Study Buddies
“Oh, motherfucking shit.”
Lily swore as she looked down at her shirt where a few drops of milk had spilled from her cereal. “Of course I had to go and get it on my fucking shirt, damn it. Ugh, I really liked this shirt too. Stupid, stupid, stupid, My god,” she kept rambling as she furiously tried to get the stain out. “Fuck it’s not coming out, why did I have to go and do that, today of all days, god Lily you’re such a clutz, can’t even eat one bowl of cereal -” She stopped herself when she glanced up and saw Mary looking at her with an amused but slightly concerned expression.
The silence stretched on for an uncomfortable amount of time.
“Hey,” She finally uttered in a much calmer manner than she had just seconds ago.
“Hey,” Mary repeated back. “Rough morning? You uh- were really going off there. Everything alright?”
The conversation was awkward. The air jilted. Lily hated it.
“Yeah, yeah, no I'm fine, I was just stupid and got milk on my shirt,” She explained, “And I guess I just got a bit carried away is all.”
“Uh-huh.” Mary gave an appraising look. “Well don’t worry about it, you can’t even see it. You look fine.”
Lily gave a tight nod.
“You look good,” Mary added and Lily cringed internally.
“Thanks.” Gods why was this so painful.
“You uh- look good too.” She blurted as well, sounding very much like a forced afterthought and not at all like a compliment.
“Right, thanks,” Mary accepted and turned away, finally sitting down to eat her own food.
Lily checked her phone, in desperate need of a distraction.
“Shit, Shit, Shit,” she shouted when she realized the time.
It was 11:05.
She was supposed to meet Reg and Remus at the library at 11am and she hadn’t even left her apartment yet. She ran around quickly gathering everything else she needed, throwing on her shoes as she rushed out the door, and took off towards the library.
She was going to get so much shit for this. There was no way in hell Regulus and Remus would let it go. No chance. Not when it was usually her that was a stickler for punctuality and was always getting after everyone for wasting her time.
Oh well, it was better than staying in that cramped apartment, avoiding Mary while also trying not to act like she was avoiding Mary. What the hell was that conversation anyways.
“Ugggghhhhh,” She let out a loud, frustrated groan. A few people walking nearby gave her strange looks and then not very discreetly stepped further away from her.
Why did everything have to be so bloody difficult. She just wanted her best friend back. She was sick and tired of the weirdness between the two. She couldn’t handle it anymore, ever since August things had been a mess. And they were locked in that bloody lease for 10 more months. She wanted to tear her hair out. She hated it.
She reached the doors of the library and yanked them open, letting the rush of air rustle her auburn hair.
11:14am.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
She quickly found the two boys sitting at the usual table in the back. It was pushed up close to a large, glass wall that overlooked the courtyard. It was a gorgeous view. The three of them had become a sort of study group back in her and Remus’s sophomore year and Regulus’ first. They all happened to be in the same gender studies class and were paired on a project together that they had to work on outside of class. They chose that library table to work on it. It was Regulus’ idea, he’s a sucker for a pretty view.
They got along well, and quickly realized that they had a lot in common so they kept meeting up as a “study group” frequently after that even though they hardly shared any other classes.
She slid into her seat and was met with 2 sets of unimpressed stares. Here it comes.
“What the hell happened to you?” Remus.
“Yeah, you look like you just walked through a tornado. Do you not own any mirrors?” Regulus.
“Yikes, and you’re 15 minutes late. You know, Lils, I wouldn't have pegged you as a hypocrite.” Remus.
“Yeah, I don't know if I can align myself with someone who has such a blatant disregard for other people’s time.” Regulus.
“Yeah, does it not bother you that you’ve wasted minutes, valuable minutes, that we could’ve spent elsewhere. It’s really rather rude.” Remus.
“I agree, I mean, I for one would have rather -”
“Alright, alright, I get it,” She interrupted the two of them before they could go any further, “Yes, yes, I'm late, I know, and I look like a mess, I know, now are you guys done or do I need to grant a few more allotted insults for you to get it out of your system?”
They shared a look.
It was Regulus who spoke, “No, we’re done. Thank you, it was much appreciated.”
“Mhm, anytime, Black. So what did I miss?”
She started organizing all her items on the table. Her laptop in front of her, her notebook to the right of her, sitting on top were 3 pilot g2 pens of different colors - she refused to write with anything else. Her keys and a phone charger sat to the left of her laptop, with a pack of gum laying on top of them. Spearmint.
