Deals and Destruction
“Anything else for you guys today?”
Remus turned to look at Sirius and then back to the cashier, “No, I think that’s everything.”
“Ok perfect, so I have one BLT, one chicken pesto panini, and 2 fountain drinks. Your total is $21.89” The worker looked up from the screen and flashed a big smile at Remus.
Sirius tapped his card on the payment terminal as Remus told him, “I'll Venmo you, yeah?”
Sirius mindlessly waved an arm at him while he finished paying, “Don’t worry about it, my treat.”
Remus shook his head, rolled his eyes and repeated, “Right, I'll Venmo you.”
“Alright, here is your number and your fountain drink cups, you guys can go sit at any table and I'll bring you your food when it’s ready.” The man offered them two cups and a stand with the number 57 on it.
“Thanks,” Remus nodded at him, took the items and turned to find an open table.
He found one and set the number down before heading to fill the fountain drinks, he asked Sirius on his way over, “Dr. Pepper?”
“You know it. Thanks, Moons.”
He returned a minute later, with two full cups in hand. Dr. Pepper for Sirius as requested, and Mountain Dew for himself.
He shuffled into his seat and pulled out a straw, ripping the paper wrapping before sticking it into his cup.
Sirius, ever immature, couldn’t help but take the opportunity to carefully rip half of his wrapping off, before holding the straw up to his lips and blowing into it, launching the paper projectile right into Remus’ eye.
“Hey. Ow.” He exclaimed, rubbing his eye, “Really Sirius, do you have to do that everytime?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do.” He returned, pulling a face, “What do you really expect me to have a straw and not create a missile, I'm not a saint you know.”
“Oh, don’t I know it.”
“Hey!” It was Sirius’ turn to be outraged.
Remus chuckled lightly and then looked back at Sirius. The ache was only a light one today, which was nice. He’d gotten into a bad habit of ranking how much it hurt to love Sirius on a daily basis. Yeah, he’s not proud of it.
But what can you do? After all this time he’s mostly resigned to the assumption that he’ll never get over Sirius. He’s not against trying to find love elsewhere, nor does he think it’s impossible for him to fall in love with someone else. He just doesn’t think whatever he feels for Sirius will ever go away. At least not fully.
“Alright, here is your panini,” the worker had returned to the table carrying two plates of food, setting the first down in front of Sirius.
He turned to Remus afterwards and then set down the second plate with the BLT, “And here is your sandwich.”
“Thank you so much,” Remus told him, while looking up at the man.
“Sure, no problem,” The man returned, still smiling. He then pulled out a small piece of paper with writing on it and put it on the table next to Remus’ plate. “And here is my number.”
Remus was gobsmacked.
He let out an incredulous, “What?”
The guy laughed, and he now noticed he had a name tag pinned to his shirt that read Gideon. He was very attractive. He was tall with red shaggy hair and light freckles that dotted his face.
“That’s my number,” He repeated, “I'm not sure if you’re available or not, but text me if you’re interested. I think you’re really cute and would love to get to know you better.” He winked at Remus and then walked back behind the counter and resumed working.
Remus just stared down at the paper for a minute, still in partial shock from what happened. It wasn’t that he didn’t know that he was objectively handsome, he had his fair share of admirers, mostly it was just the surprise at how confidently he just asked him out. Was it really that easy? No. it couldn’t be, Remus refused to accept how simple that was.
The situations were completely different. One of the scenarios involved two strangers who had never met before and likely wouldn’t meet again. If Remus had rejected him on the spot then no harm no foul. The other scenario involved two best friends, one which he was fairly certain was straight, and roughly a decades worth of friendship gone down the drain if it turned out badly.
Yeah, they were not comparable.
Still though, he had to hand it to Gideon for having the balls to do it anyways. Remus doesn’t think he would’ve done the same if the situations were reversed.
“Are you going to take it?” Sirius asked, words almost unintelligible through the mouthful of food he was busy gobbling down.
“Uh-, I don’t know,” Remus replied hesitantly before finally picking up his sandwich to eat.
“I think you should, he seems nice.”
Remus just gawked at him. The words were a punch to the gut. He was here hopelessly in love with Sirius while Sirius was actively trying to get him to go out with another guy like it didn’t even matter. Yeah, that hurt. Still after all this time he had come to expect nothing less from the man.
“You really think I should?” He implored, selfishly wanting Sirius to change his mind and say no.
But Sirius didn’t.
“Sure, why not, what’s the worst that could happen. Just take the number.”
Remus pondered for a minute. Well you know what they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Yeah, no that was a lie. He knows. Whoever made that up clearly hadn’t met Sirius fucking Black, the lucky bastard. But, even still, it would be nice to go out with someone, have fun, go on some casual dates. He made up his mind.
“Ok, I will,” He said resolutely, finally picking up the piece of paper. He pulled out his phone, created a new contact for Gideon and then set a mental reminder to text him later that day.
Conversation was sparse after that, Remus was too caught up in his head feeling hurt about Sirius as well as excitement at the prospect of something new with Gideon.
