The Sight That Flashed Before Me Was Your Face
-REGULUS-
The rain is heavy on his drive over, and you’d think Regulus would be a bit more careful knowing what he was going to the hospital for but he speeds anyway. The hospital is pretty far out as is, but he gets there quicker than he can comprehend where he’s going. He doesn’t even think he said anything to the kids before running out. They’re thirteen they’ve been left home alone before, and they’ll be fine. James on the other hand, if the accident didn’t fucking kill him Regulus will make sure to. He’s drenched as he runs through the hospital trying to find the ER, he’s only been here once before. It was back when he was eighteen and they stayed in the house by themselves for a weekend. One of the first times they were ever left alone for a prolonged period of time. James wanted to cook Regulus dinner and like an idiot almost sliced his entire finger off. Had to get three stitches and cried like a baby about it too. Regulus kissed him back then, trying to distract him from it. Bought him ice cream as he drove him back home. They were so soft back then, Regulus almost doesn’t recognize them.
“I’m looking for James Potter,” he spits out as soon as he reaches the front desk.
“Take a seat,” The woman says, “I’ll be with you in a—“
“I don’t want to take a seat,” Regulus grits his teeth. “Tell me where he is.”
“It will only take a moment,” She says.
“And I told you I don’t care,” Regulus says, “He was in a car accident I know he’s here. Tell me where.”
She sighs, in any other situation maybe he’d feel a bit bad for her. Having to sit here all the time dealing with crazy people like him, but he can’t find anything in him to care right now. “Are you family?”
“I’m his husband,” The words slip by his mouth before he can even begin to second guess himself. “Now where is he?”
Glancing down quickly at the sheet of paper in front of her she mumbles, “He was moved to the ICU.”
“Great,” he grumbles, turning away. It’s not that far away but his heart is still pounding by the time he gets there. They wouldn’t have moved him if he wasn’t fine. They wouldn’t have moved him if he wasn’t on the mends. And yet there are a million sharp pricks on his skin. James is in the hospital. James was in an accident. James almost died and Regulus just told him earlier today that he wouldn’t care if he did.
When he reaches the desk he’s greeted by much of the same, another woman sitting bored probably playing solitaire on the computer. “Where’s James Potter?”
“I—“
“I’m his husband,” Regulus says, this time on purpose. Maybe if he took a second he’d start to wonder why he’s trying so hard to get to him. He did his part and checked that Harry’s father is alive. He can very easily wait out here without trouble or call Effie and Monty to take over for him. He could just go home. He doesn’t have to be here right now, and yet. “Take me to him.”
The woman blinks, “If you could take a—“
“No,” Regulus cuts her off. “I don’t want to take a seat I want you to show me where to go. Where is he?”
Looking over at the same stupid sheet the other person had she purses her lips, “He’s through there,” she gestures off to a hallway, “Second door on your left.”
He doesn’t even bother replying before he’s rushing down. He feels out of his body in this place. The doesn’t feel like a storyline that should play out now. It feels like this is from years past. Why did James keep Regulus as his emergency contact? Why did Regulus receive this call at all? It should’ve been Sirius, or his parents even. Fucking Lily Evans of all people. It shouldn’t be Regulus, not anymore. James isn’t a fucking idiot, even if he seems like it, he knows he should update it, especially after something as big as a divorce. Did he honestly want Regulus there if he ever got into an accident? Did he want to be the first person that was called? Would Regulus even show up if he got the call in any other situation? If they never spoke again would he run out of the house grabbing whatever shoes he could find, which are James’ by the way, to be at his bedside? He hesitates when he reaches the door. Finally taking a chance to breathe for the first time since he got in this place.
What is he doing here?