“Oh nothing much, we were just going over the classes we’re taking this semester,” Remus offered while sipping some herbal tea.
She wasn’t sure how he was always able to bring in food and drinks to the library when they weren’t allowed but he always had something with him to snack on.
“Nice, either of you taking anything fun?” She asked.
Regulus lit up, “Yeah I'm registered for a tradition and development across South East Asia class that I'm really excited for, along with a few others.”
He was an anthropology major. If you didn’t know Regulus you’d be absolutely stunned to find that out. Lily was stunned when she found that out. But if you knew him, as she’s come to, it’s really not surprising. He has this stony facade and an 'I hate people attitude’ that he keeps up with almost all of the time but underneath all that, she thought that he was very soft and had a very childlike inquisitive nature about him. He would probably kill her if he knew that she was thinking that.
“That sounds interesting, you should keep me updated on what you learn there, I'd like to know.” He gave her a quick nod. She turned her head towards the other boy, “How about you Rem, anything remotely of interest?”
He merely shrugged in response. “Nothing too exciting, just a bunch of policy classes.” He was a poli-sci major.
“Oof, yeah that does sound rather boring,” She teased. Lily herself was studying social work and her semester was filled with behavior and data analysis classes. She was about to say as much when she spotted something out of the corner of her eye.
“Is that a hickey?” She stared at Regulus, where there was in fact a dark bruise on the base of his neck, poking out just above his shirt.
Regulus’ hand immediately flew up to cover the mark as he denied it, “No.”
She tore his hand away and moved his shirt uncovering the rest of the spot, “Yep, definitely a hickey.”
She let go and leaned back in her chair and muttered, “Damn, James moves fast.” Remus let out a loud laugh.
Regulus shushed him and rolled his eyes, declining to comment on the matter.
Remus, never one to not take advantage of an opportunity continued, “Soooo, I take it you guys had a nice reunion?”
“Oh, shut up.” Regulus was not amused.
“No, no,” Lily countered, "I think we’re all very interested in this. Did you misssss himmm? Were you so excited to seeeee himm?”
Regulus blushed but stayed silent.
“Awwww, Reggie, look at how adorable you are, getting all flustered over a boy. James, no less.” Remus was relentless.
But Regulus could only go so long without getting retribution so he taunted, "It was quite nice actually, How’s Sirius? Did you two have a nice time together too or, oh wait, no, I forgot, you’re still hopelessly pining for him. Hmm. How sad.”
Remus was no longer laughing.
It was no secret that Remus had been practically in love with Sirius since long before the three of them had met. Well, no secret to anyone except Sirius himself, anyways. It was a mystery as to how someone could be so oblivious.
But this was no longer Lily’s concern at the moment. The mention of a pining best friend reminded her of her own problems with her friends.
“Ugh, don’t talk about it, can we talk about something else,” She pleaded as she dropped her head on top of the desk and squeezed her eyes shut for a second before reopening them and rolling her head to the side, looking at them with a pained expression.
Regulus and Remus shared another look. They were really good with those, it was almost creepy.
“Mary drama still?” Remus asked.
“Yes, still. We had such an awkward conversation this morning.” The boys looked at her seriously and readjusted in their chairs so they were comfortable, they were well aware that a rant was coming.
“She came into the kitchen in the middle of me yelling at myself for ruining my shirt and then I saw her and stopped talking, but she didn’t say anything, so I just stupidly was like, ‘hey’. And then she asked what was wrong so I explained the situation and then she was like ‘it’s fine, your shirt looks fine.’” Lily was gesticulating wildly with her hands as she always did when she got riled up.
“And then-, and then she was like, you look good.” She was basically conducting an orchestra at this point, but she just really needed to get it out. “And what am I supposed to say to that? I don't know, it was nice. Like it was nice for her to compliment me I guess, but it was so uncomfortable. So I just kind of cringed and said thank you. And then like five seconds later I said ‘you look good too.’”
Regulus and Remus both winced.
She resigned herself, dramatically throwing her arms down.
“I knowwww. It was soo bad. But, like, I panicked. I know it probably sounded so disingenuous, even though I did mean it. But like she looked good in an objective way, you know, but then I was worried that if I said that she looked good that it would be misleading, and I didn't want that, but then I felt bad not saying anything back, so yeah, I made it like 10 times worse.”