When they both finished their food, they hastily wiped down their table with a napkin and returned the plates to a stack before heading to the exit.
As he pushed open the door to the outside, he glanced back, looking for a last glimpse of Gideon and saw him looking in a different direction, a wide grin on his face as he worked away.
Yeah, this could be good.
It was later that night, almost 5pm when he finally got around to texting Gideon. He was busy catching up on a lecture he had had to miss because of work.
He pulled out his phone and sent “Hi Gideon, this is the guy from the cafe earlier today” before he could think twice about it.
He contemplated for a moment and then followed it up with “My name’s Remus by the way, I just realized that I don't think I ever gave it to you.”
He threw his phone down on his bed and ran his hands through his hair. He was too sober to deal with any of this. It was time to numb his brain with weed before he could spiral down any rabbit holes. Yanking his stash out from his bookshelf, he quickly rolled a joint before grabbing his favorite lighter and heading out to the shared balcony.
He stayed out there for a while, welcoming the hazy fog that took over his brain and calmed his thoughts, relishing in the shock waves running through his body. When he had smoked the joint in its entirety and trudged back inside he was thoroughly stoned. All thoughts of the texts he had recently sent had vanished from his mind and he felt mellowed out.
Remus walked over to the kitchen and raided the cupboards for any snacks and chips he could find and pooled them on the counter, mindlessly snacking away.
He hadn’t changed positions in the slightest by the time Peter came through the door, clearly from work as he had his mechanic uniform on and his fingers were smudged with grease.
Remus paid hardly any mind as Peter walked over to the sink, scrubbing his hands furiously with soap for a long while.
“I see you smoked the good stuff.” Peter called out to him as he turned to dry his hands on a paper towel and then threw it in the trash can.
Remus gave a non-committal hum and kept snacking away, thoughts far away.
“Wow, you’re gone.” Peter mused, he was now waving a hand in front of Remus’ face.
He snapped back into focus and looked at Peter and took a second to process what he had said, “What, oh yeah, you know me, never was one to believe in sobriety.”
Pete huffed a laugh, and turned the bag of Sour Cream and Onion Lay’s towards him, grabbing a few from the bag.
“How was your day?” He asked while in between chews.
“Pretty chill, went to lunch with Sirius, a guy gave me his number, studied, got high,” Remus rambled, “The usual.”
“You got a guy’s number? Are you gonna go out with him?” Peter questioned as he moved to the living room and sat down on the couch.
“Yeah I think so, his name’s Gideon, I just texted him a bit ago, so we’ll see where it goes but he seems cool.” The mention of it reminded him about his phone, abandoned in his room. He should go check to see if he texted him back yet.
“Does Sirius know?”
“Ha - ha,” Remus snarled humorlessly, “Not only does he know about it, he encouraged me to ask him out.”
Peter winced, “Yeesh, tough blow. I’m sorry man, he’ll come around eventually.”
“Yeah, obviously not.” He was annoyed again and no longer wanted to have this conversation.
He got up, left the snacks on the counter and moved to his room.
When he picked up his phone he was delighted to see that he had two unread texts from Gideon.
Smiling as he read them, he laid down on his bed and responded. The reply came quickly and the two fell into comfortable, flirty banter as they stayed chatting well into the late night. When they finally said goodnight, Remus fell asleep with Friday night dinner plans and a warm, content feeling in his stomach.
Friday rolled around much too abruptly and he found himself frantically yelling at his phone at 6 pm while trying to decide what to wear.
“Does this look stupid?” He turned towards the phone and was met with Lily’s unimpressed face.
“No, you look hot. You look hot in this outfit and in the last 17 ones you tried on.” She was clearly exasperated, they’d been at this for a while.
He would’ve asked one of his roommates but well, James and Peter were always pants with anything fashion related and he wasn’t too keen on the idea of asking Sirius to help him get dressed for his date. Regulus was out of the question, he wouldn’t even entertain the idea of spending 45 minutes watching Remus make a fool of himself.
So here he was, on face-time with Lily, unbuttoning and re-buttoning his shirt over and over again, still unsure of himself.
“Leave 2 buttons undone, not too much to be slutty for a first date, but still showing just enough.”
He fixed his shirt so that the two top buttons were undone. Taking another look at himself in the mirror, he did agree that he looked good. However, that knowledge did nothing to calm his mounting nerves. He ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it.
“Remus, calm down.” He gave her a pointed look.
“No I'm serious, you look so good, I’d fuck you. He’s gonna pick you up, you’re gonna eat some great food, laugh a bunch, and have a great time. Nothing to worry about.”
Remus gave a stiff nod and tried to take her words to heart. A notification chimed. Remus dashed to pick up his phone to check it.
“Ok, ok he said he’s on his way he’ll be here in 10 minutes.” He set the phone back down, shook his hands out and turned in a circle.
“Eeekk! It’s showtime, you’re gonna have a fabulous time and if it sucks then call me and Black and we’ll slash his tires.” Lily was grinning.
