Sirius' past.
The thing about relationships, is that no matter how long they last, most of them are always doomed to end.
Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin were loved by fans for almost a decade. They were always shown to be madly in love with each other, but after a random spring afternoon, they were never seen together ever again.
Now, almost 7 years after the breakup, they and their closest friends accepted going separately to the TalkPodcast to open the game about the relationship, and give a real, wholehearted speech about life, love, betrayal, and fame.
INTERVIEWER (1): Welcome to our podcast! Get yourself comfortable.
SIRIUS BLACK (SINGER): Thank you, thank you [laugh]
REMUS LUPIN (ACTOR): This place is fancy.
INTERVIEWER (1): [laugh] we have to give an inspiring scenario for our guests.
REMUS LUPIN: Understandable.
SIRIUS BLACK: I got my first guitar when I was 12, It was a gift from my uncle. I remember playing it all the time.
“Do you ever stop with that thing?” my mother gave me a face that, once was scary to me.
I didn’t answer. My fingers stopped on the strings, and I stared at my mother like she was a crowd telling me I was bad at doing the thing I loved the most. When she left my room, I picked up the guitar and put it next to my closet, opening a drawer to grab my little book, full of bad songs that I used to write about the most stupid things in my daily life. That was everything that I did since I was introduced to the music world.
I would come home from school and write a song about some feeling that I had during the day, and then I would sing it, trying to find a melody that fit. Most of them didn’t have one.
That day, I wrote about how much I hated my mother…. I threw the page in the trash once I finished reading it.
REGULUS BLACK (SIRIUS’ BROTHER): Sirius is a complex person, he always has been. When we were younger, he was always seen as the strongest one. He was the one handling our parents, and defending me… but he wasn’t. He was, actually, the most sensible one.
“Fuck you!” he screamed, and I held my tears in fear.
Our mother stopped yelling just to look at him. That was when I froze. I had no idea what she was going to do — it was impossible to tell.
He got away, but not because she wanted to… he just ran. I was only 6, and he was going on 8. For a kid like that, you had to be brave to cuss at your mother, especially a mother like ours.
Back then, we had a place that we both always hid in whenever things went down. It was an abandoned house, very close to ours, but no one ever dared step inside…. except for us. Sirius ran, and I watched him from the window. I felt like he just left me behind, but now thinking… I could’ve followed him, but I was scared. I was alone with my parents, and I thought they would do something, but they didn’t. My mother just climbed the stairs, angry, and my father stared at me with disgust, but didn’t say a word. I was glad.
SIRIUS BLACK: I was never the favorite child, but neither was Regulus.
REGULUS BLACK: I think… that our traumas didn’t bond us like it was supposed to.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE (SIRIUS’ MANAGER): When I met Sirius, he was… broken. He was 16, and he wanted to leave his home. I still don’t know how he found me, but he did, and he asked me for help. Unfortunately… I just couldn’t give it.
SIRIUS BLACK: I was young, and naive. I thought that I could just ask for help, and someone would give me a whole career without me making any effort… I can’t blame myself, I was desperate. I was alone, asking for help in every bar, and singing with my old guitar without being paid. That’s when I heard about Albus, and I decided I was going to find him.
I found him on the streets of LA. It was a cold winter, and I remember noticing how he was wearing a T-shirt. I tried to talk to him, but he said he didn’t have time. That’s when I had to beg, following him and blocking his way, begging for 5 minutes of his time. He gave it to me.
“Please,” I said, “Look, I know I’m no one, but I’m really good at what I do, and I need to escape my home… please.”
“I’m not an angel, boy.”
“Please.”
“What can you give me?”
“I can play for you! I don’t have my guitar right now, but please. I’ve been sleeping in motels for days.”
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: I didn’t believe him, but I could see he was desperate. It’s hard being professional when you see a broken young man like that.
“I’m sorry, that’s not how things work in the real world. I can’t just take you with me, boy.”
“What if you give me your number? I can prove I’m worth it.”
