4 Morant 💚🖤🕊️
The beach had large rocks and boulders randomly around. There was one in particular that sat just a few feet into the water from the shore. You had to swim to get to it. By now the sun was setting, things started to feel unreal again. The waves crashed onto the rock Dream was sitting in from the shore. He wasn’t alone, but it felt like he was. A small wind blew Dream’s skin dry, his hair only slightly moist now. He had been sitting there for so long he lost track of time. The sound of waves and voices having fun behind him were drowned out by his own thoughts.
In his mind he wasn’t sitting on the rock away from his friends, he was anywhere else. He imagined he was in his favorite video game, enjoying himself with George alone, no one else to bother them. It felt real, so real that he couldn’t even bring himself down. He was in control of everything, he could tell it wasn’t real but only slightly. It was like a lucid dream but it felt more real, more real than anything he’s ever felt before.
George was running slightly ahead of Dream, smiling and pulling the blonde along with him. They were running down the prime path, Bad and Skeppy’s house floating ever closer as they ran. George was taking him home. Not home in a lore sense, but home, to Kinoko Kingdom.
Everything looked real, not like a bunch of blocks. The longer he looked and appreciated the moment, the more he felt himself be dragged from reality, slowly forgetting it all together.
George’s mouth moved but he was too quiet for Dream to understand. George looked so happy, not how Dream knew him to be. He was carefree and the smile on his face only showed love, that same love Dream craved to get from the real George. But maybe this was the real George, it could be if Dream got lost enough.
It didn’t take forever for the two to see those giant mushroom houses they knew so well appear in the distance. George’s hand gripped onto Dream’s like their lives depended on it. Dream didn’t mind, he wished George was always like this.
The sun was setting here too, it was a beautiful gradient from yellow and orange to the slowly overtaking purple and dark blues. George didn’t bother to slow down and look as he beckoned Dream to continue following. They made it to the ladder that led to the top of a mushroom house. George was quick to push Dream up the ladder, he could hear him now. He was lost in this world, George’s voice and his smile, his eyes, his everything. It grabbed Dream and dragged him in.
The sunset from the top of the mushroom house was absolutely perfect. It felt so real. The blonde reached out towards the sun, a string was seemingly attached to his hand. George sat next to him with a hand on Dream’s thigh. The touch was soft and comforting, Dream never wanted to leave. George reached his hand out as well but it wasn’t towards the sun like Dream’s. The brunette’s hand was reaching for the string, gripping harder than he ever had so far. His smile was bright, Dream didn’t bother to tell him to stop.
“Dream! Dream are you there?”
The string pulled itself away from George, suddenly dragging Dream away. The grip was strong, the world seemed to crumble around him and shatter into little pieces like broken glass.
“Dream!”
“Is he ok?”
“He’ll be fine, he just gets lost in thought a lot.”
Dream shook himself awake, seeing the beach and the rock and the night sky. He must’ve been out for a while. His breathes were heavy and quick. Sapnap’s arms were on both of his shoulders, trying to bring him down. His open eyes showed his presence, you could noticeably see Sapnap calm himself down. He lived with Dream, he knew he got like this, no one else with them knew that. Everyone crowded around on the rock seemed terrified but glad his eyes were open and he was breathing. He got close to leaving forever there, he knew the warning about the string, he knew it wasn’t safe to let go of the tethered string or to let it snap. But he let George touch it anyways, he would let George do anything he wanted, even if it was to grab and break his string. He would lose all consciousness and life if it meant he could be with that George for the rest of time.
“I’m… ok…” Dream breathed out.
“Thank god,” Puffy breathed out, “thanks for scaring the shit out of us!” She looked about ready to smack the hell out of Dream.
“Sorry.” Dream was still floating back down to consciousness. He looked down at his hands, they looked like shitty 1996 video game graphics. A wave crashed up and hit a few people on the back.
“How about you don’t do whatever that was again.” Punz laughed.
Dream began looking around to gauge his surroundings. Only Puffy, Punz and Sapnap were in his view. Quackity, Karl, and George were no where to be seen.
Sapnap frowned, “they left Dream, they’re meeting us back home.”
“Oh.” Dream pushed his back against the rock. George wasn’t one to stay at the beach very long whenever they went together. Still, part of him hoped George would’ve stayed with him, by his side, maybe this wouldn’t have happened if he had.
“We’ll meet you at the car.” Puffy waved as Punz and her made their way back into the ocean to swim to shore.
