aim for my heart (go for blood)

-REGULUS-

The last day comes with a shock. Regulus knew it was coming and yet he can’t believe he’s standing there once it does. They haven’t spent the entire two weeks here, of course, but it’ll be better if James can be at home for a little while. He can barely move with his leg and is pretty much bedridden most of the time. Regulus being there probably isn’t helping him, he’s pretty much been crying every time he comes into the room, it makes his headache worse. He keeps telling Regulus to stay, but he can’t. He always leaves, slipping out when James is asleep for he doesn’t have to watch him go. He’s trying to be kind to him, and it’s not even as hard as he thought it would be. That’s one of the most surprising things about the time passing. Being there for James and taking care of him isn’t hard, it comes second to breathing now. He knows he’s a bit more difficult, he’s not exactly great around people, but James is so easy. How could he have not seen that before? 

He tends to set himself upstairs, lingering by the doorway in case James ever calls for him. And he does, to be fair, for anything and everything pretty much. He only walks around when he needs to go to the bathroom and he needs someone to lean on to get there. Regulus always volunteers. He can’t help but try to steal every part of him he can. He knows tomorrow they’ll say goodbye again, standing outside of the house that once held their life. He’s taking back everything he can now. Not picking any arguments knowing if he does they’ll push each other away and won’t speak for hours, maybe days. They don’t have that kind of time anymore. 

A part of him thinks if they talk they can work it through, but the louder part tells him he thought that back then too. He didn’t talk back then and he’s not going to talk right now. He knows the struggle might be worth it, but he can’t guarantee they won’t turn out the same way. He goes over this so much it all gets tangled up in his head, he’s not really sure what to do. 

He calls Pandora. 

He crept out to the sea so no one could overhear him. James is asleep and probably will be for at least an hour. Regulus knows his schedule by now. Plus it’s pretty early still. He’ll be fine. Pandora, thankfully, is always awake no matter the time and answers on the second ring.
“I’ve been waiting for your call,” she says. “I didn’t think it would take this long. I’ll go get my shoes—“ 

“Pandora,” Regulus calls out, pausing as the tide rolls over his feet. “I’m not calling for you to bail me out.” 

“Oh?” 

He swallows thickly, “I need you to convince me not to ask for him back.” The words echo in his ears, it’s almost like he isn’t the one saying them at all. He would’ve never guessed he’d be here by the end of the holiday. He thought one of them would be dead, but not this. Never this. All that baggage hasn’t gone away, it can’t, not without forgiveness, and Regulus isn’t sure if he’s there yet. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be, but James’ whimpers are lining his ears. He misses him and Regulus is back to wanting to give him everything. He knows it’s not good for either of them. Diving head first in a relationship isn’t something he ever wants to do again. He doesn’t have a plan. It’s not going to work out, he knows that. He has to stop it before it begins. 

Pandora falls silent. He doesn’t even know if he should be going to her about this. If he should be going to anyone. It might’ve been better just to keep it to himself. Hide it underneath every layer of skin, or stick it between his ribs. It’s what he did before, when everything was falling apart that is. Maybe that shows growth, or maybe it’s just foolishness. He’s just so tired of holding up this weight all by himself. Letting go with James was the hardest thing he’s had to do, and it’s still not fully okay, not everything is out, and it might never be. But it was good, for that moment at least. 

“Can we go back?” Pandora asks, “Where did this even come from? You hated him when you left?” 

“Yeah,” Regulus mumbles, starting to pace again. “I don’t know. I don’t know what it was. All we were doing was fighting but then his parents came and tried to get us talking again, at least for Harry’s sake. And I don’t even blame them, but we talked and…” his voice trails off. “It didn’t go the way we expected it to.”
“Ah,” Pandora already knows. Of course, she does. “Was he good at least?”
“Dora,” Regulus sighs. 

“What!” He can almost hear her smile, “It’s just a question.” 

“He was fine,” Regulus pushes out quickly. “It was fine. We ignored it after it happened but he got in this accident and Pandora I—I’ve never been that scared before.” 

Growing up his home wasn’t kind. It was a terrifying place to live in. He’d wake with bruises and watch blood trip to the tile every time he showered, but even that was easier on his heart. Getting that call, and seeing James in that hospital bed shook him in a way nothing else had. He felt himself losing something he didn’t even have a firm grip on in the first place. He fully realized what losing James meant and it did something to him. He never cared before, or at least he thought he didn’t. But that’s the thing. No matter how far away from James he got he knew he was always connected to him in some way. Yes, that made him angry, it made him furious. Deep down though, it brought him peace too. He knew if he ever needed him he could get him, or at the very least see him, even if they were fighting. It was his safety net. He shouldn’t have it anymore. It’s selfish of him to keep hold of it. 

