Back at hogwarts
1 september
Regulus was worried like really worried as he stared at Sirius. His mother was fussing over him but there was only so little he could do. Sirius sulked behind them, a petulant expression on his face. Regulus couldn’t even believe he could stand after the previous night. His own chest felt very tight, the wound had become infected but he tried not to think about that. Sirius was obviously in a lot of pain and was trying to hide it, probably not wanting their parents to feel the satisfaction of knowing he was in pain. His jaw was clenched, and his arms crossed over his chest as though to hold himself together. He winced ever so slightly on every step he took.
Regulus stomach felt tight with concern watching him, though he kept his face carefully neutral. He felt stiff and on edge as his mother straightened his shirt and tugged on a lock of his hair. He stood straight backed even though it made his wound stretch and ache. He held his chin up and tried to remain calm. He hated her presence. His heart was beating faster and the adrenaline in his veins urged him to run. She gripped his shoulder tightly and stared him in the eyes. Her eyes were a cold dark blue with icey silver flecks. He felt his stomach churn every time he saw them. Those cruel eyes were as much her eyes as his and Sirius. He knew well enough by now that she did what she thought was best and he loved her in a way but he was still scared of her. Her nails dug into his shoulder and it was partly on his wound and he struggled not to cry out in pain. “You behave now. Send me an owl if your brother forgets to show proper decorum” she hissed in her menacing voice. Regulus felt every single hair on his arms stand up. “Yes mother” he replied, much stronger than he felt and kept his head held high. He shivered all over now but was determined not to show it. “Good, now go” she hissed and let go of his now throbbing shoulder.
He had to speak with Sirius, Sirius was sure to be too bloody proud to get help, but Regulus had to make him see sense. He knew from experience that Madam Pomfrey did not ask many questions and never blabbed. Sirius was beginning to walk toward his usual compartment on the train, but Regulus stopped him.
He grabbed his brother by the arm and began dragging him carefully toward an empty compartment. He dragged him cautiously not wanting to cause his brother unnecessary pain. Sirius yanked his arm free and snarled “bloody hell, what the fuck Reg?!”. He was trying to hide his pain, the slight hitch in his breath, with rage Regulus was sure. “I need to talk to you” he admitted in a low voice letting his carefully neutral mask slip a bit to show that he was earnest. Sirius rolled his eyes and gave an impatient sigh, seemed to want to pretend that nothing happened. Regulus could not play along with his façade. “Well? Go on then. I haven’t got all day” Sirius drawled.
Regulus felt hurt remembering the time when talking to his brother was easy,the only person in the world, he truly trusted but he kept his composure. He was in two minds of what needed to be said. On the one hand he was worried for Sirius safety. Last night had been a close call. If he hadn’t come, he was almost certain she would have gone on until he bled to death, as it was even with his intervention Sirius had nearly bled to death. When Regulus arrived, his brother was a mess on the floor and there was a huge puddle of blood beneath him soaking through the dozens of slashes in his trousers. The memory was terrible, and Regulus was certain his brother would probably die if there was a next time. He partly wanted his brother out of there, for him to be safe. Sirius had already proven that he could not behave sensibly to please their parents, not even to save his own neck.
On the other hand, Regulus did not want Sirius to leave him, again. He did not want to be heir; he did not want his parents in Azkaban because no matter of how he feared them he would also always care for them in his own way. He decided it was better to hear what Sirius thought of the matter before making up his mind. Sirius could be very determined and though Regulus was headstrong enough to compete with his pig-headed brother he wanted to avoid a fight if possible. Regulus felt much to exhausted to fight.
“What are you going to tell Pomfrey?” he asked before he lost his nerve completely. His brother blinked and seamed almost confused. “What?” he asked still seemingly confused. Regulus could not bring himself to say the blatantly obvious words so instead he just gave Sirius legs a quick glance hoping Sirius would take the jest. He did. “Did mom put you up to this?” Sirius asked, his jaw clenched. Is that how little Sirius thought of him? Was the idea that he cared for his safety so unbelievable? Regulus felt he had to make Sirius understand that he did care. “What? No, I’m just-“Sirius cut him off looking evidently annoyed. “Because you can tell her that I am not going to see Madam Pomfrey. Wouldn’t want to sully the prestigious Black family reputation, would I?” he spat. Regulus felt a twinge of anger, but his concern outweighed it. Sirius however radiated fury. Regulus became more determined yet to convince him to go to Madam Pomfrey.
