The Moral of the Story
SIX MONTHS LATER
-JAMES-
Forgetting someone is deemed harder than James thought it was going to be, and he certainly didn’t think it was going to be easy. He hasn’t seen Regulus in six months, and he’s hardly talked to him. They talked a little bit in the beginning, but it was only ever about Harry. It was how it was supposed to be. They talked about his schedule and how it would go from now on. If something changed in it Harry was always the one to say something. He volunteered, actually. James would’ve been fine talking to Regulus. He knows he shouldn’t. He’s trying to cut himself off from him. It’s better if they don’t talk at all, he knows that. He can’t help but miss him though.
It would be easier if he could forget him forever. Somehow trick his brain and cast him aside, but he’s everywhere nowadays. Just the other day James swears he saw him in the grocery store line. When he glanced back over he was gone, but he swears he was there. His mind has been playing tricks on him. They’ve spent seven years apart, and yet these six months have felt longer than all of them. He was walking around like a ghost for most of the time. He never took the proper time to grieve over their past before now. He didn’t think there was anything to cry over. He stomped on their grave and spat in their ashes. He didn’t weep and stain his jeans with mud. He acted like he didn’t know it at all. He spends a lot of time thinking about them now. He wakes early to sit outside and question what exactly he’s doing in this life now. When his leg healed he walked instead. He walks a lot nowadays.
He just can’t help but try to figure out what went wrong with them. Even more so how much of a waste this lifetime is now. If they can’t be together there doesn’t seem to be a point. James knows he shouldn’t put a relationship on that high of ground. Any relationship not just a romantic one. He should care about himself more. He should find something about his life that fills his chest with purpose. He knows. Of course, he knows. But he can’t help it. Regulus isn’t just some romantic fling. After all this time James still feels him in his chest. If he believed in soulmates anymore he would say he was his. He stopped believing in them a long time ago though, so it doesn’t matter now. He’s just sorry for the way it turned out, and he’s not sure what to do with that information.
There’s not much else he’s doing with his days, especially when Harry’s not here. Even when he is here he doesn’t do anything. The holidays are coming up so they’ve done some things for that, but nothing much Harry wants to spend most of his break with Luna. James doesn’t blame him for it. He is lonely though. He feels it sinking in his chest so much more recently. He wants to live a life without love. He doesn’t want to be so dependent on it. He wants to be good. He wants to be clean. Yet his hands still reach for Regulus, trying to cling to skin and bone. Drawing blood until it stings. He’ll kiss the wounds better, and Regulus will sew together his. James knows this isn’t good for either of them. That’s why they agreed to go back to being separated in the first place, but he can’t help but crave the pain. He’d rather have something than nothing at all. He’d rather Regulus be cruel than indifferent.
His phone buzzes on the table next to him and he jumps for it, probably too quickly, but he’s desperate for something to take him away from here. All he’s been doing is staring at the fucking vase wondering what else he did wrong. He’s finding new ways to be pathetic on the daily.
“Are you home?” Lily asks.
“What a way to greet someone.”
She sighs, “You are then.”
“Yes,” James replies quickly, “Now what—“
“I’m already on my way,” she says. “You need to get out of the house.”
“But—“
“Be dressed when I get there.” She hangs up before he can say anything.
Glancing down at himself he scoffs, it’s fucking two pm who does she think he is? Okay. Well. Fine, he doesn’t get dressed a lot these days. He’s trying. Getting back to old routines is hard when it feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest. He feels sixteen again. He doesn’t know what to do with that. It’s not like he has any of those good feelings. He doesn’t have blood rushing to his cheeks and his heart skipping like an old record played too many times. It’s more like he has a lot of anxiety and is unsure of what his life even means. So you know all the bad parts of it.
Lily wasn’t lying when she said she was on her way, she shows up not even five minutes later barging into the room. James is still sitting at the table, she gives him a pointed look as soon as she sees him. “Oh come on. You’re being pathetic on purpose.”
“Shut up,” he grumbles, walking off to get his shoes.
“I’m assuming Harry isn’t here.”
“He’s with Reg—ulus,” He stumbles. He needs to get better at using his full name again. In those seven years, he would’ve never used a nickname. It was always too sweet in his head. A reminder of another time. Only now he wants the reminder. He wants to be close to something he wishes to forget. He still can’t say it in front of Lily though. He wouldn’t hear the end of it.
