Spitting Off The Edge of The World

Sirius’ eyes snapped open when he felt the heel of a shoe hit the side of his head. Rude. That’s not a very pleasant way to wake up. He tried to make sense of his surroundings but nothing looked familiar. Where the fuck was he.

Another shoe hit him.

“Ow! Stop that!” He yelled. He didn’t even know who he was yelling at.

A feminine voice screeched back. He didn’t recognize it. “Finalllyyyy! You’re awake, I've been trying to get you up for the last 15 minutes. You need to leave now, like right now. My boyfriend’s on his way over. He cannot see you here.”

His head hurt. It was too early for this. Boyfriend? Whose boyfriend?

Unfortunately he didn’t get another to think about it, because the covers that were hiding his almost entirely naked body were suddenly ripped away and he was bombarded with cold air. Rude.

“Get the fuck up!” The girl was now pawing at his body trying to get him out of bed. He got a good look at her finally. No, he had no recollection of who she was. Though that was probably a good thing considering the current situation.

“Alright! Alright!” He swatted her hands away and got out of the bed, looking for his clothes, he felt very uncomfortable being only in his boxers.

He barely had time to grab his clothes and phone off the floor before the girl was physically shooing him out of the bedroom and towards the front door. Rude. Scrambling as quickly as he could he stepped into his pants, trying to get dressed. Dainty hands grabbed the door handle, exposing the outer world and then reached behind Sirius’s back, shoving him outside. The door slammed shut just as he pulled his pants the rest of the way up and zipped up his fly. He was still half naked and didn’t have his shoes on. Taking a second, he ran his hands through his hair and looked around.

“Shit.”

People around were gawking at him, unconcealed looks of judgment clear on their faces. He waved slightly at them and choked out a small laugh. Awkward. Thankfully they went back to whatever they were doing before and he went back to getting properly dressed. Once he had fully regained his modesty, he pulled out his phone. He had hoped to find out what time it was and where the fuck he was.

It was dead.

“Fuck.”

Well, that’s just wonderful. He decided he needed to leave regardless in order to avoid mystery woman’s boyfriend showing up and seeing him disheveled on the doorstep. Yeah, he couldn’t imagine that going over well. Turning onto a random street he tried to find some kind of landmark for where he was. Ten minutes later, it was pure happenstance that he passed by one of his favorite bars. Vague, fragmented memories from last night filtered through his brain. Oh, so that’s how he met mystery woman. Figures. Luckily enough for him he knew how to get to his flat from there. It was unsurprisingly one of the only places he could get to without directions. Another 20 minutes of walking and he was at his front door.

He hesitated while opening the door, listening for any sounds coming from inside. When he didn’t hear any he more confidently entered. Still paranoid, he did a lap around the apartment checking all the rooms to make sure they were empty and he was alone. He lingered a moment longer when he got to Remus’ room.

It had been just over a week since ‘the event’ as he had taken to calling it. He hadn’t talked with James or Peter and didn’t even know where Remus was. By the look of his room he hadn’t been home recently.

As per usual, Sirius was a mess. He didn’t know why he was so pissed off that night when Remus came home. He just… was. He couldn’t explain it. And then he had to go make an ass of himself like usual. And be overbearing like usual. And Remus spoke nothing but the truth. Like usual. He honestly wasn’t even surprised. It was only a matter of time before Remus had had enough of him. Really he was surprised that he had stuck around as long as he did. Selfishly, he wanted him longer. He couldn’t imagine life without Remus, he didn’t want to. Remus was always just… there. A constant force everywhere he went, keeping him grounded. Like his own personal gravity. Yeah. Of course he assumed that eventually they’d all grow old and be boring and get married or something, but even when he pictured the future, Remus was still there right by his side.

He couldn’t afford to give up such a good friend. Now the only thing to do was figure out how to win Remus over again.

He took a shower instead.

It had already been a long enough day, what with the abrupt wakeup call he received and the lingering effects of his hangover. He was sure his head might explode if he added more stress to the day. Plus, Remus hated him anyway. What could he even do? Nothing. He deserved to wallow. Yup. His mind was made up.

Exiting the shower, he was finally able to check the time since his phone had been charging. He outright refused to look at any clock that wasn’t his lit up phone screen, it went against his morals.

If he rushed he could make it to his 2pm lecture. He should just skip. But, he did need to go. Buttttt, he was really hungry, he needed some food. But, he really did need the lecture notes, they had an exam coming up. Buuuutttt, what was just one more missed class. But, Alphard would have his head if he fell behind in school. He wasn’t willing to risk dealing with the consequences if that happened.

Sighing and cursing to himself, he moped around the apartment grabbing everything he needed, which wasn’t a lot really. He’d eventually have to figure out what to do with said things later, as he had no intention of coming back for the rest of the night. But that was a problem for future Sirius. Most things were.

He was 20 minutes late to his lecture.

He had decided to stop at a cafe on the way and grab a sandwich. He was really hungry. Ignoring the stares from his classmates and the annoyed look from the professor who was mad at his interruption, he found an empty seat and pulled out his laptop to take notes. Some furious note taking, multiple bouts of confusion and two mini naps later, the lecture was finally over. He wasn’t sure he learned anything. Eh, he could deal with that later. He pulled out his phone to check the time. 4:32.

What to do, oh what to do. Was it too early to start drinking? Probably. It was 4:30 on a Monday. And he was not an alcoholic so he was not going to go to a bar. Obviously. Instead, he was going to behave like the mature adult he was and do something productive. Obviously.

He went swimming.

Well, swimming wasn’t exactly the right word for it. He didn’t really get in the water. No, he broke into the gated pool of an apartment complex that he didn’t live in and reclined on one of the pool chairs, basking in the late September sun and pretended that he was spending a warm summer day swimming, drinking margaritas and thinking of nothing evil in the world.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t so lucky, not even Sirius could delude himself that much. That didn’t stop him from trying though. He spent over an hour there, stubbornly banishing any and all thoughts from his mind. He was pathetic? Pssh, says who? He was unlovable. What? Outrageous. He was needy and selfish and was destined to die alone, poor, miserable, and forgotten? Never heard of her.

Maybe he was still deluding himself. If everybody is in agreement about something then it must make it true, right? Him, his mother, and Remus all seemed to believe those things so who was he kidding. How could they all be wrong?

He was difficult and broken. His friends were sick of him and his brother didn’t need him.

Enough was enough, he was done sitting around, sober, feeling bad about himself. It was time to drink.

He checked the time. 6:17. Perfect, it was a wonderfully respectable time to go drink his body weight in liquor. See, not an alcoholic.

He arrived at one of his favorite bars, The Leaky Cauldron, and quickly got working on downing a beer. To no one’s surprise, it didn’t make him feel better. It also didn’t stop him from doing it either.

He wanted Remus. And James. Peter. All of them. They were his chosen family, his support system. He couldn’t function without them. As evidenced by the past week.

But he couldn’t have them. Because he was here, getting drunk in a bar for the 5th consecutive night. He was alone and his friends hated him.

He wanted Regulus. His brother. His born family, his soul. He didn’t want to have to keep living without him. He wasn’t sure he could. He might have to because Regulus hat-, no he wouldn’t even entertain the thought. He couldn’t.

