Sorry For Not Making You My Centerfold
- JAMES -
They haven’t talked since the day in town. Not once. They’ve walked around each other like ghosts haunting the summer house. The kids can only sit and watch, even if they don’t know what to say. James would try if he could figure out a way out of this mess. If he could see a point. He wants Harry to be happy. He’d do anything to make it so, even if it means he has to get along with Regulus. He would do it. He could try. Then again he knows once this vacation is over he’ll go back to never speaking to him, so he doesn’t really see a reason. They’re not in love anymore, they will never be in love again. James is fine with that. It took him probably too long to get to this point but it’s true. He’s fine. Regulus isn’t his husband anymore, he’s not his anything. He’s moved passed it. He’s had to.
He built himself up over all these years, he’s figured out ways to protect himself. It took years of tearing down the old and building a new. He struggled and he cried out when everything went to shit. He wasn’t only losing Regulus he was losing a part of himself too. He needed to relearn himself, find a new person in the fallout. He is not the same person who fell in love with Regulus, but he isn’t the same person who fell out of love with him either. He’s just new. He’s shed his skin in a sense. Regulus coming back now, and staying with him shouldn’t be enough to shake him. It shouldn't break all the good he’s done to move away from his past, but somehow miraculously it has. He feels uneasy on his feet for the first time in years and he’s not sure what to do with that.
This room doesn’t help. James should’ve taken his parents’ room, he’s sure they wouldn’t care. It was stupid to still call it their room, James spends more time here than they do. The only other room was his and Regulus’ old one. He hasn’t slept in it since the divorce, it puts a bitter taste in his mouth now. Every time he wakes up he expects Regulus to be right beside him. Whether he’d be pushing deeper in his chest trying to chase after sleep, or staring at the opposite wall his back turned to James refusing to speak. It changes every time he wakes up and it’s never any less disorienting to wake to.
Sitting at the end of the bed with his head in his hand he can’t help but imagine Regulus walking through the door. They’re younger than they are now, bright-eyed not yet away of what their life would lead them. Regulus was always so beautiful here, he was beautiful always but especially at the beach with the sun dripping off of him. He looked happier here too, as if all his worries and stress melted away the moment he walked through the house. He’d drag James out of here, complaining that he’d be wasting all their time rotting away in the room. It was light banter back then, James would laugh and follow him anywhere he took him. The memories are so strong here. James feels like he’s going back and forth in time. He’s not sure where he is.
“Dad?” The door swings open, “Grandma and Grandpa are here.”
James blinks quickly lifting his head, “What?”
Harry’s leaning against the door frame, “Grandma and—“
“I heard you,” James interrupts him, “I didn’t know they were coming.”
Harry looks at him for a moment too long before shrugging, “Well they’re pulling up.”
“But—“
As quickly as he came Harry is running off, and James swears he’s smiling as he does. That boy is going to kill him. Rubbing his face he goes to follow him. He wants to see his parents, he loves being around them, but having them in this house with Regulus is going to be too much. They haven’t all been together in over seven years, he can’t even remember when they were all together before the divorce. They got so busy during that time, or at least they claimed to be. The truth is James didn’t want his parents to see his love story crumble between his fingers. It wasn’t a pride thing, though he did promise them it would last. It was more of a denial one, he couldn’t even admit they were destroying themselves. He didn’t have it in him.
When he gets down there Regulus is already in Effie’s arms by the door. He doesn’t feel stiff like James would’ve thought, he seems perfectly at ease. A slight jealousy reaches at his throat, clawing at words he’ll never say. If he could go back in time and do everything again would he? Not even to change anything. If it all ended the same way would he do it just to have Regulus back for a moment or two? Would Regulus do the same? Would he jump at the chance to be called James’ again? There’s an ache in his chest, he doesn’t think he’ll ever find a remedy for it.
“James,” Monty greets slipping through the door. “I was hoping you’d be a little happier to see us.”
James shakes his thoughts from his head, he feels pricks go down his arms. He looks over at Regulus one last time, he can’t hear what he’s saying but he looks happy. He hasn’t looked that happy around James in such a long time. He turns to his Dad, “Yeah well you came with no warning.”
Monty laughs, “Yeah that’s the point of a surprise.”
