Goodbyes
Sirius was still holding Snape. He didn't know how long it had been and he himself was having trouble realising that it was real. Then, slowly, Snape released himself from his embrace.
“I don't understand," he muttered.
“There's nothing to understand," said Sirius.
“But... why? I thought that... that you hated me.”
“Precisely, I wanted to prove to you that I didn't," said Sirius calmly. “You keep thinking I'm making fun of you, now you know I'm not.”
“So, I don't have a lot of experience of human relationships, Black, but I'd say that a... a hug doesn't mean that all is forgiven.”
“I don't think so either," Sirius replied hastily, "but I thought... we could try to become friends.”
Snape said nothing. Then he shrugged.
“Yes, I suppose we could try. Although I don't want everyone commenting on it. Have you thought about Potter? What's he going to say when his beloved godfather makes friends with his hated professor," Snape said with a bitter laugh.
“Harry doesn't hate you! He thinks you’re the one hating him.”
“I don't like him very much indeed. And nobody in the Order likes me.”
“That’s not true! Dumbledore, Minerva and Remus at least like you.”
“Lupin! Oh no, Lupin's only mildly polite to me, but that's about it.”
“Well, whatever. No one has to know," said Sirius, frowning. “They'll realise when they see we're not fighting anymore.”
“Oh, you're ashamed of being on good terms with me already?”
“Severus!" exclaimed Sirius.
The name had escaped him. It was the first time in his life he'd used it. Snape's head was turned towards him but he couldn't see it.
“Well, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you know my name," he said mockingly.
“Please, you've got to stop attributing bad intentions to me all the time.”
“I'll try, even if it might be difficult," replied Snape.
Sirius didn't know what to say or do. He knew that it would be difficult and time-consuming for Snape to stop his comments and disparaging remarks. After all, he had been forced to do this for years to protect himself.
“It's late," said Snape. “I think I'll go to sleep.”
“Very well," said Sirius.
Very disappointed, he got up from the bed to leave.
“What are you doing?" asked Snape in an irritated voice.
“Well, I'll, er, I'll let you sleep peacefully," replied Sirius hesitantly.
“And don't you think I'd sleep better if you were next to me?" asked Snape, still irritated.
Was this the Slytherin's romantic way of asking him to stay? Sirius couldn't help but smile broadly, also taking advantage of the fact that Snape couldn't see him.
“Oh, if you want me to," he replied, trying to sound detached.
“If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have suggested it, would I?”
“Severus...”
“Stop calling me that or I might get used to it.”
“Maybe I need to get used to it too. Severus, Severus, Severus...”
“You're so childish, Black! But how am I supposed to believe you've changed if you keep behaving like a 15-year-old?”
“I'm not always like that," Sirius said a little sulkily.
“That makes me feel better. Wouldn't you like to keep reading The Lord of the Rings instead of talking nonsense?," asked Snape, who nevertheless seemed slightly amused.
“Yes, of course.”
Sirius picked up the book and sat down on the bed next to Snape. He forced himself to concentrate and not to think about the man who was just a few centimetres away from him. Of course, Snape was fast asleep again and Sirius envied him for being able to be so detached. He must have been particularly tired, between his convalescence and, despite appearances, the emotional lift to which he seemed to be subjected.
In any case, Sirius couldn't sleep. He didn't want to fall asleep and wake up, as he had the last time, next to a Severus Snape in a bad mood and inclined to throw him out. What if Snape had a grudge against him the next morning? After all, he had continued to hold Snape tightly in his arms when Snape had clearly told him to leave. What would have happened if Sirius had listened to him? Had he been right to insist? With all these thoughts running through his head, Sirius finally fell asleep.
The next morning, Sirius woke up with his heart pounding, someone shaking him gently.
“Black, wake up," came Snape's voice, sounding very distant.
“Er, what?" said Sirius, still asleep.
“The clairvoyance potion. I mustn't take it at any time and it's time.”
“What time is it?" asked Sirius.
Then he added:
“Wait, can you tell the time? So, you can see again?”
“No, I used a timer spell to do that, my wand warned me.”
