so easy to love
He stared at the floor of the dark bathroom, listening to the dripping faucet echoing off the walls and the dust motes floating around him in the moonlight. His shirt scratched painfully against his skin and his left arm burned as he braced himself against the icy porcelain sink. His shoes felt too small and his pants too long all the while with his back hurting like it carried the weight of the world.
Everything just felt so inexplicably wrong.
He looked up through his eyebrows for the briefest second at himself in the mirror and truly didn’t know who he was looking at. He ran a single finger down his cheek and brushed his lips but still, the action felt foreign, like it was someone else touching him.
He had spent the entire night awake and the day in his dorm, feigning illness- perhaps it wasn’t a feint if he did feel so incredibly ill that the mere thought of what he was about to do right now had him running to the toilet and retching- bile burning up his throat and souring his mouth.
He leaned against the toilet, the cold tile harsh against his knees, and just sat there dissociating for long moments. He had been in this bathroom for so long that he was probably already late to see James but what he was planning to do was to be a million times worse than being a few minutes late.
Shutting his eyes once more, he watched stars flicker against the back of his eyelids- perhaps he wouldn’t be alone forever.
He stood up, rinsed his mouth, splashed cold water against his face, and gave himself one last look in the mirror- straightening his spine, squaring his jaw, and shutting his mind, his eyes shuttering slightly as he did so.
The corridors were expectedly empty and he arrived too soon to the Room, the heels of his boots clicking as he paced in front of the wooden door that slowly materialised.
When he stepped in, James was sitting on the edge of the bed but he jumped up at his arrival, already scurrying over to him with a big smile on his face. It was horrible really considering how late he was.
He wished James could hate him or atleast get angry with him over things like this. If James was ever late to see him, he’d give him an hour or two maybe and stay upset with him until he gave him a kiss or treat the following day. If James had, say, ignored him for days after the holiday, exactly like he did, he would ignore him even longer and harder than he did and be sure to instigate a bit of a spat over it. He was like a tripwire, volatile and always ready to set off, but James was just as calm as the waves in the lake and was easy to please.
He was so so easy to love, but so incredibly difficult to leave behind.
In the hours following up to this evening, he tried to prepare a script for himself so that he could adhere himself to something but he could only muster up a few lines before tears would pool in his eyes and he was forced to focus on something else.
“Someone’s late,” James tutted as he wrapped his arms around him while he stayed stiff as a board, refusing to bend. “How are you, how was your DADA practical- I know those can get a bit mad,” he asked, taking his rucksack off his shoulder and setting it aside for him.
“James…” he started.
“Oh don’t tell me you failed because you know I won’t believe you,” he replied easily but when he sat back down on the edge of the bed facing him, his smile dropped a bit in response to his icy exterior.
“We need to talk.”
“Okay…” he drew out the last sound, patting the bed next to him but Regulus didn’t move over, couldn’t stand to be any closer to him than he already was. He stood by the door because he hoped he could make a quick and clean getaway once he had said his piece.
“I think- it’s just-” he had practised what to say for hours and still, the words stuck in his throat, “We need to break up.”
James stared blankly up at him for a few seconds while Regulus just held his breath then he chuckled a bit, “I have to admit, you’ve had funnier moments.”
“I’m serious,” he protested.
“No you’re Regulus,” he jested and it was enough for him to rush out with a,
“I’m not joking Potter.”
That’s what really got to him, the use of his surname, and he quickly stood up, “What do you mean?” His face was already contorted and his body was tense, so clearly visible under the muggle clothing that clung to his form that made Regulus want to squeeze him.
He settled for flexing his hand in his pocket at his side.
“I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too much too soon and it’ll never work out anyways so I don’t want to waste anymore time on it,” he rattled, his eyes focusing on everything else in the room except him.
“Hey, talk to me, what happened? Did something happen? Did you get a letter from home, er- your mum I mean did she-?” he scrutinised harshly, stepping into his line of sight before he averted them again.
“No- no one talked to me, this is my choice, I don’t want to do this anymore-” he spit out.
“I don’t believe that- I don’t believe this for a single second. Something happened that you’re not telling me. Is it the stuff I said about your friends because I already dropped it, I swear it,” he pleaded, offering his hands palm up to him.