“I’m in a hurry,” he said, and started walking.
This time I didn’t follow. I was used to losing, so I started walking to the motel I was staying at. Albus rejecting me was… hard. I started thinking that, if a man like that didn’t want to hear me… maybe no one did; but still, I picked up my guitar and I sang that night, just to calm myself down. I still remember that song, it was slow, and the guitar was louder than my voice.
“ You’ll go on, on, on… just like the river, you’ll go on… ”
I don’t think it was a great song, but when I played it with Marlene like… 4 years later, I think it got a little better. I wrote that song when my life was going down, and I had to prove to myself things would just… go on, so I wrote it, and I sang it almost everyday. I had to record it with someone that could make the song better.
INTERVIEWER (2): How did you feel when Sirius ran away? Were you guys in contact?
REGULUS BLACK: Not at all. I guess you could say our relationship broke apart when he decided to leave.
SIRIUS BLACK: I was planning on coming back to take my stuff… but then I met James, and I never came back for my brother. I didn’t mean it in a mean way… it was my parents.
JAMES POTTER (Vocalist of the Paralyzed duo): When I met Regulus, I felt like I stole his brother in some way… maybe I did, for him.
REGULUS BLACK: I hated James.
INTERVIEWER (1): How did you meet James?
SIRIUS BLACK: [laugh] I was at the grocery store with my guitar on my back, and he… he just came over and asked if I sang. I said yes. We never stopped talking after that.
I was looking for something to eat, and I was with my guitar, and then someone just touched my shoulder. I thought they were going to tell me I had to buy something and leave, because the store was almost closing, but it was a boy, clearly not an employee.
“Hey! Uhm– I noticed that you have a guitar… do you sing?”
“Uh–” I didn’t know exactly what to say, “Yeah!”
“That’s dope, I do too! Can you…”
I frowned, and then it hit me. He wanted me to sing.
No one ever asked me to do that, I never had sung to anyone except myself, so I was scared. Maybe I was bad, maybe he would laugh at me, but when I stepped outside and sang in front of the grocery store, he just smiled at me.
“Is that your song?”
“... yeah.”
“That’s so cool. I don’t have any songs, I mostly sing covers.”
“What do you sing?”
“I’m currently addicted to singing Take On Me. Do you know that song?”
“My uncle used to play it for me when I was a kid. I mean- he didn’t sing it, but we heard it together.”
“Do you want to sing it together? My name is James, by the way,” he laughed, and I did too.
“Sirius.”
“Ok, Sirius. I think it’s a beautiful coincidence that we both love to sing, so let’s have fun.”
SIRIUS BLACK: We actually played Take On Me together [laugh]
JAMES POTTER: [laugh]
Our voices didn’t actually fit together, but it was fun and some people would smile at us. After that, we started walking, and talking about ourselves.
“Shit- It’s late. I need to go home.”
“Oh, okay.”
SIRIUS BLACK: I thought- that is it. I had a great time, and now I’ll go back to being alone.
JAMES POTTER: I knew something was wrong when he picked up a bag and put it on his shoulder. I mean- what can you think when you see someone with a guitar and a bag?
SIRIUS BLACK: I felt weak.
“Are you… on a trip?” he asked me, and I was speechless.
“No.”
James didn’t ask any questions. He just knew. That’s the special thing about James, he just… knows, and he doesn’t make you feel bad for it.
“Do you want to come with me? I’d love to know more about your songs.”
SIRIUS BLACK: I accepted it. Of course I did. He was a great guy, and I was, finally, happy. I needed a roof on top of my head, so I took my chance.
He called a taxi, and I felt so little next to him. I was rich, but at that time… I was basically homeless, and, in normal families, people would look for you… but I didn’t have a normal family.
“I sing covers in my room. To my parents and… ghosts,” I laughed.
“I never sang to anyone before.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It’s quite a private thing of mine, but… I want to make this my future, you know? I’d love to sing to people, to make them hear my feelings.”
