There is Happiness
THREE MONTHS LATER
-Harry-
It’s been almost a year since he tried to set his parents up for the first time. He’s had his ups and downs with them since then. Not on purpose, of course. He didn’t mean to grow further away from him while trying to get them closer. He’s not mad at them by any means, he knows it's not their fault. They were trying even back then. To Harry, it seems easy. He sees their brokenness and wraps tape around it until it finally sticks. He thought he could fix it. All these months later of course he realizes he can’t fix anything. It’s not even his problem to fix. His parents did this to themselves. They ruined their marriage, and they have to be the ones to fix it.
The hopeful part of him thought they would themselves somehow. After the holiday they would reconnect and sparks would fly. He knew he wouldn’t interfere but that doesn’t mean nothing else can. He can now say that he was an idiot.
His phone goes off.
“Another one?” Luna asks, looking up from her notebook.
Harry sighs, “Yep.”
They’re at the school library. Harry doesn’t particularly want to be here but it’s better than his parents’ houses. They’ve never changed the way they act around him. They’re not being cruel and they don’t even mention each other. They don’t complain or force Harry to get in on whatever they’re planning. They leave him separate from them. He knows they’re trying to help him, and on the surface, he might think they’re doing a good thing. Though really now that he’s lived it he knows it isn’t. It’s not like they mentioned each other a lot before, but they at least acknowledged the other’s existence. No matter how forced. It’s been nine months of growing silent every time Harry even slightly mutters the other person's name. He’s sick of it.
“Why don’t you just answer?” Luna says, “I’m sure he’s just wondering when to pick you up.”
“I’ll walk,” Harry mutters.
Dad’s been texting him all day. He’s trying to get him to come home, apparently, he has something to talk to him about. He would feel anxious about it if he didn’t know his Dad so well. It’s probably something stupid. It’s not like Harry’s done anything worth discipline anyway. If it was his Papa he’d be worried but his Dad just gets like this sometimes.
Luna sighs, setting down her book, “Don’t you think you should give them a chance?”
“Who’s side are you on?” Harry scoffs.
“Yours,” She stresses. “Always yours.”
Harry sighs, “I’m not talking to them.”
“You can’t avoid them forever,” She shoves her book into her bag grabbing his arm to drag him up. “Come on.”
“Luna—“
She doesn’t reply. She gets like this a lot. She has to get her way and if you don’t give it to her she takes it. Harry’s gotten used to it, but it doesn’t stop him from pulling against her half the walk home. It’s not that far but it’s long enough that he contemplates all the ways he can avoid this conversation. Some are probably way more concerning than others. “Please,” he begs. “I don’t want to—“
“I’m tired of you being miserable,” She says.
“I’m not miserable!”
She glances over her shoulder, “You’re a bad liar, Harry.”
He gets that from his Dad. Yet another reason to hate him right now. As soon as the reach the house he feels guilt in his chest. He doesn’t want to avoid his parents this isn’t what he wants. It’s just what happened. He couldn’t help it. Maybe it was a way to punish them, or maybe it was a way to protect himself. From what? He’s not sure. The last time he actually spent time with Papa was his birthday. It was nice. It was normal. Harry still had the ring of his Dad in his ear though. He missed him when he wasn’t there. He still wants them together, no matter how disastrous it might end up. He’s just tired of fighting for them if they won’t fight for themselves.
As soon as they’re through the door Luna is calling out for him. “James,” she sings. “We’re home!”
“Stop it,” Harry whispers through gritted teeth. “You don’t—“
“We’re in here,” He calls back.
We’re.
Harry looks over at Luna and she’s looking as confused as him. When they step into the living room his Papa is there too, sitting on the other couch looking… comfortable?
“What the fuck.”
Dad sighs, “Language.”
Papa scoffs, “Why do you suddenly care about cursing?”
“I mean he’s—“
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Harry cuts him off.
Dad hides his face in his hands, “This was not the reaction we were hoping for.”
Papa laughs… like actually laughs. It’s soft and he’s got that affection in his eyes Harry hasn’t seen in a long time, not for his Dad anyway. There’s something between them now… he doesn’t understand it. What is going on? He looks over at Luna again and she’s smiling.
“Did you…”
She shrugs, “Nope.”
