Pride, Pleasure and Pain

James was right to assume he would be against the "Wooing Regulus Black Back To His Big Bro" ordeal. Peter named the mission, and neither James nor Sirius approved. It sounded a little too incestuous for their taste, but Peter didn't care much for their agreement.

"It's not a good idea guys."

"Every great achievment began with a bad idea." Sirius countered, giving their friend a wink.

"And who might have spoken those wide words ?" Remus retorted with ironie.

"I believe myself to be the first, but that doesn't make them any less true. As a matter of fact, people will quote me years from now, when they too must convince the friends who don't believe in their genius and visionary plans."

Remus scoffed, "I told you, that is not a plan ! Let alone a visionary one. At the best, it could be considered a..."

James tuned out their bickering. Breakfast had already ended, and they didn't get to eat anything. Their late night talk had exhausted the four of them, and they hadn't gotten up in time... Adding to that, James had barely slept at all after they finally had gone back to their room.

He'd tossed and turned, tried counting sheep ; to no avail. His head was a prison, and his thoughts wouldn't cease to pace around like a lion in cage. How was he suppose to act with Regulus now ? What would he say to him ? Should he even talk to him this early ? He had told him to take his time, and James was afraid the boy might think he hadn't given it enough thoughts, or wasn't taking him seriously. All those questions, and a hundred more, had given him a headache.

Thankfully, when he'd fallen asleep at last, his dreams hadn't been plagued by Regulus' confession or Sirius' request. But if James' short night had allowed him to rest and think quietly, he still remained undecided about Regulus.

He knew he shouldn't rush things, but he couldn't take any more of this stagnant state he was stuck in. He wouldn't survive another night thinking relentlessly about it, or even the whole day with doing something. James needed to act, and for his own sanity, the sooner ; the better.

That's why he announced :

"I'm going to give him my response today. Maybe at lunch, or after Quidditch."

All eyes turned to him. James realised then that he had no idea what the others were talking about. And that the girls had joined them without him realising. They were in the Charmes classeroom, waiting for their proffesseur. Lily was sitting on the table, and Mary had her feet propped up on Remus' lap. They often hung out like this before class started, but he hadn't noticed at all.

Merlin, he was so out of it.

"Give who the response to what ?" Asked Mary, sleep clouding her eyes.

"Great, here we go." Grumbled Remus. "It's a good thing you're already sitting."

The Valkyries looked at him, confused. Remus only averted his gaze to meet James' and shrugged, suggesting it was his choice what to tell them. Obviously, they'd agreed not to mention the not-plan to anybody else. Still, he could decide not to tell them about the Regulus situation all together...

James sighed. He could feel his cheek heating up. They were his friends too, and maybe he could use their opinions on it all. Female intuition and all that.

Sirius threw an arm around his shoulder and gave him an encouraging smile.

"So... You girls remember how I needed to talk to Regulus yesterday ?" He waited for them to nod before he kept going. "Well it was um... It was to ask me out ? Like, to be his boyfriend. So, that's the answer I have to give. And I'm considering, maybe... Maybe saying yes." 

Being prone to rip the bandage off quickly, he'd said it all in on breath.

But as he saw the look in Lily's eyes, he wished he could place the bandaid back on.

"Oh. My. God." She detatched each of her word, and James wasn't sure if the muggle expression was to show exitement or horror. Though, he guessed the stars in her eyes said enough... "Please, tell me you aren't kidding me right now."

James was about to say that he was, in fact, not kidding, when Marlene held up her hands :

"Wait, wait, wait !" She shook her head, eyes closed. "You can't just drop that bomb on me like that, I'm in need of more explanation here. You mean, Regulus Regulus ?"

"Yes." James confirmed.

"As in, Slytherin Regulus ?"

"Yes."

"As in, Regulus Black ? Sirius' brother Regulus ?"

"Yes."

"What the fuck, James ?" Was her stunned conclusion.

Peter chuckled and pat her shoulder : "Welcome to the club, Marls. What the fuck is the general sentiment since the confession."

"Oh. My. God !" Lily reiterated, as Mary was still gaping at him. "Confession. He confessed to you ? He likes you ? And you're going to say yes ? This is incredible. This is quite possibly the best thing to ever happen to me, and it's not even happening to me."

Once again, when James was about to speak, Marlene cut him off with a gasp.

"You're going to say yes !?" Her eyes were as wide as saucers. She turned distincively to Sirius. "Regulus is your brother dude, isn't that... I don't know, forbidden or something ?"

