Human warmth
Sirius returned barely two hours later with the potions Snape had requested. Apparently Dumbledore had rushed to get them, probably with the help of Madam Pomfrey. He had asked Sirius to keep him informed of any changes in Snape's situation and had concluded with the idea that he might need to start looking for someone to take over Potions lessons. When Sirius knocked and entered the room, he saw that Snape was still in the armchair opposite him, but that he seemed to be waking up.
“It's you," he muttered when he saw Sirius.
“I've got the potions for you," said Sirius, showing him the various bottles.
This time it was he who was trying to avoid Snape's gaze. He walked over to the bedside table and placed the bottles on it.
“Won't you bring me the clairvoyance potion? I'm going to use it now," said Snape's voice behind his back.
“Er, yes, of course," said Sirius, who had no desire to linger in the room at the moment.
He picked up a small bottle containing a light blue liquid that seemed to swirl around inside the glass. He approached Snape with the bottle in his hand and handed it to him. Snape's hand brushed against his own for only a fraction of a second, but it was enough to give Sirius goose bumps. He wanted to feel Snape's hand on his for seconds, minutes or even hours. He wanted the Potions Master to take his hand and squeeze it. Sirius took a few steps back and was about to leave, but Snape said:
“What are you doing? I told you I wanted to take the potion now.”
Sirius looked at him without understanding.
“Er, yes, fine. And... so what?”
“So what, you really think I'm going to be able to do this on my own? Since you're here, you'll just have to help me," said Snape grumpily.
“What the...?”
“Black, as the name suggests, this is a clairvoyance potion, which means I have to pour a few drops into my eyes. Knowing that I can barely see the bottle, I'm going to need someone else to do it for me, and you seem to be just the person to do it," said Snape through his teeth.
“Oh!" exclaimed Sirius, "of course. How many drops should I put in?”
“Just one in each eye to start with and make sure you don't get any next to it," hissed Snape.
The Slytherin tilted his head back and looked up at the ceiling. His black hair seemed longer than usual, and his nose even more prominent in this position. Sirius had a mad desire to kiss him in this position but instead he brought his slightly trembling hands to Snape's left eye and parted his eyelid. Snape then looked up as if trying to see behind him and Sirius poured a single drop into his eye. Snape immediately lurched forward and closed his eyes with a slight cry.
“What?" exclaimed Sirius. “I've done something...”
“Nothing," said Snape furiously, "it just hurt. Fuck, I forgot... I never took any.”
He breathed rapidly. After a moment he straightened his head and opened his eye. It was all red and watery. Sirius grimaced.
“Are you ready?”
“Of course I'm ready," replied Snape, "I've seen it all before.”
He tilted his head back again and Sirius held his right eye open. He poured a drop and stepped back quickly. Once again, Snape immediately put his hand over his eye, which had closed, but this time he didn't cry out. He stood there for a few moments, then straightened up. Sirius stared at him, not knowing what to do.
“Will it... will it hurt for long," he asked.
“I don't know, Black, probably a good hour at least.”
“And... does it work quickly? I mean, how many times do you have to take this potion?”
“As many times as necessary, twice a day. Today, though, just one, as it's already late afternoon.”
“Okay.”
Sirius wanted to say something nice but his mind remained blank. The skin around Snape's eyes was soft and warm. He wished he could stroke the rest of his face again like he had the night the Slytherin had cried.
“Is there anything else I can do?” he asked almost shyly.
“No," Snape said coldly.
Sirius had expected it but he couldn't help feeling disappointed. He stared at Snape, a contrite look on his face. Snape stared back at him with red, swollen eyes.
“Or maybe you could. I... you don't have to accept, of course," he mumbled.
“Tell me," exclaimed Sirius. “If I can, I'd be delighted to help.”
“It's not really help, it's... no, never mind.”
“Snape, tell me!”
Sirius knew he sounded like an impatient child. Snape was silent for a few moments, then he said.
“I... I haven't been able to read at all for a few days now and I really miss it. I was wondering if you could maybe... read me something," he mumbled at last, blushing.
“Yes, of course, well, I may not be the best reader in the world, but yes. What are you reading?”
