping him in the face. Evan had appeared in the carriage with a bright red spot on his right cheek. He had gloomily stared out the window. Where Barty was quick to anger, Evan leaned more to gloom. They hadn’t spoken about it; it was an unspoken agreement to not comment on their parents.
He dreaded seeing his parents again. Every time he saw his mother’s face, he recalled everything. Just thinking about his mother made him see stuff in his head. The worst of course was once when he was ten.
Mother had caught him crying over a letter Sirius had sent, he had managed to grab it quickly from the owl. She had already punished him in her usual way for crying multiple times by then. Mother had grabbed the letter than thrown it away, disgusted. Sirius had written about his friends, Hogwarts and how much he missed him. Regulus had been drowning in his loneliness and he missed Sirius so much. She had begun yelling all sorts of horrible things. Regulus had tried his best not to cry but he had only cried more.
Mother had then said “the usual disciplining does not seem to work; I will simply have to try something new. This is for your own good, you can’t be crying like a sissy.” She had hissed. He had been trembling then with his own suppressed sobs. She had pointed her wand at him and said “crucio”. The pain had been like a wildfire burning him alive. He remembered seeing flashes of her face as he writhed on the floor. She had never used it again.
Regulus still sometimes saw it when he closed his eyes. He could remember the pain filling him up, he remembers wishing to die. Every time he saw his mother the images, he tried to shove down reappeared.
He had never told anyone about it, not Sirius, Barty, Evan or even Pandora. Regulus could feel emotion stinging his eyes and he pushed it down. He always pushed it away, imagining closing a lid, throwing away the key and sinking it to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Toujours pure he thought to himself. Remain poised and calm he thought.
He felt furious with James. James had made it seem like he had just left Sirius to his fate. Regulus knew that his parents were not good people exactly, but he still believed that in their heads they did what they thought was for the best. He had a easier time disliking his mother then his father.
Father was the one who taught him chess. Yes, father was manipulating and cold and distant. Mother was an open flame, wild and unforgiving. She didn’t manipulate she went straight to punishments and yelling.
Regulus legs carried him to the Slytherin common room. The usual crew was sitting on the leather couch with their armchair reserved for Regulus. Barty, Evan, and Pandora were chatting. Barty was chatting excitedly about the weird sister’s new song. Pandora was listening and asking follow up questions. Evan was doing his homework.
Regulus walked over to his armchair, the other pupils parting to make way for him. “Hi Lucy” Pandora smiled, looking up from the jacket she was sewing applications too. She had a spot of blue paint on her left cheek. “Panda” he nodded his head in her direction.
“Reg, have you heard Bartys latest joke?” Evan asked. “No but do lets hear” Regulus grinned.
“What do you call a Hufflepuff with two braincells?” Barty asked, grinning. Panda shot him a reproachful glare even as a smile begun tugging the corners of her lips. “I don’t know” Regulus answered but he assumed it was on the Hufflepuffs expense. “Pregnant” Barty laughed.
Barty’s laugh was more of a cackle, but in a cute way. Regulus chuckled. Hanging out with his friends often put him in a better mood.
***
Three days later and they were boarding the Hogwarts express. Regulus was dreading the meetings he was sure to attend. In the meetings they discussed plans revolving “the dark lord”. He did like knowing what was going on but at the same time he felt horribly insignificant, helpless.
It was dreadful knowing how truly deep in his family and his friend’s families were in dark business. They had often discussed assassinations on “blood traitors” and “Dumbledore puppets” as they called them.
They often spoke in code for things and the terms concerning “the other side” was particularly nasty. He repressed a shudder thinking about it.
Barty and Evan talked a bit more subdued than usual, and Panda stared out the window. The rides back home were a lot gloomier than the one to school. On the train rides to school, they were all positively gleeful to leave their families behind.
Evans clever comebacks were gone. Pandoras laughter and kind eyes had dulled to insignificance. None of them even pretended to be fine, nor did they ask. They all knew the answer, no.
