2
Regulus doesn’t think he’s had a worse night than last night. All night he was turning and tossing. He was sweating and jumpy, his heart all scattered and fluttery. His legs felt like pins were being pressed into his joints and under his kneecaps. Everything felt wrong. The blanket felt secure around him but at the same time felt like it was suffocating him. And the worst part was, James fucking Potter was popping into his head at every moment.
When he closed his eyes, a boy with messy black hair, so wild it looked like he just electrocuted himself. A boy with the absolute shittiest vision in the world, his lens thicker then a fucking brick. A boy with tan skin and straight white teeth with a crooked nose and a smile that never seemed tainted. It was the most excruciating thing Regulus has ever experienced.
It wasn’t a good thing either, thinking of James, not like it had been when he was still living with Sirius and young. When life had just begun for him and it felt as though nothing in the world would harm him. Even the illness that consumed him and caused him to cry and wish he were dead. But, it was okay because he had his big brother there and his best friend to comfort him and make him feel like he could hold up the world without his lungs failing him.
When Regulus was young and still hopeful, he wanted to be James. He wanted to make people smile and be loud and be hopeful. He wanted to be beautiful and say the right things and comfort people with just words and actions, not touch. James was everything Regulus wanted to be. He thought James would change the world and find a cure for the illness they all had unfortunately been founded with. He would never admit this to anything but catching the flu or having the cold was the best thing at the time because James would be there. He didn’t see James unless he was admitted into the hospital since he was still young and hadn’t been accepted to Hogwarts yet.
James made Regulus’ heart skip and fill him with the kindest warmth and make him believe they would all beat this illness, somehow.
Nowadays, Regulus can’t stand James. He wishes one of them would be consumed by this illness and make one of their lungs just stop. Regulus would prefer his own to stop working but he has a name to live up to. Maybe one day he’ll hear the code blue and James will be foaming from the mouth, pale as day and the light from his eyes will be gone. That’s the day he’ll finally be able to breathe well.
The images of James popping into his head caused him an absolute meltdown. Regulus had almost torn his hair out. He had taken two showers, walked down many hallways and been scolded at by Poppy, ate a candy bar in hopes the sugar would distract him (it didn’t), washed his hands so many times that his skin started peeling and drying up quicker then it has before, cried, and almost messed up his entire medcart in hopes it would cheer him up (he knew if he had screwed it up, he would have had an absolute fit).
He didn’t sleep for long. He slept for maybe a good three hours. The images and thoughts kept him from peacefully falling and staying in a deep slumber. It woke him up with a jolt, slicked with sweat and dry lips. He would instantly rush to the window, in hopes that James didn’t actually jump from the roof. Anxiety flooded his nerves and filled him with worry and everything seemed awry in the moment.
He wanted to murder James.
Regulus had woken up with the sun in the sky. He decided to take a nap around five am, knowing he had only slept for a few hours, but the nap ruined his plans for the day. He had wanted to wake up before breakfast would start at Hogwarts, in hopes he’d catch Pandora and chat with her for a moment. Just wish her good luck and know that he missed her. Maybe he would have seen Dorcas and Barty and Evan too.
He got up, his eyes tired and dry, filled with restlessness and uneasiness. He felt sweaty and cold but also hot. Hopefully it was just nerves and not a fever spiking up and down. He wanted to be out of this dreadful hospital visit as soon as fucking possible. Nothing would keep him here. He’d rather be dying in Hogwarts than dying in the same building as his brother and James (though they all go to Hogwarts so that really wouldn’t work in Regulus’ plan).
He climbs off his bed, not bothering to make it. If his parents were here, then of course he’d make it. He’s already dying, he doesn’t need his own mother to fasten the process. Grabbing his phone, it alit with messages. Pandora had called him twice and guilt felt his stomach. He’ll call her around lunch. Dorcas and Evan had texted him but another person caught his attention. Remus Lupin was visiting his mother, and he was still here.
Regulus quickly opens his message and shoots him a text back, asking if he wanted to grab breakfast which to his surprise, Remus responded back just as fast. They planned to meet in the cafe in about twenty minutes. The guilt he felt for Pandora quickly drifted as did the thoughts of James and the burden of his brother’s presence scratching at the back of his head did too.
He quickly gets ready, taking another shower and scrubbing the lasting thoughts of last night away. Then, he grabs his bag and slips on the nasal, taking a deep breath. He taps the tubes twice before leaving.