“It was supposed to be a nice surprise,” Dad says, looking back up at him.
Harry blinks, opening his mouth just to close it again, “What’s the surprise?”
“Don’t listen to your Dad he’s an idiot,” Papa says fondly. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“And you do?” Dad questions.
“Yes,” Papa says plainly. “I do.” He looks back over to Harry, “We’ve been talking.”
“On the phone anyway,” Dad adds.
“So you’re…” Harry trails off. “Together again?”
They look toward each other questions flying between the two of them. They’re talking in silence. Harry’s heard about it before but he’s never actually seen it. “We’re laying the groundwork,” Papa answers.
“What does that mean?” Harry questions. Still not moving from his spot. If he’s being honest he’s too shocked to move. This doesn’t feel real. It’s like his stuck in a dream of sorts. He wanted this for so long. He waited for it with a bated breath and now that it’s in front of him he doesn’t believe it.
“This is the first time we’ve actually seen each other in person,” Dad tells him. “So we haven’t actually started anything yet. We wanted to talk to you first.”
“We needed to know if we could actually work through everything” Papa elaborates. “If it didn’t work out we didn’t want to disappoint you.”
“So you’re asking me if I… what? Want you two together?” He asks.
He never really thought he’d see the day when he got the final say. He never thought he’d have a choice on whether his parents were together or not. He thought he was stuck with what he got.
“We want your input on it,” Papa nods. “We don’t want to do anything you—“
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“I want you together, yes.”
The two look at each other, biting back their smiles, “Okay,” Dad says. “Then we’ll…”
Luna grabs his arm and he suddenly remembers she’s still here. She smiles knowingly, “We’re going over to my house now. Leave you two to… discuss or whatever else you wanna do.”
Harry’s face curls up in disgust, “Luna, ew no I—“
She laughs, dragging his hand, “Let’s go.”
“Love you!” Dad calls out.
“I love you more!” Papa shouts.
“You always have to one-up me don’t you?” He hears his Dad say as he slips out of the door.
“You love me.”
He doesn’t get to hear the reply but he’s smiling when he leaves the house. Even if this is nine months after the fact and he wasn’t actually involved in the whole phone call business Harry is going to take all the credit for this. His parents are losers. They couldn’t be here without him.
-James-
With Regulus sitting in front of him now James can’t help but be… very confused about how he ended up here. He certainly didn’t intend to be sitting in front of his ex-husband feeling his heart thump with a love he swore was long gone. He’s gone insane and there’s only one person responsible for it.
“So…” He says trailing his words out. “Now that we’re together did you—“
Regulus jumps forward, knocking practically everything off the coffee table just to reach him. James laughs as he does, dragging him forward, tipping his head to reach his lips quicker. This is the first time they’ve kissed in nine months and James still didn’t forget the way it feels. It falls over him and he wants to hit his old self in the back of the head for waiting this long to do it again.
They’ve been going to a lot of therapy… a lot of therapy. It was an every-other-day thing for James, and Regulus was the same when he got started. They’ve done it together over the phone a lot too, trying to work through their past is harder than he thought it would be, and he thought it was going to be plenty hard. It’s more than just baggage. If it was only the past they could talk through it and apologize. Promise to do better and fight to make it a reality. But there’s a lot of fear in their past too. Even talking about it is scary. Letting someone else into their life. Showing their mistakes instead of hiding from them. It’s a lot. It’s hard.
They’ve still got a lot to work through too. It hasn’t all been fixed in these three months. Sometimes they spend entire sessions at each other's throats because one of them hits loose cords and it causes the other to spook. Sometimes they skip sessions altogether and force the other to sit and wait their hope slowly dripping down their throat. It hasn’t been great all the time. It hasn’t been great most of the time if he’s being honest. Though being miserable with Regulus is much better than being miserable without him, so James will take it. They always come back to it. They show up the next session with their tail beneath their legs and head tilted down. They mumble how much of an idiot they were being and put it all aside. They’ve been doing good. They’ve been trying.
