Heavy is the heart

Narcissa met Alice met Alice as promised in the Black forest. The sky was dark and only the moon seemed to lead the way.

„What took you so long?” Alice asked. A smile appeared the moment her eyes laid on the girl before her. “I´m sorry, love. I tried, but they wouldn´t let me go”.

Alice had a concerned look on her face as her eyes wandered Cissa´s body, which she seemed to notice.

“Don´t worry, it´s nothing serious. Just things to organize for the-“ She fell silent.

She hadn´t wanted to bring the wedding up. She hadn´t wanted to remind them both of the reason they were here. But it was no use denying it. This would be the last time they would get the chance to speak to one another. This was the begin of the ending of their story.

They were no longer children that had gotten wrapped up in this secret fling they had. No, it´s been a long time since then and a lot had changed, though not the way she felt about the girl, the woman, standing in front of her. Everything else had changed, even they had changed.

And as hard as it was to admit it to herself, Narcissa knew that this had been inevitable. They had started this, knowing it could never end well. And how could it? There was no such thing as happy endings for her – not for a Black.

Because that´s what she was. She´d been proud of it for most of her life, but more and more it felt like curse rather than a blessing. Yes, that´s what it was – a curse. A curse that even true love´s kiss could not break. She´d spent her whole life trying to be perfect, striving to meet her family´s expectations. And she had. She had been the grand jewel in her family´s crown, a heavy crown under whose weight she seemed to fall. And in these moments it had been Alice that had helped her up, whose hand had reached for her, who had been the one that saved her. But in the end, it had always been clear that she had to let go of the hand, so that she wouldn't drag her down with her.

Eventually, Alice broke the silence. “Do you want to go for a swim?”

“What? Are you kidding? It is the middle of the night!”

“So…yes?”

Narcissa looked up to the sky as if the stars could tell her what to say.

And for once, she let her heart decide -just like back then when she´d decided to kiss the girl she hadn´t been able to stop thinking about many years ago.

“Yes” as soon as the words left her mouth, Alice grabbed her hand and they teleported to the beach.

They could´ve walked, it really hadn´t been that far from where they´d stood before, but Alice had always been rather impatient when she´d come up with an idea.

And so it was that two silhouettes popped up out of nowhere and stood just inches away from the water.

Alice immediately slipped out of her pants and socks and pulled her sweater over her head, throwing it over a big root. Narcissa on the other hand simply used a charm and was undressed and stood in her swimwear in seconds, her white gown folded, floating in the air so it wouldn’t get anything on it. It was a trick she had learned from her mother back in France during summer break.

Other than Regulus, growing up she had always loved the water and the creatures in it. She had loved swimming for hours and drifting far away from her sorrows, letting herself get drowned by the sea. It had been somewhat freeing.

Regulus on the other hand had been terrified of the water after the accident. The accident had happened when he´d been only eight years old and Sirius had come up with the great idea to push him in the water when Regulus couldn´t swim and had threatened to drown if she hadn´t saved him.

After that, he had been terrified of the sea and would try to hide behind her when Sirius would come to try yet again to show him that the water wasn´t harmful. He even tried giving him swimming lessons. He failed obviously, because if Sirius Black, was one thing, he was definitely not a good teacher. And he really did try, it was just that he wasn´t particularly good at explaining how to do something. So when Regulus once agreed to one of Sirius swimming lessons, he had yet again nearly drowned. And it wasn´t until his 5th year in Hogwarts that he suddenly found interest in swimming again. The reason for that had been no other than Pandora who had showed him that water could be peaceful and calm. Since then, during his summer breaks that was all he did.

“Are you coming or what?” Alice called. The water already reached her knees. “I´m coming, don´t rush me, darling” The water was cold, but neither of them seemed to mind that. They probably would have done it even if it had been freezing cold.
For some time, they were just holding hands and floating in the moonlight. Poetic, really. The clouds vanished and the moon appeared above them. He bathed everything in glaring light.

Alice´s gaze was fixated all on her, as if what she saw was unbelievable, as if if she blinked, it would vanish.

“What?” Narcissa asked.

