The secrets I hide.

POV: Buck

How did we get here. When did we click, when did we pass this line. Are you going to throw a party with everyone we know? Will things change. Are you going to leave me, should I accept this. My head hurts, my stomach churns. I'm trying my best here, to keep you satisfied. How much more will I be able to take. You need to leave faster and break my heart quicker. I can't keep putting on this show for you. It pains me every moment I spend pretending. Please, if you love me. Leave quicker and never return like everyone else.

Well, that's what I would say if only I could. Hi. My name is Evan D. Buckley. You may be wondering how I got myself in this situation. That's a wonderful question! I honestly don't know. But for anyone out there who's listening, never pretend you're okay with something. It only hurts you in the end. 

It's been two weeks since he told me he was leaving. 2 weeks since the mention of El Paso. 2 weeks since we started packing up his house and getting ready to pack up a U-Haul. 2 agonizingly long weeks. You'd think I'd be happy for him, thrilled that he is finally going back to his son. I'm not. But not for the reasons you think. I'm not in love with him or anything, if that's what you were suggesting. Obviously I can't love him! He was married to a woman, constantly reminding everyone that he's straight not that he needs to I'm pretty sure we all know it by now. Even though every time he mentions that he's straight it's like a knife is twisting and turning in my heart. This is completely irrelevant. No, the real reason I'm upset is because just a week before Eddie decided to uproot his life and move back to El Paso for his son, Christopher called me. 

3 weeks Prior - 

Bobby: "Buck! Are you helping me with lunch today? I figured since the day has been relatively slow we can start now." 

Buck had been sitting on the couch smiling and trying his best to get first place in their four player Mario kart. Of course he sighed slightly but set his controller down and tapped out. He smiled as he made his way across the loft of the firehouse to Captain Bobby Nash. 

Buck: "Course Cap! What are we making this time? I think we have the ingredients for fajitas?" 

Bobby: "We seriously need to stop by the store and restock, but Fajitas sound good to me. I'll chop, you get the pan ready?" 

Buck: "Sure thing!" 

Half-way through cooking a phone rang. This was common in the firehouse, Buck had assumed it wasn't his phone and continued to hum along to some song that's been stuck in his head all morning. He knew the rest of his crew here at the 118 were definitely annoyed with the song by now but Buck couldn't help it. The trill of the phone continued, gradually getting louder the longer it rang. If the person didn't want to answer they might as well hang up instead of letting it ring. Buck had been on the holding end of so many conversations waiting for someone to pick up the phone.. He hadn't even noticed Eddie made his way across the loft with a buzzing phone until there was a tap on his shoulder. No wonder the ringing became more and more insufferable. The phone was headed towards, him. Buck turned at the tap to a very disgruntled face, usually he could read Eddie like a book. His favorite book. But this time around he couldn't, Eddie was stone cold and Buck had never seen him this way before. Buck snapped himself out of his trance and handed Bobby the spoon he was using to stir the vegetables in the fajita mix. 

Buck: "Hm? "

Was all buck could muster before he was crossing paths with the phone to his ear and making his way down the loft. He felt terrible somewhere deep in his chest that he had received this call and not Eddie. Buck picked up anyway.

Christopher: "Buck.."

Buck would never get used to this sound, the soft sobs in the background immediately worried Buck. A shiver sent down his spine. His posture fixed itself as he shook out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

Buck: "Christopher, what's the matter? Are you alright?" 

He needed to ask more questions, need to know everything but Buck stopped himself. Christopher could only answer so much and well.. buck wasn't his father or anything.

Christopher: "Buck... I want to come home. To L.A. I hate it here. I hate El Paso. I hate these walls. I can't do it. But, but I'm not ready to face him. I love him so much and it hurts Everytime I see him and remember all that pain. All the pain from.. from losing her and then seeing her all over again, and losing her.. again."

Buck hadn't realized he was crying, didn't even know what part made him cry. Every emotion ran through his veins like ice. Buck needed to do something he wasn't proud he could do. Taking a breath and stilling his face he became an unreadable wall of nothing. He needed to be nothing so Christopher could be everything in this moment.

Buck: "Okay, okay Chris. Calm down. Take a breath, it's going to be okay, everything will be okay but you need to calm down for me bud."

His voice was soft, enduring. Gentle, kind and somewhat comfortable. 

