Reunion
As Severus stepped onto the last step outside the door of 12 Grimmauld Place, he felt his heart pounding against his ribs. Strangely, after the hour that had passed, it felt good. He had the feeling that at least life hadn't left him. He turned the doorknob and stepped inside, just as he began to doubt his decision. It was too late to turn back and someone might have heard him. He stepped weakly into the dark corridor and immediately the smell of dust and old wood, to which he had grown accustomed over the summer, assaulted his nostrils, acting as a kind of sedative. This time Severus did not collapse unconscious at the door, but continued on towards the kitchen, where he could see the light filtering in from under the door. 'I hope it's Black and he's alone,' Severus pleaded softly. As he staggered towards the light, the door opened wide and a muscular figure stood before him. A wand was pointed at his face.
"Who is it?" asked Black in a deep, confident voice.
"It's me," Severus murmured, almost collapsing against the wall.
"Snape," said a surprised Black.
"Yes, could you lower your wand and..."
"Come out, I can't see you from here," he ordered.
Severus complied and, leaning against the wall, straightened up and removed his hood. He saw a look of shock and anger on the handsome man's face.
"How dare you come here dressed like that?" he shouted. "You don't even bother to take off your Death Eater disguise! I will not have that in my house!"
Severus felt like he was standing in the rain again. Only this time he was also under the waves and they were slamming him against the cliff.
"I didn't have time to... I... I'm sorry."
He raised his hand and removed his mask. What had he expected? Deep down he knew it was a mistake to come back here. Sirius didn't want him, he'd been imagining all his things for weeks and it was obvious that he hated him and didn't want him under his roof.
"I'm going," Severus said in a weak voice. "I just thought... nothing."
He didn't know if he would have the strength to leave again. He felt the tears coming back. He really was a mess; this day had been one of the worst he had ever experienced. As Severus turned to leave, hurt by Black's attitude, he felt himself fall and a strong arm grab his.
"I'm sorry, Snape," Black said in a softer voice. "It's just that I didn't expect to see you, let alone dressed like this. It's the first time I've seen a Death Eater's disguise up close, so you can't blame me for reacting like this."
"It's not a disguise," Severus protested weakly, squirming under Black's grip even though his hand was warm. "It's not a game, it's a uniform."
"Whatever," Black said. "Are you all right? You don't look too good."
"How perceptive of you," Severus sneered, but he lacked conviction.
He reluctantly freed himself from Black's grasp and staggered towards the kitchen. Black followed, still looking a little suspicious. On the table, a cigarette was being extinguished in a full ashtray, a book lay open beside it and a well-opened bottle of Firewisky sat next to it.
"Um, do you want me to get Kreacher to make you something? You're soaking wet, Snape, maybe some tea?"
"I think I'd rather have a glass of this, if you don't mind sharing," Severus said, nodding towards the bottle.
Black blushed slightly. He waved his wand and a glass appeared, which he filled with liquid and held out to Severus. With a still slightly shaking hand, Severus took the glass and emptied it in one gulp. It was exactly what he needed. He sat down in one of the uncomfortable wooden chairs around the table.
"Are you alone?" he asked Sirius.
"Yes, as you can see. What's happened to you, are you hurt?"
The note of concern did not escape Severus. Unless he was still imagining things.
"I had an encounter with the Dark Lord that made it clear he hasn't been too happy with me lately," Severus replied with a bitter laugh.
Black said nothing, but Severus could feel his eyes on him. He was struggling to keep a clear head, overwhelmed by the situation. Half an hour ago he had been screaming under torture and now he was in a warm, brightly lit kitchen with Sirius Bloody Black and he just wanted to go to bed. It was obvious that he had disturbed Black and that the man was having a pleasant evening reading, drinking and smoking, safely away from Voldemort and Umbridge.
Suddenly, Severus saw Black raise his wand and point it at him. He had no time to react. Just as he expected to be subjected to another unpleasant spell, he felt a warmth spread through all his limbs. His Death Eater robes and cloak lightened on his shoulders and his hair fell from his face.
"That's better, isn't it?" asked Black, smiling at himself.
"What have you been up to, swimming with Voldemort or something?"
"Something like that," Severus murmured gratefully.
Indeed, the dry clothes made him feel better immediately, but the icy chill that had wrapped itself around his bones would not leave him. He poured himself another drink.