His voice was already cracking, his emotions pouring out of him like a wound that wouldn’t heal. He was jumping around in front of him but Regulus refused to be swayed, was so steadfast that he was distantly impressed with himself. In his darkest nightmares, he gave in to James, dropped the argument and wrapped himself in his arms- it would be a tragedy.
“It’s not about any of that- I just don’t think we’re right for each other anymore and if you can’t accept that then it’s not my problem, you’ll have to get over it.” He tried to make it sound like he didn’t really care what happened but really, he was just running out of things to say.
James took a step back as though he had been wounded, his head tilting like a puppet with its string cut, “How can you say that? Get over it? Get over what?- Loving you? Why won’t you-,” his voice was high and panicked as he gesticulated wildly and he could barely finish one sentence before clutching on to another.
Regulus turned away, having said what he needed. His script ended here, he hadn’t prepared any more material but he was sure James had received the message.
James’ large hand wrapped around his upper arm and Regulus whipped around and ripped his hand off, “Don’t touch me.” What he didn’t say was that his touch was like a drug, turning every nerve ending on and that it wasn’t painful but the most desirable feeling in the world.
“Thenlook at me!” James shouted over him, genuinely loud enough that his words seemed to echo and amplify. The lights in the room dimmed as the fire in the hearth grew larger as though the room was being fueled by his anger, or perhaps it was the other way around.
Finally, he tore his eyes from the drapes behind James and looked into his eyes. They were burning amber now, so bright and fierce that he could probably set something on fire with a single glance. He almost wished he would set him alight, to burn under his gaze on last time.
“You can’t just walk out of here like none of this matters, you don’t get to just walk away from me like the past two no- six years didn’t matter. You don’t get to tell me you belong to me to walk away. You have no right and I demand an explanation,” he was breathing heavily now, the vein in his neck pulsing and chest heaving.
Lies had gotten Regulus into this position, ugly horribles lies had threatened every relationship he had in his life up until this point and despite how strong the urge to continue lying was, he knew James didn’t deserve it- he deserved the truth for all he had given him so he loosed a breath once more and looked into his shining eyes.
“You want an explanation?” he whispered, the silence suddenly overwhelming.
James jerked his head in some semblance of a nod.
So Regulus did what he vowed to never do and lifted his left sleeve. James tracked the movement but of course, all he saw was his bare arm so Regulus waved his other hand over it and revealed the dark mark in all its glory with the scars and pulsing black veins encircling it like a halo.
James tripped over his own feet as he took a step back, his hand going to cover his mouth as he shook his head, “No,” he whispered but it sounded like a plea, a prayer, that whatever this was wasn’t real.
His mark felt so wrong, so dirty, in this room that they had spent Christmas together in, had late nights wrapped around each other in, he had sullied everything pure about this room and could never return.
“But you’re not- you wouldn’t-” James started up again once he found his voice.
“But I am and I did,” he stated firmly, “This-” he gestured to the room around them, “was just some fantasy, some delusion we’ve conjured for ourselves, but the alarm lock has rung, the sun rose, and we’ve hit our limit.”
“How long?” James asked as a single tear fell from his eye, carving a path down his smooth cheek before slipping from his jaw.
“Since Christmas,” he answered honestly.
James just appeared horrified, “You’ve been lying to me for two months already?”
Regulus almost hadn’t realised they were already approaching the end of February, time was flying by him but he felt like he was trapped in the whipping sands around him, slowly sinking deeper and deeper into it.
“What were you thinking?” he said, suddenly angry now, “I told you hundreds of times you could come home with me, I know you’re not like your family so why didn’t you just listen. Time and time again, Sirius, me, even Remus, have tried to help you-”
“Don’t you get it James? There is no helping me, there is no pretty solution to all this, no resolution to this that we can just move past, look at my arm- this is permanent. You want to be an Auror so bad? Imagine what it’ll be like when I’m on bloody Voldemort’s side? This is for life and I can’t just get out of it.”
James was breathing heavily, a deep frown marring his features, “We can still do something-.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Regulus nearly shouted. James should be horrified and disgusted yet he was still standing here like there was even a point to continue, “Why are you fighting me on this-.”