He ran here to come sit at the bedside of his ex-husband. He doesn’t care if James lives or dies and yet he’s racing for him fighting a fucking hurricane outside the window just to get to him. He reaches his hand up to the door handle but he doesn’t turn it, he can’t. Why is he here? He wants to be free of the hold James Potter placed him in. He never wanted— He wants James dead, but he always wanted to be the one to pull the trigger. There’s no other way it can happen. If Regulus isn’t the one to deal the final blow he’ll certainly find the person who does it and kill them for it. They’ll pay the price for their stupidity, but it wouldn’t be enough. Even that. Even the taste of revenge wouldn’t be enough to dwell his aching heart, he’d stab a blade through it before it could turn him to rot. He’d sooner kill himself than live the rest of his life in a world without James in it.
He doesn’t know what to do with that information, he doesn’t want to do anything with it, he wants to ignore it. He wants to go back to how it was before. Ignoring James’ existence and pretending that he knew it was for the better that they never spoke anymore. He hates to be sad over it, he doesn’t like to admit that maybe he still wants James around sometimes. He hates him, he does, he didn’t lie when he said it. Fuck.
Pushing open the door he’s met with James lying unconscious in the bed, he looks so small. Regulus hasn’t ever known him to look that small, even the day of their divorce he stood tall.
“Oh,” it’s punched out of his throat as he rushes over, “You fucking idiot.”
His hand hovers over James’ but he doesn’t go the extra bit to hold it, he just watches it instead. There’s a cast over his leg and scratches around his face, it looks back but Regulus doesn’t really know medical stuff it could be fine. It has to be fine. He can feel his eyes burn the longer he looks at him but he can’t look away. They had the perfect life before, maybe not for everyone else but it was perfect for them. It was their life. How did they get it so twisted around? Regulus hates James, but he needs him to be okay at the same time. He needs him like the oxygen in his lungs, he needs him like water. He needs him to wake up so he can hit him over the head and curse him for being stupid, concussion be damned.
“When we get home you—“ his voice falls flat. They’re not exactly a “we” anymore, and they haven’t got a home to go back to. He’s not sure why he said it. He feels eighteen again. “I despise you.”
He waits for James to say something back, to call him an asshole or bare his teeth but he doesn’t do anything besides breathe, doesn’t even open his eyes. It’s strange that Regulus misses it, he never thought he would. Turning his eyes to the heart monitor he watches as it beeps ringing out into the room that James is alive. He imagines it going flat by his own hand, but he doesn’t step forward to pull the trigger. He waits for James to wake up instead. Before he does the door opens up behind him and a doctor shuffles in.
“Are you family?” Is the first thing she asks.
Regulus nods, “Husband.”
He’s sure they have some kind of records and could fact-check him, and kick him out without much of an argument, but he’s not leaving this room without a fight.
Apparently, she takes his word, as she walks around checking out his vitals making sure everything is steady. Regulus watches as she goes, fighting the urge to scream at her every time she touches him. He’s not sure why that is. He hasn’t felt possessive over James in ages. It’s not even a sexual thing really, or romantic, he’s not sure how to describe it, he just doesn’t want James to be hurt anymore than he is. Not by anyone but Regulus, of course.
“Do you know when he’ll wake up?” Regulus hears himself ask.
“Soon,” The doctor says. “We’re the ones who put him under, he had a pretty bad break in his leg so we had to put him under for surgery.”
“Is there anything else wrong?” He asks, the edges of his voice pulling the more he speaks.
“A couple of bruised ribs and a minor concussion,” She explains. “We’ve set everything right and he should be healing nicely, he could go home as early as tomorrow morning as long as he’s awake. He’ll have to come back to have us check that everything is healing right though.”
“We don’t live here,” Regulus says, “We’re just vacationing here for a bit.”
“We can get his information to the nearest hospital to you,” She tells him. “But I would advice you not to travel right away I’d wait at least forty-eight hours.”
“Okay,” Regulus nods. He’ll probably have to drive him home, he can’t very well drive when his leg is all fucked up. It’s not something he ever planned to do again but he doesn’t want to ask his parents to drive him home and then back. Not when Regulus is headed up that way anyway. “Thank you.”
“I’ll be back every twenty minutes to check up on him,” she says, “But he should be okay until he wakes up. If not press the call button.”
