4
As soon as his hand comes down to his side, Regulus feels light headed.
What is he doing? With no mask, no gloves, no protection. Is he fucking insane? He should just turn around and play ding dong ditch with Sirius. Regulus is literally out of his mind, he shouldn’t be doing this.
But, he can’t force himself to leave. His gaze is fixed on one spot on the door. A picture. It’s a polaroid taped to the door, with stickers on it. It seems to be a very old picture from the state of it but he can tell who’s in it. Very clearly. It’s a picture of Sirius and James, together but far away from each other. They’re laughing, teeth shown and cheeks red. All smiles. A few people in the background stick out too; the red head, Remus, their short friend, Peter. But, another person, just far enough away that you wouldn’t see it, catches his eye the most.
It’s Regulus. In the far back, almost cut out but he can tell it’s him. It was during the end of the year feast, during Sirius’ fourth year and Regulus’ third year. He can see Pandora’s hair next to him but her entire face and body is cut out.
He turns his eyes away, focusing them back on the main focus on the picture; Sirius and James. He wonders if Sirius or anyone in his group have realized he’s in the back. Surely not, since Sirius would not be proudly showing this off on his door. It would have been torn up or a sharpie would be colored over Regulus.
Against his will, his hand goes up to knock on the door. This time a little harder and a little louder. Sirius is definitely asleep and growing up with him has taught Regulus that he’ll sleep through just about anything. Not even smacking a pan around his head would wake him up. The hospital could be burning down and Sirius wouldn’t wake up from the smoke or the loud alarms. Someone could be dying right next door and he’d wonder why everyones in distress the next morning.
The only thing Regulus believes would wake Sirius right up would be if James was the person dying next door. He probably would sense where and when it would happen before it does happen.
A groan escapes Regulus and he almost kicks at the door. He grinds his teeth, giving two more firm hard knocks.
“Sirius!” He shouts, not aware that others can hear him.
Finally, after one last loud rasp, the door opens.
Regulus watches as it opens to a pitch dark room and reveals a sleepy Sirius. His hair is a mess, tangled up and he's wearing clothes ten sizes too big. He’s got dried up drool on the side of his face and he looks- …older.
This isn’t the first time Regulus has seen his brother since he ran away from home. He’s seen him plenty. Always around school, at lunch, dinner, in hallways. But, never really up close. Not after Sirius gave up on following Regulus around school after he left, pleading and saying bullshit to him. That was third year Sirius though, almost like the Sirius in the picture on the door.
But, the Sirius standing in front of him is so much older. This is seventh year Sirius. Sirius who looks tired of life, Sirius who looks exhausted of living, Sirius who looks as though he can’t catch a break. Sirius who doesn’t look like he’s eating properly or taking care of himself. He’s got deep, dark circles underneath his eyes. The rims of his eyelids are red and his eyes are just puffy in general, as if he had cried himself to sleep. His face is blotchy and hollow. He looks miserable.
Regulus doesn’t know what to say. Just taking Sirius in is causing him to stop short. His tongue feels tied and his thoughts have stopped completely, just taking Sirius in. He doesn’t know what he expected but certainly not this. Is this how Regulus looks to his friends? Is this why they worry so much? Because he looks this awful?
Sirius seems to be doing the same as Regulus. He’s just standing there, eyes wide, mouth parted open. He doesn’t seem to know what to do except roam his eyes all over Regulus, inspecting him and processing everything.
It feels as though time has stopped completely. It’s gone completely silent, or maybe it just seems like that. Regulus wouldn’t know. He just can’t believe what’s standing in front of him. This is not the Sirius he remembers.
Finally, he clears his throat. The sound snaps Sirius out of his trace and he seems to try and pull himself together. He furrows his brows at Regulus, opening his mouth and then shutting it again.
“Regulus?”
“Could you move?”
“What?”
Regulus makes a gesture with his hand. “Six feet.”
“Oh!” Sirius says, seeming to have forgotten they could kill each other.
He moves further back in his dark room, almost hitting the window on the opposite side. Regulus slowly walks in, regretting everything that led him to this moment. He should have just slept it off, but no, he had to think this could work without being awkward.
Regulus closes the door behind them, not really wanting a nurse to see they’re talking with each other. He could care less about the nurse lecturing them on their safety- he cares more about the fact he’s talking with his brother. In Regulus’ mind, that’s more fucking embarrassing. Who would want to be caught dead, talking to Sirius O. Black?
He turns the light on and has to restrain himself from making a noise. Sirius’ room is an absolute mess. A proper mess. Clothes are everywhere, in piles on the floor, some hang on the chair by the desk. There are even fucking towels sitting in places, not even close to the bathroom. His medcart looks like a death wish, not even organized, just bottles of pills sitting anywhere. Regulus feels like dying. Who could live like this?
Regulus shakes himself. He isn’t here to complain about the slob Sirius is. He’s here because for once in Regulus’ life, he needs Sirius’ help.
“I need your help.”
Sirius cocks an eyebrow up, his face going through a mix of emotions.
“Fuck you.”
Regulus wasn’t expecting that.
“What?”
“Fuck you, Regulus.”
“Fuck you, Sirius.”
Sirius throws his hands up, scoffing loudly. Regulus furrows his brows, completely confused. Did he say something wrong? Regulus thought he was being completely clear. He isn’t repeating what he said either.
“Really? The first thing you say to me is that you need my help?”
“Technically, the first thing I said to you was for you to move.”
