Stupid Feelings
Regulus woke early the following morning, it was only 3 am but Regulus had gotten used to his messed-up sleep schedule. He remembered how he had once thought five hours of sleep was little, now he would have longed for that much sleep. It was hard enough to fall asleep with his mind racing and when he finally fell asleep, if he was lucky that is, he was haunted with terrible nightmares. That night it was of Sirius on the floor, in a puddle of his own blood.
When he woke he was unable to find sleep again so he as usual picked up a book and started to read. Regulus enjoyed reading and doing research though he could not exactly call it studying. He never did research in the matter of schoolwork since he was able to maintain a perfect streak of Outstanding’s without trying very hard. He did not see what the fuzz over studying was, listen in class and then remember the research you did for fun, easy. He used to think like that anyway before he realized that not everyone would call reading a book on the goblin rebellions fun. He just liked knowing stuff and to always be prepared but his peers did not seem to share this view.
He sighed and began reading a book on curses he brought from home. It was fascinating and made him able to think of something other than his brother for a while. He lay in bed reading to the lit tip of his wand for hours. Regulus dearly hoped his father wouldn’t notice the missing book.
When the other boys woke up, they hurried down to breakfast. They chatted merrily as they ate their breakfast. Barty was eating a green apple and Evan was eating scrambled eggs on toast. Regulus himself found that he was not very much interested in the food but took a piece of toast with lemon curd as to not raise suspicion. Show decorum he reminded himself. How would it look if he didn’t eat just because his stomach churned when he saw his brother and his best mate laughing together? He thought of Walburgas worried conversations about Sirius with Orion. Regulus remembered the words his mother had hissed at Sirius. Impure, tainted, depraved. He wondered if it was true, not the depraved tainted part but could his brother really be… He didn’t even know what the politicly correct term was.
Their parents had raised them with the intent of them feeling as much hate and prejudice as them. Though he pretended, he did not see what was wrong with muggleborns or people who loved people of the same gender. Regulus tried to find a non-offensive word for it but wasn’t sure. His mother had loads of different names for it of course but all of those were offensive and he had only ever heard it spoken about from her. He looked at Barty and Evan as he thought, keeping his carefully neutral mask on and looking as though he were merely listening to the conversation. Barty and Evan clearly fancied each other but why should that be any of his business? He tried to think of why on earth it would be so wrong, but he could not find any argument for it.
Over Bartys shoulder he could see Potters arm around Sirius neck and could see them exchange a glance and then start laughing. Sirius was very fond of Potter he knew this after his endless rantings of the great Potter. And how had their mother known? She must have entered his mind surely and Sirius was always hanging around after Potter. He remembered Snapes words as he recounted the story in his second year. That’s why he follows Potter around like a lovesick girl surely so that’s what I told him Snapes leering voice echoed in his head. Could that be true? Could Sirius fancy the James Potter?
Of course, he would like perfect Potter with his tan skin, his muscly arms, his kind winning smile, the warmth and kindness he radiated like a sun, his messy black hair, his deep hazel brown eyes and his soft lips. Regulus felt an unidentifiable sense of fury and nausea. Was he jealous? He realized he was but not of James as he had thought but of Sirius under James muscly arm. Before he could stop himself, he thought of himself under James’s arm staring up into his varm eyes and have him smile at him, Regulus. He imagined the warmth of him right beside him and his stomach made an odd sort of jolt.
Regulus felt horrified with himself, but he couldn’t. he couldn’t possibly like James Potter?! He didn’t even know what it was supposed to feel like. He had never fancied anyone, and he found romance books endlessly dull. His only coherent thought was fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Anyone else he begged silently just anyone else. Not James Potter.
Regulus sat silently panicking the rest of the breakfast staring at the Gryffindor table. Was that what it had been? The way his eyes always lingered on him, the way his stomach felt when he was around and the way he felt quite senseless around him. No no no no he thought over and over. He would quash it he decided he could choose not to feel like this. He would not fancy a Gryffindor boy who to top it all off was his brother’s best friend.