Regulus nods, but he doesn’t give her much peace of mind as she walks out the door. He watches James instead. So it’s not that bad. He’ll be in bed for a little while because of his leg but he can go home in the morning, that’s good.
Once the adrenaline washes away he just feels empty, tired, missing something. His hand twitches to grab James’ but he turns to find his phone instead. Of course, because he’s an idiot, he finds nothing. He threw it on the couch before he left like an idiot.
Getting up he looks around for a phone, he at least has the Potter’s phone number memorized he can call them to watch over Harry and Luna for a bit. Not that he wants them to be driving in this weather. Instead, he finds James’ phone sitting in a bag by the window sill, there aren't many other personal effects in there his clothes must’ve gotten ruined, but there is a necklace. There’s nothing much to it, it’s just a gold string. To anyone else their eyes would pass by it but not Regulus. He knows this. It’s cold underneath his touch and he’s brought back there.
There weren’t many times that James took off his wedding band, but he was forgetful. Sometimes when he cooked he put it on the windowsill and it slipped his mind to put it back on. Regulus would always find it and roll his eyes, putting it back on his finger with an annoyed comment. James would kiss him then and they’d go on as normal. One day Regulus came home with a golden chain and put the ring on it before putting it over James’ chest. He wouldn’t need to take it off then, he could always have it on. It was easy enough for him to switch the ring to his finger is he so picked, but most of the time he just wore it around his neck. They talked about him getting a tattoo around his finger, they were so possessive back then. James wanted everyone to know he was taken. Time got away from them, he kept putting it off. It’s for the better now though that James doesn’t have the permeant mark on him. He does wear the chain though. Regulus glances back at him. Why did he keep the chain? The ring must be long gone. He throws it back into the bag and digs around for the phone. It doesn’t matter. He’ll force himself not to care.
Quickly he puts in the code, it’s Harry’s birthday has been since the day he was born. It used to be Regulus’ and he called James a fool for it every time he put it in. It was too obvious. Having it Harry is even more obvious but James wouldn’t budge. Harry’s already called, and texted but Regulus ignore it and rings him instead.
“Dad?” Harry picks up at the first ring. “What’s going on? Papa just stormed out and didn’t tell us why I don’t—“
“It’s Papa,” Regulus says biting the inside of his cheek. “We’re okay.”
Harry falls silent, “What happened?”
Regulus sighs, “There was an accident. It was this blasted weather, and your Dad being an idiot doesn’t help.” His voice stays light, he’s not even sure how. “He’s okay. They’re gonna let us out in the morning but I’m gonna stay here with him. Call Grandma and Grandpa if you need anything, there should be cereal in the pantry for dinner, I don’t know if we have anything else that’s why your Dad left in the first place.” He left because Regulus told him to. James got in an accident because Regulus sent him out in the storm.
“Can I talk to him?” Harry murmurs. He wants to hug him. He wants to protect him from this. Kiss him on the forehead and tuck him into bed like he’s still three.
“When he wakes up we’ll call you back,” Regulus tells him. “I promise.”
“Okay,” Harry whispers, “I love you.”
“I love you,” Regulus says, looking back at the man he once called a lover. “Your Dad loves you too.” He says it because it’s true. Even if James fell out of love with Regulus he never stopped loving his son, not for a moment. “We’ll be home soon,” he says as the line goes dead.
He shoves the phone back in its place, taking a seat next to the bed. He pushes the chair closer to the bed taking a breath as his hand lifts up to James’ arm. He traces the palm of his hand, feeling how warm they are. He’s alive. That tells him that. James always used to complain that Regulus’ hands were always cold, in a loving way though. He’d always tease him that he’d heat them up for him. James is practically an oven, sharing a bed with him is the worst, especially in the summer. Regulus wakes up sweating because James is practically sleeping on top of him. He still lets him though, especially when James wakes up smiling because of it, pushing his face further into Regulus’ chest. Or at least he used to anyway. He pulls back his hand, setting him up in his seat. This is going to be a long night.
-JAMES-
James' head hurts.