“Because I love you!” he shouted back, his hands clutched at the air as he nearly doubled over. “I love you and I’m not just going to walk away from you!”
“Then I’ll have to make the decision for you,” Regulus dropped his voice and turned away.
“Don’t-” James rushed, “If you walk out that door Regulus, we’re done.” It was clear he had meant it as a last ditch effort to keep him here, to continue talking this through but Regulus had no words left to say.
“Then we’re done.”
He grabbed his bag and opened the door in one swift movement before the door fell shut behind him with a resounding bang.
_________
When he got back to the room a few hours later, he was incredibly exhausted, already having cried and fought all the energy out of his system. He aimlessly wandered the corridors for hours like a ghost who had died all too soon.
His tears dried into long tracks on his face and his feet dragged along the floor as he moved. Every little sound had perked his ears and he paused before being disappointed every time to find it wasn’t anything relevant. He had some sick hope that maybe James would run after him, even after everything he had done, or maybe even somehow get a letter in his pocket ordering him back, but that hope was quickly squashed when nothing happened, even as the sky turned from black to grey and the sun crested the horizon.
He was as silent as possible when he got back to his dorm and when he opened the door, he was momentarily surprised to see Barty was the only one in the room until he remembered- Evan was spending the night with Pandora to finish some assignment they had to do together.
He tried to be as quiet as he could as he manoeuvred around the room but the memories of his fight with James mere hours ago assaulted him and he had bumped his foot against his trunk, cursing at the stinging pain that accompanied it.
“Reg?” he heard a muffled voice to his right.
“Sorry,” he choked out, fighting to keep his voice even.
A swish then, “What are you doing here? Bit late for a walk of shame isn’t it, or early, I dunno,” his voice was clouded with sleep and confusion and Regulus hated to bother him, knowing how much he hated waking up early.
“I- er-” he grasped for something to say but came up empty. He tried to find something equally humorous to say but nothing at all seemed funny anymore when all he could see were shades of grey and black and his mind was fuzzy and his skin felt so so cold.
“What’s happened?” Barty sat up now, a bit more alert, “Are you okay?”
He nodded but kept his mouth shut as his throat clenched and his chin trembled. He wanted to keep moving so he went straight into the bathroom and stripped all of his clothes off. When he clutched at the collar of his shirt to pull it off, his hand snagged at the chain still hung around his neck.
He grasped the chain, his fingers slipping against the metal as he spun it around, clutching for a clasp that didn’t exist. He didn’t want to wear it anymore, not out of anger but because he didn’t deserve to wear it anymore. He didn’t deserve the love the necklace symbolised and he groaned in frustration as it strained against the skin of his neck and he grunted.
He grit his teeth and a quiet whine slipped out of his throat at the frustration of it all.
He hadn’t even realised Barty was knocking on the door until an unlocking spell caused the handle to click and he pushed in.
“Reg,” a statement instead of a question.
His back was turned to Barty but he still choked out, “I broke up with James.” He turned to him with tears blurring his vision so he couldn’t see Barty’s face drop but he felt his arms wrap around him tightly, holding him together, and dragging him into his bed.
“I- we-,”
“Not now,” he whispered softly, pulling him so that they were flush against each other, his cheek resting against Barty’s chest, the covers pulled over them.
His touch was instantly soothing and being back in his arms felt like walking back into your childhood home- comforting and warm and nostalgic all at once and his tears ceased, leaving him only feeling incredibly empty and raw.
Neither of them spoke and while Regulus was just staring at Evan’s plants sitting still on the window sill, he let his eyes fall shut and breathing to slow in the hopes that this was all just a nightmare.
_________
The Library offered him a very specific kind of solace. It wasn’t necessarily silent nor was it empty as the end of the year approached and students, more specifically the fifth and seventh years, flocked to the area in groups to get started on their exam studies.
Regulus, as a lost sixth year, had nothing specific to prepare for but he felt comforted by all of the books around him, characters tucked up in the hundreds of books lining the looming shelves on either side of him, leading secret lives and romances only waiting to be read.