She hums shortly, grabbing his arm as soon as he ties his shoes, “Now come on.”
“Where?” He questions. Not that he cares. He would pretty much follow her anywhere right now. He just needs to get out of this house. One of his biggest mistakes in the divorce was letting Regulus get his own house. Technically he could sell this one with no problem and move somewhere else, but he’s grown attached to it. This is the place Harry grew up in. Hell James grew up here too, though he was slightly older.
She doesn’t answer practically pushing him into the passenger side of her car, “We are going to talk.”
James sighs heavily, “Lils…”
“You can’t get away from this, Potter,” She says pointedly, “You’ve been moping about this for months. It’s getting pathetic.”
“I haven’t been moping,” he mutters. He totally has. Quickly he turns on the radio, trying to find a station. Every song reminds him of Regulus. Even the ones he hasn’t heard before. He’s never hated his brain more. He can feel Lily watch him the whole time but he refuses to meet her eyes. He doesn’t like the way his head works. He certainly doesn’t like pining over a love that should mean nothing to him now. He just feels like his chest has been broken open. He feels like he’s been reborn.
Eventually, they get to a farmers market, and he doesn’t question it. Lily likes to go to them a lot and always drags someone with her. Sirius likes to go with her a lot of the time. He even gets up early for it and nothing can get him up early. She throws him a tote bag before walking up, “So… Regulus?”
“What about him?” James mumbles, looking over at the stalls. He’s not really looking at getting anything, but he’ll buy stuff to distract himself. Maybe even get Lily something to get her to get off his back. It’s not that he minds her prying into his personal life, it’s just what they do. They spy on each other and ask stupid questions that you don’t realize are really smart until you’re already spilling everything you’ve ever thought. It’s just the way they work. James does the same to her. He just doesn’t want to talk about Regulus right now. These six months have been hard enough as is. Quitting him cold turkey is a lot harder when everyone keeps bringing him up. Well, no one is really bringing him up. Sirius does sometimes but only every once and a while and only if he’s actually doing something with him. He’s not going to lie and say he’s not with him when he is. It would get messy. And it’s pointless anyway. Remus mentioned him a few times, especially after that phone call but after he realized how uncomfortable James was he kinda stopped. Lily hasn’t. She’s the only one. Even Harry knows not to bring him up right now.
“You’ve been missing him a lot recently,” She says as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.
“I’m trying to get over him,” James presses.
“I thought you were already over him,” Lily points out.
James smiles sadly, “I wanted to be.”
She looks at him for a second too long before walking off to check out some of the fruit. Tossing some apples into her bag she looks back at him, her nose already red with the snow. Maybe going shopping outside wasn’t the best idea right now. “What are you gonna do?”
“With what?”
“Him.”
He looks away, watching the slow flurry of snowfall around them. There aren’t many people around with them, and yet he still looks for him anyway. He looks for him everywhere. “I just want to forget about him,” he shakes his head, looking back over to her. “I mean we agreed to not see each other again.”
“That was months ago,” She says.
“What’s your point?”
She sighs, “You spent seven years without him and one little holiday broke down all the barriers between the two of you.”
“It was nothing,” he grumbles. “Honestly it was—“
She cuts him off, “You love him don’t you?”
He grows silent.
“You didn’t love him before.”
“I did,” he sighs, “I just tricked myself into thinking I didn’t.”
She gives him a pointed look, “So that’s your plan then? Trick yourself into thinking you’re not in love with him and live the rest of your life miserable because you can’t have him.”
“Lily,” he grits his teeth. “Please—“
“You’re an idiot,” she scoffs. Sliding out some cash to slip to the vendor. “You could be with him right now if you weren’t so stubborn.”
“I don’t want to be with him!” James argues. “I want him out of my life.”
Lily’s shoulders slump, “Babe, you’ve looked for him twice already and we’ve been here two seconds.”
James can’t even defend himself. He knows she’s right.
He clenches his jaw, “He doesn’t want it.”
“Dorcas—“
“Oh come on,” James walks off, stumbling over to the next booth.
She walks quicker to meet him, “She talks to Regulus.”
“She talks to Pandora,” he says. “Not the same thing.”
