Death (XIII)
- REGULUS -
There’s a little town about fifteen minutes from the house. There’s not much in it, a couple of stores and a pizza place that serves the shittiest food Regulus has ever eaten. And yet there’s still a certain charm to the place, he used to love coming here. They’d walk around dipping into the same stores every single day, even if the items inside them haven’t changed in two decades. Grabbing ice cream and teasing James for getting bubblegum, which is an awful flavor and he’s an idiot for getting it. Regulus still holds that grudge even now. Today, however, Regulus wishes to be anywhere but here. He doesn’t want to walk around this shitty little town anymore, it no longer has the call of home when the wind blows. It’s full of dead-end streets and brings him into an awful cycle of grieving over something he wishes to not remember existed at all.
Memories leave such a bitter taste in Regulus’ mouth now, he’s not sure there’s one that hasn’t been touched by melancholia. Even the beautiful ones he’s had with Harry are washed away by the very fact that James isn’t in them. Regulus doesn’t even want James in them, that’s the problem. If he could erase him from their history, take Harry for his own, and run, he would. He wouldn’t even hesitate. But Harry is always missing his Dad when he’s not around, just like he’s sure he’s missing his Papa too. Regulus can’t win, there’s nothing he can do to make Harry happy all the time. He’s not enough to cover the shadow James leaves behind. So even the memories he holds that are surrounded by a golden glow. The one’s he’s laughing in, the ones that don’t have any traces of James at all, are tarnished by the very idea of him. Regulus never wanted this for himself. He never wanted to be divorced in the first place though, so it seems he never really gets what he wants.
The air is hot, Regulus can already feel the sweat sticking to his skin. The kids don’t seem to mind, they have their heads pressed together in front of them. Begrudgingly Regulus is walking next to James. It wasn’t either of their ideas but the sidewalk isn’t wide enough for them all to walk together and walking in a single-file line feels too stupid to be a good option. So here they are. James keeps his arms crossed and Regulus wants to kick him like he’s still ten. He settles for sending glaring glances at him whenever he can.
They used to walk down these very street hand in hand and now they’re demoted to this. Barely even looking at each other, wandering the streets of their past life like strangers. Regulus planned to love this man for a lifetime and yet he can barely breathe the same shared air anymore. He doesn’t know how they got to point A to B. He’s not sure if he regrets any of it. All he knows is past all the curses shouted and cries silenced between clinking teeth, they’re always left here. All they are are what is held between them now. Not much. They could’ve had it all, and now they have nothing. Regulus never brought flowers to their grave, he stomped all over it instead. It’s for the better and all that bullshit. It doesn’t really matter. Being here just reminds him of what they had. He needs to get out of this shit town before it gets any worse. It’s not good for anyone.
“You know you told me I can’t ruin the trip for Harry,” James ends up saying. “Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing now?”
Regulus scoffs, fighting the urge to roll his eyes at his idiocy. It’s funny he used to find it cute. He used to kiss him for it, smile like a fool and call him ridiculous. Thankfully he’s grown out of it. “What are you talking about?”
James shrugs, acting as if he doesn’t know when he does, “You’re just not doing what you told me to do. Seems a bit hypocritical.”
“I’m doing the exact same thing you are,” Regulus argues.
James hums shortly, “Isn’t that the problem?”
“You’re just looking to pick a fight?” Regulus replies.
James shakes his head, “No.”
Whenever James is lying he can’t make eye contact, not that they’ve been doing it much to begin with, but it’s worse when he’s trying to lie. He’ll look anywhere but your face. No matter how long goes by he’s never lost that part of his goodness. There’s no other way to describe it. James Potter has always been a good person, Regulus may hate him but it doesn’t make it any less true. He’s a good father too. Regulus is glad for it, he wants Harry to have good parents, even if they don’t speak. The lying thing isn’t the worst thing. When they were together it was nice to know he was always telling the truth. That is until the fighting started to happen and James called Regulus names while staring directly into his soul. He knew he was telling the truth. It was worse when he never told him he loved him unless his back was turned. It slowly chipped away at his heart until it was rotten. All but a small part of which Regulus gave to Harry without a thought. He has no room for anything else. He didn’t have much of a heart before James. He was the one who gifted it to him in the first place. Making it even worse considering he was the one who took it back when he no longer needed the vessel it came in.