Dream slowly pulled his knees to his chest as Sapnap sighed and sat next to him. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, just enjoying the fact everything was ok. Sapnap took a deep breath before resting his head on Dream’s shoulder, “you really gotta stop doing that. I know you’re just coping with things but we’re all worried about you. I feel like… we should look into therapy.”
“What? I don’t need it, you know that Sapnap. I swore I’d never go back.” Dream was surprised Sap had even suggested that.
Dream went to therapy when he was younger but he hated it. It never helped him and the lady only made him feel bad about his issues. She gave him assignments of sorts to get help him get over anxiety, depression, and internal blame for issues he had nothing to do with but all it did was make things worse and make the whole thing feel like a second school.
One time while watching conspiracy videos online, Dream found something called astral projection. The name was far too sciency for him so he just called it daydreaming, but it was so much more than that. He dedicated so much of his time into learning how to astral project, he read the warnings and the scuffed sketchy blogs that said it was unsafe and to avoid it. But none of that stopped him, he wanted a world of his own imagination that felt more real the reality did. He wanted a world in which everything went his way and he was a king. Most of all, he wanted George, and this could give that to him.
It started before George had even moved to Florida, every thing was fine back then. Dream thought of himself as selfish all the time, this was no different. Things started because he just couldn’t take the fact George wasn’t here with him yet, that’s what his reasoning was anyways. There’s always underlying reasons for why humans do things however, even if he didn’t realize it.
Things were mostly the same every time, he would take himself into another world using music or calming sounds, even silence worked sometimes, he would close his eyes and eventually he would be anywhere else. Most of the time it was the DreamSMP world he had with his friends, sometimes it would be places he only vaguely remembered from dreams he had. One time it was just space, he simply saw his body fade away from him and he was surrounded by space. The string that connected him to his body was thin but it always did the job. It was like a like of consciousness, if the line was in tact he knew he could bring himself back.
In all honesty, he had never gotten close to letting that string snap until today. Things lately had just been getting worse and worse. Letting go completely, ending it all, the idea didn’t seem to bad.
Suicide was never something he considered, until recently. Not only was he having issues with George, he had picked up drugs, gotten slightly addicted, his arms and legs were always littered with self harm scars, and his depression had only gotten work. He didn’t want to keep moving on if this was all life had to offer. He hated being dependent on things like antidepressants or anxiety meds. Being dependent on George was even worse.
George was never consistent, he was angry or mad and the next minute he was sweet and caring. It was exhausting having to put up with it all the time. He loved George, so much, so he deal with it.
The two had started dating once George got to Florida about six months prior to present day. George liked him too, it was a mutual feeling, but it had already begun to fade. They didn’t know how living with each other would be, in reality, living together drove them further apart, making everything worse for the both of them.
Karl and Quackity were staying over for the week, fans had been begging for a 5 out of 5 meet up ever since George’s visa got approved. Having Karl and Quackity around was a nice change of pace.
Sapnap lifted his head from Dream’s shoulder, “just, think about it, ok?”
Dream didn’t answer, he had no intentions of thinking about it, but if he said no the two of them would just argue and get nowhere.
“We should get going.” Sapnap pushed himself to his feet and held his hand out to help Dream stand. The blonde pushed himself up without the help from Sapnap. Quickly, Dream started moving back to the car all by himself. Sapnap was the designated driver, he didn’t like getting involved with drugs or alcohol in the same way Dream did. Punz and Puffy didn’t know where to go so that left Sapnap. Puffy and Punz were just here for the day, they would leave once they got back to the house.
Dream sat in the back seat with Punz. Immediately upon getting into the car Punz was already smoking, offering it to Dream as he closed the door behind him. Puffy rolled her eyes as the weed was passed in the back seat, “is drugs really the best idea right now? You just came back to consciousness.”
“I was just lost in a daydream is all,” Dream lied, taking a long puff on the weed, “I’m fine.”
“Daydream my ass.” Puffy mumbled as Sapnap started the car.
Ever since Dream had started self harming himself, he hadn’t gone to the beach with anyone. Sapnap practically dragged him out of the front door. Dream didn’t really leave the house at all but going to the beach meant it was hot out and that he would have to go shirtless, exposing an recent cuts to anyone and everyone at the beach. Meeting a fan out in public at this beach would be a nightmare.
His friends made sure not to comment on it, they were just happy he was out. Most of the people he hung out with anymore all understood and struggled with that sort of stuff themselves.
The car ride home wasn’t long, they lived pretty close to the beach, just down the road really. Their house overlooked the ocean but it didn’t have a beach in front of it, there was more of a grassy drop off with a bunch of pointy rocks at the bottom.