Lily scoffed, "As if being in rival Houses wasn't forbidden enough. And it's even more romantic that way : he fell for his estranged brother's best friend." She gave a meaningful look to Remus. "Tell me you wouldn't read the shit out of that story were it in a romance novel ?"

The boy's cheek turned slightly pink, and he rolled his eyes in defeat.

James' cheek though, were bright red, and the roll of his eyes was of exasperation. It wasn't one of their love stories !

That was not Lily's point of view though : "Even against everything, he still asked you out. It must mean he's seriously smitten with you James... It's your choice, but I really think giving it a chance might be good. For the both of you, too."

Gently, she placed a hand on his, and through that one gesture passed a thousand word. They'd gone a long way from the cold ackwardess that coated their every interaction after James' last try at talking about his feelings for her. There had been more than a few tears shed, and apologies from both side. It was nobody's fault that James had loved her, and that she hadn't.

He could see she only wished him the best, and that the idea that he may be moving on thrilled her. He knew for a fact that she would support him in however way she could, and James meant to thank her for it, but yet again, Marlene talked before he could :

"Still, are you fine with it Sirius ?"

James clicked his tongue, annoyed with her constant interuption, "As if I hadn't made sure of that already. You know I would never even consider it if he wasn't fine with it. But Padfoot is actually the one who... Well, I wasn't really sure what to do, and he convinced me that I should give it a chance if it felt right."

Grinning at him, Sirius' arm thightened around his shoulders and hugged him.

"Of course, mate. You have to go for it at some point, waiting for fate to happen isn't a way to live. And if you and Regulus have the slightest chance to make each other happy, what more could I ask for ? My best friend and my brother... Isn't it awesome ?"

Marlene appeared unconvinced, Lily had hearts in her eyes, and James thought Mary's jaw might fall off her face and land on the floor. She hadn't said a word yet, and honestly, he doubted she'd recover from her shock before class began.

Remus sighed, a small smile grazing his lips.

"I guesse you'd see it that way." He then turned to James, "You know I'll always have your back Prongs, so whatever ; go get some of that Slytherin ass-and-sass. Merlin knows you deserve it, even if I would have never guessed mean and snarky was your type..."

Everyone chuckled at his expanse, and James couldn't help but laugh as well, the stress that was eating away at him fading in the background.

"Maybe his type has more to do with the ass than the sass," Peter wiggled his brows at Marlene.

She looked pensive for a moment before she said, "He does have a pretty fine arse. To be honest, the boy is pretty all over."

"It's the Black genes. We may be incestuous, but man do we make it look good," Sirius mused. "Please though, stop talking about my brother's arse... We should be adressing the matter at hand here : James finally going out with someone !"

His ear to ear grin warmed James heart, and the reaction of his friends reassured him he was making the right decision.

"But that someone is your brother."

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Oh hush up Marlene." He waved her off to adress Lily ; "My Flower, tell me you can see it too ! Wouldn't they make for a fine couple ?"

"They totally would, I'm with you on this, I can see it. Opposits attracts after all, and the black cat with golden retriever dynamic is adorable." She winked at Sirius.

"Yes ! Finally an ally, you delight me my Flower," Sirius let's go of James to kiss the back of her hand. "James could be the laughter to his quite night, and Regulus the calme in his ceaseless storm. But this one," He added, pushing him a little with his shoulder, "Is too godsdamned stressed to see it !"

James gasped, incredulous of what he'd heard. He pushed Sirius back :

"I am not ! I literally just told you guys I was going to say yes. I just- don't know him enough yet, to agree we'd be good together. I'm gonna try, because I want to get to know him. And also because he's so... I mean, even Marlene admitted he was pretty. And she's so gay she vomits rainbow when she's sick." He scoffed.

"That was one time," She snapped immediatly, "and only because I ate those enchanted candies !"

Her anger flushed face sent everyone in a fit of laughter, and Sirius was so far gone he fell on Peter. Marlene slammed her hands on the wooden table to make them stop and let go of the incident, but no amount of threats would make James let her forget about it.

And for a moment, before their Professeur came in and asked from some quite - For a moment, everything was perfect.

Almost.

James looked through the castle's windows and wondered if one day, soon, Regulus would laugh along with them. James wondered if he would be sitting next to him if it ever happened.

.
.
.

Regulus wasn't looking at him. He hadn't been for the entirety of his meal.

James did try to catch his attention thoughout lunch, but he'd failed each time. It was even more pathetic knowing that he, on the other hand, couldn't take his eyes off of him.

"James, just eat. You can't talk to him thelepatically, no matter how hard you stare at him." Remus brang him back to the Gryffindor's grand table.