There have been moments of doubt, in both of their heads, they’ve talked about it. They’ve mentioned it with guilt resting in their eyes. Sitting here now with Regulus on his lap James knows it’s worth the constant struggle. A love like theirs isn’t something they can just have. It’s something they have to work towards. A reward on all the hard days. Something to root for on all the good ones. A lover to come home to and a brush of comfort when one grows sad. Regulus’ hands tangle in his hair and for once he doesn’t feel like his sixteen. He feels like a thirty-something man who turned his ruined life around and captured his lost star. He feels all his history beneath his fingertips. He feels every brush of a scar, some inflected by his own two hands and others burned into his own skin. He’s not grateful for any of it. He’s not happy they’ve killed themselves in the hopes of growth. He would much rather the divorce never happen at all and they went on as they were. No matter how young they were they could’ve fought for what they had. They should’ve known it was something for the ages.
He’s not happy about the separation or the time apart. He doesn’t think they’re better people because of it, they’re just a little chipped. Two broken pieces that somehow broke in a way that allowed them to fit together again after their downfall.
“Missed you,” Regulus mumbles against his lips.
James melts at the words, he never thought he’d hear them spoken to him again. Especially not as soft. It’s not filled with misery or lined with a tragedy of their own making. It’s simple. It’s sweet. James kisses the words from his mouth trying to devour the sound of it.
Regulus pulls away, breaking a whine from James’ chest, “Aren’t you gonna say it back?”
“Really?” James questions, rubbing soft circles on his hip.
“We haven’t seen each other in nine months and I don’t even get an I miss you?” Regulus scoffs. “You just want me for my body.”
“You kissed me first!” James exclaims.
“That hardly matters,” Regulus mutters.
“You’re insufferable,” James tells him, though he’s smiling as he does it. “I missed you.” He takes Regulus’ face in his hands dragging him closer, “Happy?”
“Very,” Regulus kisses him again.
They can’t stay here very long. They have a meeting with the therapist in an hour, in person this time. It’s the first time she’s seen them together. Actually, it’s the first time she’s seen Regulus at all, he always does his meetings over the phone. He says it’s easier to talk to someone if they can’t see him. He feels like his exposed if they can. It wasn’t James’ idea to go today, he just assumed they’d do it over the phone but Regulus thought it was time to face the music. They’ll have to get there eventually, so why not do it now?
James lets out a surprised noise as Regulus twists them to be lying down, “We have the—“
“We have an hour,” Regulus kisses down his neck. “Let’s do something with it.”
“The place is half an hour away.”
“Twenty-five minutes,” Regulus mumbles, unbuttoning the top of his shirt.
James hesitates for a second, probably less than he should but, “Fuck it—“ he pulls Regulus back up to him. “But I swear if we’re late—“
“Shut up, James,” Regulus tugs on his hair.
They’re gonna be late.
~…~
“We’re late,” James pushes down the wrinkles on his shirt.
He looks over at Regulus expecting to find him smirking with a pleased twinge in his eye, instead, he’s pulling at the bottom of his shirt, his eyes flickering over the waiting room as if he’s afraid of something popping out and jumping him.
“Hey,” James says softly, collecting his hands in his. They’re not the same as they were when they were younger. There are many more calluses and broken skin James has yet to memorize, but it’s still him. There’s a certain comfort attached to it. “It’s going to be okay.”
Regulus gives him a pointed look, trying to yank his hand away, “Fuck off.”
“Reg,” James says, “Come on.” He collects his face in his hands, pulling him closer. “It’s going to be fine.”
Regulus blinks, “I know that.”
“Okay,” James says slowly. “I’ll be there the entire time.”
“Stop being so nice,” Regulus mumbles. “Aren’t you supposed to be mean to me?”
James laughs, “No, that’s what we’re in therapy for.”
Regulus rolls his eyes shoving him away, “I want a divorce.”
“We’ve already got one of those.”
“Then I want another one. “
“We’re not married,” James tells him. “And if one day we do get married I don’t particularly want to go through all of that again it was a pain in the ass.”
Regulus scoffs, “I’m glad I was an inconvenience for you.”
James sighs lightly, kissing the top of his head, “I love you too.”
“James and Regulus?” A call comes from deeper in the room. Minerva is an older woman and she doesn’t take anyones shit. Which is probably preferable to someone kind. James and Regulus need a mediator someone who will tell them to shut the fuck up and listen to each other. Of course, she does it more elegant than that but the point still stands. She’s what they needed.
