Screaming at the Sky
- REGULUS -
The drive-up is just as Regulus remembers it to be. He hasn’t taken a trip up here in eight years. The last year they were supposed to go as a family he told James it would be better if he stayed home. He told him he was almost done with his book and that the deadline was coming up. It was a lie. He was nowhere close. He still had months to go. He’s not sure why he did it, not entirely. He didn’t want to be trapped in a car with James, for one. Not for as long as the trip is, anyway. The air was already thick enough between them as is, and they were still a year away from the separation. He couldn’t take it. Deeper though, a part of him truly believed that the break would be good for them. Taking two weeks away from each other would show them they couldn’t live without each other. They would come back together with a tearful hello, promising never to spend that time apart again.
After the time was up Regulus was in the office writing, he didn’t even realize they were coming home. Harry ran for him, babbling about all the exciting things he saw on the road. James didn’t. He didn’t come in the room and kiss him, or smile softly at the two of them as he used to. They didn’t see each other till dinner. They went on like they always did, nothing had changed.
It didn’t work out the way he intended, but none of Regulus’ plans really work out for him. They never do. His marriage certainly didn’t, and he was really betting on it to work. After all those years of coming to grips with the fact that not everyone in his life would leave him, James left. And he hates him for it. His blood boils with just the thought of him. And this place is just an awful reminder of all that time he wasted with him. Eleven years, all thrown away at the drop of a hat. There’s no point to any of it. All the joy that James once brought him is washed up. None of it matters anymore. He doesn’t care about any of it. Now he’s pulling up to the house they spent their honeymoon at. The memories of sitting in the passenger seat as James stared lovingly into his eyes come in front of his mind. It’s all utter bullshit.
The other car is already parked, the boot open. The kids are nowhere to be seen, probably already in the house sprinting through the halls and picking out the beds they want as their own. James is standing by the back of the car, lifting their luggage out. He’s kept up well these past years, despite his growing older. Regulus doesn’t find it fair that he’s still attractive even with his youth slipping away. And those jeans he’s wearing are way too tight in his opinion. He’s not a teenager anymore for god's sake. He gets out of the car before he can get caught staring. The salt air greets him as he does, it’s the same as it was before. The heat sticks to his skin and he feels James’ breath against the back of his neck. He shakes the memory out into the back of his mind. If he has to spend all this time here he refuses to think of the past. He won’t do it. Not now, not ever. This is why they got a divorce in the first place.
He only has his two bags stuffed in the back seat, he grabs them both in one go and walks past James without a word. It’s better this way anyway. If they don’t talk to each other at all until they have to. If that. Regulus thinks they can go through most of this vacation barely interacting with each other. They did it at the end of their marriage anyway, James should be a natural at it. He doesn’t call out to him either as he walks by, for the record. He doesn’t acknowledge Regulus’ presence at all. It shouldn’t anger him, he wants it that way, but it does. He doesn’t want them to talk but James could at least try to interact with him, it would make giving him the cold shoulder much more satisfying.
Breaking through the doorway for the first time alone is an experience Regulus never thought he’d see out. If he’s being honest he never thought he’d come back here. He thought all his memories here would be sweet. This is a place they could forget all their problems until they got to be too much that is. They used to cook all their dinners in this kitchen, sitting on the counters and distracting each other so they’d end up eating way later than they intended to. They’d lay on the couches in the living room, the windows open so they could hear the sea. Always in each other’s arms despite the awful heat. When they were younger everything was so much easier, but it doesn’t feel like it’s them anymore. That’s the thing. The people who used to inhabit this house aren’t them. They’re fictional characters almost. People who lived a fairytale life with a perfect marriage. They aren’t real. They never really existed.
When he trudges into the living room he finds Harry giving Luna a big tour of the place. A smile is broken over his face as he points out everything and pushes open the windows to show her the view. “Harry,” he calls out, “Your Dad still stays in the same room yeah?” He tries to keep his jaw from locking, he tries to sound carefree. He’s not sure if he’s succeeding.
“Yeah,” Harry waves him away, “Upstairs.”
