Panic and Plannification
James knocked on the door to his own room.
He didn't really know why, having done so without thinking. Maybe it was to buy himself some time, inconsciously. Or to warn Sirius of his arrival. Get his attention.
Maybe he was just a tad bit confused and nothing made sense anymore. Because how could anything make any sense when Regulus Black confessed to liking him ?
Yes, logic had deserted his life, and he was now waiting to be let into his own dorm.
When Remus oppened the door and came face to face with James, they stared at one another, somehow both as confused as each other.
"Prongs ? What uh, what are you doing ?" His friend asked, uncertain.
"I'm not sure myself."
James truly wasn't. He wasn't sure what they were supposed to do now either. Should he just go in ? Should he wait for Remus to lead him inside ?
"Alright," Remus furrowed his brows in perplexity. "Do you prehaps want... To come in ?" He questioned, hesitant.
James looked at him, and...
Promptly proceeded to burst out laughing.
For absolutely no reason other than the absolute absurdity of their situation. He completly lost it, and dissolved in laughter, clutching his stomach.
And as Merlin would have it, when James Potter laughed, the people around him were compelled to do so too. His hilarity was highly contagious, and resisting the pull of his glee was near impossible. It was a known fact, and the reason why Remus didn't fight it when he too, began to chuckle at their own expanse.
"Yes," James managed to choke out between senseless giggles. "I would- would very much like to come in."
Remus could only back away from the entrance and gesture James to follow him- which ensued in a second wave of hilarity.
James stumbled his way to his bed, laughing still, and fell back on it, "I'm so confused ?"
His admition was met by the stares of his three dormmates. Remus' look was honeslty comical.
"You're confused ? I'm fucking confused !"
"Mind clueing us in on all the confusion ?" Sirius asked, discarding his homeworks, glad for the distraction.
James sighed loudly, exhaustion catching up to him. "I don't even know mate. I had the weirdest day, and ended up knocking on our door. I don't bloody know why either. I'm just really... Well, I guesse there really isn't another word for it, so yeah : I'm confused."
"You could be dumbfounded," corrected Sirius.
"Or disoriented," agreed Remus.
"Maybe even discombobulated," Finished Peter.
All eyes turned to the later.
"That's not even a word, Wormtail."
"It sure is. It means being disconcerted and unsettled. I had to look it up, because Snivelus called me that when I was paired with him in potions last year." He assured them.
James would have to take his word for it, he supposed. And honestly, discombobulated felt like a pretty accurated definition for what he was feeling.
"So, moving on... What has you feeling all of that Prongs ?" Remus asked, settling on the floor.
James sat up, and looked at Sirius, almost sheapish.
Immediatly, his best mate tensed. "It's about Reggie, isn't it ? What happened, James ?"
Hearing his frantic tone, James reassured him right away : "It's not what you think."
"You don't know what I think."
"I know you aren't thinking about what it is though. Whatever you're thinking about, it's not it. Because... It's not a instinctive thought to think about, alright ? You would never think of that, just the way I would have never thought about it. It's really... Discombobulating, truth be told."
They all looked at him, waiting for more. James was fidgetting, twisting his fingers together. He groaned and slid down the side of his bed, joining Remus ans Sirius on the floor. They both got closer, and Peter came down his bed too.
"I..."
James looked at Regulus' older brother and wondered how he was even supposed to break the news. "Hey Pads, your baby brother just happens to fancy me" ? Oh Merlin, that sounded aweful.
But as James wasn't comfortable with silences, he just blurted out :
"Regulus just asked me out."
Heart hammerng in his chest, James looked at Sirius.
The news was met by a whole lot of nothing.
James expected laughter and denial. He expected anger and surprise. But his friends just kept looking as if he hadn't talked at all... James began doubting that he did until finally, Sirius spoke up :
"Regulus what ?"
He struggled to swallow, and his mouth opened a few seconds before he could manage to say anything else.
"He... Regulus told me he had something to talk about before lunchtime today, right ? And I thought it was about you, or maybe even about wanting to get out- Out of Grimmauld Place. But..." James' words trailed off, looking at Sirius in desparation. "He conffessed to me. Asked me out."