Sirius gives him a look, daggers in his eyes. He’s red in the face, eyes narrow, fists clenched by his sides. His jaw works and Regulus rolls his eyes. This is nonsense.
“Will you hear me out or no?” Regulus asks, folding his arms against his chest.
“No, you hear me out,” Sirius says, pointing at him. “No word from you, in years. Years, Regulus! You fucking tuned me out of the world, pretending I didn’t exist-”
“Oh, really. We’re going on about this now. Give it a fucking break Sirius.” Regulus shouts, throat tight.
“-and the first thing you say to me is that you need help? Not even a fucking, hello, or how you doing, or sorry? No, go fuck yourself Regulus.”
“Sorry? What would I be apologizing for? You should be the one muttering sorry to me.” Regulus rasps, wishing for nothing but to sink into the floor and die. Could they have had this conversation another day? This is pointless, Regulus just needed one thing and Sirius can’t even do that without bringing up their past.
“I should be the one saying sorry? Why, Regulus? Because I left? Eat shit.”
“No, because you fucking left me.” Regulus yells, his chest hurting and eyes burning. His jaw shakes and he quickly looks away, hot turns threatening to flow down his face. He breathes heavily, biting harshly on his bottom lip, begging himself not to cry. He’s not even sad, he’s fucking fumming. But, of course, he’s a fucking baby who needs to cry to express himself. Regulus can’t believe himself.
Sirius stays quiet. Regulus hears shuffling from Sirius, no doubt moving around to prevent himself from knocking something over. Sirius was always like that when experiencing anger. Destroying things that came in contact with him, throwing anything that was throwable or likely to smash and create a mess, stomping to create trash. Sirius was aggressive when he was mad, Regulus cried.
“I didn’t leave you.” Sirius mumbles.
“Okay.” Regulus whispers. What else is he supposed to say? If Sirius has convinced himself all these years that he didn’t leave Regulus then, sure, okay, fine, whatever.
“I didn’t, Reg.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“I was going to come back for you.” Sirius says.
“Well, you didn’t,” Regulus turns back to him.
Sirius instantly looks to the floor. “I tried, Regulus. Believe me.”
“Okay.”
Sirius breathes out, nodding his head. Regulus leans back against the door, his hand drifting upwards to the handle. He should just leave. Leave Sirius here in his delusions and pretend this never happened. Hide away under his covers and cry until the sun hits the blanket and his alarm goes off, presenting a new day where he’ll live in agony and with that invisible itch.
But, he stays.
Sirius looks back up, his face flushed with emotions. Regulus notices a few wet spots on his cheeks.
“What do you need help with?” He says, quietly.
“James.”
Sirius physically throws his head back, confusion written all over his face. He squints at him. “James?”
“Yes.”
“What’s wrong with James? Is he pissing you off or something? Look I-”
“No. No, Sirius, just-” Regulus says, going through his hair with his fingers, scratching at his scalp violently. “Are you taking your medication? Following with your regimen? Doing everything in your power to try and get new lungs?”
“Yeah? Why?” Sirius says, obviously still not getting it.
Regulus squints. “Are you lying?”
“Why would I lie?”
“Because.”
Sirius gives him a look.
“Why isn’t James doing his regimen then?” Regulus says, just letting it out in the air.
“I don’t know what you're talking about,” Sirius says, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “He’s doing his regimen and everything. Just like me and you.”
“No. No he’s not.”
“Yes, he is. Go ask him right now.”
“Sirius-”
“What?”
“Sirius, I’ve been talking to him, okay? I know it all,” Regulus says, fed up. “He told me verbally he isn’t doing his fucking medication and I saw his regimen with my own eyes. It was beyond dreadful. Almost fucking passed out looking at it. I know about his B. Cepacia. I know that-”
“What?”
Regulus shoots his eyebrows up. “What?”
“Say that again.” Sirius says, eyes wide.
“Say what again?”
“Just-” Sirius closes his eyes, hands going up to run aggressively down his face.
“He told me he isn’t doing his meds, his regimen is a playmat, he has B. Cepacia-”
“That. Say that again.”
“He has B. Cepacia?”
“Yes.” Sirius whispers, removing his hands from his face and looking at Regulus with emotions Regulus can’t point out.
“Did you not know that or something?”
“Are you fucking with me?” Sirius asks.
“No? Listen-”
“Did he tell you he has B. Cepacia?”
“He did and a nurse did,” Regulus says, half shrugging. “Why?”
“How did you know and not me?”
Regulus shrugs again, feeling like this was a really bad idea.
“But can-”
“James told you directly?”
Regulus nods. “Yes, I told you already. Can you just fucking listen for a second?”
“Get out.”
Regulus gives him a bewildered look. “What? Sirius, just fucking listen.”
“No, get out. I need you to leave, Regulus,” Sirius says, pointing to the door behind Regulus.
“No, just listen! Please.”
“What then?!”
“He’s fucking me up!” Regulus shouts, keeping eye contact with Sirius.
Sirius blinks at him. “Fucking you up? What kind of fucking-”
“Sirius I swear-”
Sirius literally giggles, cutting Regulus off. Regulus grinds his teeth. How is he related to a fucking imbecile?
“Sirius. Just please. Go tell James to do his fucking plan, take his pills, be healthy, and repeat. I can’t do this.” Regulus pleads, pulling at his hair.
“But how is James screwing with you? I don’t understand-”
“He just is! Please, Sirius. Just tell him. He’ll listen to you. Please.”