“They’re practically the same person,” Lily grabs his arm and tugs him back. “We talk about it you know.”
“I’m glad you use me as a topic during pillow talk, Lily, but butt out,” James says. “I didn’t ask for your help.”
“But you need it,” She sighs, and she keeps her grip firm. He feels her nails digging into him. “Regulus is miserable without you, James. He said he wanted space but he really doesn’t mean it.”
“What else could he have meant?” James asks.
She nods her head over to a bench a little while away, it’s next to the flower booth. James’ chest aches just looking at it. He almost thinks he’ll find Regulus sitting in there, surrounded by the beautiful auroras. Rolling his eyes and pointing at the ones he wants. He follows Lily with his neck craned to see every inch of it. He doesn’t find Regulus in there. He knew he wouldn’t.
“Dorcas has talked to him,” She repeats. “She’s actually talked to him. They’ve gotten closer recently, not that you would know.” She doesn’t say it as a jab to him, but it still feels that way. “He doesn’t talk to anyone about anything but sometimes when he gets sad enough he will. He misses you, James.”
“It’s better that we’re separated,” James says. “We both agreed.” If Regulus thinks it’s better to be numb than to feel anything at all, then that’s what he’ll think too. He’s not sure when he started agreeing with him, but he knows it won’t last forever. They’d start fighting again. It would end in a bloodbath. With sharp teeth and eaten flesh.
“He misses you,” she presses. “You miss him too.”
“Love isn’t enough, Lily,” James tells her. “You know that. Your love for Dorcas isn’t even enough. Remember all the times you broke up when you first started going out together?”
She shakes her head in memory, it’s funny to them now. They weren’t really good at the commitment thing when they first got together. It was messy. Very similar to the way James and Regulus ended. They were always like that though. Pushing each other against walls until they snapped. Flirting with other people just to get the other person riled up. They didn’t make it this far off love alone. They had to struggle to get married, and have the life they have now. It wasn’t simply handed to them.
“Fight then.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Of course, it’s not that easy. If it was easy we’d all have it,” Lily says. “You want Regulus. You miss him. You have to fight for him.”
“What makes you so sure he’ll fight for me?” James asks. Believe him he’s thought about it. He’s asked himself over and over why would he take the plunge and run after him. Kiss him as a promise to do better. Push aside all the fights and force him to talk. Turn his words soft instead of angry. Try to clean up the mess they’ve become and become something better. He’s thought about it. He’s played it over and over in his head. But he can’t fight if Regulus doesn’t do it too. And he knows he won’t. He’s too afraid of how they’d end up.
“He will,” she says, as if she knows. Even if Dorcas tells her Regulus is ready for a fight James knows him better than all of them. He’ll fight. He will. He’ll mean to. But if he gets even a sprinkle of doubt he’ll pack his shit and run. He’s done it before and he’ll do it again. The only person he hasn’t left is Harry.
James looks away, looking at the flowers again. They drag his focus especially with the snow sprinkled over them. He could buy some. To either plant on their grave or place in Regulus’ hair like he did when they were younger. He’s not sure which he’d prefer, or which one would actually end up happening. He has each timeline playing on a perfect repeat in his head.
Lily grabs his hand, “You don’t need to lead a miserable life without him, you know. If you really want to get over him—“
“I don’t,” he says weakly. “I just… I was angry for so long.”
Lily shrugs, “You can’t go on avoiding the past, but you’re making it out to be such a big deal.”
“It was seven years.”
“In the grand scheme of things it’s nothing,” Lily urges. “You still have so much life in you. If you remarry Regulus even in the next few years you’ll spend most of your life with him.”
“He doesn’t want it.”
“Bullshit,” she says. “You just like the pity.” She stands up tugging him with her. “Now come on. I’ve still got more shopping to do.”
“What if we just run away together yeah?” He asks.
“In your dreams,” She laughs. “Plus we both know you can’t take Dorcas.”
He throws his head back dramatically. Even if he could go off with Lily he wouldn’t. He’s too stuck on Regulus it wouldn’t be fair. For the rest of the time he thinks about him. He thinks of everything Lily told him. Being with Regulus isn’t as easy as breathing anymore. Loving him is. It comes like a punch in the chest, but it’s still easy. He doesn’t have to fight for it. Being with him though is like trying to save a drowning man who doesn’t know the color of the sun. He’d have to spend all his time with baited breaths and long conversations. He’s sure it would be worth it. Being Regulus would make it worth it. He thinks he’d try again. He would. He’s too scared of what Regulus would say. He’s too scared of disappointing him again. Of falling back on old habits and ruining not only their lives but everyone’s too. Maybe he’ll just be like this forever. Oh, what a devastating thought.