"So Snape, are you going to tell me or not?"
"I have nothing special to say," Severus snapped, "I had an unpleasant encounter with the Dark Lord, who made it clear that I had better be more active if I didn't want to suffer his... displeasure again."
"What did he do to you?" asked Black.
"Seriously, Black, are you blind or are you doing this on purpose?"
"Did he... did he torture you?"
Severus heard a form of pity in Black's voice that made him quite angry.
"I don't want to be pitied!" he shouted. "I know the risks I'm taking by agreeing to be Dumbledore's spy. I'm not weak!"
Black looked at him in astonishment.
"I didn't say you were weak," he said.
"No, but you think it, I've seen it in your eyes, I've just heard it in your tone. I shouldn't have come," Severus said, getting to his feet.
"Stay," Sirius said, leaning over to put a hand on his shoulder. "I don't think you're weak, far from it. I've told you before, I think you're extremely brave, Severus. I'm glad you came."
Black looked at him with such intensity and sincerity in his eyes that Severus had to hastily raise his eyelids to fight back the tears. He realised that exhaustion could make him do anything.
"I am not weak," he repeated.
"I know that. You're not weak. I think it's quite an achievement to be alive after such an encounter. Not many would survive. And yet you found a way to come here and gain Voldemort's trust."
Sirius's words had the effect of a soothing potion on Severus. He looked forward to regaining his old self and some control over himself. He drained his second glass and was reaching for the bottle when Black put his own hand over his, stopping his movement.
"Are you going to tell me why you came here instead of going to Hogwarts before you get completely drunk?" said Black in a low voice.
Severus longed to feel the touch of Black's hand against his own. It was larger and he couldn't help but notice that it covered most of his own and his slender fingers.
Reluctantly, he withdrew his hand and sighed.
"I didn't want to go back to Hogwarts. I... I'll have to tell you about that some other time. I wanted some peace and quiet and I thought this would be the ideal place."
"The ideal place? Don't you have your own house if you want to be left alone?"
"I don't like my house," Severus replied breathlessly.
'And you're not there,' he thought. Maybe a minute passed and then Sirius said:
"You have a room here anyway, you can come whenever you like."
"Thanks," Severus replied, looking down at the table.
He reached for the bottle and poured himself another glass. Sirius had just told him that he had his own room.
"Destiny's working against you, isn't it?" asked Black.
"Destiny? Maybe, but I deserve it."
"I don't think you deserve it, Severus. You're on our side, spying on Voldemort for us. You don't deserve to be attacked by everyone."
"I've been attacked by everyone all my life, I don't see much difference. When something like this happens so often, you have to ask yourself some questions."
"It's so wrong to think like that," Sirius replied. "I'm sorry for any part I played in this."
Severus looked at Black and was surprised to see the other staring at him. Black's grey eyes did not blink.
"We've been through this, that's enough," Severus said grumpily.
"As you wish, but I intend to do all I can to make amends, if that is possible," Black added in a tone so pure and honest that Severus flinched slightly.
In fact, he had come with a specific request. A request he hadn't dared to make. The thought had seemed a little mad, even completely delusional. But now, if he could find the courage to ask, it might just come true. His heart raced and he felt his mouth go dry. He cleared his throat and said without thinking:
"There's one thing you can do."
"What? Tell me, I'll do anything I can!" exclaimed Black.
Severus took a deep breath. He hoped he hadn't made a mistake, he wasn't sure he could handle another setback that night.
"Perhaps you could give me some of that human warmth you spoke of last time."
Severus felt himself blush horribly as he said the words, but he looked up and met Black's eyes. There was a look of surprise on the Gryffindor's handsome face. He was definitely going to refuse, Severus had imagined it all...
"Come here," he said, rising to his feet.
Hardly believing it, Severus imitated him and rose from his chair. He was flushed all over, Black could hear his heartbeat making an incredible noise. Severus stepped closer as Black grabbed him around the waist and pulled him close. Unbelieving his luck, Severus snuggled up against Sirius' muscular body and buried his head in his neck, not thinking about what he was doing. Now, more than ever, he needed the feeling of being protected, surrounded by Sirius's arms. He felt the other man's brown curls tickle his face. Sirius' embrace tightened slightly and he felt a hand caressing his back. A warmth spread through his body, like the exact opposite of the Cruciatus Curse. For a few moments, his limbs stopped hurting.