“Fine, sure. I was already planning to do that since I’ve just learned he’s been telling my own brother things he should be telling me but sure. For you Reggie, I’ll do it,” Sirius says, sarcasm written in his tone. He points to the door. “Now, leave. Fuck off.”
“Pleasure.” Regulus mumbles, turning around and swinging the door open before slamming it shut for good measure.
He groans loudly, tears springing up in his eyes but he quickly blinks them away. Regulus will not cry in front of his brother's door. He refuses too. Once he’s away from everyone, alone in the safety of his room, he’ll weep until his lungs can’t support him. He’ll yank his hair out and punch his pillow until he feels better.
He’s so stupid. Why did he go through with this? This was beyond idiotic. All it led to was more drama between him and Sirius. Why couldn’t Sirius just fucking leave it be and listen to him? It could have been an in and out situation, but of course Sirius can’t have something so simple. He has to bring in every little thing between him and Regulus. Regulus wants to scream.
Storming off, he slams his own door shut. He had hoped it would have fallen off its hinges but not everything can go Regulus’ way. A conversation with his dear brother can’t go his way so why should a door listen to him?
Regulus scoffs. Everythings so fucked. But, hey. At least he made James’ life a little miserable. Just like he’s been doing to Regulus’. He’ll have to endure the anger of Sirius now which Regulus almost smiles at. Maybe Sirius will throw something hard and solid at his head, finally putting James to sleep and maybe, just maybe, Regulus will then sleep a little sounder. The itch will go away and the James problem will be solved.
-
When Regulus leaves, Sirius finally falls.
Right to his knees, Sirius stays there, letting out a croaked sob as tears roll down his cheeks in uneven trails. He can’t process what just happened. He literally can’t. So much in so little time was said to him. He can’t even process the fact that he just spoke to his brother properly for the first time in years just happened right in front of him. In his fucking room.
He sobs for a long time, staying on the floor. He rolls around, like a child, punching the floor and hugging his knees. His hair gets in his mouth and snot floods down his face, catching in his mouth and his hair. He can’t seem to care though. Sirius can’t seem to care.
Sirius feels every emotion for the rest of the night for different reasons. Firstly, because of Regulus. God, how much he changed. Sirius can’t stand it. He wishes they were ten and nine again. Just little kids, oblivious to the world around them, oblivious to the hatred their parents gave to them, the cruelness and coldness of their illness and what it would do to them. Sirius can’t stand it.
How much he changed. Sirius can’t believe it. His face is so much older, it looks older and seems older. His face, so hollow and skinny, as if he hasn’t eaten in years with deep bags underneath his eyes, carrying him down. His body, so lanky and thin, Sirius could practically see his ribs poking out of his shirt, his hip bones projecting out and poking his sides. He could almost see his reflection in his skin. Regulus looks as though he hasn’t seen the sun in years, he looks as though he barely knows what the sun is. It’s sad. Really, it is.
Sirius wishes, for once, he never left. He knows it was for the better, he really does. It brought nothing but happiness in his life for once. Even with the harsh reality with this sickness he has to bear with. He is happy. But, Regulus. It paid a price. Either be happy with the best people in the world and leave the person he swore he would protect during the dark times of the night where mother was angry and father was drunk or stay with the darkness and suffer the blows of the people who were supposed to love you and watch Regulus suffer as well, as he got older.
He regrets it, for once. He should have stayed. He should have. Sirius was supposed to protect Regulus and now, Regulus looks as Sirius did. It’s just cruel. It’s brutal.
Maybe he should have tried harder. Done more than what he had to work with to get Regulus out of there. Does Regulus actually believe him? That he tried everything in his power to help him? Sirius knows deep down Regulus doesn’t believe anything Sirius says nowadays but he has that one little shred of hope still trying to give him a bit of light to situations. Hopefully, Regulus knows. Maybe Regulus has that little bit of hope too.
Sirius feels sick to his stomach. He rolls over to the other side, wiping his mouth and nose in the process with his sleeve. The coldness of the floor sticks to his wet cheek and Sirius soaks it in. It grounds him a bit. Just a bit. He still feels dizzy.
He swallows, trying to slow his breathing and calm down. But, his head is scrambling. He has more he needs to feel but Sirius can’t do it right now. He doesn’t want to. Thinking about it hurts, and he doesn’t want to hurt. He wants to just go to sleep and wake up to James pounding on the door and then hearing Minnie or Poppy scold him off.
But, James.
Sirius feels anger bubble up. He narrows his eyes, feeling so fucking lost. How could James not tell him? This is important information. Not something you could just dust under the rug. B. Cepacia is life or fucking death, does James not know that? He could literally die. His lungs are fried, there’s no cure, there’s so little research, there’s not even hope that could save James. But, he could have told him. He should have told him. Effie and Monty should have told him. Why hadn’t they?
Do they not trust Sirius? Surely not. He’s proven himself to be an alright lad. He cleans the dishes, sets the table, makes his bed and keeps his room kind of clean, he always listens to them, so why hadn’t they told him? It makes no sense. Did he do something? Did James tell them to shut their mouths? Had he really wanted Sirius not to know?
But, why? That’s the fucking question. Why? Why couldn’t Sirius know? Sirius was James’ best friend, he could have helped him through this, provided him support, made sure Poppy and Minnie were doing everything in their powers to help James. Sirius would literally find a cure to help James. He would do anything for him so why hadn’t James just fucking told him?
