Knowing and Unknowing
Remus was acting like nothing was wrong, which made everything feel all the more wrong. Remus’ blatant action of ignoring Sirius’ presence in the already small enough carriage was making Sirius feel like he was being suffocated. He also felt itchy all over, a sensation he wasn’t a stranger to. Regulus did the same thing whenever he used to be mad at Sirius. He would simply pretend that Sirius was not there. Why did Sirius have to be surrounded by stubborn gits? Although he hadn’t felt itchy around Regulus as of recent, Regulus had been pretending that Sirius wasn’t in his line of sight for years now.
James was nowhere to be found, or maybe it was just that Sirius didn’t want to find him. It had taken all of five minutes for him and Lily to find each other after boarding the Hogwarts Express and Sirius didn’t need to be a genius to know what they were most likely up to inside one of the many empty carriages. A silencing charm went a long way, Sirius would know from his years of sneaking girls up to his dorm room.
That left Remus and Peter with Sirius, Peter was in a well enough mood munching on his pumpkin pasties. But Sirius didn’t feel like talking with Peter, who in addition to snacking was drafting a letter to, if Sirius had to guess, Olympia.
Sirius’ sights were set on Remus, who was sitting in a very similar position as he was when they had been on the Hogwarts Express months before. His legs were up on the seat and bent at the knees. His book was lying on his thighs, his back leaning against the wall next to the door behind him. Sirius was staring at him and he saw Remus’ shoulders slightly move. Oh, so Remus knew that Sirius wanted to talk to him and he simply didn’t care. That hurt.
But did he know just how much Sirius needed to speak to him and that that conversation would entail Sirius apologizing. Sirius supposed not, because Remus had relaxed, become accustomed to Sirius’ stare.
Sirius really was apologetic, James had nearly smacked him upside the head when he had talked to him about Remus’ abrupt departure.
“Stop being so stubborn. I understand if you’re mad or…or jealous” James said, much to Sirius's confusion. “But you can’t just blow up at someone because they are enjoying themselves. You need to apologize. I mean, we both know how much Remus regresses back into himself when stuff like this happens.”
“Jealous?” Sirius said in place of anything meaningful.
James sighed, “Of Remus spending his time with someone who isn’t one of us.” but Sirius felt that he was lying.
Nonetheless they left it at that, Sirius fully knowing that he would have to apologize to Remus as soon as possible. Unfortunately that would mean not doing it by letter. Sirius could tell people to put something meaningful into words but he didn’t want to do that himself.
However, that left them here. In a familiar but somehow more awkward place than they had been just weeks before. Sirius knew there were a number of ways he could apologize to Remus. He could outright say it but then Peter would have to bear witness to Sirius floundering whilst trying to say a speech he hadn’t rehearsed since his initial conversation with James. He could try to ease into the conversation and bring it up like a casual after thought.
Hey, Moony. Remember when you mentioned that you had been shagging your neighbor's cousin and I got “unreasonably” mad at you. Well yeah I’m sorry about that. Shag whoever you want, why should I care? I don’t care. Not at all. Not one bit.
No, no, Sirius could, under absolutely no circumstance, say that. But option two did seem safer. He could warm Remus up and then bring up what was the ultimate source of tension between them.
“Andy sent me a new vinyl last week.” Sirius said trying to sound like it was directed to no one in particular but it did come across as strictly towards Remus.
“That's good, mate.” Peter said, which was not the result that Sirius wanted. He loved Peter but he needed Remus right now. “Which one?”
“ABBA,” Sirius said. This was the cherry on top, something that Sirius was sure to get a comment out of Remus.
It did not.
“Mmmmmmm” Peter nodded. Remus stayed completely silent but he had tensed slightly showing Sirius that he was listening.
I’ve got you right where I want you, Sirius thought.
“Yeah,” Sirius said, “I love ABBA. Love it. I reckon that as soon as we get to the dorm, I should start to blast the album for all to hear.”
Peter smiled, catching on to what Sirius was trying to pull. “Oh, you know who would love that?” he asked.
Sirius shrugged, putting on an ungodly smile. “Who?”
“The girls! We should invite them over and have a first night party.”
“Peter, that's the best idea you’ve had in years.” Sirius said. Ignoring the offended “oi” Peter gave, he looked to Remus who had raised his head to follow along with the conversation more closely. Remus preferred a quiet first week, he liked the parties and celebrations to begin at least two weeks in.
Remus’ eyes locked onto Sirius.
That was when Sirius knew he messed up. Remus had been following along way before Sirius mentioned ABBA, he could tell from the way Remus looked at him. Remus knew exactly what Sirius had been doing. So Sirius had never had Remus righting where he wanted him but instead the opposite. And Remus was going to play into that as much as he could.
Remus was sitting up now and, while holding Sirius’ gaze, he tilted his head to the side. To an outsider it would of seemed like Remus was giving him an inquisitive look but Sirius immediately saw what Remus was drawing attention to: the blue and purple mark on the side of his neck, the one that looked suspiciously like it had been given to him either the night before or the night before last.
Sirius’ eyes widened and the carriage no longer felt suffocating but smothering, he needed to get out. Now.
He abruptly stood up and said something about looking for the gents. Peter gave him a strange look but Remus, the star of the show, had looked back down at his book. A playful smile on his mouth. Merlin, someone had kissed that mouth just last night. Fuck, Sirius rushed outside and made his way towards one of the empty carriages. He had to be alone.
***
Sirius was almost there, he could see it in the distance like an oasis in the middle of the desert. There was an empty carriage down the hall. Actually there were empty carriages all around but the farther he got from Remus the better he thought he would feel.
Something stopped him though. Or maybe you could say someone. The sound of a voice. No, Sirius realized on second thought, two voices.
