Dealing with the unexpected
The first two weeks after Severus learned about the baby seemed to drag on forever. Being pregnant had restricted so many of his usual activities that he was spending most of his time choosing to be alone in his rooms doing nothing at all, which was bad enough, but he did not even have the usual excuse of being ill for doing so. Severus had expected to feel much worse than he did, he had been under the impression that being pregnant went hand in hand with nausea and vomiting. However, while there were some smells he could not tolerate and the only foods he could eat were rather bland, he did not feel sick in a traditional sense.
He did however have stomach cramps that were not morning sickness, his back hurt probably from sitting around all day doing nothing and he had an almost constant headache. His mood swings were ridiculous even to his own rational mind.
He couldn’t sleep, he struggled to eat and he was extremely irritable. He had always tended towards being a little waspish but now he was truly bad-tempered. It did not help that he was bored and lonely, yet he had no desire to do anything or see anyone.
He had spent the first few days obsessing over how he could be pregnant. He knew he had taken his potion before his heat had started. He also knew that the potion he had been testing on himself could have interfered with the contraceptive potion. It was only a very small chance but it was still a possibility. That was why Harry had agreed to cast the contraceptive charm as well. Had Harry forgotten? Severus would never know if he did or not, he was not lucid enough during his heats to know anything much. Surely Harry would not have forgotten?
Accidents did happen though, Severus knew that Harry took his responsibility of caring for him during his heat very seriously but it was just as exhausting for the alpha as it was for Severus, Harry could have made a mistake. In the end, it did not really matter it had happened and he was pregnant and he would have to deal with it.
Severus was feeling like a caged tiger. He wanted to brew but that was out of the question, Harry was busy, and could not be expected to entertain him endlessly, Minerva would welcome him but she would also ask questions he did not want to answer. Maybe Draco would have time for him, come to think of it he had not actually told Draco about the baby, he should do that before the alpha heard about it from someone else. Heaving himself out of his chair he made himself presentable with a wave of his hand and headed out to the potions classroom in search of his godson.
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Draco was setting up his classroom. He had officially completed his Mastery and he was the Hogwarts Potions Professor in his own right. He had enjoyed working with Severus over the past three years. He even found having Potter and Longbottom as colleagues less irritating than he had expected.
He would be sad to see Severus go, but he knew it was time for him to move on and do something he actually wanted to do with his life. Draco had had his concerns when Harry Potter decided to pursue his godfather four years ago. Severus had been a father figure to Draco, and even though, as an omega, he would never have been considered an acceptable guardian for a young Draco, that would have fallen to the alpha godparent, Severus had fulfilled his role of godfather faithfully. In return, Draco had stepped into the role of alpha for Severus during Harry’s courtship, as he had no alpha father to stand for him. He had seen Severus through the courtship right up to the mating and could not deny now that Potter was a good alpha and that he took good care of his godfather. Harry would see to it that Severus got whatever he wanted from this next stage of life.
Draco’s life was also looking quite good. He had a job he enjoyed, which provided him with the opportunity to further his own research interests and then there was Hermione. When he had been at school, if someone had suggested he would ever want to marry know-it-all Granger he would have hexed them. Now, however, he had discussed precisely that with his mother and he had a set of bonding rings hidden in his desk drawer. They were not Malfoy family rings. Although Draco was intent on rebuilding his family name, he was starting from scratch. Therefore, when he was in need of the rings he had gone to see the Goblins and he had commissioned brand new rings created from goblin-forged silver set with sapphires. Potter had suggested the stone saying it was Hermione's favourite. Draco was just waiting for the right time to ask her.
Draco looked up at a noise in the doorway of his classroom and noticed Severus hovering as if he was undecided about entering. “Uncle Sev? Is everything alright?” he asked with a frown. It was not like Severus loiter in hallways
“Draco, I am sorry to bother you,” the omega said with uncertainty.
“Not at all, come and see what I've done, but I warn you I am not putting it back,” he teased.
