I'm Not Your Problem Anymore
-JAMES-
James has done a lot of stupid things in his life, but fucking his ex-husband when he was supposed to be talking things through may be one of the worst ones. He spent most of the night staring at the ceiling, rethinking everything that led him to that moment. Then the tears came. He didn’t expect them, and didn’t even notice them until they were sinking into the pillow beneath his head. He wakes up with a headache and dried tears on his face. It wasn’t supposed to end like that. He doesn’t know what came over him. Regulus was right when he said he starts fights just to feel something. They were talking last night but they never really said anything. Regulus wasn’t planning on ever talking after this holiday, not that James was either, but there’s no point to any of it. If it’s not going to lead them anywhere why should they bother to try? They pick each other apart but they’re not getting anywhere. They’re talking but they’re not saying anything. He’s so fucking tired.
He’s dizzy sitting up, he hasn’t gotten up since Regulus left. Didn’t even bother to take a shower or anything, he’s just been lying here trying to chase sleep. Eventually, he passed out but he can’t exactly remember when. Practically falling out of bed he goes into the bathroom, turning up the shower as hot as he can make it. Maybe he can burn off ten layers of skin, and erase any signs that Regulus touched him last night. He feels guilty. It was his fault, wasn’t it? Was he the one who kissed him first? He can’t really remember how it happened. One second they were fighting and the next he had him up against the wall. He was the one who started the argument, he knows that. Falling back on old habits and all that.
He spends probably too long in the shower, but he can’t help it. He doesn’t want to see Regulus, he’s not even sure what he’d say to him. But he’s not sure when Harry and Luna are coming back and he doesn’t want them to walk in while they’re being all weird around each other. He wants to just kick Regulus out, or fuck it leave and have Regulus finish off the vacation. He doesn’t mind, either way, is fine with him just get him out of here. He only gets out when the water starts to turn cold and he’s scrubbed himself clean until his skin turns red. It’s rushed. He needs all traces of Regulus gone. Why did he have to start the fight? What the fuck is wrong with him?
He groans as he turns off the water and quickly dries himself off. This is so fucking stupid. He’s an adult for fucks sake, a parent no less. He can’t keep doing this. No matter how much he wanted to fuck Regulus last night he could’ve stopped it. He should have.
The house is quiet as soon as he slips out of the bathroom, he immediately forces himself to step up to Regulus’ door. If he doesn’t do it now he’ll never do it. He was the one who started the fight, he’s the one who has to say something now. Back when they were fighting the first time they didn’t do anything after the fights. They never talked about it. James didn’t go up to Regulus and force them to talk about it. It’s not the same now, of course. But they both agreed to try, or at least James told himself he would. Even if it’s just to get through his week, so this is him trying. He’s not as young as he was before. He has no idea what to do but he knows this is a step in the right direction.
As soon as he knocks on the door he feels a shift. A new path is being played out, a storyline they should’ve let play out long before.
Regulus is standing in front of him, his tired eyes staring directly into James’ and he wants to run. Pick up all his things and avoid this train wreck, but he can’t. “Hi.”
Regulus sighs, “What do you want?”
“Can we talk?” The words sound foreign on his lips, like it’s not him saying them at all.
Regulus blinks, whether it be shock or annoyance James really doesn’t know. He shut out his emotions so long ago now. “Fine.” He opens the door a bit to let him in
James breaks through to the room but he’s not sure what to do when he’s in it. He takes to standing in the corner by the window, glancing out to the sea. “So… last night—“
“We don’t have to talk about it,” Regulus' voice sounds hoarse. James doesn’t want to think about what that’s from. “We can just ignore it.”
James turns back to face him, “We have to talk about it.”
“I want to ignore it,” Regulus tells him.
James sighs, sitting on the window seat, “Reg, please.”
Regulus looks away, “Look you’re the one who kissed me.”
“I know.”
“I kissed you back,” Regulus says.
“I know that too.”
