Trying out.
INTERVIEWER (2): And how did you come into the story?
LILY EVANS (PHOTOGRAPHER, REMUS’ BEST FRIEND): Well… it was October. Sirius was having a photoshoot. I wasn’t the one taking the pictures, because I wasn’t a photographer back then, I was… learning. You know, watching people do their jobs and getting the techniques, the way they communicate with the client…
SIRIUS BLACK: I remember wondering why she was there, just looking, and taking notes. So, when I was finished, I went to talk to her.
“Hey, hey,” I called, running towards her.
She looked over her shoulder, giving me a shy smile.
“Hi, Sirius, right?”
“Yeah,” I ran my hand through my hair, giving her a smile, “You work here?”
“Uhm— No, not yet. I am… in a course right now, a photography course.” I opened my mouth. I didn’t know exactly what that meant, but still, I gave her a smile and nodded, “I’m just watching what professional photographers do while they work. It’s like a practical class. There are my… classmates, if you can call that,” she said, and I looked at the direction her finger was pointing.
There was a girl and a boy, he had his legs on top of her lap.
“They don’t look very professional,” I commented, and she giggled.
“I mean, yeah. They’re pretty childish.”
“Is this your first practical class?”
“Yeah! Is this your first photoshoot?”
“Kind of, yeah. You’re…”
“Lily Evans.”
“Sirius Black.”
“I know,” she laughed, and I did too.
“Oh, you know me?”
“Who doesn’t? The teen prodigy.”
“I’m not a prodigy.”
I didn’t feel like a prodigy. I mean, sure, I was young, and talented, but anything other than that…
“Of course you are. You’re also very photogenic.”
“Well, thank you,” I titled my head to the side, giving her a shy smile, “I would love to be photographed by you one day.”
“One day, one day.”
“Lily!” the girl called, and she looked in her direction.
The woman seemed a few years older than me, and she wore black locs. The boy who had his legs over her, was now on a phone call that seemed pretty heated.
Lily threw me a polite smile before heading in her friend’s direction, and I walked towards Frank.
“How’s the pictures?”
“They’re amazing!” he said, looking at me over his shoulder and showing me the results, “It still needs a bit of editing, but it’s great. Your hair is really something.”
“It’s my magic.”
Frank laughed, “Yeah. I can agree.”
The next morning, we did it all over again, but Lily wasn’t there. Remus went with me, and I told him about her.
“Maybe she’s busy,” he shrugged.
“She was really nice,” I sighed, “Fuck. Why didn’t I ask for her number?”
Remus giggled, and I frowned, looking at him.
“I’m sorry… is just… ok, nothing.”
“Tell me.”
“You just can’t see a fucking woman.”
“Fuck off, Remus. I don’t want to fuck Lily, I just really wanted to get to know her,” it was true.
I wasn’t interested in having anything other than a friendship with Lily. Yes, she was gorgeous, and yeah… my type, but there was something about her that didn’t allow me to have any second feelings.
“Oh, is it love?”
I didn’t answer, I just punched his shoulder.
SIRIUS BLACK: I was trying to hide the fact I really, really wanted to kiss him.
REMUS LUPIN: I could notice that, back then, Sirius was looking at me with less frequency than he used to. I didn’t link that to anything romantic, to be honest.
SIRIUS BLACK: If I didn’t look at him, I wouldn’t feel my stomach flipping inside me.
“Do you think Frank knows her?”
“Go ahead and ask him, I’m gonna drink a coffee.”
Frank was talking to someone I didn’t quite remember the name of, they seemed to be reading some papers. I really didn't want to interrupted to ask about some random girl that was having practical classes the day before.
“Hey, Frank,” I called softly.
“Hi,” he looked at me.
“Uhm– Do you know Lily Evans?”
“Lily…”
“She was here yesterday, having practical classes.”
He squinted, looking at the wall, but his face didn’t seem to light up at any moment.
“I only know a Lilian Parker, sorry.”
I sighed, looking at Remus, who was not looking at me. I returned my gaze to Frank.
“Thank you still, Frank.”
I smiled at the older boy, and walked towards Remus.
“Does he know your girlfriend?”
“First of all, fuck you,” I sat down, “Second, no, he doesn’t.”
“You know, maybe she will show up any day,” he took a sip of his coffee.
“It’s not like I am going to be taking pictures here everyday, Remus.”
“Soulmates are destined to meet each other.”
“You seriously need to stop joking about it like you’re 12.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just funny how desperate you are to find a girl that you claim to only want as a friend. Like, no one is going to kill you just because you want to fuck her.”
“I’m not like that,” Remus looked deeply inside my eyes.
“What about the club girl?” his question made me look down at the table.
“I was drunk.”
“You still got hard for her, didn’t you?”
I sighed, struggling to look at him once again. I was ashamed, of course I was. Knowing that I was really vulnerable, vulnerable enough to let a woman use me for what she was needing in the moment — using me for something I shouldn’t have given her.
“You fucking suck,” I meant it.
“I’m not going to apologize.”
“You know, at least someone wanted to fuck me.”
He didn’t seem hurt.
“Don’t turn this into a game. We both know we’ll end up angry at each other.”
I bit my lip, “You really hurt me by assuming I’m a fuck boy.”
“You kinda are now, but I like that about you.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Shut up.”
Remus was smiling, so I had to smile back.
“I miss the Sirius who thought fucking strangers was weird, though.”
“Who said I still don't think it’s weird?”