Severus smiled at that he was very proud of his godson. He was making his own way in life and he was doing himself and his mother proud. He would save the Malfoy name, not that Lucius deserved it. Severus knew Harry had offered Draco the Black Lordship and name with it but Draco had refused. His name was Malfoy and he was going to make that a name to be proud of again.
“So what brings you here?” Draco inquired.
“I wanted to see how you were settling in,” Severus took in the changes to the room. Draco had set the desks in a U shape with the teacher's desk in the middle so students could all have an unobscured view while he was doing during a demonstration. He had set up a reference library on a large bookshelf located behind the teacher’s desk.
“This is very nice, it's a good idea,” Severus said approvingly.
“Thank you, but I am sure you didn’t come he to admire my classroom, what can I do for you Uncle Sev,” Draco replied as he continued to unpack books and place them on the shelves. His godfather looked nervous and usually did better when he was unobserved so Draco turned his back.
“No, I um I wanted you to hear from me,” Severus said looking at the floor “I…I am pregnant,” he stammered.
Draco dropped the book he had been holding and turned to look at his godfather.
“Ok, and how do you feel about that?” Draco asked carefully. While regarding the man closely. He was not holding himself up straight like he usually did, his shoulders were hunched and he seemed smaller somehow.
It's…unexpected but probably a good thing, I am not getting any younger and I did agree to give birth to one child,” He told his godson, hoping he sounded nonchalant.
“You're not old for a wizard Severus, you could still wait twenty years if you wanted to,” Draco returned with a slight frown.
“Hmmm well the choice is no longer mine, it appears,” the omega replied.
“The choice is always yours Severus. I would help you if you wanted to find a clinic. We could go abroad to France,” the alpha stated carefully.
The omega shook his head. “No, no I couldn’t do that to Harry. No, it's best this way,” Severus declared.
“How do you figure that?” Draco asked.
“Well I have completed my anti-depressant potion and I intended to begin the process of altering it for pregnant people. That will require plenty of research. I will have a lot of work to do putting together my book. It will be fine, everything else can wait until after.” Severus told the alpha.
“You won't be able to brew,” Draco stated matter of factly.
“I know,” Severus said, still not meeting his eye. “But that would be true no matter when this happened, and realistically it would be more of an issue if it happened once I had my apothecary up and running,” he said firmly.
“It will delay your plans,” Draco pressed further.
“It will, but it will also get it out of the way. Once I have a child I have met my contractual obligations and I can focus on other things,” Severus said sounding a little defensive Draco thought.
“Like raising a child for seventeen years?” Draco asked arching his eyebrow questioningly.
“The contract stipulated I would require help with the children, so I could pursue my career,” Severus reminded him.
“It did,” Draco conceded. “Are you really sure about this Severus?”
“Which part?” the omega asked raising his eyes for the first time.
“All of it, any of it?” Draco asked. He was watching Severus carefully. The man had been a very successful spy for twenty years, he did not have many tells but Draco had picked up on a few over the past two years.
“No Draco, I am not. Not at all. However, while this might be sooner than planned, I did promise I would do this and it seems I am doing it now,” he replied with resignation in his tone.
Draco nodded and scratched his chin “have you spoken to Penny?” he asked.
“No, but I will,” Severus replied.
“Good, that's a good idea. You know mum will help you out with anything you need,” Draco told him.
“I do, thank you Draco,” he replied lowering his head.
“Hummmm so should I say congratulations?” Draco asked neutrally.
“I believe that's usual yes,” his godfather replied in the same neutral tone, he was giving nothing away and Draco was concerned.
“Are you happy?” he asked after a short pause.
“Yes, I think so,” Severus replied thoughtfully.
“Alright then, congratulations Uncle Sev. Don’t forget though, we are family. Mated or not mum and I are still your family. We are here for you whatever you need,” he told the omega firmly.
Severus inclined his head in thanks and left the room. Draco watched him go a thoughtful expression on his face.
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Pregnancy, Severus was beginning to realise meant people suddenly felt it was their right or perhaps their responsibility to give him endless unsolicited advice.