“What else is there to say?” Regulus asks, “It was a stupid mistake. We’re not doing it again so can you please—“
“I’m sorry,” the words fall from his lips before he can stop them. He’s not sure if he wants to stop them but he feels vulnerable now. He’s without armor. He’s not sure what he wants to get out of this, he doesn’t know what Regulus wants out of it either. But he’s tired. He doesn’t want to be petty anymore. He doesn’t want to pick fights over nothing. He just wants to feel something more than this. He loved Regulus for so long and they never got any sense of closure. Life isn’t about closure, he knows that now. He could very well move on and never think about Regulus again, but that’s not where they are. They have Harry. They’ll always be connected. And James doesn’t want to be in a retirement home still complaining about how husband number one fucked with him. “I’m sorry for starting the fight, and I’m sorry for the way it ended.”
“Oh?”
James fights the urge to scream at him for giving him nothing. He’s never been the best at being the bigger person. “I’m sorry for the conversation before too.”
Regulus falters for a second, his past self shining through. James seeks him out like a dying man in the desert trying to find something to save him. “What?”
“Neither of us was really being honest, Reg,” the old nickname gives him pause. There’s something so sweet about it, something so soft. It wasn’t made for this.
“I was being honest,” Regulus says.
“Come on,” James begs. “Why did you really agree to talk to me?”
“Your mum asked me to,” He replies. “You only did it because of your Dad.”
James tilts his head, “Partly.”
“What other reason could you have had?”
So many. Too many probably.
“Don’t you ever get sad about how we ended?” James asks. “Don’t you ever look back and miss it?”
Regulus freezes, and James swears he sees his heart stop. For a moment he regrets his words, he’s said too much and released too much into the air. It’s all wrong. “I still hate you.”
James smiles sadly, “I can’t stand you, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t get sad about it.”
“Were you sad back then?”
“Yes.” All the time. Every single day. Every moment they spent together. It leaked out of him like a bleeding wound.
“You never showed it.”
“You didn’t either.”
James hid behind his anger. He does it now too. Every time he fought it was because he couldn’t stand the thought of being sad anymore. He didn’t want to grieve over something that hadn’t yet died, something that was never supposed to die in the first place.
“Why did you stop?” Regulus questions, his voice far away like it’s a memory.
“Stop what?”
“Caring,” Regulus answers.
“I never did.”
“Bullshit.”
James shrugs, “It’s the truth, Reg.”
“Why are we even doing this?” Regulus asks, his voice losing its softness. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It was our life,” James says.
“Not anymore,” Regulus tells him. “It’s not our life anymore, so why should we care? Our arrangement—“
“Harry is still our son, Regulus,” James cuts him off. “He’s not mine. He’s not yours. He’s ours. We’re always going to be connected. We can run as fast as we can in opposite directions but we’re always going to be pulled together again.” Regulus falls silent, but James doesn’t let this go to waste. “Do you really want to spend the rest of our lives angry at each other?”
“I don’t know,” Regulus says. “I just know that I can’t trust you.” He’s not saying it to be mean, he’s saying it because he truly means it. It hurts worse. “We can be fine one second and then the next you’re picking a fight. I know I did the same back then,” he swallows thickly, “I do the same now. But I can’t trust myself around you either. I can’t do it.”
“So you just want to go on as we have been?” James asks. “Avoiding each other like we meant nothing to each other?”
“Honestly, James,” Regulus says, “You could die and my life wouldn’t change at all. Our past means nothing to me, not anymore.”
He means it. That’s the worst part. James wants to go back to fighting, this is why he likes it so much. It doesn’t hurt as much as this. He can’t put this off as uncontrollable anger if Regulus can barely look at him when he says it.
“Okay,” James grits his teeth. “That’s it then?”
“No,” Regulus says, “This is nothing. We’ve been done for years James, you know that.”
It’s not that James wants Regulus back, or even that a part of himself does. He knows it won’t work out like that. They would never be able to figure their shit out enough for that. He wants to be where Regulus is. He wants to go back to his old life and forget that Regulus ever existed. But he’s so deeply ingrained in him, he can’t help it. He was a part of his life for so long of it, he was the air in his lungs and the soul of his heart. Regulus was everything. He may be nothing now but that doesn’t completely destroy what they once had. He wants it to. He so badly wants it to.