“I don’t believe that.”
INTERVIEWER (2): You were there on Sirius’ birthday, right?
LILY EVANS: Yes. That was the next time we saw each other. I was taking pictures of his party.
REMUS LUPIN: I fell in love with him at that goddamn party.
“I can’t believe you’re 18,” I said.
“I’m older than you, meaning you have to respect me.”
“I will never respect you.”
“Sirius!” James screamed, jumping onto his body. Sirius held his waist, smiling against James’ neck, “Happy birthday, man!”
“Thank you!”
A ‘click’ was heard, and we looked around.
“Lily?! You’re here!”
I frowned. Who’s Lily?
“I figured I had to make you my client after all.”
“I was so sure I would never see you again,” he laughed.
Oh. Lily.
“How old are you, by the way? I never asked.”
“Now I’m 18.”
“18? I’m 20,” she giggled.
“Oh shit,” he lifted his eyebrows, “You look much younger,” she laughed, looking at me and James, “This is James, and Remus. They’re my best friends.”
“Hi, Lily,” she smiled politely, stretching her hand. I took it with the best smile I could put on my lips.
“I know you!” she said, walking towards me, “I love your acting, Remus. You have potential.”
“Thank you… I’m sure you also have potential… with photography, I mean.”
She laughed, I sounded incredibly dumb, but at least it was funny for her.
“I’m glad you believe in me, Remus.”
“By the way, Lily,” Sirius took her attention from me, “I thought you were doing classes.”
“Oh, yeah, I was. The course ended like 3 weeks ago, and this is my first job.”
“I’m honored to be your first client. How did that even happen?”
“I might have digged a little bit to find a way to talk to you again.”
I controlled the urge to laugh at that. I thought they were flirting, it was the vibe the conversation gave me.
Sirius smiled at her. He was really happy, happy enough to forget I was standing there the whole time.
“Well, come with me. Let’s drink something, you don’t have to take pictures the entire time, do you?”
“I mean– I guess I could have a little break, yeah,” he grabbed her hand, and pulled her to the opposite side, “Bye, Remus!”
“Bye,” I gave her an awkward smile, and sighed, looking around. James wasn’t there anymore, I thought it was weird because I didn’t even see him leave. Marlene was talking to one of her friends, so I decided to come closer.
“Hey, guys.”
They immediately stopped talking, and Marlene looked at me like I was a ghost. I felt bad for interrupting something.
Marlene being a lesbian was something natural for us now. She didn’t talk a lot about it, but she knew she was safe with us, and that no one would judge her or make her feel bad. I was glad I could make her feel protected.
“Oh, hi Rem. Do you know Gia?”
I looked at the girl. She had short black hair with bangs that made her brown eyes look nice. I sure have seen her with Marlene before, but we never talked.
“No, I don’t. Hi, I’m Remus,” I stretched my hand, and she took it.
“Gia.”
“Did I interrupt something?”
“No! Not at all. Come have a seat,” the blonde girl tapped the seat next to her.
MARLENE MCKINNON: Gia was my girlfriend at the time, and I wasn’t ready to tell Remus that. Not that I thought he would have a negative reaction, but… my coming out wasn’t something I chose to do calmly, it wasn’t planned and it was, actually, pretty awkward. I didn’t know how to tell him.
REMUS LUPIN: I could tell something was up. They were looking at each other a lot, and things were awkward… I didn't know it was something romantic, but they were, for sure, keeping something from me.
I finished my drink, and then I got up, deciding Gia and Marlene deserved their time alone again.
“It was nice to meet you, Gia.”
“You’re very nice, too, Remus.”
With that, I walked away from the girls, being photographed by Lily, who was a few feet away from me. She smiled, and I did too, looking for Sirius with my eyes.
He was dancing. I was hoping I could catch him alone, but of course that was impossible. It was his birthday party, and everyone wanted a piece of his attention. His hair was flying with his small jumps, and I was trying to find a way to get him alone.
“He’s very nice,” I heard a female voice next to me.
It was Lily.
“He is. I wanted to spend some time with him, but I guess this night is doomed.”
“Well, it’s normal for people to want to be with him, he’s charismatic.”
“He’s having a great night,” I pointed out.
“Your 18th birthday isn’t something you forget.”
“Guess I can’t tell.”
“You’re not 18?”
“17.”
She sighs, “There’s nothing fun with being over 18, except the day you turn 18. You feel like now you’re relevant, that now you’re free and independent, but that’s not real.”
I looked at her, “I’m sure you’re right, but I don’t think I would ever think I am relevant, no matter how old I am.”
“You’re kinda relevant. You’re famous.”
“I'm just a human being like everyone else.”
I returned my gaze to Sirius, who locked his eyes on mine. He smiled, and ran towards me.
“Hi,” he ran his fingers through his hair, “Why aren’t you dancing?”
“Not feeling like it.”
“Oh, c’mon. It’s my birthday, Remus, dance with me.”
I felt my eyes twitch at that moment. I didn’t know what I was feeling, and why I was feeling it, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away from a sweaty, tired, but happy Sirius. I looked at Lily, and she smiled at me, pulling the camera in front of her eyes, taking a picture the moment Sirius held my arm and pulled me away from her.
INTERVIEWER (2): Do you think that was the moment you fell in love with him?
REMUS LUPIN: I think I was needing his company more and more, and that night, seeing him dance, and smile at me… I mean [laugh] he was pretty sexy, so yeah, I think I fell in love with him the moment he smiled at me that night and made me dance with him. I got fucked up in the head after that.