Severus had never been particularly good at taking advice from anyone. As a result, he snapped at Harry, Minerva, the house elves and anyone else who tried to offer help or suggestions. He even, eventually, snapped at Poppy over the potions he was supposed to take. He was not allowed to brew them himself and he refused to take potions from St Mungos so Draco had stepped in and was brewing them for him.
On some level, he knew he was being irrational but he couldn't help it. He hated being reliant on others for anything but most especially for potions. The fact he was feeling well only made the restrictions on his life and his brewing worse. He could brew some ‘safe’ potions like dreamless sleep and pepper up but nothing challenging. Nothing he could lose himself in for a while and that included his own newest potion, the lacewing flies combined with the wormwood infusion gave off a gas which was considered a risk until the colour change was effected. It seemed that everything he might have enjoyed was a risk to the baby; he couldn’t even have a drink or a smoke his entire life had been hijacked by a bundle of cells in his womb.
The walls of his dungeon room felt like they were closing in on him, he needed to get away but he was not allowed to use a portkey, the floo made him feel quite ill and apparating would require him to walk beyond the wards of the school. He did not want to leave his room in case someone saw him and wanted to talk about the baby or how he was feeling. He was sick to death of being asked how he was feeling, to the point he might start hexing people. He put the book he had been trying to read on the sofa and stood up to stretch his back. He had an appointment with Penny later perhaps she could help. He doubted it but he supposed if anyone could it would be Penny, she had helped him before after all.
To make matters worse Harry had cancelled their trip to Italy, he thought he was keeping Severus safe by staying at Hogwarts and the omega understood. That was why he had stupidly agreed to stay in the Castle like a good obedient omega. Now he wished he pushed harder against Harry’s decision.
He had an appointment with Penny, his mind healer, that afternoon and he had not slept at all the night before, being in bed with Harry did not bring him the comfort he needed and Severus was not sure why. He decided he really needed to get some rest, so he went into his private study and sealed the door. He would hear the floo chime when Penny arrived and he just needed to lie down for a short while. He knew Harry would fuss if he came in and found him lying down. Harry fussed about everything now. He was always telling Severus what he should and should not do, they had fought more in the past two weeks than they ever had before. Even when they hated each other, Severus thought they were less likely to yell at each other. Severus bit his tongue often and consoled himself with the knowledge that he knew of several ways to kill someone and dispose of a body without a trace. He lay down on the sofa in his study and closed his eyes just for a moment.
He woke up to frantic yelling coming from the sitting room. He took a moment to regain his wits enough to realise that Harry was calling for him. He had never given Harry access to this room, he had not deliberately kept it from him. Well maybe he had, but he needed a space of his own and Harry had not pressed.
He rolled off the sofa feeling stiff and sore, it was not the most comfortable place to sleep but he had managed to get more sleep on it than in his own bed the night before.
He picked up his wand removed the wards on his door and wrenched it open and glared at his alpha. “What the devil are you yelling about?” he snapped.
“Severus,” Harry said relief clear in his voice. I came down at lunchtime and couldn’t find you. I just came back for our appointment with Penny and you still weren’t here,”
“Of course, I was here. Where else would I be,” grumbled the Omega.
Harry frowned at that but before he could answer the floo alarm went off and Penny arrived.
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Harry was concerned about Severus and he knew Poppy and Draco were too. He just did not know what to do to help, everything he suggested Severus refused. He had never been the most agreeable man Harry acknowledged but he was not usually so unpleasant about everything. He felt like he had been walking on eggshells around his husband ever since the night they found out he was pregnant.
Harry knew Severus was unhappy in the castle but he needed time to prepare for his first year of teaching on his own. Lucinda had stayed for a few weeks after Severus’ heat to set him on the right path, she had left the week before they found out about the baby.
