something worth preserving
“Absolutely not,” Regulus replied, crossing his arms and levelling his friends with his most serious expression, trying to convey how absolutely against the idea he was.
“Come on, it didn’t even hurt!” Barty exclaimed, leaning over the bed and shoving his ear into his face.
It was red and inflamed and looked very much like it hurt.
He shoved him back into his spot by Evan who yelped in pain when Barty’s arm knocked him on the side of the head. His limbs were far too long for his own good.
“You have to admit, I look at least 30% hotter now,” Dorcas said over her shoulder from where she was eyeing herself in the mirror, the golden stud in her nose catching the light.
“You think Marl-” Barty began but was cut off when Dorcas turned back to him with a look comparable only to McGonagall.
He doesn’t even know how all of this began.
During dinner, Barty had received a letter from his dad and while that never went well, today was worse than it had been in a long time.
Barty excelled in practical subjects but fell behind in the more studious subjects like History of Magic where it was all reading and rote memorization. He had just failed the last exam and in cases like that, Binns loved notifying parents but the well-meaning professor didn’t seem to realise that not everyone had understanding parents who were ready to help their children succeed.
And while Barty was good at covering up his emotions and persevering, Regulus could see his eyes begin to fill with tears and hands tremble as he read the letter, his eyes scanning the words impossibly fast.
When he finished, he promptly set the letter on fire at the table and left, leaving his untouched plate and the rest of them sat there.
Evan went to the Slytherin dorms to find him but he wasn’t there but Pandora went up to the Ravenclaw tower and found him, sat just outside the door, crouched with his head in between his knees, crying.
Regulus' heart squeezed because he knew Barty had only done so because he knew Regulus wouldn’t, couldn’t, follow him into the Slytherins dorms.
“The stupid riddle, I can’t-” he cut himself off, trying to steady his breaths.
After they had managed to calm Barty down and assure him just how valued he was, he turned to Pandora with wide eyes and suggested just how good of a time this would be for him to pierce his nose, and then rope in everyone else to get ‘emotional support’ piercings. He had a slight tendency towards self-destruction when dealing with strong emotions but then again, who didn't?
Regulus had pierced his earlobes once. It was an unfortunate little situation really. It was the summer after third year when he walked into Sirius’ room to call him down for dinner.
His hair was long enough to tie back and he usually kept it that way so Walburga wouldn’t be reminded just how unkempt it was and aim to cut it off but this time he tied his hair in such a way that the hair was brushed entirely over his ears, making him look like an earless muppet.
Upon closer inspection, he realised that Sirius had pierced his ears while at school, probably in very unsanitary conditions but the piercing looked well healed so it must have been there for some time and he questioned how he hadn’t noticed it during the school year.
He still doesn’t know what came over him that night when he sat in his room and pierced his ears himself but it was horrifically painful and ended with him teary-eyed and angry while surrounded by bandages that he charmed to be invisible to others. He just thought that Sirius might think he was cool as well, could be as interesting as he was instead of just being the family pet.
Now, he was by no means in a rush to pierce his ear, even with everyone looking at him hopefully with their own matching jewellery.
“I can’t, you know what happened last time,” he gestured to the scars that remained.
“Why don’t you do your cartilage like me then? A fresh start,” Evan smiled, pushing his golden hair behind his ear and showing off the small golden snake stud he had put in.
He turned back to his Potions homework and tuned them out.
_____
Turns out Barty can be very loud when he doesn’t get what he wants and no amount of tuning out or silencing spells could deter him and so that’s how he ended up cradling his ear gently while it pulsed from the aftereffects of Pandora’s quick hand.
“I’m never coming to comfort you again,” he grumbled to a very pleased Barty.
“Oh don’t say that love,” he replied, coming over and slapping a wet kiss to his cheek that he hastily wiped off.
Once he checked and rechecked that his ear wasn’t pouring blood everywhere, he claimed he was off to the Library but continued walking until he was all the way outside and the Lake was in sight. DId his friends even realise that the Library was already closed by now? He thought he'd have to try harder to deceive them but apparently not.
No matter how many times he’d walked this familiar path, he would never get used to the cloak of cold air that blanketed him, threatening to freeze the blood in his veins and crack his bones.
