Chapter 19
“Here,” Pansy said, and slid Blaise a cup of coffee, “Rough night?”
Blaise nodded. He took the coffee gratefully and headed over to the couch. He felt horrible that morning. He’d barely slept, out of concern for Harry and all of the other emotions that he had about the situation. Rarely was Blaise in a position where he didn’t know what to do about something this important. He truly didn’t know what the next step for him was, or for their relationship.
“You need to talk,” Theo said from the armchair. Blaise hadn’t even noticed him coming into the living room. Pansy sat next to Blaise.
“Yes, talk to us,” she agreed kindly. Blaise sighed. He didn’t want to violate Harry’s privacy, but he needed to talk to someone. He couldn’t keep this to himself any longer.
He sighed. “I honestly don’t even know where to start.”
“This is about Harry right? There’s a problem?” Theo checked.
“You could say that,” Blaise muttered.
“So start with when you noticed the problem,” Theo told him. Blaise nodded.
“Well, you know his reputation? The drugs, the partying… all of it?” he asked.
“Yeah, but didn’t you say that it was all made up, or at least not as bad as the media likes to paint it out to be?” Theo asked.
“Well, it was. Harry cultivated that image several years ago for several different reasons. Honestly I think after a while, he didn’t know what else to do. Anyway, Harry didn’t seem like he even liked that lifestyle at all. He was realizing how unhealthy it was, we were talking about alternatives, and he started really pulling back,” Blaise said “I really don’t think he only pulled back because of me either. I know it looks like that, but I think I only helped to show him that he had more to live for than that.”
“From the outside, I do think it looks like he only stopped because you didn’t like it, which isn’t very sustainable for either of you,” Pansy noted carefully, “But you’re saying he truly didn’t enjoy it, and he saw how toxic it was?”
“Yes, he was working on his own to find other alternatives. Before me, he was completely alone and had given up. And believe me, with what he told me, he had every reason to feel that way, he’s been through so much,” Blaise said sorrowfully.
“So what went wrong? It sounds like everything was getting better,” Theo prompted.
“He’s got this manager… or I should say this team. He’s just surrounded by people who only encourage him to drown his problems with substances. They’re manipulating him, and hurting him. There’s this one guy, Tyler, he has some weird possessiveness over Harry, and he allows people to touch Harry when he’s too strung out to protest,” Blaise said. He felt his face growing red with renewed rage. “And his manager, she’s honestly worse.”
“How so?” Pansy asked.
“Harry has to wear magical suppression bracelets anytime he’s not sober because he has so much magic that it could get really out of control. But they aren’t meant for long term use, so it’s hurting him to wear them. He has these bruises, and a headache always. So Darla’s fucking solution is to keep him drugged all of the time so he doesn’t feel it and doesn’t protest, Harry doesn’t even know what or how much she’s giving him,” Blaise spat, “He started refusing to go out or take anything before I left, and he seemed so much happier and healthier. But while I was gone, she got him back on the stuff again. He didn’t even know over two weeks had passed since I left. He can’t remember anything, he's so gone. And she just gives him more.”
“That’s horrible, how gone are we talking? Like is he making any decisions for himself at this point?” Pansy asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if he’s like this all day long or not. When I saw though, both times he… he wasn’t himself. Anytime he would try to think or argue, Darla would interrupt him, and he was too out of it to go back to what he was originally thinking,” Blaise said, “She’s got him a tight leash, he does whatever she says because he doesn’t have the ability to think past it right now.”
“Is he an addict?” Theo asked quietly, “Are you sure this isn’t his doing?”
“That’s what I’m so confused about. He’s not… he never had issues being or getting sober before. It made it difficult to sleep, but he never took anything to help. I don’t think he’s addicted to anything by some miracle, or at least he wasn’t,” Blaise said, “I just… I don’t know what to do. Harry’s an adult, he can make his own decisions, and if he wants to keep doing this, or even just allow other people to keep doing this to him, then… I don’t know if I can stand by him through that.”
