The Library
When Severus awoke the next morning, he thought back to what had happened the previous day, and wasn't immediately sure how to feel about it. Firstly, he felt ashamed: weakened by his encounter with the Dark Lord, he now realised that he had done the exact opposite of what he wanted Sirius to believe. After decades of animosity between them, here he was, turning up at Black's house, asking for a hug and confiding some very personal things about himself. He showed Black a side of himself that only Lily had ever known. Severus couldn't understand how it was possible to not only forge a friendship with his former bully, but to offer him all the vulnerability he had suppressed and hidden for years. A vulnerability Severus had barely dared admit to himself, and now he was unpacking it in front of the Gryffindor. He was terribly embarrassed by his behaviour the night before, demanding that Black touch him, pressing himself against the other man like a cat craving affection from its master.
Severus groaned in bed, burying his head in the pillow. Where had his self-control gone? He'd even cried out in anger, pain and despair the night before. Fortunately, Black hadn't seen any of it, but Severus didn't cry often, and it disgusted him. He could cry for others, but not in self-pity like yesterday. He had been so insistent that he was not weak that it was ridiculous: as if he was trying to convince himself that he was. Severus should have been looking forward to spending the weekend with Sirius, but this morning he wasn't sure. He felt that his behaviour the previous day was not in keeping with his personality and with a sigh he decided to stay, but to put some distance between himself and Black.
Severus saw that someone - probably Kreacher - had washed the clothes he wore under his Death Eater robes and that they were clean and folded on the armchair. His socks and black boots were at the foot of the chair. He noticed that his Death Eater robe had also been washed and was lying neatly beside it. This was definitely Kreacher's work. Severus got dressed, putting on his black trousers and then his white shirt, but he didn't have his usual black jacket or wizard robes, and he missed them. He felt almost naked, no one had seen him in this 'casual' outfit for years, and alone at home he allowed himself this relaxation in his clothes. He made sure to button up his cuffs to hide his mark. Despite his decision to be cooler towards Sirius, Severus could not help but feel a certain apprehension as he descended the stairs, simply at the prospect of soon finding himself in his company. He found Black in the kitchen, drinking coffee as he had expected.
"Good morning Severus, did you sleep well?" Sirius said with a smile as he saw him approach.
"Black," Severus replied, nodding and avoiding his gaze.
"You seem to be feeling better," Sirius said cheerfully. "More coffee?"
Without waiting for an answer, he conjured a cup out of thin air, filled it with black coffee and placed it on the table in front of Severus, who sat down.
"Seriously," Sirius resumed. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine," Severus replied with a shrug.
"Are you still in pain? Have you had enough potions?"
"Black, I'm fine," Severus repeated more harshly than he would have liked.
Sirius frowned.
"You didn't seem fine yesterday and I doubt that one night will allow you to fully recover from such an ordeal."
"I said I'm fine, Black, stop it, all right? I don't need to be taken care of. I'm really sorry about yesterday, I... I got a bit carried away. I wasn't in my right mind."
"Well, all right then," Sirius replied vexed.
Severus could feel his temper rising. He was still in pain, his whole body aching as if his muscles had been used to the breaking point. Every move he made was painful and he couldn't help but be pleased with the attention Black was giving him. Severus drank his coffee in silence.
"What did you want to talk to me about last night?" asked Sirius suddenly. "Or have you changed your mind about that too?"
“No, it hasn't changed. I know the Blacks have a large library full of books on black magic. An ancient collection, even unpublished," Severus explained. "I wonder if it might be possible to find something on amnesia caused by the use of black magic."
"Bloody library," Black grumbled. "I haven't been there since I left my family."
"I can go alone," Severus replied.
"No, I want to help you search, it drives me mad to have nothing to do. But this library represents everything I hate about my family. Their attraction to dark magic, their obsession with Purebloods, their viciousness towards anything that isn't like them. The books in there reflect all of that."
"Well, maybe this is my chance," Severus quipped.
Sirius gave him a piercing look.
"Perhaps," he said evenly. "Follow me."
Severus complied with Sirius's request. They ventured into an unfamiliar section of the house. He realized that he didn't know the house well, and it might be worthwhile to request a tour from Black one day. As soon as this thought came to mind, Severus dismissed it. Black might believe that he was attempting to spend more time with him, which would undoubtedly disrupt Severus's plans for that morning. As he followed Black upstairs, the Slytherin's gaze roamed over Sirius's back. He had touched it the day before, why hadn't he enjoyed it more? Severus saw the man's brown curls fall over his shoulders and couldn't resist glancing downwards. Sirius's buttocks, which were squeezed into black jeans, moved back and forth in synch with the owner's legs as he went up the stairs. Severus felt a slight, uncontrolled jolt in his crotch. He inwardly cursed as he realized what was happening to him, embarrassed by the revelation of what Black was doing to him. The feeling that pervaded him was vastly different from the bruises his body had received the previous day. For a moment, he overlooked the nagging reminders that coursed through his limbs with every move and firmly crossed his legs.