Pandora was perhaps the most horrendous to look at. She was not as energetic as Barty but she had a certain spring to her step, gleam in her eye that flashing warm smile. Panda always radiated calm and happiness. Now her fingers tapped anxiously on her bouncing leg. The other hand twirled a strand of hair repeatedly. She gnawed on her bottom lip and stared into space, her eyes following the surroundings without looking like she saw it at all.
Barty was happier than he usually was on the train home, but he was still gloomy. He never liked leaving Evan, especially not with his family. Barty had become even more protective after the latest black eye he had sported. Even more than how he reacted to the red mark after a slap from his mother. He didn’t whistle or chat excitedly, he tried to cheer Evan up a bit, for once cottoning on to the bad mood. Barty could pick up on emotions sometimes and train rides home were always a sore spot with all of them.
Evan however only responded in short, worded answers and shrugs. He was chewing on his fingernails, a nervous habit. Evan seamed more at ease then Panda but that was not saying much.
Regulus did not allow himself to fall apart. He did not chat, nor did he smile but he rarely did anyway. Regulus could not bring himself to laugh at Bartys meager attempts to joke.
***
Panda gave Regulus a warm hug. It was quite nice. “Be safe. I will see you in just a few weeks.” She whispered in his ear as she hugged him. “You too. I will miss you, but I will see you soon. Take care” Regulus whispered back. She squeezed him tightly before letting go and walking, head bowed and without any of her usual bounce. She left their compartment and Evan, Barty and Regulus left together.
Panda could not leave with them because of course, their parents should not know about their continued friendship, or all their necks would be on the line.
Barty grabbed Evans shoulders and looked into his eyes. “It is just two weeks” Barty reassured, and Evan nodded meeting Bartys intense gaze. Regulus half thought they were going to kiss right there and felt like he was invading an intimate moment. Then they stepped apart.
When they stepped out Kreacher was waiting and Regulus felt pleased to see him.
Sirius was saying goodbye to his friends, and he saw Lupin blush. He was not aware embarrassment was a feeling Lupin possessed but it wasn’t what bothered him. They had not spoken in so long and Regulus stomach twisted when he saw him. Sirius clothes were rumpled and his hair an organized mess. He had a slightly sullen resentful expression. His mouth twisted down as always when he didn’t smile. James stood with him gazing with frowned eyebrows at Sirius. Regulus did not want to speak with James, even if he could. He still felt angry over what he had said, and it fumed in the pit of his stomach when he looked at him.
Sirius spotted him and walked toward him. They didn’t greet each other but walked in stiff silence toward Kreacher.
Regulus stomach tightened further as they reached Grimmuauld place.
The house was empty, an ominous sign. Though he were sort of pleased not to have to see his parents, their absence could hardly be a good sign. After gently asking Kreacher they found out they were out in meetings. Regulus knew what those meetings were about. Dinner was awkward and he found himself wishing Sirius would just say something. Barty was unpacking in his room, choosing to skip having eaten enough at the train.
The next few days were rough. He walked straight backed and kept reminding himself to breath. Inhale, exhale. The portraits eyes burned into him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like the walls were pressing in on him, sucking the air out of him. All reassuring memories of James and Lily were shoved down in fear of his mother deciding to make a sudden entrance in his head.
At least he had Barty. A true light in the dark. Barty was if truth be told, gloomy. He smiled and joked but Regulus noticed how his smile faded when he thought Regulus wasn’t watching. His company was reassuring though. Regulus could tell he missed Evan. They never did well apart.
Barty had visited before of course, but he became a bit spooked by his parents every time. Regulus couldn’t blame him though it made him embarrassed and slightly guilty. Barty was always so fearless, reckless even. Barty didn’t exactly show it, he was perfectly polite, but he became fidgety, and Regulus saw him repress to flinch when Walburga stared at him for too long.