He had so often wrapped himself up in his research recently that he hadn’t actually picked up a book in a while, one that was fictional and fantastical and for entertainment purposes only. So often he felt like if he wasn’t reading a book that contained actual knowledge, then it was simply a waste of time but now time is all he really had.
He was adjusting to a life without James however dramatic he sounded to himself. He was so used to James taking up every waking moment, he was always either thinking about him or he was with him. Regulus felt lost whenever the evening would roll around and he remembered he didn’t actually have plans to go see him at the Lake or the Tower or anywhere at all.
Barty and Evan started worrying over him like mother hens all weekend when he hadn’t left the dorm so finally now, on Sunday, he left them to talk about him behind his back instead of whispering to each other whenever his bed curtains were shut as though they were somehow also sound proof- they were not.
He was aimlessly walking through the seemingly endless aisles, his head tilted slightly so he could get a better luck at the titles, when he turned the corner and a pair of black boots stepped in his path.
He looked up and saw Dorcas, leaning against the edge with her lips pulled back in a tight smile. Her arms were crossed casually across her front and when their eyes connected, she turned her head to the side a bit,
“You’ve been hard to get a hold of lately,” she murmured.
“You know where I am,” he shrugged.
“Do I?”
He looked at her questioningly and she took that as her cue to sit down, right there, her back leaning against a shelf of books and her feet stretched out in front of her towards the parallel shelves, her legs just long enough to bridge the distance. Regulus followed suit, settling down next to her feet and stretching out towards her, his feet already brushing the books on the bottom shelves opposite him.
She was playing with the seemingly dozens of rings on her fingers as she spoke, “This must be hard for you…breaking up with James.”
One of the two that knew must have told her. She was speaking oddly formally and it tore at his heart- he and Dorcas had made up from their initial spat but that’s not to say their relationship was by any means perfect and he respected that, he knew why, the reminder of it still hurt though.
“I had to do it, the lying- I just couldn’t keep doing it to him,” he admitted honestly, pulling at a thread hanging off the edge of his jumper. “We were a lost cause anyways, it was always going to happen.”
“What was it like, when you got the mark? I mean, I just can’t imagine…” she trailed off, her eyes never leaving his but he could just tell she was itching to see the mark again, to bare the sight of it to the world.
“I didn’t actually know I was getting it until it happened. My mum knew but she kept it a secret, saying we’d be having a dinner party that evening and that’s all. She was still reeling from my father’s death and I think it’s what pushed her to sort of, offer, me to him. I always thought I would be too young for the mark but he gave it to me anyways- one spell and it was over,” he glossed over the more gruesome parts.
Her face twisted slightly and she dropped a hand to his ankle and squeezed, “I’m sorry.”
He just nodded.
“I’ve missed you y’know, I think we’ve both been caught up with other things that we sort of lost each other a bit there.”
It was true that once he had formed a more romantic relationship with James that his platonic ones had taken a slight back burner despite the fact that he had known and cared for them longer. She was also in a relationship of her own and she was so incredibly happy with Marlene that he never got upset over it- it was only now that he was alone that he started to understand how they might have felt.
“I’ve missed you too Cas,” he smiled slightly.
He just felt so tired still, like the bags under his eyes held weights and his limbs were doused in ice, numbing him and slowing his movements. It was hard to regain some sort of homeostasis and he didn’t know how he did it before.
“You look like shite by the way,” she later mentioned with a small quirk of the side of her mouth and even he had to huff.
“I know okay,” he mumbled, running a hand through his hair.
She followed the movement and a small glint appeared in her eye, “Why don’t we change that a bit then?”
“What do you mean?”
She sighed dramatically, pushing herself up off the floor and sticking a hand out for him to grab, “Come on,” she jerked her head and ever her servant, he followed.
_________
“Really Cas, I’m not in the mood,” he pushed her away but she did not relent.
“But it’ll help you feel better,” she protested.
“Nothing is going to-.”
“I just-” Pandora said a bit loudly, “Think we should have one night together. No thinking about anything happening on the other side of that door. Just us, right here, right now,” she finished with a clap and hopeful look. She was dressed wildly today, in robes of pink and purple all spun up around her like a fairy who had gotten lost in a fabric shop but she looked brighter than he had seen her in quite some time.