In an unprecedented bout of courage or stupidity, Sirius did something that no one would expect and yet it was the only thing he could think to do. Maybe it was only because he was already well on his way to being wasted that he was able to follow through with it. Maybe it was because he was itching for more pain or because he didn’t actually think anything would come of it. He’s not sure.

Regardless of whatever the motivation behind it was, Sirius pulled out his phone and sent off a text he never thought he would.

Years later he’d look back and thank every God he didn’t believe in that he did.
________________________________________

Regulus was in his kitchen serving himself up a plate of pasta that Lily had taught him how to make. He was alone, Remus was at work but he made sure to leave a hefty portion for him in the fridge that would be there when he got home.

He sat down at the table, eating a few bites of the delicious dinner. He was in the middle of bringing up the fork to his mouth when a text message notification made him pause. He glanced at the phone screen.

From: Unknown Number

I Hate me
My friends hate me
Wanna get drunk with me

Regulus dropped his fork and it clattered on his plate before falling to his leg and then ultimately the ground.

“Shit.”

He grabbed a napkin and wiped the sauce stains marking his pants and then sat back in his chair, unmoving for a while. It was deathly quiet. He recognized who had sent the text immediately despite the fact that he had never received a text from Sirius before. How he even got his number was a mystery, Regulus had definitely never given it to him. His money was on James, he’d have to ask him later.

Normally, he’d write off any text that he received from Sirius without another thought, play it off as some half-hearted attempt to make amends between the two of them. This was admittedly not… that. The texts had no mention of wanting to fix their relationship, only an invitation to drink together. Something about it made him way more receptive to the idea. He had gathered enough information from both Remus and James about the fight that had occurred last week to know that it was rough. Sirius was not coping well, that much was obvious. Neither was Remus honestly, but that was beyond the point.

Regulus wanted to talk to James. Or Lily. Pandora, Dorcas, Evan. Hell, even Barty would offer some kind of advice. Some kind of direction or guidance that would let him know whether he should respond or not. He wanted to pick up his phone and call any one of them, but he stayed unmoving. He was worried they would tell him not to go, that it wouldn’t be good for him; Sirius was not his biggest fan at the moment, James hadn’t told him specifics but he knew enough. Lily would probably tell him to go because she would go see Petunia in a heartbeat if it was her that texted. He couldn’t tell if he was more worried to hear that.

He didn’t call anyone. What he was the most worried about was himself. If he spent too long without deciding, his anxiety would blow the situation out of proportion and he’d never be able to convince himself to respond.

And he wanted to respond, at least that, he could tell that much. He wanted his brother back in his life despite the uncertainty and convoluted feelings surrounding him. He wanted his brother to want to know him, and this was as good an opportunity as he was ever going to receive. So yes, he wanted to respond. He could respond. He could be brave for once in his miserable life and respond to a text.

He grabbed his phone, hovered over the keys for a minute, he could do this. It was three words. Just three words. Well, three words and a brother he’d been more or less estranged from for 6 years. No. Nope, he refused to let himself think about that. If he went down that rabbit hole it was game over. He tried to rationalize it to himself. Sirius probably wasn’t even going to respond to him. Right. It was probably just a drunk text meant for someone else. No harm no foul. Regulus could respond and it didn’t matter if Sirius didn’t reply back. Yeah, he was having a hard time convincing himself of that last one.

In less than five seconds, he typed out the words ‘where are you’, sent them, turned his phone off, and slammed it face down on the counter. 30 seconds after that he let out a huge breath of air that he didn’t even realize he was holding in. He reminded himself that he had to keep breathing and struggled through multiple shaky inhales and exhales.

The reply came less than a minute later. He heard the loud ding of the notification resonate throughout the silent building. He didn’t turn over the phone. It probably wasn’t even Sirius, just some other person in his life that happened to text him right at that time. What if it was Sirius. What if it was Sirius and he texted back saying, ‘nevermind’ or ‘why would I actually want to hang out with you’ or ‘you didn’t think I was being serious did you’. Regulus wasn’t sure he could handle that kind of rejection, definitely not from his brother. Very rarely did he willingly put himself in such an exposed position as he had right then.

The phone stayed turned over on the table.

Regulus paced around his apartment. He was losing himself to his anxiety, he could feel it. He could feel his chances for seeing Sirius slip further away every minute he left that phone on the table. Now would be a great time to call James, or Lily, or Pandora. Now that he was knee deep in his mind and could use a little reassurance. Unfortunately, that required turning over his phone to use it which kind of defeated the whole point. That was not an option at the moment. He briefly debated closing his eyes and trying to navigate through his phone like that to get to the calling page. No, that wouldn’t work, once he picked up his phone at all he wouldn’t be able to resist looking at the message. He was kicking himself for not enabling Siri voice activation.

He started counting his steps, over and over and over. Back and forth from the kitchen to the hallway. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. 9 steps there. 9 steps back. Over and over and over again. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. Step. All he needed to do was turn over his phone. Just one small movement. That’s it.

In a sudden fit, he rushed back over to the kitchen table and flipped over the phone, squeezing his eyes shut before he could even see the screen. He took a deep breath and then opened his eyes. The message was from Sirius. It said one word.

From: Unknown Number

Leaky

Regulus grabbed his keys and rushed out the door before he could even entertain the idea of doing anything else. His plate of pasta and fallen fork left abandoned in his wake.

He took twice as long getting to The Leaky Cauldron than he should’ve taken. He stopped no less than three times, convinced it was a terrible idea and warred with himself over whether to turn around or not. He decided to keep going.

When he finally reached the bar, it took him less than a second to spot his brother’s hunched over body sitting at an otherwise empty table. Hesitantly he strolled over, stopping at the table. He awkwardly stood in front of Sirius for a while, trying to figure out what to say when Sirius must have sensed his presence and looked up at him through hazy eyes.

“You came.”

“Well I did ask you where you were. I feel like that should’ve given it away.”

“Yes, but I didn't think you’d actually show. Why are you here?” Merlin, Regulus in all his panic had temporarily forgotten how insufferable his brother was.

“You asked me to come,” he snorted with a hint of annoyance.

He took a swig of his beer and then wiped his upper lip with his sleeve, “Well someone had to reach out first. We both know you never would’ve.”

Regulus rolled his eyes at the pettiness, but Sirius wasn’t wrong in the slightest so he mostly let it go, “Right.” He spoke and then turned to walk towards the bar.

“Wait, don’t leave, where are you going?” Sirius sounded sad.

He turned back towards him and gestured to the bar, “Relax, I'm getting a drink.”

“Oh.”

Regulus rolled his eyes again, he was doing a lot of that, “Yeah.”

Regulus turned back around and continued on, “God knows I need one,” he muttered under his breath. He waved the bartender down and ordered a rum and coke to take back to the table as well as 2 tequila shots to take the edge off.

What was he doing getting drunk on a Monday night? He had class tomorrow. Alphard would probably congratulate him for being so reckless, the prick. It wasn’t that he was a saint or anything, he was just a bit… uptight. Although, he thought sensible was a better descriptor if having qualms about getting plastered on the first night of the week were the qualifications. He brushed the thought off and threw the shots back. This was a one time thing, he’d be alright for one night.

