hogstuck

chapter one: an unearthly childe

twas a balmy ottoman mourning on 413 privet drive. it was the thirteenth birthday of april for a boy named john egbert, who lives under the floorboards because his dad is bald and evil

'BOY' beckoned johns dad 'GET YOUR FAT ASS UP HEAR'

little johnny scampered out from under the floorboards because he was a good christian boy who honoured thy father even if hes a total douche bag

'good morrow daddy' john egret smiled whitely 'how nice to see you at four thirteen am'

'shut the fuck up miss piggy and' replied johns dad 'make me some damn coffee & toast & marmalade'

john obliged. he didnt hate his dad because that would be sinful also he didnt know what a good family is and ignorance is bliss

it was sunday but john didnt go to church because his daddy didnt go to church and john was too young to drive and also between you and me i think johns dad might be a muslim. anyways later that day the postman came out to deliver a letter.

the mail guy came up to the door and knocked. johns dad answered in underwear. 'excuse me sir' said the post guy 'is this privet drive'

'who wants to know' said johns dad with his glock out. 'get the fuck off my god damn property or ill pump you fill of lead'

the letterman backed away slowly because daddy used the lords name in vain. 'who was that sir' inquired john

'none of your fucking business' snarled johns dad as he turned around and pointed the gun at john 'and from now on' he continued with his tie dangling over his clock 'you will address me as sir'

'yes sir' john addressed. he was very confused as to why his dad hated mail so much

the next morrow john got up early to try and beat his dad to the mail and this time he did. he opened the letter with a rusty toothpick hed been saving for just the occasion. the outside of the letter red in blood ink HOGWARTS EXPRESS

john started reading the letter but the writing was dogshit and it was really dark that morning so he went to turn on a light and when he did his dad was there

'what the fuck do you think your doing lard ass' daddy inquisited 'get back to bed tubby'

john was very unhappy. 'but daddy i want to read this letter. you never let me read things'

'thats because your a stupid idiot pig headed little pig boy and you need to get in to bed right fucking now' dad snatched the letter away 'this is totally just taxes or jury duty or some dumb adult shit you dont need to worry about. ill just burn it with the rest of the latters in the dumpster out back'

'but daddy the letter said it was my eleventh birthday and i need to go to hogwarts' interposed little johnny

'my jesus christ almighty' swore dad 'if i hear one more thing about hogwarts one more time i will ship you to a boarding school in uh i dunno china. hogwarts is a bitch ass school for pussies and gay people. youar e going to yale like a real man'

and that was the last of it. the next morning dad packed john up and his things and piled them all into the station wagon and drove from theyre suburban jungle to the train station where dad was going to send his son to yale

obliviously before they could get on the train they were stopped by a very big guy

'HELLO' he bellowed 'I AM REUBEN HAGRID'

'GOODBYE' bellowed dad 'I AM DAD' bellowed dad

dad attempted to drag john back to the car but hagrid picked him up by the hair

'WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING' bellowed hagrid 'LITTLE JOHNNY BOY NEEDS TO GO TO HOGWARTS'

'the fuck are you talking about this boy has no future' argued dad 'hes going to yale'

'LIKE FUCK HE IS' bellowed hargid 'YOUR A WIZZARD JOHNY'

'hes going to yale damn it and thats final' insisted dad 'im putting my foot down' but he couldnt put his foot down because hagird picked him up

'ILL GIVE YOU ONE CHANCE TO REPENT BECAUSE ILL SEND YOU TO JESUS' BEllowed haggrid

'shove jesus up your asshole and smoke it' said daddy. and just like that hragid pulled his umbrella out, shoved it up dads nose and gave him a full blast of purple magic blast. dads head exploded

'golly' exclaimed johnny

'COME ON MY BOY' bellowed hagrid and picked john up 'THE TRAIN IS ALMOST LATE'

hagrid picked john up and held him like a football as he charged like a football player across the crowded train station like a game of football. john was having the time of his life. suddenly hagird bust through a wall

'OH YEAH' bellowed hagrid

'why did you do that i wonder' wondered johnn

'I NEED TO GO THROUGH A WALL TO' bellowed hargid 'PLATFORM NINE AND THREE QUARTERS'

'more like quarterbacks amirite' quipped john 'but back in the stone age...'

hagger loocked overthe sea of humans and lookced at the cock

'ASS' bellowed haggard 'WERE GONNA BE LATE' as be busted through two more walls

'may i help you sir' said an employee but hagrid just fucking up and shot the poor bastard

'why did you do that i wonder' wondered johnn

hagrid did not respond because he was too basy busting bricks like a real gangster. suddenly and terribly john egbert and hagrid whatever his last name is saw the most TERRIBLE THING THEY COULD HAVE IMAGINED