Chapter 15
Draco felt a sense of contentment overwhelm him entirely as he stepped out of the land rover and back on the farm. The Christmas holidays- three and a half weeks back on the farm and among the people he now counted as his family- stretched out before him, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Tadgh stepped out behind him and Draco turned and grinned at him.
You’re happy? Tadgh signed at him and Draco nodded. When Draco had first written about Tadgh, the boy had used hearing aids, and so Draco hadn’t realised yet that he was deaf. At the uni though, Tadgh joined a Deaf society and was embracing being culturally Deaf, meaning he wore his hearing aids less and less, and a lot of Draco’s free time had been taken up with learning sign, both from Tadgh and videos on the internet.
They had explained this to Remus in the car, who had texted ahead to let Sirius and Harry know. Tadgh had brought his hearing aids with him, for ease and practicality, but he basically never wore them around Draco. Now they had arrived, he put them in as they made the short walk to the farmhouse, where lunch was waiting. The farmhouse was an explosion of fairy lights, draped from every chimney and windowsill, and it looked like a dream. Fairy lights also adorned all the bushes and trees, and Draco noted from afar that someone had even taken the time to decorate his cottage. It felt like walking into a mini winter wonderland, even though the lights were barely visible against the white winter sky. Harry and Sirius were waiting inside, and a large bowl of pasta sat steaming in the middle.
Draco introduced Tadgh to everyone, and didn’t fail to notice that Harry was somewhat curt towards his friend. Draco just assumed Harry had gone back to how he had been in the early summer, and sighed, prepared for a slightly less good Christmas than he had been expecting. After lunch, Draco took Tadgh back to the cottage, and was pleasantly surprised to see that someone-likely Remus- had already set up the sofa with blankets and pillows for him. Draco went into the bedroom to sort out his own things whilst Tadgh sorted out his little overnight bag- he was going home on the train tomorrow morning. When Draco emerged, he saw that Tadgh had taken off his hearing aids and signed You want a tour? And Tadgh nodded enthusiastically, so Draco pulled on his walking boots and they set off.
Much like he had done with Pansy, he took Tadgh all around before going to the orchard last. It was much colder now though, so napping in the grass was less of an option. Instead, they sat on overturned logs and chatted. Tadgh told Draco how much he loved the farm, and how kind Remus and Sirius were, which made Draco really happy. After a few hours, it got much too cold, even in their big fleeces and coats, and so they made their way back. About fifteen minutes from the farmhouse they bumped into Harry. “I was sent t’get youse for dinner.” he said by way of explanation. Draco turned and relayed this back to Tadgh, who nodded, and looped his arm through Draco’s.
Harry looked at their interlinked arms with narrowed eyes, before turning around and walking back to the house in silence. Draco rolled his eyes behind Harry’s back. He really thought they had gotten past this childish behaviour, but maybe him going away had erased any progress. It was a shame as much as it was an irritation though; before he left Draco had really enjoyed his friendship with Harry.
Dinner was a full roast; Remus’ speciality, and it was delicious. Draco had forgotten how good the food was, having spent so long eating like a true uni student. He tried to talk with Harry, who replied pretty well to him, but was still treating Tadhg with a lot of indifference, which was weird. After dinner, Tadgh and Draco returned to the cottage, and sat on the sofa talking late into the night. At some point, the conversation naturally petered out and they sat in comfortable silence in the lamplight. Then Tadgh turned to Draco, drawing one of his legs up onto the sofa.
You like Harry Tadgh signed, and Draco wasn’t sure how to respond.
What do you mean? Draco asked, and Tadgh gave him a soft smile.
You like Harry, a lot. Tadgh repeated.
I wish I didn’t Draco signed, sighing.
Why, did something happen? Did you kiss? Was it bad? Tadgh signed in quick succession. Still relatively new to it, it took Draco a while to figure it out.
No, I’ve never kissed anyone Draco replied and Tadgh scoffed.
Really?
Yes, Really. Draco said, feeling distinctly embarrassed.
Well we have to change that Tadgh signed, and by the time Draco had worked out what he meant, Tadgh had shifted forward on the sofa so their legs were touching, and lifted a hand to Draco’s face.
“Is this okay?” Tadgh asked, and Draco just nodded. He wasn’t attracted to Tadgh like that, but Tadgh was attractive. He was tall, mixed race Irish and Sri Lankan, with thick curly hair and deep dark eyes that always shone with mirth. Slowly, as if giving him time to back away, Tadgh brought his face towards Draco’s, and their lips met. Tadgh’s lips were soft and full, and he kissed gently, and slowly. Draco liked it- he really liked it, but he couldn’t stop thinking about what it would feel like if it was Harry sat across from him, Harry’s hand cradling his cheek and jaw, Harry’s hair tickling his forehead. He felt a bit guilty, but he also knew that this wasn’t a romantic kiss, this was a kind kiss. This was Tadgh allowing Draco to experience this with someone he liked and trusted, even if not romantically, and though it could have felt pitying, or like charity, it didn’t. It felt exactly like Tadgh’s brand of friendship, which was what had made Draco like him so much in the first place.
After a few minutes, Tadgh pulled away. Okay? He signed and Draco nodded again.
More than okay. I liked it Draco signed and Tadgh laughed, leaning in again slightly to tuck a strand of hair behind Draco’s ear. Draco had continued letting it grow long, and now it grew in a silken sheet almost to his shoulders.
It’s late. Bed? Draco asked and Tadgh nodded, giving Draco a chaste kiss on the cheek as Draco stood and made his way into the bedroom. Draco got into his pyjamas and got into bed in a daze, and lay there with his fingertips pressed to his lips and a soft smile on his face. He had had his first kiss! It might not have been the erection-inducing fireworks Pansy had always told him it would be, but it had been safe, and soft. It had been lovely, and Draco was grateful that Tadgh had been his first in that way. He fell asleep with the smile still on his face.