Remus turned to her and scoldingly pointed his finger at her, “There will be no slashing of tires, only defamation of character is allowed.”
“Got it, we’ll stalk him and slowly turn everyone in his life against him,” she was nodding like it was an order, before breaking character and smiling at Remus, “For real though, I think you’ll have fun. You need to go on more dates, you're too mopey over Sirius all the time.”
He waved his arms in deference, “Yeah, yeah, can it, I don't need a lecture, you’re not saying anything I don't already tell myself a thousand times a day.”
“Fair enough.” She couldn’t argue with that, kicking someone when they’re down or whatever.
“Alright I'm gonna let you go, I'll call you when I'm done?” He asked while picking his phone once again.
“How about tomorrow, Marlene and I are going to a rave so I won't be back until the am,” She had a devilish expression on her face. Marlene was often the instigator for those kinds of things but Lily reveled in it just as much.
“Ok, tomorrow sounds good.”
“Byeee, love youuuu,” She sing-songily replied as her outro.
He hung up the phone, feeling significantly more reassured than he was 10 minutes prior. A sharp knock on the door wrenched him from any residual worrying thoughts and he made his way to the front door. Taking a deep breath, he pulled upon the door and came face to face with a very handsomely dressed Gideon.
Gideon blatantly checked him out, looking up and down his body. He felt weirdly on display, but not necessarily in a bad way.
He blew out a deep breath,“Wow, you look amazing. Ravishing, truly.”
The easy confidence he had mastered took over, masking the true anxiety he was experiencing at the moment, “You don’t look too bad yourself.”
Gideon laughed. A rich, hearty laugh. “Well, alright then,” He held out an arm to Remus, “Shall we?”
Remus smiled at him, dutifully taking his arm. “We shall.”
Once they were settled in Gideon’s car, Remus asked, “So, where are we going tonight?”
“I am taking you to one of my all-time favorite restaurants,” He paused, sneaking a cheeky glance at Remus as he drove, “it’ll serve as a good benchmark. If you don’t like it, then I'm sorry, love, but there’s no hope for us.”
“No pressure.” He added afterwards.
Remus chuckled in response, “You’ve clearly underestimated my love for food if you think that statement was a threat. I'm not worried in the slightest.”
“Good.”
Approximately 15 minutes later, they pulled up and parked in front of the restaurant. It was a Thai place. Was this man real? How did he know that he’d been craving Thai food for weeks?
“I hope you’re planning on sharing dishes tonight, because there is no way I'll be satisfied with only eating one thing.” Remus bumped his shoulder as they walked.
Gideon grinned as he opened the door, “Oh, I was counting on it.”
They were quickly seated and started pouring over the menu. They decided on ordering a dish of potstickers as an appetizer as well as an order of drunken noodles and a green curry. The best of both worlds.
Conversation between the pair fell out easily, an endless stream of banter. Gideon was funny, really funny, and so easy to talk to. He had almost forgotten what it was like to discover something new with someone. It was exhilarating and freeing, and just what he needed. He found himself having a wonderful time, laughing at himself for his earlier nervousness.
Still, despite how much fun he was having, the niggling part in his brain kept reminding him about Sirius, as well as how none of this was fair to Gideon. He tried to ignore it for a while, since talking about how you’re in love with your friend isn’t exactly the best first date material. But as the night dragged on and he felt more and more like he wanted to see him again in the future, he decided he needed to be as transparent as possible, even if it was sure to end the whole thing before it began.
“Gideon,” He suddenly departed from their topic of conversation at the moment, “I've had a great time with you tonight, I really have. I do, however, have to admit that I haven't been entirely forthcoming.” He winced, worried about the reaction he was about to receive but when he glanced up, Gideon was patiently sitting, the same cheerful expression on his face, beckoning him to continue. He was not ashamed to admit that it helped an awful lot at soothing his nerves.
“Ok, I- um, I'll guess I'll just say it,” he paused, fumbling for the right words, “I'm in love with somebody. It’s complicated, and he doesn’t know, and nothing will probably ever happen between us, but it still feels wrong not telling you, because I've had a lovely time and I'd like a shot at seeing you again.”
“Just to uh- let you know I guess.” He added awkwardly.
Gideon thought for a second, “Hmmm, let me guess, the guy that you went to the cafe with?”
Remus was shocked and slightly embarrassed at being read so easily, “Uh yeah, yep, that’s the one.” He fully expected Gideon to be mad, or leave, or say something rude to him because how could he not? He was being incredibly selfish going on a date with someone while he still had feelings for someone else.
But Gideon did none of those things, what actually came out of his mouth surprised him far more.
Gideon set down his fork and made unwavering eye contact with him, “I have a proposal for you, a deal of sorts. I too happen to be entangled in one of those complicated love situations, not the same as yours but the end result is the same, I’m in love with somebody that I can't be with.” He cleared his throat before speaking again, “So my proposal to you is that we date for however long we want to since I too have had a wonderful time tonight and would like to see you again. But we date with the knowledge that both of us are primarily in love with other people. And if said person ever becomes an option, we break it off with each other, no hard feelings. Simple as that.”