All of a sudden, he collided with the object of his longing. Black had come to a halt, and Severus, shaken out of his thoughts, stumbled and desperately grasped whatever was within reach. He caught Sirius's waist just in time but his grasp slipped a little lower than intended.
"By Merlin!" Severus exclaimed as he blushed furiously. "You could have given me a warning!"
Black let out a deep, hearty laugh, and Severus hastily withdrew his hands.
"This is the floor we are headed to," Sirius said in a jovial tone.
Severus was aware that every visible part of his body was red with embarrassment.
He felt compelled to say, “Sorry, I nearly fell”.
His justification sounded unpleasantly pitiful. He averted his eyes.
“Okay, let's proceed," he murmured.
He felt immensely relieved when Black didn't respond and only looked at him with an amused expression. After walking a few yards, he halted in front of a dark wooden door adorned with a binding that had small snakes and carved plants on it. Severus pushed his humiliation to the back of his mind, along with the feeling he had just experienced. The door was splendid. He turned to Sirius and was shocked to see that Sirius's expression was extremely severe. To make matters worse, Severus noticed that he displayed something akin to disgust on his face.
“Do you like it?" he enquired in an icy tone, glancing at Severus.
“It is good work," he responded.
“Good work? This door is like my family - dark, pretentious and full of deceitful people, those filthy snakes," he exclaimed.
Severus was more troubled than he revealed. It seemed that something within him was shattering. How could he and Black have diametrically opposite views about what Severus deemed a masterpiece? Suddenly, he became aware of their differences. Their differences were irreconcilable. This would not be possible if Sirius got angry every time he saw 'filthy snakes'. Severus felt a tingling of unpleasant memories in his mind.
"I believe you used to call me that," Severus said, trying to control his voice from sounding too angry. ‘A filthy snake,’
Sirius frowned but maintained his imposing gaze.
‘I've apologised. You're not related to my family,’ he repeated.
"Maybe," said Severus. "But I was sorted into Slytherin, and I'm still the Head of their house. ‘The snake is my symbol."
Sirius gritted his teeth and said, "This isn't Hogwarts. These snakes are of dark magic, the kind that Voldemort might appreciate."
Severus gasped at the mention of the Dark Lord.
"Are you comparing my tastes to those of the Dark Lord?" he hissed.
Black wearily replied, "No, Severus," and his face softened. “I have only recently realised how much I detest my family. I am glad they’re gone.”
Severus attempted to maintain a neutral expression. He was discovering a facet of Black that left him questioning. His antipathy towards his family was so genuine. As he remembered it from the time they were studying together.
“I knew your brother," Severus blurted out, "and I'm uncertain if he deserved to die. However, that is not the reason we are here. May we enter now?"
Sirius's face hardened, but he did not resume talking. Severus noted that Sirius was holding back as he pursed his lips. Next, he pushed open the weighty door, putting his hand on the handle a certain way. It clicked, and a few plants trickled down from the sides of the antlers. With a click, the door opened. Severus, impressed by the opening mechanism (clearly only a member of the Black family could enter), couldn't help but gasp as he stepped inside. The walls were lined with books from floor to ceiling, stacked on shelves made of the same intricately carved wood as the door. The Black Library was undoubtedly one of the most extensive private libraries in the wizarding world. Severus wondered why he hadn't considered going there before, during summertime, for instance. Rather than wasting his time hiding in his room.
“It's not a big deal," says Sirius, pointing at the books. “I'm not sure where to start.”
Severus asked, his eyes glowing with excitement, "How are the books arranged?"
"I have no idea." Addressing Severus, he added, "The last time I was there was a long time ago, and Regulus and I were not allowed in without permission."
Severus couldn't help but ask, "Why?"
"Because my father was afraid of people damaging his precious books. Some of them date back centuries. My mother also brought her own distinguished heritage. You know how Purebloods are," Sirius let out a humourless chuckle.
“No, but I can imagine," Severus responded.
Books that are centuries old? He had become so eager to see them that he had forgotten his task.
“Your mother was a witch and your father was a Muggle, is that correct?”
Severus gasped.
“How do you know that?”
“I think I knew it before, or you told me this summer," Black replied.
“Then why are you asking me?" Severus said irritably.
He, too, disliked talking about his family.
“Which family did your mother belong to?" asked Sirius, overlooking the Slytherin's comment.
“My mother was a Prince.”
"Wow," exclaimed Sirius. “A Prince who marries a Muggle? I don't think her family approved of that!”
"No, they didn't, but I don't care," replied Severus, who was really not interested in discussing it.
“Is she dead?”