Tears well up in his eyes again and Sirius lets them fall, his face crumbling. Everything is so fucked right now and Sirius doesn’t know what to do. What should he do? Should he just walk up to James’ room right now and knock until the door flies off and scold him for not telling Sirius? Yell at him until his lungs cause him suffering? Then, should he cry and say he’s so sorry for not providing James the support he needs for his illness he needs to battle?
Should he walk up to Regulus’ door and burst it open, pouring out his heart and beg Regulus to forgive him? Plead on his knees, kiss his shoes, and promise him bullshit to make him forgive Sirius and take him back as a brother? Promise him that he’ll save him from that house, make sure mother and father can’t do anything to Regulus anymore? Shield him away like he should’ve all those years ago? Make up for lost time?
Sirius doesn’t know. He just wants to lay on the floor until the sun shines through the curtains and then stay in his room until Minnie or Poppy drag him out for rotting around. He wants to cry and yell and destroy things but he doesn’t have the energy to do that. Sirius wants to call James and tell him all he knows and tell him James should have just fucking told him. Sirius wants to write a letter to Regulus and tell him everything; that he misses him, that he’s sorry, that he just wants to see Regulus.
He doesn’t do any of that. He peels himself off the floor before laying down in his bed, facing the window. He looks through the little crack between the curtains, gazing out the windows to the stars and moon before trailing his eyes a little bit downwards to the bright lights of the city.
Tears roll off his nose, soaking up on his pillow and his stuffed dog. He hugs his toy up close, sniffing into it as he watches the bright lights from the city flood into the night sky.
When Regulus and Sirius were children, Sirius taught him all about stars. It only made sense of course since they were both named after stars. It helped pass the time when they were in the hospital and Regulus was genuinely interested in it, which brought warmth to Sirius’ heart. They would sit by one of the big windows that provided a view to the stars and Sirius would point them out, telling their stories before connecting them to others and showing him constellations.
However, Regulus thought at first that Sirius was talking about the city lights. That they were stars. Regulus wasn’t that bright as a child. When he’d ask if they’d ever touch a star, Sirius would explain that they’d burn up and it was nearly impossible since they’re so far away from them. But, Regulus had pointed to the city lights and explained it looks as though it's in walking distance. It became a joke between them ever since.
Sirius had promised when they were younger, they’d travel to the stars. Sirius would bring Regulus, even if they were both hooked up to machines to keep them from dying. Nothing could stop him from keeping that one promise to his little brother. Even if they aren’t really on talking terms.
He wonders if Regulus remembers about the city lights. He has to. Regulus has to remember their little joke. He has to remember the promise Sirius made him.
He has to know that Sirius will still take him. Nothing can stop that from happening.
Sirius spent the whole night looking out that window to the stars. He hadn’t realized the sun was in the sky until he heard a knock on his door, no doubt from James.
“Wakey wakey!” He heard James say, laughing as he knocked in a pattern before doing a series of hard knocks and then walking away.
Anger floods back into Sirius’ head. He rolls over, climbing off his bed in nothing but a long sleeved shirt, boxers and socks, and storms out his room. He swings his door open with a force so hard, the door hits the wall with a loud boom. The sound causes James to turn his head around, confusion covering his face as he stops and looks at Sirius.
“James!” He shouts, not bothering to hide his anger or lower his voice. He walks towards James, grinding his teeth so hard he feels as though they might all break.
“Sirius, hey, is everything okay?” James asks, concern in his eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius says, flickering between James’ eyes.
“Tell you what?”
“James.”
James makes a noise, furrowing his brows. “Sirius, I have not a clue what you’re on about.”
“You aren’t taking your meds, you aren’t following your regimen?” Sirius questions, spit flying out of his mouth. “Most of all, you didn’t fucking tell me you have B. Cepacia?”
James eyebrows fly up. “How- Sirius-”
“No. Why didn’t you fucking tell me?”
James opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Sirius opens his arms.
“Hm?”
“Sirius, I was going to tell you.” James finally says, looking defeated but mostly embarrassed. “I was, believe me-”
“But, you told my brother instead?”
“How’d you-”
“He fucking told me.” Sirius says, pointing to Regulus’ door.
“Why?” James says, eyebrows pushed together. He licks his lips in a nervous manner.
“Why didn’t you tell me James?” Sirius says, a little softer this time. “You could have told me.”
“Yes, I know that-”
“Then why didn’t you fucking say something?”
“Because I was scared!” James shouts, eyes wide. “Okay? I was fucking-”
“I could have helped you!”
“Sirius, nothing could have helped me! Nothing has been helping me.” He spits, waving his hands around. “Nothing is helping me. Nothing could have helped me. You couldn’t have helped me. I was fucking scared.”
Sirius watches as James swallows hard. His eyes are red and a few tears have fallen, his lenses are cloudy and have droplets of water sticking to them. He breathes hard, bottom lip trembling. Sirius lets his own face fall, forgetting his anger and just wishes he could take a few steps forward and wrap his arms around James.
“James, I’m sorry.” Sirius mumbles, rubbing his eyes before letting out a sigh. “I wish I could do something, I do.”
“Don’t wish that because there isn’t anything you could do.” James shrugs.
“Listen, I understand how you feel-”
“Oh, no you don’t.” James says, with such bitterness in his voice Sirius almost flinches.
“Don’t fucking say you understand how I feel because you have no idea Sirius.” James says, anger clouding his entire face again. “I have been living with nothing but struggle for the last few weeks of my life, living everyday with the word trials being shoved down my throat, knowing nothing can help me, knowing my medication barely does anything for me right now.