“I don´t want you to leave”

“But I´m right here”

“We both know that´s not what I mean”

“I know. I don´t want to, my love. I really don´t-” “Then don´t”

“What?” Narcissa shrugged.

They had had this conversation before. And it had caused enough pain for a lifetime. She would not go through that again, because as painful as it was, she had made her decision a long time ago back in her 3rd year at Hogwarts when she had agreed to marry Lucius Malfoy one day.

Back then he had seemed like a possible suitor, someone who could offer her everything she ever wanted. It wasn´t until one year later that she had fallen head over heels in love – not with him, but with someone far more … interesting. Someone who had stolen her heart and hadn´t returned it yet. If things had been different, who knows, perhaps she would have agreed to what Alice had asked of her then and would agree to what she was going to ask now.

“Leave with me. We could take Neville and apparate wherever we want to. We could leave this all behind. We could be a family. We… we could be us. We could start over and be happy”

“That´s not how it works, Alice. I-I can´t. I … I have responsibilities"

“But what is it that you want?” “It´s not that simple”

“Yes, it is. What do you want, Cissy?”

“That…That is not fair"

“Of course it isn´t. Nothing ever is” Alice tried to pull herself together, because it wasn´t Narcissa she was angry with. It was everyone else.

That was the problem.

As much as she had tried to hate her for breaking her heart so many times, she knew it hadn´t been her choice, not really.

“We already talked about this, Alice” something in her voice got colder. They both felt it.

“I know…I know”, she took her hand, “But when is it about you, huh? When do you get to be happy?”

That, she didn´t know the answer to. No, that was not true. Deep down, she knew the answer. It was just not a pretty one.

“I don´t. Don´t you get it?! I don´t get to be”.

It was the first time she said it out loud. And it hurt even more than she imagined. The truth was out. And it wasn´t freeing or mind opening, it was just adding more salt to a wound that would probably never heal.

“But you can be, Alice. You have a chance at being happy”

“What are you talking about, Cissa?”

“Take Neville and leave. Leave all this behind. Take Frank with you and be happy. Just…forget me”

“I can´t. Don´t you get it? I love you and I can´t just stop loving you. Not even you can stop me. Nothing you do is ever going to stop me from loving you, Cissy”. She leaned forward and kissed her - a desperate attempt to convince her to stay with her.

“I love you too. More than you´ll ever know”

Some hours later they apparated back to Alice house – it was obviously smaller than Grimauld place and where Narcissa had grown up, but in a way she had felt more at home here than she´d ever felt back there.

What Alice had said was still echoing inside her head. Oh how she would´ve loved to run away with her. It would be just them and Neville against the world. But she couldn´t. She couldn´t escape her family nor the ring on her finger. It was hopeless.

That´s why she was all the happier she had found love, true love, in this hopelessness she called her life. She had learned to live and not just to survive. Alice had taught her so many things – compassion, love and happiness. And that´s exactly what she wanted for her. The things was, she knew Alice could never find these things if in the back of her mind, Narcissa was still there. So, she had to vanish. Completely to be able to return the favor and give her all the things Alice had given her. Even if it would kill her inside.

They walked along the street, taking the last breaths until they had to part. Their hands were squeezed together, Narcissa feared her hand would be lonely and lost if she ever let go. Before Alice house, they stopped. Alice turned to look at her, tears in her eyes.

“I don´t know what I´ll do without you, Cissy”

“Oh Alice, you´ll do great things without me. You´ll make so many new memories. You´ll get to live”

“But I-I can´t live without you”

“Yes, you do, my love. You are so much stronger than you think you are” Narcissa felt hot tears running down her cheeks. She leaned down and kissed Alice on her forehead.

“I love you so much” her voice broke.

She knew she´d regret what she was about to do. But just because Narcissa couldn´t get her happy ending didn´t mean Alice couldn´t. And she was willing to do everything in her power to give her the happy ever after she deserved – even if it meant that she´d spend it with someone that wasn´t her.

“Oblivio”. Before Alice got to say no, she was frozen.

“Goodbye, my love” Narcissa whispered and pressed their foreheads together before apparating back to what she called home.