Regulus nods, looking to the stairway to his right. There’s only one room downstairs and when he walked past he saw the kids have already put their stake in it. He’ll have his own room up there, he won’t have to be that close to James. They might share a wall, and if that becomes an issue Regulus will have no trouble throwing him into it and knocking him out. So maybe it really won’t be that bad. He keeps his hands off the banister, trying to stop himself from brushing his fingers over the wood that’s so ingrained in his memories.
The main bedroom is straightforward, they never stayed in that one. It’s Effie and Monty’s and James felt very uncomfortable staying in the same room as they do. Even if they haven’t been here in ages. So they took the next biggest room, it has a better view anyway. Regulus goes into neither, taking himself into the third bedroom. He never spent that much time here. It was the one Sirius and Remus used when they came around. He’s not sure about the last time they stayed here though. Harry hasn’t mentioned anything. On the dresser, there are a few pictures. One of which is of James and him, Regulus didn’t expect to see it. He thought James burned all of them. They’re on the beach, their skin glowing with the summer sun. James kisses Regulus’ cheek as he tries to push him away. They look so young then. Only twenty. Did they really have it together that young? Clearly not, but they thought they did. They thought they had everything. As quick as he can he peels back the top drawer and shoves it inside. He’s going to scream at Sirius for keeping it later, Regulus hates when he puts his hopes up.
He’s just opening his bags when the door opens. When he turns he expects it to be the kids, jumping on their heels and begging him to go down to the beach with him. Of course, he would do, because he’s a big pushover and does anything they ask him to, but that’s another problem. Though it’s not Harry. It’s not Luna either. James walks into the room, his bag around his shoulder, his eyes wide.
He blinks, “What are you doing here?”
Regulus scoffs, “What are you doing here?”
“I normally stay here,” James sighs, already done with him so it seems. This is fucking bullshit considering Regulus has hardly spoken two words to the guy. There’s no way he’s already annoyed at him. Fucking typical.
“Harry said you stayed in the other room,” Regulus tells him.
“Well I don’t,” James snaps.
“I’m not leaving.”
“I’m not staying in the other room,” James argues.
Regulus shrugs, “I guess you’re sleeping on the couch then.”
“Why do you have to be so fucking insufferable?” James asks.
Regulus finds himself smiling, he’s not even sure why he does it. He can feel the cold seep into his skin, but he doesn’t care. He smiles anyway. “You ever stop to think that maybe you made me this way?”
James rolls his eyes, “Of course, you would say that.”
Regulus hums impatiently, “Get out, James.”
He grits his teeth, “This is my room.”
“We’re not five,” Regulus says. “I’m not having this argument with you. Go to the other room.”
James’ eyes flash with anger and Regulus is so proud of himself over it. Maybe he shouldn’t be. Maybe it’s awful and horrid that he is. But he couldn’t care less honestly. He got the last word and now James is storming out of the room like the petulant child he is. In the simplest terms. He won. He doesn’t care how he managed to do it. He doesn’t care that James is angry with him. In all honestly he’s happy that he is. At least he’s not in it alone.
He ends up unpacking everything without another interruption. Shoving everything away in perfect order. He considers opening the window, but the smell of the air keeps him from it. He used to love that smell. He’s not sure why. He wanted it everywhere. He loved the reminder of this time, of the honeymoon phase he used to have with James. The love they had for each other. Now it’s just suffocating. He can’t stand how thick the air is now. The ocean isn’t as pretty of a sight when he realizes their love was a lie. He already wants to leave. He can’t do that for Harry, he’s happy with both of them here. But he so badly wants to. He knows he’ll just ruin it. They’ll ruin it. James always finds a way.