Christopher: "I'm calm.. I'm calm I just. I can't do it anymore buck. I miss Denny, and Harry. And and everyone. I want to come home. To you, to Dad. But I "

Buck had cut him off and just took a breath

Buck: "Christopher none of that can happen if you don't speak with Eddie. I know it's scary I know it's going to be hard but you can't keep avoiding him. This is fixable, as long as you allow it to be. There's nothing you have to do unless you want to. But without speaking to him you can't move forward. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the only advice I can give in this situation.. are you okay? "

Christopher: "Yeah... Yeah um. I'm I'm okay. I just. . I don't know Buck. They treat me like I'm incapable of doing anything. I didn't even want to join chess club, it's the only thing they let me do because i can sit down and do it. I wanted to be in robotics but Grandpa says its stupid and wont get me far in life. I know he's wrong but it just sucks." 

Buck couldn't get past the sniffling. He wanted to wrap his arms around Christopher and run away, never returning to El Paso. Forever becoming someone Helena and Ramon hate. He couldn't do this. But Christopher wasn't his son. So that wasn't his decision to make. Buck went to speak before Christopher continued.

Christopher: " I wanted him to fight for me. But he let me go. He let me leave and hasnt come to get me. I know he loves me but . . Does he.? "

Buck: "Of course he does. Oh Christopher, he loves you so much. He just doesn't want to over step, which is stupid because -"

Christopher: "Because he's my father and there is no over stepping."

Buck laughed at Christophers snarky teenage response. Of course Christopher knew what he was thinking, he was always such a bright kid. Eddie's smart and amazing kid. 

Buck: "Yeah I guess you can say that-" 

Before he could ask anymore questions the times went off. Christopher has already said goodbye with a soft "I love you, buck." That made his heart shatter. Buck's stone cold face and stiff body worried his co-workers for a little during the drive to the emergency. Eddie had sat on the opposite side of the engine. Farthest away from Buck, buck hadn't even noticed. Buck was in some kind of mode they didn't understand or have yet to know. 

After returning to the firehouse, they had saved this fat cat from a tree. Chim couldn't help but comment on how the cat even got up there or how the branch supported the poor thing and everyone but Eddie and Buck giggled at the thought. Buck had returned to finishing dinner and getting the table set. Buck was silent all through lunch and silent as he cleaned the dishes. He didn't hum or even turn on his music. He had, glanced at his phone his eyes glossing over just enough to make him stiffen up. He continued to clean. He did chores. He sat on the couch to read some Wikipedia rabbit hole he fell into. Finally someone said something that snapped buck back into, well.. Buck. 

Hen: "You two okay? Did you finally get together or something. You aren't talkin to each other."

Chim let out a giggle as hen pointed to Eddie and Buck. Who were somehow on opposite sides of the room. Buck hadn't even noticed. Wait did she say together? 

Buck: "What."

Buck could hear the sarcasm and dead monotoned response as it left his lips. Why did he sound like that? 

Hen: "Um.. You, and Eddie. Your both acting like someone died or something.."

Eddie: "I'm fine. And no we aren't together, I'm straight Hen."

Buck could hear Eddie's limbs folding over his chest and he could just imagine the eye roll Eddie gave her. Buck nodded and never looked up from his phone. His face was blank. 

Hen: "You okay buck?"

Buck nodded, he had looked up to see everyone looking at him. Brown met Blue. The sand met water. The soil met a flower petal. Eddie looked, curious worried. Maybe even alive in that moment. Buck frozen, cold as ice. He knew his glare before he even realized he was glaring. Buck just, nodded. Before he could say anything his body relaxed he sighed slightly and let a smile crowd his face. 

Buck: "I'm great Hen, hey have you ever thought about all of gods creatures? I mean it's a crazy thought but hear me out. If God created heaven and hell for all of its creatures what gets a rabbit sent to hell? Can animals be sent to hell? Do they live by the same standards as us? Because if they do then all animals would go to hell for so many different sins. Like adultery or murder considering they kill to eat. Or was hell created as a barrier between all of life and humans? Is hell really that bad if all of gods creatures are destined to go there by God. Forever doomed to suffer because of the way he made them ?"

The room fell silent. That happened a lot after a statement from one of Buck's rabbit holes. Buck wasn't even actually reading about religion. He was reading about Hyenas because Christopher has expressed a liking to them at one point. This was just a thought he had once. A never ending loop of questions that couldn't be answered. Eddie was the first to speak. 

Eddie: "is that why you've had that expression all day. You were thinking about rabbits committing adultery.?"

The room burst out in laughter. Buck included. He knew it sounded crazy now that Eddie put it that way. Of course that was not the explanation to bucks weird attitude but he was fine with it being the reason. 

Buck: "Well when you put it like that-" 

Before anything else could be said, the tones rang. Off they were to god knows where for God knows what. Happy and less strained this time. Today was a good day, Buck thought.