It’s the first thing he notices as his eyelids flutter open, the second is how bright the lights in the room are, he groans as he blinks the room into existence. He doesn’t remember what happened at first, it takes him a little bit to become coherent. “Fuck,” he grumbles. Turning to the side, and Regulus is the first thing he sees. He’s curled up in the small chair beside the bed, his head resting on his knees. Despite the uncomfortable position he’s in he’s managed to fall asleep. James always used to find him like that, Regulus could sleep practically anywhere as long as James was around. If he wasn’t replying to anyone he was probably just taking a nap. He never makes any noise when he sleeps, he doesn’t ever snore though according to him James does and it keeps him up. Or well kept him up that is. It takes him another moment to realize it hurts to move his leg, and another to realize he’s in the hospital.
The accident flashes in front of his mind. The rain poured down on the windshield. He knew he should’ve pulled over to the side but the town wasn’t that far out, he thought he could’ve made it. He’s not even sure where the car came from. One moment he was alone on the street, hidden behind the forest and the next headlights were shining directly into his side. There’s nothing he could’ve done to stop it. He tried to swerve, he’s not sure if it helped him or made it worse. He tries to remember the last moment before he passed out, but he’s not sure when it was. He’s not even sure if he passed out at all. All he remembers is thinking of Harry, trying to crawl out from underneath the rubble for him. Then his mind traveled to Regulus, he’s not even sure why. Something within his pain-riddled mind he reached for him. His face flashed before his eyes. He thought of the last conversation they had. He thought of all the years they spent apart. Somehow he was flooded with regret. He didn’t understand how he got everything so messed up, his younger self took over his body, and he couldn’t even feel the pain anymore.
He looks at Regulus now and he’s not sure what to think. Does he still regret it? Everything that led them to this moment. Does he still wish to go back to the way things were or was that something that only came when the end was in sight? He’s not sure. His head hurts too much to give it much thought.
“Reg,” he calls out, his voice is all scratchy he barely makes a side. “Reg?”
Regulus jumps awake, scrambling in the seat, unconsciously he reaches for the bed. James almost wants to give him his hand, almost. “You fucking scared me.”
“Well I’m—“
“Don’t you fucking dare,” Regulus glares. “I did not sign up for you dying, Potter.”
James blinks, it’s not like he was expecting Regulus to shower him with attention or anything, he just didn’t think he would yell at him as soon as he woke up. He didn’t think he’d be here at all to be fair, so maybe he’ll take what he can get. “You told—“
“Yes, I know what I told you!” Regulus grumbles, “It doesn’t fucking matter. I did not go and tell you to die. You’re not allowed.”
James scoffs, “I’m not allowed?”
“No,” Regulus answers stubbornly. “Not until I say you can.”
James bites back a smile, “You were worried about me?”
“I’m sorry I don’t want my son to live without his father because you’re an idiot who almost got yourself killed,” he crosses his arms across his chest. “You’re never driving again.”
“You don’t control me!”
“I don’t fucking care,” Regulus says. “You’re going to listen to me.”
“Fuck th—“
“Don’t talk back to me,” Regulus cuts him off, probably too quickly his voice drops in harshness he says. “Are you in pain?”
“What?” James asks.
“Are you in pain?” Regulus asks, “I can call for the Doctor.”
“I—“ James pauses, “Why are you—“
“You had surgery for your leg,” Regulus says softly. “But they fixed it up and everything. You have a few bruised ribs and a mild concussion but I talked to your doctor about it and you should be fine. Just no screens for a few days, a lot of sleep. I can take you back home as early as the morning. Now are you in any pain? I’ll scream at them to get you medicine if you want.”
James isn’t exactly sure when the switch happened. When Regulus went from being angry to being soft-spoken, almost worried. He hasn’t seen Regulus like this in years. He only ever got like it if James was really sick, not just having a cold he always used to roll his eyes and tell him he was fine. When James couldn’t get out of bed though Regulus was always there, checking his temperature every two seconds to make sure he didn’t have to go to the hospital. He wasn’t really good with sick people, and a bit overbearing if James is being honest. But he loved him for it anyway. Now he’s just confused.
