strangest places
Things had flipped on their head entirely for Regulus.
Was he still marked with no idea for the ramifications or what it meant for him in the real world? Yes.
Was he having to wake up early everyday to glamour his arm that still continued to shock him with phantom pain?
Yes.
Did he still get to fall back into his usual routine with James? Maintain his friendships? Create some sort of semblance of happiness before it shattered all again?
Yes.
He didn’t even feel too worried about his Career meeting with McGonagall that all of them apparently had to go through- just to ensure there weren’t too many Hogwarts failures it seemed, because of the relative stability he had managed to gain for the time being.
When he arrived, he only had to knock once before the door swung open to reveal her sitting stern-faced behind her desk though when she looked up at him over her thin spectacles, her features seemed to smooth just a fraction.
He never thought McGonagall particularly liked him over the years, had maybe only just seen him as a less-impressive version of Sirius, but ever since she had approached him with the swimming lessons, she seemed to more than tolerate him even going so far as to give him a small smile in the corridors or in class should their eyes meet.
“Professor,” he greeted.
“Take a seat Mr. Black,” she gestured to the tartan clothed chairs and he obliged, sinking into the soft and worn cushions, “How are you?”
“Well, and you?” he asked, his hands already fidgeting and sweaty in his lap. Just being in her office under the weight of her gaze had him wanting to smooth down his hair and fix his collar.
“The usual. I’m only glad you showed up, I’ve had to chase multiple lazy and/or forgetful students down for missing these meetings already,” she frowned.
“Ah, I imagine so,” he nodded, remembering the way Barty was already planning to bunk his meeting with her later today.
“So what are you planning on pursuing once your time at Hogwarts is complete?” she inquired, quill hovering over a piece of parchment attached to a file with his name stamped on it.
“I will be taking over my father’s seat in the Wizengamot and functioning as the head of my house in all facets,” he said mechanically, an answer that had been burned into his head a hundred times over since he was old enough to speak.
The witch across from him didn’t seem too pleased as she looked down at her papers, “You show excellent skills in Potions, Slughorn even noted that he has decided to take you on as an apprentice. Is pursuing a Potions mastery not something you are interested in?”
Perhaps once it was but he’d never truly know- “It was a hobby, yes, but I have to fulfil my duties, they’re more important.”
“I imagine it is hard to choose what you would like to do and what you think you have to do,” she hummed.
“Not when you imagine you have a choice,” he retorted.
She gave him a quizzical look so he continued, “Well you said it would be ‘hard to choose.’ Giving yourself a choice makes it difficult but when you take it away and instead face what you must do as an absolute, it’s a given then, a mere fact to acknowledge.”
She nodded slowly before her lip quirked up slightly, “In all my years of teaching, students have come to me with various answers- fisherman, bureaucrat, cobbler- but every pureblood has the exact same answer. I rarely ever have one that deviates from the rest and I find myself still waiting for the day it happens.”
“Did you expect me to say something different?” He only asked because she seemed a bit humorfully disappointed in him but he really was like every other pureblood Slytherin before him so why would she presume otherwise?
“It doesn’t hurt to hope,” she finished writing something down on her parchment before shutting his file and sending it away to her large filing cabinet.
He thought they were done and he readied to leave but she pulled out a tin from a low drawer in her desk and set it between them. It was full of buttered and powdered and sugared biscuits and she beckoned him towards one.
He took one and gingerly held it in his fingers, almost too scared to take a bite.
“How are your lessons going with Mr. Potter? Those are still going on, yes?” she asked with a raised brow.
His traitorous cheeks started to burn and he took a large bite out of his biscuit just to delay answering, “Yes, sometimes, once a month, or if we just remember really.” There had to be anti-lying charms in here or something because he was usually much better than this.
“And are you learning?”
He nodded and hastily added, “I can float.” She stared at him for a long moment and he wanted to Obliviate her and himself so they could both forget he ever said that.
“I just mean I’m not scared of the water anymore and I can swim well enough,” he finished awkwardly.
“And in that time have you formed a sort of friendship with Mr. Potter? I know he can be quite charming.”
“He’s fine,” he evaded.
“Neither of you have managed to kill each other yet so that seems to be a good sign. I admit when I first paired you two together I was afraid of the worst happening between you two all things considered.”