Sometimes Regulus wishes he could wipe his entire memory and start clean. He doesn’t want to know that James hums their wedding song under his breath when he gets nervous. He doesn’t want to know that he curls around anything possible when he sleeps. He doesn’t want to know that he watches movies over and over until he can quote all the lines, but he never says them out loud cause he doesn’t want anyone to be annoyed with him, so he just mouths the words instead. He doesn’t want to know that James has always wanted a cat but refused to get one because Sirius hates them. He doesn’t want to know anything about this man, but he knows too much. He can’t get it out of his head. No matter how desperately he tries it’s still there. His only hope is that James feels the same way about him. He hopes he’s living inside James’ brain even now. All his little quirks and bad habits are in the lining of James’ heart. Somewhere they’ll never leave. He wants James to hate him more than anything. Maybe then he’ll find some relief from this pain that won’t ever leave him.
“Would it kill you to be civil?” Regulus grumbles, knowing the answer is yes. James loves picking at scabs until they bleed and inevitably scar. He wasn’t always that way, but when the fighting got to its worst he was always the one starting them. Regulus thinks it was just easier for him to talk than sit in silence. Regulus grew up in solitude, he got used to the uncomfortable air of silence. James never did, he never figured out how to deal with it. So he’d bicker, and start all the fights back up until there was nothing left of either of them. They bled themselves dry.
“I could be telling you the same thing,” James says. “You’re the one who hasn’t spoken a word to me all day, if anything I’ve started the conversation.”
“It’s a shit way to start one,” Regulus tells him. “I’m already pissed at you.”
“You’re always pissed at me.”
“At least you’re learning.”
They both take a breath. The thing is Regulus doesn’t really want to be civil. Being civil means they can be in a conversation without wanting to tear out each other's throats. They’re never going to reach that point, not again anyway. They can’t be civil, they can’t be anything. There’s nothing that can fix the mess that they’ve created for themselves. He knows this. Hell James does too he just loved poking the bear. Regulus doesn’t know what’s left for them here, he doesn’t think there’s anything left. They packed it all away in boxes and lost where the moving vans ended up taking them. Doesn’t really matter anyway. They’re always in the same position.
“For Harry,” James starts again, this time through gritted teeth, “We could…”
“Don’t try to sound like the bigger person, James,” Regulus cuts him off, finally turning towards him. For a moment, just one single second, he sees the man he used to know. He sees him bright-eyed with the biggest smile on his face running down the street calling out for Regulus to chase after him. He sees him with ice cream all over his nose because every time he gets a cone in his hand he turns two. For a moment they’re back at their honeymoon head over heels in love with each other. And then it all washes away like the tide. Just like that. “We both know you aren’t one.”
There’s a memory brushes against the side of James’ eye and Regulus wonders if it’s the same one he had. It’s not that he cares. He doesn’t want to be in his head. He’s already been in it enough for a lifetime. “It would work better if you weren’t so impossible.”
You’re impossible, what used to be a phrase of endearment is now turned to ash. Regulus shouldn’t mourn after it. He hasn’t wanted to be called impossible in years, and yet now hearing it in the place their love blossomed kills off a part of himself he thought was long dead. Regulus doesn’t know what to do with his hands, he’s not sure he ever knew.
“You’re fucking ridiculous,” he can do it too. He sees James’ chest twist in his eyes and he revels in it. Then it breaks. He feels a pang in his chest. He’s never felt pain after hurting James, well not in a long time anyway.
The thing is he doesn’t know James at all. He’s not sure of who he’s hurting anymore. Everything that happened between them was so long ago. He doesn’t know if he should be happy he’s in pain or if he should feel indifferent towards it. He doesn’t wish to comfort him, to apologize for everything he’s done. Not when James has done the same, maybe even worse. Who’s to tell?
James laughs crookedly. It’s been so long since Regulus has heard it, he feels it in his chest. Suddenly he’s back in their old house, he hears it rippling off the walls. Back then he kissed him just to make him stop, he hated the sound that much. After getting so used to hearing James laugh of pure happiness anything but almost put him to tears. Even now he has such a visceral reaction to it, he feels sick. “I see what you’re doing,” James tells him, when he smirks Regulus can almost see the blood dripping from his teeth.