Effie steps forward, hugging James quickly, “Harry called us. We thought we’d stay for the day.”
“Also it’s our house,” Monty jokes.
James laughs dryly, “Yeah, yeah. Stay all you like.”
Not even a moment passes before Harry is taking his grandparents' hands and tugging them forward, “Come with me for a second.” Quickly he looks over to Regulus and James, “Not you two.”
James puts his hands up, “Alright.”
They disappear into the house and James knows Harry is planning something. He loves his grandparents, but he sees them enough he doesn’t need to invite them over for the day for nothing. He’s never done it before. It’s normally James that plans for those types of things. Especially with Luna here James would’ve thought Harry would be too distracted by her company to think of inviting anyone else around. James glances back at Regulus to see if he’s thinking the same but his eyes are somewhere else. He used to be able to follow him. He’d dive straight into his head without a thought. Neither of them needed words to have full-on conversations. They could hear their love in silence, and see it in plain darkness. Now there’s nothing. Only a strange ringing in his ear.
“He’s up to something,” he calls out.
Regulus shakes his head, breaking away from his head, “Yeah, I know.”
Silence.
It’s times like these when James remembers why they fought as much as they did. The silence was the worst part. It dug into his chest, breaking away at his ribs and wrapped around his throat. Choking him more with every beat of his heart. It stung worse than any of the words spat between them. At least then he knew where they stood. He didn’t need to guess. He knew Regulus hated him and that was better than not knowing at all. There were always so many words sitting on the tip of his tongue back then, and now to some extent. Apologies and forgiveness always overruled by the constant need to scream out like a wounded animal. He never wanted to coat his words in poison it’s just what happened to him. Falling out of love with the love of your life isn’t a pill that goes down easy. It’s still sitting in James’ throat throbbing to this day.
When he opens his mouth now a sarcastic comment climbs out of his throat. It’s ready to pound against the reopening wound. To create something out of nothing. Stop this silence and the constant reminder that there’s no longer love pouring out of it. Regulus is looking at him, and he can already tell what James is going to say. He doesn’t fight it, he just looks at him. Whether it’s because of exhaustion or to pretend to be the bigger person James won’t let him win. He swallows it back instead.
Nothing has changed between them since last time, not really, they’ve just grown sadder. There’s still hatred, it runs deep and cuts heavy, and none of that is fixed. They’re not screaming at each other but they’re not talking either. When they leave this place it will be how it used to be. Nothing will be fixed. James doesn’t want it to be fixed, he just wants Regulus to be gone from here. He wants him to go home where he’s far and James doesn’t have to see him every single day. He doesn’t want the constant reminder of what they became. His younger self aches at the very thought of it.
Regulus nods slowly, before walking off without a word. A part of James wants to trail after him like a bird on a string. He hasn’t done it in years he’s not sure why the urge is so strong right now. He turns away to the front door instead, slipping out of it without a thought. He doesn’t bring anything with him down to the beach, not even his phone. Being alone with his thoughts isn’t something he really wants to do, but he doesn’t want to go back into the house. Fresh air is good, if he closes his eyes it’s almost like he disappears entirely. He’s back to even only a few years ago. Regulus far from his mind, or at least as far away as possible. Harry is laughing beside him, tugging his arm begging to go get ice cream.
Harry’s getting older too. Being with Regulus again reminds him of it. The last time they were together Harry was so small, he was only six. He knew what it meant for them to be separated but the obsession with getting them back together didn’t start till later. He never says anything, or at least when he does he does it on purpose. He knows exactly what to say to dig deep and guilt them into doing what he wants. James doesn’t blame him, not really. If his parents got divorced when he was younger he would fight for them. He wouldn’t understand it. James once thought the love he had with Regulus was like his parents, the forever kind. He’s devastated Harry will never have that love to look up to. He won’t have parents he can look to as a guide for all his future love stories, or at least James prays he doesn’t.
It’s not that he doesn’t want Harry to find someone like Regulus. Regulus isn’t a bad person he’s never been, even throughout the worst of it. James blames him for a lot of what happened, yes, but he’s still a good man. He’s a good father to Harry. He just doesn’t want Harry to find someone who will rip his heart out. He wants him to find someone who will be good for him. Someone who will keep their vows and love him for a lifetime.