“Yeah, I know.”
“We’ll make it through this holiday, yeah?” Regulus says, “And then we can ignore all of this.” His voice is so low, it’s filled with pity, like James is this child that needs to be looked after. He can feel anger pile in his throat, he wants to throw it right back out at him. He wants to throw him up against the wall and make it all go away. Dig his fingers into his back and give him something to remember the pain he caused. But he doesn’t. He gets up instead.
“Do you know when the kids will be back?” He asks.
Regulus shrugs, “Effie said she’d drop them off around noon.”
“Good,” James mumbles, “I’ll be off then.”
“James—“
He’s out of the door before Regulus can say anything. He’s not sure why his chest feels so heavy. He was the one picking the fights just yesterday, it’s this house he swears. It’s tearing him down. There’s something about these walls, and about the tide just outside their window. It’s making him go insane. He can’t help it. All of the memories they so carefully made together feel like weapons, knives constantly digging into his chest. None of this is fair. He wants to go home, he has one of those now, separate from Regulus. He wants to call Lily over and complain about how awful this whole trip was. He wants her to hit him over the head for being an idiot and sleeping with a man he claims to hate. He does hate. He hates Regulus he does.
He spends his time in the living room, watching a storm roll in from over the ocean. He’s got a book open, one Remus gave to him, but he doesn’t actually read it. He can’t focus on the words. Regulus doesn’t come down either, so he’s just stuck.
It takes less than an hour for Harry to come rushing into the house, his face falls when he sees James sitting on the couch by himself. James’ heart aches for him. He wants to get along with Regulus for him, he wants to so badly, but this is more than all of them. He can’t put away all those years of anguish, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to.
“Where’s Papa?” He asks, trying to keep his voice light but James can hear the disappointment.
“In his room,” he says quickly moving on, “How was Grandma and Grandpa.”
Harry brushes him off, “Fine. How was your night?”
“Quiet,” James lies.
Thankfully Luna comes bubbling in right behind him, though she’s got that scheming look in her eyes that’s never good. “Where’s Regulus?”
“Upstairs,” Harry says, turning to face her with the same look in his eyes.
She sighs, “Would you—“
“No,” Harry whispers, “We should—“
“Are you kidding?” Luna says, “That would—“
“I’m right here guys,” James calls out, keeping his eyes on his book.
“Yeah yeah,” Harry brushes him away, dragging Luna into his room.
James wants to know what their plans are, he almost wants to help them with it. Not to get back together with Regulus, he’d tell them they’re dreaming if they really think they’re going to get there. But just to get Regulus to talk to James at least, to get him to stop being stubborn and do something other than avoiding their past life. Then again James is doing the exact same thing so what can he really say about that? Maybe they should just get their own shit together and not wait for their kid to do it for them.
Monty walks into the room slowly, peering her head around to make sure they’re alone, “Did you?”
James gives him a look, “Didn’t really go the way we planned.”
If he’s disappointed he doesn’t show it, he only takes a seat next to James on the couch, “That’s okay. You’ve still got time.”
James doesn’t think he can break it to him that time isn’t what they need. They need to be young again. They need to be able to talk to each other without everything clouding their judgment. They need a reason to keep going. Harry is enough, of course, but they’re leaning so heavily on their old schedule. Harry was fine with the way things were, or at least on a very small scale. They could very well keep going on like that. It would be better for both of them at least, staying as far away from the other as possible. Being together leads to nothing but trouble.
“It would be easier if I could just pretend he was dead,” James mumbles.
“Life’s not really kind to those who pick the easy option,” Monty tells him.
James hates that he’s telling him the truth.