“I’m not doing anything,” Regulus says, trying to hide the shakiness of his voice.
James narrows his eyes, hesitating for a moment before saying, “We both know that’s a lie.”
Maybe they do. Maybe they both know they’re just egging each other on until they break. If one of them dies it’s only because the other pulled the trigger. If one of them dies the next will soon follow. They’ll fall on the same blade, and their blood with pool together. No matter how much they hate each other they’ll always end the same way. They’ll always be connected even if they can’t stand that they once changed golden rings. It’s fucking suffocating but it’s life. They put the rings on, they created the string that won’t fucking snap. It’s driving Regulus insane. He wants James insane too, he wants him to pull out his hair in clumps and refuse to speak because of tears in his throat. And maybe that makes him a bad person, but he doesn’t think he cares.
Regulus clenches his jaw, “Can’t you just stop being insufferable for one second?”
James shrugs, “You first.”
They’re acting like children. They always do when the other person is involved. They’ve reverted back to being younger, sneaking out windows just so they can have their feet touch the sea one final time.
Regulus doesn’t know how long they spend staring at each other, he’s not even sure what he’s staring at. He’s not sure who James is. He wonders if James knows who he is. For so long Regulus never imagined that James would turn into something else. He thought he’d always stay the same. Regulus would always be able to read him. Somehow that’s not true anymore. He’s not sure how their history separated, or how time passed them by so quickly. He doesn’t ever allow himself to feel saddened by it. The person he swore to spend the rest of his life with doesn’t love him anymore. Alright, that’s fine, he’ll move on. Staring into James’ eyes now he feels the pain head-on. He hates it. He wants to burn it. So he looks away, to the spot he swore Harry and Luna were standing only moments before.
They’re not there.
“James,” Regulus says slowly, “Where are the kids?”
“Right…” his voice trails off when he turns, “Um.”
“You lost the kids!”
“I lost the kids,” James argues, “Why is this suddenly my fault!”
“You started this stupid conversation,” Regulus exclaims marching quickly down the sidewalk. They’re probably not far, they must’ve not noticed they stopped. They were in their own world the last time he saw them. “If you didn’t talk to me we would still have eyes on them!”
“Can you not blame me for everything wrong in your life!”
Regulus whips around, “I do not blame you for everything wrong in my life!”
James scoffs, “Right.”
“I don’t!”
“Yes, you do!” James tells him.
“I- I can’t get into this right now with you,” Regulus says, he’s already getting a headache. “Just find them!”
“We are finding them!”
They’re not. They’re standing in the middle of the street having a go at each other. Regulus would kill James if he could. Give him a gun he’d make it go quick. He sighs instead, this needs to stop. He can’t keep doing this when Harry is missing. When they find the kids they’ll go right back to killing each other, right now they need to focus. So he grabs onto James’ arms, probably much too hard but he doesn’t give a shit. “Where would he go?”
“Why are you—“
“You’re the one who comes here with him every year,” Regulus cuts him off. “You should know.”
James pauses, his eyes flickering with memories, “We usually go to the pizza place around this time.”
“Great,” Regulus releases his arm. “Let’s go.”
He doesn’t check behind him to make sure James is following him. If he knows what’s right for him he will follow him. Regulus knows the way. He almost wishes he doesn’t. He wishes he could clear his mind of this path and make room for more important things. What he could do if he didn’t have this shitty town engrained in his memory. He can see the map laid out in front of his mind. Can see visions of James and him skipping down the streets, chasing each other to get to the beach first. It almost takes him off his feet, the power of the memory. He keeps his eyes forward, ignoring the loud footsteps from behind him. James could never be quiet, not once in his life. What he once found endearing, constantly being reminded of his presence has now become a curse. Much like most everything else in their once-shared life.
The pizza place isn’t that far from where they were it doesn’t take them that much time to reach it. When they do Regulus walks past the hostess, no matter how much the calls for him back.
The place looks the exact same. That’s the shitty part of towns like this, they don’t change. At one point he might’ve found this romantic. He could relieve the joyous days of falling in love with the asshole he used to call a husband. But now that that is far gone it’s just a reminder of all the years he wasted away. He spends much of his time wondering what he’d do if he ever got that time back. It doesn’t ever do him any good, of course, dreaming up all the what-ifs. He wouldn’t have Harry without James, as unfortunate as it is. That always cuts off the overthinking until it becomes unruly.