His mother could not be described as warm or kind, but she had not outright hurt him. Though she gave him her particularly scary, piercing stare once or twice. Every time he pulled a joke or laughed or chatted merrily with Regulus, she glared nails at him.
She had a strong dislike for goofiness. Regulus had once laughed out load at a joke Barty had pulled and she had pounced as soon as Barty was gone. “You shall always show decorum. Toujours pur Regulus” she had hissed. He had been 12 then and walking onto the Hogwarts train the next day had not been a fun affair.
Barty had this time luckily seamed to have caught on and to Regulus amazement, managed to keep relatively quiet. To say he was astounded was an understatement. He was not aware Barty could shut up.
One dinner he saw his fathers gaze turn to Sirius. “Sirius, your mother and I have been informed that you are at the top of your class” Orion appraised. Sirius was gaping slightly looking very shocked and confused. Regulus himself wondered if he had missed something or misheard but no, their father was praising Sirius. Regulus could never remember receiving a compliment and was relatively sure Sirius couldn’t either. They did act differently towards Sirius, not kind but not as hostile.
To soon, in Regulus opinion anyway, came christmas eve. He had a great sense of foreboding. Their parents sudden change in attitude could not be a good sign, Regulus was sure. Dinner passed by slowly.
Regulus head spun watching all people around him. He wished nothing more than to go to sleep in his room. The sound reverberated in his ears.
“Yes, the Pettigrew girl run off- “. “A majority of mudbloods entered Hufflepuff this year, outrageous- “.
The chatter went on around him. They talked about nonsense gossip and not so nonsense political debates. It was not detailed strategies, but he still got the gist. Different words and sentences flooded his brain, making him unable to single in on one conversation.
They ate five meals and did ballroom dancing. The food had as always weird textures. Slimy snails and gooey liver. Narcissa laughed with Lucius. She was the only relative he was pleased to find there, except for Barty of course. Cissa had always been nice to him, she was just surviving like him. He could relate to Narcissa in may ways. Regulus was too the youngest sibling, the spare should one egg rot. Always obedient, maybe not agreeing with everything but doing it anyway to stay afloat. She like Regulus seemed to love and despise their family in a way Regulus could relate too.
Her sister Andromeda was more like Sirius. She had not rebelled openly at first, but she took the first chance she got and fled. Andromeda married a muggleborn causing outrage in their family. She had always been softer than the rest of them Regulus remember. And not just in appearance. She did have the black family bone structure, but it fitted her differently and her hair was a softer shade of brown. He knew Sirius still had contact with her, but Andromeda had not bothered reaching out to him. Regulus tried to not let it sting but Sirius was always her favorite after all.
Bellatrix was an entirely different story. She believed all their family’s beliefs. A lot of their family members were cruel and a lot slightly mad if not very. Regulus had a theory about that. He thought that the madness and cruelty came from the inbreeding and stress of growing up in their family.
Some just snap he thinks gloomily watching Narcissa’s face light up, a smile breaking out at something Lucius said. Some are strong enough to bear it, to not let it destroy them whilst other crack breaking apart into a terrible mess. He glances at Bella grinning madly, deep in conversation with a relative Regulus can’t place a name on.
“Toast the dark lord” Orion’s voice booms out. he looks slightly tipsy. Regulus stomach clenches, twisting in a terrible knot. He looks down at his barely sipped wine and eaten desert. All around him people are raising their glasses. He hears the clang of glasses and panic grips him. You must do it he thinks and unwillingly raises his glass and gaze with it.
Everyone is smiling merrily, except for Bella and his brother. Sirius brow is furrowed over his dark blue eyes. He isn’t smiling but instead the corners of his mouth is turned down into the pouty face that comes whenever he isn’t smiling. Bella’s eyes narrow at him. Panic grips Regulus chest. Bella has always been a tattletale and was sure to rat Sirius out to their mother.