She threw her head back down on the desk, lightly banging it over and over.
“God, I wish I could just go back to that party and have it never happen. Why did I decide that I needed to get drunk and then make out with my best friend? Whose brilliant idea was that? See, this is why I need you two there because you’ll stop me from doing stupid shit like that. So really this is all your fault.”
“Hey!” Remus and Regulus exclaimed in unison.
“Don’t blame us when you’re the one that decided to mess around when she had a crush on you.” Remus protested.
“I didn’t know! I didn’t know she had a crush on me. That’s what makes this situation even worse. Not only is it awkward that she confessed that she had feelings and I told her I didn't, but I also feel super bad because I was the one that initiated it. I thought it was just a drunken snog, I make out with all my friends like that when I'm drunk. Hell, I mean, I’ve made out with both of you while intoxicated and you guys are as gay as the day is long.” She was back to throwing her arms around again.
“I didn’t mean anything by it. And I definitely wouldn’t have done it if I knew she had a crush on me. That’s just cruel. I’d like to think that she knows that I didn't know. But I don't know. Maybe she just thinks I'm a huge asshole. I feel like a huge asshole.” She rubbed her hands over her face before she kept going.
“But I'm also just tired of this. Second guessing our friendship and panicking over every little thing I do, trying to make sure it doesn’t come across weird or with mixed signals, you know. It’s exhausting. I’m so tired. I’m so tired and I just want my best friend back. And I don't know what to do.” Lily finally finished and leaned back against her chair looking towards the boys for support.
“That’s rough Lily, I'm sorry,” Remus voiced after a minute.
“Yeah, that sucks. Have you considered moving, shaving your head, and changing your name so you never have to deal with her again?” Regulus remarked.
Lily shot him a look. “That’s not funny or helpful, Black.”
“I didn’t mean it as a joke, that’s exactly what I would do if I was in your situation. Minus the shaving the head part, I'd be nothing without my curls.” Regulus said with a completely straight face.
Against her best efforts, Lily cracked a smile. She looked up at the two of them and saw them smiling too. A small chuckle escaped her lips. And then another one. Pretty soon she was outright laughing her head off and the boys had joined her.
They stayed like that for far too long, probably pissing off everyone else in the library but they couldn’t be bothered to care. Here they were, three unlikely friends, off the rails, cackling at how fucked Lily’s friendship was. It was amazing.
Eventually the laughter slowed to a stop and Lily wiped the tears from her face as she caught her breath.
“Oh god, thanks. I needed that.” She let out on a deep exhale.
“Anytime, Lils.” Remus responded, a small smile still plastered on his face.
It’s funny. They advertise this as a ‘study group’ to everyone and everyone calls them swots for it but in actuality at least 75% of whatever time they share together is just used as rant, secret sharing, or meddling time. And no one ever knows. It’s perfect.
“Hey Lily, I noticed something a little peculiar at the party yesterday and wanted to know what you knew about it.” Regulus asked after a moment of silence.
“Ooohh, What is it? Tell me, tell me, is it juicy?” Lily was practically jumping up and down in her seat in anticipation. Remus was equally excited, he was just better at masking it.
“It’s nothing much, I just saw Dorcas practically devouring Marlene with her eyes. Know anything about that?”
“Dorcas Meadowes. Your friend Dorcas? And Marlene? Lily’s Marlene?” Remus questioned disbelieving.
“Oh my god, no way. Oh Dorcas is like the epitome of her type. They’d be so good together.” Lily was already formulating a plan in her head. One look at Regulus and Remus told her they were doing the exact same.
“Ok, so how are we playing this?” Remus prompted. “Are we going full interference or are we just going to sit back and watch the movie unfold?”
“No, please, I can't do any more of that. I’m barely hanging on between Barty and Evan and you and Sirius. Can we please meddle? Please? They’ll never get their shit together otherwise.” Regulus made a fair point. “Honestly, how did I become the only one smart enough to get it sorted out?”
Lily and Remus’ laughter came instantaneously.
“Uh, Reg, hate to break it to you but I don’t think spontaneously fucking James at a charity event because he pissed you off counts as a good example of ‘figuring your shit out.’” Remus enunciated those last words with air quotes. “You guys didn’t talk for months about what was happening. If it wasn’t for me and Lils practically forcing you to say something at all, you’d still be lost.”