“But your legs, Sirius” he said voice low and he was disgusted by how it wobbled slightly on the last word. “Just piss off, Reg, all right? No need to worry about me- you run along and tell mummy that everything’s perfectly fine” he spat.
Regulus was beginning to feel properly angry now. Couldn’t Sirius just let him finish?! He was doing this because he cared despite everything. “Merlin, would you let me finish?! Mom didn’t put me up to this!” he snapped.
“Then what is it to you who I tell?!” Sirius exclaimed almost shaking with fury. Regulus was about to lose it and he knew it. He couldn’t lose his brother. Every option was terrible, if Sirius stayed he was unsafe but if he left Regulus would be alone and heir. An heir and a spare he reminded himself. “Because!” he burst out his voice high pitched as he fought the lump in his throat. His eyes were burning but he was determined not to cry. “I don’t have any- “he broke off realizing midway through how childish it would sound. I don’t have any other brother. He felt foolish to admit it even to himself, but he missed his brother.
“What, you don’t have any what?” Sirius demanded crossing his arms and giving him a half questioning, half murderous look. It was not exactly inviting for confidences. “Forget it, Sirius” he said turning around, not wanting to fight anymore. Sirius was quite impossible and he could fix it himself. He did not want to hurt their already tangled relationship further than necessary. “Just forget I said anything” he continued and started walking out of the compartment. He could feel Sirius eyes burning into his neck but he could not bring up the energy to care that he had acted weird. He felt drained and longed for his comfortable four poster bed in the Slytherin dorms. He pushed a small second year out of his way as he approached the carriage he knew his friends to be sitting in. Barty, Evan and Pandora were laughing in the compartment and they looked up, grinning as he entered. “Hi Lucy!” Pandora called and patted the seat next to her to indicate that he should sit beside her. Regulus quickly pulled himself together walking with a straight back and chin up as he had been drilled since the age of 2. “Panda” he nodded and she smiled softly at the nickname. Barty grinned wickedly and shared a glance with Evan before speaking. “Hi Reg, guess who managed to sneak in a shrunken head” he smirked. Regulus smiled appreciatively and gave an approving nod. “impressive” he said with a small laugh. “Show us” Evan urged looking eager. His blue eyes looked eagerly at Bartys bag. Barty chuckled and pulled out a shrunken head. Evan looked very Impressed. “When did you acquire it?” Pandora asked, as always eager to learn. She looked quite curious and pushed a curtain of long blond hair behind her ear to observe it better. “Dad left me in diagon alley to shop for my school supplies, he had to leave to do important ministry matters” Barty shrugged and made quotation marks on the last two words. He rolled his eyes before continuing. “It was not hard to sneak off to” he made quotation marks again. “Borrow, a few things from an old hag drinking in the pub”. Barty chuckled and the rest of them joined in. “How was your summer, Evan?” Barty asked still a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Quite boring as usual” he drawled looking out the window. “Panda?” Regulus asked, understanding Evan was not in the mood to talk about it. Knowing Barty he would not be tactful enough to understand that. “Oh you know the usual, but Rodolphus keeps insisting on bringing Bellatrix to dinner” she sighed heavily. “No offense Luc” she continued hurridly as though she had offended him. “Not at all” Regulus drawled. “Bella is quite insane, everyone knows that” he agreed lightly. Everyone laughed at that including Evan who had been staring sulkily out the window, he was like Barty, not very good at hiding his emotions.
Conversation went on after that but Regulus zoned out for a bit considering the Sirius situation as he called it. It was best to approach it with a level head he decided. And how was the best way to keep a level head? Well that was to be close to other people Regulus decided. That forced him to remain composed because he would never ever lose it, especially not in front of his friends. Regulus had decided this a long time ago. It was not that he didn’t like his friends, he simply just wanted them to respect him and did not think that having a breakdown was the best way to achieve that.
He looked at the facts with a determined cool head.
• His brother was not safe if he stayed.
• Sirius was not going to tell Pomfrey.
• If Sirius was getting out of there, he Regulus would have to do it himself.
• If Sirius left he would be heir and have no way out.
Regulus decided that the only person in any position to help him was probably Dumbledore. As little as he wanted to lose his brother he knew he owed him this much. Sirius had stuck up for him during their childhood, protecting him though Sirius got hurt in the process. Feelings was for morons and fools. He knew this of course, how could he not when he remembered his mothers’ punishments. He knew he had to learn to shut those idiotic pointless feelings off, but it was hard. Cool head Regulus reminded himself.