He bit his lips as he watched Peter's mouth fall open, and Remus bring his scarred hand to cover his own. Yet, the one he dreaded the reaction of the most stayed so completly still.
And again, like a broken record :
"Regulus what ?"
Merlin, this is bad... James thought, panicking.
"Oh mate, I'm so... I had no idea ! And I don't know what to say, I can barely believe it myself, but I swear that I never mea-"
"He likes you ?" Sirius asked, leaning forward. His grey eyes held so many different emotions James couldn't dicern them all, no matter how used he was to reading Sirius' feelings. "He... My baby brother likes you ?"
James pressed his lips together. He gave a little nod, embarassed.
"That's what he told me, yes..."
"How ?"
James was taken aback by that question.
"Uhm, how does he like me ?"
"No, James. How did he tell you ? Come on, you can't just tell me Regulus asked you out and leave it at that, you've got to give me something here, mate !"
The eagerness definitly came as a surprise for James, though he should have expected that Sirius would demande details... He shared a glance with Peter, silently asking if he knew what Sirius' reaction meant. The other simply shrugged, as clueless as he was.
"Y-you're not mad ?" James still had to make sure.
His friend thought about it for an instant, "I'm not sure. Why would I be mad ? I can't... Really think about how it makes me feel right now, so I want to know how he does, alright ? Will you just tell me already ?"
James didn't need to be asked twice ; he needed to share it all.
"Yeah, okay. Well... He started it all by saying his friends are prats, actually."
That made Remus snort, and the mood was suddenly lighter.
"Apparently, we're not the only ones to have lost a bet yesterday, Pads. And when he did, Regulus had to..."
.
.
.
Gryfondor's common room, quite and empty. Only so calm in the middle of the night.
The boys had relocated their gossip session at some point, in needs of snacks. They'd dug into the common stach, discussing the issue with more or less seriousness along the hours.
Peter had dozed off on his armchair at about twelve o'clock, and Remus hadn't said anything in a few minutes. When James looked over at him, his eyes were closed and his breathing even.
Remus never seemed so peaceful as when he slept.
Sirius followed his gaze and a small smile found it's way to his face. He gently dropped a plaid over their friend's shoulder, and James noticed how his hand lingered a bit on Remus' arm.
Sirius never seemed so tender as when he looked at Moony.
Silent still, the boy rose to his feet and joined James on the sofa back in the corner, near the large window. The moon lighted their faces, but not much else. James held out the hazelnut chocolate to Sirius.
After their friends' joking around, the atmosphere had shifted. The both of them were resting side by side, eyes looking up at the high ceilings, but their minds somewhere else... Probably in the Slytherin dorms, with the boy that shared so much with Sirius, yet so little at the same time.
"Hey James ?" Sirius started soflty. "Will you go out with him ?"
James inhaled deeply, "Sirius, I don..."
"Please ? Will you go out with him ?"
Same words, same order, and yet such different meanings.
Slowly, almost carefully, James turned his head to look at his friend, to find him looking back. Sirius licked his lips, and let out a shuddering breath.
"I... It may sound crazy. It may as well be crazy, but I was thinking... Maybe, if you and him- If you're going out with him... He'll talk to me. I'd like to believe that if he likes you, then he can't really hate me. Because we're... You know. We're you and me. We come as somewhat of a package deal, and everybody knows that. So for him to have you... He'd have to have me too. In some way."
His troat was thight with tears, James could hear it in his voice.
"Sirius..."
"I know. I know it's a long shot, and it's too much to ask of you. But... I miss him so much James. And he must know that going out with my bestfriend means spending at least some time with me. Right ?" He pleaded, and James' heart hurted.
It hurted for this big brother who just want to be loved by his sibling. It hurted for his bestfriend who just wanted to find his way back to the only person that shared his blood and he still called family.
"You could try to talk to him about me, at first. And then we could all hang out, and he'd feel confortable enough with you around." Sirius tried again with hope, so much hope in his voice. "It would be so perfect James. You would tell me how he's doing in life, what he likes and what he doesn't. Until you wouldn't even have to because he'd tell me himself. We'd be brothers again. It could work, I know it."
