One step forward, Three steps back?
POV: Buck
It was unhealthy Buck knew that. He honestly couldn't even explain how he had made it back to the loft in the first place. The rumble of his engine came to a calm silence as he turned and pulled the keys out of his ignition. The days that his and Eddie's hand would be joined again may never come. The thought crossed Buck's mind like a dark cloud. Blood runs thicker than water, sure, but just because Buck wasn't directly blood related to Christopher that makes him less of a parent? How the hell could Eddie even convince himself of that. For Christ sake, Buck would legally be Christopher's guardian if anything were to happen to Edmundo. This was making Evan's head hurt. When Buck's eyes finally met something other than the floor beneath his feet he had already reached the door to his apartment. The cold metal against his skin reminded Buck that this wasn't some fucked up dream. Although he wished it was.
Buck just swallowed his pride, pain, and thoughts as he entered his loft. The door shut behind him, more like slammed but Buck didn't care anymore. Buck was a man without a family to go home to, he was a man that didn't deserve love and empathy. Buck was no more than, Buck. An inanimate object used until no longer needed. To most, Buck was a strong individual who never stopped protecting those he loved. To Buck, Buck was nothing more than a shell of a man who once existed. He was unable to save his family when they needed him most, now haunted by the memories of burning flesh and gutteral screams. Buck was someone who continued disappointing people, clinging to people who never truly wanted him. Crushed like a bug on the ground beneath the feet of everyone he'd ever loved. Let down and hanging around to see if they'd return. Don't get sentimental now Buck, you don't deserve that.
Buck had made it to his couch, that was as far as his feet would take him. He stared at the ceiling above him and just waited. Waited for the world to stop spinning, for this motion sickness to stop and his stomach to settle. None of these things happened, because nothing Buck wanted ever happened. Buck was let down, again, and again, like a scratched record playing the same lyrics over and over until the person listening got tired. His listener got tired, Eddie was done with him. Buck knew that, he knew when Eddie had chosen Texas, knew when Eddie didn't fight him about helping, Buck's known for a while.
Hysterical and Useless. The best two words to describe Buck. The man slung over his couch tears streaming down his face with not a sound coming out of his mouth. Buck just stared, at the loft, the couch, the TV, the ceiling. Anything. I guess Buck connects to his hatred for life right now. That's all Buck felt. Angry, loathing, pathetic. All negative things sure but God damn it. This was Buck's turn to be angry. Buck's turn to be cruel and haste. Buck never got this fucking opportunity to be angry. Buck needed to be real with himself for a moment and just control his own emotions. He needed to feel all the emotions he's never been allowed to. Objects could be replaced, people could come and go. Buck didn't care.
Well, he didn't care for the most part. Until he found himself standing in the middle of his bathroom staring into a mirror that couldn't stare back. The shattered pieces of the glass scattered across the sink, dripping onto the floor when other pieces collided with them. The mirror was nothing more than a few slivers of glass and the cardboard backing. The frame was busted on the right bottom corner and blood dropped down from it. Buck sighed to himself. This was what it felt like to just be angry huh? It felt joyous for the time being, then the guilt and emptiness flooded back in. That explains why Eddie would go to those fights, why he did it multiple times. Buck could get used to this feeling. Addicted, even. Alas Buck wouldn't, he knew it wasn't healthy. Buck knew it would destroy him in small ways until he was no longer himself. Buck couldn't handle being someone else again. He didn't even want to imagine being anyone other than Buck. Maybe Bullet, but even that was a risk.
The clean up was nothing more than a chore to Buck. He slowly, but carefully cleaned the bathroom of his crash out. The piece crackled and clanked together in the dust pan. His hand burned as he wrapped it loosely in bandages. Buck knew infection was possible but who was he to care? It's not like anyone would notice. When the last leaf has fallen out of the tree and the rivers are poisoned with anger there's not enough room for Buck. His thoughts ran wild with memories and conversations to keep him grounded. The living room had been slightly messy so he cleaned it, the counters craved some well deserved love and dusting, so he did just that. Buck's entire apartment was sparkling before he finally lay on his bed and fell asleep. The sounds of his playlist in the background drowned out every last noise from the outside world.
POV: Eddie
Eddie: "I don't think He'd run off anywhere kid."
Eddie couldn't help but laugh at the statement, sure it was too soon and still a very open wound for Eddie. But Christopher was home. Christopher was home and hopefully not leaving anytime soon. Eddie could laugh about it at some point, maybe. The thought stayed with him for a moment though. His brilliant kid laid everything out for him in such a way that it made it seem like Eddie was simply, blind. Christopher had left the kitchen to his own room by this point, he knew his father needed a moment and In all honesty, Christopher prayed his father would make the right decision.
So Eddie sat with his thoughts. Standing in the kitchen began to make his knees ache after a while, but sitting on his couch without Buck by his side felt, wrong. Every corner of this house was painted in Buck's scent, his color, his mind. Everything in this house was Buck's, as much as it was Eddie's. Eddie bought the house, but Christopher and Buck made it home. Any house could be home with Buck and Christopher. That was life. They were his life. Eddie was an idiot for not seeing it before. All of his lines rehearsed, one of them always running out. First with Christopher leaving because Eddie made the worst decision possible. Now Buck was going to leave because Eddie did what he always does. Eddie dug deep, he got hurt, and he drug into Buck until Buck couldn't take it anymore. Eddie was a bad dog, he tore chunks out of people for no reason. For reasons he couldn't explain, even to himself. He said, she said, he did, she did, everything was back and forth with Eddie. All he wanted now was to apologize, the words "I love you" in replace of all the things he said. Every word he most regretted.
Eddie slowly moved to the couch, placing his hand over Buck's spot. His fingers catching on ever groove of the fabric under them. Eddie could imagine Buck sitting there with a beer in hand and smiling at him as if nothing was wrong. How could Eddie decide the perfect apology when Buck was clouding up his mind. Eddie could never win this losing fight with life. Eddie always took sides, he never chose anything for himself. Buck would be the first good thing Eddie took for himself. Buck would be that happiness that Eddie denied himself of. This was never about juice, or sweets. It was about Buck. It was always going to be about Buck. The truth had been hiding behind his eyes and hanging on Buck's tounge the whole time. Eddie had to figure this one out on his own. He had to apologize. But first, Eddie had to let Buck be. Eddie had to pull away for tonight and give Buck time. They were both off the next day as Buck was going to see Eddie off and took the next week off to settle with the thought. Eddie would go over to Bucks the next morning and apologize. Buck didn't need to make a decision tonight, Buck needed space. This had to be the first correct move that Eddie's made. Eddie needed to think about Buck's feelings right now. So he did, even though Eddie craved to rush over to Buck's loft and shower him in apologies and love, Eddie could wait. Eddie would wait for a life time, as long as it was for Buck.