James was in the same place as always but he was already sitting this time, looking across the vast expanse of Lake, away from the school and Regulus was only able to see his profile.
He wore an uncharacteristically serious expression, his brows furrowed and lips downturned. His shoulders were slumped over his large frame as his arms were draped over his knees and he looked smaller than Regulus had ever seen him.
He almost turned back around, assuming something had changed and he’d be able to get out of tonight's lesson but James turned then, as if sensing Regulus’ eyes, and he immediately straightened, all traces of previous melancholy wiped away in an instant and he looked like an entirely different person.
Regulus wondered how he could do that. Occlumency maybe? He should ask James for some tips.
James waved, as if seeing Regulus here was entirely by chance and he didn’t return it as he just continued his walk up to him.
“You’re quite close to the Lake today,” he said in a way of greeting because it was true.
James was sitting in the same spot he had moved to yesterday, his feet just touching the dark water that eagerly lapped up onto the sandy shore.
“Am I?” he asked, looking around as if not having noticed but he knew James was smarter than that and that this was calculated.
He just rolled his eyes and sat down, feet tucked under him. The water and him teasing eachother as they were just close enough to touch but not quite, both of them holding back the few centimetres that separated them.
His clothed knee just brushed James’ now outstretched leg and he didn’t seem to notice as he lounged back, looking for all the world like he wasn’t sitting by the Black Lake on a cold winter’s night but on a beach somewhere in the Bahamas, drinking one of those muggle drinks with a little pink umbrella in it.
“So what were you thinking about?” he asked curiously.
There was a weird sort of honesty between them he thought.
James was very straight forward, speaking honestly and showing his heart very openly and while Regulus was normally quite guarded, there was something about being out here with James that made him feel like he’d answer anything he asked.
While he told James the truth about why they were in this predicament, he wouldn’t jump to tell him what his favourite colour was or meal was but he would try to offer some degree of honesty out of pure civility.
James just grinned, “I was just thinking about how I can get you in the water.”
Regulus didn’t quite believe that, he could see the subtle ways in which James’ expression didn’t seem quite so genuine but he could tell how hard he was trying to maintain whatever facade it was and so he just dropped it, accepting the lie.
“You’ll have to think harder about that then,” he responded easily, and quite truthfully.
James huffed, “Did I ever tell you how I learned to swim?”
Regulus shook his head.
“My dad grabbed me by the knees, put me over his shoulder, and just threw me in and waited to see what would happen. Evidently, I survived,” he grinned, gesturing to himself.
Regulus gaped, like jaw on the ground gaped. That sounded horrifying but James just smiled about it like it was nothing.
“Obviously back then I wasn’t so happy about it. I was terrified really, thought I was going to die but I heard my dad shouting above me, telling me to just follow the light and so I did. Swallowed about a litre of water on the way but I did it and ever since, I’ve been swimming.”
At his expression, James quickly followed up, “Obviously I won’t do that with you but I’m just saying, sometimes the hardest thing is just getting in.”
“Has McGonagall asked you about the lessons again?” Regulus asked, wondering if the daggers McGonagall sends his way every class period and mealtime they have are reserved only for him.
“Not in words but I can tell she wants to, she’s always giving me looks.”
Of course.
“Wouldn’t want to let her down you know,” James said and he punctuated his words with a small bump of shoulders and when Regulus turned to look at him, he wasn’t looking back, acting like this was normal.
“Have you told them about these lessons,” Regulus rushed out tightly, needing to know.
“Who?”
Stupid.
“Them , your friends.”
He said ‘friends’ but really, he meant Sirius. It was always about Sirius.
“No I haven’t. I didn’t think you’d want me to.”
He hadn’t expected that from James quite honestly and this was another one of those things that just blindsighted him about the boy, making him feel like he really didn’t know anything about him.
“Where do they think you are every night then?”
“Well I tell them that part, I just say I’m going out for a swim. It’s kind of hard to cover when you show up in the dorms in the middle of the night sopping wet,” he laughed a little at the end.
Wait, “You still swim? Like even after I’ve left?” He didn’t know why it shocked him but he just figured James trudged down here and ran away as quickly as he could once Regulus left. He also remembered McGonagall mentioning that he swam in the mornings but ever since they started these lessons, it had been in the evenings.