A few minutes later Sirius quietly snuck away, probably thinking no one noticed. Regulus turns his attention to Barty who was up in an eager conversation with Evan whom he was pleased to chat with.
Barty senses it and raises an eyebrow at him. He can’t really do it and the other eyebrow tags along slightly, ruining the effect. Regulus looks towards the exit were both Bella and Sirius have now disappeared and tilts his head in that direction. Barty, displaying an uncanny understanding of social cues, nods. “Wait here” he hears Barty mumble softly in Evans ear. Evan looking slightly dazed, nods.
Regulus legs feel heavy and shaky as they sneak out. he focuses on the floor beneath his feet. Barty doesn’t prod but follow along. “Aunt Walburga!” Bella’s voice calls out. His parents stride out of the room and Icey fear grips his heart the moment he sees her again. Cold fills him every time he sees her, remembering. Barty and Regulus follow behind them into the library.
Sirius face is red and his jaw clenched staring at Bellatrix who looks equally angry. “Bellatrix?” their mother asks sharply. “What is the meaning of this?”. Regulus thinks he knows though, and he feels his heart drop to somewhere around his feet.
Bella looks at Sirius, a mad fire in her eyes. “He disrespected the Dark Lord, I saw him- “she spits.
Sirius rolls his eyes. “That isn’t what- “Sirius begins, interrupting Bella.
“Sirius!” their mother said, sharply, “Do not interrupt your cousin!”
Sirius frowned looking taken aback.
“You should’ve heard the things he was saying,” Bellatrix hissed, venomous, “Those blood traitors have indoctrinated him; he spits on everything we’re working towards. On the Dark Lord’s name.”
“Sirius,” their mother said, turning to him, “Is that true?”
“I—I don’t—”
their father scoffed, moving to stand beside his mother.
“Well? Go on, boy—are you loyal to the cause, to your family, or not?”
Regulus felt his pulse spike, his heart beating in his throat. He could feel the blood drain from his face, in trepidation of whatever horror would come.
“What cause?” Sirius asked, laughing nervously.
Walpurga threw her hands up. “I told you, Orion—” she said, turning to his father, “I told you we shouldn’t delay, that it would be too late—”
Orion held up a hand, cutting her off. To Sirius, he said sternly,
“Don’t play stupid, boy. You know what this is about. Mudbloods are infiltrating our way of life, stealing the secrets of our magic, polluting our government and our schools. This is war, and only Lord Voldemort is brave enough to stand up and actually do something to protect real wizards.” Next to him, Bellatrix was nodding sycophantically, an almost rapturous expression on her face.
“The choice you have to make,” their father continued, “Is whether you want to protect your family, to fight for our way of life, or whether you want to bury your head in the sand and allow filthy blood traitors like the Potters to tear it to pieces.”
Hearing Potters name made him feel even more sick. This is it he thought and tried not to tremble.
Sirius visibly sucked in a breath. “It’s not—like that. The Potters aren’t—”
“Merlin’s sake, boy!” His father barked, “Just once in your life, can’t you make me proud?!”
“I—I’m sorry, I’m trying, I—”
Regulus could swear Sirius eyes were getting glassy.
“Swear allegiance,” Bellatrix crowded towards him, ripping back her sleeves and brandishing her forearm like a weapon, “You see this? I’ve chosen my side. You’re old enough, Sirius—it’s time to choose yours.”
Sirius stared. Tattooed on his cousin’s arm was a familiar black skull, with a snake twisting out of its mouth. The Dark Mark. Regulus could not see it but he knew it well enough, having seen it plenty of times before.
“No!” He yelped, backing away, “I’m not swearing anything to that—that murderer!”
“Then you’re a traitor!” His cousin shrieked, wildly, “Blood traitor!”
“If you care about this family, son, you’ll stand with us.” His father said coldly, a look of open disgust on his face.
“Swear it, Sirius,” now their mother was rushing forward, “You can be forgiven. We all stray, at times. Swear your allegiance, and the Dark Lord will be merciful.”