When he opens his eyes the waves break forward towards him. When the divorce was finalized Harry was at his parents. They thought it would be better if he wasn’t with them when it happened, make sure they didn’t fight about who would take him. James remembers telling them he wouldn’t fight, but he also knew he wouldn’t let Harry leave the house. Regulus was staying at Pandora’s he didn’t have an official place to stay yet, but he moved all his boxes out that night. James stayed for a bit, watching over him. He wasn’t scared of Regulus taking anything he wasn’t supposed to. He could’ve taken anything for all James cared. He didn’t want to be plagued by memories. He wanted Regulus to sit up at night looking at their unused shared mugs in the kitchen cupboard and think about him.
He left after only twenty minutes, getting in his car and driving off without a destination. He first thought about going off to his parents, even if he wasn’t allowed, but he ended up at this same beach. He didn’t go in the house, didn’t need to. He sat on the sand instead, watching the tide go in under the hood of the moon. He remembers watching it crawl up towards him and sink back. As the tide went out he thought of Regulus packing away their life. He found joy in it back then, thinking he’d gotten over the bitter taste of separation. He didn’t realize how much of their life was conjoined back then. They were one entity, James didn’t know how much it stung to rip them apart from each other. He smiled as the tide went out for the last time, thinking he was finally free. He was clean.
Now he’s right back in it. With Regulus all over him like a cheap wine. He thought he was so far from this. He didn’t think he’d want to hurt Regulus the way he wants to hurt him now. He wants to leave teeth marks he’ll never be able to be rid of. He wants to bite a piece of him off so it’ll rot in his chest until the day he dies. He’s falling back on old habits and he has no one to blame for it but himself. Maybe at some point, he would’ve wanted to make it work, but now he’s just tired. If Regulus won’t put a foot forward and explain everything that went wrong James won’t even try to convince himself to make it work. To trick himself into believing all the history between them is just fine. He doesn’t even know what Regulus is thinking. James just gets like this when he’s around. He gets in his head and spins him around.
“You’re running away again?”
James looks behind him to find his Dad walking down to the beach. Harry isn’t in sight, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. “What?”
Quietly Monty sits beside him keeping his eyes on him, “Harry talked to me.”
“That’s never good,” James mumbles.
Monty smiles, “He’s a good kid.”
“Yeah I know,” James looks back out to the tide. “But he’s smart too and that’s not always a good thing.” Especially when Luna is with him. They learned at a very young age that if they worked together they could fool anyone. One of them has a plan and the other helps to execute it. It works every single time.
Monty goes quiet for a moment, he’s always been that way. When he speaks he likes to have his words all set up. James can count on one hand the number of times he’s seen him get angry. He’s always very level-headed. “This isn’t the first time he’s talked to me about this.”
He doesn’t even need to say what it is, James already knows. He knows Harry is upset about his parents not being together, even if he doesn’t say it. He’s tried to ease his pain but nothing seems to be working. “We’re not getting back together.”
“I’m not telling you to do that,” he says. “But Harry tells me you’ve been fighting this whole trip.”
“He’s been—“
“Ah,” Monty cuts him off. “He’s talking to your mum inside. He’s getting talked to too.”
James shakes his head, they’re being treated like children but he doesn’t have a reason to fight them on it. They’ve been acting the same way. Whenever they’re together they can’t help it. They lost the ability to talk like adults a long time ago. “I’m trying for Harry.”
“Why don’t you try for yourself?”
“I have no reason to be friends with Regulus,” James answers. “If it was for myself I wouldn’t be seeing him at all.”
Monty nods slowly, “You shared a life with him.”
“That was a long time ago,” James sighs. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It matters more than you know,” He says. “You never talk about it.”
“Believe me I talk about it with Lily all the time,” James tells him. “She’s getting sick of it.”
“That’s not what I meant,” He replies. “Complaining and talking are two different things. You complain about Regulus all the time. If he does something you hate you call your mum and talk her ear off. But you’ve never, not even while it was going on come to us and tell us about it. Have you ever gone to anyone?”
James didn’t like talking about it then, he barely likes talking about it now. Though now it’s more because of how much time has passed, it feels so trivial to bring up ancient history now. He shrugs, “There was nothing really to say.”