Harry had planned to take Severus to Italy for a few weeks he knew how much the omega loved that house, and he had even thought Severus might want to stay on alone for a week or two when school started before coming back to the cottage in Hogsmeade. That changed when he learned about the baby, Harry wanted Severus to be safe and in Harry’s mind, there was nowhere safer than Hogwarts. Severus had agreed when he had first suggested staying at Hogwarts but now he thought maybe the omega had only agreed for Harry’s sake. The start of the school year was less than a week away, but Harry was reluctant even to let Severus go to their cottage alone, though he knew the man was going crazy in his room. Harry did not understand why Severus didn’t leave the room, and go for a walk or visit Minerva. He didn’t want to do anything at all and Harry was worried.
Harry sat quietly while Severus told Penny he was absolutely fine and had no concerns whatsoever about the pregnancy. He told her he was eating enough, even though he did not always feel like eating and sleeping was difficult too. However he was taking the correct potions and that he had no sign of morning sickness, though he put that down to the fact he only ate the blandest of foods. He acknowledged that not being able to brew was difficult but he claimed to be keeping himself entertained by reading and researching ways to alter his potion to make it safe for pregnant people.
Harry knew the man was lying and he itched to tell Penny so, but he did not want to make Severus angry with him. They argued more often than not these days he did not want to start yet another fight. Penny however saw his expression and understood but she caught his eye and gave him a slight shake of her head. Harry realised she was warning him not to contradict the omega so he remained silent.
Severus and Penny talked for while about Severus’ potion the peer review was complete and the trial would begin in a month they were just finalising the number of volunteers for the trial. Severus confessed that while he did not have morning sickness he had been feeling some strange things, like stomach cramps, body aches, headaches and irritability and they talked about those things briefly. Then finally Penny stood to leave saying she would walk to the gates and apparate as she was going home and did not have a floo connected to her house. Severus remarked that was an excellent idea and they both laughed. Harry offered to walk Penny out leaving Severus on the couch with a book.
When they got out of the Castle Penny stopped and smiled at the alpha as she cast a privacy spell around them. “You looked like you were going to explode a couple of times in there Harry, tell me what’s got you so worried?”
Harry sighed deeply “I don’t think he is ok. I am not sure he wants this baby and I don’t know what to do. My every instinct is to keep him close but he is not happy here. He won’t leave the dungeon, he hardly eats or sleeps. He naps on the sofa during the day, I don’t know what he does at night but he doesn’t come to bed with me and everything is a fight. He locked himself in his study today, I couldn’t get in I didn’t know where he was…I thought…”
“You thought what Harry?” Penny asked gently.
“I thought he was gone,” the alpha admitted.
“You are worried he might hurt himself or the baby?” the healer asked him.
“I am worried he will disappear, he doesn’t want to be here. I don’t know if he would do anything…anything like that,” Harry said his face twisting at the thought.
Penny considered his words “do you know where he would like to go?”
“He wanted to go to Italy. We had originally planned to spend the last three weeks there in the vineyard he inherited from his grandfather but when this happened and I…I wanted him safe and there is no safer place than Hogwarts. Plus he won’t take potions from a hospital, so Draco has to brew them and he is here,” Harry explained.
“I see, from what you and Poppy have said I fear he might be experiencing prenatal depression and it sounds like being at Hogwarts is not helping him. Is there anywhere else he could go where you would feel he was safe enough?” Penny asked softly.
Harry thought “I don’t know he planned to live in the cottage in Hogsmeade that wasn’t his choice though it was mine. Maybe, Malfoy Manor, only Narcissa would fuss and he hates being fussed over. I can’t even remind him to eat without him yelling that he’s not a child. I have been so close to ordering him a couple of times,” Harry looked abashed at the admission
“I understand it’s hard, but ordering him will only damage his trust in you. He is displaying a lot of symptoms of depression, the stomach cramps and body aches he mentioned, irritability, and not eating they are all signs and he does have a history of depression,” Penny told the alpha.
“Is there anything I can do?” Harry asked.
“I would suggest he leave the castle at least for a little while. It might be safe from outside threats but at the moment the biggest threats are in his head,” Penny explained.
“So I should suggest the cottage?” Harry asked.
“You could but it’s important he has a choice, if I am right then he probably feels all his choices have been taken away, he needs to feel he had some control,” Penny said.
“What do you mean all his choices have been taken away? He can choose to do anything,” Harry objected.