-Regulus-
Regulus has never been more miserable in his life. It’s making him grumpy. Sirius has called him an old man twenty times in the last week and he’s sick of it. Will he change his behavior at all? No. He’ll just be even more pissed at the world.
“I told you—“
“No party,” Sirius finishes. “I know.”
“So what’s this?”
Sirius blinks, “A present.”
Regulus scoffs walking back into his house, “I don’t want to celebrate.”
“It’s a rule with birthdays you need to get a gift,” Sirius says. “I would be a shitty brother if I didn’t.”
Regulus gives him a pointed look, “You are a shitty brother.”
“Well aren’t you in a nice mood,” Sirius teases. “Is a certain—“
“Shut up,” Regulus cuts him off. “I’m not talking about him.”
Sirius puts his hands up, “Alright fine.”
Regulus doesn’t really like his birthday. He never really did. Sure celebrating with James was… nice. It made him grow more tolerant of the whole affair. He used to wake up with breakfast in bed, or when Harry came along him shrieking with laughter as James told him to be quiet. Regulus always pretended to still be asleep when he came up though, for his benefit anyway. There were countless presents, too many probably. It was always so warm for his birthday, it was never that when he was a kid. It was the day after Christmas. They already had a big holiday, everyone was too tired to do anything for it. James was never too tired though. Somehow he got even more energy for it. He’d be jumping off the walls. Dragging Regulus on whatever date he had planned. Regulus went with him anywhere he went, why wouldn’t he? Now his birthday is just a reminder of the end. Sitting alone waiting for James to pop up with a birthday cake, or at least a phone call. It’s stupid. It’s stupid now and it was stupid then.
“Where’s Harry?” Sirius asks.
“With his Dad,” Regulus says. “I told you I don’t do birthdays.”
Sirius pauses, “You’re not even letting Harry see you?”
Regulus looks back, “No.”
He feels a little guilty about it, but he doesn’t trust himself to be around anyone right now. He’s already in a mood, and he’s sure Harry would try to make it better. He would make it better, but Regulus doesn’t think it would be good for him anyway. Harry shouldn’t see him like this.
Sirius stares at him for a while. Regulus can see the anger fall through his pupils, he can see his eyes turn cold. He almost looks like his parents now. He’d never tell him that. He hates even thinking about it. They look similar enough, Sirius and him. If Sirius looks like their mother when he gets angry Regulus can’t bring himself to think about how James viewed him in the end. Did he see Walburga’s eyes when Regulus told him he wouldn’t care if he lived or died? “What the fuck are you doing?”
Regulus flinches, It’s small, and he’s not even sure if Sirius sees him do it. “What?”
“I know you’re making yourself miserable because you won’t allow yourself to have James but I would’ve never thought you’d bring Harry into this.”
Regulus feels unzipped. “What are you talking about?”
Sirius scoffs, “You can’t possibly be that thick.”
“Harry’s fine!” Regulus argues. “I talked to him yesterday he said—“
“I don’t fucking care what he said,” Sirius seethes. “That kid lies to you all the fucking time. It’s not my problem you can’t see it.”
Regulus feels his heart drop. He feels it shatter. “No, he—“
“He doesn’t want to tell you,” Sirius says. “He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but Reg… whatever you and James are doing right now is killing him.”
Harry seems fine most of the time. A little distant but Regulus just thought it was a school thing. He’s been busy. He’s had a lot of classes to catch up on. And he’s spent the majority of the break with his Dad so he thought that’s why he hadn’t heard from him much. He didn’t think he was upset about it all. Well at least not much. He thought he’d grown okay with it. He thought he got closure of some kind. Maybe that’s his mistake.
“We’re not doing anything,” Regulus says weakly. “We’re going back to the way things were.”
“Even if you were it still wouldn’t be good for him, you know that,” Sirius says. “That kid masterminded a way to get you both on vacation together because he wasn’t okay with that arrangement. He was thirteen he shouldn’t have to play matchmaker between the two of you.”