“No! Let me go!” He ripped his arm from their mother’s clawing hands, backing further into the bookshelves.
“It’s time to choose a side, son.”
“I said no!”
“Grow up, Sirius!”
“Stop—just leave me alone!”
“Your blood is still pure—there’s still time to prove your loyalty—”
“No!”
“THIS ISN’T A GAME, BOY!” His father thundered, but it was his mother who first raised her wand.
“You’ll understand,” she said, feverishly, “There’s only one thing awaiting those who defy the Dark Lord.”
Regulus stood so he could see part of their faces and he saw the look of feverish purpose on his mother’s face. It made him sick. He had seen it so many times before and he dreaded what was to come.
“Crucio” she whispered. An agonized scream tore from Sirius throat. Regulus knew the pain.
The fire leaping through your blood, the coldness freezing your bones to ice. He knew the searing pain tearing you apart from the inside out. He knew the thumping in your ears as all you hear is your own screams and the beating of your heart. He knew how the world goes black as all you feel is the pain burning you alive, breaking you. He knew the distant pain of falling and thrashing. He knew it all and wished he didn’t for it made everything so much worse.
Regulus wanted to do something, to help. Anything for Sirius to stop looking like that. Screams tearing from his throat. Arms thrashing and his face screwed up in pain. He was shaking.
Regulus wanted to run forward and hold Sirius whilst hexing his parents. He wanted to scream and rip the wands in their hands. But he couldn’t. His own wand was in his room. If he stepped forth there would just be another Black screaming on the floor. It would not help Sirius in the slightest. It was good his parents weren’t paying him any attention for he could no longer control his expression. He felt Barty recoil, but he could not care any less.
Regulus was shaking. Fucking kill them. Evil. Die. Burn in hell. He thought wishing his mother would hear. Regulus wished his mother would turn and see him and refocus her anger.
“Swear it” she ordered stopping the curse, leaving Sirius panting for air. “No” he breathed and this time their father pointed his wand. “Crucio” he swished his wand and Sirius begun screaming again.
“Swear it!”
“No”
“Swear it”
“No”
The cycle repeated itself. Sirius became unable to answer and coughed blood as soon as the torture seized. Regulus felt himself vibrate with rage and horror.
Sirius thrashed on the floor, Blood pooling from the places he hit the floor and up as he screamed.
“No, stop!” Regulus screamed. He had not decided to do it, but he couldn’t stand it.
Their mother was cursing Sirius, her lip curled in distaste for the boy she so reluctantly called her son.
“What did you say boy!” his father snarled looking at him for the first time.
“Stop. It” he growled through gritted teeth.
His father looked shocked and outraged. Never had he expected Regulus, the dutiful son, the boy he taught to play chess would turn against him. But he did and he wanted to punch his father right in the guts. He wanted his mother and father to feel what Sirius feels, what he felt.
Then there was pain. Different from the one he remembered when he was 10. This one was Icey. Cold storms spreading through him. His blood freezing and stopping in his veins. The cold tearing him down, breaking his vison. He could only see the high bookshelves and a flash of white as he fell. His head hit something hard, but he could barely feel it.
The cold breaking him down, making his chest feel like a shattering stone. Shards crashing in him. He could feel his veins popping from cold and new blood spread through him. but this to was cold and it was more like feeling snowstorms hurl through you. The cold tear through his throat.
Then it stopped and he was on the ground. “Now be quiet boy! We will deal with you later” his father hissed.
He couldn’t object, he was shaking, and his vision was blurry. His brain would not function, and everything was pain. His legs ached, his arms were numb, and he could feel blood draining from them. It felt like there was a metal contraption around his head, squeezing. His chest felt tight, and breath didn’t want to go down to his lungs.
A hand touched his shoulder and he immediately flinched but then gasped, the pain refilling him as he moved. The hand was soft, gentle. Only then did he remember Barty still being there. But it still couldn’t truly reach him, in his addled state.