His elbows were on my shoulders, his eyes were closed, but mine weren’t. I was looking at him, trying to understand what was happening inside me. I felt like I could fly, like the only thing I needed was him. I knew that wasn’t the usual best friend platonic feeling, because you aren’t supposed to feel butterflies when your best friend is dancing with you. That was the moment that clicked, and I stepped away from him.
“What?” he opened his eyes, confused, but still smiling and panting.
My mouth opened and closed a dozen times, until I could get something out of me.
“I need… a drink.”
“Let me go with you.”
“I- no. It’s okay. Have fun, I’ll just go by myself.”
I turned my back to him, knowing it might have made him sad, or confused, but I couldn’t just keep looking at him. I sat down, drinking whatever the hell I was drinking, and trying to look at every man that passed by my eyes. I needed to know if this was a kind of gay awakening, or if I was simply going insane.
REMUS LUPIN: Sometimes I would think, yeah, they’re pretty, but… I didn’t feel the need to keep staring at them like I did with Sirius.
I tried to think about kissing a man, and I didn’t feel anything. It didn’t feel wrong, or right, it was just… an image in my head that I had no idea if it could even happen in real life. But then, I thought about kissing Sirius.
Everything in my head was in slow motion, and I could picture every detail. From the way he smelled, to the way his skin felt in my hands. Of course I wouldn’t accept what was happening, so I just put my hands on my face and swore a couple times.
“Get yourself together Remus. You’re drunk. Yes, you’re drunk. You don’t like Sirius, not like that. Ok,” I took a deep breath, “No gay. No gay.”
REMUS LUPIN: I decided to let it go that night. I thought, alright, I am just wasted, tomorrow everything will be normal… you know where this is going.
SIRIUS BLACK: I didn’t know where he was half of the night. But at some point, I found him.
“Hey, Remus!” I called, and he looked at me.
“Hi,” he blinked, looking away for a few seconds.
“You’re okay? Look, if you don’t feel right, you don’t have to stay just because it’s my birthday.”
“No! I’m okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you dancing like that, I just don’t want to dance.”
“Alright…” I sighed, “Well, I am tired now, so…”
“Have you… enjoyed your party yet? If you know what I mean,” he laughed, and I had to smile to pretend it was funny.
Remus wasn’t acting like Remus. He was acting like he was a distant friend from High School, and not my best friend.
“You mean… no. I don’t think I need to be with a girl to enjoy my birthday.”
“Alright!” he laughed awkwardly, “I am… really wasted right now.”
“I can tell. You’re… all red.”
“Yeah, I should stop with the drinks from now on,” he looked around, like he was avoiding looking at me, and the only thing that came into my mind was: what did I do? “Look! It’s Lily and James. They’re talking, go talk to them.”
“I thought you’d want me to be with you. I mean, we’ve barely talked tonight. Let James meet Lily, or whatever.”
“Aren’t you obsessed with Lily yourself? Gonna let him win?”
“Lily isn’t a price, and besides that, I am not attracted to Lily. She’s just very nice, and I want to know more about her… as a friend.”
“That’s a shame,” he scratched his nose, “You two look lovely together.”
“No. You’re not acting like a mom right now,” I threw my hand over his shoulders.
SIRIUS BLACK: Hearing him say that was a bit sad… you know, I was attracted to him , not Lily.
“Do you think Marlene is dating that chick? I saw them hugging earlier,” I commented, looking at Marlene laughing with a black haired girl.
“Who? Gia?” he looked at me, blinking slowly due to the alcohol, “If she is… good for her.”
“I wished she’d tell us.”
“Wanna say something?”
“Nah. Let her take her time… you know, being gay isn’t easy… I’m guessing. You know, I don’t know a lot of gay people.”
“Me neither! Marlene is the first gay I’ve ever talked to. I can’t imagine what it is like.”
“I know. Imagine looking at a man and being like oh my god, I want to date him. That’s just… unrelatable.”
Remus laughed, “That’s so weird. I mean, not in a homophobe way. I am totally cool with gays. If you were… You’d still be my best friend.”
“Totally. If you were gay, I’d support you, just…”
“Not with me.”
“Exactly.”
We both laughed, and I wanted to slap me in the face.
“We’re so drunk. What are we even talking about?”
“Being supportive with gays?”
For the first time in the night, the laugh Remus gave me was genuine, and not awkward and fake. I looked at the ground for a few seconds.
SIRIUS BLACK: It was a weird night. I don’t think I have seen Remus drunk until that day. He wasn’t 100% wasted, but you could just notice he was very… very drunk.
REMUS LUPIN: The next day, I realized I was still feeling the same things, so I made the impulsive decision to let Marlene help me, because she was the only one at that time that could’ve given me any help.
MARLENE MCKINNON: I didn’t understand half of what he said, but I knew it was bad, so I had him repeating like 3 times.
REMUS LUPIN: I was super nervous, but also desperate for help.
I opened the door of her room, seeing Marlene playing guitar. I was hanging with her that day, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I couldn’t forget Sirius dancing every time I looked at him that early morning.
“Look,” I started, ignoring the fact she wasn’t paying attention, “You know I am not gay. Like, you know I am pretty straight, but yesterday I just wanted to kiss Sirius so bad, and I- that is so weird and wrong because after that I couldn’t stop drinking and looking at men like a psycho, and thinking about having… things with them, but I am not gay because I didn’t get hard, but fuck, thinking about Sirius is actually good. But fuck God, I am not gay. I kinda need your help because you’re really gay and I need someone experienced, so,” I sat next to her, “Can you help me?”