They were all staring at him and he didn’t want to be the party pooper for the umpteenth time and he had to admit, having them all here, on the unspoken agreement of being there for him, meant so much to him that he caved in to their demands.
At his approval, Barty instantly turned the record player on and dropped a Bowie vinyl, the music already loud in the dim space as he turned the knob and raised the volume even higher.
Dorcas was practically jumping out of her skin as she dragged Regulus into the bathroom, forcing him down onto the chair she had dragged in.
He didn’t really know how this had happened but he was now sitting in the chair, about to receive a hair cut from Dorcas who was most definitely not licensed or trained,
“Cas please don’t make me bald.”
“I won’t,” she said breezily, “It’ll be great, trust me.”
He sighed slightly and turned back around and then she muttered, “Probably,” and he had to suppress a cringe. His hair was quite long, a haircut being the furthest thing on his mind lately, and it had already started to curl under his ears and down his neck and he always preferred longer hair but even he could admit that it was turning a bit…bleh by now.
She ended up turning him around in the hopes of keeping it a secret so he just watched the chaos unfold in the dorm beyond them.
What had started as Pandora flipping through Barty’s sketchbook, aweing at his talent, slowly turned into him pulling out the tattoo gun that Regulus had bought him as a Christmas gift and starting to prep her arm.
“What are you getting?” he called out and Dorcas clicked her tongue and straightened his head.
Evan turned the notebook around to show him and it was a rough sketch of a lily of the valley flower, quite minimalistic and dainty and so perfectly Pandora he gave her two thumbs up in support.
As he saw more and more of his hair fall to the ground, he surprisingly started to calm down a bit more. He realised how insignificant appearances really were. He could choose whatever he liked with his appearance and even if he did have the mark on his arm, he could at least change other aspects of himself instead of conforming to this cardboard cutout version of himself he had maintained for the past sixteen years of his life.
He was a different person entirely from even the start of the year and he supposed Dorcas had a point about how changing his exterior just helped to reflect that shift that had gone on in his life. And because apparently bad decisions are good for the healing process.
Also, he held back from changing his look too dramatically for fear of what his mother would say but now that he had the mark, he didn’t think she could really say anything to him, he was now perfect in her eyes.
He was just happy to be amongst friends now that he had lost the most significant person in his life.
He knew he would never get over James, his feelings for him ran so deep and still continue to do so that he wasn’t sure he’d ever move past it but he did what he had to do for James’ safety and happiness and he’d do it a million times over if it meant keeping him safe.
He had gone about it horribly there’s no denying but it is what it is and it was fine with him so long as James was alive and hating him instead of dead and loving him.
A door suddenly banged shut and Dorcas called out over her shoulder, "What happened?"
"Some first year told us to be quiet," Evan rolled his eyes, "I told him to fuck off."
"Evan!" Pandora chided him, clearly scandalised.
"Obviously I'm joking, I just silenced the room," he said and it seemed to calm Pandora down a bit though immediately after she turned away, he sent them a sly wink and Regulus and Dorcas had to suppress their laughs.
_________
“Okay and open your eyes!” Dorcas said from behind him and his eyes flew open.
He marvelled at her work as he turned his head from side to side, eyeing what she had done.
His hair kept most of its length save for a quick trim on the bottom but it was the rest of it that he focused on. She had cut layers throughout his hair, leaving the pieces in the front and top a bit longer while cutting down the edges and sides. It was slightly tousled, messier than usual and it reminded him a bit of Sirius’ hair before he just let it continue growing past this point.
“Oh,” was all he said but at her face he quickly continued, “No it’s a good oh, really. I actually quite like it,” he clarified as he played with his hair a bit.
Dorcas had done truly well, and he liked that she had kept much of the length so his hair continued to wave, a far cry from when his mother would shave his head the instant a hint of texture started to appear.
He frowned at the ever widening streak of white being in clear view but she just tousled his hair with a, “You shouldn’t hide it” before walking out of the bathroom.
When he followed suit, everyone was over excited and he wondered why until he saw a bottle of gleaming amber liquid being passed between the others in the room.