“Course,” he smiled, hazel eyes bright in the white moonlight, “Didn’t want to completely lose this time, especially with Quidditch practice, it’s a lot to keep up with.”
"I thought you swam in the mornings?" Regulus added, a touch suspiciously.
James raised his eyebrows a touch as though the reason for the change was obvious, "I know most people aren't morning people, I just didn't want you to doubly suffer so I moved some things around."
Regulus might have responded but he wasn’t sure as James suddenly stood up then. He did a quick shake of his limbs, as if reminding his blood to pump through the entirety of his frame, and then leant down to grab his wand from his spot beside him and cast a warming charm on himself. Then, throwing it back down carelessly, he took a couple steps into the water, leaving behind footsteps in the gritty sand and running his hands through his hair.
Regulus could see James’ lean frame through his thin outfit and felt a surge of envy when he thought about how ridiculous he would look in the same clothes, all elbows and knees and as pale as the moon while James was toned and fit, the picture of vitality.
The sound of rippling water filled the area and he just watched as James continued going until his knees disappeared under the water.
“See, it’s not so bad is it?” James asked as if Regulus was there with him but he hadn’t moved a bit.
His smile was so bright, his eyes glimmering in the night and Regulus didn’t understand how everything was just so easy for the boy.
He didn’t know when his previous hatred for the boy began to slip away but as he watched him, he realised he felt some confusing medley of bittersweet ambivalence.
He was a good person, objectively, he didn’t think it was possible for anyone to disagree with him on that point. He had easily accepted to take on the mantle of being Regulus’ swimming teacher and never once mocked him or laughed at him and he didn’t know if he could say he would have done the same had their situations been reversed.
And now here he was, on a freezing night in October where nothing would be better than curling up by the fire in his nauseously red and gold common room, standing knee-deep in freezing cold water and gently trying to coax Regulus to join him in an effort to save his life.
“Regulus?” he asked, peering down at him.
He paused, “Why do you call me by my name?”
It’s a rather stupid comment to make amidst the whirling vortex in his mind but it was jarring in a school where everyone is their last name.
“Well there’s two Blacks aren’t there? Calling you ‘Black’ doesn’t sound quite right,” he reasoned easily.
His fingers played on the clear surface of the water, swishing through the water idly and his eyes were drawn to the movement.
Regulus chewed the inside of his cheek because he could feel it. He felt the urge to touch the water, to be able to feel the same ease under water as he did in the air on a broom. If James could do it, why couldn’t he?
Despite the thoughts, he remained rooted to the spot, frozen.
James turned away, looking at the forest for a long moment before turning back to Regulus, a more downcast expression plastered onto his face.
“You know, when I told McGonagall I’d do this, I didn’t think it’d be so difficult,” he complained, his tone despairing, and it took Regulus back a bit.
“I mean when I taught Sirius, he just jumped right in-,”
Regulus swiftly cut him off, standing up and pointing at him, “I don’t care what the fuck Sirius did.”
As he watched his hand tremor, he dropped it, curling it into a fist at his side instead. His brother’s name always managed to tick some part of his brain, forcing him into action, especially when the wound his brother left behind was still raw, sore to the touch. Being compared to him only made it worse, made it hurt more.
“Really? Because it’s pretty clear you’ve been obsessed with him for years until-.”
“Not another word,” Regulus bit.
“What are you going to do about it huh?” James fought back, raising both arms and practically begging Regulus to punch him in the throat.
He didn’t know what came over James, what possessed him to be so cruel and low but Regulus was mad. Mad at him for shattering the illusion of safety here that they had so carefully curated.
“Why don’t-” he began but James cut him off again.
“Sorry I can’t quite hear you from all the way over there,” he called out as if suddenly very far away, cupping his hand over his ear from dramatic effect and everything.
Regulus, suddenly burning with anger at his audacity, kicked his shoes off angrily and stepped right in the water, the cold shock ripping through him and numbing his feet but it did nothing to slow his marching all the way up to James.
He was only a few inches shorter than James and he lifted his chin up just slightly to make eye contact.