Being here just puts that anger back into his chest. Normally he’s better at it, and he can keep it controlled. Memories are bitter weapons if someone can use them right. This place is just a whirlwind of it. The food is so shit here, Regulus remembers that much. It was the only place nearby though so they had to go here when they were too lazy to cook. At the time it was funny. They’d eat shitty food and listen to the owners argue in the back. They were going through a divorce at the time, they found it hilarious. Promising to never end up like them with their pinkies intertwined over the cheap tablecloth. The owners split and sold the business their last summer here. Regulus isn’t sure how the food is now. He doesn’t really have the guts to try it. A part of himself doesn’t want to taint the memories he has of this place. No matter how stupid it sounds. He doesn’t want to go back. He doesn’t want those memories to pull him forward either. He wants to stay detached from them that’s all.
“Regulus,” James shouts over at him, “You can’t just—“
Regulus turns to glare at him, “Shut up, James,” quickly he turns to the hostess, “Have you seen two kids coming in here? One of them looks like him,” he points over at James. He almost throws an idiot in there but he feels like that would be a little juvenile. Also, it would get them nowhere, so really there’s no point. He’s always hated how much Harry looks like his father, well that’s not exactly true. He used to love it. Every time he looked at his son he saw the love of his life, what is there to hate about it? He knows better now.
The hostess blinks, looking between the two of them, “No?”
Regulus shakes his head, “What a waste of time.”
“You’re the one who dragged us here!” James argues.
“It was your suggestion,” Regulus points out.
“Well, do you have any bright ideas?” James asks.
“Would you please—“
Regulus brushes off the hostess, “Yes, we’re leaving.” He snaps, “Come on James.”
With a scoff, James follows him, “You’re impossible.”
Regulus doesn’t slow down to get into yet another pointless argument that will lead them nowhere. It’s not like the kids are in much trouble here, there’s no trouble to get into. Everyone knows everyone in this town, and they’ve known each other for decades for that matter. Regulus has no fear for the kids' safety he just wants to stop being alone with James as quickly as possible.
“Regulus!”
“What?” Regulus spins around.
James sighs, “We need to be civil about this.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “We don’t need to do shit. We just need to find the kids and get out of this town.”
“We won’t be able to do that if you keep picking fights with me,” James says.
“I’m picking fights?”
“Fucking hell,” James grumbles, “Fine we’re picking fights. Both of us. Now tell me where would Luna go?”
Regulus’ shoulders slump, and his breath is hot with anger, no matter how much he tries to cool himself down he just gets up here again. He’s not sure why that is. James does it to him. “Fine,” he says through gritted teeth. He looks around, though he knows this place like the back of his hand. He knows every shop up and down this street. Luna doesn’t know it quite as well, so she’d probably not find anything ducked back some place. Well, she actually would be drawn to those places now that he’s thinking about it. She always gets herself in some mess or another, she has a knack for it actually, but she wouldn’t just go anywhere. There has to be a reason.
Something far enough away that Luna will find interest in it, but not something so obvious that he’d know where she went right away. She learned that from her mother. Regulus is going to kill Pandora the next time he sees her. He loves her and Luna for that matter, but they’re both pieces of work.
“The Crystal shop?”
- JAMES -
James has only been into the crystal shop once, and of course, Regulus was with him. They were walking through the little one-way street trying to find something to do. They were newlyweds then, it was the first place they went after getting married. It’s tucked back in this alleyway, most people don’t know about it. At least when they went in there the first time there wasn’t another soul to be found besides the owner. It’s much of the same this time too. Regulus takes the lead, walking through the different shelves and doorways. The place is completely cluttered, much like it was the first time. He can hardly breathe nonetheless move.
“Are you sure she would come here?” James questions, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. He doesn’t want to start another bickering match if he’s being honest. Doesn’t have much energy for it. Though when they find the kids he’ll go right back at it, he’s sure.
Regulus shrugs, “It seems like a place she would disappear into.”
“But Harry would never,” James says.
“If Luna was with him he would,” Regulus explains. “He goes anywhere she goes.”
