Back to Normal
The great hall was quite boring when all of the fresh first years were being sorted and there was not yet food out on the table for Sirius to enjoy. He looked around now, at Remus who was sitting across from him, at the line of nervous first years all waiting for their names to be called, and finally his eyes landed on Regulus.
He was taller now than he had been two years ago, the last time the both of them had spent any extended amount of time together. Much, much taller but he was still very skinny. Unlike Sirius he hadn’t grown out his hair down to his shoulders but his curls managed to hide some of his face when he tilted his head the right way. And right now he was tilting it so most of his eyes were covered and Sirius knew exactly what that had meant. When Sirius and Regulus were much younger, their mother wouldn’t use magic on them but more physical means. It only was around when Sirius started at Hogwarts that the abuse became more magic oriented, getting turned into household objects, being trapped in mirrors, all the horrible things their mother could concoct to punish them. Sirius had always had long hair, much to his mothers dismay, and whenever she had tried to shave it it would grow back on its own overnight. Regulus had longer hair when he was younger too. That being said they both had their ways of hiding bruises until they faded.
Sirius hadn’t talked to Reggie in years, but sometimes the urge to walk over and step back into the position of protective older brother was so empowering that he forgot that fact.
He was torn from his reverie when food appeared on the table making him jump and earn a nudge from James who was sitting in his left.
“Stop fidgeting,” James whispered.
“I wasn’t,” Sirius said, a little too sharp.
“Yes, you were.” Surprisingly that came from Remus who was cutting into his food and didn’t look up when he spoke. Sirius flushed, so Remus had been looking at him?
“Oh Remus, you noticed me.” Sirius gushed, “I feel so special.”
“I only noticed you cause you wouldn’t hold still for even a second.” Remus looked up when he said this next bit and Merlin his eyes were just to die for. They were brown but not as rich as Mary’s, they were something close to a hazel but darker than that too. Of course Remus practically invented a totally new eye color for himself, a mesmerizing unique shade of brown. Whoever ended up with Remus would be lucky to have those eyes staring back at them every morning and night. Sirius would love to have someone like Remus with him always. He felt jealous again, the same feeling he had when Michael was first brought up. Only now he had the means to put words to the feeling; he was jealous over the thought of someone spending all their time with Remus because he would be losing him.
Remus was holding Sirius' stare, which was becoming a regular occurrence, and something in it told Sirius that Remus was about to pull what he had on the train, he was gearing up to tilt his head just to mess with Sirius. But before he could Sirius sat up taller than anyone else at the table and reached across it to grab Remus by the chin, stopping his head from tilting. Remus got very wide eyed and Sirius felt a sense of pride at shocking the unshockable. Merlin, Remus’ skin was soft and from this close Sirius could see all of his freckles that were normally overshadowed by his scars. He was lost in Remus’ features but that didn’t let him miss the slightly louder than normal cough that Peter, who was sitting in Sirius’ right gave. Sirius remembered that they weren’t alone. Sirius flushed even harder, what had he just done? What the hell was that? Remus had gently pulled away from Sirius and he was turning to talk to Lily who was sitting on the other side of James.
Everyone had moved on from that moment, but Sirius was struck with the realization that they had all just witnessed what had gone down. Great, now everyone knew that he was possessive of his relationship with Remus.
He stood up not bothering to say anything, and certainly not bothering to acknowledge the too short glance Remus gave him. Sirius wanted air, he wanted to be away from people. He also didn’t want to think too hard about the tingling in his hand that he felt when he touched Remus.
People often told him he could be very evasive, but that didn’t just mean with others. He could evade his own thoughts too.
***
Standing outside the Great Hall gave Sirius some peace. It was calming to know that all the friends you cared about were still in there together. Safe and sound.
But not just the friends he cared about were in there because he had some family too. Even if Reggie didn’t consider him a brother anymore, maybe never had, Sirius still cared about him. He should, no he needed to talk to Regulus about getting out of that house. The convenient thing was that Sirius had always had ideas for ways to get Regulus out of the House of Black. It was all just such perfect timing that the Potters would have two empty rooms at their house next year since Sirius and James would be moving out. Regulus would be able to have one of those. Yes, yes that was a good idea and Sirius vowed, not just to himself but also to Regulus, that he would do anything to see it come to fruition. Regulus’ stubbornness aside.
Regulus hadn’t given him much room to talk two years ago, but time changed most things, especially the choices you made when you were younger. He could beg Regulus to see that.
The sound of footsteps shook Sirius from his thoughts. They belonged to, surprisingly, Mary.
“Hey, love.” She said, “Got any fags on you?”
“Wrong marauder.” Sirius said, “That’s Remus you’re thinking of.”