“What do you mean, your wand warned you? I didn't hear anything," muttered Sirius.
“That's pretty amazing," said Snape mockingly, “it seems that you were deeply sleeping asleep, I'd have liked to see that.”
“You'd have liked to have seen that… What?”
“I mean, in the sense of... well, it's crazy, this sleep," stammered Snape.
Sirius saw him blush heavily and smiled.
“Don't worry, I'll always be here to sleep beside you if you're afraid of the dark.”
“Don't say things like that Black, I'm not a child. Do you really think that's why I said you could stay? Do you think I'm the type to be afraid? Black is my favourite colour, for your information, and I like the dark," said Snape coldly.
“Good for me then," exclaimed Sirius.
Snape sighed.
“You're still making puns on your name...”
“Now every time you call me Black, I'm going to think of your favourite colour.”
“I think it's time I started calling you Sirius then," Snape replied.
“What a killjoy!”
“It's actually one of my specialities.”
Sirius then grabbed the clairvoyance potion and the same scene as the day before began again. This time too, Snape couldn't repress a movement of rejection. He reared forward and pressed his palms firmly against his eyes. Sirius allowed himself to stroke his back and Snape didn't push him away. He then asked Sirius to give him his other potions as he couldn't see anything. Sirius felt useful again in his role as caretaker. The closeness with Snape was unusual, but Sirius didn't think it was strange. On the contrary, he felt the relationship was natural, perhaps because he had hoped it was so for weeks. But he also knew that nothing was won forever with Snape and that the slightest mistake could cost him their new 'friendship'.
The days went by and Sirius spent almost all his time with Snape, who still hadn't recovered his sight. The first of September was approaching and in two days Snape would have to go back to teaching at Hogwarts or stay with Sirius. The two men got on relatively well, but there had been no more cuddles between them. The night before, Sirius had even gone back to his room to sleep, with Snape assuring him that he would just have to come in the next morning when he woke up and put the clairvoyance potion in his eyes. Snape continued to take the other potions and had finished his supply, assuring Sirius that his body was much better and that he was hardly in any pain. Once a day, he disappeared into the bathroom, accompanied by Sirius to the door, and Sirius assumed that he took the opportunity to wash and rub the magic oil over his body. Sirius couldn't help regretting that Snape hadn't asked him to do it, but at the same time he knew that it wasn't going to happen. They had indeed developed what Sirius would call a friendly relationship. Snape had continued to ask him to read to him, which he did for at least two hours a day. Otherwise, he let Snape rest and he himself went to the common areas to enjoy the others. Sirius really wondered how Snape could stand being cooped up in one room (with the corridor to go to the toilet) for a whole month. But that month was coming to an end and Sirius was worried that the Slytherin still didn't seem to be getting better, he didn't think it was a good idea to go back to teaching and as soon as he broached the subject with Snape, the man would end the conversation.
So that day, Sirius went to Snape's room for the second time that day, as it would soon be time to administer the clairvoyance potion. He himself had just woken up from a rather too long nap when he saw that it was past his bedtime. Without taking the time to put on a T-shirt, Sirius had leapt out of bed and rushed into the adjoining room. He abruptly opened the door and burst into the room. Snape was sitting in his armchair and Sirius saw the Slytherin’s face twitch as he entered.
“Black?" he asked.
“Yes, it's me. Sorry... the potion. I fell asleep," Sirius said breathlessly.
“It's all right, I managed on my own," replied Snape.
“How did you manage it?”
“I just managed to do it myself," repeated Snape as if Sirius were stupid.
“Well... all right," Sirius said suspiciously.
He stays in the middle of the room.
“What have you been up to?”
“Nothing in particular, as I imagine you can see, just sitting in my armchair, thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
“None of your business," replied Snape.
Sirius shrugged.
“Well, if you don't need me, I'll go back downstairs then.”
“Who says I don't need you? I'd like a shower, please take me to the bathroom," Snape said.
Sirius thought he detected an almost imperceptible note of excitement in Snape's tone. Or is he imagining things? Shirtless, Sirius approached and grabbed Snape by the arm. Snape stood up and suddenly fell back.