He goes the opposite way from room 307. It’s still pretty early in the day, meaning there's a huge chance Sirius is still asleep. He was always a late raiser, causing many unnecessary fights in the house. Regulus almost rolls his eyes at the memory.
He doesn’t want to take any chances. He knows for a fun fact that James is an early riser. Even earlier then Regulus, which is just fucking insane. Why would someone want to be up at five in the morning?
Bleach blinds his nose as he walks. Regulus cringes at it. He couldn’t imagine working at a hospital, the smell of “clean” always lingering in the air. It would cause him to spiral. Maybe he should ask Poppy if she’s nose blind. Maybe that’s why she never says anything to him when he’s having one of his moments and hasn’t showered properly in a few days.
Finally, Regulus turns and stands in the cafeteria, holding the strap of his bag. He looks around, feeling awkward as he rocks on the back of his heels. A tap on the shoulder startles him.
“You’re paler then a fucking junkie on a good day.” Remus says, clicking his tongue at Regulus.
Regulus cocks an eyebrow up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Remus grins and opens his mouth to answer when he looks at Regulus properly and says, “Are you wearing my sweater?”
He looks down and realizes he put on one of Remus’ sweaters. Regulus always gets sick near Christmas, either down with a heavy cold or a mighty flu. During break, Remus travels to see his mother and usually spends the holidays with Regulus. He always leaves a sweater behind when he leaves to go back to school. Regulus doesn’t know if it's intentional or not.
“Well, you left it with me. Am I just supposed to let moths eat it?”
Remus snickers. The two of them head up to the counter, looking at the menu.
“Mum’s okay?” Regulus asks, trying to make conversation as he picks at his fingernails.
“She’s been better,” Remus shrugs, “well, she’s not on death’s door like you are.”
“You’re getting funnier every time I see you.”
Remus bumps into his shoulder lightly. Regulus swats at him.
“What you in for?”
“Fever.” Regulus mumbles. “It’s practically gone. I probably could be at Hogwarts right now instead of this hellhole.”
“At least it gives me a few days of peace away from you.”
“You love me.”
“I loathe you.”
After figuring out what they both wanted (Regulus always gets the same thing. It’s really Remus who has to decide.), they grab their food and find their usual place away from everyone. It’s a table by the window, blocked off by a pillar. No one sits there because of the stupid pillar in the way so they’ve just claimed it. No one bothers them and it helps in Regulus’ favor right about now since those pests (James and Sirius. Though, mainly James) might want to bother him.
“How was the first day? Everyone alright?” Regulus asks, playing around with the soggy piece of toast. He let the butter sit too long.
“I suppose so. Lily– the red head, is having drama with her sister again, so that’s a bit rubbish. Mary’s complaining more than usually and I saw Dorcas and Marlene eyeing each other.”
Dorcas and Marlene? When did that become a thing? And since when was Marlene Mckinnion friends with Remus Lupin?
“They’re friends?” Regulus asks, “Cassy’s never told me about that.”
“I don’t think they’ve told anyone. I just caught them.” Remus shrugs, “Maybe something good will come out of it. Who knows.”
“Fuck, I hope not.” Regulus shakes his head.
Remus tilts his head, reaching over to grab the soggy piece of bread out of Regulus’ hand, “Why? Isn’t this a good thing? I’ve heard Dorcas has been looking for someone to actually have a real relationship with.”
“Marlene’s a part of my brother’s idiot friend group.”
“Marlene’s not that bad.” Remus tries.
“Still, I don’t want Sirius becoming buddy buddy with Barty or Evan.”
Remus shrugs, “well I just saw them looking at each other. Doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll be close.”
Regulus leans back, playing with his nasal. Since when has Remus been friends with Marlene and Mary? Regulus doesn’t know Marlene much but Mary started the fucking nickname of Baby Black. She’s always been close with Sirius, usually outside smoking whilst he gossips about whatever he’s found out. Whenever they pass in the hallways, she always has to make a show of him, calling him handsome and, “oh you look just like your brother!”
Regulus has always found her annoying. Maybe if she wasn’t friends with Sirius, he’d think of her differently. Would Dorcas turn into that? Marlene and Mary seem to be close as well, and if Dorcas does get close with Marlene, would she also get close with Mary? Which then would mean she’d be talking with Sirius and then eventually the whole fucking group.
What about Pandora and her whole Lily drama? Will they get close? And if they get close that would mean Pandora talks to Marlene which then that leads to Mary which then once again leads to Sirius and James.
