The only thing seen clearly in the sky was the moon. The companion of the darkest, loneliest nights was always the moon. Moon is always unbothered. And Marlene was stupid enough to fall in love with the human personification of that. At Least that's what Dorcas thought. Marlene was too good for her, too energetic and radiant, lighting up the Hogwarts halls with her presence. She was too much. Her laugh was so well known, when the stupid Gryffindors pulled a prank it was there, or when Marlene would make fun of the Slytherins for losing a Quidditch match it was also present. And Dorcas was there for all of that. At first it didn't bother her at all. Then it started to bother her more than it probably should. And when Dorcas started paying a bit too much attention to the Gryffindor blonde, that's when she knew this wasn't gonna end well.
There were a lot of things wrong with this. The fact that Marlene was an "idiot" (a nickname that the entire Gryffindor house wears annoyingly proudly, at least that's what Dorcas herself thought). The fact that Marlene was the polar opposite of Dorcas herself. The fact that Marlene was a girl. All of these thoughts would come into Dorcas's brain without invitation. Everyday she would wake up feeling relatively normal until she remembered that this girl exists. The repeated thoughts kept spiralling, and spiralling, until Dorcas would actually confess to herself that yes, she has a crush on Marlene McKinnon.
Dorcas desperately wanted these thoughts to go away. She really tried to make them go away. But they never left her alone. It was so irritating. So painful. Dorcas knew it was stupid. Though it's more likely that she wanted it to be stupid, inconvenient, short-lived. Like the presence of the McKinnon girl in her life. But of course life decided to play a cruel joke on her, and the head of this comedic improvisation was Marlene.
In Dorcas's mind, Marlene was surrounded by a dozen and more question marks. Why is she taking up all of Dorcas's thoughts? When did this start? Why can't it stop? Why is she pretty? Dorcas would stay up thinking about all of these questions, in that particular order, and when it got to the last one Dorcas preferred not to think about it. It wouldn't stop her though. And it's especially hard when McKinnon and her stupid friend group keep being incredibly loud in halls, class… the list goes on. Dorcas hated every second of it. What felt like every minute she heard that enthusiastic voice. Dorcas couldn't comprehend that Marlene could be so happy while Dorcas was mentally drained just thinking about her.
"What's your deal Meadowes?"
Dorcas's eyes widened a bit as she heard this from the blonde after some boring Quidditch practice. Marlene seemed to pick up on that, but didn't comment on it. Dorcas is glad for something that she did for once.
"Nothing. Why do you ask?"
Dorcas remembered how difficult it was to try and make her voice sound cold, as though the voice would have the ability to physically push her away. She wanted Marlene to just leave her alone. And she did.
"... nothing"
Marlene replies sounding disappointed as she walks away. Dorcas is a bad liar. And Marlene understands that. She also seems to understand that there's no point in tormenting the Slytherin more than she already is. Not that she knows. And it's not like she needs to know, Dorcas thinks.
Dorcas feels lonely. She wants to laugh at herself from how pathetic this thought even is, and how it even dares to cross her mind. But she can't. Obviously she has "friends". And Dorcas always puts quotation marks around the word when she pictures it, since she doesn't think these people fit under the label of a friend. Sure there's Regulus, Evan, Barty.. and probably half a dozen acquaintances. But it doesn't feel right. Dorcas hangs out with most of them because she's a Slytherin with good grades. If she wouldn't have these attributes then she doubts she would even have someone to talk to during lunch. When they do talk to her though, Dorcas can't help but glance the other way once in a while. At the Gryffindor table. At this annoying face. And suddenly everything accompanying Dorcas throughout lunch is her voice. The voice of that girl. And maybe, just a small, tiny part of her, doesn't mind.