“Reg?” he sounded truly worried, his voice lacking all glee it usually carried. He squinted, trying to see the person in front of him but to no avail. “Barty” he croaked trying very hard to formulate the words necessary. “Need, up” he croaked and Barty seamed to understand. He pulled Regulus up and he winced. Barty slowly begun to come into focus. Bartys brown eyes stared worriedly at him.
This went one with them standing there as Sirius wretched.
***
A few minutes later his parents gave up. They sighed frustratedly and turned tails. They all left, Regulus legs feeling stiff and shaky. The pains of the torture still echoing through him.
Barty walked beside him, supporting him. “Regulus, to your father’s office. Now!” his mother shouted. Regulus gulped and turned to look at Barty. His eyes were wide with horror and his hair tousled, as though he had run his hands through it many times. Barty’s lip looked almost destroyed from all the gnawing on it.
“Go to your room Barty” Regulus urged, sounding exhausted and drained. A hitch to his voice, even he could hear the catch. “I am not leaving you, Reg-“he begun but Regulus interrupted him. “You do not want to see this, try to sleep and I will… eh… see you… tomorrow” he urged, his voice shaking slightly even as he fought it. Dawning realization spread on Barty’s face, widening his eyes even further. “But Reg” Barty argued. “Please, I will be okey” he lied. “Regulus- “Barty tried again. “Please” Regulus begged, trying not to cry. Barty swallowed. “I can’t leave you with them” Barty gazed into his eyes. “I will survive” he reassured, hoping it wasn’t a lie. “But they might- “he cut himself off. “I know” Regulus forced his calm mask on, finding it almost soothing, faking a calm he did not feel. “don’t go” Barty basically begged. “I don’t really have a choice” Regulus snapped, sighing. “Ok” Barty gulped.
“Regulus, come here now!” his mother shrieked. He walked, every step hurting.
The office door closed behind him. Both his mother and father were glaring daggers at him.
Oddly enough Regulus found himself unable to care. “Never cross us again!” Orion roared. “Don’t you dare to stand up for that filthy blood traitor ever again!” his mother hissed venomously.
“lacero” she cried and the pain slashed his calves. He didn’t bother trying not to scream, simply didn’t care anymore. She sliced him 14 times, for every failure of a year he had lived she said. Tears were sliding down his checks. She silently handed him a bandage roll before leaving the door with his father.
After he dragged himself, leaning against the wall towards his room. The pain beating in his calves. He gasped at every step. He opened the door and limped towards his bed, feeing the sticky blood against his legs. He crashed down, sighing heavily.
His hand holding the bandages shook. He dragged up his trousers revealing his bloody, sliced calves. The room was dimly lit, and he could see the 14 cruel slices covering a patchwork of old scars.
“Reg- buggering Merlin what the fuck!” Bartys voice scream whispered, making him jump. No, he thought. He really didn’t want Barty seeing his scars. He tried to drag down the fabric to cover it again, but his hands shook too badly. “I am fine” Regulus muttered, bandaging his left leg with shaky hands. “Don’t lie” Barty demanded. “And hey give me that” Barty ordered, grabbing the bandage roll before Regulus could react. He flinched but was too exhausted to object. “I told you to sleep Barty” Regulus mumbled, brain going groggy. “Couldn’t do it” Barty replied simply. “Never listens” Regulus mutters. “Reg…are you… okay?” Barty whisper anxiously. “Stupid question” Barty grumbles. “Yeah I am fine, truly” Regulus lies and Barty frowns. “Too bloody proud” he mumbles. “Can we talk tomorrow? I got a roaring headache and really need some sleep. Thank you Barty for everything. Get some sleep. I will be alright” Regulus reassured, already half asleep.
The next morning he snuck into the library to find Sirius gone. He cried and whooped inside. All at the same time. He was alone but Sirius was safe.