James groaned and shoved a mouthfull of mushroom quiche between his lips. It was absolutely delicious, but he could barely apreciate the taste.

"I can't wait till tonight. The wait is gonna drive me insane."

"Well imagine how he feels," Mary - who had finally come out of her shell shock state - said, pointing her fork at him. "You already know the answer you're going to give him. He has no idea you aren't planning to reject him."

"But then why is he so collected over there ? Shouldn't he be here asking me for the answer, if it's such a torture to not know ?" He whined.

"To push back the inevitable ?" Suggested Sirius, "Like she pointed out, he isn't aware you want to go out with him, and knowing Regulus, he definitly thinks you're gonna turn him down. He's probably not too eager to get his heart broken."

Why was everything so complicated ? James just wanted to be over this, and date Regulus already. It'd be easier after that, he was sure of it. They'd be on the same page at last, and James wouldn't be in uncharted territory anymore : flirting and taking care of someone was like a second nature, and he knew he was going to be good at dating. He just needed to tell that to Regulus.

Next to him, Lily yelped and grabbed his sleeve.

"James, he's getting up. They're leaving."

He rose up so fast he hit his knees against the table, his fork and knife clattering as he droped them in his plate. Peter choked on his water at the sudden mouvement, but James didn't have the time to worry about it.

Lily, Sirius and Mary hushered him to follow Regulus quickly. He did as he was told, barely thinking.

James knew his friends were right : now was his chance. He glanced back above his shoulder, and nodded at Sirius before taking off running in hopes to catch up with the Slytherins... They were already half way out the door, still not paying him any attention.

"Regulus !"

James had absolutly no idea what he was going to say, where he should begin, but only started to worry about that once he'd called the boy's name a second time :

"Hey, Regulus wait !"

He slowed to a small jog when he neared them, lips parted as if his sentence wasn't finished. But it was, because suddenly, Regulus and all his friends turned to him, and he couldn't speak another word. Fuck, he really should have planned this converstaion beforehand... What an idiot he was making himself out to be.

Surprise etched itself on Regulus' face, before he could rule in his expression into his usual scowl, "Potter."

James glanced at the on-lookers, and recognized them all as Regulus' friends ; Barty Crouch Jr, Evan Rosier, Pandora Lestrange and Dorcas Meadows.

He knew of them, or at least of their reputation. And as a sadistic smile curled the lips of Barty, he guessed that reputation was founded. He could see the boy enjoyed his discomfort and was planning to savor the conversation that was to come... He was the one at fault for this whole situation too, he recalled.

James cleared his troat and ackwardly rubbed the back of his neck as he came to a stop before Regulus.

"Hi..."

"What do you want ?" Regulus asked with a sharp tone.

James swallowed with difficulty under the younger's scrutiny. And before he could realise it, he spoke words he clearly didn't mean to speak :

"Why did you ignore me at lunch ?" James blurted out.

Merlin, he wanted to punch himself in the face.

"What ?" Regulus growled. "I didn't ignore yo- Wait, why would you care ?"

"Because I wanted to talk you. About yesterday. Well, not yesterday, but what you told me yesterday, and how you asked for an answer ? I found one. I mean, found isn't really the right word, in fact I only-"

Regulus clicked his tongue, "Stop. Talking."

James did.

The tallest girl, Dorcas, poorly disguised a laugh behind a cough. Regulus shot her a murderous look, and that only made it seem harder for her to keep in her hilarity. Barty didn't even bother trying to be discreet, his amusement on display, eyes full of mirth.

Regulus' attention snapped back to him, and James, the fool that he was, couldn't stop from smilling at him sheepishly.

"There is nothing to talk about." He started, cold. "Or rather, I already told you everything, so..."

James gulped and shifted on his feet, and asked despite himself, "You meant it then ?"

The younger boy replied with a dark look, wiche could be interpreted as "Do you think I would ridicul myself telling you that if I didn't fucking mean it ?" or maybe it was just his way of saying "shut up, Potter !".

"Don't freaking count on me to repeat myself. And I told you to think about it and take your bloody time, so stop panicking and piss off." He ordered angryly, frowning.

"But I did think about it !" James retorted, no longer caring that they weren't alone. "All night long I thought about it, and that's what ? Twelve hours, give or take. I can make an informed decision with that much "bloody time" and come to the conclusion that I want to talk to you." He insisted, taking a step forward.

James towered over Regulus, and his eyes flickered to his friends, hopefully making the boy understand he would rather be in private. Thankfully, Regulus caved, working his jaw.

"Fine." He choked out. "Follow me." He ordered before heading himself toward the moving stairs, not sparing another look to him or his friends.