Once Dream and Sap waved goodbyes to Punz and Puffy, Dream immediately made his way to bed. He trudged up the stairs to his room, unsure of George was going to be there or not. Sometimes George joined him in bed, other times he didn’t.
Opening the door to his room he was met with a dark atmosphere. The light from the hall seeped into the room and you could see a sleeping George resting alone on Dream’s bed. Nights were usually better when George decided to join him in bed. He would never admit it because then he would feel like he forced George to sleep with him but nights like these were easier to sleep.
A small smile spread across his face as he quietly closed the door and took off his swimsuit. The bathroom shooting off of his room was large with two sinks, a large standing shower and a large bathtub if that’s the kinda mood you were in. Lately he had been slacking on showering everyday so sometimes a nice long bath where he could ignore everyone else was helpful. Not tonight though, he wanted to fall asleep more than anything else.
He was quick to pull a pair of boxers and stare at himself in the mirror. Sometimes if he stared too long things would distort themself. He never cared about looks all the much but sometimes the way he looked got to him. Shaking his head he turned the bathroom light off and made his way to his king sized bed. George was fast asleep on his usual side.
Dream wanted to avoid waking him up as much as he could so he tried to slip into bed slowly and quietly. That plan didn’t work however because as soon as he settled in George began moving. Instead of getting angry for waking him up like he usually would, George snuggled up closer to Dream.
The brunette’s cheek laid on Dream’s chest as his arm was guided around George’s shoulder. Dream didn’t question the sequence of events, he wished every night could be like this. He tried to close his eyes but every time they would unconsciously reopen and he would find himself staring at the ceiling. Eventually he got to sleep, he probably wouldn’t have if it weren’t for the boy sleeping half on his chest.
George was always adorable when he slept in Dream’s bed. His face is naturally soft looking but it’s even better when he’s asleep. He’s pretty cuddly too which sometimes sucks with the sticky Florida weather but Dream never minded all that much. The shorter boy liked to take Dream’s clothes as pajamas too, he said it was because in the UK he just slept in sweats and a t-shirt or had the air on and he just never got around to getting actual Florida weather appropriate pajamas. Dream thought it was cute anyways, he never drowned in the shirts he stole but they were definitely a few sizes too big.
Mornings were always unexpected, you never know if George would wake up first or if some other person would barge in and wake you both up together. This morning Dream woke up to George no longer attached at his hip but still in the room. The wall of Dream’s room that faced the ocean was completely glass, George sat right in front of it, watching waves hit rocks. He seemed peaceful.
The blonde rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up. It was around 9:30 in the morning, George usually wasn’t up this early but he was in asleep before Dream even got home last night.
George turned around and his dark brown eyes met Dream’s, “good morning sleepyhead.”
“Hey.” Dream smiled and stood up. Trudging his way over to the window, Dream sat next to George, both boys sitting crisscross applesauce.
George didn’t say anything, instead resting his head on Dream’s shoulder and scooting a little closer. It felt domestic, amazing, perfect, Dream loved it.
“I love you George.” Dream whispered as he placed a kiss on George’s hair.
“I love you too Dream.” George reciprocated the gesture but kissing Dream’s cheek, “you’d never leave me,” his tone suddenly got serious, “right?”
George looked at Dream with terror in his eyes, “I won’t, I promise.” Dream pulled him in and George tightly hugged back.
“I don’t want to lose you. You made me worried yesterday.”
“You… you knew?”
George pulled away slightly just to look Dream in the eye, “yeah, you do it a lot. I noticed and told Sap but he told me to just head home, that he would take care of it. I don’t want you to leave me.” He tucked his head back against Dream’s chest.
Dream stared blankly at the ocean in front of him, “I won’t, I won’t leave you, I promise.” He held on tighter than he thought he ever could. He needed a good reason to kick the idea of suicide out of his head, selfish or not he didn’t want to leave George and if George didn’t want him to leave either, maybe this could help erase the idea.
“I know things are hard, but we can get through it together. Please, let me help.” George held on like if he let go he would instantly lose Dream and never get him back. Dream slowly nodded, the two hadn’t been getting along recently, this was an odd change of pace.
The waves in the ocean began to glitch and the boy in front of him almost faded away. His face was scratched out and messy, arms were pulling tighter and tighter. Dream pushed with all the strength he had to get George off of him. He pushed the boy back and stood up quickly, booking to towards their bedroom door.
He reached for the handle but it phased out of reality. His hand went right through to knob. He turned around to see the sketchy George slowly walking towards him, repeating a slow and quiet: “wake up.”
“Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.”
“Dream please.”
George approached closer, his face slowly coming back to him. His hands moved to meet Dream’s arms, “Please Dream, you’re scaring me!” He pleaded. Everything seemed normal again.
“I’m here.” Dream quietly announced, “I’m here.”
George’s hands wrapped around Dream and held him tightly once again. This time, George was there, completely in tact. It was getting hard to distinguish reality and his daydreams but he was sure this was real.
-
Quickly and quietly, Dream took the small plastic bag from the man’s hand. Another thing he was once warned about was the effects of taking drugs on antidepressants, he didn’t care all that much. The pills were already not helping, why not go all out. They made a deal, Dream was willing to pay far too much money, he was often given little extras as a way to get him to keep coming and spending. A slightly bigger bag of weed was passed along, Dream wasn’t one for weed as much as he was for things like cocaine or heroin. He could find someone else who would take it for sure.
The man warned Dream about getting addicted but wasn’t that the whole point? Getting addicted was the reason this man was making any money in the first place, because people are addicted and keep coming back. Dream wasn’t fully gone though, this didn’t take up his whole life, he could control himself, it was more like a treat. Sometimes the drugs made his daydreams even more real, or just hallucinations. Either way he enjoyed it.
The two quickly parted ways and Dream made his way home. He stared at the small bag filled with white powder, he really had gone downhill hadn’t he? Despite his self loathing, he shoved it back into his pocket and made his way home. The house was quiet, mostly everyone was asleep by now, it was around 4 am.
Lights were off, no sound blasting throughout the house. If George was awake, he was probably wondering where Dream was. He had left in the middle of the night, trying to not worry anyone else in the house. He entered the downstairs bathroom, staring at his reflection in the mirror, he looked half dead. His eyes were sunken in, or at least they looked that way with the bags under his eyes. Forgetting to eat was a regular occurrence, he looked skinny. Some bones poked out more than others.
He tried to shake off the feeling as he poured the contents of his tiny white bag onto the counter and pushed it into a line. Taking it like a champ, he sniffed it all up like his life depended on it. The room got spiny and a small streak of blood fell from his nose.
“Dream?” A voice asked with a knock on the door, “what are you doing in there?”
Dream didn’t respond, he could tell by the voice and the time of the day that it was Karl. He had no idea how to explain himself so he stayed quiet. After a bit of waiting he wiped the blood away from his nose and opened the door. Karl was still waiting for him.
“What we’re you doing in there?” Karl looked concerned, “listen I’ve been to parties before, I know-“
“You don’t know. This isn’t something you’re going to understand, just go back to bed.” Dream pushed past Karl and made his way to the stairs.
“George wouldn’t want you doing that kind of stuff.” Dream stopped mid step, why was he bringing George into this? “I mean, I’m not going to tell him, but if he knew-“
“What gives you the right to tell me what George would or wouldn’t like me doing? Why is it any of your business in the first place?” Dream turned around, refusing the get any closer to Karl.
“I just, I know about all the intense hallucinations and the antidepressants-“
“No, you don’t, you don’t know anything about me.” Dream tried to sound tough but his voice was cracking.
“Sapnap told me… I do know. That kind of stuff… it’s all only going to get worse. And if you overdose and are driven to the point of suicide, George wouldn’t be able to handle himself.”
“He’s better off without me anyways.” Dream turned back to the stairs and left the conversation behind. He hadn’t felt it but he noticed some blood trailing down his shirt, his nose had started bleeding again. Karl probably had an idea of what he was doing but the blood really solidified that idea.
He wiped his nose again and took the shirt off. The room was spinning again, his vision seemed amplified and things were crawling up the walls. He backed up and hit his dresser in his room, using it to keep himself up right. It’s a miracle he made it up the stairs ok. Everything was moving and it looked like the walls were melting. His head was spinning through the roof. A dark figure approached him, it looked to be speaking but he was too fucked to hear any words.
A second figure came into his room with its arms crossed, once again it seemed to speak but words weren’t coming out. Dream closed his eyes, his hand moving to his head in a sharp pain. He could feel the blood begin to drip from his nose once again. His eyes stayed glued shut, no wanting to see the spinning room around him.
Muffled voices of concern were all he could hear. He was losing it, this was that last straw. He wouldn’t be able to take this way of living much longer. A small pair of arms wrapped around his waist, they were so familiar and comforting that he opened his eyes to see where they were coming from. George was at his chest, attempting to bring him back, but he was far too lost to come back. The second figure looked less dark than before, there weren’t shadows cast over him anymore. Dreams vision was blurry as he moved his head yo look around the room, Karl was the figure with his arms crossed.