Remus was stunned into silence, he never could have predicted that this would be how this conversation turned out. He was admittedly very interested. Gideon was lovely, kind, and actually noticed him, it would be nice to have something easy and stable for a while, especially knowing that they are in the same boat.
“Simple as that?” He questioned, needing to double check.
“Simple as that,” Gideon affirmed.
He thought over it for a moment longer, though he had pretty much decided already.
“Alright, I'm in.” His lips turned up and he held his hand out to Gideon across the table, “You have yourself a deal.”
Gideon excitedly took the hand and they shared a firm shake, staring seriously at each other before breaking out in smiles and returning to their previous conversation. Time passed quickly again after that and they hit it off again like nothing was out of the ordinary. Like it didn’t matter that they had just agreed to a non-conventional form of dating. And maybe it didn’t, he guesses all that really mattered at the end of the day was that they were having a good time.
When they had cleared their plates and the check had been paid, they made their way back out to the car, spending the duration of the drive back to Remus’ apartment blasting The Killers at an ungodly volume. Gideon’s hand rested on Remus’ thigh and it was a welcome presence. The warmth that radiated through the contact soothed him, made him feel better than he had in weeks. It was also unbearably sexy, but that was a thought to explore another night.
When they arrived, Gideon walked him to the front door and the two of them stopped in front of it, quiet drifting between the men. It felt as though it ached on unbearably for hours, but in reality only lasted a few seconds.
He’s not sure who moved first, could’ve been either of them, was probably both of them, but all of the sudden their lips were meeting together and it was blissful. The kiss was passionate, heavy and yearning but not too rough, it was just right. They stayed there for a moment, or three,- who was keeping count- simply exploring each other’s mouths earnestly. Gideon’s hands went to file through Remus’ curls while Remus wrapped his arms around Gideon’s lower back, pulling them closer together.
When they broke apart, they barely moved away from each other, taking a moment to bask in their closeness and the feel of the other person.
Gideon spoke first through a small laugh, “Are you free this week, cause I'd really like the opportunity to do that again.”
Remus tilted his head, thinking, “Hmmm, I'm not sure if you're worth it.” He teased, but couldn’t even keep that charade up for longer than a few seconds. He quickly smiled at him and said, “How does Tuesday work for you?”
“Tuesday’s great. 7pm?”
“Sounds perfect.”
“Wonderful,” and then he pulled Remus in for another kiss. This was much shorter, a tease, a small trailer for Tuesday.
He stepped back and then uttered one final, “See you then,” before turning and heading back to his car.
Remus stared after him, caught in a daze from how good the night turned out. Much better than he had ever hoped when he originally saved Gideon’s number. What a pleasant surprise, he guesses he has Sirius to thank for all of it, as fucked up as it is.
Finally regaining his bearings, he turned back to the door and opened it.
He waltzed into the apartment, a giddy grin painted on his face and a warm buzz lingering on his lips. He quickly spied Sirius relaxing on the couch next to James, the pair of them absently watching The Great British Bake Off.
James looked up at him as he walked in, “Hey, well don’t you look happy, I take it your date went well?”
Sirius just crossed his arms and scoffed, staring down the TV like it had personally offended him.
Remus gave him a wary look but chalked it up to one of Sirius’ moods and turned back to James, “Yeah, he’s really sweet, we went out for Thai and shared a couple of dishes. The food was delectable and the conversation was great, I had a really nice time. You know he acts in live theatre productions for thousands of people, isn’t that so cool? We should go see him, his next performances are coming up in a couple weeks.”
Sirius scoffed again.
Remus looked at him again, feeling agitation creep up his skin and settle in his brain.
For his part, he tried. He tried to keep talking to James and ignore the pissy boy next to him. He tried, he really did, but after two more scoffs that were paired with an unchanging face of disgust, Remus had had enough.
“Ok, what the fuck is your problem?”
Sirius turned to look at him, doing a poor job of not looking upset, “What do you mean, there’s no problem.”
“You’re a shit liar.”
“I said I'm fine, Remus, leave it the fuck alone.” Sirius gritted his teeth, clear that he was barely hanging on to the last of his resolve.
“I call bullshit. What’s up with you?” Remus was losing his patience.
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit.”
“Oh, I'm sorry not all of us just came back from a magnificently wonderful date, we can’t all be as happy as you.”
“Wait,” Remus did a visible double take, “that’s what you’re mad about?” He asked in the most incredulous tone.
“You’re mad that I went on a date?”
“Of course I'm mad about the stupid date, We don’t even know the guy,” Sirius actually had the audacity to act like he was justified in the situation.
Remus dragged his tongue slowly across his teeth, a cruel, hateful smile breaking out across his face. There were no words to describe the pure, utter rage that began coursing through his veins at the moment. It was crazy just how fast his pleasant mood had been eradicated. It had taken less than 5 minutes from the time he walked in the door.