James smiled at me, “I believe you will.”
For the first time, someone was believing in me. I could feel that he meant it, and I felt so grateful for that.
REGULUS BLACK: This is weird…
INTERVIEWER (1): What is weird?
REGULUS BLACK: Talking about my brother, my feelings. Hearing what you just said to me, that he didn’t mean to hurt me.
INTERVIEWER (1): You never talked about it?
REGULUS BLACK: [...] Me and my brother were strangers. Like high-school acquaintances that you share friends with. We were never alone in the same room.
SIRIUS BLACK: I regret everything.
REGULUS BLACK: James tried. He wanted us to be friends, but… I hated James, and I kind of hated Sirius too.
INTERVIEWER (2): So, how did you get close to him and his friends?
REGULUS BLACK: I saw Sirius playing in a bar close to my school. He was with James, and he acted like everything was normal.
“Reg?” he asked, and I felt like crying.
My brother was standing there, happy, with no bruises, long hair, ripped jeans and a boy I had no idea who it was. He ran to me and hugged me. I didn’t hug back.
“I missed you so much.”
“I was in the same place all these months.”
“This is my friend, James,” he totally ignored what I said.
INTERVIEWER (1): Why?
REGULUS BLACK: Maybe it hurted.
SIRIUS BLACK: I wish I knew.
“Hey, I’m James!” he handed me his hand. I didn’t take it, “Regulus, right? Come have a drink with us!”
I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t leave either. I missed my brother, and I didn’t know when would be the next time I would see him if I left right there. I heard him and James talk. I said some stuff, but that night, I didn’t laugh — not even once.
REGULUS BLACK: After that, James gave me his number, instead of Sirius’. Next day he called me, and there I was with Sirius again… but always in James' presence.
JAMES POTTER: I wish it was easy to read Regulus like it was to read Sirius. I knew he wasn’t my biggest fan, but I can assure you I had no idea he hated me so much.
INTERVIEWER (2): And how did you meet Remus?
SIRIUS BLACK: We’ll get there.
JAMES POTTER: Me and Sirius started playing together for fun. He was basically living with me, and at that time I already knew about his entire life.
SIRIUS BLACK: James saved my life. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. It’s a bit sad to think that even that ended.
One day, we were playing and James had to go inside a store nearby to buy water. I stayed there, playing. At that point I was barely writing any songs, it was just covers of music I liked. I was playing Creep by Radiohead. Some people were leaving tips, and I wasn’t complaining, even if now, money was not what I wanted. That’s when Cuthbert came and threw a small card. I looked at him, never stopping, and he just left. He didn’t stay to watch me finish, and as soon as I ended the song, I picked up the card.
It had his name, and his number. I looked around, hoping to find him, but he was out of my view. I kept the card, watching James return.
“Never buying water here ever again. Want some?”
“Someone gave me this,” I showed him.
“Cuthbert Binns… Who is this?”
“Some man threw this to me and left. I didn’t even see his face.”
“Do you think is someone important?”
My heart lighted with that possibility. I didn’t think of that, but after James mentioned it, I could only smile. Someone heard me. Someone actually heard me.
“I don’t recognise the name…”
“Call him!”
“Not right now!”
James rolled his eyes, “Let’s go home! Call him.”
“What if it’s a prank?”
“What if it isn't?”
I started picking my things up, following James.
“I’m nervous.”
“Sirius! This could be it. Do you understand?”
I nodded, and bit my lip, anxious and happy.
CUTHBERT BINNS (PART OF THE RCA RECORD LABEL): When you see a talent like that, you can’t just ignore it.
SIRIUS BLACK: I still can’t believe my luck.
“Hello?” I talked once the call was picked up.
“Hi?”
“Cuthbert Binns?” I read the card, “Ahm- I was the one playing on the street before the shopping center today… around…” I closed my eyes, “2pm?”
“The radiohead boy?”
“Yes! I figured you’d want me to call you.”