“Why did you two separate?” Monty asks. It’s the first time someone has asked him up front, well calmly anyway. Sirius asked sometimes back then. It was always filled with anger. He didn’t mean it, he just didn’t like the idea of picking a side. James swore to never break his little brother’s heart, and Regulus swore to never break James’. They made promises to Sirius and they let him down. He had reasons for his anger. Everyone had a reason.
“I—“ his first reaction is to respond with he doesn’t know. He’s not sure how good that would do him though. “We just didn’t love each other the way we used to.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“There has to be a reason,” after a beat passes with no response he says, “People like you two don’t just fall out of love over nothing.”
“We were fighting a lot.”
“Why?”
“Dad.”
“Come on,” Monty says, “Work with me. Why were you fighting a lot?”
“I don’t know,” James says. “We just were always angry at each other. Regulus was always pissed at me even when I did nothing wrong. We just hated being around each other. As soon as Harry went to bed we stopped talking, we could hardly interact with each other.”
“Did you ever ask him why?”
“I—“
“Without yelling,” Monty adds. “Did you ever sit him down and ask him what was going on with him?”
“He never let me get a word in,” James answers. “I tried.”
“Did he know you tried?”
This is a conversation they should’ve had years ago. James thinks his Dad knows it too. Maybe it wouldn’t have fixed anything if they did try, or maybe it would’ve saved them. There’s no way to know now. It’s not as if they didn’t talk at all. James tried. Regulus tried even if James didn’t notice it at the time. They were trying so hard it was killing them, it broke them apart. They tried. And yes they fought. They fought all the time. They bit and they leapt at each other trying to tear pieces out of the other. That’s all true. They didn’t talk as much as they should’ve. They jumped to conclusions. But James was trying. That was him trying and he doesn’t care what anyone else tells him. He did his fucking best. Maybe it was a big mistake. Maybe he did everything wrong and Regulus is right for hating him. But he didn’t want to separate. He never wanted that. He grew to hate Regulus after fighting tooth and nail to make sure it never happened. He fucking tried.
“I don’t know,” James mumbles.
“Don’t you think you should ask him?”
He hates when other people try to intervene. He knows all they’re doing is trying to help. Their separation didn’t only affect them it messed with everyone. Everyone was fighting for them to be right again. It would’ve been better for Harry it would’ve been better for them too. James isn’t afraid to admit that he’s missed Regulus over these past seven years. It’s inevitable. It happens. He wouldn’t ever say it out loud, but in his head it’s fine. He just wishes they were both better. Maybe if they were things would’ve worked out fine. Maybe if James was a better man Regulus could’ve been his. Maybe if Regulus was a better man James would’ve stuck around a little longer. James has replayed the tape so many times. He’s hidden behind anger and spat out arguments until his throat hurts. It’s easier than admitting the truth. He doesn’t think separating was a mistake but he misses Regulus. He misses the life they had and the future they planned out perfectly. Maybe if he would’ve told Regulus that then it would’ve been enough for them to try a little harder. Maybe Regulus would’ve even said it back. It doesn’t matter anymore though. He’s not sure why he’s thinking about it so much now.
“I can’t do this again,” James admits. “I can’t go back there.”
“You have to,” Monty says, his voice is soft but it does nothing to soften the blow. “I know Harry messes around a lot. And when we were talking he was acting as if this was nothing, like it was a big prank or something. But he’s hurting. You and Regulus being separated and not talking things through is hurting him.” He adds, “You don’t need to get back together with him. You don’t even need to see him all the time. But you need to be able to see him occasionally and at least go out to dinner with him and Harry. For his sake.”
James knows he needs to be better for him. He can’t let this go on like this anymore. Harry is suffering for it. He doesn’t want his son to be in pain because he and his Papa can’t figure out how to get along. He never wanted for any of this. But seeing Regulus is like pushing on a bruise. Setting his hand over an open flame, it burns. Regulus holds the same eyes James fell in love with all those years ago, and sometimes they even look the exact same. James is suddenly tossed back into that time, like a pebble in the ocean to be washed away with the tide. If it were up to him he would never see Regulus again. Pretend he’s dead and move on. It would be easier on all of them.
“I know,” he whispers.
“We’ll take the kids tonight,” Monty tells him. “You two talk tonight, yeah? We’ll make sure Regulus will go through with it. And in case it turns into a fight the kids won’t be there to hear.”