His dwellings came to an end when he saw Sirius limp out of the great hall. It was clear he was trying to hide it but making a poor job. He had to talk to Dumbledore as soon as possible he decided.
After breakfast he had potions which made him feel slightly better. Potions was his favorite subject for sure. He grew bored in all other subjects but there was always something to learn in potions but he still could not understand why Barty and Evan found it so immensely difficult. How hard could it be to follow a few lines of simple instructions?
Luckily they were still sharing potions with the Ravenclaws meaning he could work with Pandora. Pandora was an excellent partner. She was curious and actually interested in learning, so she focused on the task at hand making sure to do a good job.
Regulus liked Barty and Evan very much, but they lacked Pandoras concentration and dedication making them terrible work partners. Pandora was great in the sense that she did not fill the silent moments with awkward small talk. Sometimes they would work in comfortable silence and other times they would talk, or she would do most of the talking. Regulus was more of a listener than a talker but he liked hearing her talk about a new fact she had discovered or explain one of Xenos insane theories.
They were brewing the strengthening solution and Pandora was talking about an idea she had for a painting. It would have been an ideal morning in usual circumstances but Regulus couldn’t stop thinking about Potter or his stupid feelings he didn’t seem able to turn off. Yes, he had always felt that way about Potter so why should it get worse now he wondered gloomily. Damn you Potter he thought. You and your stupid hazel brown eyes.
After potions he had herbology which he found quite dull, he was not that interested in plants. It was not that much of a distraction and that allowed his mind to go places he did not at all like with James Potter, most of them with Potters soft lips on his.
Then he had divination which was his most difficult and boring subject. He had very quickly realized that he was no seer. He could not see a single thing in those foggy crystal balls and grew frustrated every time he tried. He tried to tell himself that it at least was better than the dream interpretation which was true but made him feel little better. Regulus had been horrible at dream interpretation but that might have had something to do with the fact that he had only made up dreams in order to not write down his horrible nightmares he wished to take with him to the grave. His nightmares were a point of great embarrassment seeing as he thought he should have outgrown them long ago. He tried to put all his focus on divination but something or rather someone was distracting his mind.
The fact that they shared the class with the Ravenclaws made matters even worse. In most subjects Regulus appreciated Pandoras company but not in divination. Pandora might not be a seer, but she was certainly good. She was top in the class and Regulus hated that she was better than him. The fact that anyone was better than him at anything was greatly disturbing, though he knew he couldn’t be the best at everything. Though what made him more annoyed was when she tried to encourage him as if pointing out that he sucked.
“Don’t worry Lucy! You are going to pick it up eventually” she said and smiled when he had not seen anything in his crystal ball after an hour of just staring. He merely grunted and looked away. “Oh, come on Luc don’t be sad let’s go and paint once our classes are finished. Ok?” she encouraged. He met her gaze and her kind grey eyes so unlike his own in the pure kindness they radiated. “Yeah ok” he mumbled. “Great let me just go to the library a quickie before lunch and I will meet you there” she beamed her hole face radiating happiness. “I can come with you; I need to borrow a book anyway” he replied, and she smiled even more brightly. He decided to borrow some book on romance as to know for sure though his hopes were not high. “You are the best Luc” She smiled and grabbed his hand.
People were staring as they walked together to the library. When people saw them they quit holding hands but they still walked beside each other. They did not fancy each other as people would assume if they saw them holding hands.
Friendship with Pandora was unlike friendship with Barty and Evan in the way that he and Panda didn’t keep secrets from each other and even though they didn’t discuss it in detail they both knew the other had a tricky childhood with a trickier family. Pandora knew what he felt even when he kept his expression carefully neutral. That person used to be Sirius he reflected sadly.