“No, yes, I did. Sorry I didn’t stay to talk, I needed to go somewhere. I saw you playing and… you have an interesting voice going on.”
SIRIUS BLACK: It wasn’t as easy as it looked.
“Do you… want to hear me?”
“Have you heard of RCA Records?”
I widened my eyes and looked at James.
“What?” he whispered.
“Uhm- Yes, yes of course.”
“Look, kid, I’m interested in getting to know what you can offer.”
Of course I was hoping he would simply say he wanted to take me, but putting me through a test was good enough.
“That’s- I would love that. I have some songs that are 100% mine.”
“I have to go now, but… call me later.”
SIRIUS BLACK: I didn’t sleep that night [laugh]
“Fuck!” I screamed.
“What, what?!”
“He’s from the RCA records and he wants to hear my songs!”
“Are you kidding?!” James jumped from the bed.
I started jumping, because it was impossible to control the excitement inside my chest. This was a risk, I knew that. He could hate it, and I would return to the same place I started. However, I had a chance. This was a step in my career, and… I didn’t want to give up.
“I’m only going to play for him, but… Fuck!”
“Oh my god, Sirius this is amazing! I’m so happy for you, man,” he pulled me into a hug.
I spent the entire night reading my songs, and none of them seemed good enough to show to someone that important. I had to pick one that was good. No, perfect. It had to be perfect. Not one seemed good enough, but James picked up a loose page and read it quickly.
“What about this one?”
I took it off his hand.
“Ah…”
SIRIUS BLACK: I forgot that song existed.
REGULUS BLACK: I hate that song.
“It’s a pretty sad song.”
“It’s about Regulus,” I stuffed it into the book and closed it, “I’m not playing it.”
“Sirius, it’s a good song!”
“It’s… private.”
SIRIUS BLACK: I wrote that song after I met Regulus. I wasn’t writing, that’s true, but… after I saw him… I don’t know- I just knew things weren’t the same, and I wanted it to be… I was just stupid.
“Sing it to me,” James asked, opening the book.
“What?”
“Sing it like you feel it, c’mon!”
“James…”
“Sirius!”
I closed my eyes, “Okay. Give me the guitar.”
James jumped out of the bed and grabbed his guitar, passing it to me. I held it carefully, feeling my heart beat against my ribs. James took the page and moved it to be in my direction.
“ I know that you’re waiting for me like a dog… but I have some patience for the part of me that’s lost …. I can’t,” I sighed, stopping my fingers.
“Sirius, you can’t base your career on music about things without meaning. This song is about something deep. It’s good, it’s emotional… C’mon! Pretend that I’m Binns.”
I stared at him. He was right, I needed to stop ignoring the songs about my deepest feelings just because It’s hard for me to sing it.
“Embrace the pain,” he said, and I sighed again, looking down before starting to play.
I had my eyes closed the entire time. I felt my heart getting tighter and tighter as I thought about Regulus. I wasn’t brave enough to make things right.
INTERVIEWER (2):How do you feel about the song?
REGULUS BLACK: [laugh] I think… that he had better songs to make it his debut.
SIRIUS BLACK: I did show Cuthbert this song…
CUTHBERT BINNS: It needed some changes… but you could feel his emotion, his voice was 100 times better than it was on the day I heard him playing on the streets… that’s the power of feelings.
“Ok…” I said to him, Sirius was looking at me like I was about to shoot him.
“So…? What do you think? I- I have other songs.”
I laughed quietly, “I think you need attitude, boy,” I was honest, “You’re good. Some changes on the song could make it better, but I like it. That’s not enough, though.”
Sirius’ eyes fell to the ground.
SIRIUS BLACK: [laugh] He gave me a heart attack that day.
“You need confidence, attitude. That’s the key. You see so many musicians that don’t have songs that matter, but you know why they’re famous? Because they have an attitude. Don’t come at me, sing your song, and then say that you have other songs that might be better. If you chose this song, it’s because it means something, so stick with it. Fight for it.”