“Then why did you do it in the first place? I mean I don’t imagine my fear of something would matter too much in the grand scheme of things so why step in now?”
She leaned back in her seat, tapping her quill against the desk as she assessed him with cloudy blue eyes, “Honestly, I saw an opportunity,
“When I came to find out what happened between you and your classmates, I was incredibly upset and disgusted with them for their behaviour. I wasn’t overly surprised, I had heard whispers of what was growing inside and outside of this castle but never did I expect cruelty like that so brazenly on campus grounds. When I later found out you wouldn’t even stay in your House, I knew something had to be done- Hogwarts is supposed to be a safe place for all their students, I hate for even a single student to feel uncomfortable here,
“Mr. Potter on the other hand, however impudent he is, is good and kind. I also knew he swam in the Lake daily, it seemed almost too perfect to not pair you two for a mutually beneficial task.”
He mulled over her words for a moment, not entirely pleased he was a science experiment but still interested nonetheless, “Well I can see how it was beneficial to me but how would it be for him?”
“It wouldn’t hurt the Gryffindors to open their minds up to Slytherins a bit more,” she said ruefully.
“Gryffindors and Slytherins couldn’t be any further apart,” he pointed out aptly.
“And yet they find each other in the strangest places,” she finished, standing up too quick for him to question her further, “It was nice to talk to Regulus, I do hope you know my door is open for all my students.
He nodded and bid her farewell, her words about Gryffindors and Slytherins knocking around in his head as he thumbed the golden chain that rested in the dip of his collarbones.
_________
“What is going on?” Regulus nearly shouted as he walked back in the room late at night after he met up with James by the Lake- not to swim because he had made an excuse that it was too cold despite McGonagall’s efforts and instead they sat side by side, talking.
He imagined James could talk about any given topic for hours and he was happy to listen to every single bit of it without complaint. He’d normally get tired of a single conversation, especially one he didn’t care about in minutes, but James had the ability to make everything sound entracing.
He had accused him of being a Siren once, however incorrectly that comparison was, he countered by saying that men couldn’t be Sirens. Regulus called him sexist and James huffed- so basically, he was right.
When he got back to the dorm however, he expected both Barty and Evan to already be asleep or atleast preparing for bed, but he was met with a shouting match between the two of them.
“You swore to me that you’d tell me anything that happens and you lied! ” Barty shouted with a raised finger.
Evan gave as good as he got, “I’m not obligated to tell you shit especially when I know what your motives are but it sounds like that doesn’t even matter because you’re already taking matters into your own hands.”
“My motives ? It sounds like you’re already accusing me of something,” Barty laughed incredulously. “And it’s not my fault they came up to me, they just did . Are you offended they didn’t come to you first or what?”
“What the hell is going on here?” he slammed the door behind him to give them both a momentary pause to catch their breaths.
Evan shot a venomous look towards Barty- he was angrier than Regulus had seen him in a long time and that was almost scarier than when he was actually shouting.
“I just caught Barty having some secret fucking meeting with Snape,” he accussed Barty who waved a hand in the air and scoffed.
“Barty?" Regulus whirled around on him, his voice already high and scared as he walked deeper in the room.
“It wasn’t some meeting , we just talked about the You-Know-Who thing,” he said, for some reason too scared to even say his name.
“What he’s not saying is that he was asking Snape for an in ,” Evan pointed, his hand shaking in mid-air. With the look on his face, one would think he was speaking to his enemy rather than his lover.
Regulus was already reeling, “Are you mad? No, are you actually insane?” His blood pressure was rapidly rising, his blood starting to boil.
An in ? An in for a future that every single one of them was trying to avoid? Regulus would kill to go back just a year before he had to deal with any of this, before he even knew anything about Voldemort besides the fact that he existed somewhere in the world but Barty was willingly seeking him out.
Worst of all is that it would be so damn easy for him- he was wily and intelligent and incredibly clever. He was a pureblood Slytherin and his father was vying for Minister of Magic- he had all the connections and the skills required to succeed in his goal.
It was a shame he was just so stupid.
“How is it that the both of you are just accepting this but the second I put a toe out of line, you’re both attacking me?” he angrily forced out, the vein in his neck pulsing and voice trembling with frustration.