They were just Panda and Lucy. Pandora had come up with the nickname Luc or Lucy in their first year when she was annoyed how no one used the last letters of his name. At first he had pretended being annoyed and come up with the nickname pan or panda since people called her Dora ignoring the first letters of her name. Somehow the names had stuck and people were ever so confused when they heard them.
The other reason why they didn’t hold hands when people saw was because of their parents. Panda was the middle child of the Lestrange family. She was the eternal disappointment child being in Ravenclaw. Her family had similar disciplining methods as his family, and it had only gotten worse after the sorting. She tried very hard to make her parents like her again but remained unsuccessful. Her parents didn’t want her to destroy their reputation by being with other kids from influential parents. She was also to downplay her role as their child whilst at school as to not raise attention to the embarrassment she was.
Regulus parents did not want him to be friends with Panda either. Pandas’ reputation as the disappointment of the Lestrange family had not eluded his parents. His father had already lectured him on the importance of not staining their reputation by hanging around “the wrong people” as he called it. He had said that Sirius had already ruined their reputation enough and he do better not to mess up.
They walked to the library were Panda borrowed a book on the goblin rebellions for fun. That was another thing he liked about Pandora she liked learning as much if not more than he did. Regulus borrowed six different books on romance. Better safe than sorry he thought. Panda gave him a bemused look but did not question him. She knew he hated romance books, but she also knew him well enough to know when he would shut down at questioning.
They waved each other goodbye when they arrived in the great hall. Pandora sat down with Xeno and he sat down with Barty and Evan. He went to all his classes his mind drifting to the books in his bag. His last class was transfiguration which was lucky since he needed to speak with professor Mcgonnagoll.
After the lesson he approached her as the other students were hurrying out. She looked up from her desk “Do you have any questions on the homework set?” she asked. He felt akward but he reminded himself that this was the only way to get an audience with Dumbledore which was the only way to save Sirius. “No professor I need to talk to the headmaster” he said head held high hoping to sound more confident than he felt. She raised a thin eyebrow. “The headmaster is busy could you not talk to me or your head of house?” she asked staring down at him severely. “No sorry professor but it is a private matter and I really need to speak with professor Dumbledore. Please professor” he said lowering his head not wanting to meet her gaze. Regulus felt very out of place and uncomfortable. She looked at him and he thought he sensed pity from her. “Very well mr Black. I will tell him, and he will send a note when you can meet” she replied voice softer. “Thank you, professor,” he said bowing his head and leaving feeling exhausted and relived at the same time.
He walked toward the room of requirement were Pandora was sure to be waiting. He had found the room when he had been pacing back and forth wishing he could find a calm place. He had felt overwhelmed after his first day in classes and not knowing the castle he settled for walking back and forth until a big black door appeared on the stone wall. Curious he had opened the door and stepped inside a medium sized room with books lining the walls and the peculiar thing was that it was all books he would enjoy reading. There was a big fluffy rug with a comfortable dark sage green armchair and a lamp beside it providing perfect reading light. There was a table there as well. On it was a chess set and fancy art supplies. Regulus had relaxed there for hours not leaving until after curfew.
Once he had gotten close with Panda and she had revealed how she missed painting he had showed her the room. They still went there to paint, and they called it their “art studio”. As Regulus had predicted Panda stood waiting for him outside. Her face split into a smile the moment she saw him. They thought “I need a place to paint” three times and entered their studio.
It was quite a spacious room with desks lined with equipment and their paintings all over the walls. Panda had her painting station, and he had his. Their art was everywhere but they both had drawings and sketches where they worked. They put on their aprons and got to work. Panda was using bold colors as usual. Her art was always colorful, full of feelings and often distorted things.
Regulus took his usual palette of blacks, greys and decided to add a few shades of red. He thought of James and felt his stomach churn. He could see Pandora just paint straight on, but he decided to sketch. He thought of Potter again, and he know knew what people meant by having butterflies in your stomach. Potter was not even there but he felt light and almost tipsy. He had only been tipsy one time when Bella had poured oat matured mead in his butterbeer but Sirius had gotten tipsier so Regulus had been safe.
