Inspections
Sirius watched the door close on Severus as his heart closed with it. He stared at the dark entrance for a moment, frustrated, disappointed and perhaps even a little angry. What was Severus playing at? The man clearly had no desire for Sirius to continue his increasingly desperate attempts to draw his attention to the fact that - Sirius had admitted to himself - he liked Severus and wanted him. He always ended up running away from him in some bizarre way, but never pushed him away from the start of their more or less awkward flirtations. Something inside him told him that Severus wanted it as much as he did, but that he didn't dare, and that he was embarrassed by the discovery. After a while, Sirius realised that he had been alone in the corridor for a long time and that he should go back to Remus. Perhaps it was time to try and talk to Severus about what was going on?
In any case, there was an Order meeting scheduled for the following weekend and Sirius was delighted at the thought that Severus would have a good excuse - an obligation - to come to his house.
When Sirius returned to the kitchen, Remus was waiting for him, finishing his tea and smiling at him. Sirius felt an indescribable joy come over him again as he saw his friend's face light up. He was here, thanks to Severus.
"Is everything all right?" asked Remus.
"Yes, Severus has gone back to Hogwarts," Sirius sighed.
The werewolf let a few moments pass, then said:
"You're getting on well, aren't you? What... how come?"
"Do you think?" asked Sirius, blushing slightly. "I feel like I'm getting on his nerves. He often makes comments about me being stupid and impulsive or something."
"Maybe it's because you are a bit stupid and impulsive," Remus suggested, laughing.
Sirius smiled too.
"I don't know if I told you, we've hardly seen each other since the summer. But let's just say... I got to know him quickly, in a very intimate way. That's bound to create a bond."
"But what about Snape? You've always hated each other and then he shows up to help me, you hug him..."
"I didn't hug him," Sirius protested, blushing more openly this time. "It's just that we've decided to put the past behind us and concentrate on the war at hand. We need each other."
"I'm impressed by your maturity, Padfoot!"
"Stop it," Sirius replied with a smile.
It had been decided that Remus would stay at 12 Grimmauld Square for a while to recover from his ordeal. Dumbledore was to come by later in the week to check on him and debrief him on the mission he had led. Sirius appreciated having a reassuring presence at his side and he was having one of the best weeks since Severus had left home at the end of the summer.
While the days passed peacefully in anticipation of the next directives that would surely be shared at the upcoming meeting, the nights were difficult for Sirius. As he went to bed each night, he thought over and over again about the miserable life he had been forced to lead. Growing up in his family, Sirius had known only the iron discipline of his parents - especially his mother - and the endless conventions of Purebloods. Hogwarts had been his refuge, James his saviour.
Then he was locked up for 12 years in the most terrible place in the world for the murder of the person he loved most in the world, his wife and son. His entire youth had been sacrificed, without trial. Dumbledore and the others had failed him. Every night, Sirius went to bed fearing he would wake up in Azkaban. Alone in his teenage bed, when he thought back to prison, he felt as if the iron bars of the heavy cell door were closing on his chest, blocking the air and making him dizzy. He fought these feelings and these strange forces that tried to take over his mind, and sometimes he would sink. Sirius knew that his habit of getting up and having a drink was particularly bad. Especially when the drinks turned into bottles and Sirius couldn't find his bed. On several occasions he had been surprised in the morning by a member of the Order coming into the kitchen where Sirius had fallen asleep, his head resting in his arms on the table. An empty bottle of firewisky or wine lay beside him, the contents occasionally spilling onto the floor or onto him.
Sirius wasn't even ashamed of it. He knew he was broken and didn't care what anyone said or thought about him. Harry was all he lived for. Or at least from the time of his escape until this summer, his godson had been his only source of joy. Sirius had discovered that his thirst for revenge had given him purpose, but once Pettigrew had escaped, only the moments he spent communicating with Harry had brought him comfort and meaning. Freedom was not what Sirius had imagined. Reaching a part of the bottle whose absorbed liquid still allowed him to formulate thoughts, the Gryffindor mused that perhaps it would have been better to let the Dementors administer their kiss to him, as Snape had wanted at the time. Snape... Severus now.
