Cursed academic

Harry was not feeling nervous about the four tables looking at his every move or the weird-looking long-bearded man standing close to the podium. He wished for so long to walk that path, to close the distance with the hat and finally live the story that her father repeated to him time and time again. He shrugged his shoulders at the contact with the raggedy material, the hat was heavier than it looked. And then, the sudden sensation of not being completely alone in his head, an invader, a visitor, not something painful or uncomfortable but peculiar. Almost exciting.

‘’ Well, well, not the first Potter to walk this grounds. But.’’ There was no conclusion to that sentence, no big revelation. Whatever the magical object could fathom, he decided to not share that piece of information. ‘’I see much ambition, good Slytherin material.’’

‘’But my family are all Gryffindors.’’

‘’ Is it in your desires fitting in? Or do you keep close to your heart something else?’’ The boy couldn't answer, such an intricate question and he was, still, just a child. But he was sure of one thing, he was destined for greatness. He wanted to test himself, prove himself, he wanted to be more than the child of. And that very same though was the one who pushed the hat to scream on resolution.

‘’ SLYTHERIN!’’  The green table exploded in celebration and cheerful words of welcome towards the young wizard, who approached his new companions with a big smile. The ones not so happy about the conclusion were the Marauders, who could barely disguise their disgust. 

Much to Remus's demise, even if he did not like the idea of Harry being a Slytherin, he understood the reasoning. Harry was constantly being compared to his father, being pushed to be as good as, better than, just like. He never had the chance to be his own person, to find his voice and his personality outside his father’s shadow which was long and inescapable. He was trapped and for that, Slytherin meant freedom. Meant an opportunity of finding his own space and identity. He deserved that. But his friends had a very different opinion, waiting to speak their minds till the table was set and their plates were full. The first one to break the silence after the last first year got assigned, was Sirius.

‘’ It can’t be, can it? It is a mistake, we can talk to Dumbledore and he will fix it, right?’’ He mumbled, using his fork to play with his food as if his comment was not childish enough.

‘’ Like hell we will, he can’t be a Slytherin. My father was a Gryffindor, my grandfather was a Gryffindor, my great grand-’’

‘’ As much as I enjoy listening to your family line rendezvous, you both know that once the hat settles his mind, there is not much to do about it. You should make amends with it, try.’’ The wolf's voice was as calm as it could be, trying to bring some reason to the nonsense. But it did not work and got the dog all hot and bothered.

‘’Bullshit. No, no, he’s not going to bloody Slytherin! They will poison him, they will turn him into a Death Eater, a fucking criminal! He will become evil! A shit person! He is my godson, I will not allow him to bring us such a fucking shame!’’ The way he collapsed his fist on the table attracted all the attention, earning some disapproving looks. But the only one who dared to mimic his voice tone, raising her words for the dog’s ears, was her.

‘’ A shit person, funny, shouldn’t the one who talks like this about children be called such thing?’’ She was holding a glass of orange juice, licking her lips after the first sip. Differing from the trio, she did not look disturbed. There was something upsetting about her, her stillness. The way she smiled elegantly as if she could hide the venom in her voice, laced with animosity. Rage. Not the kind exhibited in a movie, not the dramatic and performative, but the one that burns a city to the ground. Female rage was signed by the stillness that surrounded the professor. ‘’I will make myself clear, I do not care who you are. If you speak ill about my students, you will be gone. If you’re not capable of overcoming your bigotry and prejudice, fine, be a lame and thick man anywhere else. I have not a single care for you in my heart, if you want to be brainless, if you want to make a fool of yourself, please do. But the next time you raise your voice, I will not have it.’’ She emphasized her last words, directing her eyes straight towards the dog, holding eye contact. She didn’t look down, not shying away, she kept her smiling line as a perfected threat.

The only answer she could get was the mad dog mumbling curses while storming out of the great hall, followed by his not-as-dramatic friends. 

She did not look phased by the spectacle, she was used to the dramatic antiques of hormonal teenagers, but something was bothering her. Barely touching her food, a couple of sips of the juice was enough to excuse herself in a much more appropriate manner, trying to not raise McGonagalls’ alarms. She knew that her colleague would be worried about her and if there was one thing Catalina did not like, was worrying the ones around her. A soft smile to assure the old lady that everything was just as fine and she was ready to go, pacing around the hallways.