“I never asked him—“
“Reg,” Sirius sighs, “What are you and James doing?”
“We’re separated,” He presses. “We’re not doing anything.”
“You’re in love with him.”
“So?”
The word echoes in the house for a while. Regulus feels it reverberate against his skin. He’s never admitted it to Sirius before. He hasn’t admitted it to anyone but Pandora before really. It hurts his chest. He hates the way it sits in his mouth. He hates even more how true it is. He’s in love with James Potter. After all this time he can’t help it. He lives in his heart. He’s the broken melody playing in his head. He’s the curse he can’t be rid of. He’s the answer to every single question he contemplates before he forces sleep to take him over. James is everything, and all Regulus wants is to be nothing. None of it fucking matters. They can’t be together. They can’t be anything. It’s been six months and Regulus hasn’t gone anywhere. Nothing has changed. He’s still as miserable as he was seven years ago.
Sirius’ shoulders slump, “I’m not going to tell you to go after him.” He says, “I don’t know if I trust you two with that.”
Regulus can’t even blame him for it but it still causes his eyes to sting. He feels like all those words his parents used to scream at him. A disappointment. A spare. A waste. He just keeps messing everything up. He’s not sure how to fix it. That’s all he wants to do. He just wants to fix it, but he can’t. He can’t do anything. He can sit and mope. He can look in the mirror and pick apart everything he hates about himself, but he can’t fix anything. He can’t give James the love he needs. He can’t take care of his kid the way he should. He can’t give him everything he wanted. He feels like his falling back into self-pity, and he doesn’t even mean to. He knows he shouldn’t. He doesn’t deserve it. He did this to himself.
Sirius goes on when he doesn’t say anything, “What I need you to do is pick a fight. If you want James run to him. Fall on your knees and beg for his forgiveness or work through the fuck ton of baggage you guys have. Whatever. Or break away from him enough and find it in your heart to fall out of love with him so you can at least talk to him for the sake of your child.”
Regulus looks away, and he feels his eyes sting, “I don’t know what to do.”
“Well you’re an adult, Reggie,” he pulls out the childhood name just to fuck with him. “You’re the parent now. You didn’t like the way we were raised yeah? Break the cycle.”
“Do you think I’m like them?” He asks quietly.
Pity forms a ring around his eyes, “No, Reg. I don’t think you are, but that doesn’t mean you’re anywhere near perfect.”
“Yeah,” he mumbles.
“You call Harry,” Sirius says. “You go pick him up and spend the day together. Not for you but for him.”
“Okay,” Regulus mumbles. “I will.”
Sirius looks at him like he doesn’t believe him. Regulus isn’t sure if he believes himself either. “Good.”
He ends up lying on the kitchen floor for an hour watching the ceiling fan spin. He was trying to find his phone. It’s sitting in his hand now, but he still didn’t call him. It’s still early. He might not even be up, he’s got a bad sleeping schedule nowadays. Breaks do that to him. Regulus still has time. Even if he feels his bones withering away with each passing second.
His phone rings before he can convince himself to do it first. He hates himself for it. He hates himself even more when he realizes it’s not Harry who’s calling.
It’s James.
He answers it before he can think. Before he can even move it’s resting against his ear.
“Happy Birthday,” he says.
Regulus is sitting at the kitchen table seven years ago. He’s waiting for him to come home. “What?”
“Happy Birthday,” he repeats dumbly.
“James,” Regulus sits up quickly he sees stars. “What are you doing?”
“Telling you happy birthday?” He says.
“You can’t just—“ He sighs, “We agreed not to talk.”
“I know,” James says, “But I was thinking about you.”
He’s going to kill him. He can’t deal with this right now. He curls his legs up to his chest, “James.”
“Listen,” he can hear him pacing. “I know we agreed to separate again but I’ve been thinking.” Regulus doesn’t want to get his hopes up again. He doesn’t want to ruin the best thing he’s ever had again. He doesn’t want to do anything, so he can’t say yes. He can’t do this.
“James—“
“Reg shut up for a second,” James mutters. “Oh my god, you’re insufferable.”
Regulus bites back a life, “Fuck off.”
James sighs lightly, “I hear you’re miserable without me.”