So, this side of the train was not complete after all. Sirius couldn’t hear the whole scope of the words that were being said between these two mystery people but he hoped that it wasn’t something salacious, he could not walk into two people shagging. Uh-uh, no, not now.
“You know exactly what.” Sirius heard someone say and he was instantly struck with the realization that he knew that voice. So half of the pair that was impeding on Sirius’ alone time was none other than Marlene Mckinnon. So who else was there.
“Marlene, I-” The other person said. Sirius knew that voice as well. Dorcus Meadows. But what was this little rondez-vous all about. He didn’t want to pry but couldn't help but listen in.
“You wrote to me everyday this summer.” Dorcus continued, “You spent basically all of last year flirting with me and I- I just can’t spend another year, our last year, not knowing what this is.”
“This?” Marlene asked, as if that was the part that shocked her the most. Sirius felt a large amount of sympathy for both of them, and he remembered last year when Lily had made a joke about Marlene ditching her and Mary for Dorcus. So, others outside of the little bubble that was Dorcus and Marlene could see their bond.
“Yes, Marlene, this. Whatever this has been going on between us is.” Docus repeated, “Listen, If you don’t like me that way can you just give it to me straight?” Sirius could appreciate the layers in those words but he couldn’t focus on that now because Marlene had returned Dorcus’ question with radio silence. It seemed that was all Dorcus needed as an answer because Sirius heard someone shuffling for the door.
Shit, shit, fuck! He needed to hide.
Making a dive for an empty carriage Sirius was perfectly able to evade Dorcus, who walked past a second later. She was already in her robes and her braids were falling down her back, none of her braids were covering her face because her chin was in the air. If Sirius hadn’t heard any of the conversation that had just taken place between her and Marlene, he wouldn’t have had a clue what had just gone down. He doubted anyone else would be able to tell that she had just walked away from someone whom she had feelings for, someone who seemingly didn’t return them.
Sirius peeked outside the carriage, looked left and right then left and right again. The coast was clear. But he did hear someone shuffling in the carriage that Dorcus had just come from.
When Sirius looked in he saw Marlene sitting there, staring outside the window. It was clear that she was hurt, but only someone who knew her would be able to see that.
“Marlene?” Sirius said, slowly sinking down into the seat across from her.
“Not now, Black.” Marlene said. “I don’t want to talk.”
“Then don’t.” Sirius stated. “I will.”
Marlene looked over at him with a questioning look.
“I think that first I should let you know that I heard that.” Sirius started and Marlene’s look morphed into something more akin to horror.
Sirius hastened to continue, “I heard a little bit, I swear. Like probably only a minute of what was clearly a longer conversation.” Marlene calmed but only a little bit.
“I know I messed up, okay. You don’t have to tell me.” She looked back to the window.
Sirius wanted to reassure her, “I wasn’t going to say that.” There she was looking at the question again. “I was going to suggest that you fix whatever the hell that was.”
Marlene glared, “And how do you suggest I do that?”
“Well,” Sirius had to think about that for a second, “What’s Dorcus’ favorite animal?”
Marlene asked, “Are you suggesting I get her a ‘I have feelings for you too’ cat?”
“Or write her a letter saying how you feel.” Sirius finished, no use not taking a page from an old book. “Or give her your diary in which you talk about her. I don’t know, have some creativity.”
“Merlin, Sirius,” Marlene laughed.
“What? All of those are viable options.” Sirius made himself sound offended, he was a bit if he was being honest. He was giving her directions when she was directionless.
Marlene continued to laugh, and Sirius brightened up too. He had helped her feel better. How did he keep ending up in situations with disaffected couples? And he had no doubt that Dorcus and Marlene could make a couple, it was clear that Marlene just didn't know how to respond to what Dorcus was asking at the moment.
“Feeling better?” He asked her.
“You know I am a bit, and don’t worry I’ll think of something to win Dorcus over since all your ideas were useless.” Marlene told him.
“Oi! You just said I made you feel better.” Marlene really knew how to offend him.
“Relax, Black, I’m just fucking with you. You at least gave me a place to start.”
Sirius supposed he had, just like he had with Lily. “Wanna come back to ours?” Sirius asked her.
Marlene considered this for a moment, which offended him yet again. “I guess so. I wouldn’t put it past Lily for her to still be with James and I never know with Mary.” She shrugged.
They slowly made it up to the boys’ carriage. When they got there Sirius could see that James hadn’t returned yet, so Marlene had been right about him still being with Lily. Peter was missing though, maybe off to get some more snacks for the dorm? Sirius started to wonder when their first Hogsmead weekend would be, hopefully soon. That was always a highlight of his week when it happened. Butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks was calling his name.
Remus was exactly where Sirius had left him. Well, not exactly. He was no longer in the position to show off the mark on the side of his neck, but he was sitting back against the wall. Remus didn’t acknowledge Sirius but did Marlene. That hurt and Sirius was back to feeling itchy again, he hated it and was afraid that his hate would get directed inwards or at the closest target: Remus.
No, Sirius couldn’t let that happen, he needed to find something to focus on, something to do.
“Marlene, Did I tell you about the album my cousin sent me?”
“No,” Marlene said simply, “you didn’t. Who is it?”
“ABBA!” Sirius replied.
“Oh my favorite!”
“I know! Peter said we should play it as soon as we get sent to our dorms.”
“It’ll be a party.” Marlene said.
“Exactly!” Sirius couldn’t hide the laughter from his voice. He turned to see Remus’ reaction to what he and Marlene were saying and didn’t miss the small eye roll that Remus gave and definitely didn’t miss when Remus gently smiled to himself. It was a step, a small one at that, but a step nonetheless.