As he walks back downstairs he hears his son’s laughter from the kitchen, he’s drawn towards it as he’s always has been. It’s always so light, like he swallowed the sun. Even when he was a baby, it was contagious. Regulus wanted it everywhere. He’s smiling softly when he walks through the doorway, he can’t help it when it’s Harry. Then he sees James ruffling his hair from behind him. Regulus isn’t sure what he’s saying, but he’s making him laugh. Just like he used to. Regulus can’t remember the last time he’s seen it. It may have even been seven years ago. It’s not like they’re ever all together anymore. His mouth goes dry at the thought of the two of them continuing life without him. He knows he’s a co-parent. He knows James has Harry more than he does. It was in the arrangement. But it’s not fair that they have inside jokes he’s not in on. It’s not fair that Regulus spends so much time away from his son because James is too immature to see each other.
Harry sees him before he says a word, his smile just as strong, “Papa,” he says, “We were just going to the beach. Did you wanna come?”
When James looks over at him his smile drops and his laughter grows silent. There’s a resentment growing in his eyes, like the roots of an old tree that needs desperately to be cut. All the branches have grown dead, and the leaves have fallen to be raked when the autumn seasons come to pass. It desires too much upkeep that it simply can’t afford. There’s nothing that can be done to save it. The passion that’s still trying to hold onto the call of the wind, and the wild birds that are supposed to make nests in the branches. Though no animals want to make their home in a dead tree. Nothing beautiful will come of it. No ivy will tangle itself on the truck. There’s no point in any of it. They should cut it down, but they can’t. The roots are too thick. They wrap around their legs and up to their necks cutting off their supply of air. There’s nothing they can do to get away from it.
“Yeah sure,” he hears himself say. “I’ll go.”
James looks disappointed and he doesn’t even try to hide it. Regulus thinks of their first night here. They were seventeen, been together for a year at that point. James’ parents were going up and invited them, Sirius and Remus, for a weekend. They were so excited about it at the time. They couldn’t stay away from the beach, no matter how much Effie tried to bring them inside. When the stars were out and they were lying in bed waiting for sleep to take them, James whispered that they should sneak from the window and go out to the sea. Regulus agreed. So they spent the night in the sand, pointing out the stars and watching the tide roll over their bare feet.
Regulus wonders where that James went. Where did the boy go who rushed him from the window so they could spend the night together out by the ocean waves? Where did the man who laid out blankets over his barbed wire of a past? Where did the husband who promised to cherish him and hold him till death did they part? Where did he go? Was it Regulus who sent him away? Maybe he never really existed at all. Maybe it was all an illusion to get Regulus into his clutches. He’s not sure what it accomplished. James looks miserable from what Regulus can see, and he’s glad for it. He doesn’t want him to be happy, he didn’t leave him that way. He wants him to spend his entire life pining after the life he left behind. He wants James to miss him more than he misses anything and then he’ll turn him away. He wants to keep his pettiness in a place only he can reach it.
Harry and Luna run off without another word, giggling all the way back to their room. James is still staring at Regulus, he just can’t look away.
“What is it?” Regulus tilts his head, “You don’t want me to come, is that it?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Regulus ignores him, “You are aware that Harry is my son too, right? Just because this is supposed to be your vacation doesn’t mean you get some kind of hold over him.”
James scoffs, mumbling something under his breath.
“What?” Regulus questions.
“You’re always reading so much into everything,” James tells him. “You never give it a rest.”
Regulus shakes his head, “It’s what you were thinking.”
James shrugs, “You have no idea what I was thinking.”
“I’ve known you since we were sixteen, James,” Regulus says. “I know what you were thinking.”
James hums shortly, “You haven’t known me in almost a decade, Regulus. You always seem to forget that.”
A decade.
James leaves the room. Regulus doesn’t turn to watch him do.
A decade. A decade. A decade. A. Decade.
There’s that anger back in his chest, he feels it lighting him on fire. It breathes over his skin, ruining every good part of him. A decade. James wasn’t talking about the seven years. They still have three years until it hits a decade, that’s not an almost. Not to James anyway, he doesn’t talk like that he never has. He meant a decade. He meant ten years. As if the last three years of their marriage were nothing to him. It shouldn’t hurt Regulus as deeply as it does, after all, he would say the same thing. They were slipping away from each other for those three years. It was deep-rooted, it didn’t happen all at once. And yet James admitting it hurts him more than anything they’ve ever done. A decade.