Barty was the only one who wasn’t paying attention, instead focusing on a spider he was currently tattooing across his hand. He had slowly added to his collection of tattoos since he got the machine and while on anyone else it may seem excessive, it worked so well on Barty that Regulus couldn’t imagine what he looked like without them anymore.
“Isn’t this a bit dangerous?,” he asked, heading over to sit across from him.
“I’m still entirely sober,” he pointed out, wiping some of the excess ink before continuing.
“So… you’d be able to give me one too?” he hesitated, voicing the decision he had come to approximately 15 minutes ago.
He quirked a brow while a devilish grin split out across his lips, “Oh yes I can, I’ve been waiting for the day you’d ask Reggie, just give me a minute yeah?”
“Don’t call me that, and okay,” he acquiesced to go towards Evan and Pandora.
After a couple rounds of passing the bottle, Evan dropped his head on his shoulder like a baby too tired to hold up their own heavy head, “Reg,” he whined.
“Ev,” he playfully replied.
“I’m sorry, so so sooooo sorry,” he drew out, shaking his head on his shoulder.
“And why is that?” he nudged.
Evan sat up so quick that he almost rammed into his jaw, “Dorcas told me about your talk and- and the mark and- I was there that night. I should’ve” a hiccup, “I should’ve helped or- I dunno said-.”
“Alright that’s enough for you,” Regulus ordered, taking the bottle away from Evan, knowing that whenever he got really emotional, a blackout was near, “And for the rest of it, you didn’t know and it’s in the past now, I mean c’mon let’s move on to something more interesting.”
He had meant it as a bit of a joke and Evan complied, going on to talk about how many different shades of purple there were, but his words held a bit of truth he supposed.
The mark was final and he had done everything he needed to in terms of breaking the truth to his loved ones. From now on, everything was going to get harder and seeing his friends still so affected by him made him want to be stronger.
His friends, especially Barty and Evan, have been worrying themselves sick over him, the constant health scares, his family issues, their involvement with the dark Lord, and now his breakup with James.
Especially considering the fact that Evan and apparently Barty were following in his footsteps, he needed to be stronger for them. He also just hated feeling weak again like he did for so many years of his life. While he felt despair and misery constantly, he also knew that staying in that state wouldn’t help.
He had survived so much already and he could survive this- no he would thrive. He was chosen after all and he couldn’t pretend like he had gotten the mark out of sheer luck. He wanted to at least prove himself strong enough to take it.
A weight felt like it had lifted from his chest at the acceptance and later that night, when he was tucked up in bed staring at tattoo on the inner side of his upper arm- a burning star with lines and sparks streaking behind it to make it look like it was falling, he decided to lift the glamour on his other arm and take a look at the dark mark.
It was meant to be a bit of exposure therapy but it actually looked different this time around- the veins in his forearm had begun to look a bit grey around the mark, as though the corruption was bleeding into his bloodstream and infecting him and he was actually going to start looking into it more but that had completely faded now along with some of the seemingly permanent redness around the mark.
He realised what the final issue with the mark was then- acceptance. He had been fighting it so aggressively since the minute he got it and while he would now and forever hate it, tonight he had conceded to it, recognising it as a part of himself and moving on and the mark seemed to have settled in response.
He sighed as he turned his focus skyward- he supposed this was a win in some odd convoluted way.
His roiling thoughts silenced as he shifted, turning on his side and pulling the blankets up higher around himself. He missed the warmth of James but he’d settle for recalling the memory of his arms wrapped tight around him and the thump of his heart a steady rhythm in his ears whenever they fell asleep together.
___________
The following day, Monday, was actually a bit fortuitous for him considering his current Potions seating arrangement surrounded on all sides by James, Remus, and Sirius, all three who were probably ready to punch him on sight for what he had done.
Slughorn, apparently assuming that everyone loved Potions as much as he did and would somehow go missing in the wild at some point, decided it was important for them to learn how to forage their Potions ingredients should the occasion ever arise.
It sounded a bit mad but the idea of sitting in a classroom right now was worse so he welcomed it, even if their foraging required them to go into the Forbidden Forest.