“Well, Sirius,” He spoke in a low, sharp tone that was anything but friendly, “in case it escaped your notice, that is the fucking point of dating, to get to know the person.”
The man appeared taken aback by how strong Remus was coming off, “Oh excuse me for trying to look out for you, the guy is a tool.”
“You just said we didn't know him!” He shouted, standing up from the couch and pulling at his hair with his hands, he had lost all illusion of control.
“Well just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t obvious.”
Remus was pacing at this point, just to have something to do, he could not believe the words he was hearing.
“You’re the one that literally encouraged me to go out with him, what do you even mean!” He chanced a glance at James who was sitting uncomfortably on the couch, torn between deciding to intervene or letting them have at it. It became clear he was sticking with the latter option.
Sirius joined Remus standing up and stalking over to him, “I thought you were gonna text the guy, maybe find a friend, not date him!”
“Yeah, because God forbid somebody be interested in me for that, right?” He laughed humorlessly and glared at the other boy.
It was Sirius’ turn to throw his hands up, “That’s not what I meant, just where are your standards, have some respect for yourself.”
Remus cut in, getting mere inches away from Sirius’ face, “That’s fucking rich coming from you.”
“Remus-” Sirius tried.
“No. No. So let me get this straight. When it’s you it's not a problem. You can go off and date whatever shit person you want, bring home a new girl to fuck every bloody weekend and it’s all fun and games. You can treat yourself like shit, treat other people like shit, treat me like shit, it doesn’t matter.” He poked his finger into Sirius’ chest, hard. “But suddenly, I go on one fucking date, one, and now it’s the end of the world? Now it’s a problem? Where are my standards?”
A look of pain and shame briefly flitted across Sirius’ features but quickly disappeared as swiftly as it had come and he continued to add fuel to the fire, “Yes, exactly! You’re supposed to be better than me!”
“Oh my god Sirius!” He shouted once again. “Are you hearing yourself right now? Physically, the words coming out of your mouth, do you hear them? You sound fucking delusional.”
Remus took a step away and then looked back at him again. He was the one who scoffed this time. He could feel it happening. In that moment, he swore he could feel his heart breaking in his chest. He had always assumed that it would happen, had always expected Sirius to break his heart. The man had owned it for so long. Had stolen it away for so long that Remus had long forgotten what it had felt like when it was his own. At some point Remus had willingly offered it in sacrifice, asking nothing in return.
Sirius had been chipping away at it for years, creating small divots in the surface, forging deep cracks down the middle. He had felt every blemish, tarnish, scar that Sirius would carve in him. Every time that Sirius would date someone that wasn’t him. Everytime that he would return to his dorm in boarding school to find him with a different girl. The looks that he would cast in his direction that were never reciprocated. His own feelings constantly cast aside by Sirius like he didn’t even give a shit about him.
Everytime he had felt it, he had felt how his heart was a little less afterwards, how he was just a little less. But despite everything, despite all that pain, he loved Sirius through it all. It was practically ingrained in his DNA at this point, he’d never been able to expunge his love for Sirius from his soul. He’d never be able to rid himself of the disease that was Sirius Black.
So, no Remus was not surprised by the heartbreak that he was experiencing at that moment because he had always known it would come. It was a prophecy destined to be written fact, a catastrophe in his life history fated to go down in infamy. He had foreseen it, had felt it approach like a car crash in slow motion.
What he hadn’t foreseen, what he hadn’t felt approach was that instead of being faced with an aching emptiness in his body, a grief so penetrating he could feel it down to his bone marrow, sorrow that drowned him so deep that he’d never resurface; instead of all that, he was met with a burning.
As he felt his heart snap clean in half, he was met with a burning rage that consumed him, became him, replaced him. Burning that tore him anew from the inside out with no sign of slowing down.
He hadn’t expected it, hadn’t foreseen it, hadn’t felt it come.
He welcomed it nonetheless.
He spat on Sirius, “I don’t fucking understand you.”
_____________________________________
Peter could hear the shouting before he even reached the door. Lovely, so much for a quiet night in. He didn’t even get to make any bets with James about who was gonna win this argument.
Bracing himself, he opened the door and entered the apartment. No one even glanced moderately in his direction. That was unusual. And slightly unnerving. One look at his roommates faces told him this wasn’t a normal petty squabble that occurred every other day. Silently setting down his keys - he didn’t want to attract attention to himself - he leaned against the front wall and tried to get a hold on what the altercation was about.
“Oh, you don’t understand me? So much for friends then huh? So much for knowing me for a decade?” Sirius was red in the face, words practically sputtering out of him in a slobbery mess.
“Yeah, well where is that guy? Where’s my best friend? He’s definitely not here, I don’t see him. All I see is a selfish, narcissistic asshole who has to get whatever they want with zero respect for anybody else.” Remus’ anger presented differently than Sirius’. Not usually a fan of raising his voice, Remus had a tendency to bite with his words, down to the bone. It was brutal to say the least.