Regulus goes still as soon as he hears their names get called. James tugs his arm forward into the back, making small talk with Minnie, James’ more personal name for her she rolls her eyes every time he says it but he can’t stop, as they go. She asks about Harry and if they’ve gotten up to anything over the weekend. They haven’t really, but that’s only because Harry got his stubbornness from his Papa, and learned how to use the silent treatment to his benefit. James has a lot to thank Regulus for. He doesn’t think their getting back together will fix anything they still need to talk with him when he gets home but hopefully, things can go back to normal, or as normal as they can given how weird this situation is.
James takes a seat on his side of the couch leading Regulus to the other, he scowls as he does but doesn’t fight him on it. If Minnie wasn’t here he probably would. It’s not that he hasn’t yelled at him during these sessions but considering this is the first time they’re in person it’s probably for the better if they don’t start it with bickering. They’ll have plenty of time for it later.
“It’s nice to see you both together,” Minnie says, shuffling around at the countertop in front of them. She always gives out tea at the beginning of the session, she knows James’ by heart already. “I’m afraid I don’t know what kind of tea you prefer, Regulus.”
“Earl Grey,” James answers before he can.
Minnie smiles softly, “It’s one of my favorites too.”
James can feel Regulus’ eyes on him as he grabs his hand. Though he doesn’t say anything, only a silent admirer. It’s a skill James is honestly surprised Regulus has. He bites his tongue instead of saying it out loud.
It doesn’t take long for Minnie to place the cups down and take her to sit in her chair, “You told Harry today right?”
James nods, “Right before we came.”
“How’d he take it?”
James looks over at Regulus and he’s still looking at him, he doesn’t say anything. James understands he talks for both of them. “He took it really well. He was a little shocked, I mean we all are, but he wants us together.”
“Good, I’m glad,” She says. “How are you adjusting to seeing each other in person?”
James shrugs, “It’s not as weird as I thought it would be. We haven’t seen each other for that long, a few hours at most but it already feels normal. Everything is as it should be.”
He was scared that once they met again things would collapse under their feet again. They’d realized they made a mistake and romanticized a time they shouldn’t. But he feels okay. More than okay really. Only time will tell if this will ever change, however. Their honeymoon phase may only last a short while before turning to something sinister. James isn’t wishing it upon them, and he wants to have hope. It’s still all mangled up in his head, he’s not sure how to think about Regulus without fear that their history is too much of a weight to bear. It’s why they’re here though. They’ll figure it out, he knows they will.
“And Regulus?” She asks, “How about you?”
Regulus swallows thickly with a breath, “Good.”
His response says silence throughout the room. Minnie’s expecting him to say something else but James knows he won’t. His hands are still in his lap, and his eyes keep flickering around the room. They never said this was going to be easy.
“Are you having any regrets?” She asks.
“No,” Regulus’ pulls a face. “Of course not.”
Minnie nods slowly, “Do you have anything you want to talk about in this session?”
Regulus takes a moment before he shakes his head, “Not in particular.”
Anyone else might think that Regulus isn’t trying at all. That he’s here only because James asked him to be. He won’t be a willing participant, and maybe James would’ve thought that too before. He would’ve scoffed and screamed at him to say something. Now he knows differently. Sitting here and forcing out words is Regulus trying. He’s in an uncomfortable spot, talking to someone he doesn’t know that well. It’s an adjustment and James knows he’ll get better at it one day. He’ll wait until he gets to that point. He’ll learn the skill of patience if he needs to.
“James?”
James looks away from the man before saying, “I don’t know. I guess I’m just wondering—we spent all this time leading up to this, seeing each other again. And now we’re here I just don’t know what’s next.”
“Well, that’s kinda up for you to decide,” She tells them. “You’ve got your meetings with me to make sure everything continues to go as smoothly as it can, but other than that I can’t tell you. Take the lead, what do you want to do?”
James looks over at Regulus and for the first time in a long time, he’s not scared about what they’ll do to each other. Even if something happens he knows they’ll be able to work through it. If they can fix things after seven years they sure as hell can dance through whatever storm life decides to throw at them. Regulus meets his eyes and James knows he’s thinking the same thing. He can finally say they’ll be okay without lying through his teeth. Long gone are the nights sitting up at the kitchen table wondering if the other will come home at all.