“Oh, was that why you were making goo-goo eyes at him back there? Trying to butter him up so he can give you some?” Mary said sweetly.
“Goo-goo eyes?!” Sirius squawked, “What does that- what does that even mean?”
“Well, I know that you know that he fancies blokes too,” She shrugged and Sirius narrowed his eyes, “We had a bit of a chat about that boy, Mich-“
Sirius interrupted, “I don’t need you to remind me of his name. Thanks”
“hmmmmm'' Mary hummed but refrained from further comments. “So what were you doing all summer?”
“Being the only single on in a group of lovesick fools”
“Well I don’t think Remus is in love with…well you know.” She smiled.
“Good” Sirius blurted without thinking. If Mary asked him to elaborate he would have no clue on what to say.
Luckily she didn't ask him to, “So no one for you.”
“No,” He shrugged, “You?”
“Nope.” Mary said, “I suppose I’ll have to find someone here…or just wait until we’re done here.”
“Mary, forgive me if this is overstepping, but what do you even want to see in a partner?”
Mary didn’t get angry at the over personal question she just tilted her head to consider it, “I like to know the person well before we do anything.”
“So, hypothetically, you would end up dating one of your friends.” Sirius remembered when Remus called Mary in front of him. Maybe, there was something there. The feeling that Sirius felt was similar to what he felt whenever someone brought up Remus’ summer fling. That was too uncomfortable to acknowledge. There he was being an evasive bastard, as Remus had once called him, again.
Mary shrugged, “Maybe, but seeing as you, Peter, and Remus are the only standing options, I’m good.”
“Ouch, Mary. You really know how to make a guy feel special.”
She smirked, “Oh fuck off, you know what I mean. I wouldn’t want to because it would ruin our friendship, I don’t want to do that to anyone.”
Sirius supposed she was right. With nothing else to say he started, “Do you want to go back in? Or…?” He trailed off, not particularly wanting to go in himself.
Mary picked up on his hesitation and she reached into her robes to grab a tiny baggie containing two spliffs, “Want to go hide out behind the greenhouses?”
“Mary, I love you. I take back everything I’ve ever said about you that's negative.”
She giggled, “Let's go.” They linked arms and left.
***
Three weeks later and Sirius was practically springing out of the potions classroom, he had to meet James in the prefect's bathroom so they confer before pulling off their first prank of the year. Remus and Peter would begin behind the tapestry outside of the Ravenclaw dorms. Last week, James had, with the help of Remus, figured out a way to put mustaches and goatees on the portraits. The four marauders agreed that they would give it another week before making their comeback. The first prank of the year had to be special, this would mark the start of yet another era for the marauders. The era of their last year at Hogwarts.
Sirius was running and running and running, too distracted to notice that he almost knocked down a few first years. He was eventually stopped, not by any professor, but his roadblock came in the form of Marlene Mckinnon.
“Oi, Black! Slow down!” She shouted when he almost knocked all her books out of her hands.
Stopping to settle her, Sirius said, “Sorry, Marls.” He said, and was off again.
“Wait up!” Marlene followed him, which didn’t bother Sirius because she could definitely keep up. “I’m guessing this has to do with something that also involves James and Peter and Remus.” She said. Sirius assumed that if they weren’t moving at such a quick pace her hands would be on her hips.
“You didn’t hear it from me but you are correct.” Sirius said.
“Great, looking forward to whatever you four cook up.” Marlene laughed. “Should I be warned about anything? Like do I need to bring an umbrella to the great hall, or should I transfigure my books into pool floaties?”
Sirius cackled and looked at her, “No, nothing like that. But thanks for the ideas. Maybe next we’ll flood the dungeons.”
Marlene stopped and Sirius was about to just leave her behind when he saw why she had done so. Dorcus was leaning against one of the tapestries talking to Pandora about something and she was doing so quite animatedly. She looked in a much better mood than when Sirius had last seen her, walking away from Marlene on the train. Sirius slowed his pace and looked back at Marlene just in time to see her steal her jaw, straighten up, and march over to the two of them.
Sirius had places to be, he needed to meet James and they needed to get the show on the road but, contrary to that, Sirius loved to know other people’s business. In addition to that, he was quite invested in whatever was happening with Marlene and Dorcus. Two parts of Sirius were at war. And the one that was usually in other people’s business won.
Sirius stopped, close enough not to be overtly noticed but not too far away that he couldn’t gather the overall gist of what was being said.
“Oh, Marlene.” Dorcus said when she turned as Marlene tapped her on the shoulder. Pandora slinked away without saying a word, Sirius mentally commended her for avoiding the awkward encounter that was about to happen. Dorcus sounded neither happy nor shocked nor angry to see Marlene coming to talk to her. Her voice was entirely neutral.