Multiple students brought up the numerous safety concerns but he said it was ‘okay’ and that ‘so long as you keep vigilant, you’ll be fine- Hogwarts is extraordinarily safe.’ He begged to differ but remained silent as they entered the forest.
He hadn’t gotten a chance to speak to anyone aside from Dorcas because James and the rest joined the group as they were leaving, apparently a couple minutes late from breakfast. He had only caught a glimpse of James from the side of his eye and he looked how he always did- unnaturally beautiful, and it was a true shame he could openly ogle at him anymore.
Slughorn passed out their checklist and sent them off to search in marked off sections of the forest, ensuring they all partnered up and informed to send up red sparks if they were in need of any help at all.
He thought he’d be able to partner with Dorcas but Slughorn forced everyone to go with their table partners and she angrily stomped over to stand by Sirius who was equally put out.
James slowly made his way over to him and he looked tired, his skin a bit more dull and his freckles a bit faded. His glasses were smudged, or maybe the cloudiness was just in his eyes, but he looked for all intents and purposes, worn out. He seemed smaller overall and Regulus wanted to smack James for caring about him so much, he hated that he was the cause of this when James should just be happy to be rid of him.
“Off you go!” Slughorn announced so Regulus didn’t really get a chance to react and perhaps it was good the decision was out of his hands because he wasn’t sure what he was going to say to him if anything at all.
“M’sorry,” Regulus finally voiced as he consulted the map to find out where they were to go.
“For?” James asked quietly and his voice was like a soothing balm to the aching wound of his heart. He wanted to shove a book in his hands and force him to read it aloud for hours for how much Regulus missed hearing his voice. He had gone from hearing it daily to not at all, only made worse that the last time he heard it was through tears, and he had to force himself to remain calm.
“I’m sure I’m not your favourite person right now,” he murmured, stepping over gnarled tree roots and moss-covered stones.
“I’m not sure that’s true.”
Regulus paused his trek, mouth slightly parted as he looked to James who seemed to still look at him hopefully. They were dancing around each other as though they were only just starting to court each other instead of already mourning the ending of their relationship.
He didn’t know what to say but when James leaned in close, his mind froze, all thoughts disintegrating as his face became even clearer and in an instant, he was so close that Regulus’ could feel his breath just brushing his cheek.
“Shelf mushroom,” he whispered before pulling back with a handful. Regulus turned around and saw multiple growing along the tree trunk right behind him.
James had given him a bloody heart attack over mushrooms and he felt like an idiot. He hastily turned around and started picking some to throw into his basket.
“You got a haircut,” he stated.
“Dorcas was feeling experimental,” he replied, heading onward because staying on the move at least gave him something else to focus on aside from the green in his eyes and the pinkness of his lips.
“It looks good,” he offered and Regulus just didn’t reply.
This was so awkward and uncomfortable and he wanted to explode so he finally turned around, “I just want to-
“I’m sorry-” James said at the exact time as he started.
“What?” Regulus countered, surprised that James would even start with that.
“I wanted to apologise, for what I said, I was just shocked and-.”
“James don’t. I can’t believe even now you think that you have to apologise to me instead of the other way around.”
He was quiet for a moment and Regulus looked up from where he was picking pieces of moss off a fallen branch.
“You called me James,” he whispered like it was a secret.
Regulus remembered that he had previously called him Potter, “Force of habit.”
“Doesn’t just have to be.”
He was really pushing his luck it seemed, almost like their breakup hadn’t happened and it was just a little lovers’ spat instead but Regulus didn’t call him out for it, instead focusing on where the hell they would find elderberry seeds because he didn’t think they even grew out here.
Regulus didn’t reply as he scoured the area and James even let up a little as he went off to check off some of the other items on their list, giving him a chance to catch his breath and soothe his nerves.
He caught sight of other groups around him not speaking to each other at all and others’ more focused on talking with one another and swinging their empty baskets around- Slughorn was likely to not be pleased with them at the end of this. One group caught his eye in particular as they had bushels of elderberry in their basket so he trailed off to find out where they came from.
He found a small clearing with an abundance of elderberry plants in various stages of growth- some just green sprouts while others were full of white flowers or gobs of the berry. He was picking them when someone crouched down right next to him.
