What If I Never Love Again?
-JAMES-
Regulus is driving James insane.
“Reg please,” he calls out.
“The Doctor—“
“The Doctor doesn’t know anything,” James says, “Please just let me—“
“No.”
He hasn’t even been home a full day and the novelty of having Regulus worrying over him has already worn off. Now all that’s left is the overwhelming urge to squeeze his neck until it snaps. It’s getting ridiculous at this point. At first, everything was fine, well not fine but at least bearable. Regulus drove at a snail's speed home and refused to even let James speak or put on music so it was just quiet. Maybe if they were younger that silence could be nice, they used to sit in silence all the time but this kind of silence made him want to gouge his eyes out just for the fun of it. As soon as he got home Regulus watched him like a hawk as he walked up to the front door. He wouldn’t let him so much as step wrong on his good leg. He didn’t even let Harry say hi before whisking him off to bed. He keeps using the Doctor as an excuse for everything. James is exhausted and it’s hardly afternoon, he’s just been lying here. He can’t use a screen or do anything for that matter. Harry came to talk to him for a bit but he made the mistake of telling him about the headache he was getting and Regulus somehow overheard and sent him off. He really doesn’t think he can take three days of this. He might just kill himself to get it over with.
Regulus isn’t even in the room most of the time, not that James wants him there but he’s getting bored. There’s only so much sleep a person can take. All he wants to do is call Sirius but he’s not allowed his phone. It’s torture, he swears Regulus is doing this on purpose just to make his life hell. “Reg!”
“Shut up, James!”
He groans back into his pillow. He would’ve just preferred to stay in the hospital. Even with all the noise that kept him up at least he had Doctors taking care of him. He likes them better than Regulus. He’s dealt with this before, Regulus being uptight when he was sick but when they were together it was different. It wasn’t all of this all the time Regulus did stay with him eventually. It was way easier to sleep back then too.
Eventually, Regulus comes back into the room with a bowl of soup in his hands. James isn’t that kind of sick, he really can eat normal food. But he doesn’t say anything as he puts it on the nightstand, “Eat.”
James sighs, sitting up he pulls a face, “It’s tomato.”
“Yes?”
“I hate tomato soup,” James says, “You know that.”
Regulus blinks, “Okay?”
James hates this man with every fiber of his being. “You did this on purpose.”
“Just eat it, James,” Regulus tells him.
“No,” James crosses his arms. “I don’t want it.”
“You’re acting like a four-year-old,” Regulus points out. “I didn’t have to make you anything at all.”
“I’ll make something myself let me get out—“
“No.”
“Why not!”
Regulus sighs, “The Doctor said not to get out of bed for at least the first day.”
“So tomorrow you’ll let me go?”
“No.”
James throws his hands up, “Of course not.”
Regulus stares at him for a long time, probably too long. James doesn’t even think he realizes he’s doing it. He looks back of course, as if it’s some kind of showdown. He sees questions lining the edges of Regulus' eyes, but he’s not sure of their meaning. He can’t help but think about this vacation wrapping up to an end. They’ll only be staying here three more days, or at least that’s what Regulus told him. Then he’ll be let out of bed and left to his own defenses, well after Regulus drives him home that is. Another thing James really doesn’t understand. Any of his friends would drop anyone to bring him home, but Regulus seems pretty set in his ways he’s honestly scared of going against him right now.
“You can take medicine again now if you need it,” Regulus says.
He keeps doing that. Dropping his voice soft and trying to take care of him. “I’m fine for right now.”
Regulus nods, “Tell me if you need anything.” He starts walking to the door. The funny thing is he doesn’t even sound upset about it. He sounds like he once did, like they’re still younger. He could take advantage of this. It’s not like Regulus wouldn’t if he was in this situation.
“Hey, Reg?”
Regulus turns back around, “Yeah?”
“Could I make one phone call?” Regulus grits his teeth, James can tell he's getting ready to say no. “Just one. And you can set it all up if you want I won’t even look at the screen.”
Regulus pauses, “Eat your soup and I’ll consider it.”
“But—“
“That’s my final offer.”