He felt the bottoms of his trousers become cold and clingy from the water but he ignored the feeling, instead relishing in the shock on James’ face so close to his own.
Then, Regulus raised his trembling fist, deciding whether to punch him in his eye or on his cheekbone but once he had made the decision and went for the blow, James wrapped a cool hand around his wrist that was just centimetres away from his eye, halting his movements. Maybe he wanted Regulus to go for the cheek instead then?
“Reg,” his shock of expression morphed into a surprised grin and suddenly Regulus’ thoughts flooded back into him, realisation shocking him.
This was the push that he needed to actually get him in the water and from James’ face of victory, he could see now that everything James was saying was just to rile him up, to force him into action when he couldn’t get himself to do it.
He had to admit the words stung regardless of whether or not James believed them because he still saw the truth that lingered between the words but the shock of the situation was too much for him.
The soft sand under him felt too malleable, too pliant, and instantaneously, it felt like quicksand, his feet sinking under it.
His breathing quickened as he aimed to run out of the water, back to solid ground where all was safe and steady but James didn’t relinquish his strong hold on Regulus’ grip. He held firm, not hurting him, but enough to keep him there.
They stayed like that for just a moment longer, Regulus’ heavy breathing against James’ steady breaths, slate grey eyes meeting bright hazel, hearts thrumming wildly. Regulus wondered if James could feel his fluttering heart rate from his wrist and while he thought that his reaction was just because of the water, he couldn’t help but realise how easy it was to forget he was even in the Lake with James so close to him.
“Just breathe with me,” James whispered, inhaling deeply before exhaling, his warm breath brushing against Regulus’ face, the scent of spearmint encircling his senses with the action.
With the tremors wracking his hand, Regulus could feel the callouses on James’ palm brush against the soft skin of his own. His hand was large, enveloping his wrist completely, and he held Regulus with such gentleness that it almost caused Regulus to pull away because he wasn’t used to the feeling, the feeling of being held like he was something worth preserving.
“You did it,” he whispered with a grin, “I didn’t mean any of it, I promise, I just needed to get you in.”
Regulus couldn’t respond, anything he might have said seemed inadequate, but it didn’t seem like James was waiting for anything either.
He didn’t know how long they’d been outside by now, or what time it was, all he knew was that the moon hung low and bright in the sky right above them and that the world had gone silent. It was just the two of them, the moon, and the ripples of the Lake to accompany them.
Suddenly, there was the sound of a branch breaking coming from the direction of the forest that caused Regulus to pull his hand back from James with more force that was probably necessary and turn back to the shore, walking back with such vigor that the sand under his feet was kicking up behind him and slowing his movements to an awkward pace.
“Reg,” James called out.
“Don’t call me that,” he shot back, not even turning to look behind him.
He grabbed his shoes, not bothering to put them back on, and went back into the castle, following his well used route.
He had done it, of course he had and while James’ words practically forced him to follow after him, he felt dumb for even having done it.
He said he wasn’t going to do it, and then he did, which was fine whatever, but it was horrifically embarrassing, the way he stood there, panicking like he was in a life or death situation.
He pushed the rest of it to the back of his mind, boxing it up and away. The look of pleasure in James’ eyes, the small smile that formed on his mouth causing a dimple to peek through, the tenderness of his hands. It was all unfamiliar and jarring and he knew it was just from the stress of the situation, it meant nothing.
He was so lost in thought that he didn’t even realise what path he was taking until he ended up in the Hall of Moving Staircases, waiting for one to take mercy on him and turn to his platform so that he could go back to the safe haven that was Pandora’s room.
His trousers dripped water under him and he cast a quick drying charm on them and shoved his feet into his shoes, not wanting to have to explain that part to anyone that might be awake and also sneaking past Prefects at this hour.
Once had made it to the Ravenclaw dorms, he quickly changed into his pyjamas and he was about to climb straight into bed when he saw Pandora’s feet sticking out of the side of the curtains and saw that at some point in the night, she had taken to sleeping horizontally instead of vertically.
He found his eyes drawn to the window and blamed his following actions as hypothermia, specifically freezing of the brain, specifically the decision-making reason for it. He pushed aside the gauzy blue curtains and tapped on the window with his wand to magnify the image.