He had become one of the other reasons that aroused a mixture of emotions that proved to himself that he still wanted to be there. Sirius had been driven by revenge: he wanted to know who had made Severus lose his memory, who had tortured him. And why. Over the summer he had become obsessed with the story, and Sirius knew that a large part of his attraction to the Slytherin was due to his own desire for revenge, to protect him. The fact that Severus was a great wizard, powerful and intelligent, the fact that he could be broken in such a way, did not please Sirius at all. At first he thought of the Order as a way to force himself to look after Severus, but little by little... Little by little, he was doing it for himself as well. He wanted more than anything to help Severus and prove himself. And in the midst of his desire for revenge, Sirius had noticed that Severus's eyes were really beautiful, and that was almost all he could think about. Now Sirius wanted to bury the hooked nose that had brought Severus so much ridicule in his neck. He wanted to stroke the man's dark hair and so many other things.
Sirius walked into Severus' room. He looked at the worn leather bag that the man had forgotten to take with him when he fled, and at the large volume that Sirius had been afraid to take back to the library. Maybe he still needed it. Sirius sighed, he had neglected his promise to continue his research, he had felt so bad in the few weeks Severus had been missing that he hadn't had the strength to do anything to help the man's memory. Then he had come back, running to save Remus. Sirius remembered the kiss on his cheek, in fact he did more than remember, he thought about it often with renewed vigour, especially when he was alone in bed, imagining all the other places he could place his lips on Severus. His skin was incredibly soft, even the scar that marked his cheekbone had tasted sweet under his lips.
"Sirius?" came Remus' voice from the stairs.
The Gryffindor jumped and looked down, forcing himself to assume a natural posture and think of unpleasant things quickly so that Remus wouldn't notice the object of his thoughts. Moony suspected something.
"I'm here," Sirius replied as he got up from the bed and left the room.
He came face to face with his friend in the corridor.
"What are you doing in here?" asked Remus curiously.
"I wanted to take a look at that book Sev was using the other night."
That was only half a lie.
"I see," Remus said without being fooled. "Do you want to take a trip to the library to continue our research? Albus told us yesterday that we could..."
"I don't care what Dumbledore says," Sirius growled, cutting him off. "I didn't wait for him to tell me to help Severus before I did."
Sirius was still angry at him for not asking Severus to come and heal Remus immediately, and he was also angry at him for coming up with a new plan to force Severus to use dark magic and make an illegal potion. He had seen that the Aurora Frangit had cost Severus far more than he had let on. If only Dumbledore could say things clearly, instead of manipulating everyone into thinking they had come to their own conclusions, only to discover afterwards that they had been manipulated.
"I can see you're in a mood! Come on Pads, he saved my life, motivate yourself and follow me to the library."
Sirius didn't need any convincing. He followed Remus and together they entered the huge room Sirius hated so much. Perhaps if he could find a cure for Severus, he might one day try to make peace with this place. They rearranged the shelves and after Sirius reminded Moony to be careful as he was still weak, he headed for his shelf, determined not to let his promise slip again.
They searched all afternoon. The next day they did it again, and the day after that. The books were full of horrible, unimaginable things, stories of treatises to preserve Purebloods, potions to make people suffer the most infamous tortures. Sirius was disgusted by what he read and couldn't think of a way to help Severus in any way. The Gryffindor began to lose hope that the bookstore would be of any help, but it had helped Remus.
On Thursday afternoon, the two men were startled from their search. The portrait of Sirius's mother screamed. They jumped to their feet, drew their wands and rushed down the stairs. It had to be a member of the Order! As they ran down the stairs, they saw a small, thin figure struggling to close the curtains in front of the horrible portrait of Walburga. Sirius recognised Tonks.
"Hello!" he said, lowering his wand.
"Oh, Sirius! Hi! Do you want to help me I..."
The two men approached and helped him to silence the former mistress of the house.
"I'm sorry," the young woman groaned. "I tripped over that big umbrella stand again..."
" It's all right," Sirius reassured her with a smile.
Deep down he was disappointed, realising that he had secretly hoped to see Severus' black-clad figure.