“What's going on?" Sirius asked immediately.
“I'm... I'm a bit dizzy, that's all," said Snape in a weak voice.
Sirius saw him catch his breath as he looked down at the ground.
“Don't you think it would be better to lie down," suggested Sirius, worried, his heart pounding.
“If…”
“Can you walk?”
“I don't think so," muttered Snape.
What was that all about? Sirius looked at Snape in panic.
“I'll carry you, okay?”
The man on the floor nodded weakly and Sirius bent down and grabbed him under the arms, then lifted him fully and carried him 'like a bride', in Snape's own words from a time that now seemed very long ago. Sirius felt the green silk pyjamas touch his bare chest.
“Sorry," he mumbled, "I didn't have time to put on a shirt, I thought I'd give you your potion quickly and go back and put on a shirt.”
Snape didn't reply, he had closed his eyes. Then Sirius laid him gently on the bed.
“What can I do for you? Tell me what you need," Sirius asked, almost panting.
“I need...”
Snape opened his eyes and it seemed to Sirius that he was looking at him. But no, the Potions Master was blind. Sirius suddenly felt uncomfortable under that unseeing gaze. He ran a hand through his dark, curly hair, which fell to his shoulders.
“Snape?”
The Slytherin didn't answer but suddenly blushed.
“I... I feel better," he said almost in a whisper. “I think I'll rest a bit.”
“Really? already? didn't you want to go to the bathroom?" asked Sirius surprised by this change of heart.
“It's better if I stay here," Snape said, still blushing.
“Well... fine. I'll just, um, get dressed, go downstairs for a bit and come back later," said Sirius.
Snape gave an imperceptible shake of his head, then closed his eyes again and Sirius left the room with a feeling of unease. Snape really had been behaving strangely and Sirius had the impression that he had lied to him. Perhaps he was really unwell and had simply been too proud to tell Sirius that he needed help. Despite the marked improvement in their relationship, it still wouldn't be surprising.
The evening passed without much change. Sirius wanted to make the most of Harry's presence in the house before he left for Hogwarts and had already had the idea of accompanying him in his dog form. However, he had been careful not to suggest this to Mrs Weasley and intended to present everyone with a fait accompli. This year, the Order protection would accompany them to the station, but Sirius knew that this was also because of Snape, for whoever was responsible for the Potions Master's condition, he was a powerful enemy to be wary of. Dumbledore had informed Sirius that he would be coming over the next day to have a chat with Snape about the start of term. Sirius had told him that he said he was feeling better but still couldn't see, and Dumbledore seemed as worried as he was about the matter. The situation was becoming urgent.
When Sirius knocked on Snape's bedroom door the next morning, he felt a twinge in his stomach but couldn't quite pinpoint the cause. He found Snape sitting upright in the armchair facing him. Sirius noticed at once that he had showered, washed his hair and was wearing a defiant expression on his face.
“Morning Snape, how are you?" asked Sirius, feeling a little silly asking such a banal question.
“Black, you'll be pleased to hear that I've regained my sight," replied Snape evenly.
“Have you? That's wonderful news!," exclaimed Sirius.
He was almost tempted to give him a hug, or at least a pat on the shoulder, which seemed more appropriate.
“Thank you for showing such pleasure in hearing this news," said Snape in a slightly mocking tone. “I think... well, I think I'm completely cured," he added more hesitantly.
“Well, that's really good news," repeated Sirius.
He felt strange. Part of him was genuinely relieved that Snape, his "friend", had regained his sight, but something devious inside him was whispering disconnected and unpleasant ideas in his head. He couldn't help feeling a tinge of disappointment. The next day the house would be empty. Harry would be gone and Snape would be leaving for Hogwarts too. Sirius couldn't understand where the disappointment came from, it was so sudden and became so powerful that it seemed impossible to breathe normally.
“Black?" asked Snape's voice, which sounded far away. “You don't seem to be enjoying yourself as much as you pretend.”