He started drawing Potters face on the canvas wishing he could put the image of his smiling face on the canvas instead of in his mind. He did not think of what Panda would say but got lost in the process. He drew the exact proportions even though Potter wasn’t there he got it right. Without thinking he started painting and using colors for a change and not the colors necessary to make him realistic but bright happy colors. He kept his eyes hazel and had some patches of his skin color but there was mostly sunshine yellow, light sage green, sherbet orange and ocean blue. He was lost in the process and though it was silent it felt like he was working in a room with distant voices guiding him through the painting.
He startled when he heard a voice over his shoulder. “That looks awesome, you finally decided to paint with some color”. He suddenly realized how weird it was for him to have painted James Potter. “Thanks” he said and stared at his feet bracing himself as though she knew, as though she was going to slap him. “You fancy him then?” she asked casually as though it was not a big deal. He looked up and she turned her gaze from his painting to his face. He was absolutely chocked and speechless. What the heck was going on? She was looking at him and he had no idea what to say. Why was Pandora acting like this was entirely normal and it was nothing out of the ordinary that he maybe probably fancied a dude. What on earth was he supposed to say? Was this a trick?! “What?” he asked stalling for time. Pandora smiled and raised her eyebrows. “Well?” she rolled her eyes. He didn’t speak, stunned. His stomach was one big knot of nerves. Panda crossed her arms in an uncharacteristically stern gesture. Here it comes he thought. He braced himself sure the punch was coming. “Oh Luc, you can just tell me you know. I am not a judgmental idiotic prick” she stated at first calm but ended up basically spiting out the words and fuming in rage. She looked quite unlike herself. Then she calmed down and took a deep steadying breath. He was trying to find a coherent thought but found himself unable to think over the jumble of his own panic. The only thought she could think was “they can’t know, I cant let them know”. He felt his heart beat hard in his chest. His breath was coming quick, and he was trying to breath, but he couldn’t. Not now he thought desperately. He had been trying to repress his mental turns for years but once he got started, he couldn’t stop. He began tugging on his hair and his legs felt shaky. He heard pandas voice as from far away. “Luc?” she sounded worried. He grabbed his supply table and managed to even out his breathing.
“I don’t know” he said finally meeting her gaze. He knew he was blushing hard but he was to shaky to care. He had gotten used to his weird crazy shit but it was still rough. “Sorry, you were not meant se that” he mumbled looking down at the spot of red paint on her nose to avoid looking in her eyes. “Luc” she grabbed his arm and pulled his chin up so he met her gaze. “You don’t need to hide from me, Luc” she said and seamed earnest. His brows knotted in confusion. He had never met anyone who didn’t see whatever was going on with him as a disease. “Ok so you are not going to punch me?” he asked making sure he wasn’t falling into a highly disguised trap. Pandora actually chuckled and giggled “no of course not”.
He relaxed, Panda was so knowledgeable and if he could get past the embarrassment of the thing she could be of great help. “Thanks, I don’t know what I would do without you” he sighed sitting down cross legged on the floor. She joined him “good thing then that you are never finding out” she promised. He let out a shaky laugh. “Thank you” he replied, earnest. “Lucy I am not our parents. We are entitled to like whomever we like” she shrugged “And if they are too pigheaded to realize that” she shrugged bluntly. He found comfort in the way she said “we”, did that mean he wasn’t alone? He nodded, his throat feeling hoarse after the breathing issues. “Potter?” she asked simply raising her eyebrows. He found the wish to confide in her. He realized that he trusted her. It was scary and comforting. Scary because he could get his trust broken but comforting because it really was painful keeping everything locked inside. He decided he could trust her; she looked very earnest.