As he made his way back to the table, warm alcohol now flowing through his veins, he noticed a backpack down at Sirius’ feet. Jesus, did he come directly from class. That was not a good sign. He wasn’t sure if he should bring it up at all though, considering he didn’t have much ground to stand on with Sirius at the moment. Calling him out and possibly angering him right out of the gate was probably not the best way to approach the night.

He stiffly sat down and Sirius glanced up, looking relieved to see that Regulus had actually returned like he said he would. Regulus watched as Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something but quickly shut it again. Awkward silence fell between the both of them. They didn’t look at each other, just slowly nursed their drinks simultaneously.

Truthfully, Regulus probably could have sat in silence the whole night. He was never good at starting conversations, and rarely ever felt the need to fill quiet with meaningless chatter. The same could not be said about Sirius.

He broke first, “So…”

“So…” Regulus indulged.

Sirius blurted out the first thing that came to mind which was unsurprisingly, “Have you heard from Remus recently?”

“It'd be kind of hard not to, considering the fact that he’s staying with me.” Regulus didn’t mean anything by the comment, but by the look on Sirius’ face he could tell it came as a bit of a shock. And not a pleasant one at that.

“He is?” His voice was of disbelief, but tinged with something else, Regulus couldn’t tell what.

“Yes.”

“Of course, he is.”

Regulus bit his tongue and ignored the obvious spite that came out with the statement and instead asked, “Did you not know?”

“No I did not, it's not like he was gonna tell me himself, we’re not exactly on speaking terms.” Sirius’ tone was sharp and annoyed and Regulus was struggling to keep his cool because of it.

“I don’t know I guess I assumed that-”

“Well you assumed wrong.”

“Well he is, now you know.” He was curt and stiff, but if they kept going like that, the night wouldn’t end well.

Sirius gave a tight nod in agreement, nothing more was said on the subject.

“Where have you been staying?” Regulus tried, gesturing to the bag on the ground.

Sirius bit his lip, “I don't wanna talk about it.”

Regulus looked anywhere but Sirius, he wasn’t going to press, “Right.”

The silence returned and dragged on for what felt like forever. The two of them just sat there, uncomfortable, acting like less than strangers.

“Can I ask you a question?” It was Sirius who broke the silence again, always being brave enough to take the first step.

“You can ask, I can't guarantee that I'll answer.”

Sirius decided that he’d take what he could get, “How did you get out?” He cleared his throat, “How’d you escape our parents?”

Wow, coming out with the hard hitting questions this early. Regulus shifted awkwardly in his seat. He didn’t want to talk about it for fear of judgment from his brother. He was never very good at opening up to people, it took him a long time to get comfortable enough to be vulnerable, and even then it was still a challenge. Even after many years away from his parents, he had never been able to shake the guards that he had up. A very small number of people knew anything about the inner workings of his brain and he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to include Sirius in any of that. Still though, Sirius was here, trying, and had plucked up the courage to ask and Regulus wanted to try too.

“Alphard.” Regulus’ abrupt answer startled Sirius, by the look on his face he was not expecting to get a response.

Regulus finished off the remaining dregs of his rum and coke before elaborating.

“I uh- reached out to him right before my 18th birthday. I found his business contact info online and got in touch with him. He responded, thank gods, and we caught up.”

Sirius was intently watching, silent as Regulus had ever seen him - which was saying a lot-, absorbing every word that Regulus spoke. It was an unfamiliar feeling, it wasn’t very often that Regulus ever felt he was worth listening to and he had never imagined Sirius ever would make him feel that way again, however brief as it may be. He blinked his eyes, pushing the thought away and carried on.

“One day, shortly before my 18th birthday, I asked him if he was able or willing to help me get away from our parents, fully expecting to be shot down and laughed at, but Alphard just agreed, no questions asked, and immediately put together a team of lawyers. I don’t know what they did or how they did it but they found some loophole or negotiated some sort of deal. I'm not entirely sure what went down and I'm not sure I ever want to know, I can imagine it was less than moral.” He suppressed a wince thinking back to that time of his life.

“In the end, once I turned 18, I got full access to my untouched trust fund and a legally binding contract signed by both parents, preventing them from being able to contact me ever again. I was extremely lucky, and owe I it all to Alphard. I moved out all my stuff, rented an apartment with a couple of friends, and that was that. Never looked back.”

Sirius stayed silent long after Regulus finished talking, an unreadable expression on his face. Regulus assumed it was a mix of hurt, shock, and fuck knows what else. He didn’t like it and couldn’t take the suspense. He felt his walls shoot up and he got defensive in preparation for Sirius’ scrutiny.

“What, not as dramatic and pitiful as you thought it would be? Thinking about how I had it so much easier than you did because I walked away with money and all my possessions. That you can hold it over my head that I didn't get beaten out of the house.” He scoffed and tried to glare at Sirius with his eyes, silently daring him to look up and make eye contact with him. “I know you’re thinking it, just say it Sirius.”

But when Sirius finally met his eyes, they weren't angry, they weren't disgusted, in fact Regulus swears that he saw something akin to reverence there.

“I’m sorry,” was what Sirius finally landed on.

Regulus spluttered, “What?”

“I’m sorry you had to do that alone, sorry I wasn’t there.”

Regulus was taken aback, the words punctured something so deep in him that he practically deflated on the spot. Apologies weren’t something that happened in their house and it seemed almost strange hearing those words fall from Sirius’ tongue. He had never expected it from Sirius, never thought he was worthy or deserving of it, he still didn’t. Regulus had no clue what to do, his mind blanked as he tried to find something to say in response. He failed miserably.

“Um, I'm gonna get a refill, want something?”

If Sirius was upset about his lack of response he didn’t show it. He stared at him with the same expression and responded, “Sure, I'll get whatever you’re having.”

“Right.”

He got up to walk away but before he could go anywhere, Sirius reached out and clutched his wrist. Regulus looked down at him.

“I want you to know that there is not a single universe where I would be happy that you got hurt. Not one.”

Regulus just nodded and walked to the bar ordering two more rum and cokes, thankful for the minor reprieve to gather his thoughts, Sirius’ words floating around in his brain.

The constant comparison to his brother from his parents growing up had firmly imprinted on him. His mother’s words from years past remained echoing in his brain. All the threats she made to him telling him he needed to behave better than Sirius. Be perfect. All the times she punished him anyways for being too different from Sirius, too weak, too quiet. After going his whole life hearing those kinds of things, he couldn’t help but make the same statements to himself. To this day he still compared small and large details about his life to Sirius’, even their trauma. He always assumed it was the same for Sirius, that he would hold the differences in their childhoods against him. That last sentence Sirius had said made him reconsider. If Sirius didn’t compare him, maybe he didn’t need to either. He was out from under his parents, maybe it was time for him to finally stop letting them keep affecting his life.

Returning to the table with the drinks was not as awkward as he would’ve thought. They stayed away from any other heavy conversations at the moment, and alternatively used their time to try and relearn small details about each other. A tentative truce was formed between them and started slowly easing into conversation.

Another drink or two later and they were fully in it.

“Alright, your top 3 bands. Go.”

Regulus thought about the question for about .3 seconds, “Palaye Royale, Lana, and Pomme.”

Sirius coughed, “Melodramatic bitch,” and then coughed again.