“My parents look at me like I’m living my last few years of my life. I have to act as if everything's okay. I have to pull myself together for our friends, for you, for myself. Because I’m not happy. You get that? I’m so fucking miserable and so fucking unhappy, Sirius. I feel so useless because nothing is working. The pills aren’t working, the antibiotics aren’t working, my lungs get filled with mucus and will continue to get filled with mucus and bacteria until they stop working because, I’m not getting lungs Sirius. Not ever. Not fucking ever!”
James has fully started crying now, hiccupping with every sentence he lets out. He’s making a scene in the hallway, but nobody seems to be sure whether to help him or just walk past. Sirius doesn’t even know. But, he just lets James shout at him because he knows this is what’s helping him. Sirius may not know what to do but he can listen.
He’s screaming, his face red and veins popping out of his neck. His glasses have slid down to the tip of his nose, barely holding on. His hair is messier, chaotic from James angrily raking through it and pulling at the ends in a harsh manner. Spit flies from his mouth, landing on Sirius’ face, arms, shirt. Sirius can’t seem to care though. He just lets it happen, watching as James paces around, crying harder than Sirius has ever seen him cry.
When he’s done, he crumbles, sobbing into his hands. Sirius lets out a small whine, wanting so badly to hug him or to do something. Even just to pat him on the back or escort him to his room so he can have some space from the nurses deciding if they should get involved or not. But, Sirius does nothing. He just stands there.
Finally, though, he opens his mouth. “James-”
The sound of Sirius' voice seems to remind James of his anger. He looks back at Sirius, rage filling his eyes and covering his entire face again. He drops his hands by his side before turning on his heel and storming down the hallway.
“Eat shit, Black.” He shouts.
Sirius bites down on his lip and watches as turns the corner and disappears down another hallway.
-
“Does this hurt?”
Regulus winces, answering Doctor McGonagall’s question. She tsks, fixing her glasses before letting Regulus pull down his shirt.
“So…” Regulus asks, fumbling with his hands as McGonagall writes something down on her clipboard.
“Let’s try Bactroban. Hopefully it’ll help clear it.” She suggests, tucking her clipboard under her arm. “I’ll check back on it after a few days.”
“So, no surgery?”
“Let’s hope it doesn’t lead us there, Mr. Black.” McGonagall says, offering a small smile.
Regulus nods, opening his door for her and watches as she walks down the hallway, disappearing down it.
He feels almost giddy getting that result. Regulus almost threw up, asking for Doctor McGonagall to look at his G-Tube. He was almost certain he would need surgery. He’s seen G-Tube’s that look less inflamed than his need surgery. He can breathe a little better knowing he just freaked himself out.
Of course Bactroban will clear it up. It clears up anything. Regulus shouldn’t worry. This will be fine. He’ll get the cream from Poppy later, apply it regularly, get McGonagall to check it out after a few days, and bam. He’s safe from surgery. Everything’s going great.
Regulus smiles to himself, grabbing his phone and messaging Pandora, telling her the good news. No doubt she’s in class so she’ll have to celebrate with him a little later in the day. It’s fine. Regulus has somewhere to be anyways.
He reaches for his bag with his oxygen tank inside. He swings it over his shoulder and clips on his nasal cannula, breathing in and tapping twice. He’s over the moon right now. Nothing could ruin his day.
Regulus grabs his other supplies and heads off, strutting down the hallway. He even greets a few nurses, which he never does. Unless he has too. But, he doesn’t have to right now. He’s just feeling better than he has in weeks.
He makes his way down the everlasting hallways, using the shortcuts he has discovered over his years of being here and cuts through the atrium. He hasn’t been to the atrium in a while. It’s a big area filled with more comfortable couches then other sitting areas and has a huge dome ceiling that's just glass. He used to come here to look up at his star whenever it’s present in the sky.
Walking past, he notices a few patients hanging out around the area. Some sprawled out on the couch, some talking with a visitor, some having a coffee. He almost smiles when he sees the brothers from the day he had breakfast with Remus. They’re sitting together, the younger laid out on the older’s lap as the older one tells him a story. Regulus forces himself to look away.
Another person catches his eye, on the other side of the room. James.
Regulus almost scoffs to himself when he sees him. He’s sitting by himself, head tilted downwards as he plays with a tissue in his hand. Did the talk with Sirius go that rough? Regulus could laugh. He looks pathetic.
Almost as if James had heard his thoughts, he looks up, meeting his eyes. His face is all blotchy and tears still slide down his face. Regulus can’t seem to find it in himself to give a fuck. He deserves it. Looking right at him, Regulus can see how angry James is at him. He can also see disappointment. What was James expecting? For Regulus to keep this secret between them? That Regulus would finally tell it during a fucking school reunion in ten years? Give him a break.
Regulus walks off, rolling his eyes. He knows James is going to follow him. There’s no point in getting fed up. He won’t make this day go rotten. Regulus has been feeling lighter than ever. His shoulders don’t feel as though somethings been tied to him and is pulling him down to the floor, almost dragging him under the floor. His head is clearer than ever, he can actually choose which thoughts he wants to listen to, he can choose what he wants to think about, he feels free.
The skid of sneakers against the slippery floor tells everything Regulus needs to know. Is James that eager to have a go at Regulus now? Lucky for Regulus, he’s just made it to the elevator. Now, if an elevator could make it down to his floor and open in time before James absolutely bull crashes him, then that would be extremely generous.
“Regulus!”
Regulus almost chuckles to himself. He turns, catching sight of James.