“Who told you that?” Regulus asks in mockery.
“My sources are confidential,” James says. “But I know it’s true.”
He’s missed him. He hates him. He loves him. He misses him so badly he can’t think straight. “What are you doing?”
“I’ve been going to therapy,” James says. Something Regulus never thought would come out of his mouth. James never admitted that anything was wrong with him. He’d push it aside until you’d get so annoyed you wouldn’t bring it up again. Not that Regulus ever asked him to go to therapy before. He was too afraid he’d be asked to go with him.
“Oh?”
“Well I’ve gone twice,” he adds quickly, “But it’s… I think it’ll be good.”
“I’m happy for you then,” Regulus says, and somehow he means it.
“I’ve told her about you,” He says. Regulus knew he would, and yet he can’t help but feel his heart in his throat at the throat at the thought of a stranger knowing his dirty laundry. It’s bad enough they had to live through it the first time. He doesn’t like that someone is picking through every decision he made and the words he spat out. He doesn’t like existing in some stranger's head.
“I would’ve assumed so,” he keeps his voice steady but deep down he knows James knows he’s upset about it. He can see right through him.
“I’ve talked to her about talking to you again,” James says. “And she doesn’t know a lot, to be fair, not yet anyway. But she says that if I wanted-we wanted to start we should go slow.”
Regulus feels the rush of his blood as it falls to his feet. He wants to… he wants to… fuck he wants to. “Oh.”
“I mean,” James says quickly. “I know we have a lot of history and everything. And I also know you told me you wanted space and if you really meant it I’d give it. I don’t want to do this if you don’t want to fight for us. We need to fight for it I just—“
“What’s the plan?” Regulus finds himself asking.
He knows it’s a bad idea. Fuck he knows it’s a bad idea. But it also might be the best mistake he’s ever made.
He can hear James smile with his words, “I was thinking we could talk on the phone for a while.” He says, “I’m not sure how long, but I think it’ll be better if we’re not together at first.”
“Makes sense,” Regulus says. No matter how badly he wants to run to him right now it’s probably not the first step. They have a lot to work through first. He closes his eyes and it’s almost like James is next to him again. Maybe that’s a sign that things will work, or maybe it’s a sign that he’s moving too fast and this love will soon turn into resentment. There’s not really any way to tell.
“I also think you need a therapist.”
It isn’t the first time Regulus has heard this. Sirius has been pushing it for years. He’s never said yes though. He doesn’t want to tell someone else his problems. He doesn’t want someone to know him so deeply. It would open a door in his head he locked so long ago now. But this is for James. If James asks maybe he’ll try it out. For a little while anyway, “Okay.”
“I can help you find one,” James suggests. “You can go to mine if you want to, but I’m not gonna force you to. I know it’s a big thing.”
“I’ll think about it,” Regulus says.
“I’ll text you info about it,” James tells him. “If you want.”
“Yeah, sure.”
James’ voice comes off differently on the phone. It doesn’t sound the way it should. He misses how he sounds without anything interfering with him. He misses him sitting beside him. He misses who they were all those years ago. He hates who he became. He can’t stand that he pushed him away for so long.
“Good,” James sighs with relief. “That’s all I really wanted to say. I mean we don’t actually have to have a phone call today if you don’t want to.”
Regulus waits for a second. He wants to call him. He does. He wants to talk. No matter how strange it feels coming from his lips now. But he has something else he needs to do first, “Is Harry awake?”
James pauses, “I think? I don’t know he hasn’t come down but I thought I heard him a bit ago.”
“I’ll call you later,” Regulus says. “I promise.”
James hums shortly, “I’ve heard that before.”
His voice is lighthearted, nothing like it’s been the last few years. “Bye, James.”
“Bye, Reg.”
Nothing is fixed yet, but it’s a step in the right direction. They’re getting somewhere. It took so long to get here, maybe it shouldn’t feel as right as it does. Maybe Regulus shouldn’t be smiling as he hangs up the phone. He should allow the past to finally be past, but he can’t help what feels right. They’re going to make it work. He’s going to fight. It’s going to be fucking terrifying. He’s going to feel the urge to run, but he can’t. He can’t mess this up again.
It’s going to be okay.
It’s funny, he hasn’t thought that in a while.
Taking a breath he presses Harry’s name and listens to it ring.