without his older brother
Today was the day.
The day they were supposed to leave for the Christmas holidays.
And Regulus was almost sure by his choice.
He decided not to come to the Potter's.
It was the right thing to do. At least that was what Regulus thought and he really consider all the consequences but it wouldn't be the right thing to do.
He did not want to see the Potters on the station. Well he did but he was scared that they would convince him somehow so he wrote them a letter, well more like a short note.
He wanted to say goodbye to James though.
Because after Christmas he won't want to look at him again probably because he will do something terrible.
He doesn't know what is it but The Dark Lord said that Regulus will get his first assignment during the holidays.
'
It was nothing good.
James was packing in his room by now and Regulus knew that because he was there hidden under his cloak which he borrowed from James. He intent to return it now too.
He was alone, Sirius was somewhere with Remus and Peter was actually in the Slytherin common room with Barty.
Evan was a bit jealous but they ended up being all friends.
"Hey" regulus said little out of nowhere and James jumped a bit.
"Oh my god you scared the shit out of me - I - hi " He knew what James thought. He thought Regulus decided to come. He sees the hope and happiness in James's eyes. He shouldn't have come here.
how is he supposed to tell him no when he looks at him with those eyes.
He doesn't want James to lost this- the spark he has now.
"Don't-" Regulus says, he isn't sure if James understand what he means. Maybe he wasn't hoping Regulus will say that he'll go, maybe he was just happy to see him and now he's confused.
"You're not going- are you ?" James says and his eyes changed the expression completely. It made Regulus's hearth stop for a solid second.
He couldn't bring himself to say anything.
So he didn't.
He just stood there a bit awkwardly.
"Okay" James acts casually like everything was fine. Regulus knew it was just a mask. He saw the eyes ´. These exposed him.
"I wrote a little letter to your parents, can you hand it to them- they said they'll be expecting me on the station. I won't be there" Regulus says quietly and James takes the letter from him.
"Will you be okay ?" James asks afterwards.
And Regulus hesitates.
He could just say yes.
"You know I can't promise I will" Regulus whispers.
James just nods at that. Because deep down he knows that it was true.
"I wanted to say goodbye" Regulus says.
"Can I kiss you ?" Regulus asks and James's face turns red.
He could tell that James wanted to kiss him. Well obviously, he's fucking in love with him.
"Reg- You know me and Lily are dating " James says quietly.
"Is that it ? That is the reason you say no ? Shouldn't you say something like 'no I don't want to kiss you' because if you have a girlfriend you probably should not want to kiss other guys right ?" Regulus snaps, he didn't even meant that it just came out of his mouth .
"Regulus-" James whispers and he pulled Regulus to a hug and he hold him tight.
"I'm sorry - that was mean of me and disrespectful toward Lily- I'm sorry" Regulus says to James ear.
"I hope you'll be fine " James said with all sincerity and smiled lightly.
"Me too - I just - if I won't be , remember that it's not your fault. I choose to go back there and if I won't be fine, can you just do that for me ? Please "
"I don't know- maybe if I didn't cut of - whatever it was between us, maybe you would wanna go with us -"
"No James that's what I'm talking about - I wouldn't have decide differently"
James just stood there. Now it was him who had nothing to say. He knew that convincing Regulus was no use anymore.
"I haven't got you present- I wanted to but then I got hurt I just realised - "
"I haven't got anything for you too it's fine James- I didn't even think about it honestly , I had my mind full of other things- I really considered going James. It was the only thing I was thinking about last week, I really did think about it but I feel like I'm doing the right thing - and sorry for not getting you a present, I just forgot completely."
James smiled.
"Okay can we just agree we will see each other the first day we arrive back to school?" James asks afterwards and it makes Regulus blush.
"Yeah okay " Regulus smiles.
"The astronomy tower ? Midnight ?" James asks and Regulus suddenly has something to hold on to.
"Yes I'll be there" He says, and he's already looking forward.
It's just a couple weeks he thinks .
-
On the way back to his dorm to pack his own things he bumped into Sirius.
"Shit sorry" He apologised and when he looked up, he realized it was his brother he ran into.
He wasn't sure if he was happy to see him or not. They weren't on good terms but nor bad ones.
They were on not speaking terms really.
"You're not going ? James said you said you'll think about it " Sirius looks at him, and it's almost ridiculously idiotic how his face expressions looks exactly like James's.
The eyes.
The way he looked at him .
Disappointed.
"Have a good Christmas Sirius " Regulus gives him a forced smile.
"I thought we are good ? I mean aren't we ?" Sirius asked .
"We are."
"Right" Sirius looked at him confused.
They just stood there staring at each other until Remus showed up.
He dragged Sirius to their room and wished happy holidays to Regulus. He was nice .
---
"This is from Regulus" James hands over the letter to his mother. "He won't show up " He added and Effie took the letter.
"I believe he'll be alright James" Fleamont said and James hugged his dad. He needed it more than anything.
The thing about James's parent's was that they cared about everyone who deserved it even just a little bit.
And Regulus deserved all the love in the world and they were willing to give it to him just like they do with Sirius. But it can never work when one is too scared to accept the love he deserve.
Sirius was scared to but sometimes people just overcome their fear by feeling the worst they can. Then they realise that the things they were worrying about before were meaningless.
Sirius needed James and his parents more than he ever needed anything in his life.
But he was never entirely full.
Not without Regulus.
And it was breaking his fragile hearth when he had to just keep seeing Regulus going back there.
Alone.
Just him by himself without his older brother to defend him and stand up for him.
Regulus was the only reason he ever doubted leaving the house.
And sometimes he still does regret, just a little bit.
Not that he would want to be there.
But he could have get Reggie out with him too.