I won't let you go
Regulus was casually studying in the library, he would normally prefer to stay in his room but these days Barty and Evan were on really good terms.
And since Evan is not really interested in sex, which Regulus is very glad because in that case he would lost his room completely.
But no they were just studying but the way they were sitting on each other or next to each other or they could sit either on each beds they would still look at each other like two fucking idiots in love.
And Regulus found that very, very uncomfortable to look at.
And distracting by the way.
Someone tapped on his shoulder.
He looked up.
It was James.
Why is James tapping on his shoulder .
They haven't directly talked to each other for like two months straight.
Besides he dates Lily now.
"Hey" He just says and Regulus couldn't bring himself to say something. He just nodded.
"Can I sit ?" James asks and Regulus nods again completely wordless.
James sat right in front of him.
James wanted to ask like million questions but he didn't really know which one should he ask.
"So what do you study? Something incredibly interesting I suppose" He asked after a while.
"James?" Regulus talked for the first time, looking at James confusingly.
"What? I'm just asking I wanna know "
"James. Why are you here?"
"I asked first" James cuts out and Regulus rolled his eyes a little.
"James I'm okay, eating fully and stuff" He said looking still little confused.
"I wasn't asking that but I'm glad you're okay" James answered and smiled a little.
"James."
"Yeah ?"
"What do you need?" Regulus asked.
"Fine well I came here to ask you to go to my parent's house for Christmas - and I know that you'll resist and all that so I don't want you to answer me now, I want you to think about it and then tell me what you came up with during the next week " James says and Regulus doesn't really know what to say. James knew him too well, of course that the first thing Regulus would do is that he would reject James's offer like it was nothing.
There was not answer he could give James right now. He did not want to fight with him and he could do that- wait a week and tell him no then.
"And I - I want you to think about it like for real, my parents would love to have you there too, you know how my dad likes you since the holidays."
"James I just-"
"No I know you think that you'll be fine and I truly hope you'll be fine if you decide to go to your parents' house but if something happens I'll feel terrible so it doesn't matter that we haven't been talking okay ? You don't have to interact with me at all if you wish not to so just consider it as a real option okay ?"
"You don't want a death eater in your house James" Regulus whispered looking back into his book.
"Reg- I don't care about the stupid mark on your hand as long as you're safe"
"If I enter your house- you won't be safe and Sirius and your parents , I mean it it's not safe for you, I can take being yelled at a bit " He said and even though James found Regulus's words so lame and thought that Regulus was being very stubborn, he just saw an innocent boy who wanted to keep everyone safe despite his own safety. They both knew that too Regulus it wouldn't be just getting yelled at..
"-Besides that I wouldn't be able to look in your parent's eyes when I became what I became-" Regulus let slide one of his thoughts out loud.
"But love that's just so -"
"James" Regulus said sadly and sharply at ones. James just knew he shouldn't have called him that but he still did.
"I'm sorry " He said after and looked into Regulus's eyes.
"Think about it - please ?" James asked him one more time and Regulus just sighed quietly.
"I will " He said and James nearly lost it because he knew that Regulus was saying that just to shut James's mouth from convincing him.
"You won't. Won't you ?" James asked with tears in his eyes, he did not meant to cry it wasn't even that serious he just couldn't handle the conversation the way he thought he could.
"No James, I'm sorry" Regulus did not want to lie, he wanted to at first but he couldn't look at James's eyes full of tears and lie to him , he wouldn't even know he lied - not for sure.
"I won't let you go " James says fully crying now and it was breaking Reg's hearth, James knew it was but he couldn't stop. It was just too much.
"It's not your choice to make love" Regulus whispered as he put a hand on James's, the sound of his 'love' was so pure and innocently precious.
Their fingers were touching for like a five seconds, then Regulus pulled away and stood up.
James was sitting there not looking back at Regulus. He couldn't move exactly.
"I know you don't believe me when I say I'll be fine - but I think I will" Regulus said but James still didn't move his head and he still sat with his back turned to him.
"Do you remember what you told me the last day at my house, when you were leaving ?" James says eventually and Regulus was standing right beside him leaned against the bookshelf.
Regulus did not answered that question.
"You told me you'll be good, you came back with the mark on your hand how am I supposed to believe you now ?"
"Well I'm okay now- I will- I will recover again eventually and I already got the mark, I'm here - alive. It's not like I lied"
"Being alive doesn't always means being fine" James snaps sadly.
"Wouldn't be so fine if all of you were dead because of my selfishness" Regulus snapped back.
"I'm sorry James - I just can't - I'm sorry" Regulus said after few minutes of awkward silence then he left James sitting in the library.
----
Regulus did not lie when he said he'll think about it.
Now he was in his bed, trying his best to fall asleep, but he couldn't.
And he couldn't stop his mind from thinking about it.
He wasn't considering it, not even for a second, because since he is the death eater he knows that there will be at least one meeting during Christmas, it will be his first one despite the fact he was one of them for like half a year now.
He was just thinking about what would it be like at the Potters.
He was overthinking it even though, it wasn't going to happened.
He thought about all of it, every detail, the bad thoughts and the good ones.
He thought about how would James's parent's look at him when they know who he is now, and would they treat him any different ? They probably would . They would try to be nice but actually they would be just pretending.
How they Christmas Eve looks like, Regulus thought. They probably spend the whole day together and sitting in the kitchen during dinner and talk and laugh.
At Reg's house they were having dinner together too. It was not in the same spirit though.
It was more like complete cold silence, the silence when you can hear your own chewing and swallowing.
Regulus always find it very stressful, he felt like he couldn't swallow all the food. His throat seemed to be stiff and his stomach seemed to be overflowing.
And after he finished the whole meal, leaving some of it was Inadmissible in that house, he went to his room.
And he felt like throwing up.
He did sometimes throw up, not every time though. Sometimes he had the urge to throw up but it just felt like he physically can't so he just went to sleep with that annoying feeling in his stomach.
With the Potters it was a lot easier. He still felt bad though. He felt like he had to eat the whole thing because it wouldn't be very polite to leave I even tough Effie told him so many times that it was okay if he left something and so did Sirius since he used to struggle with that too.
James noticed too and he offered that they can eat together in his room. Just the two of them. And Reg was really glad for that. He didn't felt the urge to eat it all when he couldn't eat any more. Because James just left it at the table in his room and they brought it to the kitchen at the end of the day.
The hardest thing about this was the moment when he had to just stop eating the food and leave it unfinished on the table or take it away with all eyes on him.
James also never finished his food, he used to say that he wasn't hungry but Regulus suspected that he did it just so Reg saw that it was completely fine to leave it there.
No matter if it was James's intention or not it worked pretty well.
At the end of the day they would take all the dishes down to kitchen and it weren't just Regulus's plates that were unfinished.
Oh how he would want to go spend the Christmas with them.
But it wouldn't work..