“Oh like you’re one to talk. You’re a walking stereotype. Queen, Bowie, and Harry Styles. Really?” Although he didn’t think Sirius quite knew what stereotypes he was fitting into, that was a conversation for another day.

“Hey, you cannot say a single word about them, they are God.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

“As a matter of fact they do help me sleep at night.”

“Whatever.”

Sirius moved on, “Favorite song.”

“You don’t know my favorite song.”

“Don’t be so quick to judge, brother, I know a fair amount of music.” Sirius leaned back, challenging him.

Regulus rolled his eyes and kept his apathetic tone, “You don’t know my favorite song.”

“Try me.”

“2:00 am by Sarah Clean.”

“Yeah, ok, I don't know your favorite song.”

Regulus threw up his hands, “Crazy, if only I hadn't told you that already.”

Sirius was the one who rolled his eyes that time, “Shut up.”

“What’s yours?”

Sirius looked lost, “What’s my what?”

“Your favorite song,” He drawled out, his brother truly was impossible.

“Oh.”

Regulus scoffed, “Idiot.”

“Right,” Sirius took a swig of his drink, “California Soul by Marlena Shaw.”

Regulus raised his eyebrows in appreciation, “Wow, looks like someone has some unique taste after all.”

“Yes, yes, thank you, thank you. Don’t have to be a pretentious dick about it.”

They drifted in and out of topics, ranging from movies, to school, to jewelry and fashion. All light, surface level topics until Sirius looked around the bar, spotting a pretty brunette woman sipping a drink while looking at something on her phone.

“Hey, look, she's cute.”

Regulus gave a non-committal hum, “Uh- sure.”

Sirius turned back to him, “Not your type? What kind of girls do you usually go for then, blondes, gingers?”

Regulus just looked dumbfounded for a second. Was Sirius joking?

Sirius picked up on the confusion, “What? What’d I say?”

“Sirius, I'm gay.”

He spit out his drink, “What?”

“I’m gay.” The second time Regulus said it did nothing to diminish Sirius’ shock.

“You’re joking.”

Regulus was honestly stunned that this was new information for Sirius. He shook his head, “Not in the slightest. I thought you knew. How did you not know?”

“Fuck you, how would I have known that?”

Regulus shrugged, bewildered, “I don’t know, it’s not like it was a secret. Everyone knows I'm gay, figured it would’ve gotten back to you by now. I mean we’ve seen each other at parties and things, how have you never seen me with a guy?”

“Well, it didn't and I haven't.” Sirius backed into himself and the mood of the conversation became sullen.

There were no words from Sirius after that, he sat quiet, a scrunched up grimace plastered on his face. Regulus did not appreciate it.

“What?” He asked, causing Sirius to look at him.

“What?” Sirius returned, confused.

“Why do you look like that?” Regulus was getting agitated.

“Why do I look like what?”

“That.” He gestured to Sirius’ entire face.

He looked mildly offended, “it’s just my face, Regulus.”

“No, you look like you just smelt something dead.”

“I’m not making a face.”

“Yes, you are. It’s an ugly face.”

Sirius gritted his teeth, “Gee, thanks.”

Regulus drew some conclusions and reared back, “Don’t tell me you’re homophobic.”

“What- no, Regulus, really?” He looked taken aback that Regulus would assume something that of him.

Regulus wasn’t convinced, “Well you’re the one that’s making the face. What am I supposed to think?”

Sirius ran both of his hands through his hair and stated, “No I'm not- homophobic, I’m just… surprised is all.”

“Surprised?” Regulus wasn’t sure that he preferred that answer, the conversation didn’t seem to be leaning in a positive direction.

“Just surprised that Walburga’s precious child is gay.” The words came out abruptly and were filled with disdain.

The truce was immediately broken.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Not, -it’s not, I don’t know, you were always the obedient one. I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t expect this from you.”

“You’re kidding me, right.”

“Excuse me for taking a second to process that mother’s perfect child, who could do no wrong-”

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Regulus cut him off and pursed his lips. Typical. The second that Regulus thinks that maybe he was actually getting along with his brother, Sirius proves him wrong once again by saying something like that. Typical.

Sirius didn’t let it go, “What don’t I know? I know that you never once did anything she didn’t tell you to do.”

“I’m sorry that I wasn't a big fan of intentionally pissing her off just so I could get hit.”

Regulus was settling into his stony persona as Sirius got progressively more heated.

He waved a finger in Regulus’ face, “Oh fuck you, I took a lot of those hits for you.”

“You can’t even claim that. You ignored me in that house for years.”

“A relationship works two ways, Regulus. And that house was suffocating me, it was torture having to put up with them over breaks.”

“Torture for you? You had the luxury of being gone for months, I had to come home to them every day.” come home and be forced to be perfect to pick up the slack from you were the words he left unsaid.

Sirius threw his hands out, “Like I said before, you seemed to get along with them just fine, holding up their-- Fuck!.”

Regulus had knocked over Sirius’ drink causing it to land all over his lap.

“Oops.”

Sirius grabbed some napkins and half-heartedly tried to mop up the mess on his clothes. He gave up quickly and accepted the fact that he was going to be sticky and reeking of alcohol for the rest of the night.

He stared down at his pants, “I deserved that.”

Regulus glared, “Yeah you did.”

Silence.

The brothers looked anywhere but each other for a few heated seconds.

Sirius broke first, “Right. I’m going to grab another drink, want anything?”

Regulus ran his tongue across his bottom before agreeing and answered, “Tequila sunrise.”

Sirius nodded and peeled off to go order the new round of drinks.

When he returned they continued as if nothing had happened. Not the healthiest thing to do but they weren’t the healthiest people. It took a while for them to regain the cordiality that they previously established but they got back to it.

They talked and talked and talked. And then bickered. And then fought. And then sat in silent anger. And then talked more.

Regulus switched to water for the last couple rounds because he still had an ounce of preservation but Sirius kept going at it with the drinks. It was… worrying.

Sirius was utterly sloshed when his head shot up, “Karaoke! We need karaoke!”

“No. Sirius, no.” Regulus’ face dropped, “We do not need karaoke.”

“Shut up, yes we do.” He got up to wander around looking for the karaoke machine.

There wasn't one. The Leaky Cauldron was not a karaoke bar.

Sirius either didn’t remember that or just didn’t want to accept that fact when he went over to the bartender asking where the microphone was. Regulus watched, painfully, from afar.

Sirius inevitably started arguing with the bartender when they told him there weren’t any microphones until the bartender lightly pushed him back towards the table.

“The jackass said there wasn’t any karaoke,” He said in a huff as he landed back in his seat.

Regulus had hoped that that would be the end of it, but he wasn’t so lucky.

“Well I say we don’t need their karaoke, we can just make our own.” Sirius pulled out his phone.

“No, Sirius no. What are you doing?” Regulus tried to pry Sirius’ phone away from him but he kept a death grip on it.

He heard the blaring intro to “Dancing Queen” come out from Sirius’ phone as he skipped away from the table towards the rest of the bar. Regulus dropped his head into his hands.

Sirius then started going around to all the tables with people at them, grabbing at every person while shouting the ABBA lyrics at the top of his lungs.

They got kicked out less than 10 minutes later.

“We don’t need you anyway,” Sirius yelled at the bar front while waving his bag around. “We’ll do just fine without you.”

