1
Human touch. Our first form of communication. Safety, security, comfort, all in the gentle caress of a finger. Or the brush of lips on a soft cheek. It connects us when we’re happy… bolsters us in times of fear… excites us in times of passion… and love. We need that touch from the one we love almost as much as we need air to breathe. But I never understood the importance of touch… his touch… until I couldn't have it. -Stella Grant, Five Feet Apart.
–
“Cas, you’re literally red in the fucking face right now.” Barty cries, trying to pull her hands away from her face.
She groans, turning away from Barty and Evan as they pester her. They do little kissy faces at her and sing a stupid little song. Regulus shakes his head, shoving a fry into his mouth. How is he friends with these insufferable people?
The fry is cold against his tongue and slides roughly down his throat. The back of his throat burns as he takes a sip of cold coke. Nothing like having a sore throat before the first day back to school.
Pandora grabs the bottle out of his hands, taking a sip.
“You know I can’t drink out of that now, right?” Regulus asks, leaning back against the hospital bed. He cracks his fingers, and his throat becomes uncomfortably dry again.
“Yep.” She replies, cracking a smile as she finishes the bottle. “I paid for it, the least you can do is let me have the rest.”
He shrugs, turning back to Dorcas, Barty and Evan. He doesn’t really know what they’re on about anymore. First, they were talking about Barty’s sex life– it's the most interesting topic they could talk about, then they switched to gossip and school. Regulus switched the topic almost instantly when school was mentioned.
Getting sick before school starts is actually one of the worst things that has happened to him. He has never gotten sick the day before school fucking starts. How could he have managed that?
Pandora leans back, her shoulder hitting Regulus’. Regulus moves just a tad bit away.
“Can’t believe you aren’t coming tomorrow.” She mutters.
“It’s not like I dropped out, Dora. I’ll be back in like a week or so.”
“Yeah, I know.” She says, turning on her side. Regulus tilts his head, meeting her eyes. “It’s just, you’ve never missed the first day. Who am I gonna sit next to at lunch? Barty?”
“You have Dorcas to keep you company. What about that Lily girl? You know, the red head. She’s pretty hard to miss.”
Regulus catches the way Pandora’s lips quirk up, just for a split second but he knows what that subtle movement means.
“Maybe now she’ll take the hint that we aren’t together and finally realize her love for you.”
“Why would people think we’re together?” Pandora says, almost in disgust. She pulls her head back, her eyebrows knitted together.
“Why wouldn’t people think we’re together?” Regulus snickers. “Am I not good enough for you?”
“You could be if you didn’t have a dick.”
“Why are we talking about dicks?”
“We already talked about your fucking sex life Barty, give it a rest.” Pandora says, pulling herself up as Barty smirks at her.
Evan slides himself onto the bed, right at the end. He has his phone in hand, the screen all cracked. Even the case is cracked. Regulus has no idea how he managed to do that.
“School supplies for each class just came out.” He mumbles to no one but everyone at the same time. Once hearing this, almost everyone but Dorcas pulls out their phones to check.
“Already have your supplies, Cassy?” Regulus asks. He knows she doesn’t.
“Just not ready for my final year at Hogwarts to finally hit.”
Regulus leans forward, reaching a hand out to touch her arm in a gentle, hopefully soothing, way. “You’ll be fine. Plus, maybe you’ll even pass your exams.”
Dorcas scoffs but eventually pulls her phone out.
It’s silent in the room for a bit. Regulus watches as everyone scrolls, making a mental list of what to get and what they already have. He’ll get his supplies later. But, knowing his parents, they’re already shopping for what he needs. Hell, he probably has his entire wardrobe packed and everything.
Pandora leans her head on his shoulder, her blonde wild hair tickling his neck. “We should probably go and get everything before it gets too crowded.”
“It’s probably already fucking crowded.” Barty mutters. “Look at how much we have to buy! Do they think we’re made of money?”
“Aren’t you made of money?” Evan questions, throwing him a look.
“Well, yeah. But it doesn't mean it should be spent on useless shit like this. Do you see the sizes of these textbooks?”
Regulus looks up at the clock on the wall. Almost time to take his meds.