Shit, he looks rough.
“Why’d you tell Sirius?” James hisses. He stops a few feet away, biting down hard on his bottom lip. His eyes are glossy.
Regulus shrugs. “You should be thanking me.”
“What?”
Regulus quirks a smile, giving a half shrug. “I practically saved your fucking life, James.”
James blinks at him. “Are you fucking serious?”
“No. I’m Regulus.”
James almost looks like he’s going to be sick. Regulus turns his head, trying not to laugh.
“Fuck you.”
“When?”
“You had no right, Regulus.” James says, sniffing hard. “It wasn’t your place to tell.”
“In my defense, I thought Sirius already knew.” Regulus mutters, turning back to face James.
James frowns at him. Regulus frowns back, folding his arms against his chest. Where is his stupid elevator?
“That makes no sense? Why’d you go talk to Sirius about it then?”
The elevator dings. Saved by the fucking bell.
Regulus once again, shrugs and hops into the elevator.
-
James rushes to the stairs.
He already knows where Regulus is going (80% sure), and he wants to finish this fucking conservation. He had absolutely no right to tell Sirius. There was no reason for him to tell Sirius. Especially if Regulus didn’t even mean to tell Sirius. James had thought they were on no speaking terms so why were they speaking?
He instantly regrets taking the stairs. His breathing becomes harsher as he gets closer to the fifth floor. Finally, he can’t take it and crashes onto a step, taking a moment to breathe before continuing. God, this is fucking awful.
James coughs into his elbow, feeling mucus climb up his throat in the most unpleasant way. Fuck, he should have just waited for another elevator. But, atlas…
Pulling himself together, he continues his journey and finally, graced by the gods, James has made it to the fifth floor. He yanks the door open and walks down the hall, going directly to the NICU.
The doors close behind him and Regulus stands in front of the glass, staring right at James with the foulest look he could ever produce. He throws a mask and gloves at him that James barely catches. He then turns to look through the glass.
He walks up to the other end of the glass window, slipping the gloves and mask on. He doesn’t bother looking at the babies. He’s more interested in Regulus. Maybe, he’ll provide James some insight in why he fucking did what he did. James would love nothing more than a reason on why Regulus had to go tattle to his big brother.
“What, you’ve gone mute now?”
Regulus says nothing. He doesn’t even shift in his spot, standing perfectly still and focused on the babies behind the thick layer of glass in front of him.
“Did you want an excuse to talk to Sirius?” James tries. Maybe if he pushes some of Regulus’ buttons, he’ll start talking. “Did you want to try and fix yours and Sirius’ broken relationship?”
Regulus snaps his head at James, giving his daggers. His look provides a warning. James doesn’t care.
“Look, I just want to know why you told him.”
“I already told you.” Regulus says.
“No, you didn’t.”
“Fine. I just didn’t want to see Sirius try to mend our ‘broken relationship’ when you fucking die so he can just have another brother to latch onto.” Regulus spits with nothing but hatred and rage.
James’ mouth falls open. He’s glad Regulus can’t see it. James is completely speechless.
Regulus shakes his head at him before turning back to the window.
James swallows, choosing his words carefully.
“I’m not Sirius’ brother.”
“That’s not the fucking point James, just forget it.” Regulus mumbles. “Leave me be.”
James stands still, refusing to leave. Regulus chooses to ignore him completely.
He doesn’t know what to say. For once in James’ life, he’s utterly speechless. Nothing in this moment seems to have an opening to say something. And if there was an opening, what would James even say? What can someone say to that? James isn’t even sure how this turned into Regulus seeing James being Sirius’ brother. Does Regulus actually think that? James loves Sirius like a brother, but he knows they aren’t brothers. Sirius’ brother is Regulus. It will always be Regulus.
James decides to just forget Regulus said that.
“Did you do it to hurt me?”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because I know you.”
“You don’t know anything about me.” Regulus snaps.
James swallows, looking at Regulus’ reflection. “Then why, Regulus? Why? I won’t judge, I won’t share, I won’t tell.”
James is practically begging Regulus. This literally makes no sense. Regulus just stands there, feet planted into the ground, staring straight ahead. Finally, he just shrugs.
“C’mon! Not this again, just give me a straight answer!”
“I just did.”
James restrains himself from groaning. He settles with rolling his eyes and banging the palms of his hands into his forehead. This is going nowhere. Regulus is the most stubborn, most annoying person he’s come in contact with (metaphorically).
Instead of storming off, like Regulus wants him too, he turns on his heels and flops down on the couch. He folds his arms against his chest like a child and crosses his legs. Regulus turns to look at him.
“What are you doing?” Regulus questions, raising an eyebrow.
James looks at his nails. “Sitting. You ever do that?”
“You could sit anywhere. Why here?”
“Because I’m not leaving until you tell me why you told Sirius.”
Regulus sighs, turning around fully. His back comes in contact with the glass behind him and James can see his face more clearly, even with the mask. He looks upset, fed up with James, pissed off. James can clearly see the fuck off expression but he wants to know. Even with pissing Regulus off a little. Plus, what could Regulus do about it? Fight James? Please. James would pay to see that.
He closes his eyes, shifting his weight from foot to foot. James sits still, watching as Regulus seems to be hyping himself up. Maybe he’ll finally free himself of the truth, bide into James’ begging and settle this once and for all. Maybe he used his head for a moment and realized James will actually leave once he tells him.
“Because, I had to.”
James was not expecting that as an answer. He cocks his eyebrows up, squinting at the boy.