"I heard you were back, Remus," Tonks said as she turned to him, her youthful face bright with happiness. "I was worried when you disappeared and thought I'd drop in."
Remus looked surprised.
"Did you really? That's nice, Dora," he said hesitantly.
"Dumbledore told me you'd been injured," she continued, frowning. "But you look fine to me!"
"Yes, I was healed, I was lucky."
"Was it you, Sirius? Or Dumbledore?"
"We can sit down and have a drink," Sirius suggested. "We'll tell you all about it."
The three members of the Order went into the kitchen and Sirius and Remus locked eyes: they knew it was best not to mention Severus and not to give too many details about the evening they had spent together. They didn't want to draw attention to the use of illegal spells and potions. When the story was finished, with a few changes where Severus merely assisted Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey, Tonks gave an admiring whistle.
Sirius couldn't help but notice the looks she gave Remus. They reminded him of the way he himself might behave in Severus' presence. She was smiling a little too much, her eyes were twinkling, and she seemed deeply concerned for Remus. Monny, on the other hand, was business as usual and didn't seem to notice anything.
"What were you doing with Dumbledore?" asked Remus in an interested tone after they had talked at length about his mission and his recovery.
"I just went to Hogsmeade to see if everything was all right, you know, typical Order stuff. He was in this weird pub called the Hog's Head. I took the liberty of asking him about you."
She gave Remus another look and batted her eyelashes mischievously.
"That good old pub," Sirius commented. "Dumbledore always liked to go there for a drink when he wanted to be alone."
"He wasn't alone," Tonks replied. "He was with Snape."
"What?" exclaimed Sirius.
"They were drinking, I don't know what. Snape seemed to be in a very bad mood, he practically ran out of the bar when I arrived."
"What do you mean? What were they talking about? What did they talk about?" asked Sirius hastily.
Remus gave him a confused look. But apparently Tonks hadn't noticed Sirius' urgent tone.
"I don't know exactly," Tonks replied. "Dumbledore told me that Umbridge is getting more and more power in the school and that she has started to inspect all the teachers. She was in Snape's classroom during the day, and I imagine he must have complained to Dumbledore."
“That’s ridiculous!”, Lupin exclaimed, scandalised.
The Auror shrugged.
"I bet Snape must have given the old Harpy a hard time," Tonks commented cheerfully.
But Sirius felt anger and cold fear rising inside him. Surely this inspection had been a very difficult time for Severus. Perhaps his memory had returned? Or had he panicked? If he had gone for a drink with Dumbledore to talk about it, then something must have happened.
"Is that all?" asked Sirius, trying to hide his emotions.
"Er, yes, I think so. Well, as I understand it, Snape's inspection was quite eventful, with Dumbledore claiming he needed a bit of a pick-me-up. That's all he said."
Sirius bit his lip, worried.
"I hope it went well," he said, more to himself than to anyone else.
"What's that supposed to mean? I thought you hated Snape," Tonks commented in a conversational tone.
"No, no, we're... well, we're getting on better, you know. Since this summer. I mean, I hope Severus doesn't mind the old toad."
Sirius felt himself blushing at his own awkward words.
"So, you two have sort of patched things up," Tonks insisted. "And yet... you've hated him since you were children! You told me so yourself and..."
"We don't hate each other anymore, that's all," Sirius cut in, feeling a little uncomfortable.
So far, only Remus and Dumbledore had witnessed this new friendship first hand. Sirius realised that he could expect a lot of comments when people found out that they had buried the wand. He'd better get used to it.
"Don't you think it was Severus who had a bad time during the inspection and not Umbridge?" continued Sirius despite himself.
"Well, I admit I hadn't really thought about it. Knowing Snape, I assumed he had the upper hand, but I also know that Umbridge is terrible."
There was silence again. Sirius couldn't help but wonder how Severus had coped with what must have been a real ordeal for him. He was worried.
"You'll have to ask him yourself, he'll be at the Order meeting tomorrow night, won't he?" asked Tonks gently.
"Yes, he will," Sirius replied, feeling down.
He wasn't sure if he would make it to the next day, but he had no choice. He was dying to hear what Severus had to say.