He lost control over his actions, pushing George away from him and booking it to his bedrooms bathroom. That’s where he hid the razor he used when he felt low, that’s where there was a balcony he could jump from if he needed to.
A hand grabbed his, trying to get him to at least slow down. To George, this was all extremely sudden and he had no idea how to help. He wanted to help, more than anything in the world, but how do you help someone who’s so stubborn and set in their ways? Dream tried his best to get out of George’s grasp but part of the blonde was still there, the part that begged Dream to stay with George where it was safe and warm.
So he stopped, he stopped fighting the hold and fell to his knees on his bedroom floor. Karl watched and shook his head as he ran to go grab so water for Dream. George fell to his knees too, he wasn’t going to leave Dream’s side.
For Dream, the room was still spinning and he couldn’t hear a word George was saying. Not only was blood spilling from his nose now but tears spilled from his eyes. He couldn’t stop the trail of tears that spilled, he didn’t really care to.
George held a comforting hand over Dream’s, hoping it would calm him down enough to think straight. He felt so useless, he couldn’t even comfort Dream when he needed it most. They had their differences with each other but he would never purposely let Dream get this bad. He hadn’t been paying enough attention to him, he didn’t know it had gotten this far. He knew Dream was running towards his self destructive habits, or worse, the self ending habit he knew Dream had been thinking about.
Having never gotten that low himself, it was hard to George to understand what Dream was going through. That was the worst part, he wanted to help him more than anything in the world but it’s so hard when you have no idea what’s going on in Dream’s head, and never would.
Dream closed his eyes again, he was still so high in the clouds it was hard to comprehend the fact he was now sitting on his floor crying with George. Karl reentered the room with a glass of water. He got to his knees so he was sitting at the same level as the other two, handing the glass to Dream. His hand shook as he grabbed whatever Karl had been handing to him. The object was shaky and it spilled a bit before George too it from him instead.
Slowly, George tried to move the glass up to Dream’s lips. A quiet “trust me” was all Dream heard before he sipped the drink George was handing him.
Thoughts of running off again flooded his mind. A familiar tune of regret hummed against him. He began thinking of his past and all the things he did wrong that led him to this point. Watching the walls bleed and mix together, reality was falling apart at the seems. The simple rubbing of George’s thumb calmed Dream a little, it was soothing and constant, the only constant thing around him right now. The longer he sat still like this the more things seemed to become less chaotic.
Dream’s mind began to calm down a bit, his conscience self was starting to take over. The tears that were falling from his eyes slowed down to a stop. Karl let out a withheld breath, “ok, now that you’re ok, I’m going to go eat breakfast.” Karl stood up and showed himself out of the room.
He’s better without you.
Dream shook his head to get rid of the thought. George stared at him with concern.
Let him move on.
Dream covered his ears with his hands. George moved closer but Dream continued to back away from him. He shouldn’t need George to be ok, he relied on the brunette too much and it scared him.
“Dream, what’s wrong? What happened?” George asked with a pleading look. Dream didn’t respond, instead shaking his head no, “Dream, talk to me, please.”
“I- I can’t.” Dream choked on his words.
“I can’t help if you don’t talk to me.” George wanted more than anything to make Dream feel better but he didn’t even know what was wrong.
Let him go, he would be better off without your problems to deal with.
“Stop!” Dream yelled out. He meant it towards his own mind, not George. He wanted to stop thinking, stop self sabotaging himself.
George pulled himself back from Dream, “I’m sorry.” He looked taken aback but his apology was genuine.
“Not you.” Dream was quick to try and redeem himself. He tried to reach out to George but the smaller boy continued to pull away this time, “my brain… it won’t stop.” Dream tried to explain.
The brunette tilted his head like a confused puppy, “what do you mean?”
“My head keeps telling me things I don’t want to hear and it won’t stop-“ Dream shut his eyes tightly, “no matter how hard I try to get it to stop.”
“Can I touch you?” The question caught Dream a bit off guard but he nodded his head as permission. George reached his hands out and moved to be right in front of Dream. His hands cupped the blonde’s cheeks, wiping almost dry tears from his face, “it’s going to be ok, alright? Just breathe for me, ok?”
Dream nodded and took a deep breath in as George counted the seconds passing. For being a pretty extroverted person, Dream got nervous or too in his own head sometimes. It didn’t take George long to realize that counting along and grounding Dream by touching his hands or his face helped him calm down. It was one of the many things Dream loved about George, he always knew what to do, even when he wasn’t sure what was going on.