Hell, Regulus life seems to just be getting better by the minute.
He watches in silence as Remus finishes off his breakfast. Regulus hasn’t been that hungry since he’s come to the hospital. He never is really. Hospital food tastes like shit and his nerves are on an all time high. Better than to sit and starve then to throw up from the constant anxiety.
“I should get going if I’m gonna make my train.” Remus mutters, grabbing a napkin to dry his hands.
“You gonna come next weekend?” Remus usually visits his mother every other weekend- unless she’s really sick. If that's the case, he comes every weekend. He always makes sure to come say hi to Regulus if he’s admitted in.
“Of course. Might skip the breakfast date though.” He snickers.
Regulus rolls his eyes and he helps clean up before watching Remus go back down the hallway to say one last goodbye to his mother.
He’s never met Ms. Lupin. Remus doesn’t say much about her and Regulus doesn’t push it. Though, he has seen her a few times. On the rare days where she’s out and walking with her cane and usually a nurse by her side. She’s got long blonde hair that’s graying and doesn’t seem to talk much either. But, what would Regulus know? He’s only seen her with a nurse, not with her son or her friends.
After Remus disappeared down the hallway, Regulus stands there awkwardly. He looks around at the few people still having a late breakfast and his eye catches on a young boy with an older boy. They look alike so Regulus safely guesses their siblings or at least related.
The two are sitting across from each other and talking. Just talking. Like nothing matters in the world. The older boy seems to be ignoring the hospital bracelet on the younger's wrist. The younger boy throws a chip at the older and the older instantly bites back, throwing a crumpled up napkin at his face. The younger one laughs.
Regulus looks away and heads back to his room. He fixes his mask over his nose and mouth and turns down the hallway to his room, noticing James’ door open. Regulus gets that itch back, the feeling of uneasiness looming over him again. His palms are sweaty. Regulus quickly walks past and shuts himself into his room, taking the mask off and breathing deep. Which gets cut off when he begins coughing into his elbow.
Remus’ sweater feels tight and hot on his body and he swiftly pulls it off, the draft air hitting his exposed torso. He yanks his nasal off before sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, trying to calm his spiking nerves. Why is this happening to him? What is even happening to him? Why is the reminder of James just fucking him up? It surely can’t be that scene James made on the roof last night. It has to be something else, but Regulus can’t put his finger on it.
The chilly air causes Regulus to shiver and he tsks at himself. Why can’t his body just decide on a temperature and allow him to wear clothes without the feeling of being closed off. He pulls out a lighter sweater, which is no doubt Remus’ and begins to pull it over his head but stops when he notices something.
His G-Tube is completely inflamed. A ring of bright red, expanding out covers around the tube that sticks out of his stomach. It’s fiery red and looks angry. Regulus swallows hard, feeling his hands tremble at the sight of it. He looks back up, throwing the sweater to his bed before looking back down and the sight.
Hesitantly, he presses a finger by the tube, right on the reddest part and instantly pulls back like it burnt him. He winces and bites the inside of his cheek, startled.
“Fuck…” Regulus mutters to no one.
He rushes over to his medcart, feeling out of breath. He touches the tops of each of the containers before traveling down the cart and he quickly reaches for a tub of Fucidin. This should lessen the red and cool it down, hopefully making it disappear over time. He opens it up and presses the cream all around the G-Tube, covering every inch of the burning redness of irration. He hisses with every touch, tears slowly forming but quickly blinking them away. He puts away the container after he’s just about put the entire Fucidin around the tube and swallows down a lump in his throat. The cream doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t even cool it down or make the red go a light pink. The pain only seems to grow now that he’s realized it and that he was pressing on it.
Regulus’ bottom lip trembles as he goes to grab the sweater.
-
James finishes off his shower as he hears his phone ring. He chuckles as he sees it’s from Sirius. Just a few moments ago, as James was coming back from the gym, he went and banged on Sirius' door, yelling at him to wake up. He would have continued doing it if Minnie hadn’t ruined the fun and told him to scram.
He answers seeing Sirius with dried drool still sticking to the side of his mouth with his hair in knots and tangled all together. He’s got droopy eyes and as he begins to say something, a yawn cuts him off.
“Good morning, Princess.” James says, picking his glasses up and shoving them onto his nose. As his vision becomes clear he sees Sirius’ middle finger covering the entire screen. He stifles a laugh.
“Fuck you Potter,” Sirius mumbles, his voice still raspy with sleep. He turns over and lays on his side, “I was getting my beloved beauty sleep. God knows I need it.”