“Ah, but can he brew? Can he have a drink? Can he eat anything he wants without feeling ill? Can he go to Italy? Can he leave the room without constant questions from people about how he is feeling and if he should be going here or there?” Penny challenged.
Harry looked mutinous “People are just worried about him and he could have tea with Minerva, visit Narcissa or I don’t know, but he has options, he’s not a prisoner,” the alpha growled.
“Harry whether you consider it true or not, it’s how he feels. I could see in his eyes he feels trapped. He has a baby growing inside him, which is going to take over his body and his life for some time not just during the pregnancy but afterwards too. He has to subject himself to regular invasive tests, which people who are happy to be pregnant often come to resent. I am afraid I agree with you, I am not sure he is happy to be pregnant and that changes everything, Harry,” Penny told him bluntly.
“He said he was happy, he said he wanted to have the baby,” Harry replied.
Penny reached out and put a hand on the alpha’s arm “I am not suggesting he doesn’t want to have the child. I am suggesting he is not happy to be pregnant, those are actually two separate things Harry. It is hard to understand I know, but think about Severus’ life and how many choices have been taken away from him. This pregnancy was not planned, and we both know he had other plans for the beginning of his retirement,” she said in a firm but kind voice.
Harry looked at the ground and said nothing as Penny continued. “Talking is the only therapy I can offer him for now but until he is ready it won’t work. He needs time and space to adjust to this change and he needs his life to remain as normal as possible. The trial might be a good way for me to keep in touch without making it about him or the baby, there are things he could do which won’t endanger him or the baby. It would mean him spending some time in Edinburgh though,” Penny suggested hesitantly.
Harry growled, then he sighed and looked up a Penny “I suppose he would like that. This is my fault Penny and I don’t know how to help him deal with it, everything I try is wrong,”
Penny frown “what do you mean it’s your fault? I mean apart from the obvious,”
Harry flushed and looked back at the ground “I forgot the charm,” he whispered. “It was the last wave, I remember Severus was surprised because the heat only lasted two days, but it makes sense now, he got pregnant because I forgot the charm,” Harry confessed.
Penny reached out and put her hand on the alpha “have you talked about it with him?” she asked.
“No, he yells at me when I ask him if he has eaten. If I told him this…he might never forgive me,” Harry said miserably.
“Harry, do you really think he has no idea at all that you forgot?” Penny asked evenly.
“What do you mean?” Harry asked miserably.
“He’s pregnant but he’s still Severus, he is a very intelligent man, and he will have thought about how this might have happened. He knows that he took the potion. While it is possible that this could have still happened even if you remembered, it’s very unlikely. You know he knows that Harry,” Penny pressed.
“Maybe that’s why he is always so angry, and he won’t come to bed with me,” Harry said sadly I wish there was something I could do,”
“There is plenty you can do Harry. You might just need to approach it a little differently, make it a choice and don’t be offended if he says no,” the healer advised.
Harry looked blank so Penny continued.
“If he looks tired or uncomfortable offer him a neck or foot massage or suggest a walk outside together. Instead of telling him he needs to eat, offer to make him a sandwich or tell him you are ordering something and ask if he would like some, then eat with him. Ask him to come to bed with you because you would like a cuddle, but don’t pressure him to stay all night. Consider letting him live in a place of his choice even if only for a short time and let him be a part of the trial as he planned, I promise I won’t let him endanger himself, ” Penny suggested gently.
Harry nodded. “Alright, I can try those things, thank you, Penny,”
“I am only a floo call or a patronus away Harry, remember it’s not all on you, you are not alone and neither is Severus,” she said firmly.
“Thank you, Penny,” Harry said and tried to smile at the woman. He knew she was right, but his alpha was roaring about keeping his omega close and safe.
“Let me know about the trial, I won’t offer it to him until you give me the go-ahead,” Penny said as she stepped out the gate. Harry closed it behind her, as he did he had the urge to lock it to keep her far away from his omega, it was an effort but he managed to nod.
Penny apparated away and Harry turned and walked back to the Castle.