Marlene would not be dissuaded, “I wanted to ask you something.” She said cutting right to the chase.
“Well, go on, McKinnon.” Docus put a hand on her hip, “I’ve got transfiguration with McGonagall and she won’t take too kindly to me telling her that I’m late because her star beater wanted to talk to me.”
Ouch, Sirius thought. Apparently when Dorcus was angry with someone she made it very clear.
“Well considering that I’m her star beater, she probably won’t mind at all.” Marlene said with a smirk playing on her lips. Sirius could laugh at that, Minnie would mind, she definitely would.
Dorcus looked a bit stunned that Marlene had a comeback all ready and planned, so she paused before she said, “What was it you wanted, Marlene?” A little of the fight had gone out of her.
Marlene deflated a bit too, “Gryfindor’s throwing a party this Saturday. I wanted to see if you would come.”
Dorcus got a bit wide eyed, clearly she hadn’t been expecting this. “I…” She paused.
Marlene swooped her head down and took a step closer to Dorcus. One of Dorcus’ hands found Marlene's, creating a sense that the two were in their own little bubble. Sirius, the other students, and the entirety of Hogwarts didn’t exist to them.
Sirius took a step back, realizing that this was a very intimate moment that he was intruding on. He had places to be, so he left without hearing whatever else was said between the two of them and ran off to meet James.
***
The prank had gone off without a hitch, which was great considering that during the year prior Sirius had had to turn into Padfoot to chase Mrs. Norris away from the three remaining marauders who were changing all the names on the Slytherin awards.
Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus were using the party that was currently happening in the Gryffindor common room to celebrate their momentous return to pranking the school.
The common room was packed with people from all houses and the marauders were spread all around. Sirius, who had maybe one too many drinks, took the chance to look around now. James was sitting in one of the chairs by the fire with Lily sitting in his lap. The two of them were talking to a couple of Ravenclaws. Peter was currently mixing drinks for a few of his friends from other houses while talking them up. Remus was nowhere to be found but that didn’t matter because Dorcus had just walked into the room and Sirius saw Marlene break away from Emmeline and Mary to walk over to her.
The room was raucous and full of noise, so Sirius had no chance of hearing what was being said between the two. That didn’t matter though, because Marlene pulled Dorcus by the hand into the group of people dancing. Someone had enchanted a record player to be louder than it normally was and someone, if Sirius had to guess he would say Remus, had put on a Queen track.
Sirius was sitting alone on one of the couches trying to decide whether to get another drink or not. Mary seemed to decide for him because she walked over with two shots of fire whisky in her hands, she flopped down next to him and handed him one. Without speaking the two cheered to each other and threw back the shots, then sat in silence for a second but something nagged at Sirius.
“Have you seen Remus around?” Sirius slurred.
Mary pointed across the room to where Remus was leaning in to whisper something into Emmeline’s ear. It could have been the alcohol but at first Sirius felt a strong urge to punch something, maybe a pillow next to him. He felt like something was being ripped away from him because the two looked like they were seconds away from snogging.
Next came paranoia. Sirius began wonder if Remus was still mad at him for what happened at the end of the summer. Was this a way to get back at him? Emmeline and Sirius had had a very short relationship and whatever she decided to do was her choice, but what exactly was Remus playing at?
Sirius’ gaze intensified and he felt his eyes narrow without him even noticing. Remus must have felt the heat of his gaze because he looked over to where Mary and Sirius were sitting and locked eyes with Sirius.
Sirius had the strong urge to vomit and got up quickly, not bothering to say anything to Mary, before he trudged up the stairs to the boys’ dorm. The last song he heard before he got up to the room was Somebody to Love, before he closed the door to the room.
When he realized that he was entirely alone the nausea seemed to fade but that didn’t help him feel that much better. He started pacing without realizing it. Buggering Christ, he was never drinking again.
What the fuck was that? Why was Remus flirting with his ex and why was everyone treating Remus leaning into Emmaline like he was about to shag her right there in the middle of the common room like a normal occurrence? Especially when they had all been so awkward about him touching Remus’ face. Remus’ stupid, perfect face. Fuck. He needed to lay down before he fell down from confusion.
Sirius slinked over to his bed, only nearly tripping twice, and stretched out on the mattress. He wished James was here to calm him down and talk to him. Better yet, he wished that Remus was here to talk to him, just like how he had weeks ago before Sirius freaked out on him.
Sirius’ thinking was interrupted by the door to the room banging open. Whoever had opened the door clearly hadn’t meant to use that much force but was probably drunk out of their mind just like Sirius.