She blinked a couple times, “Excuse me?”
“I am not gay but I kinda want to fuck Sirius, but I don’t wanna fuck any other men, and I am really confused, and since you’re gay, I need your help.”
“God, Remus, slow down, I only heard gay, Sirius, and help.”
“I am not gay, but I kinda felt all those cheesy things yesterday, so I think I’m gay.”
“Ok,” she laughed, and I felt offended, “You’re not gay.”
“You didn’t even hear me!”
“Ok, you saw a pretty guy, and you thought he was hot, that’s it? That’s normal, you’re not blind, and yeah, Sirius can’t help you.”
I rolled my eyes, and grunted onto my hands. Lord, I wanted to choke her for not understanding.
“Marlene,” I sighed, “I, Remus, look at Sirius yesterday, and wanted to fucking kiss him!”
Marlene opened her mouth, “Oh–”
“Do you get it now? You’re my best friend, and you’re gay. I am telling you this impulsively, so please, listen to me!”
“What did you feel, exactly?” she placed her guitar on the floor, next to her legs.
“He came towards me, and he was sweating, and messing with his hair, and then we were dancing, and he was super close to me, and I felt… butterflies. Then, while he was lip syncing, I wanted to just…” I moved my hands, pretending to pull someone’s face closer, “Yeah.”
She laughed. She fucking laughed, and I felt humiliated.
“So you have a crush on Sirius?”
“Don’t even say that.”
“Remus, it’s okay. I know it’s fucked up, and you’re confused, but… if you are gay, you are.”
“Can I… change that?”
“No. Ok, let’s think like this: Imagine yourself kissing a man.”
“I’ve done that. Don’t you listen to me?”
“You talk too fast!” she defended herself, “Alright, how was it’”
“Normal.”
“But normal meh , or normal natural?”
I sighed, imagining it again. The feeling stayed the same. It didn’t feel wrong, or right. It was something that Remus didn’t really care about.
“... normal?”
“Do you think you’d give it a try?”
“I don’t know.”
“Look, you don’t have to be with men to know if you like them or not, but if you think you need it… we can go to a gay club.” I widened my eyes, staring at her, “I know a place, where I go when I need to feel safe. Gia’s aunt kinda owns it… I mean, she’s not the owner, but she’s dating one of the owner’s closest friends.”
“Gia…?”
She swallowed hard, looked away, and then sighed, “Guess it’s fair I tell you. Me and Gia have been dating for a couple months now. Since August.”
“I’m glad you told me, Marls. I mean– I knew something was up, but I couldn’t just force you to tell me.”
She smiled lightly, and held my hand, “Come. It’s gonna be great.”
“But… people. People can see me.”
“They won’t. We’ll make you very… different.”
“No, no, no. Minerva can’t fucking dream about this, my career would be fucking ruined… sorry, I didn’t-”
“I get it.”
MINERVA MCGONAGALL: I didn’t care if he was gay, but maybe the media would.
“If someone takes a picture…”
“If that happens, I’ll tell everyone you were my guest.”
“No,” I said. She couldn’t sacrifice herself for me, “You’re not out.”
“I am okay, Remus. I will be okay. I am out to my friends, I go to this gay club, I kiss my girlfriend there… I am okay with people knowing.”
“It’s different. People outside can hurt you.”
“They can hurt you too, and your mind is hurting you as well. Please, let’s go to the club, we’ll do everything to keep you away from people knowing, you’ll have fun But, if you want to hook up with any men, please ask their age first. No one over 20. Not until March.”
I smiled at her, “Ok, mom.”
“Fuck you.”
I looked at the door. I was still confused.
“I like women, though. I am not saying this to be in denial, I really like them.”
“Well… bi people exist.”
I looked at her. Everything was so fresh, and I wasn’t ready to go this fast with figuring myself out, so I just layed on her lap.
REMUS LUPIN: I am glad I had Marlene there to support me when I was freaking out about the party.
MARLENE MCKINNON: I was his friend, it was my job to help him as much as I could.
INTERVIEWER (2): And how were you in the middle of that?
SIRIUS BLACK: Mostly enjoying being over the legal age. I was trying my hardest to avoid thinking about liking Remus. At that point, I just knew I had feelings for him. I didn’t know what I was, but I was sure that… I wasn’t straight. I didn’t talk to anyone about it, it was everything between me and myself.
INTERVIEWER (1): You were recording your album, weren’t you?
SIRIUS BLACK: Yes! I was busy, barely with my friends. We were going to release the album around the beginning of 2006, so preparing everything was really… rushed?
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: We couldn’t let the hype go away. Making him disappear for a long time was a very risky move, we couldn’t put his whole career in danger.
SIRIUS BLACK: I barely had any time to enjoy my new house. I was always recording, doing work stuff, basically. One day, I got home around 3.
REGULUS BLACK: It wasn’t my decision.
SIRIUS BLACK: Regulus was at my door. I had no idea how he knew where I lived.
“Reg– what are you doing here?”
He scratched his head, closing his eyes for a bit, “Had to see your house.”
“Are you okay? I missed you.”
“I was one call away, Sirius.”
I sighed. I could’ve called him any time, yes, but I wasn’t brave enough to do it.