“Neither of us want this! This isn’t some joke Barty, this is your life , why don’t you care more about it? Do you want to die?” Regulus closed in on him, so close that his breath brushed his hair but Barty held firm, chin out and face tensed.
“So I’m just supposed to watch you two hand yourselves over then?”
“Yes! Fuck yes!” Regulus pushed at his shoulder, “We don’t have a choice, you do and this, ” he gestured to the space around them, “Is not the one you’re going to make.”
“You’re ordering me then? You’re not my dad Reggie,” Barty pushed him back, widening the distance between them.
“When you clearly can’t make decisions on your own then yeah I’m going to step in,” Regulus whispered, tight and low.
“You’ve done enough for us, maybe you should let one of us help you. If I join, we’ll at least have each other, we can get through it together ,” Barty crowed.
“There is no us , there is no together ,” Regulus frowned. “Evan has a long time before he gets considered for a mark and you can help him in the meanwhile. I’m already deep in it but I refuse to drag you both down with me.”
“Unfortunately that’s what you signed up for when we became friends,” Barty murmured as they reached an unwilling ceasefire.
When this fight came up again, Regulus wasn’t sure he’d even have the energy to fight it. Barty was so entirely determined to join them on the way to hell with no regard for himself or anyone outside of their small group.
Loyalty was beautiful and criminal all at once and damn Regulus if the idea didn’t make him sick.
Would his loyalty know any ends? When they were all dead and gone in two years or a hundred years, would loyalty even matter?
Perhaps it would if all three of them lay side by side with the dark mark etched on their bones while they were surrounded by hundreds of pristine ones.
__________
“Don’t you think we’ve, I dunno, moved past this?” Regulus asked as he approached the Lake for what must’ve been the hundredth time.
“There’s always more to learn and you still haven’t learned how to actually swim,” James tutted as he looked down at him, his warm hands absently running up and down Regulus’ cool arms.
“I can float and I can move, kind of, that’s more than enough,” he corrected, kicking his shoes off and tossing his robes aside.
James huffed a bit, thinning his lips slightly, perhaps even he had grown tired of the same round-about ways Regulus tried to skirt their lessons, “I mean, why not just go all the way?”
“Why not stay safe on land?” Regulus countered.
“And what if you accidentally fell into the Lake? Or some body of water in the future? This is a controlled environment and you can sort of survive but it’s a good skill to have,” James said before walking straight into the water without another second thought as they were long past the days of wading in the shallow edges of the Lake.
“I doubt that’ll ever happen,” Regulus frowned, going right in behind him, already prepared for the brief shock of the cold water before he grew accustomed to it, wiggling his toes and fingers to promote blood flow.
“And I doubt you expected to be Impreius’d into the Lake- things happen,” James shrugged before dumping his head underwater, bubbles floating to the surface in his wake.
“Low blow,” he just mumbled as he treaded water.
There was something a bit…odd in the air.
Something in James’ demeanour was off- he was a bit more curt than usual, perhaps a bit snipier, and eager to just get into the water rather than sitting by the shore for a bit, enjoying the others’ presence, before they both slowly got into the water. He was in more of a rush and it didn’t go beyond his notice.
He couldn’t quite tell what could possibly be wrong- he didn’t notice anything unusual during the day- even during dinner he seemed fine. But now he eyed the way his shoulders were up by his ears and the permanent furrow between his brows and tried to decipher the issue.
When he emerged, wet hair plastered to his face, he began swimming, his long arms swinging in a wide arc over his head before diving back under the water, his arms propelling him forward like a water wheel, his legs kicking a steady rhythm behind him. His form was perfect- or so Regulus assumed, it’s not like he knew anything anyways but he considered everything James did to be perfect so he wasn’t the best judge but it was still how he felt.
It was clear James was evading something so Regulus let him stew, instead flipping onto his back and floating, his eyes automatically finding all the stars and constellations he knew in the sky. He counted the dips and craters in the moon, the twinkling stars, and the gaps between them all.
James swam around him like a shark circling prey and Regulus continued to bite his tongue.