James wants to say no. He wants to refuse, but he knows he shouldn’t. He’s not sure what will become of them if they let this go on any longer. They still have most of the week left. They’ve only lasted a few days and are already close to killing each other. If only to get through this holiday they’ll do it. To soothe Harry’s pain he’ll try.
“Okay,” he mumbles. “I’ll try.”
“Good,” Monty gets up, “You coming with.”
James shakes his head, “I think I’ll just stay out here for a bit.”
Monty nods sadly, it shines in his eyes. “Alright.” Before leaving he says, “It’s going to be okay, you know. No matter what happens tonight we’ll love you, both of you.”
“Yeah,” James forces a small smile, “I know.”
He’s never hated his parents for still loving Regulus. He’s their son too. It would be wrong of him to cut him from their life. He’s not sure how often they see each other. He’s never wanted to ask.
He watches his Dad climb back up to the house and disappear within it. He knows Regulus is there, being just as a part of the family as he used to be. It’s a strange feeling that sits in his chest, a longing for something already lost.
He turns back to the sea, trying to catch his breath.
- REGULUS -
The day moves quickly, or maybe it’s too slow Regulus can’t even notice it. Effie talked to him for a lot of it, he’s stubborn, it’s in his blood. She’s James’ mother, though, he couldn’t exactly fight with her. She’s his mother too, even if he hardly ever admits it, especially not after the divorce. It doesn’t feel right. Like he’s infringing on something that’s no longer his. Like a little kid not willing to accept that the toys he donated aren’t really his anymore. Effie didn’t seem upset, or at all impatient. Regulus was always closer with Monty, they did well with silence. They’d spend their time going through the extensive library the Potters kept, not even Monty knew what they all were. Though Regulus loved Effie the same, sometimes he would sit in the kitchen only for her company if not for conversation. She’s very good with her words, even if it doesn’t seem like it. She comforts people as easily as breathing but there’s a cost to it Regulus found himself agreeing to talk to James without control.
He doesn’t want to talk with him, he can barely be in the same room with him. And yet here he is, sitting at the kitchen table staring at the front door just like he did all those years ago. The kids have left, gone with Effie and Monty. They went way too willingly in Regulus’ opinion. They’re up to something he knows it. Not that Harry isn’t always excited to see his grandparents or anything, he’s just surprised he’s leaving with them when he could be messing with his parents instead. Though maybe that’s the point. Push them together and force them into a conversation, guilt them into thinking they’re being awful parents by not. To be fair they are being awful parents but that’s a whole other deal.
James has gone off somewhere, as soon as they left, he’s been gone for a while. Though time moves slowly, being trapped in the memory. It’s almost like no time has passed, he’s still right where James left him. Staring down the hallway waiting for a sprinkle of attention. He bites the inside of his cheek trying to distract himself with another kind of pain. Most of the time he feels anger at his past self. He’s angry he didn’t leave sooner or try harder. He blames himself for a lot of it, not as much as James to be fair, but he does take some of the fall. He should’ve left sooner. He would’ve if he wasn’t so terrified of being alone. Sometimes, on the very brief occasion, all he can feel is pity. He hates that he had to sit at the kitchen table feeling unloved by the man who taught him the very concept. And a part of himself wants to protect his former self from the man who vowed to do that very job.
The longer he waits the further the cycle goes on. Quickly switching from a bubbling anger to a soft sadness similar to the turning of the tide. He could go find him. Chase after him like some kind of rom-com, gone wrong apparently. But he won’t. He’ll sit here, just like all the other times he’s sat in this same position waiting for James to get home. At least now he’ll have the guts to yell at him for it, or at least make a comment. Even toward the end he never talked about him being late, or having him worry. It was something so personal for him, he couldn’t bear release it. It would’ve made him feel unzipped.
When James eventually comes through the door Regulus is staring right at him, “You had to keep me waiting?”
He expects James to scoff, but instead, he slides into the chair across from him. It feels like that last night again. They’re not saying anything, they’re not arguing, they’re just tired and done. That last night they didn’t fight. They hardly did anything. It was a quiet end, like a star falling from the sky.
“So,” James says. “We should talk then.”