She waits for him to speak but he almost wishes she would say something instead. He wants her to tell him he’s being an idiot. To yell at him for going and falling for James’ tricks a second time. He wants her to reassure him he’s right in thinking he’s going to break his heart again. She doesn’t. She waits. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Regulus turns back to the house, his eyes falling on the window of their room, or what used to be their room that is. The curtains are closed and even if they weren’t he knows he couldn’t actually see James through them, still, he looks. “Every time I look at him I’m just brought back there. He apologized, what am I supposed to do with that? He apologized and cried. He meant it. I don’t know if I can take that, and I don’t even know if I want to. I’m just… I miss him and I hate him and those can’t be possible at the same time.” 

“You still love him don’t you?” Pandora murmurs, her voice soft and filled with pity. It curls in his throat and pushes until he’s gagging on it. 

“No.” He knows it’s a lie by the way it drips down his throat. He feels it leak into his chest, and it aches, it hurts. He feels like a little kid again, too small to handle the pain. “I swear I don’t.”
“Reg,” Pandora whispers. 

He wants to throw his phone and watch it get lost in the tide. He hates to hear the tone of her voice, like he’s delicate. He knows what he wants, but at the very same time, he knows nothing. He wants James but he wants him to burn at the same time, he wants him consumed by ash. 

“I’m not in love with him,” Regulus tells her. 

“But you love him, don’t you?” 

He pauses. He supposes, yes, those are two different things. Being in love and loving. He could love someone without being in love with them. But this isn’t just someone, this is James they’re talking about. He can’t love James without being in love with him. He can’t love him casually. It’s a big crater sitting in the middle of his chest. It’s a weight on his shoulders. It’s big and loud, he can’t fucking see through it. That’s what loving James is. He can’t have one or the other. He has to have both. 

“I don’t know,” he says. “Tell me how I feel.”
Pandora laughs softly, “Do you honestly want to know what I think?” 

He really doesn’t. “Yes.” 

“I don’t think you ever fell out of love with him,” she tells him, and she means every word. “You hated him. I won’t deny that, I could see it. You grew to hate him. You couldn’t be around each other, but there was always love there. That did not go away not when you started to fight, and not when you got your divorce. You loved him then and you love him now.”
“That’s not fair,” Regulus mumbles, but he’s not sure if he can argue with her. The worst part is he knows she’s telling him the truth. He’s still in love with James. He never stopped. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t fix anything. It just makes it hurt more. 

Love isn’t enough to save them. Love isn’t enough period. There’s so much more that goes into a relationship. He can love James and that won’t be enough to break passed all the history shared between them. Even with love, this is all they have. He looks back at the house and he wants to run to him. He’s in love with him, but he can’t. Maybe he never could. Even if James accepted the embrace, even if he kissed away his tears and soothed his scars. It wouldn’t be enough. 

“I know it isn’t,” Pandora says softly. 

The tide goes out another time, and Regulus feels it in his chest. This was his great love. The one to talk about through the ages. This was it. When they broke up Regulus thought he could find someone else, they would be able to fix the mess he’d become. But his mess isn’t anyone else’s to fix. He can’t bring someone else into this life, he doesn’t even want to. He wants to say it’s James’ mess. He wants to say that he’s the one who has to pay for it, but he can’t. This isn’t James’ weight to bear it’s Regulus’ instead. He needs to somehow fill this deep hole inside his chest, he’s the only person who can fix it. Even if he has no idea how. 

“I have to go,” he hears himself say, and he hangs up before she can say anything else. 

He walks up back to the house without really knowing where he’s going. He doesn’t have a plan. He should. He shouldn’t go up to James without one, he knows what happened last time. They’re not as young as they used to be, and everything is so much heavier than it’s ever been, but it’s their last day here together. They might as well spend it the way they both want to. 

Sun drips into the room from the open window as soon as he walks in. James is sitting by the window sill, he puts his hands up as soon as he sees him, “If you tell me to get back into that bed I swear to god—“ 

Regulus shakes his head, “You need to rest.” 

“I’m sitting down!” James argues. “I am resting.” 

Regulus sighs, but he doesn’t fight him on it anymore, he takes a seat at the edge of the bed instead. Looking at him like it’ll be the last time. He’s aged a lot since their wedding, but he’s still as beautiful as ever. “You know what’s going to happen tomorrow, yeah?” 

James doesn’t look back at the sea, he’s staring directly into him as he says, “We’ll say goodbye and that’ll be that.” He repeats, keeping his voice light. “No point in anything else.” 

