what if?
James woke up with a terrible headache, dried tears on his cheek from the night before. He felt like shit.
It was like he had a déjà vu every day since he lost Regulus, he woke up to walk through the day longing for his bed where he could block everything and everything. It was like a cycle he couldn't break free from.
Every morning he got reminded that he was gone. Regulus. Reg. His Reg. Why him? James didn't know what to do. The guilt kept coming back every day like someone dumped a bucket of ice water over his head.
He knew it wasn't his fault, not really. But still, he couldn't stop himself from thinking he could've prevented it.
What if?
What if he could've seen it coming?
What if he could've helped?
Would he be here?
Safe in his arms?
What if it was all an act?
What if it wasn't real?
What if? What if?
He could never help it, to stop hoping that he would be there when he walks into the living room, curled up in the corner of the couch, reading a book.
Regulus always liked reading, to get absorbed by some other world, preferably fantasy. He used it as a little island, in the wild ocean of reality. Away from the media and work, to get a little rest.
But he wasn't there, and the book still closed on the table, the exact same as a week ago. James picked it up, it was The Song of Achilles. He remembered Regulus had wanted to read it for a long time. All that waiting, and now he'd never get to finish it.
He sank down on the couch and opened the book, only to find annotations everywhere. His eyes fell on a page filled with them. There was one underlined sentence:
As if he heard me, he smiled, and his face was like the sun.
The final sentence of the chapter, but not the end of regulus’s thoughts, as he had filled the rest of the page with words.
James let his fingers run over the letters. He felt like he was invading Regulus's privacy, but he didn't know what else to do. He tried to search for anything to still hold on to, to not let him fade away. He wanted more. He wanted everything. He wanted Regulus. He didn't want to read the words, but his eyes moved faster than his thoughts, and his brain carved the words into his soul.
Only one smile that lights up the room like that, it's yours.
I feel like Icarus, flying to my doom.
I know I will burn if I come too close,
But your laugh is like a song,
A siren's call. One I can't refuse, one that I won't.
I'll follow you anywhere, everywhere.
Tell me where to go.
My life, my death, it's all one and the same, it’s a price I'm willing to pay.
Time after time.
James,
The sun has a lot to learn before it can shine as bright as you.
I love you
I love you too, James thinks as tears flood his eyes. Why couldn't Reg just be here with him, so he could tell him that, at least once more. To look him in the eyes, and tell him he loves him, to tell him he's the best thing in the world. he'd repeat it until he believed it as well. He was so young; they had a whole life ahead of them. Sirius didn't know about them, he knew they were close, but they never told him. They were going to, they really were, but it was never the moment. He was just scared, afraid that he'd have to choose. To let go of one, he knew he couldn't. But now he had to.
But he can't, not really. He'll have to learn to live without him. But he'll never let go.
"Come on Reg, don't leave me like this," he whispered.
He didn't get a response, oh how silence can be deafening.
The front door opened "James?”
His head snapped up.
What if? What if?
Sirius walked in; Disappointment flooded James.
It shouldn't.
What if? What if?
Sirius is here.
He's not alone.
He feels alone.
He feels empty.
He feels nothing.
Does he feel?
It doesn't feel like he does, but how can he feel that he can't feel if he can't feel?
Fuck. He misses Regulus so much it hurts.
That's a feeling.
He doesn't want to feel.
He wants Regulus.
He wants to feel Regulus.
What if he forgets what feeling Regulus is like?
He won't.
He'll refuse.
Regulus is warmth, and the cold. He's like hot cocoa in front of the hearth with a blanket on a snowy winter's day. He's like shadow and wind in a heat wave. He's anything that makes everything perfect. He's Regulus. He's life.
But he's dead.
Life is dead.
“James, you need to breathe.”
Right.
Breath in.
Exhale.
Repeat.
That's how it's supposed to go.
that's how it goes.
For the living.
Regulus stopped doing that.
Regulus is dead.
Regulus is dead.
Those words keep repeating in his brain, but it never truly processes.
Dead.
How is it fair? He was only nineteen.
“James.”
Breathe.
He will.
Almost.
One more second.
He gets so much stress from the world.
In his mind it isn't much better, but there he still has hope.
But it's more like a dream.
It isn't the same, a dream is a fantasy.
Hope is real.
Is there any hope left? He hopes so.
He got snapped out of his mind, as Sirius emptied a cold glass of water above his head.
“Sirius!” he yelled out.
“I'm sorry, but you were freaking me out!” Sirius said with a look of shock still on his face.
“Sorry.”
“I tried calling you 20 times, why didn’t you pick up?”
“I haven't looked yet,” James mumbled. Every time he picked up his phone there were hundreds of messages, ready to yell at him.
Regulus this, Regulus that.
Regulus dead, that’s what. James wished people would just leave him be.
“Why the hell not? It's almost 1 PM”
James snapped his head toward the clock, “Fuck,” he sighed. Everything went so slow without him, why would he bother? Where was he going? Not to Regulus, so what was the point? “I'm sorry, I-, what did you need me for?”
“James, we would go to Reg today. You wouldn't just forget that. Are you ok?”
Reg? They would go to Reg? But Regulus is dead. What was going on? “What?” he managed to say in the midst of his confusion, though it was more whisper-like.
What if? What if?
“We were supposed to meet with Remus and Peter today to go to Reg's grave, remember?”
“Today? I thought we planned that in a few weeks. One month after his passing, not one week.” James had remembered Sirius specifically suggesting them going together after the first month. “I have it written on my calend-”
James stopped when he met Sirius's wide eyes.
“Are you ok?” Sirius squinted his eyes sceptically, as he took James in.
“Why wouldn't I be?”
“James, it has been a month.”
But that couldn't be right, he looked at his calendar this morning, or was that yesterday?
“No, that can't be right. I saw you a few days ago.”
“I haven't seen you in more than a week, James. I thought you needed some space, when you didn't reply to my messages.” Sirius picked up James's phone, when he didn't do anything but stare straight ahead. “These notifications are from days ago.”
“I haven't looked on my phone.”
“Clearly. Why not?”
“Because it's the same every day. I wake up, look at my phone, get bombarded with questions about reg, and collapse.”
“But now you don't even know what day it is.”
James opened his mouth, just to close it again. He didn't know what to say about that. It was the truth after all. But it hurt so much.
Every time he opened his phone there'd be a thousand messages waiting for him to react to. He couldn't. It hurt so much.
The entire internet was going crazy, even after a month had passed. Everyone was sharing their bit of info to try to figure out what really happened, because they didn't know. No one knew. It was so sudden, and an entire team of investigators couldn't find any clues.
Naturally, everyone was conspiring. James couldn't bare reading it, it hurt too much.
People had started DM-ing the rest of the marauders to find more information about what happened, but they didn't know either. They had asked for space to the media, and although some people seemed to understand, others just didn't back down. But they couldn't help anyways as they hadn't gotten any information whatsoever.
But they would. James promised himself that day that he would find whoever did it. And then he'd know why. Because behind all else, the hope, the pain and the emptiness, there was the burning question hidden. Why? He could never understand, that’s all that he'd ever understand. But he had to know. If only to let go. He just didn't know where to start.
Maybe with getting up, and not having a mental breakdown for the rest of the day.
Maybe with picking up his phone and finding a loose end.
He would. Just not yet. he'd wait just one more moment. A second to catch his breath. One more moment before he'd dive in the water. One second before the cold, the darkness, the unknown. He wouldn't let that stop him. he'd do anything for Regulus, he'd promised him that a long time ago, he wasn't planning on breaking that promise now.