Dorcas is the first to pull Regulus off the bed and pull him into a bone-crushing hug. He leans into it, usually not a hug person but he knows how hard this is for her. Barty and Evan next, at the same time because these two seem to be glued to the hip these days.
Pandora’s last. Regulus has to pull her off the bed. The hug is awkward since Regulus was the first to pull her in, but Pandora saves it, wrapping her arms around his waist and squeezing him tight.
“If you die from a sore throat, it wouldn’t even be sad.” She speaks. “It’d honestly just be disappointing.”
“I won’t die from a stupid sore throat.” He chuckles, taking a cautious deep breath, trying to avoid having a coughing fit right into Pandora’s hair.
Pandora pulls herself away before rushing to Dorcas’ side. They say their goodbyes and Regulus watches as they leave his hospital room and walk down the horribly blinding, clean, hallway. He feels sadness for just a moment. Just a sad feeling in saying goodbye but Regulus knows he’ll be seeing them in like a week. No more than a month. It’s fine.
He closes the door and walks over to the bed, smoothing it out before reaching over to put on his nasal cannula. The prongs clip into his nose and it feels comfortable. It feels familiar. Regulus taps the tubes twice before taking a deep breath.
He glances back at the clock. The door opens and Poppy walks in, scrolling a medcart in.
“Right on time.” She chimes, closing the door behind her.
“Hi, Poppy.” He greets, sitting down on the bed. She nods to him before taking out a clipboard and examining each bottle on the card and the containers.
Regulus likes Poppy. She doesn’t indulge in dreading small talk where it’s just awkward pauses with somewhat personal questions. She doesn’t feel awkward in silence and seems to enjoy working in silence.
“Is Remus here? I know he visits his mother around this time.”
“I think I saw him.” She mumbles, pushing the medcart to the wall before turning around. “Alright! Medcart’s all yours.”
Regulus stands up, suddenly feeling very fidgety. He presses his finger pads to the tops of each container before looking back to Poppy. “Are you sure this is, okay?”
She nods gently, resting a gentle hand on his arm before pulling back. “There’s G-juice down here,” she points below on the second shelf, “and then you know when you need to take your pills so I’m assuming you can take it from here?”
Regulus nods, almost too fast. All he wants is to reorganize the whole cart. He’s been wanting to do this for so freaking long and now everything’s sitting at his fingertips. He takes another deep breath which results to him reaching up to his nasal, sliding his fingers down the two tubes looping behind his ear and resting under his jaw and taps two times.
Poppy clicks her tongue as she heads for the door. “Have fun.”
The door closes and Regulus instantly picks up one container, finally having the freedom to put where the container should be. For the next hour he picks up small plastic boxes filled with pills of all different shapes and sizes and places them in their correct spots. He places the G-juice someplace else, somewhere it should stand until needed. The bottles get reorganized too.
His timer goes off just as he finishes. He smiles to himself as he touches the tops of everything again. Finally. A wave of easiness washes through him.
Regulus shuts the timer off and slowly inches his shirt up, revealing his hideous scars and marks and his G-tube. The skin is still a little red around it. It worries him. But the Fucidin should help. He gently applies it, the cream sort of cooling the skin but still feeling the itch to scratch but also the burn to blow on. Regulus washes his hands and takes a deep breath before coughing.
The rest of the day is routine. Regulus follows his plan through his journal. First, he finishes his book, a poetry book. He takes another round of pills. He grabs a pen and crosses off some things off his list. Afterwards, he looks out the window, breathing into his nebulizer to sooth his clogged lungs. Vapor pools out of it and he coughs but he knows it helps.
The day drags on. Regulus is bored, watching the clock tick down the minutes of the day. No one has texted him. His parents haven’t checked up on him, of course. He fumbles with the nasal cannula.
Poppy checks in with him throughout the day. She takes his temperature. Raging fever, still. Throat as inflamed as ever. The only good part of her coming in is when she tells him a new baby has been put into the NICU.
Regulus has always been told he’s never looked like a guy who would want kids. He doesn’t. He doesn’t even know if he actually likes babies. He just likes the quietness of them. A moment to get away- from his room that constantly reminds him he’s sick, the smell of bleach and sanitizer, the sudden bursts of anxiety he feels, the feeling of death looming over him, the overwhelming intercom call of ‘code blue.’ He likes the quietness of the NICU. The way the babies sleep soundly, without a care in the world. He hopes they never have to go through what he has been through.