“I think so, but I don’t really know the symptoms” he sighed heavily. Unexpectedly Panda laughed. He stared at her incredulous, was this what she wished to trap him in? He already regrated trusting her and his stomach knotted tighter as he thought what have you done. “So that’s why you borrowed the romance books?” she asked leaving Regulus more confused still. Was this mockery, humour or friendship? He didn’t have a single clue. He had absolutely no idea what to do so simply nodded. Panda grabbed his hand. “Luc you are not going to figure it out from a book, but” she took away her arm and started looking for something in her bag. “I made a list based on thorough research”. Ok so it was not a trick? But Panda saying something couldn’t be figured out by a book was rather weird. “Ok?” he mumbled. “So lets get started then, number one do your stomach feel weird when they are around?” she asked now business like as always when working. Regulus nodded because it really seemed like it wasn’t a cruel trick and anyway it was very like Panda to be so openminded. She nodded smiling slightly and continued “number two Is it hard to stop thinking about them?”. He nodded again feeling his stomach drop even further. His hopes had not exactly been high but now when he had already checked several boxes the anxiety was starting to creep up on him. “Ok, number three is it hard to think properly around them?” she asked. No, he thought desperately. He nodded again feeling like he would puke if he opened his mouth. “Number four do you find yourself staring at them?” she asked still staring down at the paper and scribbling something down. He thought then nodded. Even though she didn’t look up she seemed to have seen as she smiled. “And lastly number five do you want to kiss them?” she asked with a casually business-like tone as if they were discussing the weather. He thought of his fantasies and felt his face burn red hot. He could not manage to nod but Panda seemed to take his red cheeks as a yes. She grinned and looked up. “No doubt about it you definitely fancy him Luc” she smiled warmly. “No” he groaned. He thought, trying to find something good about this whole mess. Panda had helped him figure out what it was so maybe she could help him get rid of it? It was a long shot, but it was Regulus only hope. “How do I get rid off it? Is there a cure?” he asked desperately. Her smile turned a little sad. “I am sorry Lucy but there is nothing I can do” she said patting his arm gently. Regulus thought he was going to be sick. They were quiet for a bit before Panda seemingly taking pity on him spoke. “Last summer I was in a bit of a similar position.” She spoke and before he could stop himself, he began to hope. Maybe there was a way out of this after all. “I fancied this girl who lived down the street. She had chestnut brown hair and wild green eyes. We started hanging out and quickly became close. One day I brought her to my room, and we were hand in hand chatting and then she kissed my cheek. My dad entered at that exact moment and” she paused seemingly very sad by the look on her face. “Well, she didn’t want to see me after that” she finished looking away and seeming as though about to cry. “Oh, Panda” he said giving her a tight hug. Regulus did not much like hugging, but it was different with Panda, she was soft, and he felt vulnerable but not in a bad way when he was close to her. Her story had distracted him from his own misery, but he felt a stab of sorrow and anger on Pandas behalf.
Regulus felt lighter as they cleared up their workstations. When the panic had passed he felt relived knowing what was happening and having told Panda. Or well he hadn’t told her exactly, she had figured it out but still.
Pandora had painted a beautiful bird flying with one wing in a colorful landscape and the other in darkness and decay. The painting was beautiful Regulus thought. It spoke to him in a way.
They walked in comfortable silence until they departed. “Bye, Luc” she smiled softly and was about to leave when panic gripped him. “You are not going to tell? Please Panda don’t tell anyone” He begged. Now that the moment had passed, he was beginning to feel panicked again. “Of course not Lucy. Your secret is safe with me and I hope it works the other way too” she chewed her lip nervously and only then did Regulus realize how brave she had been or even that she could be scared of this. “Obviously” he smiled, and she visibly relaxed her shoulders sagging.
He went straight to bed that evening thinking. That day had given him a lot to consider. He thought of Panda, Dumbledore, his parents, and his brother. That night he did not dream a nightmare, he dreamt of James Potters smiling face.