“What are you doing?” James asks, trying to sit up, though it’s becoming a much more difficult task than it seems. It doesn’t help that the pillows they gave them are shit.
Regulus stands up, walking around the room, opening random cabinets. “I’m sure they have a spare one somewhere.”
“Reg,” James calls out to no luck.
“Oh come on,” Regulus grumbles, “How can they not have any? I could head to the front desk, maybe they have a closet some—“
“Reg!” James says, “What are you doing?”
“Finding you a pillow,” Regulus snaps, “What do you think I’m doing?”
He would be entertained by this if they weren’t where they are now. Back then when Regulus got all worried like this it was normal, but now he’s said multiple times he doesn’t give a shit about James. It’s just concerning in himself. James isn’t sure what to do besides gape at the sight. “You’re worried about me?” He asks.
Regulus glares at him, “Shut the fuck up.”
“You are,” he finds a smile. “I never—“
“I said shut the fuck up or I’m taking the pillows you already have,” he slams the cabinet closed. “You never answered my question.”
James sighs, “My head hurts a little.”
“I’ll get the nurse,” Regulus walks over to the side of the bed, probably to hit some button of some kind but James grabs his arm before he can. He tries to rip it away but not very hard, he’s probably scared of hurting him. Which is a strange feeling getting used to again, being treated like he’s fragile.
“Reg,” James whispers, “Stop.”
“Your head hurts,” Regulus refuses to look at him. “I’m getting the—“
“What are you doing?” James asks again.
“I’m—“
“Why are you so worried?” James questions, “You told me yesterday—“
Regulus swallows thickly, “Fuck you.”
James laughs wetly, “What’s going on? Tell me.”
Regulus bites the inside of his cheek, “I don’t want you to die, James,” he manages to say. His voice breaks at his words. “Now please let me call the doctor.”
He doesn’t want him to die. He cares. In his own fucked up little way he cares. James shouldn’t feel so warm at the thought. “Okay.”
Regulus sighs, shaking his head, and brushes away loose tears. James wants to do it for him. “I’m going to be okay,” James tells him as soon as he presses the button. “You know that right.”
“Fucking die,” Regulus forces out.
James smiles softly, not saying another word.
As soon as the Doctor comes in Regulus takes a seat, completely taking over in asking questions James can barely get a word in. By the time comes where he can there’s not really much else to say. He pays attention to half of it, his brain is too muddy to really care about much of anything. Regulus seems to be taking notes though, so he’ll trust him. He’s not sure when that switch happened, he’s too tired to think much about it. His eyelids are already starting to droop. He’s not even sure what time it is, or how long he was asleep for in the first place, but he knows it’s late. He really wants to sleep.
James doesn’t really notice when the Doctor leaves the room, one minute she’s there talking and the next Regulus is tapping on his arm, “No sleeping yet.”
James whines pushing himself further into the pillows, “Why not?”
“Harry wants to talk to you,” Regulus says, his back completely straight and voice hollow. He moves around the room robotically grabbing James’ phone from the other side of the room. James isn’t sure if it’s exhaustion or the knowledge that he had a whole freak out about his ex-husband he claims to hate almost dying. James hates it either way. It’s not that he wants Regulus to be all over him or anything, he just hates how things are now. He wants Regulus to just yell at him and get it over with.
“It’s late,” James points out.
“He’s thirteen,” Regulus tells him, handing over the phone. “If you think he’s not up at 3 am every single night you’re more of an idiot than I thought you were.”
“Fair,” James says, but he doesn’t turn the phone on, he looks at Regulus instead. “Are you okay?”
Regulus blinks, “Yes?”
“You just…” his voice trails off. “Seemed stressed.”
“Yeah well I got a fucking call in the middle of a tornado that you were in an accident,” Regulus says. “How do you think I should feel?” It wasn’t exactly a tornado but James won’t say anything about it.
“Pleased?” James says.
Regulus scoffs, “You’re stupid if you think I would be.”
“I thought you wanted me dead.”
“I want to kill you.”
“I’d still be dead,” James tells him.