Honestly fuck him. Fuck him for everything. Ignoring that Regulus was fucking trying for those three years. He never left. He was there. He was always fucking there, he didn’t leave. James was the one who asked for the divorce in the first place. He’s the one who gave up almost a decade now. Fuck James Potter. Regulus fucking hates him. He needs to get out of this house. He can’t stay here for two weeks. One of them will end up in a body bag he knows it. He really fucking hopes it’s James.
- JAMES -
The air is suffocating.
He spent his childhood here, in this house by the sea. He loved spending all his vacations here. He’d run up and down the beaches, laughing with the biggest smile on his face. His dad would chase after him until he ran out of breath. His mum would wade out into the ocean with him and watch as he dived underwater, splashing him back when he did so to her. He learned to cook in that very kitchen, dancing around in his socks while one of his parent’s old records played. They had their honeymoon there too. They’d tell him all about it. All the joy they had and the love they shared. When James brought Regulus here for their anniversary he thought he was doing the same thing. He thought it was a good luck charm. He didn’t want to take him anywhere else. He wanted a relationship like his parents had, he wanted everything to be perfect. It ran out quicker than they thought it would. James didn’t think he would ever be able to come back up here, but he did for Harry.
He’s glad he did, really. He’s glad he came up here every year for a breath of fresh air. He could recapture his childhood with Harry beside him, relight the joy of adolescence. He never wished to have someone to share it with. He hung onto his anger in the night for Regulus but never thought of him in the day. He refused to let himself. The air was sweet. He could forget his past and focus on his present. His beautiful present, and wonderful son. He could pretend everything else was a gray Sunday. A pause in his life that he wishes would simply go away. But he can’t erase the father of his son. He can’t erase a person who was in his life for eleven years, no matter how much he wanted to.
It’s worse now that he’s here. It’s a constant reminder of the life Regulus fucked over for the two of them. They could’ve had it all if he didn’t decide to throw it away. They were happy once. James doesn’t entirely believe it now standing where he is, but they were. Now he can’t stand the sight of him. He wants to drag him into the ocean and toss him to the tide. Let the waters handle it for him.
He’s sitting on a beach towel next to his. Well it’s not particularly close, he put it as far away as he could without feeling out of the group. It’s not like it matters, Harry and Luna ran off as soon as they threw down their towels. They’re building a castle in the sand a little bit out from the sea. Not close enough for the waves to knock it down, but close enough to draw a moat around it with the water. Their laughter gets picked up in the wind. There’s no one else around, it’s a private beach. They have the whole place to themselves. It would be great if Regulus wasn’t here with them.
He’s reading, keeping his eyes on the page only glancing up every once in a while when Harry shouts something out for him. He couldn’t look less thrilled to be here with them. James has a hidden suspicion that he never liked going here, he just acted excited because James was. As the years went by he became worse off as an actor the less he cared about keeping James happy. Every year it got worse. He went to bed earlier, he shut the windows so he wouldn’t have to feel the salty air against him. Then one day he told James he wouldn’t go. Lied about the reason why too. James knew for a fact he didn’t have something to do with work. They never planned anything with work those weeks in the summer. They always go at the same time. He remembers sitting down and planning out the timeline with the book with him. Even at those low points they still cared enough to do that. He knew. Regulus acted as if he wouldn’t, which is fucking bullshit. He treated him like he a fool. Like he was an idiot who wouldn’t remember the details of his life, like he’d ever forget it. He remembers everything. Too well in his opinion.
If he could forget it he would. He doesn’t care how awful it sounds, he doesn’t care if it changes him as a person. If he could guarantee that Harry would be okay, that he would still have him, then he would. He doesn’t want to remember all the nights sitting up late at night waiting for Regulus to come home because he was so terrified that something happened to him while he was out. He doesn’t want to remember the silence during their meals when Harry wasn’t around to break it. He doesn’t want to remember all the happy times they had together. The kisses on cheeks and hands held under tables. He wants to throw it all away. It’s not worth anything to him anyway.