He knew he had a bit of a predicament of his own- he was guilty of a lot at the moment. He still glamoured his arm every morning, he kept the issues surrounding his magic a secret- a problem that had been getting increasingly worrisome in recent days, he was trying to keep a balancing act among his friends and keep certain things secret from others and vice versa- Basically,, he was in deep shite. All in all, he had to be perfect in all other aspects of his life because anything he was doing now was definitively worse than anything anyone else did.
So if James had a bit of an attitude- it was fine because at least he wasn’t mad at him. Still, his behaviour was a bit off putting.
“Is everything okay?” he finally asked aloud, making sure to time it when James broke the water to take a breath so he could actually hear him.
He stopped, breathing heavily, “Fine, why?”
“Well it’s just you said to teach me how to swim and you’ve been swimming like something’s chasing you and not talking to me for the past half hour.”
He sighed deeply beside him, “I just-” he never finished.
Finally, Regulus turned his head ever so slightly, water skirting the edge of his eyes, and saw an anguished look on James’ face and it struck him enough that he righted himself and instantly floated closer to him. He wrapped his legs around James’ and put his hands on either side of his face, “What is it?” He ducked his head and searched his eyes for the answer.
James turned away and instead of answering, took him back to shore, settling them on the grainy sand and letting the water drift around his hips and ankles and all the while Regulus served as a silent observer.
“I want to resume our Occlumency lessons,” he said suddenly and Regulus had nearly forgotten they had started those in the first place. James had brought it up months ago as a way to help even the stakes between them so they could both teach the other something but him learning to swim always took priority and secretly, Regulus knew James only did it to spend even more time together.
Still, to bring it up now didn’t make sense.
“Why?”
His face tightened, beautiful tan skin wrinkling and eyes dimming as he dropped his head between his shoulders, “It’s just- today I had a meeting with Dumbledore to talk about me becoming an Auror.”
He opened his mouth but James stopped him, “We’re not getting into that again- but when I spoke to him, at the start he asked me about you, said McGonagall told him about our swimming lessons.”
He instantly bristled, grinding his teeth at the mention of Dumbledore but stayed quiet.
“I told him that it was strictly business- he doesn’t need to know about the rest. Anyways, after that, we started talking about the war and Auror training and that but the entire rest of the time I felt off- uncomfortable and shaky and I couldn’t quite figure out what was happening. Then I remembered the time you practised Legilimency on me- I think Dumbledore was trying to read my mind or go through my memories without my notice.”
Regulus dug his fingers into the gravel, feeling small granules wedge under his nails as he listened, infuriated.
He knew Dumbledore was not above going through others’ minds without their consent but the fact that he’d do it to James after asking about the two of them was just foul- he knew Dumbledore was trying to find something about him, see if James knew anything about what he already suspected. It was like he already deemed Regulus guilty of a crime he didn’t commit.
The Auror thing was enough to anger him but with this on top- he was livid, but still, he remained even as he knew James was still charmed by the old wizard’s ways, “No one that uses their skills of Legilimency on someone without their knowledge is deserving of it. Of course I’ll help you but you know how I feel about him- I don’t trust him.”
“I know love but he’s our best option right now, especially if we want to win this war that’s only getting worse. He says he suspects some students have already turned to Voldemort but won’t say any names but I’d wager Snape and Mulciber obviously, probably Yaxley and Avery, the whole lot of them.”
Regulus just nodded seriously, internally grateful his name wasn’t brought up though he suspected anyone else besides James would lump him in with that group all things considered. He wondered if James ever considered him like them, if he’d ever considered that maybe Regulus would turn, whether by choice or force.
Little did he know that Regulus was given the ‘gift’ and ‘honour’ of being the youngest ever marked.
Regulus just readjusted so he was sitting with his legs crossed under him and so that he was directly facing James, promptly ending the line of conversation, “Okay let’s start now then. Remember- find your lighthouse.”
They’d had some slight conversations over the months in regards to Occlumency and James was doing well but his walls, while he was skilled in bringing them up and down, he never quite managed to make them strong enough. He always felt so deeply that he just wasn’t used to sequestering things away but that was a major component of Occlumency.
Regulus watched as James fell deeper into his mind- the way his face smoothed and body straightened. It was interesting to see how an Occlumens looked from an outside perspective, they looked a bit possessed he thought, but Regulus had been doing it for so long he was able to do it with his eyes and ears still relatively open and only if someone were really watching him would they be able to tell.