“Sirius, you’re one of the laziest people I know. I should be the one getting beauty sleep.”
Sirius mumbles something that James doesn’t catch. He snickers in response and finally leaves the steaming bathroom to go find a shirt and pants. Sirius seems to have caught on that James is naked, just a towel hanging loosely around his waist.
“My, what have I done to deserve a show like this?” Sirius whistles, finally seeming awake instead of his sleepy, dreamy self. “Might just go risk my life to see this in person.”
“Do it, I’d love to see Minnie’s reaction.” James laughs as he pulls a shirt on.
There’s rusting coming from the phone and as James finally gets his head through the hole, he sees Sirius already tucking into his breakfast.
“Not gonna brush your teeth first?”
“Only fucking idiots brush their teeth before eating,” Sirius mumbles around a spoonful of cereal, “I mean like, you brush your teeth right? And it’s all squeaky clean and then you mess your teeth up by eating. Like that makes no sense to me.”
James shrugs. “But after you eat, you don’t have to worry about brushing your teeth. You can just clean up and do whatever the fuck you want.”
“Yes, but then you have smelly breath, and have to take a mint.” Sirius argues, shaking his head, “You wake up with bed breath, so you go and eat and then you brush your teeth. Boom. Simple. You’ve got nice breath and you don’t have to worry about anything stuck in your teeth.”
James finally sits down at his hospital bed, bringing the table over to him and uncovers his breakfast. James wishes he were at home with his mum’s cooking. But, this will have to do.
He pours the milk into the cereal as he watches Sirius begin his toast. Instead of using the butter they always get, he pulls out a whole jar of jam. Straight from his pocket it seemed like. He then, processes to spread it around the not even toasted bread.
“Hey! Where’d you get that?”
“Petey.” Sirius grins, licking his finger from sticky jam that stuck there.
“How’d you manage to get jam from Pete?! You guys have been fighting for like the entire summer.”
“Got that hideous bloke to break up with his sister. Just worked my magic and boom. Petey boy then snuck in some jam yesterday for me.”
James shakes his head, wet hair falling in front of his eyes. “Oh, fuck you Black. I was planning on helping with that!”
“Well, I just work faster.”
He proudly shows off the jam to the screen along with his toast. James fights the urge to roll his eyes.
“I think Mrs. Pettigrew made it. It tastes homemade, not like the ones they have in the stores with all those unnecessary chemicals and shit. James you've gotta try it.”
“Yeah, you’re so funny.” James says, shoveling a spoon of dry cereal into his mouth. “I hope you choke on it.”
Sirius laughs, seeming to have received the reaction he had wanted from James. James laughs at his laugh and reaches over to wipe his mouth off with a napkin. He doesn’t even process the sound of Sirius choking until he hears a thud.
“Sirius?!” James yells, at the phone and towards the door. He flies to his door, fear clouding his head and butterflies filling his stomach, pounding around his ribcage and heart. He almost runs to Sirius’ door when Poppy stops him and Minnie comes around, swinging the door open.
The door opens, revealing a coughing but laughing Sirius on the floor.
James exhales heavily, throwing a smile on his face as the worry and fear slowly drains away. Minnie shakes her head before walking away as Poppy walks in and helps Sirius up. James watches as he finally gets the last cough out and laughs weakly at James. He turns to Poppy.
“I’m sorry! I accidentally pressed the button. Won’t happen again, I promise.” Sirius grins, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. Poppy rolls her eyes at him and mutters something before walking away.
Sirius turns back to James and laughs. “You should have seen your face!”
James scoffs, smiling as he turns to go back to his room when his eyes meet Regulus.
He’s just standing there, staring from afar to Sirius’ room. His hands are wringing together and he seems almost lost, like he doesn’t realize he’s standing there. James picks a hand up to wave but Regulus seems to have snapped out of it and swiftly turned back to his room, the door shutting with a click.
Sirius pops his head out.
“Who was that?”
James shakes his head, turning to Sirius. “Regulus. He was just standing there.”
“Regulus?”
James nods.
“What’s he doing here?” Sirius asks, mostly to himself James thinks. He scratches the back of his neck. “He never comes to this hospital anymore, especially after the whole…”
Sirius cringes.
