The secret weapon
Severus felt his head continue to spin as he reached his personal quarters at Hogwarts, and he knew it had nothing to do with the hasty Apparition he had just made. He had run away from Sirius, once again. As he locked himself, casting the protective spells to seal his door and isolate his private quarters, Severus noticed his hand trembling slightly. Sinking into his favourite armchair as usual, he casually cast a spell to light a roaring fire to warm the freezing room.
Sirius Black had come very close to kissing him. He knew it, he'd felt it, and he hadn't needed to read his mind to guess the man's obvious desire. Severus had seen it, witnessed the effect he himself had on Black. He frowned and ran his hands over his face in exhaustion. No matter how much he thought about it, as he had tried to do over the last few weeks, Severus could not understand how someone like Sirius Black could be interested in him. He had thought it was friendship, then that he was deluding himself and that Black couldn't possibly desire or flirt with him. But since this morning, Severus had known that it wasn't just speculation; he'd had proof that Black wished he'd put his lips to his instead of his cheek. Severus instinctively ran his hand over the spot where Black's mouth had brushed his skin. He felt the scar beneath his fingers.
“Why,” Severus thought, “why me? Why me? He's always hated and criticised me, how can anyone change their mind so quickly...”. Then another voice in his head reminded him that Sirius had apologised, that he found Severus's 'doe eyes' more beautiful than anything. He remembered his help in finding a cure in the books in the Black library, and his statement that Severus made him want to fight, to be useful. He wanted to protect him. The Potions Master knew he was blushing, alone in his chair, thinking of Black's compliments, of his soft, sensual lips on his cheek. Suddenly, he felt his member swell again in the middle of his legs, and it took Severus only a few strokes to feel the explosion of pleasure sweep through his entire body as he let out a moan.
Exhilaration gave way to fatigue, and Severus reluctantly rose to take a hot shower to soothe his aching muscles. Under the water, he sighed in relief and felt his mind clear a little. He was determined to avoid a discussion with Black about what had or hadn't happened. He would simply continue to ignore the other man's signals and those of his own body: there was a secret war going on and he didn't have time for that. If Voldemort discovered his feelings for his blood traitor Sirius Black, Severus was sure the Dark Lord would know how to exploit that weakness. He'd done it last time. So had Dumbledore.
As he dried himself, lost in thought, Severus had a revelation: he had just realised that she was the secret weapon Voldemort had spoken of during their last meeting. And the realisation chilled him with horror. He hurried to dress, barely having time to regret the rest of the day he was going to spend in his armchair with a book and tea. Severus hesitated, his heart pounding. Who should he speak to first? Should he try to get to Malfoy Manor, hoping to find Voldemort there, or should he try to find out about their next meeting, hinting that he had something important to tell him? Or knock on the door of the Headmaster of Hogwarts and tell him his idea? He didn't need Dumbledore's approval, Severus knew he had understood, that he was right. He knew the weapon Voldemort wanted to defeat Potter with. And he knew where it was.
The Slytherin thought very quickly and made his decision. He knew exactly where his true loyalty lay.
Severus rushed down the corridor and out of the dungeons, his long black robes flapping in the air behind him, swirling furiously as he went. He glared at every student who crossed his path and was pleased to see them look away and hurry in the opposite direction. It wasn't late and they had every right to be roaming the corridors, but Severus felt so angry and panicked at the same time that he thought it must show on his face. They had better get out of here, he felt ready to take 50 points off any house for any reason. Reaching the second floor, Severus hurried to the stone gargoyle guarding the entrance to the Headmaster's office and uttered 'Drooble's Best Blowing Gum' with a grimace of disgust, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.
The gargoyle swivelled and turned to let him in, he climbed the spiral staircase and knocked on the office door.
“Come in,” came Dumbledore's kind voice.
Severus pushed the door open and slammed it behind him.
“Severus!" exclaimed the Headmaster, his face lighting up with joy. “How are you?”
“I know what weapon the Dark Lord is after," Severus said, completely ignoring Dumbledore's polite remarks and questions.
Dumbledore straightened in his seat, his eyes sparkling but serious.
“Really?”
“It's about... the prophecy. The prophecy about the Potters that... that I heard. I think the Dark Lord wants to find it and hear it in its entirety, hoping to find a way to kill the boy.”
Severus felt his heart pound in his ribs. The anger at his discovery seemed to grow with each passing moment. As did his fear.
“It's remarkable," Dumbledore said softly. “I admit, I hadn't thought of it myself. You're obviously right...”
The Slytherin stared at the Headmaster.
“It's at the Ministry of Magic, isn't it? We have to take every precaution to protect the door that leads to the Department of Mysteries. He knows that, and he'll try to get in, or send someone to get it for him. Maybe me...”
“He won't send you," Dumbledore told him in a quiet but confident voice. “He wouldn't trust you to steal anything that mentioned Lily Potter.”