“You’re here only to… see where I live?”
REGULUS BLACK: I should’ve known how the night would end.
I looked at him, and moved away from the door to let him open. We stepped inside in silence and I looked around. It sure looked fresh, and incredibly unused. It even made me think if he was the first one to live there.
“This is a great house. Congrats… for the achievement. I mean, who would’ve known?”
“Yeah, I worked hard.”
“18… living alone, money, girls, fame… you turned out pretty well.”
“You’re still at home?” he asked, with his voice holding on a thin line.
“Mom and dad are fine, if that’s what you want to ask.”
“Are you fine?”
I blinked, and swallowed, “Do you care?”
“Have you come here to fight?” his voice was way more aggressive than mine was. His defensive side came to life like I was attacking him.
“I just asked you a question.”
“You’re my brother, of course I do care. You came to my house and now you’re shocked I am asking stuff about you? I haven’t seen you in so fucking long.”
“I am fine.”
“Why don’t I believe that?” he laughed, sitting down.
“Who are you?”
“You’re fucking big brother, in case you forgot.”
“I’ve seen your stuff. You’re good,” I said, crossing my arms, “Good enough to make people at my school not leave me alone.”
“How?”
“Well, I have denied being related to you,” Sirius looked away. I wish I would’ve felt bad for that, “But guess I can say people of my class know you, automatically, people don’t leave me alone. Rumors fly.”
“Apart from the part they aren’t rumors. As far as I’m concerned, you’re not adopted, and neither am I,” he stood up, “I am tired.”
“You’re kicking me out?”
“It will be a pleasure to see you when you’re not attacking me and trying to make me feel bad for doing something I needed to.”
“I am not attacking you. Sorry if you feel guilty about your life, that’s not my problem. You wanted to know how my life is, and I am telling you!”
“And you’re not gonna ask about my life?”
“I know way more than I want to! In case you forgot, you’re fucking famous. I see your pictures, I hear your songs on the radio, I see your face on the fucking school computors because people listen to you, Lord, my friend watches your interviews!”
I was upset. I knew being alone with Sirius wasn’t going to be a good choice, but I still decided to come.
“You’re gonna blame me now? I don’t fucking know you anymore, Regulus. What are you?”
“ What am I? Seriously?” I laughed, biting my tongue.
“When did you turn out like this?”
“Well, maybe you would’ve known if you had stuck around,” I spit it out, keeping my voice down.
He stared at me with pure anger in his face. He turned his back to me and hid his face in his hands.
“Leave,” he whispered.
“Yeah, I said it wasn’t a good idea. Fucking stupid,” I started doing my way to the door.
“Said?! To who? Mom?”
I stopped with my hand on the handle.
REGULUS BLACK: I couldn’t tell him, but I could always tease.
“Ask your fucking friend,” I looked over my shoulder before hitting the door.
SIRIUS BLACK: I was angry, confused, hurt… and that fucking sentence messed me up.
REGULUS BLACK: That was the last time me and Sirius were alone in the same room.
SIRIUS BLACK: That night, I barely slept. I layed down, and I thought, and thought. I thought about… I– If I ever got the chance to go back in time to that one night. I wondered if I would do anything different. If I had a screen in front of me, making me choose between having a miserable life, but having my brother, or leaving my brother behind, and having the life I deserved… The night he showed up, I would’ve chosen him. Today… I wouldn’t change anything.
My eyes couldn’t hold itselves close, they kept opening, and I kept staring around, barely recognizing the place I was sleeping as a home. I felt like I was back sleeping on those motels, completely alone. I didn’t have Regulus like I did as a kid, or James. I had myself, and only myself.
I kept going back to his last sentence. Thinking about how Regulus got my address, why he told me to ask my friend, but nothing came to mind. None of my friends had a connection to Regulus, so I deduced it was a stupid teasing thing. I managed to fall asleep, and repeat the work routine all over again.
REMUS LUPIN: I didn’t hear of Sirius for a while. And, during that time, I accepted going to Gia's gay club…
“Fuck I am so nervous,” my voice was shaking.
“Yeah, maybe quit the up button shirts.”
“But I like them!”
Marlene grunted, rolling her eyes, “If you wanna use them, leave them open. Put on some… white tank top, I don’t know!”
“It’s almost December.”
“We’re in fucking California, it’s not that cold,” she muttered while opening the shirt’s buttons.
“I am not using the typical gay outfit, Marls,” I stepped away, and she lifted one of her eyebrows, “... respectfully.”
She laughed, “You use up button shirts a lot , and you’re telling me that opening it and putting a tank top under it will make you gay… that’s the most obvious sign you don’t know anything about gay culture.”
I opened my mouth, frowning, “Up button shirts are gay?”
Mckinnon giggled, hiding her face in her hands, “Let’s forget about up button shirts for tonight, got it?”
“What am I supposed to use?” I sighed, scratching my neck, I was completely lost.
“You can’t look too straight, or else you’ll look like an intruder and no men will approach you.”
“Do you think they’ll think I’m gonna hit them?” she stared at me for a couple seconds, like she was thinking.
“Well, I really hope not, otherwise that would be heartbreaking and you’d be a hypocrite because you are at the gay club,” she explained, still looking at my wardrobe.
“How am I supposed to look gay? What if I’m not gay? I will be dead!”
“Just be yourself… without the up button shirts.”
“So I naturally look gay?”
She analyzed me, and that made me think about throwing myself out of the window.