“I’ve got a few ideas,” he ends up saying.
Regulus smiles.
-Regulus-
“So,” James trails off, as soon as they pull into his driveway. They drove together when they went to therapy, after all this time they didn’t want to be apart anymore. “I guess I’ll—“
“Oh come on,” Regulus scoffs, opening his door, “You know I’m coming inside.”
“You are?”
“It’s my house,” Regulus says simply, stealing James’ keys out of his hand. No, it hasn’t been his house in many years, but he was involved in the picking process. He did have the final say whether he liked it or not. He decorated most of it since James’ taste was awful and he wanted to fill the whole place with ugly cheap posters. He loves him and everything but they were horrid.
James laughs but doesn’t argue with him, “Alright. You can stay the night.”
“I wasn’t asking for your permission,” Regulus smiles, unlocking the door. “Harry? You home?” He calls out.
“Yes!” Luna shouts back.
Regulus shakes his head, “I’m gonna call Pandora and tell her Luna is our daughter now. She’s at our houses more than her own.”
James shrugs, dragging his arms around Regulus’ waist, “I would be okay with that. She’s half of the reason we’re back together.”
“That would imply that we had nothing to do with it,” Regulus says.
James nods, “That’s right.”
Well… he can’t really fight him on it. If it weren’t for Harry and Luna Regulus would’ve never considered even talking to James again. He was infuriating, and still is, but now Regulus just says it in a loving way. It’s all better now. Looking around he notices all that’s changed. He hasn’t really looked around before, always too focused on James. Most of his decorations are gone off the walls. After all that time and planning this is what James leaves him, impossible.
“You need to redecorate?” Regulus says pushing himself out of his grasp, he walks around pointing out everything that’s new. “You’ve never been one for interior design.”
James just smiles, “I should’ve known you’d insult me at some point tonight.”
“Well if I won’t who will?” Regulus asks, gently kissing him on the cheek. He walks off to the bedroom, “This isn’t any good either.”
“And why’s that?”
“Needs to be upstairs,” he says. “And this bedding is a disaster.”
James walks them to the end of the bed before pushing them down onto it. Hovering above him he kisses right above Regulus’ collarbone, “You are impossible.”
Regulus pulls him up to his lips, “You love me.”
“I do.”
“And you’re gonna give me whatever I want,” Regulus smirks.
James shakes his head lightly, murmuring, “Of course, baby.”
Regulus kisses him again and he's sure he's exactly where he wants to be.
~…~
When he wakes up James isn’t beside him and suddenly Regulus hates him again. Can you blame him? It’s the first night they’ve actually spent together since their reconciliation and yet James decided to get up without him. Leaving him with nothing but the cold side of the bed and the sun breaking over his eyes disrupting his nice sleep. He was dreaming too. He hasn’t done that in such a long time. He can’t remember what it was exactly, but he thinks James was there. Too bad he’s not here though.
Grumbling he rolls over to his side of the bed, pushing his face into the pillow. There’s no guilt eating away at him like the last time. He feels perfectly content to stay here forever. Wrapped in James’ sheets and sprawling out like a cat in the sun. He ends up getting up though, despite how cold James keeps the house once he hears voices from just outside the door. They’re hushed as if they’re trying to keep him asleep. Regulus has never really been that deep of a sleeper so it doesn’t really help. It got worse when Harry was little. Regulus was always the one to wake up when he had a nightmare while James snored beside him blissfully ignorant of everything going down. Regulus watched him as he slept a lot of the time too. Watching his chest rise and fall, or how he curled against him when he was deep in sleep and had no control over his limbs.
Tiptoeing outside the room he’s met with James singing softly in the kitchen, a sight so soft he’s almost afraid it’ll break. It might not be real at all. Harry is at the island, his head on the table as he fights to be in the grasp of sleep. Luna’s beside him, talking animately as he grumbles along, not caring at all that he wants to be anywhere but here.
“What are you doing?” Regulus asks.
James turns to him, confusing lining his face, “Making breakfast?”
Regulus blinks, “And you left me in bed because?”
“You were sleeping,” James says, “I wasn’t going to wake you.”
“Why not?”