-REGULUS-
Regulus spends the entire morning in his room. He doesn’t mean to. He means to go down as soon as he hears Harry running inside, but he can’t bear to look at him and have him be disappointed in him. He failed with talking to James, he just keeps failing him. It took a lot out of Regulus to even consider having a child. He was always so terrified of messing it up somehow. He thought he would be like his own parents, he couldn’t ever figure it out. When he did end up having Harry he was always so careful to make sure he didn’t mess him up. And now look at him. He’s hurting him every single day and he’s not sure how to fix it, he’s not sure if there’s really an answer for him. It’s just hard. It sounds like he’s making excuses and a part of himself is, but an even bigger part of himself is just terrified of messing it up again.
He heads downstairs around lunch and Effie is waiting for him in the kitchen, two steaming cups of tea in front of her. “It’s nice to see you up.”
Regulus swallows thickly, sliding into the seat across from her, “Where’s everyone else?”
“They went into town for a bit,” Effie says. “Harry wanted to invite you, but I told him I needed you here.”
“To talk?”
She smiles softly, “To give you a break from him constantly trying to get you and James alone together.”
“Ah,” Regulus takes a sip of the tea to distract himself, it burns but it’s better than just sitting here like an idiot.
“I’m not angry with you,” Effie reassures him. “You do know that right?”
Regulus shrugs, running the pad of his thumb across the rim of his cup. He never really had a good parental figure before Effie and Monty. They taught him what it felt like to be a son, or a loved one more like. Even through the divorce that never went away, that feeling. He looks up to them like they are his parents, and he’s terrified of disappointing them the same way. He doesn’t want them to look at him with hatred. He doesn’t want them to forget about him just because James isn’t in his life anymore. He doesn’t think he could bear it.
Effie grabs his hand from across the table, and the first thought he has is how warm she feels. She’s always like that. He misses it even if it wasn’t ever taken from him. That’s one good thing he can say about James, he never told him who he could and couldn’t be around. He never hid his parents from him, or turned them against him.
“I’m not angry with you, Regulus,” Effie tells him. “Not for anything.”
He feels his eyes sting again, they’ve been doing that a lot recently. Sure having Harry has made him a bit more emotional than he has before, but not this much so. This is all the fault of James Potter, and he fucking hates it. “I tried to talk to him,” he admits.
She nods slowly, “How’d it go?”
“Not great,” the memories flash over his eyes. Obviously, he can’t tell her the real truth of what happened, he’s not trying to scar her. “I just don’t think we’re made for conversation.” Quickly he adds, “It’s not that it matters we agreed that we wouldn’t talk after the holiday so…”
“Is that what you want?” She asks.
“I was the one who asked for it.”
“That doesn’t mean you want it,” She says.
“I know he’s your son,” Regulus tells her. “And I know you want him to have everything that he wants, but I can’t give him me. He doesn’t want it. I don’t want it.”
“I’m not trying to get you two back together,” She smiles sadly, “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to. I just don’t think you’re thinking it all through.”
“I’ve thought it through,” Regulus swears.
“Have you been on a date with anyone recently?” She asks. It seems to be a whole change in the conversation but Regulus knows her. She doesn’t just mention things for no reason.
“No,” He says simply. “I’ve been busy.”
It’s not exactly a lie. He has been busy. Having Harry is pretty much a full-time job anyway. And writing has taken up a lot of his time too. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone if he were to be with them. He wouldn’t be able to give them the right time of day. He’s thought about it, of course, he has, but it was out of his control.
She hums, “James has gone on dates you know.”
It was said so casually but it still puts that ache back in Regulus’ chest. It’s been so long, he shouldn’t care what James gets up to. But he wants to kill him for it. Rip up his sheets and scream at him for betraying him. They’ve been separated for so long. James is allowed to do what he wants. Regulus isn’t sure why he has such a visceral reaction to it, but he knows if James was here right now Regulus would be shoving him into the closet wall as he screamed.
“Oh?” Regulus replies, he can tell his voice is strained.
“None of them have worked out,” Effie says. “He always says it’s not the right fit.” Before Regulus can respond she says, “I’m not trying to air out dirty laundry. I’m not trying to tell you things he doesn’t want you to know. All I’m saying is if you’re not finding someone new and neither is he. You’ve been divorced for seven years. That doesn’t seem right.”