Slowly, Regulus began to prod at his walls and after he’d thoroughly tested them, he ever so slightly increased the pressure.
James’ hand came to rest on his knee, warm and firm, and Regulus spotted a sneaking smile forming on his face so he tried again, harder this time.
James was doing impressively well, at one point, Regulus did manage to break through but James had mastered the art of overwhelming the investigator so he threw masses of memories at him that were so much that Regulus receded and tried again only to fail.
His progress was reassuring to him, knowing that at least Dumbledore wouldn’t be able to sneak through James’ mind helped calm his nerves regarding the old man a bit though he shouldn’t have tried in the first place.
The mere fact that Dumbledore probably knows, or atleast suspects, they’re in a relationship is discomfiting enough.
“Harder,” James whispered and Regulus obliged.
They were suddenly equals, Regulus pushing forward and James pushing back with equal force and with neither of them wanting to back down, their battle of wills intensified.
Regulus was still being gentle but he didn’t lose strategy, striking at James’ wall with needle-like precision, poking at the edges before receding and striking again and what James lacked in speed he made up for in overwhelming masses of information that forced Regulus out.
They were both breathing heavily now, focused, and Regulus thought he had won when he struck hard and fast and suddenly James’ mental walls unravelled, dropping like curtains before a play and he was about to feel proud until he broke he felt his own mind fill with fog and confusion.
Images flashed rapidly before him- his mum shouting at him right before he left for school when she’d found out he had gone through Sirius’ room, him staring at his dad sitting out in the veranda not knowing it would be their last day together, Barty and Evan shouting at one another this morning.
Regulus was so shocked that he had inadvertently brought more attention to their fight, the memory becoming clearer, the words audible, and in his panic, knowing James was hovering nearby, he punched through the memory, batting it away hard enough that his head hurt, and suddenly he was in the backseat as James ran through his mind.
More images and memories assaulted him and with one final shove, he pushed James out of his mind and he fell back into the present, shaky and unsteady.
“What-” James whispered, looking at him with wild eyes.
He practically jumped away from James, body turned away as he braced his weight on his hands, the water around them was practically boiling and Regulus’ hand trembled so hard it threatened to give out under him- the tremors were coming back.
The connection- they’d become so impassioned that James had gotten bold and Regulus had gotten cocky, both of them pushing so hard at each other had only strengthened the bond and it seemed James had jumped the gun and accidentally catapulted into Regulus’ mind.
He knew what he saw, but he didn’t know how much sense James was able to really make out of it. Still, he knew James saw enough and he wasn’t dumb, he’d be able to decipher the memory between Barty and Evan from earlier, a mistake on his part, and Merlin knows what else.
“Regulus I don’t know what happened but Barty-” James started, reaching forward and Regulus pulled away.
“I think that’s enough for tonight,” he said, scrambling up and splashing water all around them. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he rushed out nonsensically.
James scoffed, “Reg I know what I saw.”
“Okay then, what was it?” he said harshly, turning to look over his shoulder.
“Your friends- death eaters-,” James stammered anxiously.
He was only half- right but Regulus had to shoot back to confuse him, “Are you serious? You think just because they had a conversation about it, one that you don’t even know the whole context of, they’re death eaters? Way to stereotype,” he huffed.
He was being incredibly defensive but it was all he could do to evade and leave. He bent down to shove his shoes on and when he peeked at his arm, he could see the black mark already beginning to come into view as the glamour wore off and it forced him to rush even more.
“Then what was it? And some of the other stuff I saw-” he started.
“What happened to looking at someone’s memories without their consent? You seemed more than happy to go through mine when you know what I’ve been through,” he gritted.
“I didn’t know what was happening! I couldn’t control it, I’m sorry but-.”
“I’ll see you in class tomorrow James,” Regulus started up the hill and away, dripping water behind him but the mark was clear now and his mind was too frazzled to say or do anything else tonight.
________
When he got down to the Common Room, he was still fuming with anger and betrayal and a bit of embarrassment about the entire debacle so when he saw Dorcas still sitting in the common room despite the late hour, he had to roll his eyes a bit.
“Don’t act so happy to see me,” she tutted, frowning up at him as she dog-eared the page of the book she was reading.