Barty snickered, and James was almost sure he heard Pandora wish him luck, but he could have been mistaken ; he was hurriedly falling in steps behind Regulus. They quickly reached the top of the staircase, and they went to an open alcove in a currently deserted corridor.

Regulus leaned against the wall, and locked his grey eyes on him. James was well aware of the chilling gaze fixed on him, but - like often - he couldn't seem to be finding the right words to express himself.

"So ?" Regulus roughly asked, breaking the ambiant silence.

Right, there was no point in posponing this. James was the one who demanded they talked, he couldn't back out now.

"I know you don't like when I ramble, so I'll make it short. Honestly, it all comes down to this anyway so just... Yes."

Regulus blinked, then his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "Yes ?"

"Yes, I'll go out with you." James added, feeling the nervous knot in his stomach thighten.

James chuckled, embarrassed. He knew he had to elaborate, and seing Regulus' feelings on display made him relax. He fell back on the wall opposed to Regulus, and let himself slide down against it, until he was sitting on the floor, elbows propped on his knees.

He looked up at Regulus, still speechless.

"I want to go out with you, give it a try. I was under the impression that you hated me, but... I've always wanted to know more about you, who you were and what you did." James admited, eyes shining behind his glasses.

He smiled at all the emotions flashing upon Regulus' features. His walls were down and James collected every details of his expression like treasures ; the tilt of his head ; the downward curve of his lips ; the fall of his curls ; the crease between his brows ; the vulnerability visible in his eyes...

"This is a chance I'm not willing to let pass me by. I want... I want to give us a chance, Regulus. Can I be your boyfriend ?" James asked with fake innocence, smirking.

Regulus fixed stare on him made his nerves resurface, espacially as his shock morphed into something brutal and hot and angry.

"No ! You're not supposed to react like that !" He finally shouted, to the total incomprehention of the other.

"E-excuse-me ?" James managed, confused.

"What do you mean, you're willing to try ? "Give us a chance" ?" He sneered. "Are you fucking dumb or something !? You don't realise what you're saying. You're still panicking aren't you ?"

"I am not !" James refuted, irked at the little faith Regulus had in him. "I told you, I thought about what I wanted, what you could mean to me. I'm sure of my decision."

"Bullshit ! If you had really thought this through, you couldn't say that." He denied with clenched teeth. "Do you realise what you're even doing ? You are agreeing to go out with me. You were certain I hated you ! I ignored you and treated you like shit, and even now I can't seem to speak to you correctly. After... After everything ? It's just impossible."

His voice broke on that last word, impossible, and Regulus averted his eyes, seeming unable to pronounce it while looking at him. James felt the air knocked out of his lungs, as that was possibly one of the most heartbreaking thing he'd ever witnessed. The sight of Regulus' pretend pride and strength crumbling in front of him was so unexpected and painful to watch. His armure of bravado and nonchalence withered, leaving the boy naked, bones of doubts and scars of insecurity on display.

For a second, an image flashed at the forefront of James' mind : Sirius, broken down, asking him if he could keep on loving James, if it wasn't a bother that he was always around, if James would be burdened by his overflowing affection for him.

Merlin, these brothers deserved so much more.

James allowed himself three shaky, deep breath. He stood up again, and slowly approached Regulus. He stopped only when he was close enough to feel the heat emanating from his body. The boy was still looking down, his eyes hiden behind his hair, but James' were on him, soft and delicate.

When he spoke, there was no hint of smile in his voice.

"Once, a few years back, Remus and I struck a deal." He started, voice low. "He was to give Quidditch a try, and I had to read one of his books. He gave up quickly, but I... Something about this book touched me, my heart. I can't quote literature the way I know you do, but there was this sentence that stuck with me, that strucked me as true. "Impossibility is only a kiss away from reality". I want to believe that. Regulus, it's impossible only if you let it be."

Ever so cautiously, James reached out and wrapped his hand around Regulus' thight fist, a feather light touch. Regulus whimpered, stubornly refusing to raise his head.

"During your first season as the Slytherins' Seeker, I was obsessed with the way you played, and went to all your matches and watched your practices..." James continued, barely exagerating an embarassing truth. "And when I learned you wrote poetry, I practically planned a heist to get a hold of you notebook. I admit it was mostly to have more teasing material, but I really just wanted to read through your mind."

James chuckled softly, and felt Regulus fist in his hand loosen a little.