After Sirius ran away, the brother’s relationship was tainted. James understands why- well he thinks he does. Sirius had shown up soaking wet, coughing uncontrollably and sobbing his heart out. He kept just saying Regulus’ name, to the point it didn’t sound like anything. What James thinks is that Sirius wanted to take Regulus with him but ran out of time or couldn’t or something. Ever since, he’s been trying to see if he could get Regulus out, not caring that he could endanger himself and Regulus’ life. Even James’ life for that matter.
Sirius did try, multiple times. He came up with ideas that sounded very close to kidnapping. But, Sirius knew he couldn't do anything. Now that he had left and his parents made it very clear that he could not return, with the whole disowning and banishing him off the Black Family Tree, they would be keeping a very close eye on Regulus. They needed a heir and since Sirius was gone, it had to be Regulus.
When they started school again and Regulus had finally joined them, he completely ignored Sirius. Sirius for three weeks, didn’t talk to anyone. James found him crying in the bathroom between passing periods a couple of times. He cursed his illness for not being able to touch his best friend. The only thing he could do was sit six feet away from him and say comforting words that James knew didn’t mean anything to Sirius. But, what else could he say?
Though, after fifth year, Sirius just seemed not to care about Regulus anymore. Something just clicked it seemed. He never looked for Regulus in the Great Hall and he never tried to follow him around. He didn’t memorize his schedule to try and talk to him or even ask about him. He just pretended he wasn’t there, as Regulus had been doing for many years prior. James knew it hurt Sirius and he had brought it up once, which earned him a real argument with Sirius. Their first real hurtful one where they both said things they regret and they didn’t talk for a week. James never brought it up again. He just kept it to himself.
James blinks, catching Sirius walking away, back to his room. He does the same, looking at his phone as Sirius appears on the screen again.
“Anyways, back to our conversation-”
“You aren’t gonna say anything about Regulus?”
Sirius blinks, looking almost stunned. “What would I say? There’s nothing to be said.”
“You don’t mean that.” James mumbles, “Sirius, it’s your brother.”
“Okay? And we haven’t communicated in like, what, five years? What is there to say, James?”
They sit in silence for a moment. James goes back to his cereal.
“What’d he look like?” Sirius asks, softly.
James racks his brain for the image of Regulus he saw just now and the one he saw yesterday. “Older. He looks like you but a little meaner.”
Sirius snorts. “He got our mother’s looks. I got mostly my father’s.”
“He was wearing a jumper and sweats. His hair’s a bit longer. But not like yours.”
Sirius smiles, nodding before shoving the rest of the toast into his mouth.
“I saw him. Yesterday.” James admits.
Sirius looks up. “Oh yeah?”
He nods, “yeah he was in the NIQ and then he found me on the roof last night.”
Sirius raises an eyebrow. “What were you doing on the roof? Thinking of leaving me?”
“No. Just needed a little fresh air. You know, after talking with my mum and Minnie.”
“How was Effie? She still okay? Did Monty join you?”
“Yeah, she’s alright. Dad got caught up at work.” James says, leaving out the part with Minnie and him not taking his meds.
Surprisingly, Sirius hasn’t found out about James having B. Cepacia. He usually knows everything about James. He knows his favorite color, his favorite season, food, time of the day. He knows that James ties his shoes using the bunny ears still and that he hates the smell of flowers. How James can’t stand the taste of syrup. Sirius knows James more than James knows himself. It has always been like that. James has always told Sirius everything and vice versa. It’s just how they were. However, when James was diagnosed with B. Cepacia, James begged his parents not to tell Sirius. He begged Minnie and Poppy not to tell him. James wanted to tell Sirius on his own time and in his own words. Not just by finding out from his mother or Minnie letting something drop when she’s with Sirius.
But that time hasn’t come yet. James can’t bring himself to say it. And he’s convinced himself that Sirius already knows. It’s obvious. The way he has more medication and how Effie and Minnie have secret meetings and how Minnie and Poppy are always with him. But, Sirius isn't that observant sometimes. James knows that and deep down he knows that Sirius still doesn't have a clue what's happening with James. And it’s not fair to him, James knows. But, it just sucks. How can he tell his best friend that he has something with no cure? How could he tell Sirius he will never get new lungs? It's too difficult.
They both go back to eating, talking about random things that pop up. Afterwards, Sirius claims he needs a nap from the banging he woke up to. James lets him, knowing arguing and trying to do something wouldn’t lead anywhere. If Sirius wants to sleep, he sleeps. End of discussion.
Sirius hangs up and silence fills the room. The only thing causing noise is James, slowly breathing and the beeping of his oxygen tank charging. Everything else is quiet. James hates it.