James was still there, standing knee-deep in the water and facing the castle with an almost forlorn expression on his face. Then he turned and dived under the water, his lean figure disappearing under the inky surface with barely even a splash.
He turned away then, unperturbed this time. He knew James would come back up.
Following suit, he also laid in bed horizontally, the bottom half of his legs hanging out the bed awkwardly. Sleep immediately overtook him, washing away the events of this evening in one fell swoop.
______
He sat through a painstakingly awkward breakfast the next morning.
Flitwick had stood up on the raised podium, Dumbledore absent as per usual, and announced the Halloween Ball that would be taking place at the end of the month.
Once the excited cheers had died down, silence rang out in the hall, girls and boys eyeing each other with hope and suspicion. Exes looking at each other with looks of longing and new couples gazing at each other with hearts in their eyes. The rest of the hopelessly single school body whispering to each other about what to do now.
On top of that, James was staring at him, probably trying to figure out what the hell happened to him last night and so Regulus was forced to stare down at the table or refocus on Barty who was sat angrily across from him.
He and Evan had gotten into some sort of row in the dorms last night and neither of them would say what was wrong, just avoiding each other's gazes and not initiating any conversation.
Barty and Evan fought worse than an old married couple and it was usually best to leave it be, both of them usually forgetting what they were fighting about the following evening and coming back together with a well-timed joke and one-armed hug.
Dorcas was no help as her eyes flitted around the room though her starting and jumping point was always Marlene at the Gryffindor table.
And last but certainly not least, was McGonagall who was eyeing him from the Head Table, likely wanting to ask for a status update but biting her tongue for whatever reason. She didn’t necessarily have a reason to withhold but he thinks he might have preferred her to just be up front over whatever game she was playing now.
Potions were no better the following hour.
While Felix Felicis was still sitting idly in his trunk, waiting to be used, he knew that the Dreamless Sleep potion he was now brewing would be much more useful so he took extra care in brewing this potion to ensure it could actually work should he ever need it.
Sirius was especially rowdy today, sitting on the countertops and knocking things aside, jumping on Remus’ back until he smacked him upside the head, and ruffling Peter’s hair until it almost fell off.
It was when he began throwing things that Regulus felt his temper begin to rise. Well, he considered it throwing but Sirius said it was juggling but he didn’t think it counted if every time you try, the oranges slip out of your hands and on the tables of everyone around you.
He remembered picking said oranges from the greenhouse to give to Slughorn for potions use and was sad to see they would be wasted on Sirius’ antics.
He just grit his teeth and internally cursed at him while grinding some gillyweed until Sirius forced Regulus into the fray.
He did so by chucking one of the oranges right at his head.
The room went from casual chatter and laughter to complete silence as the orange connected with Regulus' skull. He faltered from the shock of the action, tripping over the backs of his feet and almost falling until he caught the edge of the table with his hand.
The pain that radiated from the side of his head was nothing compared to the blinding pain that shot from his ear and he felt warm liquid drip thickly down the side of his face.
“Mr. Black!” Slughorn shouted, hastily putting down today’s copy of the Prophet and bustling over to where he was crouched over, clutching his ear.
That orange was definitely not ripe. And fuck Barty for making him get his ear pierced he added halfheartedly.
He began to clumsily shove his things into his bag with one hand, vision swimming lightly, until a pair of hands came into view and began to gather his things for him.
He knew whose hands those were without even having to look up. They were the same hands that delicately graced his skin just a few hours ago.
“I can do it,” Regulus seethed, gritting his teeth, about to use his other hand but finding his palm to be blood-filled.
James shushed him, just slinging his bag over his other shoulder and following behind Regulus who had stormed out, pushing the door open with more force than was probably necessary.
“This is a classroom not a pl-” he heard Slughorn’s voice, much stronger than usual bellowing behind him.
Slughorn wasn’t scary by any means, certainly not as intimidating as McGonagall or confusing as Dumbledore but when he was angry, he was certainly a force to be reckoned with. Especially because he played favourites and didn’t dole out punishments equally.
He hustled into the Infirmary, ignoring James’ overwhelming presence trailing just a step behind him. James’ steps were in equal time with his own and he sped up just slightly to unsynchronise them.