“I don’t know,” he mumbles, “I don’t think it means anything.”
He might be lying. He didn’t really realize how long it’s been. It’s not like he’s never been with someone, but it’s never lasted longer than a night maybe two. He’s let other people touch him in the places James used to trying to erase the feeling of him, but he’s never actually been with someone he cares about. He’s had no care to find someone to replace the part in his heart James ripped out. He’s not sure why that is. He always blames it on something else, it can’t possibly be because of James, right?
“You don’t need closure,” Effie ends up saying. “You’ve never needed it. But you do need to let go of him.”
“I have.”
“No you haven’t,” she says. “Neither of you have.”
Regulus can feel his heart breaking through his chest. Has he not let go of James? After all this time they’ve spent not talking to each other, have they never… no. It can’t be. Has Regulus never really been clean? Has he still been clinging onto James like old family heirlooms no one has worn in centuries? Has he still been holding onto him after all this time? Has James done the same? If they have what would happen if they let go? He doesn’t think he really wants to know.
“What does it matter?” Regulus asks.
“You deserve to live a good life, Regulus,” she squeezes his hand and he feels his eyes sting one last time. “I know it might be strange coming from me, but you don’t need to be with my son to do it. If you truly don’t love him anymore, you need to let him go for your sake. I’ll have the same talk with him when he gets back. You can’t keep holding on.” Quickly she says, “I’ll still be here. You’re stuck with me until the day I die. You’ll still be my son, but I need you to be happy. Even if it’s not with James.”
“Oh,” He whines, and he wants to shove it back in his mouth. He can’t do it.
Maybe he has been holding on too tightly. Maybe he does need to give it up. It’s been so long now. It’s been seven years and he’s still in the thick of it. James may have been a very important love in his life, but maybe that doesn’t mean he was the love of his life. Maybe there’s another. He hates that it took him this long to even think about it.
Effie doesn’t even say anything, she just keeps dragging her thumb over his knuckles waiting to dry his tears. He feels empty. He feels sick. He feels like clinging onto the past because it’s easier than letting go.
It doesn’t even take ten minutes for the door to open and when Regulus looks up James is looking right back at him. He brushes away his tears but James still saw them. There’s worry in his eyes no matter how hard he tries to hide it. Regulus almost wants to laugh.
“What’s going on?” He asks, he still hasn’t taken a step into the room, only lingering on the outskirts of it.
“Oh nothing,” Effie brushes him off, getting up from her seat. “How was town? Is everyone else back?”
“Harry wanted to go to the beach before the storm kicked in,” James says slowly. “He wanted you both there.”
“Of course, we’ll come,” She says, walking back into the hallway, “I’ll be back. I’ll bring your Dad a book I’m sure he’ll want one.”
Regulus gets up with her, wiping under his eyes a final time, before walking towards the door. James stops him, his grip on his arm is strong but it doesn’t hurt like it normally does, “Are you okay?”
Regulus scoffs, “What does it matter to you?”
James sighs, “Reg…”
“I’m fine,” Regulus spits out, “Can we go now?”
Something passes over James’ eyes and Regulus doesn’t know how to explain it. He’s disappointed, yes, but there’s something else too. “Do you—“
“Don’t try to play the hero, James,” Regulus rips his arm away. “Let me go.”
He leaves James standing in the middle of the room without a word. He’s not sure why he did that. He gets defensive when he gets upset, it wasn’t always like that. He used to let James in. He used to go to him when he got upset. In the middle of panic attacks, he’d throw on one of his hoodies if only to feel like he was around him. He hasn’t felt that way in a long time so he turns to the opposite instead. James doesn’t deserve to comfort him and act all good on himself for it. It’s like a game to him, like he’ll get a reward if he does it right. He doesn’t really care. Regulus wouldn’t expect him to.