The quietness drags on and James lets it. Knowing that in just a few moments a timer will go off and James would have to endure the dread of taking his meds. He can't even look at his medcart. It makes him feel guilty but also just rage. Pure angry rage.
He busies himself with cleaning. He folds some clothes and wipes down the table attached to the bed. He looks out the window and breathes hot air on it, drawing on the fog and then wiping it down with the sleeve of his hoodie. After, he grabs his phone, watching the timer tick down but choosing to ignore it as he checks his messages and makes sure his parents know he’s still alive and thriving.
The sound of ticking fills his ears, mocking him. James goes back to the window, finding it more comforting than sitting on his phone to distract him. He counts the cars and allows himself to drift into an imaginative world. Where he’s healthy and free to touch whoever he wants without the worry of catching something. Where his lungs actually work. Where the dread of a timer doesn’t loom over him.
His imaginative world ends when his phone buzzes the familiar tune of his timer. James can’t make himself stand up to turn off his phone. He can’t even make himself look over at his medcart. He just stares out the window, noticing a girl and a boy, holding hands. Their shoulders touch and they laugh and smile. At one point, they both stop and share a kiss. A small one, just a peck on the lips before the girl waves and heads in the direction of the entrance of the hospital. Perhaps to see a sick relative or sibling. Maybe she’s trying to become a doctor or nurse. James looks away.
The buzzing of his phone finally gets to him and he stands up, clicking it off. Then, his gaze snaps to his cart. The thousand of pills just sitting there, waiting to be taken, waiting to be swallowed with water and scraping his throat. James cracks his knuckles. It’s time to take his meds, why isn’t he moving? This isn’t the first time he’s ever taken medication, and certainly not the first time he’s ever taken this many pills for his sickness. He just needs to get it over and done with. Why isn’t he moving?
The word trials spins around his head until it hurts. Maybe it’ll work. They’ve been working on medication for B. Cepacia for a while now. This trial could work. He should try it. Trial and error. What happens if it doesn’t work though?
James breathes in, sitting down on the chair by the window. He can’t do it. As much as he wants to, he can’t force himself to just go over to the cart, snap open a bunch of containers and bottles and swallow them down with water. He can’t.
The looming feeling of ‘what if it doesn’t work?’ floods his entire head. Because, it never works. Not really. He has caught this deadly illness that is killing him. Properly killing him. Even with Cystic Fibrosis, at least he had a chance to fucking live. Now, this stupid, stupid, illness. This stupid bacteria-
James wants to live. He wants to fucking live and be like that couple on the street. He wants to make mistakes and learn from them. He wants to have a life and do shit he’ll regret in ten years time. He wants to mess around and just, live. But, he cant fucking do that with Burkholderia Cepacia coughing down his fucking throat and causing him to live with nothing but guilt, sadness, and the thought of how his life is completely fucking over before it even started.
He’s dying and James can’t do anything about it. He can take these meds, do new trials over and over again, do his AffloVest, follow his regimen, but then what? Just end up in the same place as where he was going in the first place?
His throat tightens and he forces himself to swallow the lump down his throat. He blinks past the tears trying to escape and he breathes in. Which he regrets doing as he leans over and coughs, his throat burning.
James’ phone buzzes again and he wipes his mouth, peeking over at the scene. It’s Marlene.
He wipes his eyes and picks up, smiling at the screen.
-
Regulus awakes to the sight of a pitch black sky. He furrows his brows. When did he fall asleep?
He pulls himself up, scratching the side of his face as he thinks back. He remembers leaving his room to see what the yelling down the hall was about and realizing Sirius had a small choking scene. He remembers calling Pandora finally and listening to her rant about her entire day and complaining. It felt good to hear her voice. Then, he remembers taking his medication and laying in bed. Regulus pushes the hair out of his eyes. Huh. Guess James fucked up his sleep schedule now.
He slides off his bed, his knees popping and goes to grab his phone. Midnight.
What’s Regulus supposed to do now that he’s awake? He doesn’t really have anything to do. He already caught up on school, checked up on his friends, talked to his parents (unfortunately). He doesn’t feel like writing nor watching crappy tv.
His stomach grumbles and Regulus cringes. He had a small breakfast and didn’t have lunch or dinner. The cafe’s probably closed but there's vending machines around with trashy food. Maybe he could grab a snack and see if Poppy’s still here.