He grabs his mask and his bag, portable oxygen tank inside. Gloves already fitted on his hands, and a container of sanitizer in his bag. Once he feels ready, he leaves the room, heading straight for the NICU. Regulus passes the other rooms, checking to see if Remus is with his mother. He doesn’t remember what room number Poppy had told him, if she even told him. He was too focused on his medcart.
As Regulus walks, he hears the sound of loud laughter coming down the hall. He’s by room 304 when he hears a laugh so barklife he cringes. He fastens his steps, coming closer to the sound.
The laughter comes from a room. He stops just to take a glance, just to judge. There’re a few girls in there and Regulus swears he sees the fiery redhead, Lily. He must have seen wrong. There’s a boy that Regulus can’t make out as one of the girls obstructs his view. He shakes his head, resisting the urge to roll his eyes and he continues walking. He takes a glance into another room, door wide open.
He takes a double take.
Fuck.
Regulus grips the handles of his bag and walks as fast as he can without having a coughing fit. His chest burns but he contiunes, finally reaching the elevators. He slams his fingers into the button, trying to catch a breath.
“Regulus?”
You’re kidding.
The doors to the elevator open and Regulus steps in, clicking the number five button as hard as he can as well as the ‘close doors’ button at the same time. As the doors begin to close, he sees him. James fucking Potter.
His hair’s a mess, of course, striking in every different direction. His glasses sit on the bridge of his nose, slightly askew. He’s got sweatpants on, gray, with a red shirt on.
What the fuck is he doing here? Does that mean Sirius is also here? Fuck.
The doors open to the fifth floor and Regulus can’t even shake the feeling of panic from his body. Maybe if he gets into the NICU fully, he'll calm down. He swings open the door and sits down on the couch and tries to take deep breaths without wheezing. He taps the tubes from the cannula twice for comfort.
When he’s ready, Regulus looks through the window, seeing a tiny baby laying in a small bed. It doesn't really do much to calm him.
Regulus stands, walking closer and rests his arms against the little ledge under the window. He breaths out and watches as fog clouds the glass. Even with viewing the baby, his thoughts spiral out of control, and he shakes his head, hair falling in front of his face. How long has it been since he’s seen James at the hospital? Too long. Not long enough really. What about his fucking brother? Sirius has to be somewhere around here if James is here. It’s always been odd, the way if one of them is sick, the other is somehow sick too. Maybe they’re catching it from each other. Regulus wouldn’t mind. Maybe one of their lungs would finally collapse and he’d have a fucking moment of peace.
He glances towards the baby and watches as it peacefully sleeps, not a care in the world. Regulus wishes that were him.
The door opens and he could almost groan, roll his eyes until they spin out of his head, and sputter out a shit ton of swears and insults. But he holds his tongue and keeps his eyes trained on the infant. The door softly shuts and James freaking Potter stands a few feet away from him. Regulus takes another step to the side, creating even more space between them. Just for good measure.
“I don’t bite.” James teases but he doesn’t move closer to Regulus.
He glares at him.
James turns, resting his temple against the glass. “So, this is where you always snuck off too when you were younger?”
Regulus doesn’t respond. Maybe James will take the hint and leave him alone.
James hums, taking a glance at the baby. “I think I’d want kids. Though, I can’t have any, so.”
Regulus crosses his arms.
“Sirius sends his love...probably, I don’t know.” James mutters, running his fingers through his hair. “Read any good books? I remember you were always keen on reading.”
The doors swing open. Regulus almost actually cries out, thinking it’s Sirius but instead, it’s Poppy.
“What- What is going on?” She says, clearly confused but grabs onto James’ arm and pulls him back a few feet.
“Hi Poppy!” James grins, sending her a lovely smile. “You’re looking prettier than the last time I saw you.”
Poppy doesn’t say anything except gives him a look. Regulus snorts.
“James, you’re supposed to be taking yo-”
“Poppy, I just got here. I know, I’ll take them in a second!” James complains, playing with the tubes of the nasal cannula. “I was just saying hello to Regulus.”