James looks over to the soup, he’s hated it ever since he was younger. He doesn’t even like tomatoes, but he takes it in his hands anyway, begrudgingly taking a spoonful. It’s vile. He hates the way it sits on his tongue, “It tastes like shit.”
“Good,” Regulus turns swiftly out of the room.
The thing about sitting hear in silence is there’s not much to do besides think. And being in this room makes him only think about one person in particular, he’s not really happy about it but Regulus is all that’s in his mind right now. They haven’t really fought since the accident, or at least not in a bad way. They’ve just bickered, and they did it when they were together too. Everyone used to call them an old married couple and James took that compliment with pride. If anyone did it now he’s just roll his eyes and change the subject.
Regulus is a surprise if anything. He didn’t think he could fall right back into this caretaker role, especially not with him. He used to be the only person Regulus got like this for and now it feels like he would be the last possible person. Sure he gives him soup that he hates and forces him to shut himself away but he’s taking care of him, in his own fucked up little way. James can’t help but wonder if he’d do the same. He likes to think he would. If Regulus were to get into the accident instead of him. If he was the one going out to shop in the middle of the storm. He’d chase after him and yell at the staff to get him everything he needs. He’d make sure he was comfortable. He doesn’t think Regulus would let him, if he’s being honest. He’d probably curse him out for being annoying and tell him to go home. What happens after is less certain to James. Would he stick it out like he used to? Despite the arguing would he sit by his bedside and fall asleep in a crappy chair just to be near him? Would he just leave and give up?
This whole holiday has gotten things all twisted around. It’s opened things he’s already locked away, purposefully that is. And he knows that was the whole point of this, he knows it was Harry’s plan, but still, it’s got him thinking. If it’s this easy to unravel everything again and have him and Regulus fall back into old habits how ruined could they have truly gotten? James built up their destruction in his head as this huge feat. There was no possible way they could ever repair it. And no they haven’t repaired anything and that may still be true. They’ve hardly done anything but fight, but they have spoken to each other. Even though it led to Regulus telling James he could die and he couldn’t care, they talked, and they tried. If they just push a little more can it all come down? Would they realize they were fools for thinking what they had could be destroyed by a signing of a document? Were they secretly lovers for the ages and just didn’t know?
Regulus comes back in the room half an hour later and James shows him his empty bowl. Without a word he takes it and disappears again, coming back with a phone, “You won’t do anything else?”
“Promise,” James says.
Regulus hands over the phone, there are words still on his tongue but he doesn’t push them past into the air. James wants so desperately to know what they are but he’s never going to ask. Besides Regulus is already rushing out of the room before he can. James presses a name before he even has a chance to debate who to call.
As soon as the ringing silences he says, “Do you think it’s crazy if I say I don’t hate Regulus?”
“I wouldn’t think it’s crazy if you said you were still in love with him.”
“Remus!”
He chuckles, “You asked.”
“I’m not in love with him,” James mumbles, keeping his voice low in case of wandering ears. This house is old, the walls are thin. “I’m not.”
“But you don’t hate him anymore,” Remus questions.
“I don’t know,” James swallows thickly. “I just… I do hate him but I don’t at the same time. It used to be so black and white. I don’t know what’s really going on. I don’t know what Regulus is thinking.”
“Well,” Remus clears his throat. “When I talked to him he seemed pretty upset.”
“What?”
“He called us after the accident,” Remus explains, “Are you okay by the way?”
“Yeah fine. Doc said everything is great.” James brushes past it. “What do you mean he was upset?”
Remus sighs, “He called us pretty much right after it happened and Sirius put the phone on speaker so I could hear too. His voice just sounded tight I don’t know how else to explain it, he sounded on the verge of a breakdown if I’m being honest. Kept going silent to make sure you were still breathing. He was freaking out.”
James can’t even imagine it, or well he can but not this Regulus. He can imagine him younger pacing the floor to make sure James was alive, but he can’t imagine him now. Pulling out his hair and resting his head against James' heart just to feel it beat. The two can’t go together in his head.
“Oh.”
“He’d probably kill me for telling you,” Remus says. “He’s probably going to kill me anyway but I don’t know. I don’t think someone who honestly hates you would do that. I certainly wouldn’t go to my ex-boyfriend's bedside if they ever got into an accident. Even the ones I’m on good terms with.”