Some alone-time, very much needed, before all the students were released to find their way to the common rooms or escape from the Prefects and go on exploring the castle by themselves. She liked doing the same thing, discovering quiet spots to rest her mind or, perhaps, unravel her thoughts. 

She did not like the taste of anger, the burst of boiling blood, or the tempest shaking every single ounce of self-restraint. But this time, it was not the negative feeling or the need to cool down, it was the confirmation that the treatment one could get still depended on housing. There were many memories floating around, conversations about injustice, frustration, and the incapability of helping out. Of reaching him. Her heart ached with the remembrance of that sad boy crying profusely in solitude, choking on his loneliness. Only the smell of smoke and burned cigarettes brought her back, realizing that she was standing in the hallway of the courtyard. Looking around, trying to find the source of such smell and hoping it was not a student, she found a lanky and apologetic figure. 

‘’ I am sorry to interrupt your train of thought, Professor Lua. I wanted to apologize for my friend’s behaviour, he was completely unacceptable. I’m sorry.’’ Curious how the man communicated more with his eyes, leaning his head down as some sort of remorseful animal. His eyes, the little wrinkles around them, and the deep rusty colour consuming his dilated pupils. He was repentant, physically, he showed submission. And she arched one of her brows instinctively, surprised.

‘’ It not yours the duty of asking forgiveness for you have not committed any wrong, professor…I recall your friends calling you Remus.’’

‘’ I’m so sorry, we didn’t even get to have a proper introduction. Remus John Lupin, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. This is my first academic job.’’ He was not as calm as he seemed, she realized. His hands clenched on his oversized robe, twisting his fingers along the fabric. Even filled with that anxiety, he did not reject her gaze. He wanted to look at her, bathed by the faint lights from the candles and the half-moon. 

With her back towards the stone-structured window, she calmed her shoulders and let her body rest in a much more natural position, not as straight, not as formal. Her hair danced with the night wind, locks of warm autumn swaying softly in harmony.

‘’ Congratulations on the job, still, no need to keep apologizing. Professor Lupin, you should not hold yourself responsible for whatever those two hotheads do. They’re grown-ups, they shall understand what they have to do.’’ She had that faith. That people will be able to learn and improve past all blood and bruises, there was always hope for becoming a better person. ‘’I have a friend. He was studying here, I was in Beauxbatons so we had to keep in touch by letter. They kept getting worse each year, I had to read about the loneliness, the harassment, the abuse, the rejection. His brother left him alone, he was too green for him.’’ Breathe out, the memories were not painless. A younger and bitter version of herself trying to hold on to the boy, to get her words engraved into his brain and to let him know that he was not then, nor ever, alone. 

‘’ I understand your concern but you have to know that this is much more complicated than house rivalry. Slytherins were active members of a war, they killed people. They wanted to do terrible things and it is hard to let go of that. And the boys sitting at that green table, are their sons and daughters. Death Eater’s sons.’’ Surprisingly, Remus was offering a piece of his mind about a topic he never spoke about. He never seemed to be calm enough to voice his thoughts, somehow, she kept his nerves down. Soothing, easing. 

‘’ Do you think it’s fair, Professor Lupin? To punish the son for the sins of the father. To make generations pay for what their ancestors did. If they were as bad as you said, what makes you think that they are better parents than wizards? Doesn’t it mean that those children endured abuse and torture during most of their lives? And then, when they reach Hogwarts, what waits for them is not comfort or safety. It’s a neverending trial, accusation, and isolation.’’ Frowning, she did not look enraged but something much more painful for the wolf: deception. The sad curl on her lips, how she stole him the privilege of their eyes connecting for a longer time. She did back down, imposing more distance between them. 

‘’ I guess it didn’t occur to me, that point of view. I’m so-’’

‘’ Don’t apologize for something you don’t feel or your word will become something you won’t be proud of, and that is the real tragedy. Have a good night, professor.’’ 

The cold amber in her voice echoed in Remus's ears, following him to his chambers and finding a home in his dreamless night. He couldn’t forget how her voice, once lukewarm, turned into ice. Again, the stillness. 

She was as intricate and difficult as the moon, everchanging, ever-truthful and bewildering.