Regulus grabs his bag, turning on his oxygen tank and slipping his nasal on, tapping the tubes twice. He slides on shoes, not even bothering to tie them and heads out, quietly closing his door. He looks out down the hallway.
Both James and Sirius have their doors closed. That’s a good sign at least. He fixes a mask over his nose and mouth and walks towards a small seating area, where a few vending machines stand filled with ‘healthy snacks.’
He takes the short way, passing both James and Sirius’ rooms. There isn’t any light emerging from under the door so they are both probably asleep. Finally, something good. As he walks, he passes Minnie and offers her a small wave to which she nods. Or Regulus thinks she nods to. She seems focused on something else. Regulus continues down the hallway and finally enters the seating area.
He scans around the room. There’s rows of green uncomfortable couches and some tables. An unfinished puzzle lays on a table and Regulus stops himself from going over and putting it away. He doesn’t want any of the pieces to get lost. He shakes himself before heading over to a vending machine, looking at the choices he has. Not many, really.
As he’s about to press a button, he realizes he doesn’t have any money. Fuck.
“Goddamnit.” Regulus mutters, tsking at the vending machine.
“How much do you need?”
Regulus blinks, turning around to find James laying down on a green couch, just a few feet away from him. Regulus takes a step back, his back hitting the vending machine.
“It’s fine.” He mutters, gripping the strap of his bag and almost takes a step to the side to leave. He really doesn’t want to talk to James.
James sits up then, stopping Regulus in his tracks. He digs in his bag. “No really, it’s fine. I was thinking of getting something too.”
Regulus watches as James pulls out a wallet and stands up. He doesn’t move though.
“Kinda need to get to the vending machine.”
“I don’t want anything.”
“Okay,” he chuckles, “I want something, though.”
Regulus scoots to the side, making sure to leave enough distance between him and James.
He stops in front of the machine and scans the snacks. “You sure you don’t want anything? I have enough money.”
“It’s not like you can hand me the item if you bought it either way.”
James digs in his bag and pulls out a set of gloves, sliding them on. “No, but I can toss it to you. Unless you’re afraid I’d hit your pretty face.”
He puts in the money and clicks a button. A second later, a small bag of cookies falls and James reaches to grab it. He turns to Regulus.
“Number 8.”
“Should have known.” James says, pressing the number. “I remember you always had chocolate all over your face.”
Regulus shrugs.
James takes the chocolate bar out of the machine and tosses it to Regulus who, thankfully, catches it. He’s about to leave when James sits down and pats the area besides him.
“I’m not sitting next to you,” Regulus says, opening the bar, “I already said I wouldn’t.”
“I’m not necessarily saying you sit next to me. Just sit near me.”
“Why?”
James shrugs, plopping a cookie into his mouth. “Got anything else to do?”
Regulus figures he could find something better to do. But might as well. He travels to the end of the green couch and sits down; his body tense and Regulus honestly should just leave. This is ridiculous.
James turns his body to face Regulus, making sure not to move any closer. Regulus doesn’t dare move. He just looks at James through the corner of his eye.
“You gonna eat your chocolate bar?” James asks, chuckling slightly. “I spent £8 on that. I wouldn't have bought it if you weren’t gonna eat it.”
“I told you I didn’t want anything.”
“And yet you still told me you wanted number 8.” James leans into the couch, shrugging with a stupid smile plastered on his face.
Regulus slowly takes off his mask and takes a bite. His stomach is tense, tight with butterflies. Just being near James and his B. Cepacia makes Regulus feel horrible. He should have just left as soon as he heard James say something.
But the chocolate soothes his stomach’s grumbling and provides some sort of food into his body. Regulus slowly relaxes, just enough to be comfortable on the uncomfortable couch. James hums.
“Can’t sleep?” He asks.
“You fucked up my sleep schedule with your late night antics.”
“What did I do?” James laughs.
Regulus takes another bite of the chocolate bar. “Your being suicidal on the roof thing.”
“I wasn’t suicidal! And last time I checked, you locked me out,” James smugly says, tracing his finger along the stem of the couch, “Were you worried about me?”
Regulus audibly scoffs at that, almost choking on the chocolate. “Really? I would fucking care less James.”
“Then how did I mess up your sleep schedule?”
“Because.”
“Because?”
Regulus nods, finishing off his candy bar and crumbling up the plastic.
“Sorry for going out to the roof, minding my own business and worrying you, Reggie.” James teases, a smile playing on his lips. Regulus wants to smack him.
“I wasn’t worried. I told you; I could care less.”
“Sure.”