“I-”
“It’s okay, kiddo. You’re good, and I wanna see more of you… but you have some stuff to work out.”
CUTHBERT BINNS: I said all of that, because the world couldn’t lose Sirius, no… that was not an option. I did, and still do love that boy, but back then… Jesus [laugh], he was so insecure, and fragile…
SIRIUS BLACK: I’m glad I had Berth in my life. He made me. I’m the finished project of something he started, and I don’t mean this in a bad way. If he never had found me, I wouldn’t be prepared for this fame, not at all. He didn’t take me after that day, he threw me to the wolves, and made me fight. He didn’t reject me, he made the right decision, and I didn’t see that back then. [laugh] I thought if I’m good, why not work with me? you know, [laugh] but he saw something in me.
CUTHBERT BINNS: I kept my eye on him for the whole time. Every time he sang in bars, the streets… Even when he started playing gigs, and caughting the eye of producers, other scouts… I had him on my hand. I kept calling him, and every time his confidence would get bigger, and bigger, and man… [smile] his songs… they got deeper, and deeper.
SIRIUS BLACK: I started getting comfortable with exposing my feelings. After Cuthbert found me, I decided I was not going to stop. I fought, and fought against my own demons. It was hard, a type of hard I can’t put into words. Of course, I was rejected so many times. I’d sing for people that would say that my lyrics weren’t strong enough, so I made them deeper. People would say I wasn’t using my voice correctly, so I started seeing a voice coach to learn how to use my voice in some songs. People would say, like Cuthbert, that I didn’t have an attitude, so I worked on that, and now I don’t know how to be the boy I was at 16.
INTERVIEWER (1): And how did Albus become your manager?
SIRIUS BLACK: You know, when I recorded Mr.Forgettable, I had the advice of Cuthbert, but I wasn’t part of the RCA Records. I was… an Indie musician somehow. And, one day, he found me. At first, I told him no, because he fucking rejected me when I needed! But now, now I understand.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: You can’t just see a kid begging on his knees on a winter night in LA and take him with you to record songs and make him famous! No. I just couldn’t. Of course, when Cuthbert started talking about this teen that was brilliant, uhm… that he was talented and he was the future, I heard his song and I thought “ The boy was right. ” He was, indeed, good at what he does.
SIRIUS BLACK: I had no idea Albus and Cuthbert were friends but… you can’t be shocked in that world.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: Cuthbert gave me his number, I called Sirius and at first… he only didn’t told me to go fuck myself because I got lucky. But I’m no quitter. I knew Curthbert wasn’t going to be more than a… type of advisor, so I had to take him.
SIRIUS BLACK: He invited me to dinner. I told James I wasn’t going, but James didn’t take a no as an answer.
“Fuck no!”
“Sirius. It’s fucking Albus Dumbledore!”
“He turned me down when I was homeless.”
“Jesus, but now he’s giving you a chance. Take it, swallow your pride, man.”
“I have Cuthbert.”
“Albus. Dumble freaking Dore is asking you to have dinner with him to discuss your future career! Sirius!” he laughed desperately.
JAMES POTTER: I knew that if I didn’t fight with him, he would be burning every chance of being famous.
“My song isn’t viral, so why are you here?” I said.
“Because I see potential in you.”
“You didn’t when I needed it.”
Albus laughed, “Look, boy, I understand you. You needed me, but… how did you want to start from the top? That’s not how it works. You’re what? 16?”
“17. My birthday was last week.”
“So, one year. In one year, you fought hard to release your song, and you did! Do you know how great Cuthbert is? I don’t think you do.”
“I think I know. We worked together.”
“No. You worked,” he was smiling, like it was fun to have more knowledge than me, “He gave you advice, you took it and made everything by yourself. Of course, you needed him to record the song, but apart from that… You wrote the song, you sang it, it’s your song.”
“I don’t get it. What do you want from me?”
“I’m telling you that if you let me be your manager… You’ll be great.”