“I won’t,” he muttered, ready to move past her and up the stairs to his dorm.
“Sassy,” she huffed, “By the way, Marlene and I were wondering if you and James wanted to have a bit of a double date on our next Hogsmeade trip, it could be fun,” she smiled at him, the golden beads in her braids twinkling in the lowlights of the room, her teeth shining a bright white.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I know McKinnon and James are friends but it wouldn’t make sense for us to go together- people would suspect something,” he explained though he figured it was incredibly obvious.
“No one would care, I mean honestly Reg I know you’re self-important but-,” she began with a wave of a hand.
“Self-important? Really? And what if the wrong person saw us?” He was incredibly grateful the common room was empty at the late hour as his mouth started to run, “One time we were in Hogsmeade and my mum was there, if she saw us, she’d probably flay me there. Or even Mulciber or Avery and them- they wouldn’t hesitate to rat on me if they didn’t already start something there. Don’t call me self-important just because people actually pay more attention to me than you.”
His stomach dropped as he said the last part - he didn’t even know where the words had come from but he couldn’t take them back if he tried. He watched her face drop in anguish, her eyes start to shine and her lips thin. She squared her jaw but the crinkle in her brows betrayed her hurt.
What the hell was wrong with him today?
“Cas…” he whispered but it wasn’t enough.
“Really Reg?” she shook her head, taking a step back and away from him.
He shook with fury- he was mad at himself, he was mad at how everything just seemed to compound upon one another, it was just an endless onslaught of attacks from all angles that he wanted to give up and run away. He just kept fucking everything up, even when he didn’t mean to.
“I didn’t mean that-.”
“Look, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately…but I don’t like it, whatever it is,” she finished, turning away.
He had to make this right or atleast come to some sort of resolution tonight- he reached out to grasp her wrist, stopping her.
She turned over her shoulder and shook him off roughly, so harshly that his hand hung in the still air for a long moment. She glanced down for the briefest moment but it was enough.
His sleeve had shifted and the glamour had faded- the dark Mark was undeniably there, stamped into his arm, and as ugly and scarred as it had been the day he got it.
Her face morphed from hurt into horror as she stared at it. He tried to pull his arm away but the damage was done and she snatched his wrist back, pulling it up and towards her, her fingers a painful vice around his aching wrist.
“What the fuck is this,” she hissed, looking up into his eyes.
He opened and closed his mouth, she knew what it was, she just wanted him to confirm it but he pretended the question was rhetorical as he didn’t answer, instead trying to pull his wrist away from her but again, she didn’t let go.
“Cas, you’re hurting me,” he gritted out.
“ I’m hurting you ? You lied to me !” she shouted in the din of the room, releasing his arm with a shove, making him stumble back a step.
He was taller than her but he’d never felt so small as he cowered in the centre of the cavernous room, Dorcas staring down her nose at him in betrayal and disgust after just having come from a fight with James. It was all falling apart and he could do nothing but stand and watch.
“I didn’t lie, I just-.”
“Oh because lying by omission doesn’t count? When the fuck did you get that? Do you even know what that means!” she shouted again at him but her voice shook and cracked.
“It happened over break, I didn’t want it, I was forced!” he shot back. “Of course I know what it means but I don’t agree with it.”
“Oh you were forced. That makes it alright then, it’s the same as having to take an exam or doing coursework- you were forced,” she guffawed, “Don’t try and justify it to me- according to that, I’m not worth your time seeing as I’m not a pureblood. Tell me, what does your kind think about me being a half-blood and all?”
“I- I don’t-,” he stuttered stupidly.
She just looked disappointed, “You sat here with us while you went around hiding that on your arm. Now I know why Pandora can barely stand to look at you, while Barty and Evan fight nonstop- you’ve ruined everything.”
He couldn’t stand it anymore, he felt too large for the room, taking up too much space, he’s a bull in a china shop destroying everything around him.
“Does James know?”
After a harrowing moment, he shook his head honestly.
She nodded before taking another step away from him, “I need time.”
She left without turning back, taking a bit of his heart with her, however broken and bruised it may be.
___________
He threw himself into his research from then on.
He didn’t have to speak or put on a show then, just read through a stack of books that grew higher with each passing day, and write down anything that seemed useful in the quiet of his dorm.