James falls silent. He’s at a loss for words. He wants to ask Regulus about it but he’s sure he won’t say anything, he won’t actually talk to him. James wouldn’t talk to him either. Something has to be done though, he can’t keep going on like this. Sure, after this whole holiday is over they can still go back to not talking to each other. That’s the arrangement, but with all these questions lining up in front of his head, he has to do something. He can’t just leave himself with no answers. Life isn’t closure. Love isn’t closure either but James craves it all the same.
“Would you?”
“What?”
“Would you be all worried at his bedside if Regulus was the one who got hurt?” Remus asks.
“I don’t know,” James mumbles, “I can’t even picture it.”
Regulus has gotten hurt before, and every time he knew James had been with him. He’s certain he’s got hurt in all the years they spent apart, or he’s gotten sick so bad he couldn’t get out of bed. There’s this guilt that curls in James’ chest at the thought of not being there for him. He should’ve been there. He should’ve taken care of him. He may hate him. And he may want to kill him but he hates the idea of him being in pain. Those thoughts shouldn’t coexist but somehow inexplicably they do. James knows he’s caused Regulus a lot of pain, just like Regulus caused him a lot of pain. And he may never be able to forgive himself for that, he won’t be able to forgive Regulus either. But where does lead them? He knows he doesn’t want for him to be in pain but he caused most of it. He hurt him in a way no one else can, he’s left scars that can’t be erased. What does that make him?
“What’s your end goal, James?” Remus questions, “I love you, you know I do. But I love Regulus too. And I don’t want you to go and drag him along without a plan.”
“I’m not doing anything,” James says, closing his eyes. “I don’t have a plan. I don’t even think I want to…” he can’t even say it. He doesn’t want to go after him, at least he doesn’t think he does. Wanting to keep him safe and wanting to be with him is different. He may have not wanted to agree to the plan of separating again but it’ll do more harm than good if they don’t. He needs to stay away so Regulus won’t be in pain. That’s his goal. “We’re not getting back together. You know that.”
“Do I?”
“Remus,” James whines.
“You know I don’t care either way,” Remus says. “I’m not on a side I’m not rooting for you to be back together, but I’m getting very mixed signals right now. If you honestly don’t want Regulus in your life anymore why are you even asking me about it?”
James digs the palms of his hands in his eyes, “I don’t know.”
“You’ve got three days to figure it out,” Remus tells him.
“Pick for me.”
“No.”
“But I’m injured,” James whines. “I’m in pain.”
“Good, you’re being an idiot you deserve it,” Remus says. “Now go talk to him.”
“No,” James replies petulantly, “The last time we tried to talk we accidentally just fucked instead.”
“WHAT!”
“Oh no,” James mumbles, “Reg is coming to the door. The lines breaking up I’ve gotta—“
“James.”
He shuts the phone off tossing it to the other side of the bed. Keeping his eyes closed he shuffles down deeper into the sheets. He pushes the blankets around him despite the very uncomfortable position his leg is in he tries to force sleep. If he can’t do anything besides lay in here all day he might as well try. It also keeps the thoughts at bay, he swears he can’t fall back on his knees for Regulus for something as stupid as this. He swears it must be the drugs they put him under. This can not be normal.
“Fuck,” he mumbles, pushing the nearest pillow into his face. Maybe if he suffocates he’ll stop having images of his ex-husband beside him flash before his eyes, or maybe he’ll think of him even past death. What an awful thought that is.
-REGULUS-
“Papa, I can take it.”
Regulus shakes his head, only now realizes that Harry is beside him. He doesn’t know how he does it, just sneak up on him like that. But to be fair Regulus has been pretty out of it all day, he’ll call it exhaustion since he can’t stand to call it anything else. “No, it’s fine.”
Harry reaches for the drink, “I want to help.”
Regulus keeps a firm grip on the pills in his hand, he’s not sure why he won’t let Harry help him. He’s fully capable of walking upstairs and giving his father the medicine, but he just can’t let him. If Harry takes over then Regulus won’t have a reason to check up on James, no matter how stupid it sounds. He needs to see for himself that he’s breathing, and awake enough to complain that Regulus isn’t taking care of him the right way.