After a few hours of pleasant small talk Barty drifted off to sleep. Pandora then picked up a book on muggle art Regulus noticed. Regulus knew he should not be intrigued by muggles and merely see them as conquests, objects. But he secretly found them quite interesting. He would of course rather die than admit to anyone that he did not actually think that the blood in your veins mattered all that much. Regulus thought he was the best at the same time as he loathed himself. He was crap but everyone else was crappier. He knew for instance his brothers half-blood friend Remus Lupin or loony Lupin as the Slytherins called him had a very strong right hook. And his other friend, pureblood Peter Pettigrew seamed sweet and quiet but quite bad at magic.
But in the end, it did not much matter he told himself. He knew all too clearly what would happen if he started being liberate with his opinions on blood status. Sirius had already demonstrated why he should not do that. So he would continue to keep up the pretense. What was the harm in calling a few nasty words anyway? He told himself. They were just sounds that people put meaning behind and if that was what it took for his parents to like him, it was a price he was willing to pay. Anyway it was fun. He felt slightly guilty for liking the feeling of power when he saw the fear in their eyes.
Whilst Pandora sat deeply immersed in her book Evan caught Regulus gaze and rolled his eyes affectionately at Pandora. “Want to play a game of chess?” Evan asked. “Or are you scared you will lose?” he dared, cocking an eyebrow. They both knew that Evan would have a run for his money. Evan was great but Regulus was extraordinary and very good at predicting moves. “Sure” he smiled cocking his own eyebrow.
Regulus never let Evan win because he knew Evan would see through it and be highly insulted. Evan was not like Sirius who only played for the pleasure of winning, Evan played for the focused thrill of power. Knowing that all those pawns were in your power, that you could move them however you liked and they were entirely at your mercy. That’s why Regulus thought he liked it anyway. That was the reason he liked chess though crushing your opponents was certainly part of the thrill. It was fun playing against Evan and it was a challenge though he always won.
They played for half an hour before Regulus pawn took Evans king. This strangely pleased him, not the winning part. The pawn who was the underdog, only able to take one mere step at a time managed to beat the high and mighty king whose life was valued above all. The pawn always in the shadows of bigger, greater pieces being controlled by higher forces and in statistics meaningless. That pawn managed to beat the king whom though weak only being able to take one step at a time had many sworn protectors whilst the pawn had no one. All the odds were against the pawn but still it managed.
The sun had almost set once they arrived at the big castle Regulus had come to see as a home. Though they rarely discussed it, he knew his friends felt the same way. Barty whose dad did not care for him and left him alone a lot. Evan whose parents saw him as a pawn to be wed. Pandora whose family was vicious towards her ever since the sorting hat put her in Ravenclaw. She tried to hide her fear as she mounted the train back home but Regulus who knew her so well, knew just how frightened she was.
Pandora waved cheerily as she skipped off toward the Ravenclaw table. She did not walk as most people, she skipped, half dancing and her hands flying around her. People always stared but she did not seem to mind based on the happy, blissful smile she usually sported. She sat down next to Xenophilious Lovegood. He had long, straight, straw-colored hair, green blue eyes, and a generally scruffy, unkempt appearance. He was known for having quite unbelievable theories, but Pandora was endlessly fascinated. They were both clearly head over heals about each other but none of them admitted it so kept on their friendship.
Regulus sat on the opposite side of Evan and Barty as to be able to see their faces when talking and plus Bartys etiquette was quite rusty making Regulus repress the urge to gag. He did not want to sit next to him gurgling down cup after cup of pumpkin juice or his loud chewing of beef wellington. Regulus shudder just thinking about it. The feast was as always horrible and wonderful at the same time. The food was excellent much better in fact than the food served at the black family banquets.
But there was as always so much noise, making his head spin. He felt his head thud in the same speed as his thumping heart which as always beat extra fast in large crowds. Regulus hardly knew were to look as there were people everywhere and he could not hear Barty and Evan as the noise invaded his head. Toujours pur he reminded himself. Keep calm, remain calm he thought repressing the urge to take deep calming breaths or fidget with the ring on his finger. He forced himself not to hyperventilate as panic gripped him. You are abnormal, no one else feels this way he thought. “Don’t be a sissy Regulus, come out of there now and show decorum. Toujours pur” his mothers voice echoed in his head. He had been four then and had hidden under the table shaking and crying overwhelmed by the banquet filled with all his relatives and every single family of the sacred 28. He knew something was wrong with him but he had gotten better at hiding it as time went by, pretending. Regulus shivered knowing what his mother would say and call him if she knew. He was looking down on the table and loading his plate with food to avoid looking at all the commotion around him when he heard a snide voice in his ear. “The black sheep of the blacks seems to be enjoying himself” Snape sneered in his ear. Despite himself, Regulus glanced up. The four boys were sitting beside each other. Peter, the short plump boy with blond hair was sitting slightly crouched furthest to the right. He was eating his food and looking slightly gloomy smiling only when his friends addressed him which did not seam to happen very often. He did seem their friend and not just a tag along as people suggested but it was obvious he was the constant third wheel. Probably because he lacked the other boy’s talent Regulus presumed.