When he gets down to the beach Harry’s already in the water and by the looks of it dragged Monty out there with him. He doesn’t really look in his element but he’s doing it for him. Regulus ends up on the sand, without a towel, he really should’ve brought one but all he wanted to do was get out of the house, and as far away from James as possible. Not that he gets that much peace considering James comes bounding down not that long after. He stops in front of him, carelessly tossing a towel and book down practically on top of Regulus.
He blinks, “What’s this for?”
James shrugs, “Can’t I be nice?”
“You’re not known for it,” Regulus mumbles, “Especially not to me.”
“Just take it,” James says before quickly turning to the sea. He dives in right away. Regulus knows what this is. He knows Effie put him up to it. He shakes his head. He wants to refuse to use it and be petty but instead, he lays it out and opens the book to the first page. It’s his favorite, and has been for almost a decade, though he hasn’t read it in a long time. He almost forgot about it. He didn’t even bring a copy with him, and he swears he doesn’t think there’s one in the house. He thought James would’ve burned it by now in a fit of anger.
As soon as Effie comes down he asks her, “Did you do this?”
She looks at him confused for a moment before saying, “I told you I’m not trying to get you two back together. I had nothing to do with it.”
For some reason, he believes her, but as he looks back at James he can’t help but not believe he’s doing it with good intentions.
“Oh,” he mumbles, flipping to the next page, he hides his eyes behind it. This whole day has been backward, he’s not sure where he’s even supposed to stand anymore. Bloody James. He swears he’s doing this on purpose just to mess with his head.
Thankfully the rest of the day goes off without a hitch. Effie and Monty being around is probably the main reason for that. James is on his best behavior, which basically just means staying as far away from Regulus as possible. He doesn’t mind, of course, he’s actually found peace for the first time this whole holiday. He gets lost in the book pretty easily, by the time the sun sets he’s already halfway through it. They moved back into the house when the storm clouds decided to move in closer. It still didn’t stop him though. He didn’t put it down until Effie and Monty decided it was their time to go. Immediately after Regulus threw himself back in it. It keeps James far away from him and that’s a big enough reason for him to keep going.
Well, he says that but it’s not exactly true. It’s not that much later before James is in the doorway to the living room, “What did you want to eat?”
Regulus doesn’t bother to look up, “Whatever you want.”
James sighs, “We have nothing.”
“Then go get something,” Regulus grits his teeth.
“But it’s storming pretty bad,” James tells him. “I don’t—“
“It’s not that far away,” Regulus mumbles. “You’ll be fine.”
He can hear James rolls his eyes, “Fine. I’ll be back.”
“You’ll be missed,” Regulus grumbles, sinking further back into the couch. He hates James even more now that he’s trying to be this great person all of a sudden. He never was before, it’s getting ridiculous at this point. He can try all he wants to be the bigger person but Regulus knows who he is. And to let go of him completely it would be better if James realizes his tricks won’t do anything. It’s a two-way street. Regulus can let go of James but he won’t be able to fully be clean from him if James doesn’t do the same. He’ll have to talk to him when he gets back. He really doesn’t want to but what else can he do? He doesn’t want to keep this going on forever. This back-and-forth is already getting tiring.
He doesn’t realize how long has gone by at first. Everything seems to be standing still and Regulus gets like this when he’s reading. So sucked in he can’t even pay attention to the stuff going on around him. So he doesn’t notice the time dwindling by until his phone starts to practically buzz off the table. He answers it without even looking at it.
“He—“
“I’m calling from St. Mungos Hospital,” The person says and he feels their words prick his chest, “Is this Regulus Black-Potter?”
Regulus freezes, “Yes?”
“We have you listed as the emergency contact for James Potter,” they say, “Is this still accurate?”
He feels his words stuck in his throat, it hurts to push past them, “Yes.” It shouldn’t be. James should’ve changed that ages ago, Regulus sure did. It’s been his brother since the day the separation was official.
“Earlier tonight, Mr. Potter was in an accident,” they inform him. “We can’t tell you much over the phone, but he is unconscious and—“
“Where is he?” Regulus says quickly, already rushing off the couch, adrenaline taking over.
“The ER currently you’re welcome to—“
Regulus hangs up the phone before they can even finish.