Sirius was caught off guard by this request, but it seemed so personal that he was touched and pleased. Snape was letting him into his intimacy by proposing this, they were going to spend more time together, so that meant Snape wanted Sirius to stay with him, didn't it?
“Well, you certainly don't know it...," said Snape, still blushing.
“What is it? Some incredibly complicated book on potions? A textbook on an obscure period in the history of magic?”
He had mentioned ideas without thinking, but it was what came spontaneously to mind when he thought of books Snape might like. He said it in jest, but Snape replied coldly.
“Not exactly, no. It's a novel I liked when... when I was a child.”
“A novel?" asked Sirius interestedly.
What kind of novel was Snape reading?
“A Muggle novel," said Snape.
“Oh, it gets more interesting all the time," said Sirius. “I love Muggle music but I've never read anything from their world. What's it called?”
“The Lord of the Rings.”
“Sounds pretty good.”
“It's good," said Snape. “It's incredibly well written, it's epic and there are strange similarities with... with our world and what we're going through.”
Snape looked enthralled and Sirius couldn't help noticing that the red patches on his cheeks had now spread to the visible part of his neck. So Severus Snape, headmaster of Slytherin House and tattooed with the Dark Mark, liked Muggle novels? Sirius realised that this information made him like Snape more than he had ever been before. With a big smile, Sirius asked:
“Where's the book?”
“Over there," said Snape, pointing to the bed.
The book was indeed lying on the floor, almost completely hidden under the bed.
Sirius picked it up and ask:
“How did you get this?”
“Kreacher brought it to me, I asked him to find me this book in London and told him it was legends about magical fires that I needed for a course.”
“And he believed you," laughed Sirius.
“I don't know, but he certainly brought the book back.”
“The Fellowship of the Ring," read Sirius, looking at the cover. “What's it about?”
“You'll see, good books can't be summed up in words. It's inspired by the legends of the Muggle Middle Ages.”
“Ah, just like the logo on the T-shirt I gave you," exclaimed a delighted Sirius.
“What's that? You mean that horror with 'Queen' written on it? I thought it was something like that, a music group. I thought you were playing a bad joke on me," said Snape.
“Why did you think that?”
“Because it's a short-sleeved shirt, Black, and you may have missed it, but I never wear clothes that show my arms," replied Snape.
“Oh, I see," stammered Sirius.
He had effectively forgotten that Snape would never wear anything that could show the Dark Mark embedded in his skin.
“So, er, shall I start reading?”
“You can sit on the armchair," said Snape, getting up, "I'm going to lie down on the bed, I... I can't see very well and I think it'll be better.”
“Where did this chair come from anyway?”, asked Sirius.
“From another room in the house. It was also Kreacher who told me where to direct my attraction spell.”
Sirius went over to help him, but Snape moved aside and went over to the bed, where he let himself fall against the pillows in a semi-seated position. Sirius settled himself on the still-warm armchair and forced himself not to smile. He picked up the book and began reading, clearing his throat.
Sirius found it hard to concentrate at first. It looked like a real history of magic book and that subject had always bored him a bit because of the details and dates, and the first chapter of this novel seemed to be completely made up of them. Snape, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy the reading and listened attentively, sometimes even correcting Sirius on the pronunciation of names. As he slowly made his way through the book, he stopped at one point to ask Snape if anything was going to happen someday, but no one replied.
“Snape?" asked Sirius in a small voice.
There was no answer. Sirius got up and put the book open to the right page on the armchair. Snape was fast asleep. His breathing was slow and regular, making his chest heave. Sirius stood there staring at him, his face looking relaxed at last.
Late that night, as Sirius was going up the stairs to bed, he heard sniffling again from behind Snape's bedroom door. With a shudder of horror, he remembered that this snivelling was why the Marauders had given him the nickname Snivellus, because when he was younger at Hogwarts, he always ended up shedding tears. Later he had invented his own dark magic spells and hurt them in turn. No more whining. Ashamed but panicked, Sirius approached the door.
“Snape?" he asked. “Can I come in?”
“Fuck off!" came a muffled voice from inside.
But Sirius had no intention of leaving.
“Snape, I'm coming in," he said.
“No! I'm telling you to leave, for Merlin's sake!”
“I want to know what's going on," exclaimed Sirius.