Severus felt as if he'd been hit over the head with a splash of ice water as his anger grew. He was losing control of himself.
“Don't talk about her," he hissed. “Don't you think you've made me pay enough for my mistake? What will you do to protect the Prophecy? I need to tell the Dark Lord quickly that I've found the weapon, but that you've beaten me to it. I must inform him of what the Order of the Phoenix will do to guard the gate.”
“I know, Severus, I know," Dumbledore sighed. “We'll be on guard duty, plain and simple. There must be a member of the Order outside the entrance to the Ministry of Magic, twenty-four hours a day. We'll discuss it at the meeting this weekend, but in the meantime, I'll ask Alastor and Kingsley to take care of it for this week.”
Severus, suddenly aware of how exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed he was, sat down in one of the chairs facing Dumbledore's office.
“I thought I wouldn't have to hear any more about this prophecy," he said. “I thought it was behind me.”
“The prophecy is what started the war, Severus, though it would have happened anyway. You can't put it behind you.”
The Slytherin sat up and stared into Dumbledore's calm blue eyes. He feared what Voldemort might discover if he listened to the prophecy in its entirety. He feared the consequences. He feared he would fail to protect Lily's ungrateful son and break his promise. He was furious at the Headmaster's condescending attitude and calm tone, furious that he had uttered Lily's name, furious that the Dark Lord had forced him into the humiliating position of having to tell him that he had understood what the weapon was and that it was the weapon he himself had partly supplied so long ago that had destroyed his life.
“I understand how you feel, Severus," Dumbledore said. “I'm sorry you're in this position, but it's your fault you're in it now. That doesn't mean I don't feel for you. Don't let your guilt eat you up. If you're not cold-blooded, you're easy prey for Voldemort, and the Order needs you.”
“So that's all I am!," Severus exploded. “Just another puppet to be manipulated at your whim? You don't care how dangerous it is for me! I hope you don't understand how I feel, because if you do, you're behaving abjectly!”
“This is what you signed up for, Severus," Dumbledore said, his tone suddenly very cold. “You're a puppet, it's true, like the rest of us, but you have the advantage of knowing who's manipulating you and you're clever enough to anticipate moves. Don't come whinging to me, you should know by now that I'm not the person to comfort you. Not when it comes to Harry and Voldemort.”
“I'm not whinging!," Severus shouted. “I've just given you dangerous information, more useful than anything the Order has ever done, and you find a way to lecture me!”
“Moral lessons are always useful," Dumbledore continued. “Thank you for coming to give me this information, which is indeed dangerous and very valuable, Severus. I see you look exhausted and you haven't answered my first question, how are you?”
“As if you give a damn! I've just spent the weekend at Black's curing the werewolf, another thing you sent me to do indirectly, without bothering to tell me the details! I succeeded, by the way, you'll be pleased to know, although I don't imagine you'd be interested to know how I did it, that I used dark magic, illegal magic, that it cost me, no, of course you're not interested in any of that, because the main thing was to save the werewolf's life, and after all, as you're kind enough to remind me, the position I'm in is entirely my fault, and I deserve it!”
Breathlessly, Severus looked at Dumbledore with all the anger he could muster. He had shouted all this without loosening his teeth, feeling that if he allowed his jaw to open, he would not be able to control the sobs that would inevitably come out. He waited, trying to calm himself. Crying in front of Dumbledore would be one of the worst things he could do, especially after denying that he would do such a thing. He didn't often lose his temper in front of the Headmaster, and slowly Severus felt a vague sense of shame come over him. This time, however, he pushed it deep down and tried to ignore it, he had every right to be angry and to expect an apology. It took a few minutes for it to come. After a moment of silence, Dumbledore said, looking very sad:
"Forgive me, Severus. I should have come to you immediately and asked for your help. I am so relieved to hear that you were able to save Remus. I knew you could."
"I don't want you to do anything like that to me again," Severus said, controlling his anger. "If you have something to ask me, come and say it to my face. And stop lecturing me about my Death Eater past, I'm on your side now. I'd be on your side even if Lily had been spared. And don't ask me how I'm doing unless you're really interested in the answer."
Severus started to get up and leave, but Dumbledore stopped him with a look.
“All right, Severus.”
The sadness in the Headmaster's tone was not enough to convince the Slytherin that Dumbledore would start acting like he actually cares, but it assured him that he had got the message.
“I'll tell you something, too. Remember I told you I thought Voldemort and Harry were connected without either of them really knowing it?”
Severus nodded, interested despite himself.
“It's only a matter of time before Voldemort finds out. Harry's been having strange dreams, he told Sirius. It would be good to find out exactly what Harry's dreaming about and make sure he doesn't find out about the prophecy.”
“Very well," said Severus, somewhat reassured, but with no idea what Dumbledore wanted from him.
“You might try asking Sirius what Harry told him.”
“Why me?" asked Severus, feeling his stomach lurch at the mention of Sirius' name.