He tripped over himself and almost fell flat on his face on the pavement.

“Ok, Sirius,” Regulus started as he grabbed onto his brother, hoisting his arm around his neck, “Let’s get you home.”

“Hooommmeee.” Sirius slurred.

“Yes, home.”

Sirius looked lost in thought, “Yeah, I want to go home. I really want to go home.”

“Ok, we can go home.” And Regulus steered them towards the direction of the boys’ shared flat.

Sirius started rambling, “Do you think James will be awake? I wanna talk to James.”

Regulus smiled at the mention of his boyfriend. God, he was grinning like an idiot from hearing his name, what has he become. He kept his response neutral, “I don't know Sirius, it’s late.”

“I bet he’s awake.”

They took a left turn, and a right one a couple blocks later, but Regulus in his alcohol induced daze, lost his sense of direction. Stumbling around in circles for a minute, they tried to make sense of where they were.

Regulus pointed to the right, “I'm pretty sure it’s this way.”

“No, it’s this way” Sirius turned himself to the left.

“No, it’s not.”

Sirius grabbed onto Regulus, “I'm like 99.99% sure we need to go left.”

Regulus glowered at him unamused, “Sirius, we just came from that way.”

“What? No, we did not.” Sirius let go of him and turned back and forth from the left to the right like the street would tell him something.

Regulus fumbled for his phone, ignoring Sirius. “Yes, we did.”

Sirius walked off to the left a bit, then turned around to walk back to Regulus, checking to see if it felt right.

Realization dawned on him,“Shitttt, we did come from that way.”

He spun in lazy circles, arms outstretched and swinging his bag, face tilted up at the sky, “Weeeee’rrrreeeee looossssttt.”

“No we’re not, I'm getting directions right now.” Regulus gruffed, annoyed that his fingers weren’t working the way he wanted them to.

Sirius was swaying to a beat in his head, “What’s it matter, it’s hopeless anyways, let’s just sleep here.”

Regulus was trying to focus on his phone, letters zooming in and out of focus as he attempted to type Sirius’ address into Google Maps. Sirius didn’t even make an effort to figure out where they were. Instead, he wandered into the middle of the empty back street and promptly dropped to the ground, laying on his back with his bag next to him.

“Looookk att the skyyyy, it’s so beautiful.”

Regulus was still struggling, he had made zero progress.

Sirius tried again, “Regggiiieee, come lay in the road with me.”

Regulus finally looked up to see what he was doing, not rattled in the slightest to see him relaxed on the pavement. “i- im trying- direc-, yeah alright.”

He caved and walked over to his brother, pocketing his phone as he took a spot next to him. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as one would assume, it was actually strangely pleasant. The road was still warm from retaining sunlight during the day and it relaxed his body. He wasn’t worried about cars, the road was hardly trafficked and it was the middle of the night, so he enjoyed his time next to Sirius, taking it all in.

He stared at the nighttime sky unmarred by clouds and traced the constellations he could see. There weren’t many due to the city light pollution but he could still make out the big dipper and a few smaller ones. It made him think of his family. He wondered if Sirius ever thought of him when he saw his star in the sky. Probably not, Regulus was always the one that was into astronomy.

He lost track of how much time they spent laying there next to each other, when Sirius’ voice came out soft next to him.

“Regulus?”

“Yeah?” Neither of them turned their heads, they stayed looking up at the stars.

Sirius practically whispered, “Do you hate me?”

Regulus thought about it for a long time. His mind went over all they had been through, everything their parents put them through. How Sirius used to be his hero when they were young, and he relied on him for everything. How Sirius went away to school and never wanted to be around him as much after that. How the idea of Sirius was fashioned into a weapon to be used against him by his mother and he grew to resent Sirius. How Sirius left him alone and nothing will ever hurt him as much as that did. How Regulus spent his last years in that house hoping and praying for Sirius to come back for him, only for it never to happen. How Regulus got out anyways and it didn’t matter cause he couldn’t even talk to him. How despite it all he knew he still loved his brother.

“No, Sirius, I don't hate you.”

He could hear the audible exhale of relief next to him, “Good, I don't know what I'd do with myself if you hated me.”

Quiet stretched between them once more, the whispered confession still ringing in the air. Regulus didn’t dare ask the question back, he wasn’t equipped to handle Sirius telling him that he hated him. He would live in denial a little longer. Eventually he did end up raising his voice, speaking first for the first time that night.

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?” Sirius’ voice was more assured than it was before, like Regulus’ words had soothed something in him.

“Do you think there’s any hope for us or are we just destined to be the people our parents made us?”

It was Regulus’ turn to wait in the silence and he found that it was much less enjoyable than it usually was. He felt his skin start to crawl as he anticipated Sirius’ response.

“I’m not sure, Reggie,” Regulus turned his head towards him and Sirius did the same, making eye contact.

“I hope we’re more than that. I want to be, that’s got to count for something at least, right?” He tilted his lips up in a half-smile.

Regulus wasn’t sure that counted for anything but he didn’t say that to Sirius.

He half-smiled back, “Yeah.”

They turned their heads back away from each other.

Regulus let his mind roam over what Sirius said. No matter how far away he got from his parents, how much time it’d been since he’d been around them, he didn’t think he’d ever be rid of them. Not fully. He was scarred by them, by her, in more ways than one. Even in the best of times, he could still feel her, burrowed deep, clawing at his soul. At the worst of them all he could see when he looked at himself was a warped version of his mother staring back at him. All he wanted to do was erase her. But he couldn’t.

A snore brought him back to the present. He looked over to see Sirius fully asleep. Shit.

“Sirius,” He tapped his shoulder, “Sirius.”

Nothing.

He started lightly slapping his face repeatedly, “Sirius, you gotta wake up, Sirius. We can’t sleep here.”

Sirius stirred.

Regulus slapped a little harder, “Sirius, wake up!”

“Stop that, stop it.” Sirius woke up all the way and swatted Regulus’ hand away, “Everyone’s always trying to wake me up so rudely.”

Regulus ignored the comment, he had no idea what he was talking about but at least Sirius was awake. He pulled himself to his knees and helped Sirius up, grabbing his bag and shoving it on Sirius’ shoulder.

“Come on, let’s go.” He started walking to the right, deciding to just go off intuition and hope they made it. It was the best he could do.

Approximately 5 minutes into walking again, Sirius randomly started shouting, “Dannncccinnnggg quueeenn!”

Regulus groaned.

“Young and sweet! Only 17!”

He went on like that, horribly out of tune, screeching the same three lines over and over. He could only hope they make it back soon. Thankfully, Regulus started to really recognize the area they were in. They’d reach the apartment in another 5 minutes. It was a miracle.

When they got within earshot of any apartments Regulus shushed him, “Be quiet,” He hissed, “People are trying to sleep.”

Sirius for his part, quieted down immediately, only lowly uttering the words under his breath. Regulus should’ve told him to shut up when he first began, the walk would’ve been much more peaceful.

They reached the door and stood there.

Sirius leant in to whisper in his ear, Regulus did his best not to recoil, “What are we waiting for?”

Regulus leaned away from him and said, “Keys, Sirius, keys. We need to unlock the door.”

“Oh right, keys,” He fished into a pocket on his bag, searching with his hand for a few seconds before he pulled them out triumphantly.