“Your chest is pretty… I don’t know, I can’t do this,” she muttered.
“My chest is gay, isn’t it?” I looked at the mirror, staring at my skinny body, “Is it because I shave it?”
“Why would you shave your chest?”
“I have a lot of body hair. I’m 17 with a beard!”
Marlene rolled her eyes, “What about this turtle neck?”
I looked at the white shirt, “What am I gonna use on top of it?”
She licked her top teeth, throwing the shirt onto the bed and looking further on my closet.
“Do you have a blazer?”
“A blazer?!”
“It’ll look classy, and hot, Remus.”
“But why am I classy and you’re not?”
“Because it’s not my first time at a gay club, and I do not need to attract girls because I have my own girl,” she told me while her hands were taking off the hangers and putting it back in a short period of seconds.
“Shit, I forgot I’m meeting your girlfriend.”
“You already know her.”
“Yeah, but I am meeting her as your girlfriend.”
“You know she’s a bit shy… but she’s really herself when she’s there, so don’t worry. She thinks you’re sweet.”
She took off a pink blazer my mom gave me when I was 15 to go to her friend’s wedding, and I stared at it.
“Pink?! No, no, no. If you want to make people believe I’m just your guest, I can’t go with a pink blazer!” I protested, taking it off her hands.
“What? Pink is for girls?”
“No, but…”
“Look, people won’t see you. It’s alright. You don’t wanna use the blazer you used to go to your mom’s funeral, do you?”
“That was mean,” I said.
“Sorry.”
“Fine. I will use the goddamn pink blazer, but you won’t make me use white pants.”
“Lord no. Use a… black will be weird. Maybe beige.”
“I am really doomed tonight.”
She smiled, holding my shoulders, “Relax, Remus. It’s just one night, just to make you… look around, maybe hook up with a guy, and… if you realize it is not your thing, then we’ll just move on and we’ll never have to talk about this again, okay?”
“Isn’t it mean to use a dude just to experiment?” I asked.
“If he knows it… if anything, you’ll give me a thumbs up, I’ll see it from the table, and I will come get you.”
“What if you can’t see me?”
She bit her lip, “Then make sure you’re near.”
“Alright. Gay outfit we go.”
REMUS LUPIN: I didn’t know that club was so… hidden. I mean, it looked like a regular club, I wonder if any straight asshole ever came in there and got himself surprised.
“Ready to come in?” Marlene held my hand, and I looked around to make sure no one was seeing us as we came down the stairs to get to the door.
“Let’s go,” I said, and she opened the door, pulling me inside.
I stopped in the place once I looked around. Loud music was playing, and people were dancing, some alone, some with friends, and others… well. There were girls kissing, as well as boys. It was the first time I was close to the gay community, and it was a bit of a shock.
REMUS LUPIN: Coming from a total straight world, and seeing that, was… new.
“Marls…” I whispered.
“What?!”
“There are people shirtless,” I commented in a desperate laugh.
“Do you like what you see, little guy?” she teased me, saying it to my ear so I could hear it clearly.
“Fuck off.”
“C’mon, Gia’s probably back there!”
She started pulling me through the crowd. I was bumping into people, feeling their hot, sweaty skins. I tried looking around, looking for a quiet place, but all I could see was dancing and kissing. After a few minutes, we got to the side of the bar, where Gia was sitting down, drinking something.
She was relaxed, and using a totally different clothing style than what I was used to seeing. She was wearing a male’s shorts with an sport’s shirt. She looked gayer than I remembered her.
“Gi!” Marlene let go of my hand to kiss her girlfriend once she stood up.
I held my breath, looking around until I heard her voice.
“Remus!” she giggled, way more relaxed, “You’re the friend in crisis, wow.”
“Friend in crisis?!” I quoted it, looking at Marlene.
“I wouldn’t give your name without permission,” she explained.
“My aunt and Faby are here tonight so we might get a free drink if she’s in a good mood.”
“I won’t do this drunk,” I said.
“You don’t have to be drunk, it’s just to relax a bit.”
“Alright, but please nothing stronger,” I started following them, “Wait, do I have to lie about my age?”
“As I said, no guy over 20.”
“23,” I tried.
“21 and the case is closed,” she said.
“What age should I say I am?”
“19, it’s in the middle of, I am not that much of an adult, but also not a minor anymore.”
“Got it.”
REMUS LUPIN: I met Gia’s aunt, and her girlfriend. I drank only two beers, and then we just stayed at the table talking until some of Gia’s friends came along.
“Jake! Remus, these are my friends, Jake and Hank. They’re dating, so get a new guy, eyes off them,” she said with a smile hanging on her face.
They seem around our age, which made me believe Gia was bringing all of her teenage gay friends here.
“Hi, I’m Remus,” I stretch my hand.
“Jake,” the blonde guy took it, shaking it, while the brunette one, which I assumed to be Hank, just waved, “Sorry we took so long to arrive, traffic.”
“It’s okay, night just started.”
“Remus, do you want to dance?” Marlene whispered.
“That’ll be awkward,” I said.
“Go! Move your body, I don’t know,” she pushed my shoulder.
“Please, no.”
“You’re not the dance type?” Jake asked.
I opened and closed my mouth a few times.
“He’s shy. First time in a gay club,” Marlene told them, and they laughed.
“Go dance,” Hank said, stealing Gia’s cup, “You have a cute face, someone will notice you.”