Severus wished the moment would never end. Suddenly a thought struck him: was it normal for friends to do this? Lucius had never hugged him and the thought of it was enough to disgust Severus. He'd never had any friends to find out, except Lily, but they were too young, holding hands and cuddling didn't have the same meaning as it did now. And anyway, one day he and Lily had stopped doing it, by tacit agreement, almost without realising it. After a moment, Severus slowly and reluctantly pulled away. If he stayed in this embrace any longer, he would fall asleep.
"That was just what I needed," he murmured, avoiding Sirius's gaze.
"With pleasure," the other man said.
Severus looked up to see Sirius smiling at him and felt his stomach churn.
"Severus... wouldn't you like to go to bed? No offence, but you look like a ghost."
"Good idea, do you have any of those potions I used this summer?" the Slytherin said, stifling a yawn.
"Yes, I haven't touched them, everything in the room is just as you left it."
Severus nodded contentedly.
"I think I'll Apparate," he said. "I'm really tired, and all those stairs..."
Without waiting, Sirius took Severus's hand and he felt himself spinning. Confused, Severus realised they were in the room he had spent the summer in.
"You didn't have to..."
"I know," Sirius cut him off, "but I wanted to. Sit down."
Without even thinking of protesting, Severus sat down on the bed and immediately wanted to lie down on it. Black picked up the potions that had been gathering dust on his bedside table and handed them to him after popping the top with his wand. Severus drank them, each time feeling the effects spread through his body: pain relief, strengthening of nerve cells after magical damage, increased energy and the spread of warmth. He breathed in and felt better, though exhausted.
"You can have a bath if you like," added Black, who had been careful not to let Severus forget any potions. "I'll get you some more things in the meantime and put them on the bed like last time."
"Thank you," Severus said again, simply.
He remembered that 'last time' well. They had argued. On his way to the bathroom, he heard Black leave his room. He couldn't help smiling when he was sure he was alone. It hadn't gone too badly after all. He filled the black marble bath with hot water and slipped in. He couldn't suppress a sigh of pleasure. He wasn't sure if Sirius was particularly happy to see him here, but he had been very cooperative, to say the least. The thought of Sirius brought a smile to his lips and once again he wondered if it was normal to smile when you think of your friends, to feel as if there were little fairies swirling around in your stomach and to want to kiss them. It certainly wasn't. Severus had never wanted to kiss anyone but Lily. Yes, but that was the point, he loved Lily. He dove under the water to immerse himself completely and stop thinking.
When he emerged from the bath about an hour later, he dried off and found a pile of neatly folded clothes on the bed, on his bed. He found a pair of black silk pyjamas and a black dressing gown, but made of a thick, warm fabric with full sleeves. Severus slipped into the pyjamas, which were infinitely more comfortable than his own and fit him perfectly. He hesitated for a moment, then slipped into the dressing gown, which made him feel like he was disappearing. It was too big, but he felt as if he were wrapped in a duvet, and he liked the feeling. There was a knock at the door.
"Black?" he asked.
"It's me," a voice answered from behind the door.
"Come in."
Sirius opened the door immediately and stepped inside.
"Ah, you found the stuff. How do you like it?"
"As you can see, this dressing gown is big enough for me to fit in three times."
Sirius mumbled something indistinct.
"But it's perfect," Severus added. "Thanks for the pyjamas, they fit perfectly."
"Ah, good," Sirius said, blushing slightly.
There was a moment of silence, then Severus spoke again.
"I'm exhausted. I think I'd like to go to bed and... I don't know if you have any plans this weekend, but..."
"I have no plans at all and you know that. The Order is meeting in a week."
"Oh yes, that's right," Severus said, remembering very well. "If you don't mind, perhaps I could stay?"
"Of course," Sirius exclaimed, smiling again. "There's plenty of room for both of us."
"And there's something I'd like to talk to you about, but it can wait until tomorrow. Perhaps you could help me."
"Of course, Severus, I'd be happy to help."
The Slytherin almost allowed himself to smile at Black. He loved hearing his first name in Sirius Black's voice.
"Well... good night then," he murmured, looking down at his pillow.
"Yes, good night, Severus," Black said in his deep, gentle voice.
As he turned to leave, Severus said.
"Thank you... Sirius."
The man turned and gave him a broad smile before closing the door behind him.