Beside him was Remus Lupin,eating enough to feed an entire family. He was looming over his friends even when sitting. He was as handsome as always but he was not the kind of handsome as the boys sitting next to him. Remus had a roguish charm and seemed quite dangerous which Regulus knew was a fact not a mere instinct. The ones who had crossed him had been severely injured. He was a complicated one as he pretended to be a swot, the nice one of the marauders.
On his left was Sirius laughing hard and clutching his stomach. He tried not to look to much at him. But beside him was someone even worse. James Potter. He had an arm on Sirius shoulder and was grinning hard. His hazel eyes filled of warmth as he watched his friends. His jet-black hair was a mess and stood up at the back. With his other arm he raised his round golden spectacles up his long nose. Regulus hated looking at him. He did not know why but every time he looked at him his stomach made a weird flip, and he did not feel quite in control, which he hated. He told himself he was simply jealous of perfect potter. His easy friendship with Sirius, his large, devoted fan club, his expertise on the quidditch pitch, his loving parents, his easy confidence, and his happy smile.
“So?” Regulus asked Snape ending his painful observation of the marauders. “No matter” Snape replied as though having wished to get a rise out of him. Regulus realized that this was not the reason he had dropped the topic, however. Lily the girl he was so infatuated with had smiled at him when she met Snapes gaze. Oh, the great Lily Evans smiled at you Snape he thought cruelly. She turned around tugging her fire red hair behind her ear. It was not that he couldn’t see why he fancied her. She was clever, extremely pretty with her almond shaped emerald green eyes, her fire red hair, her curves and a fierce tongue but Snapes obsession with her quickly grew annoying.
Regulus hurried off to the Slytherin common room as soon as they were dismissed. He murmured the password and entered the common room. Relief spread through him. It was relatively cold down there and the cool colors, the glistening fire and the stone walls provided a calm sort of comfort Regulus thought. Having hurried before his classmates the dorm was nearly deserted except for a few sixth year girls and Dorcas Meadows sitting on the black leather couch.
He hurried up the dormitory stairs only losing composure once the door behind him was closed. He fell down on his four-poster bed breathing hard. He looked up onto the canopy wishing he could just fall asleep and never wake up. How easy wouldn’t it be then? He had so much shit to deal with. There was his brother, his parents, the war and so much else that was going wrong. He sighed heavily and stood up. He began unpacking his stuff and putting his posters on the wall beside his bed.
Barty and Evan entered the room laughing jovially. “And didn’t I tell you we would deal with her?” Barty asked Evan, evidently continuing their conversation. “You did” Evan replied smiling affectionately at Barty and looking at him for just a moment to long. Luckily for him, Barty was just as inept as him at reading and hiding emotions. A match made in heaven Regulus thought and repressed the urge to chuckle.
“The only thing she had going for her was her blood status. She was not a looker” Barty chuckled, smiling his wicked crooked grin. “What did you do?” Regulus asked casually. “Only been back in the castle for two hours and you already locked some girl in a cupboard. Going for a record, eh?” Regulus drawled but he grinned all the same. He had addressed Barty but it was Evan who replied. He was gloomy again. “Mom made a match between us, ugh” he sighed, quickly out of his cheery mood. Barty did not cotton on to his “friends” change of temperament but continued. “I tried out that new curse Evan told us about at dinner, you know, mordeo. Her whole face swelled up and she ran away crying” he laughed. “Pathetic” he grinned bumping Evan on the arm. Evan nodded and went to his four poster bed, beginning to unpack. Barty talked energetically on about exploding snap. He did not seem to mind that his two best friends wasn’t paying attention. Barty often talked about a new interest he had taken up only to drop it a week later and get obsessed with something new. Regulus did not mind, he actually found his friends familiar chatter soothing as he often did.
When he had finished his packing he lay down in bed and tried to sleep. He as usual lay awake much longer than his dormmates. When he finally fell asleep, he dreamt nightmares as usual.