Regulus took the keys from Sirius as he was useless and could hardly hold himself up, let alone actually unlock a door.

They pushed inside, Regulus physically guiding Sirius’ legs in the direction they needed to go. The pair of them were stumbling, Sirius still singing ABBA with his arm around Regulus’ neck for support. They made it all the way through the doorway when Regulus looked up and found a very, very confused James sitting at the counter with a laptop open in front of him.

“Jammmeeeeessiiiieee, you’re awake!” Sirius slurred in much too loud a voice for how late it was, all notion of being quiet forgotten. He turned his face into Regulus’ ear practically shouting, “See, I was right, told you he was awake.”

James still looked confused. Many emotions flickered through his face, “Uh- hello, Sirius, are you alright?”

Sirius held up free hand to make the ‘ok’ symbol and used his other arm that was still wrapped around Regulus to tap his shoulder, “Wonderful. Reggie and I looked at the stars. Shame about the karaoke though.”

James raised his eyebrows at Regulus, “Um,”

“Can you help me get him into bed? My back’s about to give out.” Regulus was barely standing and he was really over the whole carrying Sirius thing.

“Oh, right- sure, definitely.” James quickly stood up and moved to pull Sirius’ other arm over his shoulder and they walked him to his room. Sirius practically fell onto the bed once they were in range of the mattress, and Regulus and James removed his shoes and socks. They peeled off his sticky clothes and tried to get him into a pair of shorts but it was impossible so they left him in his boxers and shoved him under the covers.

Regulus left the room first, James following as he pulled the door shut behind him. Sirius was already snoring.

They made it all the way back to the main room before Regulus turned and threw himself at James, wrapping his arms around him. He was so unbearably happy to see James, he still had trouble wrapping his head around the fact that someone could make him feel like that all of the time.

“Oh hello,” James smiled as he clutched onto Regulus in turn, “Nice to see you too.”

He leaned up to kiss him but James pulled back after a couple seconds. Regulus pouted.

“As much as I would love to just stand here and kiss you forever, you are very drunk,” Regulus rolled his eyes at his boyfriend as he kept talking, “And not that I'm not glad to see you but what the fuck was that?”

Regulus shrugged, “Sirius and I got drunk together.” He then yawned, suddenly very sleepy, and rested his head on James’ shoulder.

“I can see that but when, where, how, why? Give me something here.” He was practically pleading for details but Regulus was too exhausted.

Regulus’ eyes fluttered closed and he muttered, “Can I tell you in the morning, I'm so tired.”

James relented, “Yeah, yeah, tell me in the morning.”

Clarity washed over him and Regulus tried to pull away, “I gotta go home.”

“Oh no you don’t,” James wrapped his arms tighter around him and whispered, “You’re not going anywhere, sleep here tonight.”

“But Sirius-”

“Sirius sleeps like the dead, he won’t know. I’ll wake you up before he gets out of bed.”

Regulus paused and considered this. “Fine. But I'm sleeping on the couch just in case.”

James laughed, “Ok. Let’s get you a change of clothes first.”

Regulus nodded and let himself be dragged to James’ room. James helped him sit on the bed and then went to his closet to pick out a change of clothes; an oversized t-shirt and gray sweatpants. He returned to find Regulus turned on his side, half off the edge of the bed, curled into a ball.

He grabbed onto Regulus, “Up, come on, let’s get you changed. Then you can go back to sleep.”

Regulus blinked at him but sat up. Instead of pulling his shirt off though, he just held his arms straight up, waiting for James to do it for him.

James smirked when he realized what was going on, “so needy,” and pulled his shirt off.

Regulus smiled.

Once James finished helping him out of the rest of his clothes and into the fresh ones he looked at him.

“Are you sure you don’t want to sleep in here?” Regulus looked wistfully at the large, comfy bed but turned back to James and motioned for him to help him up.

“No, couch is fine.”

James shook his head fondly, “Alright then,” and they left the bedroom together.

Regulus took less than 2 seconds to plop down on the couch, immediately grabbing a pillow to snuggle his head on. James grabbed him a blanket and laid it over him, making sure it didn’t cover his face. He leaned in to kiss Regulus’ forehead and when he pulled away, Regulus grabbed his wrist.

“Stay with me. Pleaaasseee.”

James chuckled, and ruffled his boyfriend’s hair, “I have to finish some work. I’ll come join you when I'm done.”

Regulus pouted but accepted it, he was too drunk to object anyways. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

He smiled and closed his eyes once again, happy with that answer and James walked back to his laptop to continue working.

Regulus succumbed to the sensation of sleep and let it drag his consciousness far away.

When he awoke, it was to the feeling of a warm body under him and tender fingers slowly combing through his hair.

“Mmhmm, that feels nice,” he mumbled as he slowly opened his eyes and gained his bearings; He was laying in James’ bed, on his chest, in his bedroom. His head throbbed slightly. The previous night’s events came back to him and he quickly processed where he was. He shot up frantically and looked around.

“Sirius?” He looked at James.

James just held his arms out to guide Regulus back to laying on his chest and said, “He’s still asleep, it’s early.”

Regulus relaxed a bit and laid back down, but he was still on edge over being there with James while Sirius was so close by.

“How early?” He asked.

“7:30ish. I promise you, Sirius will not wake up before at least 11.”

“Yeah ok, fine.” and Regulus fully relaxed. They stayed that way for a few minutes, James went back to stroking Regulus’ hair while Regulus drew little patterns on James’ chest. Eventually, Regulus sat up so that he was level with James against the headboard and looked at him while raising an eyebrow.

“I thought I decided to sleep on the couch.”

James smiled sheepishly, “You did. But then you looked so uncomfortable, and there wasn’t enough room for me and I promised you I'd cuddle with you, so when I finished my work I carried you in here.”

Regulus didn’t think about how hot it was that James literally carried him to the bed. Nope, not all. Instead he asked James, “What were you working on?”

“Just an essay for one of my classes.”

“What time did you finish?” Regulus was now concerned about James’ sleep schedule.

“Around 3:30.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

“Yes. I did in fact sleep.” He tilted his head, “for about 3 hours.”

“James,” Regulus replied admonishingly.

“What? It’s not like I can help it. I had to finish the essay and then I just naturally woke up at 7. I'll probably have a nap at some point today.”

Regulus couldn’t go after him too hard without being a complete hypocrite, but he was still worried about him. James was going to wear himself too thin if he wasn’t taking care of himself.

“I know, I know, but you need sleep. You’re killing your brain.” Regulus told him and James nodded. “At least try to go to bed earlier, maybe take some melatonin.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I will. Try that is.” They were playing with each other’s hands as they spoke. “It’s just that my brain is so awake at night while the rest of the world is quiet. It’s like it just lights up about every little thing I need to do and it’s so fun being able to completely focus on them because I have no distractions. Well, besides my own self, which is actually very distracting but that contributes to the problem. It’s distracting so it keeps me up longer. Half the time I don't even realize it’s late at all.”

Regulus just nods along while continuing with their hands.

James adds an afterthought, “And melatonin makes me foggy. I hate it.”

“I get it, it’s like your ‘you’ time, I wouldn’t want to give it up either.”

“Yeah, it’s my ‘me’ time.”