"What about..." James measured his words. "What about his feelings ? That wouldn't be fair to him, Sirius. Yes, maybe it could work, but at what cost ? I don't want to deceive Regulus. You'd be his brother, but I'd have to be his lover."
"You'd be the best boyfriend I could hope for my baby brother, I know you would. And that would mean I wouldn't have to worry about some arsehole hurting him, or treating him like shit !"
Oh Merlin, his friend was really set on this crazed idea. James shook his head, but Sirius was already continuing.
"And I'm sure he'd be good to you. I... I remember what it feels like to be loved by him. It's so sweet James. His love is sweet and fragile and so fucking precious, I swear to you. It feels like breathing in a scented candle, and getting to be warmed by the flame. It's not invasive, not very noticeable. But it's comforting, calm, constant. I'd give anything to be loved by him again, and you are so very lucky that you are. Please, give it a chance. You've never given anyone a chance to love you, because you were so obsessed with getting Lily to feel that way about you. But now that you're over this thing with her, you should let yourself be appreciated for who you are."
James dropped his head in his hand, groaning loudly.
"But he's Regulus."
Sirius retched back, "So ? Is my brother not good enough for you ?"
James was startled by this.
"W-what ?" He grimaced, not sure where that came from.
"Regulus is a perfectly beautiful boy, thank you very much. Hell, how could he not ? He lookes like me ! He's properly fit, and his face is quite gorgeous, if I do say so myself."
"Tha- It had nothing to do with Regulus being pretty ! Everyone bloody knows that he is..."
"So you do find him attractive, then ?" Sirius rose his brows, completly solemn.
James could sense this was a trick question. But he wasn't going to lie...
"Of course I find him attractive ; you said so yourself, he's gorgeous. But that doesn't change the fact that you are his brother." James stressed that last point with widdened eyes.
"And as such, I give you my blessing." Sirius smiled. "You think he's pretty - your words - and didn't you always want to befriend him ? You kept saying we should try to talk to him, to spend time with him. Well, you'd be doing a whole lot of that, wouldn't you ?"
"What about the otherthings we would be doing, huh ? If I go out with him, we'd-" James blushed at the thought of him and Regulus... "We'd snog, Sirius. Are you ready to see me snogging your little Reggie ?"
Sirius tensed next to him, giving him a nasty look. James could see the big brother in him being conflicted about this one.
"That's... Something I won't be asking you about. But honestly ? A good snog might do him some good. He's got a broom stick up his ass."
James choked on his spit. Firstly because he didn't expect that to be Sirius reaction, and secondly because...
"He has a what now !?"
Sirius frowned.
"Un manche a balai dans le cul ?" He repeated in what James assumed was french. "People don't say that ? It must only be in french then. Anyway, it means being uptight. He's never letting loose, James. And he's almost eighteen..." He added reluctantly. "I can't exppect him to stay innocent forever."
James could only stare at him with a gaping mouth.
"Two birds, one stone, Prongs. Maybe even three birds : I get a brother back, you get a pretty boyfriend, and Reggie gets both. And I won't get detention about beating up some tosser who broke his heart."
James could see it. He could see the picture that Sirius described, but...
"What if I break his heart ?" He murmured. "Sirius I'd be lying to him. Spying on him. If he ever finds out I'm going out with him because you asked me to ? That'd be horrible, and he'd never forgive either of us."
Sirius deflated. His eyes dropped, and that- that sight of Sirius' hope crushed ? It broke James' heart. He couldn't forget he was putting his own heart on the line too, here.
Yes, James did find him pretty. Regulus Black had a certain charm about him, a demeanor that James couldn't deny. And yes, he did want to get to know him. At first, it was for Sirius' sake, but throughout the years, he also wanted it for Regulus. He was a boy who was delt a rotten deal at birth, just as his best friend had. And James couldn't help but want to help him, to bring him at least a bit of confort, a little joy.
But James didn't love him.
So what if he went to Regulus and said yes, that he'd date him. What if everything went according to plan, and the Black brothers fixed their relationship ? What if he allowed himself to be appreciated for once ? What then ? How was he going to let Regulus down then ?