The mark was clearly affecting his magic again, he was losing his tact, his magic became more powerful and erratic whenever he cast- very reminiscent of Bellatrix and he couldn’t help but notice the grey streak in his hair getting slightly thicker.
He ended up learning a lot about magical lifespans and wondered how long he’d have to live under Voldemort’s reign. The Dark Lord spoke as though he were immortal and while impossible, he couldn’t help the gnawing feeling that he knew something they didn’t. The snide comments and smirking looks were all too harrowing.
Once the Dark Lord died, it wouldn't matter whether or not he had the mark because at that point it would just be a relic of another time but then again, he went on and on about Regulus’ kids and their kids and so on following him like he was untouchable.
He was barely surviving a year under his reign, a lifetime would be torture.
He thought about it as he scrubbed cauldrons in the Potions room as Slughorn graded papers behind his desk, humming along to a song on the wireless. He didn’t quite imagine cleaning fell under the umbrella of Potions apprentice but he appreciated the mind numbing reprieve from the world.
He eyed his professor and wondered how old he might be with his drooping skin and greying hair though that could just be poor genetics rather than old age. He’s been at Hogwarts for an incredibly long time, it’s entirely likely he even taught Voldemort at one point and Regulus would ask but he didn’t even know what his real name was.
The man was as much a mystery to him as everything else.
He continued scrubbing methodically until the Wireless caught his attention when a male voice rang out through the room, “We interrupt your broadcast to announce there has been an attack in Diagon Alley. Two wizards have been reported dead in a fire and we do not yet have all the details though it is believed to be associated with a group known as the ‘Death Eaters.’ I repeat, there has been an attack in Diagon Alley, any and all witches and wizards must clear the area. We will follow up with more details once Aurors and medics have helped those affected.”
He spared a glance to Slughorn who was staring gravely into the machine as though he could see into the scene of the crime.
“It’s a terrible shame,” he murmured hoarsely.
“Indeed,” Regulus replied, wondering who exactly was there- Bellatrix no doubt, she’d enjoy a chaotic event such as a fire, perhaps a group of low-level death eaters, maybe even some magical creatures like werewolves or goblins.
He realised belatedly that he could use this moment as his segue, “Professor?”
“Hm?” he looked up with a glazed look in his eye still.
“Voldemort…do you have any idea who he is?” his voice thinned out as he started to hesitate, wondering if he was going down a slippery slope, “I mean, you must’ve taught him?”
Slughorn, a usually cheerful and jovial man, looked incredibly grave as he raised a single finger, “I’ve been a professor for years but never have I encountered such evil. I haven’t the faintest clue who he is but I do hope the day comes that his true name comes to light so we may see him for the coward he is.”
Neither of them spoke for the rest of the evening.
___________
He couldn’t do it anymore.
It was all becoming too much for him.
The lying, the betrayal, the excuses- he was only hurting himself and everyone around him.
He had come back to school with the intention of leaving James but he gave in to his heart, clinging to the flimsy hope of glamouring through the years but it just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t foolproof and to those that did know about it, like Dorcas, only thought him an even bigger coward than he already was.
He had managed to rebuild the rift between him, Pandora, and Dorcas once more and gave a stern talking to Barty and Evan, forcing them to drop the subject of the dark Lord immediately and that it was a bridge to cross when they get to it, not something to bicker about now so prematurely.
And while he had managed that, it was only getting worse with James who he couldn’t even handle being around without having guilt gnaw at his innards and make him nearly sick with the feeling. He’d stop going to the greenhouses to see Remus because he only felt horribly guilty and Sirius was a non-option because looking at him was just a reminder at everything he’d failed at.
It’s why he asked James to meet in the Room of Requirement that evening.
He was going to break up with him, once and for all, no matter how painful, how consuming, how utterly heart-breaking it was.
He was on borrowed time from that start, he knew that but knowing that didn’t help lessen the ache racking through his body.
Perhaps one day, years from now, they’d get to see eachother again, under different circumstances, in a different place. They’d be far away from the world they know now somewhere where they were the only two people in the world that mattered
He’d cling onto that dream until it became a reality and until then, he’d just have to live in all the memories he’d created with James- a bystander to the life he’d once lived.