The next morning, Remus woke them up and took them for a light breakfast of cereal and toast before driving them back to the station. The two shared a quick hug before Tadgh got on the train, and vague promises to see each other again before uni started in the new year.
“As Sirius has appointed us your honorary fathers I have t’ask, is tha’ your boyfriend?” Remus asked in the car on the way home, Draco blushed, remembering the kiss of the night before but shook his friend.
“No, nothing like that. Tadgh is just the best friend I’ve made at uni.” Draco said, staring intently out the window in the hopes that Remus wouldn’t see his pink cheeks.
“He seems a good sort,” Remus agreed, nodding, and they chatted aimlessly about other things. Only once they got out of the car did Draco realise what Remus had referred to himself and Sirius as, and he had to bite his cheek to stop grinning.
When he had his first riding lesson of the winter with Harry, Draco braced himself for the sullen, surly Harry to return but to his surprise, Harry acted really friendly. Really, really friendly. He also kept touching Draco, just little things, like adjusting Draco’s helmet, which he hadn’t done since the first time Draco had ridden. He then held his hand out to help Draco on, as if Draco had forgotten how to mount in the three month break. He then tapped Draco on the thigh to signify the end of the lesson, and clapped him on the shoulder as they left the stables at the very end. Draco felt them linger long after Harry had stopped touching him, but even at the end of the summer, when he and Harry were at their closest, Harry hadn’t been that… touchy feely. And after Harry’s weird reaction to Tadgh, Draco didn’t know what to make of it.
He said all of this to Hermione when she came round to see him that evening. It had been amazing to see her, she had hugged him so hard he had stopped breathing for a second, and it was amazing to feel that she still liked him so much. They then retreated back to the cottage and Hermione had told him all about her law course, and he had told her all about uni and how he was finding it. He then cautiously brought up Harry’s unusual behaviour. Hermione smiled, but said it was likely because this late in the year farm work in the cold made him cranky, and he was just trying to make up for his less-than-warm welcome by being overly effusive. The glint in her eyes and the smirk she couldn’t quite suppress didn’t make him believe her, but he had no other explanation, and so kind of had to accept hers.
They watched another film together and sat cheek-by-jowl on the sofa, before Hermione went to say goodbye to everyone else and go home. Draco stayed in the living room for a bit, doing some reading for uni, before getting bored and going to bed. As he was getting ready, he heard voices, and moved closer to the window. It was Hermione and Harry, and Draco had missed the beginning of the conversation.
“I don’t ken it, ‘Mione. I keep thinking about him, and seeing him in a relationship just makes me feel… angry? Sad? I don’t like it.” Harry said. Draco felt like someone had poured cold water all over him. The knowledge that Harry clearly liked someone- even if he didn’t know it yet- made him feel sad, and a bit sick. Wishful thinking might have made Draco hope that Harry was talking about him, but Harry had said this other man was in a relationship, and Draco had never had one of those. Draco fell asleep in a bad mood, the positive feelings that lingered after the kiss all washed away.
Harry woke him up in the wee hours, and Draco had forgotten how much changed between the summer and winter. He was so cold he was shivering before he even got out of bed. Layering up in as many jumpers and fleeces he could find, and putting thermal leggings under his work trousers, Draco walked a step or two behind Harry, watching his breath fog in the frosty air. It was also pitch black, and Draco, preoccupied by thoughts of the night before, walked right into Harry’s back. Harry turned and steadied him, and Draco felt the heat of Harry’s hands on his shoulders soak through the three layers he was wearing. It lingered, and Draco realised that this was because Harry’s hands were still on his shoulders.
“Uh, thanks. It's too dark to see” Draco said awkwardly, taking a step back. Belatedly, Harry let go and snorted awkwardly. “If you think you can’t see, think abou’ me” Harry said, forcing a laugh. When they’d done the cows, Harry hesitated outside the barn before saying “come look at this” and leading Draco up onto the fell. At first, Draco wondered what he was looking at, but then a soft, pale yellow glow emerged from the valley beneath them, on the other side of the farm. Draco gasped as the light grew, spreading outwards and upwards and gilding the sky golden. Draco turned to Harry and almost whimpered. The beauty of the sunrise was nothing in comparison to the sunrise glinting off of Harry’s glasses, painting his face in gold. Draco watched him as the sun rose, wishing he was a painter so he could capture that moment; preserve it in immortality. Instead, he committed it to memory, the fog of Harry’s breath, the curl of his hair, the slope of his nose. And to think, Harry wished there was someone else there, soaking in the vision. Draco was just grateful he got to have this for the time being, before internally scolding himself for being maudlin.
The morning’s work was conducted somewhat awkwardly after that, mostly stemming from Draco, who couldn’t help but be reminded that Harry wanted someone, which pushed him so far out of the running, not that he’d had much chance to begin with, really. When Harry asked him what was wrong, Draco replied with “tiredness”
“Missing Tadgh?” Harry asked, turning away from Draco, which Draco found odd- both the question and the action.
“I mean no, not really. He’s just a uni friend, and I’ve only known him for three months” Draco said, shrugging as he went to roll another hay bale over to where they were feeding the horses.
“Just a uni friend?” Harry said, a weird emotion in his voice.
“Yeah?” Draco asked “why?”
“Nowt, you just, would make a nice couple, I guess,” Harry said and Draco’s heart fell again. Now Harry was trying to set him up with other people? Clearly Draco had never even crossed Harry's mind as a romantic option and it hurt a little bit.
“Oh, no, I don’t like him like that,” Draco said, and Harry just hummed before going back to the horses. Draco pondered over that conversation for the rest of the day.