“It seems like it,” Regulus replies. He’s not sure how to do that. He knows James doesn’t know how either. Looking back he didn’t think they would ever get to his point. Not only did he never think they’d talk after the divorce, not like this anyway. He didn’t think they would’ve ever talked through their feelings when they were in the thick of it back then. Even further back he didn’t think they needed to talk like this, back when they were all in love and everything. That was a long time ago. He hates obsessing over it even now.
“Are you going to say something?” Regulus asks after a prolonged silence.
James bites the inside of his cheek, he’s holding himself back. Regulus wants him to scream at him, and he wants him to yell. He wants him to grow angry. It’s so much better than disappointment. Regulus knows he’s not that good of a person, he knew it back then too. He grabbed whatever he could be pulled on old scars until they bled. He did everything he could to protect himself even if it meant tearing other people down. It was better when James did the same. Most people wouldn’t think James was capable of it, but he’s even worse than Regulus.
“We’re not going to fight,” he says.
“That’s all we know how to do,” Regulus tells him.
“We didn’t always,” James says softly, he looks so much younger now. Regulus almost wants to hold him. What happened between them was a tragedy. They were never supposed to hate each other, they weren’t born for it. When they fell in love they weren’t fated to break each other's hearts that’s just what happened. He can’t help but imagine going back in time and meeting that old James again. Having to tell him how their story ended. He doesn’t think he could bear it. He wants James to hurt. He wants him to cry out in pain at Regulus’ hand, but sometimes he gets stuck on how it was before. He can’t erase their past, it’s there sitting in a cavity of his chest, looming over him for the rest of his life. On his death bed will it still be James’ name that he calls for? Will he be the one his mind thinks of in his last moments?
“What do you want out of this, James?” Regulus pushes.
“I didn’t ask to talk,” James responds.
“I know,” Regulus says. “You still agreed.”
“So did you,” James says, “What do you want out of it?”
“I asked you first.”
James looks away, annoyance clinging to his eyes. Regulus finds pride in it. He doesn’t mean to. Back when they were on their last leg he grew tired of always being upset every time James grew angry at him. Everything Regulus did was wrong, he couldn’t figure out how to fix it. So he tricked himself into loving every time James grew a temper. He laughed at it. Found it the most amusing thing in the world. It was the only way to protect himself. He feels it even now.
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” James answers.
“You love fighting with me.”
“No, I don’t,” James sighs.
“You do it all the time,” Regulus says.
“Reg—“
“You did it all the time back then too,” Regulus adds. “You started half the fights. You want to fight with me right now, I can tell.”
James grits his teeth, “Can you answer one question?”
“What?”
“You used to love me before,” James says.
Regulus looks away, “That was a long time ago.”
“When did you stop?”
Regulus freezes, when he manages to look back at James he’s staring directly at him. His eyes are the same ones he fell in love with all those years ago. It’s like nothing has changed. “What?”
“You said you’re not in love with me anymore—“
“I’m not.”
James nods, “So when did you stop?” When he doesn’t speak he adds, “Come on Reg. There has to be a moment you realized for certain you didn’t love me anymore. When was it?”
It was slow. Regulus falling out of love with James. It rotted away at his chest until there was nothing left of it. He’s still not sure where his heart lays, he hasn’t felt it beat in years. He clung onto it as long as he could, leaving claw marks on everything he let go of. James was one of them. He was in love with James even throughout the fighting, it made it worse. He may have fallen out of love with him earlier than the moment he realized, but even now the timeline's blurry. He’s not sure.
“It was my birthday the night before we divorced,” Regulus ends up saying. “I spent it alone.”
James watches him, waiting for him to say more. Emotions tug at his eyes, as if he’s trying to think back in time to see if it was true.
“I hated you,” Regulus reassures him. “But even when I hated you I loved you. That night I didn’t want you to show up, I knew I didn’t want to spend my birthday fighting with you. I was with Sirius most of the day, he took me out to distract me from everything. Took me to see Harry cause I couldn’t go alone yet. But then the night came. I wasn’t supposed to go back to the house, but I ended up there. You weren’t there. You never came home.” He can’t believe he’s admitting this now, but this ancient history created him. “I couldn’t help but imagine you coming in with this big cake wishing me happy birthday. You never did. You never even showed up.”
James stays silent, his lips slightly parted.