Regulus looked up and met James’ eyes, “But you still need sleep. You’re not taking care of yourself.”

James let out a breath, “Yeah, I know.”

Regulus brought a hand up to James’ face and tucked a strand of hair behind his ears. “Ok, so maybe a compromise. You could set an alarm for a specific time you need to go to bed, or make sure you have time to sleep in in the mornings, just something ok?”

Regulus left his hand there for a second. James leaned into the touch and responded, “Yeah, ok.”

“Good,” he brought down his hand.

James started again, “Now about last night…” He looked antsy, and anxious and Regulus had no doubt in his mind that James was churning through all the different possibilities of what happened all night long.

“You go first,” He told James.

James blanked, “what do you mean I go first?”

“I know you have probably a million questions and a tirade of things you’re just dying to say but are holding your tongue. So go ahead.” Regulus made a beckoning hand gesture, “Say everything, get it all out, and I'll answer everything I can afterwards.”

“Oh, Thank God,” James looked so relieved at the words, he grabbed Regulus’ face and kissed him quickly before immediately delving into a speedy, anxious rant.

“Ok, like what the fuck? I was not expecting any of that. Any of that. First of all, I haven't seen Sirius in a week. Over a week actually, because he’s been tactfully avoiding everyone since his fight with Remus. He hasn’t even slept here most of the time and I've been so worried about him. He wouldn’t answer my messages, pick up my calls, nothing. Nothing at all, I had half a mind to just think he was dead.” He closed his eyes abruptly and scrunched his face before backtracking, “No, nope, I didn't say that. Forget that, that wasn’t a funny joke.

“I just ugh- I swear to god he’s so dramatic. I mean not talking to Remus is one thing, a frustrating thing, but understandable. How is Remus by the way?” He looked at Regulus for an answer but then held up a hand, “Nevermind don’t answer that. Well don’t answer that right now. When I'm done. Then you can answer that.

“Anyways,” He shook his head from the detour and kept going, “Yeah, sure, don’t talk to Remus. But me? Me? I’m his best friend. He’s supposed to talk to me about everything. We always tell each other everything. Well, not everything,” He gestured to the two of them, “But still. A whole 9 days of radio silence and then he comes strolling in last night, drunk off his ass singing ABBA with you. You who he does not talk to. Who he is for all intents and purposes estranged from-- sorry.” He winced at Regulus but he just waved him on, “Right. Yeah. Like what the fuck? How did that happen?

“Did you guys plan to meet up? Was it spontaneous? Accidental? Did you guys fight? Have a good time? I thought you guys didn’t like each other- or not not like each other, but like weren’t talking. Did you talk about me? Does he know about us? I would assume not from your reaction and the fact that he didn’t storm in the apartment trying to murder me. Which is a good thing. Or maybe not a good thing? Are you guys hanging out now? Are you friends? Am I going to have to get used to seeing you two together? Because if so, I'm gonna need a moment.” He ran his hands through his hair and quieted for a moment. Regulus could tell he wasn’t done though so he just waited.

“I don’t know what to think about that. Obviously, I'm very happy that you two are hanging out together. Or you hung out. Or whatever the fuck last night was. It doesn’t matter. It’s just that it happened so out of the blue that I haven't processed it.” James was slowing down a bit, the words no longer coming a mile a minute, “I also am not used to seeing you two in the same context, my mind has gotten accustomed to you guys in different boxes of my life. You’re in the boyfriend box that’s on one side of my brain and all the way on the other side is where Sirius is, in another box. They don’t interact. Shit, I’m gonna need new boxes if this is going to be a regular occurrence. I think it might be a lot harder to pretend I'm not always dying to touch you if it’s going to be a regular occurrence. Is it going to be a regular occurrence?” He took a deep inhale and exhaled and then looked at Regulus for an answer.

“Are you finished? All done?” Regulus asked, wanting to make sure before moving on.

James agreed, “Yeah, I'm done. At least until I have some answers to work with. Thank you, I needed that.”

Regulus smiled at him, “Of course, anytime. You ready now?”

“Ready.”

“Alright, what’s easy to answer? Remus is ok. Not great, not horrible, still angry I think, I'm not entirely sure, he doesn’t talk much about it. Having him as a roommate is actually not the worst thing ever, except he keeps eating all my food. He’s insatiable, I swear. He saw Gideon again sometime last week and that seemed to go well but he’s very much avoiding anything Sirius related in conversation.”

“That tracks.” James nodded his head like he expected nothing less from his friend.

“”Yeah. Now for last night. Sirius texted me out of nowhere basically asking if I wanted to get drunk with him. Speaking of, did you give him my number? Because I sure as hell didn’t give it to him and I don't think Remus would’ve.” Regulus found this part of the conversation was easy to talk about. It was more of a factual recount than anything emotional, he would put off getting into that for as long as possible.

James rubbed the back of his head, “I uh- yeah I might’ve done that, yeah. I said I stole it from remus’ phone to give to him just in case he ever wanted to reach out. Evidently, he saved it.”

He looked up at Regulus, “Are you mad at me?”

Regulus shook his head, “No, I'm not mad at you, I assumed as much. A heads up would’ve been nice though.”

“Yeah, my bad, I wasn't sure how you’d react, I should’ve told you.” He looked apologetic but Regulus wasn’t fussed over it, it wasn’t worth his time.

“It's alright.” He moved on, “Anyway, the message was fairly self-deprecating and it’s quite clear that he is not coping well with everything, I don't think he’s coping at all really, I think he’s been drinking a lot.”

James immediately looked downcast, like the weight of the world had settled on his shoulders.

Regulus tilted James’ head back up to look at him, “Hey, not your fault, not your responsibility.”

James glanced off and avoided eye contact.

“No, James, look at me.” He reluctantly turned his eyes to meet Regulus’, “I need you to hear this, ok?”

He looked for recognition from James and received a nod so he spoke again, “You are not responsible for other people’s actions. As much as you try to convince yourself you are, you’re not. You can care about people, love them, try to help them, all those things, that’s great. It’s one of the many things you’re amazing at doing. But at the end of the day people make their own choices and have to live with the consequences. You are not at fault for any of the repercussions. Any of them. Don’t put that weight on yourself, it’ll crush you.”

It really shouldn’t be so easy for Regulus to say these things to James. They had been dating for too short a time to warrant the comfort and ease that had developed between the two. But it was easy. So easy. It shocked Regulus whenever he stopped long enough to think about it. He had never been able to so freely say what he was thinking as he did with James. He had tried to keep his walls up, he really had. But stupid James weaseled his way in despite his best efforts. He weaseled in and made Regulus feel so safe that the walls came crumbling down without him even knowing it. It was embarrassing how quickly he softened around James. Nobody else was allowed to see it happen lest he die from sheer mortification.

But despite all his reservations about being too close with James, he was here saying those things because James desperately needed to hear them. James would gladly slit his own throat if it meant his friends could be happy. He had a tendency to do that. Not the slitting of throats part, but selflessly ignoring his own needs because he was too caught up in taking care of everyone else. It was alright though, because Regulus was a selfish person and there was a very limited list of people that he cared enough to take care of. James was on it. So he would sit there and say the words over and over again if James needed it. Because Regulus would gladly be the one to take care of the boy he was falling in love with when he was too preoccupied to do it himself.