“But I get to be the one to do it,” Regulus says. He doesn’t give any explanation besides that. James would be more confused if he didn’t feel the same way. He doesn’t want Regulus dead, he’s never wanted him dead. He’s not even sure if he wants to kill him now, he knows he’d never be able to go through with it. At least now. If he got angry enough maybe, he’d be able to push a blade against Regulus' throat and push it through until he sees blood. Until he feels it clinging to his hands, staining him for the rest of eternity. But the world would look dull without him, it would lose all signs of color. If Regulus dies James would die very soon after. Whether it be with the same blade or a broken heart.
“Okay,” James mumbles.
Regulus falters, “Okay?”
“Neither of us dies unless it’s by the others hand,” James says, turning on his phone.
Regulus stays quiet for a moment before nodding, “Yeah.”
Their eyes meet for a moment, and just for that single moment it’s like nothing at all changed. They’re back to being eighteen being in this hospital for the first time. Making promises over their deaths, never being able to live without each other. It’s so fucking stupid. James isn’t even sure why he does it. He grabs Regulus' hand. His hand is cold, just like it always is, but he lets him do it. He lets him hold it. Regulus stares down at it confused but he doesn’t pull away. James takes his hand back and he doesn’t fight for it. But he let it happen.
James turns away quickly going to call their son, his heart beating in his throat. Fuck.
“Dad?” Harry questions sleepily.
“Hey kiddo,” James shuffles up, closing his eyes around the sound. Throughout all the chaos his life has turned into Harry’s the one driving force that’s always stayed the same. He misses him even if he just saw him. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”
“Are you okay?” Harry completely ignores his question.
“Yeah of course,” James reassures, “I’m okay.”
Harry falls silent but James can hear his mind turning, he doesn’t even need to be looking at him to do it. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” James questions. He wants to hug him, he’s still his baby even if he hates to be called it. He’s going to be his baby no matter how old he gets.
“I wanted to…“ his voice breaks, “It was my idea to get you both on the holiday together, and I—“
“Hey no,” James interrupts him. “None of this is your fault, okay?” He feels Regulus’ eyes dig into him. “I’m okay, just a little broken bone it’s nothing. You did nothing wrong.”
“But if I didn’t invite Papa this wouldn’t have happened,” Harry says. “If it was just the two of us we’d be—“
“Harry,” James cuts him off again. “I promise you it’s not your fault. I knew it was storming and I went out anyway, it’s my fault no one else’s.”
Harry falls silent, “Okay.”
“I love you,” James says. “I’ll be home soon, and you’ll see everything is fine.”
“Is Papa being nice at least?” Harry asks.
James laughs, looking over at him. He’s back on the other side of the room again, talking very adamantly on the phone with a nurse trying to bribe his way into better pillows. “Absolutely not,” he says, he doesn’t even have to try to keep his voice soft. It’s filled with a sense of nostalgia he hasn’t longed for in a long time.
Harry laughs too, “Are you being nice?”
“I’m injured,” James tells him. “I don’t need to be nice.”
“Both of you are ridiculous,” Harry says.
“Yeah, we know,” James replies. “Now really you should be getting to bed. It’s late.”
“I know,” Harry grumbles. “You’ll be able to come home in the morning right?"
“That’s the plan,” James promises, “I’ll text you if it changes.”
“Goodnight,” Harry says, “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
James hangs up the phone suddenly without a certain weight on his chest. He sighs turning his head back to the disaster standing in the corner of the room, “Reg please.”
“Shut up,” Regulus calls back.
James can’t help but smile, it doesn’t hang heavy for the first time in a long time, at least not while Regulus is around anyway. He’s too tired to stop it, or to even think about stopping it. Also, he’s probably high on way too many drugs right now to think straight. He’s not sure what Regulus’ excuse is, he’s sure he’ll hear one in the morning. Instead of asking, He closes his eyes diving head-first into a dream-like place. He hasn’t fallen asleep with Regulus in the room in a long time, and even now it’s much easier than sleeping alone. He’s out within seconds.