“But…?” Pansy said.
“But if he really doesn’t want this, if they’ve really just manipulated him and gotten in his head again so that he feels like he has no other options, I want to help him. I can’t just leave him with them. Eventually, they’re going to end up killing him, or destroy any possibility of him living a normal life,” Blaise said, heartbroken again, “I just don’t know what’s true. Is this him? Or is he trapped? I don’t want to get it wrong.”
“So you need to talk to him, sober,” Pansy summarized, “But he’s never sober, and they’re always there.”
“Exactly.”
“That’s tough Blaise, that’s really hard for both of you,” Theo sympathized, “If you don’t help, Harry could get really hurt, and if you do, you could end up wasting a lot of time and getting hurt too.”
“Yeah…” Blaise took a deep breath, “Last night, he was so… just… you know, and it broke my heart. He was still so kind and sweet to me, but he wasn’t even there. It’s so hard to be around him when he’s like that. Especially because I saw him willingly taking more when I got there.”
“I’m sure part of it is, he’s falling back on his old habits. If he’s already gone, and someone tells him to do something, he really has no reason not to,” Pansy reasoned, “Still though, it’s got to be hard to watch.”
“Yeah, anyway, he’s supposed to text me when he wakes up, I left a note,” Blaise said, “I hope he can be sober for a little bit. But he hasn’t been texting me at all lately, so I don’t even know if he will.”
They were interrupted by an owl soaring through the window, a small letter attached to its leg. Blaise’s stomach dropped in dread, somehow just knowing that it was from Harry. He opened it with shaking hands.
Blaise,
I am so sorry about last night. I didn’t intend to blow you off. I woke up this morning and saw your note. I’m sorry, I don’t remember much of last night, so I’d like to apologize for anything that I said or did.
I’ve been doing some thinking lately, about my life and about us. I want to state first that I am so beyond grateful for meeting you and that you have been nothing but wonderful to me. I don’t deserve you. You are an incredible human being and you deserve to be with someone just as great.
I’m only going to hurt you. I don’t live the way that you do, and I can’t. I have too much baggage. This is the only way that I can cope. I know that you’d say differently, but since I’ve had some time to myself, I’ve realized the truth. I’m never going to be able to be what you need or want or deserve. I don’t want to drag you along with me to inevitably hurt you, You are the one person I really don’t want to hurt. I’m only going to let you down if we stay together.
So I think it’s for the best that we end this. I wish you well, and I hope that you can understand why I have to do this. Don’t worry about me, my team is taking great care of me, and it’s just for the best if they’re the only ones in my life. Thank you for everything.
-H
Blaise reread the letter four times. He shook his head and then reread it again. Pansy gently took it out of his hands and he sat on the couch and stared into space as his friends read the letter.
“Oh Blaise, I’m sorry,” Pansy said quietly.
“That’s not him,” Blaise said, “It’s his handwriting, but those words… Darla probably told them to him.”
“Okay, but… does that change anything?” Theo asked. Blaise stood to go to the fireplace.
“I need to talk to him.”
“Blaise,” Pansy warned.
“No listen, if he wants to break up with me he can. But I need to hear it from him, sober,” Blaise said. Before his friends could warn him otherwise, he threw a handful of powder into the fireplace and said the name of Harry’s apartment. He was spit back out into his own living room.
“What?” he looked at the fireplace in disbelief, “He blocked me?” Hurt stabbed through his heart. He stood and scribbled a reply to Harry, demanding that they meet in person to talk about this. Pansy and Theo stayed silent.
Blaise spent the morning anxiously waiting for a reply back, but he did not receive one.
“Blaise, let’s get out of the house,” Pansy suggested after lunch, “If there’s a letter it will be here when we get back.”