James hesitates, “You wanted me to wake you up?”
“I didn’t like waking up alone,” Regulus snips. “You should’ve known that.”
“Well I—“
“Can we not fight this early in the morning?” Harry mumbles, pushing his head further into his arms. “You guys are so annoying.”
“Love you,” James calls back.
Harry grumbles, “Hate you.”
James turns to Regulus again, “He gets that from you.”
Regulus shrugs, kissing him quickly, “I do try.” Walking over he ruffles Harry’s hair, “You’re having a good morning?”
Harry pushes him off, “Hate you too.”
James puts his hands up, “I had nothing to do with that.”
Regulus laughs with a scoff, “And I believe you.”
He takes a seat next to him and they continue their morning with silence. It’s simple. It’s so easy for it to be the first time since their marriage. They haven’t sat around in the morning together since Harry was six, and yet they’ve fallen back into the routine. James brings Regulus over a cup of tea without him even needing to ask for it, and music floats around the room in a gentle hush. It’s like being lost in a memory Regulus hardly remembers ever living. Back when they were married they had mornings like this. With Harry running all over the house, and begging them to let him help cook. He’d sit up on his step stool and mix the batter until he was covered in it. He’d then run away whenever they tried to get him to clean up, like it was some sort of game. They’d get to the table breathless and sweaty. There was so much laughter back then too. They couldn’t get through a morning without smiles resting gently on their lips.
Now Harry is grumpy as all teenagers are, and Luna has joined them to tell them weird facts about anything and everything. James is still the same cooking breakfast and forcing all of them to listen to his music whether it’s good or not. And Regulus is sitting watching him, blinking slowly as he wonders how he got here. He’s not sure if it’s an awe or confusion, maybe it’s just a mixture of both.
“Harry, can you set the table?” James asks.
Harry doesn’t answer, either lost in sleep or pretending to be. It’s eight, Regulus will give him a break. When he’s back at his he doesn’t get up until at least eleven on the weekends, and even then it takes him a while to become him. He stands up in his place, “I’ve got it.”
“Thank you,” James says softly.
Everything is exactly where it was the last time Regulus used it. If not just a little different. He got different bowls and the mugs are all different, none from their former life are left standing. He grabs four plates before walking over to the dining room. As soon as he breaks through the doorway he pauses… oh.
Sitting on the table is the vase Regulus picked out over a decade ago when they first moved into the house. It’s sat empty for years now. Regulus is sure James hasn’t filled it with flowers while he was gone, but now there are sunflowers resting inside of it. Regulus’ favorite.
Setting the plates down he reaches out to touch the petals, as if it’s some illusion of some kind. James bought him flowers. He filled the vase after all this time. A hollow part of Regulus’ chest is overcome by something without a name. His heart swells at the very sight. Turning back around he marches over to the stove, but once he reaches him everything falls away. He has no words to say. He can’t believe James made him bloody speechless, this is impossible.
“Yeah?” James asks softly, as if he doesn’t know what Regulus just saw.
Pulling him down Regulus kisses him, because he has no words to say, because he can. They’re soaring throughout time. To the first time James ever brought him flowers and every time after. It’s like nothing has changed. For so long James was a bitter piece of Regulus’ history. A part he wanted to toss away and light a match to burn. Now he needs James like the air in his lungs and the water he needs to survive.
“Oh god,” Harry groans. “That’s even worse.”
When Regulus pulls away to face him he’s covering his face and Luna is laughing at him, silently giving them a thumbs up. He shakes his head, looks back, and finds James still looking at him, “I love you.” And he means it. Every single word.
“I love you too.”
“Stop it,” Harry stumbles out of his chair walking into the dining room. “Stop talking. Stop looking at each other. Just stop.”
“You asked for this!” James calls.
“I change my mind!” Harry yells back.
Regulus is smiling as he looks at James, and he’s smiling too. Somehow in all of this, they’ve begun again. Not by ignoring their past or pressing on bruises until they bleed, but by embracing it. Regulus hates James, and that might never go away, but he loves him more. It’s burrowed in his chest, and tattooed on his lungs. No matter what happened in the past. The names called and haunting fights they’re here now. Fighting harder than they ever had to be something more than an open grave. And they will be. Regulus knows.