“I’ve got it,” Regulus tells him, shutting off the light as he leaves.
Harry trails after him, “Why won’t you let me?”
Regulus hesitates, “I’ve got this.”
Something passes over Harry’s eyes, it forms some kind of recognition. “Oh.”
“Oh what?”
“Papa,” Harry sighs, “I know I brought you both here to…” his words trail off, “I just don’t know if it’s a good idea anymore.”
“If what’s a good idea?” Regulus hears himself say.
“You and Dad,” Harry says softly.
Regulus can feel the beat of his heart in his ears, it’s overwhelming, and he can’t comprehend anything else. He hasn’t… He didn’t… He’s not sure what to say. How does he go about this now? How can he tell Harry this isn’t them getting back together? How can he cope with the hope in Harry’s heart being ripped to shreds? “We’re not…”
Harry fiddles with his fingers, “I want you two to be happy. But I feel like all I’ve been doing is making it worse.” He takes a shaky breath, “You don’t have to be together for me to be happy. You do know that?”
Quickly Regulus puts down the pills and water to step forward and take Harry in his arm, he lets him without complaints. That doesn’t happen much anymore, Harry melting into his chest. The older he gets the less he really deals with affection, and Regulus doesn’t blame him even if he misses it more than anything. “I’m sorry if we ruined this holiday for you,” Regulus whispers, and he means it. He does. He never intended to break Harry’s heart. “But none of this is your fault. This is all on us.”
“I brought you here,” Harry’s shaking and Regulus' heart aches for him. “I put you both in this situation and now…”
“Your Dad is going to be okay,” Regulus reassures him, kissing the top of his head. “He’s going to be just fine, he’s already getting on my nerves so we know he’s getting better.”
Harry laughs wetly, “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Regulus promises, tightening his grip. “We shouldn’t have dragged you into all of this. This isn’t your problem to fix.”
“I just wanted,” Harry pulls away, “I thought it would make you both happy if you…”
“it did help,” Regulus says, and he’s not even lying. “Not everything is better, but you did help.”
“Really?” Harry sniffles.
“Yeah,” Regulus whispers. “You did.”
See the thing is life without James is… life. There’s not really anything else to say about it. Regulus isn’t saying he wants to go back to having James in his life, but he feels like he’s been standing still ever since their separation. Call it needing closure, or maybe he just really needed to get out of the house, either way, he feels the gears turning again. He’s lived in a seven-year night just because James wasn’t there. It sounds so stupid, and earlier in the week if he’d admit it he’d shut himself away, but it’s true. He’s been standing right where James left him, and that’s not really a way to live a life.
“You can bring him the medicine if you want,” Regulus suggests.
“No, you do it,” Harry pushes him away lightly. “I’ll talk to him later.”
Stepping forward Regulus places one more kiss on the top of his head, to which Harry rolls his eyes and ducks away, walking right back over to his bedroom. Regulus stares after him as he goes. He’s not sure how he got so lucky to get a kid like that. He might have one thing to thank James for.
The walk to the upstairs bedroom is slow and when he creeps in he finds James asleep, buried underneath the blankets and pillows. Regulus can’t help but watch him, overtaken by nostalgia fighting in his chest. He can hear his old self bang on the wall he’s built up around him. Go to him, the voice tells him, Have him nurse all your ails.
Instead, he leaves the cup on the bedside table and reaches into his pocket. The golden string is cold to the touch, he’s not sure why he’s kept it in his pocket he doesn’t know when it got there. He takes it out, and glances down at James making sure he’s asleep. Running his fingers down the band he can’t help but imagine the ring hanging off it. He’s not sure where it’s hidden now, but he wants to find it. He’s sure James doesn’t hold it with him, Regulus doesn’t have his. It’s stashed away in his bedroom closer, pushed so far deep in there no one would be able to find it. He could though. He knows exactly where he’s left it.
James grumbles as he wakes up but Regulus still doesn’t put it away, he likes the weight of it in his hands. He needs to hold it to know it’s real.