“What? Oh yes, really, Severus, I am, after all it was my duty to look after you and... well, in the end it went well. I did it, we did it.”
“What kind of tirade is that, Muggle theatre," sneered Snape. “Pull yourself together!”
“I'm just a little surprised," said Sirius, blushing and forcing himself to regain his composure. “I was hoping you'd regain your sight, but I didn't expect it to be so sudden.”
Strangely enough, Snape started to blush in return and this time Sirius was sure he wasn't imagining anything.
“This potion is surprising indeed, and quite effective," said Snape.
“Last night, when you had that... that moment of weakness," began Sirius, "I thought your situation was going to get worse and I was worried, that's all. I'm surprised that you're suddenly better, but I assure you I'm really pleased, sincerely.”
“Don't get too sentimental Black, it doesn't suit you," Snape scoffed, still blushing.
Sirius shrugged, not knowing what to say. It was obvious that Snape was returning to a personality he was used to. He was about to leave and Sirius wouldn't see him again until the next Order meeting. Why did this thought keep nagging at the back of his mind?
“Do you have any more... appropriate clothes I could borrow," Snape asked. “I'd like to avoid having to greet Dumbledore in my pyjamas and Apparate dressed like that.”
“Er, yes, of course, I'll go and get that," said Sirius, still a little lost in thought.
He hurried out and opened his wardrobe. He rummaged around feverishly and picked up a pair of black Muggle trousers that had once belonged to him. He searched some more and came across a white shirt, a bit old-fashioned, that he had worn during his years at Hogwarts, which now seemed so long ago. He tapped the two garments with his wand and they widened a little, as he had done with the pyjamas. Snape really was very thin and smaller than Sirius, so he didn't need to make any big changes and his limited magical ability in this area would suffice. He took the clothes back to Snape and told him that Dumbledore would be arriving in the early afternoon.
The meeting didn't last long. Sirius felt that he was too much, as it was mainly a dialogue between Dumbledore and Snape about his condition, the recovery of his physical and magical abilities, and his desire to return to Hogwarts to teach. Snape was particularly insistent on this point: he had fully recovered and was ready to Apparate. The next day he would be at his post as Potions Master. Dumbledore seemed hesitant, but in the face of Snape's strength of conviction, he finally relented and agreed to his return.
“You'll have to find a credible explanation for the scars on your face, Severus," said the Headmaster. “They haven't gone away and they don't look like they ever will. Perhaps Poppy can have another look at them and try some treatments, now that you're near her.”
“Yes, maybe," replied Snape indifferently. “I don't really care, they don't hurt me anymore.”
“Still, I think it would be wiser to avoid questions," replied Dumbledore. “Please go and see Poppy as soon as you get back.”
“Very well, Headmaster," said Snape in displeasure.
“Great, then, everything seems settled," said Dumbledore cheerfully. “Severus, we will see you tomorrow, Sirius thank you again for your dedication.”
“My dedication? Ah, you're welcome," muttered Sirius, lost in thought and surprised to be addressed so suddenly.
Snape sniggered.
“What's the matter?" asked Sirius, turning to him.
“I'm sure you've been delighted with your... dedication all month,” Snape quipped.
Sirius opened his mouth to say something but Dumbledore cut him off by standing up.
“Come on, gentlemen, don't spoil the good understanding that seems to have united you for some time now," he exclaimed. “Severus, will you Apparate with me?”
“Now?" asked Snape.
“Yes, I have to get back to Hogwarts.”
“Er, I'll pack my things first and I'll Apparate a bit later," stammered Snape in a tone that didn't sound like he was blushing slightly.
“Very well," said the Headmaster, peering at him through his half-moon spectacles. “See you tomorrow, Severus, Sirius," he added, turning to him.
“Goodbye," said Sirius.
When the Headmaster left the house, Sirius and Snape were alone. Sirius couldn't help staring at Snape every chance he got. It was almost absurd to see him dressed in day clothes without his big black wizard robe. He was wearing Sirius's white shirt and trousers, both of which fitted him perfectly and emphasised his slim figure. Snape had tucked the white shirt into the trousers and Sirius couldn't contain the thought of what might happen if he decided to suddenly rip it off.