These last two days have been… a lot. They’ve talked a lot, or at least a decent amount. They haven’t been avoiding each other, but more than anything in their exhaustion they’ve let go a bit. They bicker, they always do, but their anger is only skin deep. They don’t really have it in them to fight for hours on end, or to hold a grudge almost a decade old. It’ll only kill them in the end. 

“Right,” Regulus nods. He should leave. He knows he should, but he can’t stop looking at him. Back when they ended things the first time they spent their last night together, tangled in sheets and soothing broken skin, hiding away their teeth. They never considered the night before their divorce to be the last, it came way earlier than that. The night they decided they needed one in the first place. James was the first one to kiss him that time, it tasted like salt and Regulus started crying too. It was soft. They hadn’t had something like that in a long time. Right after it happened Regulus ran. He put his fences back up and pretended like it never happened, but it did. James knows it too. Regulus can tell he’s thinking about it. He can see it. 

He never regretted that night. He probably should’ve. It was an open wound. The showing of weakness. But he couldn’t help it, he wanted to keep a piece of James. He wanted to carry him with him. Back then he thought that night would lead them to a forever without each other. It didn’t, of course, they’re here now, aren’t they? They found each other again through all of this. There’s still love despite all of it. And it still doesn’t mean anything. 

Keeping his movements slow Regulus steps up to the windowsill. This time he’s the first one to lean in and he knows this is the last time. 

“Reg,” James whines, his tears washing down his face. Regulus is crying too. 

“I’m sorry,” He whispers back, wiping away James’ tears like it’ll soothe any of the pain. “Baby, I’m so sorry.”
James takes his face in his hands, pushing him closer. If Regulus closes his eyes hard enough it’s like he’s still back at that night. It never ended. It’s a continuous loop. He’ll always end up back here. Time does nothing to heal old wounds. He’ll never forget James no matter how hard he may try. He’ll never get away from the sound of the man who loved him.

He hopes James knew that he loved him back then. He hopes he knows he loves him now too. He doesn’t want to become a ghost clinging to his history, he wants to be there. Though he knows he can’t be. It wouldn’t be good for either of them, it would only destroy them in the long run. They can’t go back to the way they were, and they can’t become something new. They’re forever destined to be stuck in this same position. Pushing and pulling at each other until one of them comes undone. Regulus doesn’t want that for them. He can’t do it. 

Pulling away he puts their foreheads together. He feels young again, “You’re an asshole.” 

James laughs wetly, “I learned it from you.” 

Allowing his head to drop he kisses right where his neck meets his shoulder, trailing his lips up to his jaw. “Can’t you let go of me?” 

“I’m sorry,” James whispers softly, but Regulus is sure he doesn’t mean it. 

He takes his lips again, trying to disappear inside of him. Maybe if he does he won’t feel this pain anymore. Maybe he’ll destroy both of them at once. 

He ends up on James’ lap, careful of his leg, trying to find someplace to crawl inside of him. They spend a lot of the day there. Most of the time they’re not even doing anything, just sitting there, thinking about what’ll happen when they leave here. 

At the beginning of this holiday Regulus would’ve hated himself for ending up here, and maybe he’ll hate himself once he leaves it. He’ll realize he walked right into the devil's arms. It feels like a trap now, but he’s already stuck within it. It’s digging into his heel. He’s bleeding out and he doesn’t even care, James licks his open wounds anyway. 

It’ll be good for them to get away from each other. They were built for nothing but self-destruction even if it hurts. He’s dreamt up so many what-ifs and asked every question he could, but it never lead him anywhere. None of it really mattered. 

“I’m sorry we didn’t work out in this lifetime,” James whispers. 

More tears leak from Regulus’ eyes as he takes a sharp breath, “I’m sorry too.” 

There’s not much to say after that. 

-JAMES-

Regulus got up early to pack the car. James didn’t have the chance to wake up next to him one last time. His body searched for him in his sleep, he ended up curled in the warmth he left behind. It’s pathetic, he knows, but he can’t help it. Everything’s gone all turned around. He’s not sure when the break happened. He wants to still hate Regulus. That’s the thing. He doesn’t want his anger gone. It would be so much easier to hide behind it. No matter how much he calls out for it, or begs on his knees for it to take him over again it never comes. It’s hiding away from him, and he’s too tired to search for it. 

Harry shows up in the doorway after a while, “Papa told me to help you down.”

James can’t help but feel a little disappointed that Regulus isn’t the one up here right now, it’s already begun. He’s already pushing him away. He nods, “Can you grab a shirt for me?” He asks, “Your Papa should’ve left one.”
Quickly Harry runs over to the closet, and James was right there was only one thing left, “Isn’t this..?” He trails off. 