The room around him started to spin slowly again as Dream stared into George’s eyes with each breath he took. He shut his eyes, breaking the contact as his breaths got wavy, “Dream? What’s wrong? Keep breathing with me, you’ve got this.”
“The room, it’s spinning-“ Dream was cut off by the loss of contact with his cheek, George had let go to grab the water Karl had brought in.
“Take some water.” George held the cup up to Dream’s lips.
Dream took small sips and deep breaths, “I can’t take this anymore, I have this constant feeling of wanting to go home- it’s eating me alive, nothing feels real.” Dream managed to get out before his breaths became irregular again.
“Hey, hey, just stay calm alright, you’re home right now. We’re in your room and I’m right here, this is home.” George attempted to reason.
“It doesn’t feel like it anymore, nothing feels like home.” He hoped George understood, it wasn’t his fault Dream didn’t feel at home in his own bedroom.
“Do you want me to leave?” George began to ask.
“No! I don’t want to be alone.” A single tear dropped from Dream’s eye once again.
-
The sound of Sapnap’s skateboard wheels against the pavement were constant. Constant was good. Dream and Sapnap walked side by side, or rather walked and rode side by side. Dreams hands were stuffed deep into his hoodie’s front pocket and his headphones were in his ears. Sapnap was humming some tune Dream vaguely recognized. In this exact moment, everything was ok for once. The wind blew on the two just enough for the hoodie to not be a ball of hot death in the Florida weather. The sun was setting soon so it was starting to cool off just a bit.
Hundreds of people still walked the beaches along to coast, Sapnap and Dream were no different. Kids were playing in the sand and splashing each other with water. The sight made Dream think of when he was that young. He lived in Florida then too, just further in and not as close to the ocean and bustling city.
He never thought of his childhood as bad but then again most people never did. His family was always protective of him. He was an only child but should’ve been the youngest of four. After losing so many his mom naturally wanted to spend all her time with him. Back then he was a she and she definitely was a mommy’s girl. His later habits of skipping school were encouraged by his mother when he was in elementary school. She wanted to spend as much time with him as she could, even if that meant taking him out of school.
His dad was the opposite, it seemed at times he wanted nothing to do with him. That was never the actual case, his dad loved him, he just worked a lot and loved to sit on his computer and not talk to anyone else. His father was sometimes aggressive too which always further pushed the narrative that he didn’t care for Dream. In present times though Dream had almost no contact with his mom but usually talked with his dad at least once a week.
His mom loved to shower him with toys to gain his love. He never realized at the time, when you’re a kid allowed to skip school, get all the toys you want, and you don’t have any siblings to have to share with, you think you have the life. It wasn’t till he was older and was taken away from his mother by his grandparents that he realized what had happened. To this day he still slowly recalled repressed memories he didn’t even realize were trauma until many years after the fact.
Even with repressed memories, eventually divorced parents, being taken from his mother, he still didn’t think he had a hard childhood.
There were memories he remembered from his childhood that stuck out, not one of them was ever going to a beach and having fun. He vividly remembered the moment he knew his parents were splitting up. His father threw a freshly popped bowl of popcorn at his mother, it sat on the kitchen floor for weeks until it was eventually cleaned up.
He could vividly remember his mother smoking the cigarettes she loved so much and drinking the alcohol that always ended in beds banging against the wall and used condoms on the floor with men she brought over that always made Dream uncomfortable. He remembered crying in his bathroom with a friend who was sleeping over because his mom had brought over another man and was clearly having sex in the room next to his.
The thing he probably remembered most from his childhood was the day his grandparents took him away from his mother’s apartment. When his parents divorced, well separated since they were too poor to get an actual divorce, he moved with his mom away from his childhood home. He lost all his friends and had to completely restart in a new city over an hour and a half away from the small town he grew up in. After only two and a half years of living with his mom alone the rest of his family had decided he shouldn’t live with his mom.
Instead of giving him a choice his mom just told him they were taking him for a week. Here he was now, walking the beach with Sapnap over a decade later, more than just that week. Everyone cried that night, except for his mother. He remembered crying and begging whatever god was above him to stop the life he was living, even still he never wanted to leave his mom. His mother was all he knew and he was terrified of moving away. The whole situation gave him abandonment issues and made him terrified of new environments.
Even through traumatic events, he never thought of his childhood as traumatic. It wasn’t until his grandparents got too old to take care of him that he really started to think more about his childhood. He still never thought it was that bad, others had been through worse. As he got older, he began to realize more just how much he did in fact go through, even now though he never thought of it as a bad childhood.