Blaise wanted to protest, but Theo backed up his fiancee and the trio made their way out of the flat and into Diagon Alley. They shopped around for a bit, Pansy was looking for some birthday presents for their nieces, so they went to the Weasley joke shop. Then, they went over to a store that specialized in cologne.
Blaise felt his heart seize when the store had a large display of Harry himself in the doorway. It must have been a new one, because Blaise had never seen it before. It was a classic Harry Potter ad. Skimpy clothing, dark eyes, messy hair.
“Oh I’m sorry,” Pansy said when she noticed, and steered them away to another store. Blaise’s mind lingered on the photo, and the man who was in it. The mood was quiet as they entered Madame Malkins to get some more potions robes. Theo and Blaise burned through a few every month, so they were frequent customers.
As soon as they opened the door, they were greeted with the sounds of rambunctious laughter coming from the back corner of the room where they normally did fittings. It looked like there was a large group getting tailored. They had champagne and were not being very quiet about it.
“Let’s get our stuff quickly and get out of here,” Pansy said. The men nodded agreeing. Blaise quickly rifled through the racks to find his size when he heard a shriek from the group.
“Harry! That’s wonderful on you!”
Blaise froze, and slowly looked up across the store, praying that it wasn’t who he thought it was. Fate was against him that day because sure enough, the person standing on the slightly raised circle had dark hair and emerald eyes, a glass of champagne in one hand, and an entourage of people that Blaise suddenly recognized. Darla, Tyler, Kristine, Molly, and his stylist were all there among the large group.
He was modeling a black shirt that left nothing to the imagination. His group oohed and ahhed but Harry just looked… as strung out as ever. He took a large swig of champagne, which emptied his glass, and he reached for another one.
“Alright alright, get down, next one darling,” Darla commanded Harry. Blaise watched as Harry stumbled off of the pedestal and Tyler caught him before he could hit the ground. The group laughed again at Harry’s balancing issues. Blaise wanted to throw up. He also wanted to swing at Tyler for the way his hands were all over Harry for way too long as he helped him up.
“We should go,” Pansy whispered. Blaise didn’t even realize that Theo and Pansy had joined him in watching the scene. Blaise turned to look at her, and saw that her face was stricken as well.
They headed to the checkout with their clothes. Blaise was keeping his back firmly turned so he couldn’t see Harry. His heart was pounding and all he wanted to do was get out of there. Before they left, he chanced one more glance. He shouldn’t have.
He locked eyes with Harry from across the store, and his breath caught. He saw Harry say his name, and then he saw the entire group around Harry turn to stare at him.
“Ah look who’s here, your ex boyfriend,” Tyler jeered, emphasizing the ‘ex’.
Blaise ignored Tyler and only looked at Harry.
“Could we talk?” he asked quietly, hating that he had to beg in front of all of these people. Harry immediately nodded, and made to step down off of the pedestal. Tyler blocked him.
“You’re very busy today Harry,” Darla reprimanded, coming to stand in the way of Harry being able to see Blaise, “And you broke up with him, remember? We talked about this.”
Blaise could barely see the shake of Harry’s head, “But I nee-”
“No Harry,” Darla said. She then looked over at Tyler very pointedly who nodded and dug around in his back pocket. “You’re not feeling very well are you Harry? Maybe you should take something for your headache.”
“I don’t have a headache,” Harry said very slowly, “I want to talk to Bl-”
“Well he doesn’t want to talk to you,” Darla interrupted. Blaise was sick of Darla not letting Harry speak.
“Yes I do,” he said stepping forward, “Let him make his own choices.”
“Oh he does,” Darla said, and turned to look at Blaise, “And his choice was that he didn’t want you.”
“He knows he has better options now,” Tyler taunted, swinging an arm over Harry’s shoulders who flinched slightly. Blaise’s vision turned red. He felt Pansy take his arm as he made to step forward.
“Blaise, let’s just go,” she said, “Nothing’s going to be settled by fighting here.”
“Yeah mate, come on,” Theo encouraged. Blaise deflated.