"I suppose I too, let the impossiblity of it all deter me... But I can safely say I've always found you extremly pretty." James averted his eyes, cheeks heating faintly. "I uh, never allowed myself to think like that before, because you were Sirius' little brother. You are Sirius' brother, but he clearly gave me his blessing so-"

"You told Sirius ?" His head snapped up, and finally - finally - James could admire the blush on Regulus' cheeks.

His heart flutered at the sight, Regulus was absolutly adorable.

"Was I... Not supposed to tell Sirius ?" He asked, sheepish and gulty.

Regulus groaned and hit the back of his head against the wall, eyes falling shut, and blushing some more.

"He's the most dramatic person ever, he's going to be such a pain in the arse about it all ! I'm suprised he hasn't hexed me yet."

James snickered, shaking his head, "I doubt that. He's the most fervent supporter of this relationship, actually. I can admit that I did panick quite a bit, and he's the one who helped me calm down and think clearly about what I wanted. He's the one who convinced me I had everything to gain and nothing to lose."

Regulus' breathing was uneven. He was sceptic, unbelieving.

James took a step forward, the tip of their shoes now touching.

"He told me that your lo- Your affection was fucking precious, and that I was so very lucky to have it. He also trusted me with the mission to keep your heart unbroken, saying if I held onto it, he wouldn't have to worry about arsehold crushing it, and have detention for beating them up."

Regulus clicked his tongue, faking annoyence. But James could see his bottom lip tremble slightly, and the vein on his neck pulsing rapidly.

"My brother doesn't have a say in who gets to break, or hold my heart."

James swallowed, "But do I ?"

Regulus' lips parted, inhaling sharply.

"I... You'll regret it." He murmured, his eyes reflecting more doubts than James had ever seen in him before.

"Maybe not,"contered James, unmoving, too engrossed in the way he shared a breath with Regulus.

"Are you sure you want to go out with me ?" The youngest sighed, giving him one more chance to reconsider, almost reluctantly leaning closer.

James could clearly see his thoughts fighting inside his head, yet Regulus seemed unable to tear his gaze away from his. He responded with an imperceptible nod, not wanting to lose the connection between them.

"James..." Regulus spoke, breathless, his clouded eyes sinking to James' lips.

His name in Regulus' mouth and the lust in his eyes sent a jolt of desire through James' body. A shiver ran down his spine, a moan almost broke out of his troat. He was restless.

Regulus fist eased up completly, and he tangled their fingers together carefully, uncertain. His other hand made it's way up to James' loose tie, and James watched as he griped it eagerly.

"Can I ?" Regulus asked, their nose inadvertently brushing.

James swallowed and bent down even closer. Too close, yet too fucking far. He needed-

"Can I ?" Regulus breathed out again, a whimper.

James nodded. He nodded and yet Regulus didn't move, he stayed just out of reach, torturing him. James was in a daze, body warm and trembling and wanting. Had he ever been as desperate to kiss somebody ? No, James knew that. He had never craved the taste of someone else the way he did now.

Regulus' tongue slid out across his lips to dampen them, and James followed the mouvement hungrily. His breath caught in his troat. Regulus was still staring longinly at his own mouth, eyes unfocused behind those long lashes of his, brushing his cheek as his lids fluttered halfway shut. 

Then, one last time, Regulus begged more than he asked : "Can I ?"

"Yes, for heaven's sake. Yes, yes, yes, Regulus please-"

James' heart stopped the moment their lips grazed, and his eyes fell shut with delight.

He knew it was about to happen, had waited for it, yearned for it... Yet the kiss still managed to catch him off guard. Because, how could anyone be prepared for this ? For the feel of Regulus melting up against him, places touching where they shouldn't, burning through his cloths.

Their lips brushed a few time, timid and tentative, breath fanning across each other's open mouth as they waited for the other to make a move, hoping they would deepen the exchange.

But kissing Regulus was soft. Softer than anything he has ever known. Soft like a first snow fall, soft like biting into cotton candy, like being weightless. It was so effortlessly soft. His lips smooth, falling open at the brush of James' tongue, welcoming him, inviting him closer, closer, closer.

Kissing Regulus was desperate. The breathy sounds he made as James backed him up against the wall, pinning a hand on the side of his head, the other grasping his hip as he sucked on his bottom lip. The downright sinful moan Regulus let out as his finger twined into his messy hair, clenching into a fist and tugging, tugging, tugging.

Kissing Regulus was hot. Teeth biting at his lip, body pressing down on his as James couldn't stop himself from just... Sloppily licking into his mouth, making him arch his back more, more, more.

Kissing Regulus was feasting.

Kissing Regulus was sinking.

Kissing Regulus was unending and not enough, not enough, not enough.