I frowned, wondering if he could say that… especially in front of his boyfriend, but Jake didn’t look upset at all, he was smiling in my direction, moving his head as an indication for me to go.
I took a deep breath, looking at everyone, before standing up and awkwardly walking among the people. I started moving my head, holding the blazer, wondering if I should open or leave it closed. Someone bumped on me, and I looked to the side.
“Shit, sorry,” the girl smiled before continuing her way to somewhere.
I sighed, trying to dodge the people moving blindly. My eyes were floating through everyone, but not actually looking at them. I looked over my shoulder and Marlene waved me with an excited smile, like a proud mom.
I tried moving my body from one side to another, ignoring the feeling in my chest begging me to return to the table and drown my face on the beers.
REMUS LUPIN: It took me too long to actually start dancing. I was trying to ignore everyone around me, focusing on having fun. I didn’t have to kiss a dude for it to be a successful night, right?
MARLENE MCKINNON: I knew someone would approach him once he looked more relaxed.
REMUS LUPIN: [laugh]
I was with my eyes closed, when someone touched my shoulder. I thought I was blocking their way, so I opened my eyes, and looked at the boy.
“I’m sorry,” I stepped back.
He laughed, getting in front of me.
“I wanted to ask you your name,” he said, and my heart stopped.
“Uh—” should I lie about my name too? “Uh— It’s… It’s Remus. You can call me John.”
“What?” he laughed.
“My name is Remus John,” I said, snapping my fingers.
“That’s funny. I am Caius.”
“Glad you have a weird name like me,” I closed my mouth once I said it.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“You’re funny, Remus John,” he smiled at me, “Can I buy you a drink?”
I didn’t even know if he was inside the age I was able to kiss.
“How old are you?”
He put his hand up, “Relax, I am not a creepy guy. I am 21.”
I almost said good out loud.
“I’m 19,” I said. It didn’t feel natural, but I would get used to it at some point, “You can— check my ID.”
He laughed once again, “I do not aspire to be a cop.” I smiled.
“Then… yes, I’d love a drink,” I said, and when he started walking, I looked for Marlene with my eyes.
She put all of her fingers up twice, spelling 20 with her mouth, so I made 21 to her, and she gave me a thumbs her, saying something I couldn’t read afterwards.
“So, Remus John—”
“You don’t need to call me Remus John.”
“Does it make you uncomfortable?”
“No. Uhm— if you want to, I can be… your Remus John,” my voice was screaming insecurity. I closed my eyes and swore in a low tone.
Caius laughed, sitting on the bar’s chair.
“Do you come here a lot?”
“Yeah, I’m always here,” I laughed, touching my nose, “I usually come with friends, but… you know, today I just decided to come alone.”
“Well, good for me.”
My heart stopped, and I tried to look at Marlene once again. She wasn’t looking at me anymore, so I was officially by myself.
“What are you gonna drink?”
“Brandy Alexander.”
“Brandy what?”
“You never drank it?”
“I am more of a simple guy…”
“Couldn’t tell with that fancy outfit,” he looked me up and down with a smile.
“Is it too much?”
“Nah, you look good in pink,” he said, looking at the bartender.
“You look good in black.”
“I was hoping so,” he put his hand up when the bartender got close.
REMUS LUPIN: I got nervous, I was worrying if the bartender would notice I was definitely not over 18, but he was too busy in his work to even notice me,
“Two Brandy cocktails, please,” he said, “You’ll love it,” he assured me.
“I am sure.”
“So, what do you do, Remus John?”
“I— work at my mom’s store.”
“Momma’s boy… got it.”
I laughed quietly, “Just helping… making money.”
“You live with her?”
“No. I live… with my best friend.”
I assumed that if this ever got too far, I should avoid having him wanting to come over.
“You live nearby?”
“No. Two hours away,” I said.
“Wow, you must really love this place, then.”
I giggled, “Yeah, my friends are local.”
“I don’t live here, actually,” he told me.
“No?”
“Nope. I’m from Georgia.”
“Damn. That’s a fly away.”
“I am traveling the country with my friends, I intend to see the whole world,” he smiled at the bartender once our drinks arrived, “Don’t you?”
“Definitely. That must be an amazing experience,” I held my drink, looking at the orange on top of it, “Where do you plan to go next?”
“Utah. It’s close from here, so…”
I took a sip from the drink, and blinked at Caius, who started laughing.
“This is amazing.”
“I know! It’s my favorite.”
REMUS LUPIN: Things started getting heated when I got comfortable.
He was laughing, and so was I, “Damn, your ex was a bitch!”
“He was, I’m glad my sister punched him when she did.”
“I would do the same if I were her.”
“What about you? Do you have any crazy exes?”
“Nah,” I sighed, “This is gonna sound silly…”
“You never dated anyone?” I closed my eyes, scrunching my nose with a smile while shaking my head, “Well, good of you, boys suck.”
“They can be cool. I only had a girlfriend.”
“Girlfriend?” he frowned, curious.
“Is that a problem?”
“No, not at all.”
I was worried that if I said I liked girls, he would just walk away, so I had to lie.
“It was before I knew, you know. Nothing serious, we barely kissed.”
“Oh! Got it, yeah. That’s pretty common. I never dated girls, but some of my friends did and it was the same. They barely kissed, held hands… you know, so obvious they’re gay.”
I pretended to smile.
REMUS LUPIN: You know… that made me think that maybe I wasn’t attracted to girls at all. I was mirroring myself in other people’s experiences.