“Yes both my parents are dead. Why do you even care, Black? I do not like discussing them either!”
Sirius asked in an unusual voice, as if he hadn't heard Severus:
“Are you pleased about their passing?”
Severus looked at him with knitted brows, breaking his gaze from the first light of day.
“What's your problem, Black? What sort of questioning is this? I was unaware that you had such an interest in the genealogy of Half-bloods!"
"I'm not," responded Sirius, shrugging. "I was just curious to learn more about you."
"I'm not an interesting subject either," Severus replied. "Let's begin the research."
Black didn't say anything else. While they were dividing the shelves, Severus wondered why Black was so interested in knowing more about him. Nobody had ever taken an interest in him, except Lily in the beginning, and later Lucius and Voldemort but this was more about evaluating him to see whether he was worthy of becoming a Death Eater, rather than a genuine interest in him. What about Black?
However, Severus soon lost interest and focused on the books. It was truly incredible: older books mixed with new ones, lined the tall, dark wooden shelves. Severus realised that the books were arranged by subject, not alphabetically or by collection. Severus himself arranged all his books by theme, then alphabetically, and then by collection within the general theme. He realised that the library had a completely different aesthetic from his own, and that he wasn't unhappy about it. The Potions Master barely dared touch some of the books. Yet, he picked one from the shelves, not only to find a solution to his problem but also for the pleasure of it. Black wouldn't prohibit him from reading 'Ancestral herbs and powders: their uses beyond time', 'The improbable potions of the noble families', or 'A history of magic through its potions from magical antiquity to the present day'. This last book was from 1853, and Severus took it from its shelf with great care. It was enormous, dusty and he admired it. At the library entrance, stood a desk, believed to have belonged to Orion Black, Sirius's father. Severus laid each book upon it. His stack was taller than Sirius's, who had only carried two books to the library yet.
They surely wouldn't have sufficient time in a day to search through all the shelves, and Severus could feel his head whirling. His entire body was sore from the events of the previous day, and even though he tried to disregard the pain and focus on his work and enjoyment, he couldn't help flinching at times. He went back to the section he was studying and carried on with his research. While reading some of the titles, Severus pondered that as a teenager, he would have greatly liked to visit this place and acquire as much knowledge as he could about dark magic. There was no doubt that the library was richer in this genre than the prohibited section of Hogwarts. Today, his interest in dark magic had changed drastically. Naturally, he was still intrigued by the subject, but he sought to comprehend and combat it, as opposed to exploiting it like he used to. However, Severus pondered that within his books, there may be a method to gain immense power that he could never even envisage.
As he stretched for two recent tomes on magic-related medicine and injuries caused by dark magic, his eyes were fascinated by a smaller volume than the rest, with no title on its spine. He grasped it from the shelf and read the old, worn-out cover: "Secrets of the Darkest Arts". As he read a few lines, Severus was captivated by the horrific content. Recalling his teenage years, Severus picked up the book and took it with him to the table, concealing it under two sizable medical volumes to keep Sirius from spotting it.
Judging by the time, Severus sensed it was already late afternoon. Additionally, he felt a sudden pang of hunger.
His dizziness worsened, and Severus let out an irritated exclamation:
"Black?"
The man appeared in the aisle and approached Severus after a few moments. Severus winced, attempting to prevent his thoughts from dwelling too much on the man. An inexplicable aura emanated from the man, which Severus found attractive, briefly considering using the word 'beautiful' to describe it.
"So, how was the hunt?" He asked.
Severus replied neutrally, "I found some books. Did you?"
Sirius replied, "As I expected, there are mostly books on how to do harm rather than how to fix it." "I've set aside a few, you never know."
Severus refrained himself from rolling his eyes.
Severus suggested, "Perhaps we could go somewhere more comfortable and begin reading them."
"Yes, perhaps we could. We could also ask Kreacher to bring us some food as I'm quite famished," added Sirius.
Severus nodded, and as they picked up a few books and headed out, his vision became blurry, and he let out a painful groan.
"What’s the matter?" Sirius inquired immediately.
“Nothing," Severus muttered, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
“The Cruciatus Curse?" Sirius questioned.
“If you already know the answer, why do you ask?" Severus grumbled.
Black sighed and said nothing. The Slytherin thought he was becoming more and more like Lupin with his habit of always trying to stall. Or was that being reasonable? It's never too late to grow up, Severus thought.
Severus had to make every effort not to fall as he made his way down the stairs carrying four books. He felt pain radiating through his arms and legs and a throbbing headache burning through his skull. His heart was pulsing between his ribs. Once again, his vision became unclear. He followed Black into the kitchen, staggering. Something was amiss. He slammed the books onto the table and the feeling of sinking overtook him.
“Snape? Are you sure you're okay?
He heard Black's voice, which sounded distant, and fell as his hazy sight was shrouded by a dark veil.