A shadow is cast over him as the kids stand before him. He shields his eyes from the sun as Harry says, “Do you both wanna go out in the water with us?”
James smiles, dropping his hand, “I’ll go, but I think your Papa is busy with his book we shouldn’t bother him.”
Regulus slams closed his book, “I’d love to go.”
Harry ignores the tension clearly brewing in the air and calls out, “Race you!” Before sprinting down, flying sand everywhere with each stride he takes.
Regulus is the first one up, tossing his book aside. It may be petty but James can’t let him win over him, he won’t hear of it. He’s faster than him anyway, he goes on runs every day while Regulus sits in a chair in an office. It’s not a surprise when he wins but he still wants to rub it in his face. He doesn’t think they’ve ever been all that dignified but they used to be better than this.
“I won,” he quips as soon as the kids are out of earshot.
“Are you really that desperate for congratulations?” Regulus smiles coldly.
James smiles the same, “Couldn’t help.”
Regulus doesn’t miss a beat, “I fucking despise you.”
“Likewise.”
The kids shout from in front of them trying to catch their attention but their gazes are hard set on each other. James doesn’t exactly remember when they stopped looking at each other with love in their eyes. He can’t remember when it turned into this. They’ll never go back, he knows that much.
“Papa! Come look!” Harry calls out. Regulus looks away from him, leaving him behind him as he walks through the water to him. James stays where he is, feeling the sun break over his skin.
He doesn’t stay in the ocean for a long time. He’s back on the towel after ten minutes. Regulus is still out there with Harry, picking up sea shells by the shore. This is the first time James has seen him smile genuinely in a very long time. There’s no malice in between his lips, there are no wisps of anger or neglectfulness. He hands Harry all the cool shells he finds and accepts Harry’s when he gives him his own. He listens as Luna rambles all the facts she knows about seashells, without any remnants of growing boredom. It’s one of the only things that’s stayed consistent over the years. Regulus has always been good with them. He hates other kids, he doesn’t have patience for them. But Harry and Luna have always been different for him. James didn’t think that would change but he still finds himself surprised by it.
He doesn’t last that much longer after that. He can’t stand the sight of it. He’s glad for Harry, he really is. He deserves to have two parents who love him more than anything. But he doesn’t like seeing Regulus happy, it puts a bad taste in his mouth. That might make him a bad person. But for all the bad Regulus has done to him he doesn’t deserve this, he doesn’t deserve to be this happy and carefree. Like James being here isn’t at all messing with his head.
He ends up walking back to the house alone, with his phone up to his ear the constant ringing keeping him grounded. He’ll apologize to Harry later, when the time comes and he’s had his fill of the sun. He’ll go back down to the beach with him again tomorrow, and any day he wants him to. He’ll take him to town and let him fill up on buckets full of sweets at the candy shop, or buy him a video game to at the toy shop two stores down. He’ll make it up to him somehow. He will.
“James? Are you alright?”
“Can’t a son call his mum with no notice anymore?” James asks, strolling in through the backdoor.
Effie laughs, “I love to get the call you know I do. But Harry normally has you all booked up most days.”
“He’s with Regulus,” James says shortly.
“Ah,” Effie hums, “And how is Regulus?”
“Fine.”
“But you’re not fine with him being there with you,” Effie answers, like she’s reading his mind.
“I don’t think I can last these two weeks with him,” he tells her, “I can hardly have a conversation with him without wanting him dead.”
Effie sighs softly, “Honey…”
“I mean it,” James says.
“I know you do.”
He would’ve called Sirius. But he doesn’t particularly like talking about Regulus the way James needs to talk about him. It’s still his brother, and even if Sirius is on his side even if he’s wrong he’s on Regulus’ too. He’s a blank wall. Remus is the same way, just because of Sirius. He has his own opinions but he can’t go against him and James understands that. He would go to Lily but she lets him scream until he hits a stopping point and then brings over a bottle of wine. She doesn’t really give him solutions, she doesn’t give him answers. So he turns to his mum instead. Who still tries to keep up her relationship with Regulus. James doesn’t know if they talk now or if that’s fallen off too, he’s too scared to ask. But she doesn’t like it when he badmouths him, she lets him do it but she’s never too happy about it. He was her son too, even if it ended. He was her son. When he left he didn’t just leave James, he left his entire family too.