It was really quite stupid and faster than he would have liked but he was petty and remained true to that, no matter how much it inconvenienced him.
He pushed through the doors that had a small sign that said ‘Back in 5 minutes!’ and dropped down onto a bed. James kicked the door open a second later, both of his hands occupied and just stopped awkwardly in front of him.
“Feel free to leave now,” he grumbled, snatching his bag from James’ outstretched hand.
It was entirely unnecessary for James to help and if anything, it was more of an inconvenience.
Thoughts of what everyone else might be thinking whirled in his head and he wished he had just passed out to ease the roaring in his head.
James remained standing, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. Regulus wished he either spit it out or just stopped.
“Can you just sit down, you’re stressing me out,” Regulus bit.
He just didn’t want James to be in his line of sight, it always made his thinking go a bit fuzzy for reasons he’d rather not poke at.
Madam Pomfrey entered and interrupted the torrential river forming in his mind, her bright smile drying it up completely.
“Mr. Black, you’re back,” she greeted but the lilt at the end of her voice showed her concern as she registered the sight of him.
“He-” James spoke and Regulus shot him a look that caused him to stop talking.
His ear was broken, not his mouth.
“I got hit by an orange.”
It sounded so dumb he almost wished James had said it instead of him.
“An orange?” she asked, stepping closer and gently removing his hand.
“Mhm. Round, citrus, orange,” he drawled sarcastically.
James made an odd choking sound next to him and out of his peripheral vision, he saw James raise a hand to stifle a small smile that had formed.
Suddenly, a sulky Sirius walked in and stood across from Regulus and James next to Madam Pomfrey, eyeing both of them. He crossed his arms across his chest and frowned as if studying a particularly confusing arithmancy problem.
“What’s the prognosis?” he drawled.
“I think he’ll live,” James responded easily.
“Wonderful,” Sirius said, his tone making it sound distinctly un-wonderful, and dropped into a chair. Madam Pomfrey hit his arm with the back of her hand, not enough to hurt but enough to cause him to jump up and rub the spot.
She refocused on Regulus then, “Oh dear, is this piercing new?”
“Unfortunately.”
“You got your ear pierced?” James and Sirius asked in tandem.
He didn’t respond but caught the odd look on Sirius’ face.
As Madam Pomfrey worked, James asked Sirius why he was here.
“Sluggy said I had to apologise.”
He didn’t continue and Regulus fought the urge to roll his eyes at not only the lack of apology but the horrendous nickname as well.
“Why are you here anyways?” he asked, suddenly suspicious, and Regulus kept his eyes averted.
He didn’t know why it felt like an accusation. It was entirely James’ choice to come, a stupid one but one nonetheless and Sirius intruding on their unfortunate and unlikely relationship was making an odd feeling curl in his stomach.
“House points obviously, Sluggy gave us fifteen to make up for the fifteen you lost us yesterday,” James replied easily, cracking his fingers. He wasn’t sure whether that was the truth or not. He didn’t remember hearing Slughorn saying that but maybe he missed it…
Suddenly there was a shifting and popping sound and the mediwitch stepped back to admire her work.
“Saved your ear and the piercing, I’ll just wrap it up and have you on your way. And you Mr. Black better apologise or I’ll take away the fifteen again.”
Sirius studied him for a moment longer before mumbling, “Sorry.”
Madam Pomfrey wrapped his ear tightly before ushering them all out, “Back to class.” The sound of the doors shutting punctuating her sentence.
The three of them stood in silence, Sirius and James two points on the triangle formation that had taken, Regulus opposite and between them- the apex.
Regulus turned on his heel, planning to spend the rest of the period in the Great Hall.
“Oh dear, his sense of direction is all messed up, class is this way Reggie,” Sirius called out after him, his tone amused and mocking. He received a wonderful but crude hand gesture in response.
Once he hit the corner, he turned and caught sight of the corridor just out of his peripheral vision and saw James still standing there, facing him. Sirius was already turned away, sauntering down the hall with his unbound hair swishing behind him.
He continued walking, forcing his thrumming heart to calm, wondering if he'd ever get used to the absolute whirlwind that was James.