James doesn’t know Luna as well as Regulus, as to why he followed him in here in the first place. Obviously, he’s seen Luna and Harry together, they’re friends and are allowed to hang out no matter who Harry is staying with. But Pandora was always a part of Regulus’ life. She was always on his side of things. No matter how many times they shared a bottle of wine and cracked jokes in the living room until Regulus came home all confused, which only made them laugh harder. Or all the days they spent gossiping about whatever came to mind while the kids played. They were so young then, Harry and Luna probably don’t remember it much. James does. He remembers all the moments he spent with Pandora, and the grief he felt when she was no longer a part of his life.
See that’s the thing. When most people think of divorce they think of two people separating, but it’s so much more than that. It’s a life crumbling beneath the tide. Being ripped to shreds until there is nothing left to show for it. James didn’t just lose a husband when it happened, he lost his life too. He lost Pandora, and even Barty and Evan. They were always going to take Regulus’ side, there was no other way it could’ve happened. Regulus lost Remus and Peter too.
Some people say they didn’t try hard enough before ending it. Sirius was one of them. He got over it after a while, when he realized how unhappy they had gotten. But at first, it wasn’t like that. Sirius couldn’t understand how they could just give up, as if it happened in an afternoon. Separating was the hardest thing James had to do. It pulled apart his skin creating scars he simply couldn’t erase, no matter how much time passed. Leaving Regulus wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision, it was the death of a life.
Not that it really matters now. It happened so long ago and Sirius hasn’t fought them about it in years. This place just gets James thinking about these things.
“Hello!” A voice appears behind them. “Welcome.”
The little old lady that owns this place is kind, though there were rumors of her being a witch were floating about the last James had heard. She’s not evil, or scary in any way. Just a bit… strange for lack of a better term.
“Did you need any help finding something?” She asks.
James is the first to speak, “Yes we’re looking for our kids actually,” he says, knowing Luna technically isn’t theirs. “Have you seen any come in here?”
“Oh no,” she brushes them aside, “No one’s come in all day. You’re my first customers.” She opens her mouth to speak, but before he can a realization falls upon her. “Oh, I’ve met you before.”
James blinks, “What?”
“Ah yes,” she walks off, beckoning them to follow. “I remember. It was many years ago now. You’ve aged quite a bit, though I have too I suppose.”
James shares a look with Regulus, it’s been so long since they’ve done that. He would’ve thought it would feel weird, though it doesn’t. That might be the weirdest part.
“Oh um—“
“You were just married,” she goes on. “On your honeymoon, I believe.”
“I think you’ve,” Regulus attempts but is soon cut short.
“Your names?” She snaps, “Why can’t I remember I’ve…” she trails off, “Potter isn’t it?”
Maybe the rumors are true.
It’s not like James remembers her name. It’s been longer than a decade since they’ve seen each other. She had to get other customers to at least stay in business, she couldn’t simply remember them. It’s impossible.
“You had a reading done, correct?” She questions.
“Yes, but—“
She turns back around at the front desk, holding her hand to her forehead, “What was that card?”
“We should be going,” Regulus says quickly, “We need to—“
“The death card,” she says simply. “I remember.”
He feels Regulus’ breath hitch, just as it did the first time he heard those words spoken. The woman found them back then, and lured them with an idea of a free reading. They couldn’t really pass it up. When they got the death card she explained to them that it didn’t always have to be a bad thing. It could be rebirth in a sense. They did none of that of course. It might’ve been the start of their undoing. The card wormed its way into their souls and started the impenetrable rot they noticed too late to stop.
She looks between the two of them, “Well… I see it’s already come to pass.”
She sees right through them. James isn’t sure how it’s possible. It shouldn’t be possible. She doesn’t even know them. She’s seen them for two seconds and has already read them. He bites back his questions, he had far too many soaring past his head. It’s not like he’s looking for explanations for what happened. It’s the past and he intends to keep it that way. But he desperately needs to know if she knew. All the way back then did she know they were going to end this way? Unable to bear each other’s presence for even two seconds without wanting to rip each other's throats out.
He almost wants to grab Regulus’ hand if only to prove her wrong. He wants to do something he hasn’t thought of doing in years. He doesn’t like what this shop is doing to him. He hates that she’s still looking at them like he’s expecting something.
Regulus steps forward, “You’ve got the wrong people.”