“I can’t leave Cuthbert.”
“He’s not going to be your manager, boy. I’m right here, offering you the opportunity of your life. Your personal manager. You’ll be recording songs, getting fans, at some point making shows, starting from small ones to crowded rooms.”
I looked at them, thinking about that possibility. Albus was huge, and he wanted me. He wanted to make me someone that matters. Even though I couldn’t let go of him ignoring me when I was at my worst still.
“What if you give up on me?”
He stretched his forehead, “I can’t think of a scenario where that happens. You’re strong.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I still remember what you told me that night. It’s hard when your family doesn’t support you, but that didn’t make you give up… are you out of there?”
“I am. I’m living with my best friend in his parents house.”
“You know, with a talent like that… you can do better, have a greater life. For stars like you… only a big ass mansion can be at your level.”
“So you wanna work with me.”
“Exactly.”
SIRIUS BLACK: After that, I knew that it was starting. I wrote love songs, even if I wasn’t living any love story at all. I even thought that they would be meaningless, but they were good, and love songs were what made me go famous.
INTERVIEWER (1): That was the time you wrote Sure Thing, right?
SIRIUS BLACK: Typical 2000s song. I remember when it became one of the most played songs in the country. I went to celebrate with James, and that night, Albus called me saying that I had to play it to people.
JAMES POTTER: I was proud of him.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: I wasn’t shocked at all.
SIRIUS BLACK: My first show was in the summer of 2005. It was a big, big crowd. I was nervous, so nervous.
“You can do this,” James held my shoulders.
“Am I pretty?”
“Very. Go, go!”
I ran to the stage, moving my arms with the screams. When I started singing, and people just started screaming the lyrics, I could swear I would break down right there and then. People actually liked it, and they were excited seeing me sing it. Of course, I sang other songs that weren’t as viral as Sure Thing, but still, they knew the song. I looked for Regulus among the people when I played Mr.Forgettable, hoping he would be there to witness my first show… but he wasn’t.
REGULUS BLACK: Of course I heard about the show, even my parents did but… I couldn’t just go like we were the best of brothers.
SIRIUS BLACK: I’m still sad he wasn’t there.
JAMES POTTER: The show was a fucking success, and I’m glad I was there for him. I’m glad he had one person to be there to celebrate after the show ended.
SIRIUS BLACK: I met Marlene that night. We were leaving the space when she ran towards us.
MARLENE MCKINNON (SINGER, SIRIUS’ BEST FRIEND): I was obsessed with Sirius, like half of the girls in my school were. His song was epic [laugh], but I found him more than just a pretty face and a good voice. I felt like he was sweet, and I loved his lyrics. So, that night I saw the show, and I waited for him outside.
“Hey!” I called, and he looked back. I didn’t know the boy with him.
“Hi.”
“I’m Marlene,” I stretched my hand, and he took it, “I love your songs, and I was wondering if you… and you,” I looked at the boy standing there, “Would want to come to a party of mine.”
“Uh- If I get free time, yes.”
“Here’s my number,” I held his hand and wrote it with my pen, “You know, I feel like you’re very cool, and it’d be a pleasure to hear from you. Bye!”
“Bye, Marlene!”
SIRIUS BLACK: It was random, but I liked her. It was the first “fan” that ever talked to me, and the first person besides James that seemed to want my company.
JAMES POTTER: I was surprised she didn’t ignore me. Maybe that’s why I wanted to go to the party so bad.
MARLENE MCKINNON: He called me the next day.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Hey! It’s Sirius Black.”
“Hey Sirius! Interested in the party?”
“Yeah, actually. I have a lot to celebrate.”
We laughed.
“I hope I didn’t seem creepy waiting for you outside your show.”
“Not at all! Can you tell me your address? Is the party at your house?”
“Yes, my parents are away.”
I told him letter by letter, and he promised he would be there by 6.
SIRIUS BLACK: I went to the party, and that’s when I met Remus.