He finished with, “It’ll crush you and that’s not ok because you have your own life to live.”

James took a deep inhale and kept his eye contact with Regulus, “I know.”

“You’re too selfless for your own good.”

James agreed and exhaled, “I know.”

“Help me?” James added a second later.

“Help you what?”

It stunned Regulus how easily James could ask for help. Just like that. He wondered what it felt like to be raised in a home where asking for help was encouraged instead of looked down on. How different his life might be if he had learned how to say those two little words. How different he might be.

Another exhale, “Help me remember how to be selfish.”

He lightly smiled, “Yes, James, of course I'll help you be selfish.”

“Thank you,” He said seriously before a mischievous grin took over his face. It did not bode well for Regulus. “Now, don’t think I don't know what you’re doing.”

Regulus treaded carefully, “What am I doing?” He asked hesitantly.

James slowly inched closer to him, “Don’t play dumb.”

“James,” he said warily, he was getting increasingly worried about the position of his boyfriend’s menacingly playful hands, “James, don’t.”

He had the audacity to look like he didn’t know what Regulus was talking about, “What do you mean? Don’t what?”

“James,” He hissed while trying to grab his hands. It was a useless endeavor as James kept moving them out of his grasp. “James, for the love of God, don’t-- ah!”

It was too late. James pounced, leaning over Regulus and started tickling him everywhere.

“Sorry, what was that?” James wheezed while his boyfriend spasmed under him trying to get free.

“Ah!” Regulus laughed again, “No, stop it. Stop it. Stop tickling me!”

They warred for a couple minutes, James laughing as he found all Regulus’ most ticklish spots, and Regulus attempting to push his hands off in between fits of giggles and laughter.

“You think I wouldn't notice you trying to distract me from your problems by talking about mine.” James said playfully as he kept going.

“I wasn’t doing that,” Regulus choked out, out of breath from trying to squirm out from under James.

James wasn’t convinced, “Uh-huh sure.”

“I wasn’t,” Regulus tried to sound convincing, but well he was. Using James’ problems to avoid his own that is. Not intentionally or maliciously, but he did like the focus being taken away from him.

James just tickled him harder and Regulus couldn’t take it anymore.

“Alright! Alright!” He half yelled, “Stop! Stop it! I'll talk.”

James stilled and backed up off Regulus, smiling wide, “Wonderful.”

Regulus rolled his eyes and readjusted himself, “I should break up with you for that.”

“You wouldn’t,” James gasped while he clutched his imaginary pearls, mock offended.

“I should,” Regulus tutted back, only half joking, “You can’t just tickle everyone until they give you what you want.”

But James cooed at him, “Why wouldn't I, when it works so well.”

Regulus crossed his arms and leaned away, a pissy look on his face.

“Now, now,” James lightly scolded, waving a finger in his face, “Someone promised to talk.”

Regulus stayed silent, not looking at him.

“Shall we go for round two, then?” James reached out his hand, threatening to start tickling Regulus again.

Regulus' eyes immediately snapped to the hand and he grabbed it, holding it away from him, “No.”

“Didn’t think so,” James looked smug, “The floor is yours.”

Regulus huffed, “Fine.”

And so he talked. He told James everything. How he got the text, how he showed up to the bar. His and Sirius’ tentative conversations. Him apparently needing to come out to Sirius. Their fight. How they moved on from it. Some of the things he learned about Sirius, including his undying love for karaoke and how it got them kicked out of the bar. He left out their conversation on the road. He gave broad generalities but kept the details for himself. Those were his. His and Sirius’.

Throughout it all, James stayed quiet and listened, hanging onto his every word. When he was done James gave him a moment to relax before asking, “How do you feel?”

That was the real question wasn’t it. How did he feel? What was going to happen now?

“I don’t know,” He started, “it’s- it’s a lot.”

James nodded, “Sounds like it was quite the night. Let’s start with this, what are you thinking right now?”

Regulus thought about it for a moment. What was he thinking?

He looked down and cringed as the words came out, “That I don't think I want to be here when he wakes up. Does that make me a bad person?”

James shook his head rapidly, “Not at all. You need time, there’s nothing wrong with that. I can guarantee you he needs time to process everything as well.”

Regulus tentatively accepted the words, not fully believing them. “I don’t- what do we do now?”

James pulled him into his chest again, “That’s up to you and Sirius. Unfortunately, I can't answer that one for you.”

“Ugh, why not?” Regulus groaned, muffled by where his face pressed into James.

James chuckled as he ran his hands over Regulus’ back, “That’s not how it works, some things you have to figure out yourself.”

“It’s rude and unfair.” Regulus was moping at this point.

James clicked his tongue, “Sorry, love.”

“You should be.”

They stayed curled up together after that, not talking, just enjoying each other’s company and wrestling for control while cuddling. Basking in their contained bubble of happiness until an alarm went off, letting them know it was 8:30. James quickly reached to turn it off.

Regulus pushed himself up off James, “I should go, I have a lecture soon.”

James sighed but acquiesced, “Ok.”

He sat up fully as Regulus got up and grabbed his phone, ordering an uber - he did not feel like walking. Regulus walked over to the closet and stole a pair of socks, then sat down on the edge of the bed to put his shoes on. James crawled up behind him, tucking his arms around his boyfriend’s waist and nestling his face into his shoulder, softly mumbling as he placed kisses into his skin, “Are you free later tonight?”

“Depends,” Regulus teased, “What’s in it for me?”

“Quality time,” James said slowly as he moved his mouth up the side of his neck, “With your lovely boyfriend who you cherish and adore.”

“Hmm,” Regulus thought about it, tilting his head to give James more access, “I don't know, I might need more… convincing.”

James moved up to his jaw and near his mouth, forcing Regulus to turn his head towards him. He whispered against his lips, “I can be convincing,” and then connected them in a searing kiss.

“Mmmm,” The sound was ripped out of Regulus, he would never get used to this. The warmth, the comfort, the inexplicable feeling of coming home when they were pressed together. Regulus turned his body further into James, and brought a hand up to his hair, pushing through the messy mop of curls. They kissed longly and languidly, deep and all-consuming. They got lost in it, forgetting everything around them. The rest of the world fell away and all they were left with was each other. It was more than enough.

A notification dinged from Regulus’ phone, his uber had arrived.

James groaned petulantly when they were forced to break apart. Regulus stood up, picking up his dirty clothes from their pile in the corner and walked to the door. He called over his shoulder, “7 pm?”

James sounded mildly flustered, “Yeah. Great. 7 works.”

“Perfect,” He pulled the door open.

James’ voice rang out before he could get into the hallway, “Am I ever getting my clothes back?”

The question made him turn back to glance at James as he smugly replied, “No.” And then walked away.

He could hear James laugh under his breath as he shut the door behind him.

Regulus left the apartment quietly, stealing a glimpse at Sirius’ closed bedroom door as he went. A strange feeling filled his stomach, worry and fear mixed with excitement and relief. As he climbed into the back seat of his ride he went through all his thoughts about his brother, pondering his options.

He pulled out his phone, opened his messages and saved Sirius’ number as a new contact. He still wasn’t sure how to approach the whole situation nor did he know what he even wanted out of it, but he could save Sirius’ number.

Yeah, he could at least do that.