Dream ended up moving in with his aunt who was the total opposite of his mother. She was strict and kept watch over him more than a normal parent would just because she had never been able to have a child of her own. She was also a school teacher so she saw things from a teachers’s point of view rather than the student’s. Life with his aunt was harder in some ways than life with his mom was.
He grew up with the smoking, the men, the absent yet somehow present father, what he hadn’t grown up with but was thrown into was a strict mother figure who watched over him and never let his grades slip. Dream was one of those “gifted” kids when he was younger, things came naturally in elementary school since most of it was common sense. Once he got to grades when things got harder he wasn’t prepared to study, he didn’t even properly know how. So at the ripe age of 13 or so, he was thrown into middle school and his fourth home style that was completely different than the others.
Not to mention his aunt was older and he ended up living with her until he was old enough to move out on his own with Sapnap. She had old beliefs and was a super strict Catholic woman who went to church every weekend. She forced him to go with until he turned 18, it was draining sitting through services he didn’t even believe in. He figured if god had answered his prayers when he was bawling his eyes out in his room whenever his mom brought over another scary man, maybe he’d believe in god.
Because of her older age, she didn’t take Dream being trans very well. He realized he was trans towards the beginning of his senior year at the Catholic high school his aunt sent him to. It was late in his life when he had been so confident in being a girl for the first part of all of it. His aunt refused call him by his preferred name and didn’t even bother trying with the pronouns.
But that was all besides the point. Once he was old enough to look back into his childhood, he realized it wasn’t normal, that it was a bit fucked up in his own weird way. Looking at happy kids always made him think about his own childhood, it was a terrible habit he had.
Dream realized he had forgotten to loop his playlist when an unfamiliar song started to play. Normally he would go back a song and press the loop button but the song immediately caught his attention. It started out with a static, almost old sounding, male voice. It was talking about picking women up on the beach or something like that before it began to skip, almost like an old record player.
The real song slowly started up as Dream pulled up the lyrics to the song to listen along.
I’ve been moving in backward directions, during astral projection
He looked around at everything around him, the more his listened the more he started to only focus on his phone. Conversations around him sounded distant and things around him blurred out of reality.
I plaster my ass on the wall for attention, I need faster connections
Pats is regret, I’d flash from the gemses if I didn’t care what my friends did
Friends are pretend, wanna end when you get bit
Get slick, get quick, wanna spend shit
“Hey dude! Why’d you stop?” Sapnap waved his hands in front of Dream.
Dream paused the song and took out an earbud with a spaced out: “huh?”
“I asked why you stopped. Are you getting all dreamy again? Should we start heading home?” Sapnap asked again.
Dream shook his head, “I’m fine, it’s nothing really. Let’s keep going.” He took out his second earbud and stuffed his phone into his pocket. Sapnap had been kind enough to ask Dream to go on a walk with him along the beach, Dream wasn’t going to ruin that. He did however, want to listen to the rest of the song, so he left it paused so he could listen to it later.
Sapnap took the opportunity to start having an actual conversation with Dream instead of both boys just walking next to each silently. Dream never stopped thinking of the song through the whole rest of the walk.
-
George sat alone on the balcony, admiring the setting sun. Dream and Sapnap had left just a few minutes before to go on a walk. It was good for Dream to get out and get some fresh air for once. George noticed his lover’s mental health declining, everyone probably noticed it. He was never prepared to deal with it.
Before he moved to the US, Dream always seemed so happy. He told George as soon as he got here he would feel so much better, mentally speaking. So George never even imagined Dream getting this bad. He was worried about him, everyone was, especially Sapnap. It was obvious to everyone that Sapnap and Dream were close, it was killing Sap to see Dream this way.
There was a soft breeze on the balcony as George watched the setting sun. The temperature was slowly cooling down to a nice tolerable warmth.
“What are you thinking about?” Karl suddenly joined George outside.
George turned his head to watch Karl emerge from his and Dream’s room and sit in the empty seat next to him, “nothing much, just life.” He replied with a sigh and a hint of sadness.
Karl took George’s hand and looked at him intimately, “how are you after this morning?”
“It’s fine, Dream can do what he wants. I just don’t want to see him get hurt.” George looked to his feet, “I really, really, love him. Seeing him hurt like this… it hurts me. Not that I’d ever tell him that.”
“Maybe you should? Maybe he’d stop then. He’s not just hurting himself and he needs to realize that.” Karl seemed pushier than normal, “Sap’s been worried about him too.” He started to trail off, “I hate seeing you both like this.”