Regulus brings up his mask, turning to fully look at James.
“You look like shit.”
“Thanks. You look pretty too.” James replies instantly.
Regulus rolls his eyes but he does look pretty awful. He’s got deep dark circles under his eyes and his normally glowing skin is pale and sickly looking. His eyes have bright red rings and his hair is limp. It’s not that crazy wild look, it’s almost, Regulus would dare to say, tame. He’s skinner and lankier than before. The sweatpants James is wearing look ten times too big. That can’t be healthy.
“You do though,” Regulus says, wringing his hands together, “you know, look like shit.” He looks away.
“Just what B. Cepacia does to someone.” He mumbles, so softly Regulus almost didn’t catch it.
“When did you get it?”
Regulus doesn’t really know why he’s still here. He really doesn’t. He hates James’ guts. He’s literally been doing everything in his power to avoid James, in the hospital and at school. He literally was worrying earlier about his friends becoming closer with James and Sirius’ idiotic friend group and how he’d be tangled up into it. Now, he’s just sitting with James, six feet away, having a conversation about something personal. It’s strange to think about.
“A few weeks ago.” James says, his voice louder this time. Regulus catches the sadness laced in his voice. He turns his head, meeting his dark eyes behind his glasses. “I went in for a bad fever and they found it. Been doing trials ever since.”
Regulus nods, bringing a knee to his chest. He plays with the end of his sweatpants.
“Sounds shitty.”
“You’ve got no idea.” James laughs bitterly. Regulus has never heard James have such a tone like that. Every memory he has of James when they were younger has always been happy. James was always the one making the two brother’s laugh and feel welcome into the scary hospital. Regulus doesn’t even think he’s seen James cry.
“It’s so fucked.” James mutters, raking a hand through his hair, “It makes me feel like there's not even a reason to be taking my medication, you know? Not even a reason to try to-”
“You aren’t taking your meds?” Regulus suddenly feels uneasy. His hands turn clammy, and his chest is tight.
James shakes his head. “I know I should, I’m not stupid. But it’s so pointless. I have no chance at getting new lungs, there’s no fucking cure for this stupid-”
James stops, coughing into his elbow. Regulus swallows, cracking his knuckles. Oh fuck, everything just feels wrong. His legs feel tight and every joint in his body feels as though they’ve turned into jelly. His chest feels tight and he feels as though his lungs might burst, finally, from the pressure. He wants to leave.
So, he does. Regulus stands up, ignoring James’ voice and walks away. He walks fast, ignoring the burning of his lungs and doesn’t even realize he’s passed Poppy or even recognize her voice. He passes James’ and Sirius’ room before reaching his and closing the door behind him.
As the door clicks, he pulls off his bag and detaches the nasal from his nose. Then, he reaches for his sweater, pulling it off, letting the chilly air touch his sweaty body. He breathes in, ignoring the protest of his lungs, ignoring the burning of his G-Tube, and breathes out, trying to calm his racing heart. Everything feels wrong.
How could James not do his medication? How could he say this is all pointless? Doesn’t he know that those meds are there for a fucking reason? He’s alive mostly because of those pills and those shots and those IV bags of antibiotics. How stupid can he be?
Is Sirius doing the same? Are they both just going through some rebellious thing and ignoring their treatments?
Regulus is struggling to breathe and it actually feels as though his lungs have decided to give out. Regulus wouldn’t mind at this moment, knowing this information. It would honestly feel like a gift because how could he live with this information? Why would James tell him that?
He falls onto his bed and focuses on trying to slow down his breathing as best as he can. Just trying to fall back into his normal, shitty, breathing pattern, which is harder then fucking normal since, once again, James is continuously popping into his head and fucking him up. Though, this time Sirius is also appearing into his head which is screwing him up even more. They're such idiots. How could Regulus be related to one of them?
Finally, after what seems like hours, Regulus finally catches his breath and begins coughing up mucus. It burns his throat but Regulus welcomes the burn knowing he’s not actually going to die. He blinks away tears and wipes his mouth, letting out a heavy sigh.
He leans back onto the bed, bringing his hands up to rub at his eyes. Fuck, what is he going to do? He actually can’t live like this. He can breathe but the feeling of uneasiness is still there, very much present and the thought of James and possibly Sirius not doing their medication is also very much present. He feels wrong, like something is pressing down at his chest. As well as making his joints tight and causing him to feel the feeling of sweat. It just feels awful.
Regulus feels miserable. How’s he supposed to live like this?