“Oh,” James yawns, “What are you…” his voice trails off and Regulus can feel his eyes on him. “Where did you get that?” He doesn’t seem angry, if only confused.
“At the hospital,” Regulus mumbles, looking up at him for the first time since he came in. He looks better, he’s got a lot of his color back already. Though he does look tired, he’s refusing to sleep. He always gets like this when he’s sick. He always claims he’s better than the medicine, he doesn’t need Advil he’s above it. Then an hour later he’s whining about how much pain he’s in. “Why did you keep it?”
James swallows thickly, reaching out for it, but Regulus pulls it back, “Reg…”
“Tell me.”
“Do you want the truth?” James asks quietly.
“Yes,” Regulus pushes past the mound growing in his throat.
“I wear it as a reminder of what being in love with you felt like,” James whispers. “The good bits and the bad too. I use it to remind myself that I never want to be in that much pain again.”
Pain.
The word rings in Regulus’ ears.
“I caused that pain,” he says numbly.
“Yeah,” James nods slowly. “Now can I have it?” His voice breaks as he asks for it.
Regulus still can’t take his hands off it, “Can I ask you another question?”
James struggles to sit up, fixing the pillows behind him, “Okay.”
Regulus sits at the end of the bed, by his legs. He keeps his eyes on the necklace, he can’t look anywhere else, “Why haven’t you changed your emergency contact?”
“Oh.”
“I know you’re not really an idiot, okay,” Regulus admits. “You know how dangerous it is to have it be someone you don’t talk to anymore.”
He can see James’ eyes shine, “Yeah, I know.”
“So why?”
“I was going to change it,” James takes a while to speak. “I was told to. I kept being reminded and I just… I knew we were over. I know we’re over now but for so long if I was in an accident the first person I’d want to see was you. I’d want you there holding my hand and I… It’s stupid. I just couldn’t let you go yet. The more time that passed the more I forgot about it, and then I just got so used to it.” He looks up and Regulus is staring straight back at him. “I didn’t actually think this was going to happen. I didn’t mean to put you in this situation getting a call saying I was—“ he cuts himself off. “But if I’m being honest, I’m glad you were there. I’m sorry, but I’m so glad it was you.”
Regulus holds back a whine from releasing from his chest. It’s been so long. It’s been seven years and Regulus has never not for a second forgotten how it feels to be held by James, to be comforted by him. He wants to fall right back into it. He wants to rest his head on his chest, despite the bruised ribs, and take a breath for the first time in almost a decade. He feels weak, all his bones are brittle. He’d bend to the will of James even now, isn’t that insane? What does that say about him?
“You selfish asshole,” Regulus spits out, but he’s not sure he means it.
James laughs wetly, he already knows, “You can’t just insult me every time I say something you don’t like.”
“You do the same thing,” Regulus points out.
James hums, “Maybe.”
Regulus’ chest hurts, it aches, and he’s so certain that the pain will never go away. It’ll stay there festering for the rest of time. James will never go away. No matter how much Regulus begs him to. No matter how much he pushes him to the back of his mind he’s never going to leave him alone. He’s always going to be there.
“Do you think…” James draws his eyes back down to Regulus' hands, “Do you think it was a mistake? Giving up.”
Regulus swallows thickly, “It was killing me to stay.” He adds, “It was killing you.”
“Yeah,” James whispers, wiping away his tears right as they start to fall thinking Regulus doesn’t see. But he does. “I just… miss you.”
Regulus would rather he shoot him. It would probably hurt less. “You can’t just stay stuff like that.”
“I’m sorry,” James sighs, “But I just… I do. I’ve tried to hide it and convince myself I didn’t but being here with you just—“
“We’ve done nothing but fight,” Regulus tells him. “You can’t miss me when I’m like this.”
“Do you know why I kept fighting with you?” Before Regulus can take a guess James answers for him, “I hated the idea of you going away. You kept pushing me away Reg, and I just couldn’t stand it. I wanted you. I needed you around and if the only way I could get it is by fighting with you I would do it. I would’ve let you kill me as long as you were the last sight I saw before I died. I just want you. And I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I just-I missed you so much when we went quiet.”
“You could’ve talked to me,” Regulus lies.