Regulus shakes his head, “I don’t know if that’s when I stopped loving you, but it’s when I realized.”
“Did you feel anything after that?” James asks.
“No,” Regulus says, his chest squeezing at his words. “Nothing.”
“I was at Lily’s that night,” James says. “I wanted to show up but knew I shouldn’t. She stopped me.”
Regulus has a hard time believing it. James didn’t want anything to do with him back then. “Were you in love with me then?”
“I don’t know,” James mumbles. “I don’t know when I stopped.”
Regulus's chest aches, and he’s not even sure why. He knew James didn’t love him anymore, but he’s never heard it out loud before. Not like this. He’s heard it hidden between shouted words and slurred screams, but never like this.
“You taught me what love was, James, and then you took it away.” He feels the familiar sting in his eye. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you for that.”
He sees tears in James’ eyes too, “I’m—“ he takes a breath. “I know I could’ve done better, we both could’ve.”
“Do you think we could’ve ever made it work?” Regulus finds himself asking. “Were we always just going to end here?”
“I don’t know,” James whispers. “Is it better to think we failed or that we were doomed?”
Regulus doesn’t know the answer. He doesn’t know a lot of things. This is the longest they’ve talked to each other without breaking out into a fight in a long time. He’s not sure where to go from here, he doesn’t know what to do without clinking teeth and sharp claws. Their last night was very similar to this. They didn’t fight. They didn’t say anything really, they just sat there knowing the end was near. They fell into bed together, loved like it was the first time. Regulus isn’t sure what happened, or why they both let everything go for that night. It was a gift to their former selves, a glimpse of a life they knew would never hold.
“I’m sorry,” James says, and Regulus’ chest drops. He’s never said it before. At least not one that he means anyway. “For not making you my priority. For not trying hard enough to fix it.”
“I don’t think we could’ve fixed it,” Regulus says, though he’s not sure if it’s true. He’s sure one day they could’ve, if something were to have changed.
“I’m sorry anyway.”
Regulus takes a breath, “I’m sorry too.” He’s never really gotten used to saying it. “We could’ve—I could’ve talked to you but I didn’t.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“It felt stupid,” Regulus tells him. “It’s not like it matters now anyway.”
“Yeah, I guess not,” James says.
Regulus is already exhausted and they’ve hardly talked at all. He’s not sure what good this does them. Yes, they’re both sorry for it now, but they’ll go back to fighting soon anyway. They bicker, it’s all they do. They pick each other apart until there’s nothing left. This won’t change anything. It just makes the open wound bigger. They were in love once, and they’re not anymore. That’s it. That’s all there is.
“What now?” He asks.
“I don’t know,” James says.
“Do you know anything?”
James scoffs, “I don’t see you having all the answers.”
“Why is it always up to me?” Regulus questions.
“Name one time when you’ve ever…” James stops himself. “We were doing good, you know.”
Regulus finds himself laughing, it’s small, but it’s something, “I told you.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“I did not!”
James sends him a pointed look.
“Okay fine.” Regulus says, “After this holiday we’ll just go back to never talking to each other.”
“That’s the plan?” James asks.
Regulus nods, “It’s the easiest one.”
He’s not a fool he knows this day is a fluke. This place just makes them soft, as soon as they leave it they’ll go back to the way it was before. And he’s fine with that. He doesn’t need James in his life anymore, he’s perfectly okay with forgetting any of this ever happened. He knows they need to be civil for Harry, but he has no faith in them. Maybe they’ll be able to have a five-minute conversation, but sitting together at dinner without biting each other's heads off would be impossible.
“You’re giving up again?” James’ voice turns cold.
“I’m not giving up,” Regulus argues. “It’s just not worth it.”
“Don’t pull that bullshit with me,” James says. “You’re going to just end up hurting Harry by being stubborn.“
“Where did the argument start?” Regulus cuts him off, “You’re doing the same thing I am!”
“At least I’m trying!”
“A little too late for that,” Regulus spits out. “I don’t recall you trying when our fucking marriage was falling apart.”
James looks away, closing his eyes, “You’re a fucking asshole.”
“And you’re the one who married me,” Regulus mumbles, “You knew what you were getting into.”
“Yeah,” James gets up, his chair scrapping against the floor, “I did.”