“Are you done then?” Poppy asks, looking between him and Regulus.
James shrugs, turning his head to look at Regulus. “He hasn’t said hello back. Been just talking to myself, really.”
“Seems like this conversation is over then.” Poppy firmly puts, staring straight at James. “Let's go. McGonagall’s waiting for you in your room. With your mother.”
James lets out a long breath, waving goodbye to Regulus in a silly manner before stepping out the room. The doors close behind him, and Regulus relaxes in some sense.
“Thanks.” Regulus mutters, turning back to the baby.
Poppy shrugs, stepping next to Regulus as she smiles at the small infant.
“What’s he in for? Fever? Flu?”
“James has Burkholderia Cepacia.” Poppy simply puts. "As well as bronchitis."
Regulus turns, searching for any sort of amusement from her face. All he finds is sadness. Pure sadness.
“Shit.” Is all he says, swallowing thickly.
Life has not been kind to James.
“Shit.” Poppy whispers, chuckling to herself. Regulus' whole mood saddens.
“So, he’s not getting lungs then?”
Poppy shakes her head, her eyes turning down. “And you won’t be getting new lungs either if you don’t stay away from him.”
“What about Sirius?”
Poppy turns to him, sending a small smile. “He’s okay. He has a fever and has been told many times to follow the six feet rule. Though, I don’t think James has told him he has B. Cepacia yet. I think he doesn’t want him to worry...”
“The fever’s not bad though… right?”
She shakes her head. “No, he should be okay.”
Regulus slowly nods, turning back to the baby. For some odd reason, that relaxes him even more. Just knowing his brother’s okay. Regulus wonders if Sirius asks about him. Probably not.
He picks at his gloves, throat tight and he doesn’t know why he feels like this.
“He’s in room 307.”
“It’s not like I’m going to visit him.”
Poppy lays a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. “I’m just letting you know.”
Regulus stares at her. She removes her hand and heads for the door.
Regulus makes a mental note to avoid room 307.
-
James knocks on Sirius’ door, a smile around set on his face as a chorus of hellos flood the room.
Marlene throws an arm around him and instantly starts spreading the latest gossip from school. Though James ends it early.
“Sorry, Marls. I’m just coming by to say hello.” He nods to everyone and makes eye contact with Sirius. “My mum’s in my room.”
“I bet Effie would enjoy the news.” Marlene grumbles, “I spend hours listening in and offering up my deepest darkest secrets to entertain you sickos and you can’t even spend one minute listening to it.”
She walks away from James and flops onto Sirius’ bed.
“Stop being such a drama bitch. You literally just repeat the same shit over and over again.” Mary says, rolling her eyes as she glances up from her magazine. “Then you go on a rant about the fucking girl of the week you’re obsessed with.”
“Oh, shut the fuck up! At least I’m interesting about it, and not rambling about whatever boy you’re knocking up.” Marlene snaps, peeking her head up as Sirius snickers. “Boys are literally so fucking disgusting; I have no idea how you guys can kiss one.”
“I hate men.” Sirius says and Pete raises his water bottle to that.
James snickers as Mary bites back. He tugs onto the strap of his bag and travels down a few doors to his room, knocking once before entering.
His mum’s there, sitting at the chair by the window. His dad’s nowhere to be seen, however. Must be at work still.
“Hey mum.” James says, his grin widening about to approach his mum when he notices McGonagall standing by his med cart, looking over his chart.
“Minnie, what a pleasure.” He goes to sit on his bed, watching as Minnie looks at him in disapproval. He knows love is covered under all that hate though.
“Mr. Potter.” She greets to which James smiles wide, showing all his teeth. Effie gives him a look.
James listens for the first few seconds of the conversation but then trails off, turning to stare out the window. The sun’s setting.
“James? Did you hear that?” Effie asks and James blinks.
“Hear what?”
“We have a new trial that we are confident about.” McGonagall confirms, leaning against the desk. Her face turns stern, sterner then usually. “Though in order for this to work, Mr. Potter, you need to be taking your medication and taking care of yourself.”