“Well if that’s the case, why don’t you go and run along to my brother instead since you seem to understand him so well.”
It wasn’t unlike Sirius to deflect and drag unrelated topics together, he had a knack for not understanding the root of his emotions so when he explodes it tends to overflow everywhere. Bringing up his underlying jealousy about Regulus and Remus’ friendship was inevitable. Though Sirius’ timing was always undoubtedly horrendous.
“Oh for fucks sake? Really? Now? You want to do this right now? After all that, you want to have a conversation about your brother?”
Peter could tell that Remus being wound up this tight was bound to lead to nothing good. They followed the same pattern of fighting as they always had. Sirius would have an unfounded tantrum, get Remus pissed, and then Remus would throw scathing remarks back. Round and round they would go, it was a movie he had seen a thousand times, the stakes just seemed to be higher during this particular viewing.
“We wouldn’t need to be having this conversation if you weren’t hanging out with him all the time.” Right on the money. Typical Sirius response, attributing his own issues to an innocent party.
Remus looked outraged, whatever modicum of restraint he was holding onto suddenly snapped.
“Ok, then. Let’s do this,” Remus gritted out. The words were spoken with no heat but were laced with poison. Sirius rolled his eyes at him.
But Remus was calm, eerily calm, it felt like the temperature in the room had dropped several degrees.
He just held a hand up to Sirius, “No, no, let’s get to the root of the problem here, get all deep and personal.” He slowly started taking small steps forward. “That’s what you wanted right?” He taunted with arched eyebrows while rapidly nodding his head.
“What is it, what could be the main reason why you don’t like me hanging out with Regulus?” His voice was pitched up slightly higher than normal, it was mocking Sirius. He knew he was going to obliterate him but Remus needed to make a show out of it first. He held up a finger to his forehead like he was thinking about a very difficult problem.
“Could it be that you’re jealous that he likes me more than you?” Remus was advancing on Sirius like a hunter approaching his prey caught in a trap, there was no saving it, it was already as good as dead. Sirius turned his head away from Remus, the words had clearly struck a chord.
Remus remained unbothered and continued on, “Hmm no, that’s not it. While it is true, you are jealous and he does like me more than you, that’s not the main issue is it? No. Shucks. Let’s try again.”
“Is it that you’re mad that I get to spend time with him and you don’t?” He stopped and thought about this one, weighing his options.
“Let’s count, I spend time with him, check, one point for Remus. I actually know him, check, another point for Remus. We’re friends, he trusts me, check again, that makes 3 points for Remus and how many for Sirius? Oh, zero. How sad. - Wow, I aced that - Yeah I can see how that could be it, but no, we’re still missing something.” He went back to his little thinking routine.
He was only a couple feet shy of Sirius at this point. All of a sudden he clapped his hands psychotically, face lighting up like he just won the lottery. It was terrifying to witness Remus like this, he had never seen him pushed this far. Peter and James were frozen in place, hypnotized in a trance by the show Remus was putting on, unable to do anything, let alone try and stop it.
“I know it! I know it! pick me! pick me!” He was still smiling when he stopped directly in front of Sirius, looking him up and down like he was nothing but scum. His face dropped instantly, ceasing the act and the expression left on it was nothing but hatred. His voice returned to its low, cutting tone as he didn’t even hesitate to deliver the final blow.
“No, the real issue is that you haven’t come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t need you anymore. He did, once upon a time, when he looked up to you, his big brother, his savior. He thought the world of you and what did you do? You abandoned him, alone, with them. Some shit excuse of a brother you are. Nope, he never needed you after that day. He didn’t need you to survive your parents, didn’t need your help to leave that house, and he certainly doesn’t need you to barge into his life now that he’s doing fine, despite you. No, he’s moved on from you, he’s good. You should be happy for him. You should respect the boundaries he’s put between you. You would if you actually cared for him. But no, you keep trying to drag him back into your bullshit because of the misplaced guilt you have over abandoning him to suffer. You’re pathetic.”
The words sucked the air out of the room and it was deathly still for a sliver of a moment.
The complicated relationship between Sirius and Regulus was never used as ammo in an argument. It was an unspoken rule, yes, but one that everybody abided by. Until now, that is. Peter still wasn’t sure what had gone down before he came home, he can only imagine what boneheaded, damaging things Sirius had blurted out but Remus had crossed a boundary. A major one.
The strained silence was shattered as James spoke first, “Remus, that’s enough. You’ve gone too far.” He tried to physically put himself between the two men, “Stop the both of you, before either of you say anything else you’ll regret.”
This again was a typical response, James was always the best at calming down the two of them, taking initiative before any irreparable damage occurred. It evidently wasn’t enough this time.
“Fuck you.” The words had come out of Sirius’ mouth cold and detached, downright hateful even.
“Sirius--” James tried again, but to no avail.
“No. Fuck you and your stupid entitled bullshit,” murder mixed with an ocean of hurt in Sirius’ eyes, he was drowning in it.