“What do you mean you had to?”
Regulus groans, throwing his hands up. “I just did, okay?! It was eating me alive, I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t sleep, eat, breathe somewhat properly, live. It was fucking killing me James.”
James watches as Regulus’ face goes through a mix of emotions.
“I couldn’t- I can’t live with the knowledge of you not following your plan, not fucking taking you medication like you’re supposed too.” Regulus admits, eyes flickering around the room but refusing to set on James. He’s sweating and his hands shake. James considers whether or not to stop Regulus. “I felt like I needed to throw up all the time, I was itchy but not itchy, I couldn’t think or fucking focus on anything but you, James. It was like a fucking alarm was constantly going off in my head just repeating your name and reminding me that you weren’t fucking doing what you were supposed to fucking do!”
James licks his lips, watching as Regulus shrinks into himself. His arms go to wrap around his body and his fingers were tapping in two’s again. He bent his head, chin touching his chest. He looked small. James exhales, letting out a long stream of air, trying to rack his head for some sort of sentence or some sort of bullshit comfort to say but couldn’t find anything. Regulus seemed to have a theme. You could never find something to say after Regulus was done talking.
James could see he was still shaking and it didn’t seem to be going away. Without thinking, James scooted to the end of one side of the couch, bringing Regulus’ attention to his shuffling. Then, he tapped a spot beside him.
“I’m not sitting next to you.”
“I wasn’t indicating you sit right next to me. But, just sit.” James says, tilting his head to the other side of the couch.
Regulus didn’t budge.
James frowns. “With the way you’re shaking, you’ll tip over. Just sit, Reg.”
“Don’t call me that,” But, Regulus moves, slowly coming over to the end of the couch and sitting down, uncomfortably.
James traces his finger along the bumpy texture of the couch. “Was I really messing you up that badly?” He tilts his head to look at Regulus.
Regulus nods. He slowly leans back into the couch. “It’s no big deal, just forget everything I said.”
“I’m not forgetting everything you said, Regulus.” James mumbles. “I want to help you.”
Regulus doesn’t say anything. He keeps his eyes pinned to the glass window.
“I want to help. Can I help?” James asks, bouncing his leg. “I don’t want you to spiral over this.”
Regulus half shrugs. “Maybe. I dunno. I won’t spiral.”
James hums, his head falling back. Why is it so difficult talking to Regulus?
“If I could have a clean set of your regimen and if I could redo your medcart,” Regulus says in a rush. James perks his head back up. “Then, maybe it’ll help.”
“Yeah, sure, anything.” James says, nodding.
Regulus, for the first time, turns his head, meeting James’ eye. “But, you’ll actually have to do your plan. You’ll need to take your medication and do your antibiotics and your AffloVest.”
“I’ll do it.”
Regulus nods. “Okay.”
“What, I don’t get an applause?” James jokes, a smile playing on his lips. “A pat on the back? Nothing?”
Regulus gives him one last look before standing up and taking off. The door swings shut and James is left alone in the NICU.
-
The stars are out again.
Sirius looks up at the ceiling in the atrium, noticing his star brightly shining in the sky. He’s been lazing off in his room for the rest of the day but he can’t stand being in one place for too long. It screws with him. So, he decided to take a walk around the hospital. To his delight, he saw himself in the sky and got distracted.
It’s much later in the day and it’s been a few hours since James and him got into their fight or whatever it was. Sirius can’t take it. He missed James the entire day. He wanted to go to his door all day, wanting to drop a note under his door or a badly drawn picture that would hopefully make him laugh. But, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to make matters worse with James. If he could even do that.
He wishes he never started the conversation like that with James. Why couldn’t Sirius, like a normal person, just walk up to him and tell him what he knew. Not shout, but tell him. Things would have ended so much differently. Things wouldn’t be fucked.
Sirius rubs the back of his neck, pain exploding there from keeping his neck in this position for too long. He gently looks back down, feeling a pop from his neck and a small ache. He rubs at it, tsking at himself.
For once, the vending machines in the atrium are filled and Sirius’ stomach growls. He missed out on breakfast, lunch and dinner. He didn’t feel like eating much today. But, now he can feel his hunger return. He wishes he didn’t skip out on dinner at least.
He digs in his pocket and finds some cash, more than enough for the machine and goes to one, smiling when he sees the machine filled with mostly chocolate bars. He cashes in his money and grabs it, biting into it instantly. They never have chocolate in this hospital, even though Sirius read somewhere it helps with sadness. And some pain. He thinks. Maybe he just made that up because Sirius doesn’t really read. But, who knows.
Even though Sirius spent most of the day lazing off in his room, he’s exhausted. It’s most likely from the lack of food and the tears. He won’t admit this but after James had shouted at him, he cried. Cried like he was a little boy again and his mother had yelled at him for breaking a vase or getting into her makeup or not finishing his greens. He felt small again. He felt young again. He didn’t want to feel like that.
He was almost back to his room when he noticed another vending machine, recently filled. He had just about finished his bar and he was still hungry, his stomach growling against his will. So, he dragged himself over and checked out his options. It was almost an exact replica of the other vending machine so he ordered himself the same thing.
From where Sirius was standing, he could see right down the hallway to his room. And also to James’ room. The emotions spiked up again when viewing that stupid door. The lights were on, Sirius could tell from how they flooded into the hallway from under his door. James always used the big light on the ceiling for some odd reason. Sirius always found that light to be blinding and obnoxious.