He popped his head out of the curtains surrounding his bed, the person who had opened the door turned out to be Remus. Surprising Sirius to the point where he didn’t believe that it was really him at first, Sirius had just been thinking about Remus coming to him. This manifestation of Remus creeped Sirius out, he had just been thinking that he wanted Remus to be here with him. Sirius reached out to a stumbling Remus, as if testing if he was really there.
Remus eventually made his way to the side of Sirius’ bed and just stood there. Sirius’ hand was still reaching out and he stretched it out a bit more until it touched Remus’ chest.
So he was really there. Sirius’ hang lingered, barely brushing Remus’ chest. He dragged his fingertips down Remus’ chest until he landed on the waist of Remus’ jeans. He lingered there too. Sirius could feel Remus looking down at him but couldn’t bring his eyes to meet Remus’ just yet.
“Feeling alright?” Remus softly asked.
Sirius’ gaze flickered up a bit, just to Remus’ neck. The marks that had been there, what felt like not too long ago, were gone. Time would take most anything, good or bad.
His gaze crawled up from Remus’ neck to Remus' lips. They looked so soft and lovely. Merlin, he really needed to get a grip of himself.
“Peachy.” Sirius muttered, then withdrew his hand and rolled onto his back.
“For a moment back there it looked like you were about to be extremely sick.” Remus continued.
“Well,” Sirius could have gone on, he could have said how he thought Remus might still be mad at him, how he was having new confusing feelings ever since the end of the summer and all of it was overwhelming and sickening. Instead he decided not to continue. How could he say anything when Remus was looking at him with such care.
“If everythings fine with you, then, I’ll just go back down.” Remus turned to go but Sirius, clearly lost in some kind of haze from the alcohol, stopped him.
Remus looked down at where Sirius’ hand was holding his elbow then looked further down at Sirius face, specifically Sirius’ lips.
The temperature within the dorm room had gone up several degrees, but maybe that was just Sirius. He felt giddy like he could laugh til he couldn’t anymore or dance around the room to his favorite ABBA song. This newfound excitement must have been what prompted him to say what he did next. “Come lie down with me.”
Remus’ eyes widened but his shock was quickly covered as he looked at the closed door and then back down at the spot on the bed that Sirius was hastening to make.
Remus stretched out next to Sirius, causing the two to be shoulder to shoulder on the bed that wasn’t meant to fit two full grown boys. Sirius’ left shoulder was touching the edge of the bed and he guessed Remus wasn’t doing much better.
Not knowing where he was going with his motions, Sirius rolled onto his side. He flipped his right arm over Remus' chest and shimmied the two of them to the center of the bed. Remus easily relaxed into this new position and one of his arms wrapped around Sirius, driving his hand into Sirius’ hair.
Remus’ fingers carded through Sirius’ hair and Sirius felt like he might just fall asleep right then and there.
“Such lovely hair.” Remus whispered so quietly as if he didn’t mean for Sirius to hear, but Sirius let out a small hum of affirmation to show to Remus that he had indeed heard. The two fell into a comfortable silence, tired from the ongoing night of activity. Sirius was on the verge of sleep but couldn’t quite get there because something was nagging at him.
“Moony?” Sirius mumbled against Remus’ chest.
Remus gave a soft noise of acknowledgement meant, “Yes?” He said and Sirius could feel that in his own chest.
“Are you mad at me?” He asked.
Remsu chuckled, causing Sirius to huddle closer to him. “Why would you ask that?”
Sirius had some sort of awareness that if he were not pissed and tired and distracted by the heat that he was feeling and the smell coming from Remus that was as familiar and comforting to him as breathing, he would not be saying any of this at all. “You’ve been…distant.”
Remus had stopped laughing and his fingers paused in Sirius's hair. “That’s just me.” he said and it didn’t make much sense to Sirius at all. He couldn’t comprehend that Remus’ behavior had to do with anything other than Sirius. “It's not on you.”
Sirius moved his face into Remus’ neck, “But I miss you.” He whispered.
“Sirius…” Remus said, “I just needed some space for a minute.”
Sirius sat up to look into Remus’ eyes, “But it's better now right? We’re…we can be normal again.”
Remus took a breath. “Yes, we can. We are.”
Sirius let out a breath of relief and leaned down to kiss Remus on the cheek. When he lifted his lips from the side of Remus’ face, he glanced at Remus’ lips, considering just for a second…woah, he had definitely lost most of his inhibitions.
“Thank fuck.” Sirius said, moving his head back down to Remus’ neck.
“Go to sleep, Sirius.” Remus' hands started to move in Sirius’ hair again. Knowing that things were back to some semblance of what they had been before and also not caring about what his drunken behavior insinuated, Sirius let himself drift off into sleep. Comforted by the presence of Remus right there with him.