James blinks, reaching out for it. “It’s mine now. His fault for leaving it with me.” 

Harry scoffs lightly, throwing it over, “You’re both impossible.” 

There’s a lightheartedness that’s been missing for a while now. Harry spent a lot of time in James’ room recently, always asking if he needs anything. There’s still that guilt, but it’s getting better, at least a little. “Oh yeah I know,” James says, quickly tugging the shirt on. “Now can you hand me the crutches?” 

“Papa said—“
“I don’t care what he says,” James says, “I’ve got this.” 

Harry gives him a pointed look, “Alright, whatever you say.”

Keeping him on the second floor may have not been the best idea. Harry laughs at him his whole way down. Always sticking around in case he falls but really all James does is hit him with one of the crutches with every step he takes. Regulus is standing by the front door, Luna laughing behind him. He has his arms crossed and an annoyed look on his face, it’s soft though, he’s not actually upset. “James,” he warns. 

“Hey, Reg,” James smiles teasingly, “You ready to go?”
“You’re going to kill yourself one of these days,” Regulus grumbles, grabbing the last of their bags. 

“You’ll put flowers on my grave won’t you?” 

Regulus scoffs, “I’ll put something on it.” 

Harry walks in front of them, calling back, “Be nice.”
“I am being nice!” James argues. He's laughing and it’s overtaken by the salty air. He feels okay for the first time in a while. It’s not that he spent these last seven years depressed out of his mind. He’s been happy, but he hasn’t felt like this. It’s been so long since he has. 

Regulus looks at him, only now revealing a certain tragedy in between his eyelashes. James’ chest aches. He knows he wants to say something but he can’t move. James doesn’t know what to say either. He wants to grab his hand, but Regulus is already slipping away before he can. 

There’s not much to say about the ride, not a lot happens. Harry and Luna are the only ones really talking and they’re not really trying to force James and Regulus into talking with them. Regulus keeps glancing over to the passenger side but it never leads anywhere. It doesn’t do anything. 

Their last night was their goodbye. They should’ve left it at that. There’s no purpose for them being here right now. This is why they fight. They have no purpose if they aren’t. They’re not going to end up together. None of this even mattered. James spends most of his time looking over at Regulus, trying to remember all of it. Memories always grow hazy with time. There’s nothing you can do about it. Time doesn’t just heal wounds it distorts minds as well. James jumps throughout time a lot, especially now. He hasn’t been in a car with Regulus for this long of a time in years. He can’t help but feel younger. And maybe that’s why he’s feeling all of this again. All these big emotions surrounding him are the fault of simple nostalgia. He so badly wants to blame it on that. Even if he knows it isn’t true. 

It’s not like he can say anything though, at least not while the kids are in the car, and when they get back home there’s not going to be much. A goodbye and nothing more. He looks away, back out the windshield. None of this is fair. 

The song skips and “Sparks" by Coldplay starts to play. 

James looks in the rearview mirror to find Harry smiling to himself. James shakes his head, “Harry.” 

“What?” Harry asks innocently. 

James looks back over at Regulus, and he glances back at him. For that moment it’s like they’re stuck in a dream. James is holding his hand out to him in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by all their friends and yet alone at the same time. Regulus is rolling his eyes, though even he can’t deny they weren’t misty. They spent the entire night out there. No one could get them to sit down. They regretted in the morning of course when they woke up unable to move. But it was their night. They wanted it to last a lifetime. They really thought they had it. 

Sometimes James thinks about going back to his younger self. Having to sit him down and tell him about this, he doesn’t know how that conversation would go if he’d be screamed at. Called out for ruining his life. Or if his younger self would sit in silence, stewing over everything wrong in his life wondering what the final break was. James doesn’t know himself very well. He thought he was a good husband. He’s not. He may have never been. 

There’s a phantom touch wrapped around his neck as the song goes on. He can almost feel Regulus resting right next to him. He can feel the warmth of him surrounding him. He can feel him in his chest. Even now he’s still stuck on him. There’s nothing he can do to fix it either. He thinks he might be like this forever on the other side of Regulus’ string. 

For the rest of the ride, Harry plays his own music, no longer trying to pull something out of them. Though James still feels his guts leaking out of him. He can feel his heart underneath the floor of the car. They pull up to the house faster than he wanted them to, even though it’s been probably too long to be stuck in a car with Regulus. 

“I’ll help you in,” Regulus mumbles, shutting off the car. 

James nods, looking back over to the kids, “I’ll see you—“ 

“Yeah yeah,” Harry waves him off, his eyes glued to Luna’s phone. “Later.” 