“Sirius--”
“Fuck you. You think you can just come in here and say shit about things you don’t even understand. Were you there? Did you have to live through it? No. So what gives you the goddamn right to say any of those fucking things to me. You vile, disgusting, loathsome-- No, fuck that. Fuck that and fuck you. I don't need that and I sure as hell don't need you. So you can take your self-righteous attitude and fuck off, see if I care, you can fuck off and run to that slimy, spineless little coward--”
“SIRIUS!” James’ voice boomed and nearly shook the whole apartment. It worked instantaneously to shut Sirius’ mouth up.
“Take a walk. Go. Take a walk and deal with your anger before coming back. Now.” His tone was harsh, cutting, and left absolutely no room for Sirius to talk back. Peter was taken aback. He had never heard James sound anywhere close to that, especially not directed at Sirius.
It was unusual to say the least. Peter’s head swarmed with questions as Sirius looked down, not even bothering to say another word or grab anything as he stormed out the door, slamming it behind him.
James scrubbed a hand down his face and turned back to Remus who was standing stalk still, nearly vibrating with anger. “You were out of line, Remus. Saying those things about him and Regulus. Way out of line.”
Remus didn’t look one bit remorseful, in fact it looked as though James’ words angered him even more, “Yeah, well I really don’t fucking care.”
The three of them stood there, not sure where to go from here, what the next course of action should be.
James opened his mouth again about to say something but Remus beat him to the punch, “I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with him. If I'm here when he comes back I'm going to kill him.”
With that, he promptly pivoted and stomped to his room, James and Peter followed unconsciously behind, merely spectating as they watched Remus tear through his room haphazardly stuffing items into a backpack.
“Where are you going?” The edge of James’ voice had been mostly removed, instead replaced with a hint of concern for his friend.
Remus pushed past the two men in the doorway and made his way back to the kitchen. He grabbed his phone off the counter, typing out a quick message before he pocketed the device and moved towards the front door.
“Regulus’.”
James visibly relaxed slightly, “When are you coming back?”
“I don’t know,” Remus choked out in a gruff voice. When he reached the handle, he grabbed it roughly and yanked the door open.
He was halfway out of it when he turned his head back to James.
“Tell him not to bother contacting me.”
He twisted back around and took the remaining steps outside.
The door slammed for the second time in a matter of minutes.
The two remaining friends basked in the silence for a moment, reeling from the recent events as the echo of the door reverberated around the apartment.
Without a word Peter walked to the fridge, grabbed two beers from inside, cracked them open with a bottle opener, and passed one to James across the counter.
He barely blinked as he accepted the drink from his friend’s hands, bringing it to his lips as he took a large swig. And then another. And then another.
“What the fuck was that?” Peter blurted out, the first words he had spoken all night.
“A shitshow.”
Peter rolled his eyes, “Obviously, I mean like what the fuck happened. I only got here halfway through.”
James held his finger up, a signal to wait, and spent another minute chugging the rest of his beer down. When he was done he took a deep breath and began speaking again, “Remus came home from his date with Gideon and Sirius was jealous that he had a good time. It’s obvious that’s why he was upset, even if he’s too thick to understand. Anyways, you know how it goes. Remus pressed, Sirius snapped, said some really shitty things, Remus reciprocated and it devolved.”
James looked downcast before he continued on, “I should've stepped in earlier before it could get so ugly.” He bit his lip, “But part of me wanted Remus to just give it to Sirius because he was being a total asshole. In the beginning anyways, I didn’t think it would progress as far as it did. Thought it would be like their other fights.”
“Hey, their fight was not your fault.” He leaned over the kitchen counter, trying to meet James’ eye. “You can’t blame yourself for their actions. Remus needs to learn when to stop and Sirius needs to pull his head out of his ass and learn how to solve his problems. That’s not on you.”
“Yeah, yeah, no I know, really I do. Doesn’t mean that I couldn't have helped prevent this.” He gestured around to the otherwise empty space, painfully devoid of two of its members. “I mean Remus fucking lost it there. Have you ever seen him so furious?”
Peter vehemently shook his head, “No, never. It was like it wasn’t even him. It was kind of spooky not gonna lie, gave me goosebumps.”
“Isn’t that the truth. I don’t know, I think it just all caught up to him. Everything with Sirius.” The pair were deep in thought, analyzing the relationship between their friends.
Peter began again, “I think it’s been a long time coming, honestly, he was bound to snap eventually.”
James huffed, tilted his head in agreement, and then said, “Yeah, probably. One can only take so much shit I guess. Sirius was correct though, Remus didn’t have the right to say those things to him.”
“No, definitely not.” Peter was the one agreeing this time. “Do you think he’ll ever work it out?”
“With whom, Remus or Regulus?”
“Both I guess,”
“I don’t know. I hope so, because it’s so exhausting to be caught in the middle all the time.”
“Yeah,” Peter exhaled, “I'm right there with you.”