With that, he entered the room. Snape was on the bed with his back to the door and Sirius couldn't see his face.
“Does the potion hurt you?”
“Black, I told you to piss off," said Snape in a weak voice.
“Yes, but you see, it turns out I didn't listen to you.”
“You enjoy... tormenting me, don't you? You've always been one of those people who take advantage of the slightest power they have to crush others, whether it's the power of money, physical strength, seduction, in short, privilege. But no, you can't fool me...”
“I just want to know what's going on and if I can help you, then I'll leave you alone," replied Sirius, trying not to feel offended.
“It's nothing! I don't want to see you," exclaimed Snape. “I can't see anything anyway," his voice choked.
Sirius immediately approached him.
“You mean, even from a distance...”
“Yes. I'm completely blind. I know it's one of the side effects of the potion but... I wasn't expecting it.”
“If it's one of the side effects it shouldn't last, it's almost normal," said Sirius in a tone that was meant to be reassuring even though he himself found the idea of not being able to see anything totally catastrophic.
“I know Black, I'm not stupid," replied Snape, "but I let myself get caught out, that's all.”
“And that's all right," said Sirius.
He had to suppress the urge to stroke Snape's back.
“Speak for yourself!" exclaimed Snape in a voice that seemed to oscillate between fury and panic.
“No, that's not what I meant, of course I understand that it's very impressive," resumed Sirius. “But it's something that also happens to others when they take this potion, and it doesn't last.”
“I know what a side effect is, Black," Snape hissed through his teeth.
There was a silence during which Sirius took the opportunity to go and sit at the end of the bed.
“What are you doing?" asked Snape in a voice a little higher pitched than usual as he sat up on the bed.
“Nothing, stop seeing evil everywhere," said Sirius calmly. “I'm just here if you want... if you want to talk.”
He shrugged in the darkness: he'd wanted to say “if you want a hug” but had thought better of it. Of course, he couldn't say such a thing. Even blinded, Snape would certainly have put a spell on him.
“I don't want to talk, I just want to be left alone," Snape muttered. “Why did you even come?”
“I heard you sniv... I mean I heard noises.”
“And you thought “oh, I'll go and see Snivellus for old times' sake”!”
“But I wasn't! I wanted to make sure that everything was fine.”
“Everything's fine, as you can see, now you can leave," said Snape coldly.
Sirius hesitated. He couldn't stand seeing Snape like this, in pain, always on his guard, thinking that Sirius wanted to hurt him and was making fun of him. Sirius absolutely had to do something to change that, and if it didn't work, at least he would have tried. He moved slightly on the bed.
“What are you doing? Why are you still here? Why don’t you leave me at last?, “ Snape protested.
Sirius didn't answer but moved closer to the figure of Snape who had sat up and stared blankly at Sirius without seeing him. He was very close now.
“Black, I'll... where's my wand...”
Sirius gently grabbed his wrist.
“Let go of me!" exclaimed Snape. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Stop stressing Snape," Sirius said in a voice that he wanted to be soothing but which was trembling a little.
Sirius could feel Snape's pulse on his wrist and his heart was beating at least as fast as Sirius'. He tried once more to free himself.
“What's the matter with you, Black?” he exclaimed.
Sirius then pulled him against him and at last he felt Snape's body against his own. The Slytherin tried to push him away, but Sirius tightened his grip around him.
“I think you need a bit of human warmth, Snape," he said simply.
Snape didn't reply, he tried again to free himself and then seemed to give up. Sirius held him close but taking care not to hurt him. He was on his knees and Snape's head was resting against his chest. He didn't dare kiss the top of his head, just hugged him in his muscular arms, which could hold the whole man. Then, gently, he felt Snape relax against him, lean his head lightly against Sirius's chest as if he wanted to bury his face there, and Sirius felt something wet. Snape was crying silently, and this brought tears to Sirius's eyes too: he felt so sad and happy at the same time. Sirius then moved his left hand from Snape's back to his hair and gently stroked the black hair, which at last regained its silky consistency under his fingers. Snape then removed his arms from Sirius's embrace and put them around the Gryffindor's torso to hug him back.
“I don't know why you're doing this, Black, but I'm going to pretend it's real," Snape murmured against him.
“It is real," replied Sirius, his voice thick with emotion.