His chocolate bar hit the ground and he turned back, facing the glass and seeing his reflection. His face was blotchy and was cold to touch. Tear streaks stained his pale face and his eyes were beyond puffy. He looked awful. He blinked and looked past his reflection, back to the vending machine slots.
Sirius’ eyes caught onto a powdered donut and he quickly punches the number in, watching as it falls. Afterwards, he grabs both the chocolate bar and the donut and heads to James’ door.
He knocks once, knowing if James wants to talk, he’ll open the door. But, if he doesn’t want to talk, then he won’t open the door. And Sirius hopes he opens the door. He won’t be able to fall asleep tonight if they’re still mad at each other. Sirius isn’t even upset anymore. He just wants them to be okay.
As if James heard his hopeful thought, the door opens. Just a crack. Sirius can see James’ face clearly and he looks like Sirius. Same blotchy face and tear stained cheeks. He holds up the donut.
To his relief, James smiles. Sirius had to force himself not to break down once more.
“Dickbag.” James says, grabbing the donut, making sure to avoid Sirius’ hand.
“Fuckface.” Sirius laughs, taking a step back as James steps out of his room.
They sit against the wall, keeping six feet in between them. Sirius is just happy James is talking to him and at least it looks like he’s enjoying his donut.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius finally says, at last. James puts a hand up to try and stop him, but Sirius continues. “No, James. I am sorry.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” He mumbles, wiping the sugary powder off his mouth.
“But, I do.” Sirius sighs, laying his hands down in his lap. “I shouldn’t have resulted into yelling at you. It wasn’t fair.”
“No, it wasn’t.” James agrees, looking down at his donut. Sirius nods.
“I just- I felt hurt you didn’t tell me.”
“I know.” James says. “I should have told you sooner.”
He looks back up, meeting Sirius’ gaze and giving him a small smile. “I was just feeling so… fucked.” He chuckles.
Sirius leans his head against the wall, waiting for James to go on.
“I don’t know. I guess I was just…” James blows a puff of air out, shrugging. “I don’t know. It just seemed unreal to me that I caught this son of a bitch. And then I found out I basically don’t have a chance in getting lungs and then the pile of pills and medication came and a new regimen.”
James blinks rapidly. Sirius frowns, forcing himself not to scoot closer.
“I felt so fucked. Like everything I worked for just was a complete waste.” He closes his eyes, a tear escaping from his eye.
“It wasn’t a waste though.” Sirius tries.
James shrugs. “Feels like it. All the progress I made just to be thrown in the trash.”
“It kept you alive though,” Sirius explains, pulling at a loose strand of hair. “That progress kept you living. This is just another hurdle you’re gonna overcome. I know it, James.”
James sighs, banging his head against the wall. He shrugs at last. “We’ll see, I guess.”
Sirius nods, taking another bite of his chocolate bar. “I don’t want you to get angry, but…”
“But…?”
“Why did you say this is Regulus and not me?” Sirius asks. He really hopes James won’t get upset over the question.
James thinks about it for a moment. “Dunno, really. I mean, I guess it was just because I barely know him, y’know? Like, I could rant to him and it won’t really affect him.” He pushes some hair out of his eyes. “That make sense?”
Sirius nods. “Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
James finishes off his donut, crumbling up the plastic wrapper. He spreads his legs out, sighing gently. Sirius clears his throat.
“Did he tell you about you fucking him up, or something?”
James nods. “Yeah. I met with him a few hours ago.”
He perks his head up. “Did you?”
“Not by choice,” James laughs. “Followed him to the NICU. Dragged it out of him, practically.”
Sirius hums, nodding.
“He wants me to get a new, clean, regimen and then let him clean up my medcart.”
“Shit.” Sirius laughs. “How is he gonna clean up your medcart though?”
James furrows his brows. “Oh, I hadn’t thought about that.”
Sirius shrugs. “You’ll figure it out. And if you don’t, he will.” He points to Regulus’ door.
James nods, chuckling softly under his breath.
“You ever notice Regulus doing everything in twos?” He asks, suddenly.
“No. I mean, I haven’t been around him in years.” Sirius shakes his head. “I don’t remember him ever doing anything in twos when we were both living together though.”
“Well, it’s not everything. It’s just some things. And he does it when he’s, like, stressed out or feeling panicked. I think.” James notes. “Like, when he saw my regimen and he freaked out, he started tapping his nasal cannula in twos.”
“Huh.”
James shrugs, bringing his knees to his chest. “I don’t know, could be nothing.”
“Yeah, I suppose.” Sirius says, looking at Regulus’ door.
They fall into silence again, the only noise being Sirius finishing off his bar. He turns back to James, finding him already looking at him.
“You look like him.” James mumbles.
“That would make sense. Since, y’know. Brothers.” Sirius laughs, crumbling the plastic wrapper.
“But, his features are sharper,” James goes on, pushing his glasses up his nose. “His jawline is much sharper and his nose goes up just a tad bit. At the end.”
“Well, we aren’t identical.”
“And, he’s got a freckle right above his left brow.” James points at his own eyebrow.
“Good eye.” Sirius jokes.
“I dunno.” James says at last, picking at his nails.
Sirius shrugs, bringing his knees to his chest. “Are you okay?”
“Why you asking?” James chuckles. “Because I just went on a rant about your brother?”
“No,” Sirius laughs, smiling. “Just, because of earlier, you know.”
James closes his eyes, bringing his forehead to his knees. “I’m alright.”
“You sure? You can tell me anything James.”
“I’m sure.”