“Just, Harry,” Blaise tried one more time, “Call me, or write me back, please.”
Harry nodded and said firmly despite whatever he was on, “I will.”
Blaise saw Darla shake her head and his heart sank as Pansy dragged him out of the store. It didn’t matter what Harry said or did. Right now, he was their puppet. His feelings didn’t matter.
Once they were a safe distance away from the store, Theo sighed.
“Mate, that’s… that’s a bad situation in there,” he said.
“Yeah, it was hard to understand what you were saying about how much control they had, but… that was so obvious. He’s not even a real person to them,” Pansy said.
“Do you see now why I want… why I need to help him? I’m not crazy right? He needs help, he doesn’t want any of that,” Blaise said anxiously. He wanted nothing more than to run back in there and take Harry away.
“I completely understand, but I still don’t know what you can do,” Theo said as they made their way back to the flat.
“Yeah, let me do some thinking. For now, you’re stuck unless he reaches out, which I doubt they’ll let him do. I know it’s hard, but try to just live your life okay? We’ll think of something,” Pansy reassured him. Blaise didn’t like it, but he agreed that there was nothing he could do at the moment.
Harry sat on his couch when they got home and put his head in his hands. He tried to focus. He needed to focus. There was something important that he needed to think about. He ignored all of his team bustling around him, putting away his shopping bags.
Something was wrong. There was someone he needed to talk to. Merlin, he wished the world would stop spinning so he could think.
Blaise.
That was it. Blaise. He’d broken up with Blaise. Why did he do that? He loved Blaise. He wished Blaise was here right now. Maybe Blaise would come through the fireplace soon.
No. He wouldn’t. Darla had blocked the fireplace. She didn’t like Blaise. That made Harry annoyed. Who wouldn’t like Blaise? He was everything.
He needed to call Blaise. He didn’t have his phone. Where was his phone? He looked around and saw that Darla had it. She wouldn’t give it to him, he knew that. Okay. So then he needed to owl Blaise. Tell him he was sorry. That he was going to figure all of this out.
“What’s got you thinking so much?”
No go away. He needed to think. He didn’t want to talk to Tyler anymore.
“Harry? Are you okay?” Tyler asked, sitting down right next to him.
Harry sighed and sat up.
“I’m fine,” He murmured, leaning back and closing his eyes. His stomach and his chest hurt. His eyes and cheeks felt wet.
“Aw don’t cry sweetheart,” Tyler crooned over him, “He’s just a stupid boy.”
Harry wanted to scream at him not to call him sweetheart. Not to call Blaise stupid. He couldn’t summon the energy to move. He was so tired. Tyler pulled him into his arms and it made Harry’s heart hurt more. He didn’t want to be in Tyler’s arms. He just wanted Blaise. That’s the only thing that would make him feel better.
He didn’t know how to get Blaise.
“You know this is for the best darling,” Darla called from the kitchen, “He was going to get tired of you.”
That was probably true, Harry thought. Everyone did eventually. Except the people he paid. Maybe Harry should have been sad about that. He was only sad that Blaise wasn’t here. It felt muted though. He could only feel that his heart hurt.
“We should get ready soon,” Tyler said after a time. Harry must have dozed off.
“I don’t want to, I’m tired,” Harry complained, making no effort to move.
“Come on Harry, it’ll be fun, it always is,” Tyler told him, sitting him up, “We’ll get you a line and you’ll feel better.”
“No, make them come here again so that I can go to bed early,” he complained. All he wanted to do was sleep. And he could do that faster if he didn’t have to actually go to the club. He felt horrible. He needed it all to stop. If he wasn’t going to have Blaise, there was no point to fighting this all. He might as well start enjoying himself, “And tell Rob to bring something strong.”
He closed his eyes with a heavy sigh and missed the way that Darla and Tyler grinned at each other.
“Whatever you want, Harry, we always take care of you..”