He stands at the bottom of the stairs, he would go up but then he’ll have to go into their old room. He hates staying in there, he can hardly stand for ten minutes he’s not sure how he’ll sleep in there. He won’t take the couch though, he doesn’t want Regulus to smile at him again.
“I want to do this right for Harry,” James ends up saying, sitting on the steps. “I do.” Effie waits for him to speak. The silence drawls on but she doesn’t rush him. She never has. “I just… I hate being back here with him. I can’t do it. I never thought I would have to.”
“Have you talked to him about it?” She asks.
James laughs dryly, “We can’t talk without screaming at each other.”
“For Harry,” she suggests. “He’d do it for Harry.”
James wants to ask her how she knows that, but he doesn’t think he would like he answer all that much.
“I don’t know if I can,” James confesses. “Talk to him again.”
“You don’t need to talk to him fully,” Effie says. “Just have one conversation, promise to lay down your history for these two weeks, and then you can see what happens then.”
“You make it sound so easy,” James mumbles. “I haven’t talked to him really in seven years.”
“You were in love with him for eleven.”
James shakes his head, “I don’t even know if that’s true anymore.”
Effie hesitates, “He was in your life for those eleven years. He was really in your life, you created a family together. That doesn’t just go away, those roots grow deep, James.”
“I wish they would,” he says. “I don’t want to be angry every time I look at him. I don’t want to hate him. I never wanted this. But I can’t help it. I can’t fix it. I don’t even want to, I just… I want to cut him off but I can’t. I’ll never be able to.”
“Harry comes first,” Effie tells him. “I know you know that. I know Regulus knows that too. You’ll make it through his holiday, and then you both can decide what’s next.”
“Why are you saying we can both decide when you and I both know it’s not a decision?” James asks. “We’re just going to go back to the way we were.”
“Do you want to?”
“Yes.
He doesn’t hesitate. He doesn’t even think to. He doesn’t take a second to think about the possibility that this holiday can change their life. He doesn’t want it to. He’s perfectly fine with the arrangement he has now. He can’t stand Regulus. Regulus can’t stand him. It makes perfect sense that they aren’t around each other anymore. Simple. It’s why they made the plan in the first place.
“Alright,” Effie hums.
“Don’t become Sirius, please,” James asks. “Don’t get your hopes up for us.”
“I’m not, James,” she says. He can tell she’s lying. He can’t stand disappointing his mum, he’s never been able to stand it. Telling her he was getting divorced was one of the scariest conversations of his life. Even worse than the one he had with Sirius. He couldn’t handle it. His mum always loved Regulus, his dad too. James couldn’t tell them he was now out of their lives all because of him, he couldn’t bare it.
He hears the front door open and Regulus’ laughter is the first thing he notices. He hasn’t heard it in full clarity in a long time. He almost lets himself enjoy it before the anger sets in. Almost.
“I gotta go,” he says quickly, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” She replies, “Let me know when you want your Dad and I to come over.”
“I will.” He hangs up the phone and two seconds later Regulus comes into the room.
“You upset Harry by leaving,” he says dryly.
“My mum called,” James replies. “I’ll apologize to him.”
Regulus nods, crossing his arms, “Your hatred for me won’t ruin this trip for him, understood?”
James wants to scoff, he wants to scream at Regulus for even thinking he would ruin this trip for Harry. Especially when it would be more likely for Regulus to ruin it than him. “I could say the same thing to you.”
Regulus glares at him, “Understood?”
James nods, gritting his teeth, “Understood.”
“Good.” He cuts past him on the stairs, disappearing back into his room.
James could still kill him. It would be all too easy to do so. He sits on the steps instead, burning a hole into the wall. Waiting for the time to tick by perfectly and take him out of his own personal hell.