McGonagall turns back to Effie. James doesn’t look at his mother. When he’s at home, he takes his meds because his parents force him. Though, when his parents are gone or he’s with a friend or at the hospital, he doesn’t care, often forgets really. After getting the news of B. Cepacia, something that is literally going to kill him with no cure, why should he care about his medication? What will that help, really. Taking meds that used to work when he did have a chance for new lungs, motivated him. Created that tiny bit of hope that this would all work out. Now, his chance is gone. His motivation, gone. His hope? Gone.
James wants to live. He wants to find someone he loves, and he wants to have kids (though, he knows he’ll never be able to have kids, he can still hope), and he wants to grow old and have gray hair. Though, he most likely will be dying before his parents pass. Before Sirius passes, before Regulus passes, before all his friends. He planned on living till he was a hundred. Now… probably till he’s in his twenties.
The door closing brought him back to the present. He turned and saw his mum staring at him. He couldn’t tell if it was anger or concern or sadness.
“I’ll be on top of my treatments.” James put, looking away from his mother.
“Why weren’t you on top of them from the start, James?” Effie questions, standing up and sitting down beside James on his cot. “James, is everything okay? You’ve never-...”
He nods quickly. Everything’s perfectly okay.
“I’ve just been forgetting.” He says, trying to convince his mum. It never works because somehow, she can always see through him. Must be something to do with being a mum.
“James…” She says, bringing an arm around him and bringing him closer. She rests her chin on the top of his head. “You know me, and your dad are so proud of you, and we love you? Right?”
James snickers, resting his face in the crook of her neck. Comfort swallows him. “Of course, I do. I can barely make it throughout the day without one of you saying those three words to me.”
Effie laughs. “Because it’s true.”
James smiles, feeling her hand arm up and down his arm. Just for a moment, everything is okay.
“Promise me you’ll do your medication.” Effie’s firm when she says it.
James sighs. Then, he nods.
-
Regulus is reading when his phone buzzers. He almost just lets it ring out, thinking it’s his mother or father (though, why would they be calling him?). But he checks and sees its Barty. He sets a bookmark in his book and picks up.
His face appears, hair all tousled with the familiar dark gray wall behind him. He’s in the dorm room, most likely with Evan or even with the girls, though he can’t hear any background voices.
“You missing me already?” Regulus asks, leaning back in his own bed. He wishes he were sitting in his comfortable dorm bed with his posters and records. He wishes he wasn’t sick, and he wasn’t on a call with Barty and instead having a conversation with him from his own bed.
“No, I fucking hate you Regulus.” Barty says, a giggle escaping at the last syllable of his name. Regulus can’t help but snicker.
“Evan ditch you?”
“Yeah, some dickwad, pretty girl with dark hair, got his heart.” He shook his head, clearly very hurt by this. “Can you believe that? Right as we walked in the doors. The feast hadn’t even started yet!”
“He’s trying to outnumber your body count.”
“Oh, he could never.” Barty says, chuckling at that. “You could, though, if you actually dated someone.”
Regulus bangs the back of his head against the pillow a few times. “My cock doesn’t need stroking every minute of the bloody day, Barty. I think I’ll live.”
“You’ve got the looks, you could be an outright slut, Regulus.” Barty says, looking awfully jealous...? Regulus wants to switch the conversation before Barty brings out his whole ‘we should date Regulus, we’d be the hottest couple of the entire school,’ debate.
“How’s Panda and Cas?” Regulus says, glancing out the window. The stars are hard to see. He misses Hogwarts.
“Pandora was quiet throughout the entire feast. Definitely missing you.” Barty mutters. “I tried talking about the latest blokes and birds I’ve gotten with, but she just wasn’t feeling it.”
“She’s never feeling it Barty, no one is ever ‘feeling’ it.” Regulus bites back, all humor.
Barty flips him off but continues, “Dorcas was staring at someone across the hall for the majority of the feast. I couldn’t tell who because I swear all those first years have ADHD or some hyperactive shit.” He snickers, shaking his head again.
Regulus snorts, standing up to stretch his legs. He walks over to the window, squinting at the little specks in the sky. He can’t tell which stars and constellations are out tonight. Fuck this place.
“Anyways,” Barty says, sitting up. “You alright?”