He started to find Remus staring right at him, clearly upset as he narrowed his eyes.
“Remus,” he said out of surprise and he already started to steel himself for whatever outburst he was likely to have. He’d never actually seen him genuinely mad before except from maybe when Sirius stormed into the greenhouses one time but even that one time was enough to show him that an angry Remus was surprisingly scary.
“You,” he pointed directly at him, “haven’t shown up to the greenhouses in weeks,” he accused, poking him in the sternum to punctuate each word. “I didn’t say anything before because I know I’ve missed a few but this is just out of control Reg, Sprouts working me overtime really.”
Regulus wanted to laugh right in his face for how absurd this was. He’d been avoiding the greenhouses for obvious reasons but right now it’s like he didn’t even care about what happened. He knew Remus was always a bit more mature than the rest but even this level of clearheadedness was unprecedented.
“But I-.”
“Ah,” he tutted as he pulled a plant out by the root, “I’ll start tattling on James if you don’t. You were friends with me first so I’m a bigger priority than him really, plus I’m the reason you passed that Charms exam so you can’t abandon me now.”
“First of all, you gave me a study guide that looked like a demented chicken wrote it, it barely helped,” he corrected, “Also James won’t care if you tattle.”
“I know he’ll take your side but I’ll still do it so you better be there on Saturday, no ifs, ands, or buts,” he declared before standing up, scribbling a check on his checklist, and sauntering away.
What? He really had no idea what just happened but as he made the walk to find James again, understanding slowly dawned on him.
“James,” he hissed to get his attention.
“Why does Remus think we’re still together?” he asked, hoping he had widely misunderstood what happened but when James’ eyes widened and his cheeks and ears turned red, he knew something was wrong.
“He doesn’t know-.”
“James!” he said again, more exasperated this time.
“Okay look- I wanted to talk to you first because I understand now.”
“What is it you think you understand?” He fought to keep his voice down to ensure others wouldn’t overhear but it wasn’t really a problem as everyone seemed to be metres apart.
“I knew from the start that you were lying when you said you wanted to end this and the mark just scared you into doing it and I know what it means, but I also know you, and I know that in your heart, you didn’t want it. I know how your family is and you were forced and-.”
“That doesn’t change anything!”
“Of course it does! Because I know the kind of person you are and that you are better than that mark,” he cringed as he said it. “You were doing it to protect me and I love you for it but-.”
“We’re not having this conversation, oh my gods,” Regulus shook his head.
He was hoping James didn’t catch on to the regret and fear that seemed to bleed into his words that night but clearly he did and while he was right, that didn’t mean Regulus could just go along with it because it would undermine the entire thing.
“We need to just talk-.”
“There is nothing to talk about,” he huffed, hoping a lightning strike would come out from the grey clouds currently crowding above them- he already felt errant drops of rain begin to hit him so it wasn’t completely impossible.
“I know you love me,” he stated, “I know what we had wasn’t just some dream, or whatever you called it.” He stepped closer then as rain started to fall on his cheeks like teardrops, “What we had was real and I refuse to let him take you away from me.”
“It’s just too late,” he turned away to resist James’ lure.
“Is it? Or are you just scared?”
Regulus wanted to run into his arms and say yes! I’m terrified! But he was rooted to the spot as he saw James, standing mere feet across from him with the throng of green behind him.
This was the same forest he had almost died in, the same forest James had risked his life to save him in, the very one that Regulus ran through to find him when the sun rose again. He remembered the fear that overtook him at the prospect of him being injured over him, how he kissed him deeply and savoured the mere feel of him, uncaring that all of his friends surrounded him because James was the only one that ever truly mattered to him in that way.
He was scared then and he was scared now and the fact that Regulus had bore his soul to him and he stayed had to mean something right? His mind was at war with himself but before he could even say anything-
“How could you!” a voice shouted from behind him over the rain that was starting to fall more heavily now. He turned to see Sirius approach them, anger and shock and accusal written across his face. Dorcas was rushing up right behind him, her face genuinely scared, as she watched him.
It was clear she had just told him the truth and now whatever solution they seemed to be building was washed away in one fell swoop.