“Are you all mad at me now?” Regulus asks. “I didn’t do anything.”
“I loved you, Reg,” James tells him. “You told me that I took my love away but I didn’t. I loved you Regulus.”
“You never showed it,” Regulus says, standing up too. “I did everything fucking right. I waited home for you to show up and all I asked was a little bit of attention and you gave me nothing.”
“What are you talking about?” James scoffs.
“You stopped caring about me, James!” Regulus tells him. “You stopped asking about how my day was and running to me to tell me about yours the moment you got home. You never called me in the middle of the day just to hear my voice. That stupid vase sat on the dining room table just fucking mocking me.”
“What vase?” James yells.
Regulus steps forward past the table, pushing James back, “All you did was start arguments because you didn’t know how to do anything else. You were so fucking desperate to feel some kind of emotion you made our lives hell just to get it.”
“Fuck off. Stop acting like you never did anything wrong!” James pushes back, “You weren’t exactly a fucking saint, Regulus. You shut me out!”
“Well, I’m sorry I wasn’t going to fall to your knees begging for your attention!” Regulus pushes him back one final time until they’re up against the wall. “I’ve got a little bit of self-respect left!”
“You’re so fucking dramatic,” James seethes. “I didn’t do anything!”
“Exactly!” Regulus argues. “You never fucking did anything!”
“You’re so—“ James grumbles, and two seconds later his lips are on his. Regulus isn’t exactly sure how it happened, but he doesn’t pull away like he should. James steps forward slamming him into the other wall and all Regulus can do is open his mouth and let him in. It’s bad of him. He shouldn’t. He’s had self-control all these years, he hasn’t followed him. But this is the only way they know how to stop fighting, he should’ve known it was gonna lead to this.
“James,” He tries, but he’s not exactly trying to stop it. His hands are already reaching for the waistband of his pants.
James tugs on the ends of Regulus’ hair, pushing him closer to him, trailing his lips down the side of his neck, “I fucking hate you.”
Regulus chuckles darkly, “You’re the one who’s got me up against the wall.”
James ignores him, bringing their lips together again before shoving him down the hallway. There’s nothing uncertain about any of it. It’s all wandering hands and sharp breaths. Both their shirts are thrown off before they even make it to the stairs.
Regulus’ fingers fiddle with the button on James’ jeans, “Fucking insufferable.”
If he tricks himself into believing they’re only tricked by the illusion of being young again maybe he could get rid of that guilt rotting in his chest. They shouldn’t be doing this, but he’s already leaning back on the bed with James hovering over him. It’s been years since Regulus has seen the sight but James looks the same. His eyes all blown out and lips turning red.
“I can’t fucking—“
“Just fuck me, Potter,” Regulus spits, “Get on with it.”
He knows where this is going to go. Neither of them is going to stop it. No matter how much they swear this will be a one-time thing, or promise they hate each other it won’t change that. Regulus is tired of talking about it.
James barely takes a breath before his mouth is back on Regulus’ neck, his teeth slide against his skin, it’s a familiar sting. It all goes very fast. One second they’re ripping the rest of their clothes off and the next they’re screaming each other’s names. Whether it be out of anger or pleasure Regulus isn’t sure, probably both. He runs his nails against James’ back, trying to pull off skin, and make permanent marks to remind James of how far he’s fallen. James bites Regulus’ shoulder to do the same.
It doesn’t last long, it never does when they get like this. It’s not meant to. It’s not about slowly taking each other apart to show the love shared between them. It’s about ending fights and taking out all the aggression that’s lingering from it. It only takes a moment before James is falling on his back beside Regulus, looking up at the ceiling with him. They don’t look at each other as they catch their breaths, covered in each other.
“We’re not—“ James tries to say.
“Yeah,” Regulus cuts him off. “A one-time thing,” It’s only now that Regulus realizes they’re in their old room. The one James is staying in. It’s almost like they're back there. They’ll roll over and fall asleep with their backs facing each other. It’s so fucking stupid. All of this. Slipping out of bed Regulus shamefully grabs his clothes from the floor before slipping out without another word. When he reaches his room he finds himself leaning against the door, frozen with shock.
He feels tears coat his eyelashes before he has a second to breathe, and his chest aches. Throwing his head back he squeezes his eyes shut, “Fuck.”