“I think you might be being a little harsh. I get it Sapnap’s bothered too but I can’t tell Dream he’s hurting me too, that’s so… selfish.” George thought to himself aloud.
“What’s more selfish is letting him continue living like this when it’s hurting the people closest to him. He needs something to stop him, he loves you George. Maybe he’d stop for you.” suggested Karl again, “you should at least talk to him about it.”
“Maybe I will. I just… I don’t want to seem overbearing or give him the wrong idea-“
“The wrong idea is letting him think this doesn’t effect you at all.” Karl stood up, “I know it sounds a little weird but I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a while, this morning just finally pushed me. I want to see you both get better, Sap too.” Karl turned around and left the balcony.
The conversation was odd and out of place but George knew it was necessary. He needed to talk to Dream, he was going to.
-
Sometimes it feels like the world is ending. Like nothing around you really matters, like you won’t make it to that event in the future and you know it. Sometimes the antidepressants don’t work even when you follow all the rules and do everything right. Sometimes the thoughts never end.
Sometimes you stand with a pill bottle in your hand and wonder how many you can take before you kill yourself. Sometimes when your driving you think about how you could so easily push past that curb and slam into some water. Sometimes you wonder if you would put your head underwater and convince yourself not to touch the surface again.
Sometimes everything is perfectly fine, then the next moment you’re crying and thinking about how shitty life is. Sometimes you think ahead and fully believe you won’t be able to make it to a certain age because you know you don’t have the mental stability to last that long. Sometimes you look at pieces of broken glass for a little longer than you should whole thinking “just one cut wouldn’t hurt right?”
Sometimes you know there’s people that care about you, but those few people just aren’t enough to keep you going. Sometimes you feel like indulging in self destructive behaviors are the only things that truly make you feel.
Sometimes you think about old friends. You thought they had it just as bad as you, yet you were the only one who made an effort to get away. You’re the only one who had it bad enough to where you had to get away. Maybe they just had a higher tolerance.
Sometimes things get so bad that you pick up a piece of paper and a pencil and write a letter to the people you care about, one that would only be read after the fact, once no one can save you anymore. Sometimes it feels like you’re drowning, and you can’t help but feel like no one else is drowning, it’s just you.
But everyone gets that way, right?
Dream stared at his phone screen, he felt stupid writing his feelings out. No one would care if he killed himself anyways, he didn’t need to justify himself, he’d be dead. He would’ve have continued if it hadn’t gotten too much for him. The more he wrote the blurrier his screen became.
He tried to clear his mind, tomorrow was going to be a good day, he just needed to make it through this one. He took a deep breath in - and out.
He had tried his best all day to not touch any drugs or alcohol or pick up anything he could harm himself with. It was a bit of a solo mission, he didn’t tell anyone else about it. He wanted to get better, but sometimes… it was just too hard.
He was sat at his computer desk, a few jars sat with miscellaneous office supply stuff on it. One of them was broken, still sitting there months after it had became that way. Dream picked a piece of it up, examining it. A night of light peaked out of his window, reflecting off the glass.
Sometimes the urge to do something was just too strong to ignore.
Dream pushed the edge of the glass to his arm, a small smile pushed its way onto his face. This is what he knew, this is what he was comfortable with. The feeling always brought him a bit of security, as much as he knew he shouldn’t be doing this. His arms had already been cut so much that would could see leftover scars from months back at all times. He had been doing this so long it had become almost second nature to him.
There was one other thing, not quite as destructive, that Dream could do to make himself feel better. Dream crawled onto his bed and laid there, staring at the ceiling, eventually feeling himself drift away, but not with sleep.
Dream found himself back in Kinoko Kingdom. The land seemed to be bustling with people. He saw Karl and Sapnap sitting by the water in the middle of the kingdom and he saw Tina taming some animals.
Most importantly he saw George, the smaller boy seemed to be approaching him, “Dream!” He waved, “it’s so nice to see you again!” Dream smiled in return, things were lighthearted and fun here. George ran up and gave the blonde a huge tight hug, “come back sooner next time your dork.” George lightly pushed Dream causing the latter to laugh.
“Sorry, I’ve been… busy.”
“Well you’re here now!” George responded, he was so optimistic, “that’s all that matters right?! Let’s go have some fun!” George took a hold of Dreams hand and ran off with it. They ran up the stairs near Bad and Skeppy’s house. Puffy waved outside at the passing boys as Bad tended to some flowers in the front.
Bonus end chapter:
Everyone wore black, flowers were white and red, tears covered everyone’s face.