Silence fell over them as Peter took in the new information he had learned before questioning, “And what about Regulus?”
James tensed up, “What about Regulus? You know Sirius is insecure about Remus and Regulus’ friendship and--”
“I’m not talking about that,” Peter interrupted, gaining a quizzical look from James, “I was referring to you and Regulus. You lost it as soon as Sirius insulted him. I’ve never seen you like that in all the years I've known you.”
James looked down at his hands, sheepish. “That uh-, that admittedly was not my finest moment. It kind of just came out, I don't know.” He looked pained, clearly holding something back.
Disjointed puzzle pieces swam around in his head as he tried to read between the lines. It took Peter a moment before everything clicked together. He shot up instantly.
“You and Regulus?” he exclaimed in disbelief, hoping he was mistaken.
James’ cheeks turned pink and he looked insanely guilty, it was all the confirmation Peter needed.
“Oh shit,” Peter muttered as he backed away a step and brought his hands to rest on the top of his head, fingers interlaced. “Oh you are so fucked.”
James rubbed a hand down his face again, “Yeah I know, don’t remind me.”
“No, like royally fucked. Did you not just see how Sirius reacted to Remus being friends with him. You’re a dead man walking.” Peter was suddenly filled with an absurd amount of dread on behalf of his friend.
“Regulus?” He repeated, still in shock.
James nodded.
“Oh James, you are so stupid. James. Oh dear lord, we need to start planning your funeral. Regulus?” Peter was still freaking out.
“Yes, Regulus, yes, I know. I- I didn't mean for it to happen, he’s just so lovely. And he just understands me, you know, takes all my quirks in stride. He’s so sweet and -”
“Regulus? Regulus Black? Sweet? Are we talking about the same person?” Peter was almost positive he had heard wrong.
“Shut up, yes, and he is, I swear, he’s so sweet and pretty and mean and he’s just- he’s so calming. I feel so at peace when I'm around him.” James continued on for a minute, gushing about his partner.
Peter watched as his friend broke out into a goofy grin as he kept talking. His face had brightened up considerably, temporarily forgetting about the recent strife and he didn’t think he’d ever seen James so… happy. At least not for a long time. And Peter, well Peter didn’t have it in him to be mad at his best friend when he looked like that.
Peter relented against his better judgment, “He better make you happy, otherwise you need to cut it the fuck out.”
James looked up at him and smiled even bigger, “He does. He really does.”
“Then I'm happy for you.” Peter clapped James on the shoulder, “Sirius is still gonna kill you.”
His smile faltered, “Yeah I know. I’m terrified of what he’ll do when he finds out.”
“When are you planning on telling him?”
James winced and rubbed the back of his neck, “I'm not really sure. Definitely not anytime soon after all that,” James waved his hand around the apartment, alluding to the fight, “it’s also fairly new. Well, the relationship part anyways but we’re keeping it a secret from everyone at the moment. His friends don’t know.”
A thought suddenly popped into Peter’s brain, “Does Remus know?”
James flinched again, “Yeah, I assume so anyways, you can never hide anything from him. Any of those three really. Have you seen them together, Regulus, Remus and Lily? They’re fucking terrifying.” He shuddered.
Despite everything, it pulled a laugh of Peter, “No, but I can imagine.” The good feeling faded quickly as solemnity washed over him, “Now he’s the last to know. It’s going to break him that we all knew first.”
James’ own light smile flickered away as well, and he exhaled deeply, “Yeah, I know.”
“How do you think he is?”
“I’m not sure, I hope he’s okay.” He pulled out his phone to check the time as he texted him, “it’s getting late, with any luck he’ll be coming back soon. I shouldn’t have kicked him out like that, I was too harsh.”
“Hey, not your fault remember, you broke up the fight before it went any further and told him to cool off. You handled it well, all things considering. He’ll be ok.” Peter hoped anyways, there was no telling where he was or what destructive coping mechanism he was gonna fall back onto this time. All they could do was hold on to the idea that he’d keep himself safe.
Peter gestured towards the couch and the TV. “You wanna watch something while we wait up for him?”
James thought about it for a second and gave in, “Yeah, OK. Me and Sirius were watching The Great British Bake Off before everything went to shit.”
“Bake Off? Really?” He shot a judgemental look at the other man .
James protested, “What, they’re all so nice and I love their accents. Don’t act like you don’t fawn over a good English accent.”
Peter gave in, mostly due to the fact that he could tell that this would help to calm James’ mind but also because he too couldn’t resist a posh accent, “Yeah, alright, fine, you’ve convinced me, let’s watch it.”
“Sweet.”
They plopped themselves on opposite sides of the couch, curling under a copious amount of blankets and unpaused the show. The calm voices started speaking again and the two friends slowly relaxed, using the sweet pastries to keep their minds from pondering over the night’s earlier turmoil.
Hours passed and eventually the two fell asleep there on the couch, the soothing baking show left running in the background. They drifted off still expecting their friend to return at any moment.
Sirius didn’t come home that night.