Befriending and dating someone were two very different things. Like he'd said... There was snogging involved, amongst other things. That wasn't such an issu for James, because as they'd establish : Regulus was pretty. But still... He'd get a friend with whom he shared kisses, and Regulus would get a boyfriend who lead him on.
James would feel so bad, wouldn't he ? Regulus would think he liked him back. And he'd be doing it for Sirius ? Merlin, just thinking about it felt wrong.
But...
Right.
But Sirius.
Oh, James would do anything for Sirius.
He closed his eyes and let himself remember the Regulus of a few hours ago. The one struggling to find his words, even though he usually had the perfect elocution expected of the Slytherin Prince. The Regulus blushing, such a contrast against his habitual expression, neutral and nonchalent. The Regulus who liked him, instead of despising his rowdy ways and looking down on his carefree self.
Then, he imagined new versions of the boy. Ones he hadn't seen yet : shy about holding hands, pretending he didn't care when he definitly did. He imagined him jaleous, or a little possessive. He imagined Regulus walking down the corridors at his brother's side, both of them bickering like only sibling could, with still an undertone of affection. He thought of Sirius' smile, the brightest he knew, and it's twin on Regulus' lips ; a little secrete. About how he'd get to witness it more, how he'd get to cause it. Regulus could fit in with them, James thought. He'd talk books with Remus, certainly to their dismay, and make those sarcastic remarks of his when they'd plan a prank. Maybe his own friend could meet them too, sometimes.
It was a prospect James found himself longing for. He didn't want their last year at Hogwart to be the last Sirius saw of his brother. He didn't want to miss the oportunity to bring them together. And it was honestly their last and only chance of doing so.
Wouldn't that be worth it ? All the hardship and secrecy would lead to Sirius' hapiness in the long term, probably Regulus' as well.
What was a little crush anyway, in the grand skim of things ? What had Regulus told him ? It would fade away ? But his brother's presence wouldn't. No, and neither would the scar of loosing him for good. It would never truly disapear, and James knew that meant more than he ever could.
Regulus would get over James, when the time came. But would Sirius ever get over the loss of his brother ?
James didn't want to find out.
When he opened his eyes, they fell on Remus. James thought, if he'd been awake, Remus would have adviced him against it. He probably would have reasoned with Sirius, and told James it was stupid to even consider that madening plan.
But Remus was sleeping.
So nobody stopped James from saying :
"We can never tell him."
Sirius looked back at him, frowning. "What ?"
"Regulus. We will never tell him about this conversation. If he never knows, then it can't break his heart, right ? We get your brother back, and you'll owe me for life, deal ?"
A smile broke Sirius' grim look.
"Really ?" He whispered shyly, and James nodded. "Deal."
He threw himself at James, tackling him on the couch. James could only hug him back.
"You are the best living thing on this planet. I'm not even joking Prongs, I love you, I love you, I love you !"
James laughed and pushed Sirius' face away from him, "Don't kiss me dork, that's gonna be your brother's job."
Sirius only grinned wider, "Thank you so much."
"Don't thank me yet... This whole thing only works if I manage to get him to like spending time with me- and you by extantion. Until then, he seemed pretty annoyed by everything that I did. Once, he told me I was a waste of oxygene. And even as he confessed to fancying me, he called my wet hair "unpleasant" ! So we're not safe for him dumping me a week from now because I annoy him..."
Sirius nodded in agreement, even though he didn't really look all that worried.
"Well, I've never properly dated anyone, so I wouldn't know about that but..." He looked over at Remus. "He must be called the Casanova of Gryfondor's tower for a reason, musn't he ?"
James cocked his eyebrow at him, "You want to ask for his advice ?"
"Who better to ask than him ? I may be a flirt, but he has people swooning all over him without even trying. I don't think I know anyone in this school who hasn't had a crush on him at some point." He mumbled, and James could hear a drop of irritation in his tone.
"Yeah well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you Padfoot ?" He smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.
James took a pillow swinged in his face. His yelp woke the subject of Sirius' redden cheek.
When he looked at the both of them, James' heart ached.
The pleasant pain seemed to sing something. Something that sounded bittersweet.
Like : "Ah, some people really are made for each other."