James smiles sadly, “What was the vase?”
“What?”
“When we fought you said there was something about a vase,” James says, “What was that?”
Regulus is honestly surprised James even remembers it. He didn’t think he remembered anything that came up in their fights, he always blew right passed them. Woke up the next day and pretended like none of it ever happened. It’s such an unfamiliar feeling he doesn’t know what to do with it. It sounds stupid now, all these years later. He tries to be kind to himself, even if he’s not exactly good at that. It hurt at the time and it hurts now even if it’s something small. He knows that, but he’s never admitted it to anyone else. He’s scared of his reaction, and he’s not sure why he cares so much.
“You used to buy me flowers,” Regulus mumbles. “It wasn’t an everyday thing but it was a routine. You’d find them on one of your jobs or walk by them on your way home, whatever. There was this vase on the dining room table and every time they began to wilt you’d pick me up some more.” He pauses, “And then you stopped.”
Regulus keeps his eyes on him, trying to find a line of some kind of recognition. At first, he doesn’t think he’ll find one. He thinks this is all but washed in their history. Something that meant everything to Regulus actually meant nothing to James, but then it comes. James’ eyes well up with tears and this time he doesn’t stop them as they fall, “Oh, Reg I’m so sorry.”
Regulus pushes him off, “It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not,” James leans forward, taking his hand. Regulus isn’t sure why he lets him, just like he’s not sure why he let him back in the hospital. It’s his instinct to let him, and he’s so tired he doesn’t want to fight it. "I didn’t… I wasn’t even thinking that’s so awful I—“ he hesitates, trying to take a breath. “I wasn’t trying to make you upset I didn’t even it just slipped my mind that’s so awful. Reg, I’m so sorry I would’ve…”
“James stop,” Regulus grips his hand tighter. “It was a long time ago. It’s fine.”
“I’m sorry.”
It’s something he wanted for so long. He wanted his apology and now he wants to shove it back into his mouth. He doesn’t really blame him for it. Life got busy. He gets it. They had Harry and it wasn’t like James was strolling around much, always wanting to be back home for him.
“You should take your medicine,” Regulus bites the inside of his cheek.
“Not yet,” James says, using his free hand to wipe away his tears. “Tell me something else.”
“What?”
“Tell me another thing I did,” James explains. “I want to know.”
If anyone else were to ask him this he’d scoff and tell them they know full well what they did, he didn’t need to go step by step and tell them why it was wrong. But somehow with James he knows he means it. He knows he’s just trying to do better and see the full story. It’s not like Regulus ever told him about it before.
“Maybe later,” Regulus sniffles, taking back his hand. He reaches over for the pills, “You’re tired you need sleep.”
“Stop trying to push me away,” James says, dragging his hand away.
“We’re not anything, James,” Regulus mumbles. “We’re not married. We’re not in a relationship. We’re not even friends. It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does,” James says weakly. “Our past does matter. Don’t tell me it doesn’t.”
Regulus doesn’t want it to matter. If it matters then it’s allowed to hurt, and he so badly doesn’t want to be in pain anymore, he can’t do it. He can’t go through this again. He fooled himself into believing this is what he wanted. He tricked himself into thinking it was for the better. He knows it’s not. He knows it was the biggest mistake of his life but that very fact is terrifying. It’s so fucking scary to think about so he doesn’t. He pretends James isn’t everything to him, even now. Seven fucking years and he’s still in the same spot. His tears land on their conjoined hands and a whine breaks out of his throat, “It isn’t fair.”
“I know,” James whispers.
It’s a break. Regulus feels it in his ribs. Effie told him to let James go. She told him he had to, but it hurts and he wants to cling to him like Harry used to cling on his legs when he was a toddler. He wants to hold him, and he wants to be held by him. He wants to curl inside his chest to stay warm. How can this hurt so much, they haven’t been together in years.
“I can’t do this,” Regulus admits, closing his eyes over his tears. “I can’t—“
“I miss you so much,” James sobs, his cries rock his chest. “I’m so sorry.”
“Stop,” Regulus begs. “We can’t do this, Jamie.” The old nickname slips past his lips and it hurts even more. He hasn’t said it in so many years.