“I understand you're on friendly terms with Sirius, unlikely as that may seem. You've just saved the life of one of his dearest people in the world. That puts you in a good position to provoke a, let's say, private discussion. Even intimate.”
“An intimate conversation with Black? And what makes you think I'd want that?" exclaimed Severus, his voice a little higher than usual.
“If we know exactly what Harry is dreaming about, it will give us a huge advantage over Voldemort. The boy may not understand, but I do.”
“So why don't you go and have that 'intimate talk' with Black yourself," Severus replied.
“Because I'm asking you to. Sirius hasn't been very kind to me lately.”
“And I can't imagine why," Severus thought ironically.
“Fine, fine,” the Slytherin repeated grumpily. “I'll try and speak to him after the meeting next Friday.”
“Thank you, Severus," Dumbledore said cheerfully. “You're a valuable ally, I hope you know that.”
Severus shrugged and refrained from rolling his eyes.
“Of course, you are," Dumbledore insisted. “I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I thought that after all these years you would not need to hear me say how much I trust you.”
“It's not..." Severus began.
“Don't think I laugh at you, Severus. I care for you, regardless of your role in this war.”
Severus said nothing, and this time he did not shrug. Dumbledore had never told him that he cared about him. He felt his throat tighten and deep down he hoped with all his heart that it was true. As the office door closed behind him, Severus took a few moments to close his eyes and lean his back against the carved wood. If only he could believe Dumbledore. He felt the weight of his promise on his shoulders and in his mind, he found himself having to protect everyone. And he did. But who was protecting him? He thought of Sirius and his kiss that morning, which now seemed so long ago. But he also told himself that if Dumbledore was really protecting him, then he was just as happy about it. And he decided to believe him.
**
As Severus thought back over the past week, he wondered how he had ever put up with it. The Slytherin realised that when he had agreed to take on the role of double agent, he had thought mainly of the risks of the job: the physical dangers, but also the incredible mental strength he would have to use. Not betraying himself, being prepared to make sacrifices, gaining and keeping Voldemort's trust. Severus had completely ignored the time factor. It was in weeks like this that his mistake became apparent.
On Monday morning, the Potions Master heard the heartbreaking news that Dolores Umbridge would be inspecting his colleagues' classes. The information had been posted around the school and Severus froze as he read the note, feeling his insides turn to ice. How could Dumbledore have allowed this to happen? The Slytherin knew that the Ministry was taking over the running of the school, but surely Dumbledore wouldn't let that happen?
As Severus made his way to his first class, he realised that Umbridge had been plotting her takeover since the beginning of the year. Whether it was possible was another matter. The political battles within the school had always made him tired, but this year they had reached new heights. With his stomach in knots and in a foul mood, Severus entered his classroom a little early and sat down at his desk, resting his head in his hands. A gentle knock on the door startled him.
“Come in," he said reluctantly.
It was McGonagall.
“Severus, do you have a moment?”
He nodded, slightly confused. McGonagall walked over to his desk and handed him a small roll of parchment.
“This is the date and time of your inspection," she said. “Albus wanted you to know before you received the note from Umbridge, so you could prepare.”
Severus reached out and took the scroll, unsure of what to say.
“I don't want her to come," he said, his voice a mixture of anger and fear.
“I know," McGonagall replied quietly. “But I don't see how you can escape it, we all have to go through it. I intend to ignore it as much as possible," she added.
“I... I don't know if I'll be able to ignore it like you. I find it particularly humiliating.”
“Of course, it's humiliating, that's the point. But it's an opportunity to show her what we're capable of.”
“I'm afraid I won't be able to do much with her on my back," Severus sighed, admitting his fear.
“Severus, if anyone can put that old gargoyle in his place, it's you. I know the conditions are very strange, but you never give up, so don't start today.”
Severus looked at her gratefully. He wished he could believe it too. He unfolded the small piece of parchment and read in Dumbledore's fine, slanted handwriting that the inspection would take place on Wednesday afternoon during the double Potions lesson with the fifth years of Slytherin and Gryffindor. Severus sighed. He didn't want Potter and his friends to witness his embarrassment and he felt a new determination come over him. He was not going to allow Umbridge to embarrass him in front of his students, he was not going to add the temporary humiliation of his classroom to the permanent humiliation of the scars she had inflicted on him that he could not remember. The bell rang and McGonagall smiled at him before leaving for her own classroom.
As the day drew to a close, Severus made his way to the staff room to correct some papers before dinner. He was about to push the door open when a searing pain shot through his left forearm. He couldn't stop himself from screaming and immediately placed his right hand on the burning mark. His breathing quickened and his vision blurred for a few seconds before he regained his composure. Severus hurried back to his personal quarters and changed into his Death Eater robes. Perhaps he could use the meal to slip away? At least he wouldn't have to hang around with the Malfoys to suggest that he needed to talk to the Dark Lord who had called him first.