“Yeah… she was nice, but… I don’t know, we weren’t even friends,” I looked at my empty glass.
“At least you didn’t get her heartbroken,” he smiled.
“Yeah!”
Caius looked around, looking at his feet, “Look, I don’t know if this is weird… but, you’re really cool.”
“You’re also cool.”
“Yeah, but I mean—” he laughed, hiding his face, “I really could kiss you right now.”
I could feel my heart beating fast, and my breath running away. I opened my mouth, and then I closed it. Oh fuck, I thought.
“I- I really could kiss you, too.”
There was no turning back. I consented, so now it would happen. I would kiss a boy.
He smiled with his bright eyes, and got close, touching my face.
“You’re very pretty… how do you do that?”
“Guess it comes naturally…”
He grinned, moving his thumb, “Can I?”
He was staring at my lips, and I did the same before nodding. My heart was pounding so fast I was afraid he would listen to it. I was sure that I would give Marlene a thumbs up, but when his lips touched mine, I melted.
A fire lit up inside me, and I sighed, holding his face strongly.
MARLENE MCKINNON: I almost screamed, and touched Gia’s arm. Everyone was looking, and I thought… alright he’s gonna give me a thumbs up any time, but instead, he jumped out of the chair, and the dude did the same. That’s when I thought he would fuck everything up and leave suddendly… he didn’t.
REMUS LUPIN: My excitement was embarrassing. I was really enjoying it.
Caius held my waist, and that’s when I slid my tongue inside his mouth, and we started kissing like no one was around us. I could feel our chemistry in that moment. We separated, and laughed to each other.
“Wow—”
He laughed against my shoulder, and I touched his hair.
“I could do this more time?”
“People are kinda bothering me,” I said, and he lifted his head with an eyebrow up, I laughed.
“Alright, I’m getting what you mean— and I thought you wouldn’t go faster.”
“I didn’t say anything, I am just a private person.”
“I’ll show you private,” he pulled me closer, and kissed me again.
We started walking backwards, but I stopped him.
“I know somewhere,” I said, impulsively.
I remembered the place where we met Gia. I didn’t quite ask her for permission, but I’d rather hook up there than in a dirty bathroom.
“Where?”
“Come with me,” I held his hand and guided me.
On our way there, I heard Marlene’s voice screaming “Lord!”
REMUS LUPIN: I really thought we would stay in the kisses. I mean, it was the first time even kissing a boy, and figuring out that I liked it! I didn’t expect him to open my blazer.
“Caius…” I whispered, “Caius.”
“What?”
“I–”
“Am I going too far?”
“No— I just… I never—”
“Oh,” he said, “With a man?”
“With anyone,” I finally said.
“That’s fine. We’ll go easy, then, no hard stuff.”
“Good, thank you.”
MARLENE MCKINNON: I was– wow.
“I can’t believe this!” I said.
“In the employee’s room,” Gia said, and I laughed.
“Wait,” Hank started, “He never…?”
“No,” I laughed, “God, will he get mad that I said this?”
“I think as long as you don’t tell his friends and stuff…”
“I thought he would just kiss and leave… fucking nasty boy.”
REMUS LUPIN: Caius was really nice, I wished half of the things I told him weren’t lies.
“Fuck,” my breath was heavy.
Caius got his pants up with a smile, “Was this really your first time?”
“I swear on my life,” at least that was true.
“It really comes naturally,” he said, kissing me. I held his face, pulling closer, “I would—” he kissed me one final time, “I would love to keep in touch, but… it’s complicated. I am gonna leave in a few days, and… I don’t know if I will ever step foot in California again.”
I blinked. One part of me was glad, and the other was just sad.
“It’s fine.”
“Maybe we would’ve been something if the situation was different. I’m sorry your first time was with a stranger in a bar.”
“You aren’t a stranger, I mean— we met each other hours ago, but our conversations were good.”
“Yeah,” he smiled, “My friends are outside,” he stepped away.
“I won’t hold you here anymore,” I opened the door, and he passed through me.
His eyes flew to the door, “Employee’s only?” he looked at me.
“I know some people,” I laughed.
“Got it…” his smile dropped, “Nice to meet you, Remus John,” he kissed me quickly.
“Bye,” I whispered, watching him leave. He didn’t look back, so I just walked towards Marlene.
“What the fuck?!” she got up, screaming.
I laughed, scrunching my nose, “I know!”
“On the fucking employee’s room!” Gia mentioned it.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“How was it?! Sit down,” Marlene told me.
I sat in front of her, next to Jake.
“It was good!”
“Did it hurt?”
“No. We didn’t do that, I told him I was a virgin.”
“So you are gay!” Marlene held my hands, and I laughed, maybe in despair.
I was so inside the excitement, that I didn’t even realize I did all that with a man.
“Fuck,” I whispered under my breath, “I am!”
“Did you suck dick?” Gia asked, “Or he sucked yours only?”
“I took you by a shy one.”
“I had too many drinks, now answer!”
I smiled, looking away.
“You did! You sucked his dick!” Marlene yelled.
“Stop!” I laughed, “I’m so sorry,” I said to Jake and Hank.
“This is pure entertainment,” Jake commented.
“Welcome to the gay life, ma’ dude.”
“This gotta be a huge fucking secret,” I said.
“No one will ever dream that you sucked cock in the employee’s room of a gay bar,” Marlene assured me.
“Fuck you,” I laughed.