James gasps for air, “Fuck.”
Regulus gets up shakily, he doesn’t want to him like this, but he can’t help but crawl back to him every time. He doesn’t think he’ll ever love again. He thinks James was it for him. He was in denial for so long about it, but he knows now. James is the love of his life and ruined it. James is the only one who ever mattered. He can’t do this anymore, he knows he needs to go, but he’s never gonna fall in love again.
“I can’t see you after,” Regulus breathes out. “After the holiday I can’t let you see me either. You know that right?”
James hiccups, “Yeah I do.”
Leaning forward Regulus puts a kiss on the top of James’ head, it’s something so sweet. Something that doesn’t belong here anymore, not in this place. He lets go of his hands and grabs the pain meds, wanting to take them himself. “Please take them.”
James looks up at him, his eyes bloodshot. He still has so much to say Regulus can tell, but he’s too tired, he knows James is too. It’s probably the only reason why he ends up taking them, quickly downing them with some water. “Can you stay?”
Regulus wants to say yes, it’s why he knows he needs to say the opposite. He can’t grow attached again, he can’t let James either. It’ll just make them leaving each other again worse. “James,” he whispers.
“Just until I fall asleep,” James asks.
Regulus wonders how high on pain meds he is. He’s not sure how high the dose is, maybe he’s just tired. It’s messing with his head. All he knows is this certainly isn’t the James he talked to only days prior. “Okay.” He finds himself agreeing, “Just until you fall asleep.”
“Thank you,” James buries himself in his blankets and he looks like a kid again, only seventeen.
Regulus, as if on autopilot, walks to the other side of the bed and lies down. He doesn’t face him at first, but he feels James move to stare at him. What does he see? Shouldn’t he hate every single part of him? Regulus can tell James wants to speak, but somehow he holds his tongue. It’s only when James' eyes droop and close, his eyelids fluttering in a dream, that Regulus turns to face him. His hands under his head, knowing if he moved them they would gravitate towards James, he wouldn’t be able to resist. The gold chain is still tangled between his fingers, he's refused to let it go. He needs a reminder that there once was a golden string tied between them, and despite all this time it still hasn't snapped. He's holding it. It's real. It has to be.
He’s always loved how James looks when he sleeps, he feels so vulnerable admitting it now but it’s true. He always used to force himself to stay up a bit later just so he could watch James before he drifted off himself. He could only sleep when he was around, when he knew he was safe. James used to be the same way. There were some nights when Regulus stayed up in his office until late, he couldn’t help it he just needed to finish the chapter. James never complained, he just wrapped their duvet around himself and asked to sleep on the couch, knowing he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep any other way. Regulus longs for those times of shutting off his computer and crawling onto the couch just to be with him, not wanting to wake him up to move to the bed. He wants to go back there, even when he knows it’s long over.
As if he never left it he can’t help but feel his eyes drift closed the longer he stays. James is long asleep, and he could leave. He said he would leave, but he can’t help it. He keeps his eyes on James as long as he can. Wanting to hate him so badly. He wants to scream at him, he wants to yell, but he can’t. He’s so tired. He just wants to be with him now. He can’t do that either though. He can’t do anything. So when he goes back home, tired and alone he’ll trick himself into hating James again. He’ll pretend to not be enamored by him. Act like he doesn’t miss him every second of every day. He can’t go backward. He can’t break James’ heart again. He has to protect his own. If they try again and fail they’ll break Harry in two. He can’t. They can’t.
So he watches him tonight for as long as he can, fighting sleep just to watch him breathe. There’s something so soft between them now. He’s not sure how they got here.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers into the dark room. “James, baby, I’m so sorry.”
He doesn’t hear a response. He doesn’t want to. He’s not sure what he’d do if he did. He’s just tired. So tired.
He falls asleep right beside his ex-husband and sleeps easier than he has in years. He’s not sure what that means, but he knows it won’t do him any good. Tomorrow he’ll fall back on old habits. Tomorrow he’ll curse James out for doing nothing just to protect himself. Tomorrow. Just please let him have tonight, he’s not even sure who he’s asking at this point, but he’s on his hands and knees begging for it. It’s all he’s asking for.