“Well, Black," Snape's voice broke the silence. “It won't take me long to get my things together. Then I'll Apparate to the front door.”
“Very well," said Sirius in a neutral, automatic tone.
“We can... say goodbye then," added Snape.
“Yes, all right, I'll wait for you downstairs then," said Sirius, looking Snape in the eye.
He had the impression that Snape was trying to tell him something, but he couldn't work out what.
About ten minutes later, Snape was coming down the stairs, holding in his hand an old black leather bag full of his personal belongings that Sirius had given him. He had also put on black boots that were slightly too big for him at first, but which he had reduced in size with a flick of his wand. In fact, they were Sirius's boots from his rock fan days and he found Snape really very... sexy. That was the word that came to mind. The wide boots at the end of his long, slender legs, the white shirt that brought out the black of his hair, which was now below his shoulders, framing his slimmer face, with only his nose protruding from the sides of his curtain of hair. Snape grimaced as he reached the bottom of the steps and looked up at Sirius, who was standing in the middle of the entrance hall.
“How can you walk with those things on your feet," he moaned. “These boots are heavy and... I'm taller.”
“That's because they've got thick soles," replied Sirius, a little hypnotised by the sight of Snape in that outfit.
“Well, it's a good thing no one else will see me wearing these. I feel like I'm wearing a Sirius Black disguise. I hope the weight of these shoes won't prevent me from Apparate," he added plaintively.
Sirius rolled his eyes.
“You'll just have to give them back to me next time, I like them.”
“Right," replied Snape.
He took a few more steps towards Sirius.
“Right, well... here we are. I... I must confess I never expected us to find any form of reconciliation," he said, staring at the shoes Sirius had given him.
“Neither did I, but I'm glad it happened," Sirius replied hastily.
“I suppose I have you to thank for your dedication, as Dumbledore said," sighed Snape.
“Er, if you like.”
“Yes, I want to thank you, Black," Snape replied, "but I'm not going to say it again, so listen carefully: thank you for looking after me.”
Sirius felt a warm sensation come over him and was vaguely aware that his pulse had quickened. He took a step towards Snape, who was now very close to him. And he actually was a little taller. “Kiss me”, Sirius thought with all his might, “kiss me”. Snape raised his head suddenly and looked Sirius straight in the eye. There seemed to be surprise in the Potions Professor's dark eyes and Sirius felt as if he had read his mind. Snape opened his mouth as if to say something, or do something, and just as Sirius was about to bend down with the urge to put his lips against Snape's, the kitchen door flew open and Harry's voice called out:
“Ah, Sirius, there you are! I was going to fetch you.”
Snape immediately turned around, his black hair flying around his face and brushing Sirius as he went. The Professor stepped aside and without a word to Harry, he turned to Sirius and said:
“Well, I was just leaving, so I'll leave you two with your… family," he said coldly, his lips curling into a disgusted sneer.
He nodded to Sirius and moved towards the door.
“I'm coming, Harry, two seconds," said Sirius, following in Snape's footsteps.
Harry looked taken aback but closed the kitchen door behind him. Alone again, Sirius grabbed Snape's arm, but he didn't pull away.
“Wait," Sirius whispered. “He's gone. What were you going to do before we were interrupted?”
Snape raised an eyebrow.
“I was just going to say goodbye.”
Sirius could still feel the warmth of Snape's arm under his hand.
“And how were you going to say goodbye?”
Snape blinked and then held out his right hand.
“Like this.”
Sirius felt a wave of despair wash over him.
“I thought... you wanted to say goodbye to me in a way other than shaking my hand.”
“Well, you thought wrong," Snape replied coldly.
He gently pulled away from Sirius's hand and let his own fall again, which the Gryffindor had not shaken.
“Why don't you... never mind," Sirius finally shrugged.
“Yes, exactly," Snape continued, "too bad. See you around Black.”
With that, he turned on his heels and Sirius watched him disappear as he closed the front door on himself, leaving a great emptiness in Sirius's house and in his heart.