James laughs shortly before getting out, Regulus is already there waiting for him. They decided Harry would stay with him for a little bit. Well, Harry was in the conversation of course, and he agreed. It’s just harder for James to get up and about right now. It’ll be better if Regulus took over for now. He gets to the door alright enough though, and he’s sure he can get through to the house without Regulus’ help but he’s there anyway.
“Are you still up on the second floor?” Regulus asks, keeping his eyes on him. He’s trying not to look around, James can tell. Though whether it’s because of the pain it’ll cause or if he’s afraid of overstepping he’s not exactly sure. 

“I moved to the room down here,” James says softly. He moved rooms as soon as Regulus left. The day after he got all his stuff out. He couldn’t stand being in that room without all of Regulus’ things. It didn’t feel whole. It didn’t feel like his anymore. 

“Oh okay good,” Regulus mumbles. “You can get there alright?”
James nods, “Yeah I’ll be fine.”
“Good.” He still doesn’t move. His eyes locked in the same position, unable to move. “I’ll just—“
“Wait,” James pulls him back, almost tripping over himself. “Can you come here for a second?” 

“We said when we—“ 

“We said today,” James cuts him off. “It’s still today, come on, cut me some slack.” 

Regulus looks back at the door, then sighs and steps forward, “You’re ridiculous.” 

James jumps forward and takes his lips as his own. He knows it’s a slippery slope. It feels like a relapse of some kind. After being so clean for so long he can’t help but feel guilty about it. But he can’t help it. He wants to keep Regulus here for as long as he can. He wants to pretend that a simple kiss can make everything better. He used to think that. Back then he used to believe in a lot of things. He thoughts dreams told him things he needed to know. The first night he met Regulus he dreamt of him, and he thought it was fate. He thought it meant something. He doesn’t believe in that stuff anymore, of course. Now he knows it’s just his mind playing tricks on him. 

“This was a stupid idea,” Regulus whispers against his lips as he pulls away. 

“When have we ever had a good idea?” James mumbles. 

Regulus goes quiet for a second, “Harry?”
“Yes, well we had one,” James sighs. That’s the only reason he would go through and do this all again. If only to have him. Harry’s the best thing in James’ life. He’s the only thing he can thank Regulus for.
“You’ll take care of yourself?” Regulus asks. 

“I thought you wanted me dead?” James jokes.
Regulus doesn’t laugh, “Just tell me you will.”
“Of course,” James says. “Only if you do.” 

Regulus shakes his head, “I guess I’ll text you when it’s time for Harry to come back.”
“Okay.” They’re back to short conversations and James longs for a past they’ve barely walked away from. 

Regulus pauses for a moment, his eyes stuck on something behind him. It’s gone in a second. James doesn’t even have the chance to turn around. He walks over to the door, his hand on the handle, “Goodbye, James.” 

“Bye, Reg,” James whispers. 

The door shuts and that’s that. There’s nothing much else to say. Regulus is gone. James doesn’t go to the window to watch him drive off. He can’t bring himself to, even if he could get over the in time. Turning back around he’s met with the sight that caused Regulus to freeze. An empty vase sitting on the dining room table. It’s always been there. James didn’t really think about it that much. It’s one of the few things he’s left behind from their marriage. He didn’t even have a strong connection to it. He thought it was innocent enough. Now he knows how wrong he was. 

He hasn’t seen flowers in it in a long time. It’s not like he has any reason to buy them now. There’s no one to buy them for, and yet now he finds himself wanting to go to the nearest store and pick some up. Hell drive out to a field and hand pluck them from the dirt. He wants to replace the flowers that once died of thirst in this very room. 

The war that hung over their heads back then was long. It echoed in the hallways of this place begging for something to be fixed. The rain came down as they drowned each other. It was everything all at once but even when James couldn’t breathe it was better than this. He would rather have a blade than nothing. He would rather Regulus tell him he hates him every single day than tell him nothing at all. And maybe that’s something he has to work out with himself. Maybe that’s something he needs to change, but if he’s being honest he doesn’t mind. He wants Regulus to destroy him because at least then he’ll get to see him. 

He’s clean now. He’s not sure if he was before. It’s confusing even for him. He’s let go of Regulus for maybe the first time but he still misses him. He still wants to chase after him. He may not be angry anymore, but the anger was the best part. Now he just feels sad. He feels weak. He doesn’t see a point. 

He takes a seat at the table with the flowerless vase right in front of him and he thinks about Regulus. He thinks about all the wrong roads they took, and the arguments they started. He tries to hate him again. He tries to go back to the way things were. But he can’t. He can’t do anything but sit and stare. 

He’s right back where he started.