Dorcas doesn't know when she started glancing at McKinnon so often. In the halls, classes, even the Quidditch pitch when she's supposed to look out for the game to avoid getting injured. Dorcas looked at the girl so often that eventually her mind… it pulled some switch Dorcas didn't even know she had. It's no longer "McKinnon" or "loud annoying Gryffindor". Marlene. It's Marlene now. Dorcas notices sometimes, the way her eyes soften when she looks at the blonde. It felt weird..but nice.
Even though to Marlene it's still "Meadowes", to Dorcas now, forever and always, it will be Marlene. And suddenly all her quirks, pranks, previously "annoying" habits don't seem so irritating. And suddenly the world turned upside down, turning everything negative Dorcas saw in Marlene into everything so nice and undeniably pleasant to watch. Everything she does has this charming Marlene effect to it. And not in a bad way in the slightest, Dorcas doesn't mind it at least. Dorcas wants to observe her, see her thought process, see her actions that show her exact feelings. She just wants to see the world how Marlene looks at it. Dorcas wants Marlene to be her guide to this world that seems so carefree and fun. She wants it more than anything now.
Year Seven rolls around. It's nothing special. Well maybe an exception is the fact that Dorcas starts dating Marlene. It just happened so suddenly yet so slowly. Dorcas lost track of everything. It's like it was supposed to happen naturally, something Dorcas couldn't believe for a while. And now all the glares turned to soft looks. All the mean comments are now the most genuine words of love the two could probably ever say. The shy glances that were always quick and filled with shame and embarrassment. They are different now. So open, wanting to show all the love they can possibly hold.. to each other. They trust each other enough for that. Share the deepest moments. Feelings. Words. Touches. Dorcas wanted it all. And she looked at Marlene, knowing she wanted the same.
There were problems. A Lot of them. And Dorcas understood all of that. She knew how serious some of them were. But Marlene was always there for her. She would be there till the end. Marlene would tell Dorcas how it'll workout, it always does. That their relationship might not be perfect, but they will come the closest they can to that. Marlene would think about their future out loud. So peaceful. So quiet. Only them to accompany each other. And Dorcas, the strict, professional Dorcas. She believed it. Like a hopeless child that just needed one last thing to believe in. She wanted to believe it. And Marlene's voice made it hard to not believe her words. She said every word with such love and softness. It all seemed so genuine. So incredibly unfamiliar. But she was ready to experience all of this with Marlene. She knew Marlene would always be by her side for that. She was willing to hold out this hope, pure naive hope that something will turn around. That it will workout. She's giving this one last try.
Dorcas questions everything. She knew this was stupid from the start. But Marlene didn't believe her. Stupid Marlene. Why did she have to do this? Why did she have to give her all the happiness in the world just to take it all away at once? Just why? Dorcas blames her. She blames everyone. She blames herself the most though. She blames herself for ever even thinking this will have a happy ending. What a stupid, dumb fantasy. Of Course it just had to turn out like this. All of that for nothing. This was Marlene's final prank wasn't it? Just dying. It would've been hard to believe that if Dorcas wasn't holding Marlene's lifeless body. It's like the universe purposefully waited for Dorcas to arrive so it would take Marlene's soul right in front of her. Dorcas wanted the one and only wish in her life to become true. For Marlene to be alive. She can't handle not seeing her smile ever again, not hearing her laugh, not hugging her when either of them are upset. Anything to do with Marlene was dead. It was painful to think about. Dorcas wants to put all these feelings and memories in a box and lock it, bury it forever, so it would never see the light of day again. Instead though, all these thoughts turned into visible tears that decided to give Dorcas at least a little favour by blurring her vision. So she wouldn't see Marlene's dead body. Dorcas desperately wants to forget everything. Just start with a blank page. But Dorcas, with the last sane part of her brain, doubts she has the strength to do that. She just can't. Marlene is like her own handwriting. Messy. She leaves ink stains. No new page in Dorcas' life will ever be good enough. Every page will contain the memory of her. Blonde hair. Dumb grin. The messy clothes. She won't get rid of this. She wants to. Dorcas needs to. But for once Marlene can't solve her problem.
Nothing will be okay. Not without her.