She smiles knowingly, “You’re business is yours, Regulus.” She says, “If you wish to keep it that way so be it.”
Regulus blinks, “James let’s go.”
It’s the same words he uttered the last time they were here, right before storming out. Even after being told it wasn’t a death sentence Regulus couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stand the idea of them being over. He couldn’t sleep that night until James spent an hour reassuring him the fortune wouldn’t come to pass. Good thing that did for them, huh?
When they’re out on the street Regulus looks like he’s seen a ghost, staring straight ahead, unable to even look back at the store. Suddenly James is younger and has the overwhelming urge to protect him. He doesn’t know if it’s ever really gone away. He hates him. He wants him dead. And yet that tiny piece of him wants to keep Regulus away from harm. His younger self is slamming at the gates of his mind, begging to be released. He only wants to help the boy he loves. It’s a commendable quality really. But the boy James used to love is dead, and James is dead too. They’ve been dead for a while.
“Ice cream,” Regulus mumbles.
“Hm?”
Regulus shakes his head, “The shop. We said we’d go there.”
“Right, yeah,” James says, trying to blink himself out of the haze, “We can try it next.”
Regulus moves on without another word. James can see the thoughts spitting out in his head, he almost wants to crawl inside’s brain, if only for a second to know exactly what’s going on in there. All the history he’s unpacking. He wants to burn all the memories Regulus has of him. They’re such a sweet place, in James' head. He’s kept them far from his touch to keep them that way. He’s separated the person Regulus used to be from the person he is now. It’s the only way he could stomach leaving him behind. Pretend the person he used to know was long gone, and never coming back.
The ice cream shop is right in the middle of town. Covered in bright colors it’s very hard to miss. Sitting right outside are Luna and Harry, chatting between each other with ice cream melting over their hands.
“We’ve been looking for you,” Regulus tells them, his voice distant.
Harry smiles, “You told us we could get some.”
James shakes his head, “You didn’t have to run off.”
Harry shrugs, “It was Luna’s idea.”
She doesn’t even try to deny it, “I wanted ice cream.”
Regulus scoffs lightly, “Yeah, alright.”
“Are you gonna get some?” Harry asks quickly before he can be asked another question. He asks it innocently enough but James knows he has an agenda. He really should sit out here and talk to him about it, make sure it doesn’t come to pass. But he has something he needs to do first.
“I don’t…”
“Yeah,” James says quickly, “We’ll get something.” He grabs Regulus' arm, digging his nails into his skin. He doesn’t need to hold him this hard. He can’t help but want it to hurt. He wants to leave a mark.
“James,” Regulus warns, but he drags him off anyway. Right into the freezing shop, they leave the air conditioner on full blast. On top of the ice cream, it’s practically an ice chest in here. The last time they came here it was the hottest day of the year and they stayed in here almost all day. Even back at the house, it was sweltering. They wasted all their cash on ice cream to make sure they were asked to leave.
“The woman in the shop,” James starts.
Regulus scoffs, “Oh leave it.”
“It bothered you.”
“It surprised me,” Regulus corrects. “Two widely different things.”
“You—“
“No,” Regulus cuts him off. “You don’t get to get be all protective now.”
“I’m not!”
“Yes you are,” Regulus says. “Now stop it. I’m not your husband anymore, James.”
The way he says it hits James in a place in his heart he thought he ripped out ages ago. The young part of it. No matter how far away from Regulus he got he never forgot the feeling of what being in love with him felt like, how it tasted. It’s what made falling out of love with him hurt as much as it did, like salt in a wound.
“You’re saying that like I don’t already know,” James grumbles.
“You needed to hear it,” Regulus says simply. “You are not my husband, you have no right to drag me off and ask me if I’m fine.”
“I—“
“No,” Regulus cuts him off one final time. “We are going to get through this holiday and then go right back to how it was before, understood?”
He’s terrified. He doesn’t know what to do. James sees it in his eyes. He bites back his smile. He’s faltering. Standing at the edge of a cliff with flailing limbs. It almost makes him laugh. “Alright Reg,” he says the nickname with a smile. “I understand.”
If Regulus wants to say something else he doesn’t show it, he only walks off ordering something quickly before walking off with it. Leaving James to stand alone in the middle of the shop, swearing he sees signs of death closing him in.