Regulus completely just tuned Barty out, which he does quite a bit but this one was completely accidental. James fucking Potter is sitting on the edge of the roof. Is he- is this some sort of sick dare? Some prank? Is he fucking mental? There's snow up there and he’s barely dressed for the cold. Just sweatpants, a hoodie and a hat.
“Regulus, you ther-” He hangs up.
He leans into the window practically. Is he actually crazy?
Regulus should just shut the blinds and go to bed. It’s late anyways and he wants to get up early to make sure Pandora’s alright. Plus, why should he care about James being up there? That seems more like his brother’s problem than his.
But just thinking about it sends Regulus’ skin crawling for no reason. He feels ill, seeing a mental picture of James just sitting there, unbothered.
Regulus scratches the back of his head and yawns. The feeling will pass. It’s just because Regulus is a good person. That has to be it. Plus, he’s tired. His day has certainly been a long one and he’d like for it to end.
As soon as he sits down back on the mattress, he’s standing and grabbing his coat, his shoes, thick socks and his bag with his oxygen tank. He slips his cannula back into his nose and hangs it around his ears. He puts on mittens and walks straight for the stairs, making sure to avoid room 307.
~
He swings open the door and instantly feels the sharp chilling wind bite his exposed skin. How can James be sitting out here? It’s freezing.
Regulus walks up to him, making sure to keep his distance, the warning Poppy gave him ringing around in his head.
“Are you crazy?” He asks, knowing his answer already. Though maybe James needs a reminder.
James snaps his head around, surprise covering his entire face. A smile appears. Almost instantly. Regulus remembers seeing James looking something other than happy and goofy when he was down in his room. How can he just switch to his happy, smiley self that quickly?
“Maybe. Probably. We’re all crazy though, if you think about it.” James says and then he pats the space beside him. Yep, he's fucking mental.
“You’re a straight idiot if you think I’m going to sit next to you.”
James shrugs. “Just being polite, Reg.”
“Don’t call me that. I’m not ten years old.”
“I didn’t say you were?”
Regulus rolls his eyes, tucking his hands into his pockets. “Are you not, you know, freezing your fucking balls off?”
“Why would it matter? Remember what I told you back in the NICU?”
Regulus cringes.
“Can you just, I don't know, come down from there?” Regulus asks, taking a hesitant step forward. His chest is tight. “You make me think you’re about to commit and I honestly would prefer not watching that.”
“What makes you think I’m going to end it in such a lame way?” James scoffs. “I’m offended you think so low of me, Regulus.”
Regulus puffs out a short breath. It fogs in front of him and disappears almost instantly. Can James just move his arse back inside? Regulus literally feels just… wrong. And he doesn’t know why. His hands are twitchy, and he can’t seem to stand in place, like his legs ache to stand still.
“James, please.” Regulus calls out, against the sudden harsh wind. “Can you just go inside? My brother would be absolutely crushed if you froze to death out here and I like having peace and quiet from Sirius.”
James sighs and stands up. Right on the fucking edge. Hell, he’s lost his mind.
“What the hell are you doing?!”
James laughs as he holds his arms out, doing a spin before slipping. Regulus steps forward, about to reach forward when James continues laughing, sitting on his arse once more.
Regulus steps back, his heart racing. What an absolute dick.
“I’m leaving. Kill yourself if you want.”
“We all die at some point.” James mumbles, spinning around and sliding off the edge. He’s about three feet away. Regulus backs up an extra four feet.
Regulus doesn’t know what to say to that, so he just turns and walks away. His skin is itching with something Regulus can’t describe. He wants to just crack all his joints until it clicks just right and scratch at his skin until it feels like it should. He wants to shake all his limbs out until they're numb. He doesn’t know what’s happening.
“See you!” James calls out just before a snowball lands directly next to Regulus. Regulus gives him a look before opening the door, taking out the door stop and heading down the steps. He stops himself though, his lungs dry and sore from the coldness.
He leans against the railing, coughing into his elbow, trying to get his stupid, useless, lungs working once more. A knock from the door startles him and James peeks through the small, dirty, mirror, mouthing ‘can you open the door?’
Regulus smirks, shrugging dramatically and putting a hand to his ear before walking off. A thud, most likely James’ head banging against the door, echoes behind him.