“Yeah, well we still figured it out didn’t we?” Regulus protested. “He’s my boyfriend now - which we did all on our own, thank you very much - and regardless, it’s still worlds better than you or Red.”
“Ooh, boyfriend?” Lily exclaimed. “You bagged him officially, nice. Very well done, congratulations are in order.” She said as she gave him a round of applause.
Regulus played along and gave a few small bows in his chair, pretending to thank ‘the audience’.
“Oh no, you guys are official now?” Remus groaned. “James is going to be insufferable to live with, the lovesick fool. Between him and Sirius, I'm not sure I'm going to last the year. Fuck you for that.”
Lily was quick with the retort, “Sorry, no can do, that’s James’ job.”
Regulus and Lily shared a high five without looking, the pair of them grinning at Remus while he made a face.
“Ok, ok, back to business, I agree with Regulus, we should meddle. For sure.” Lily was more than willing to get overly invested in her friends’ love lives.
Remus cautiously accepted, torn between feeling bad for getting involved when it wasn’t really their place and wanting to give into his chaotic tendencies. Although he was mostly still wrapping his head around the idea of Dorcas and Marlene together.
They spent a good long while thinking over when would be best to get them to hang out, and gave each other crash courses on their likes and dislikes. Things they could slyly feed to their friends to help them.
Was it maybe slightly a bit unethical? Probably.
But really all of their friends would be lost without the 3 of them steering them in the right direction. It was harmless anyways, they would drop it immediately if it became apparent that their efforts were misplaced or unwanted.
More time passed after that, their easy banter continued and they spent the majority of it catching up and occasionally doing something to prepare for their classes. They really did like to get ahead and do well in school. The three of them all very much seek out academic validation to an obsessive level. Ah, the wonders of what trauma does to a person.
It was the late afternoon when Remus unhappily announced that he had to leave for work. Lily could relate to the lack of enthusiasm in his voice. She herself was trying to balance working as a waitress down the street at a diner while also interning at a local community development organization. Free time was not something she had in abundant supply.
He bid farewell, with promises to text and told them that he was free to meet on Friday.
When it was just her and Regulus, they sat in comfortable silence for a minute. Lily chewed on her lip and contemplated asking the question that was on her mind but was wary, Regulus could spook if affronted too suddenly and that was the opposite of what she wanted.
She ultimately decided on a lighter question to ease him into talking.
“How was your summer? How was France?”
Regulus shrugged, “Fine, good.”
She gave him a minute, knowing sometimes he just needed time to open up.
“It was strange, you know, being back there. I never really thought that much about going back. It was much different obviously, since I didn't have to deal with my mother or any of my other stuffy relatives, though staying with Andromeda was nice. Did I tell you she has a daughter?” Regulus asked looking up at Lily, a blank expression on his face but she could see the pain he was hiding in his eyes.
“No.” Lily’s voice was soft and low, “I didn't know that. What’s she like?”
“Yeah, Nymphadora, but everyone calls her Dora. She’s turning 5 next year. She’s wonderful really. A little monster, but wonderful. She reminds me a lot of Sirius as a kid.” And there it was, they were encroaching exactly what Lily had been wanting to get at.
“She’s so headstrong and bold, just like him. Andromeda was always like that too, it’s definitely where Dora got it from. Sirius probably as well. God knows I could've used some of that, must have just skipped over me.” He spat the words out with a sharp laugh, less composed than she’d seen him in a long time.
“I never thought I'd see her after everything so it was nice to be able to reconnect and be in their lives again.” He took a pause before uttering the last part, “And to get a little piece of him back too.”
Lily only nodded in response, she knew all too well about complicated siblings and the pathetic grasping at straws for any sliver of them.
“How is Sirius, anything good to report there?”
Regulus shook his head, “Nope. I saw him yesterday at the party and picked a fight almost immediately. Remus had to step in and break it up. He makes me so mad, so utterly frustrated that I can’t function around him. I miss him, though. I really, really miss him. Sometimes all I think I’m capable of doing is miss him. Then other times I think that missing the version of him in my head is infinitely better than knowing him in real life. I’m not sure about any of it anymore.”
Lily stayed silent and just gave him a sympathetic look.
Regulus cleared his throat before speaking again, “How about you? You went home for part of the summer didn’t you? Anything good to report or are you looking to wallow and be miserable with me?”
“The latter, definitely the latter.” Lily replied dejectedly, letting out a deep exhale.
Regulus just waited for her as well, knowing she always needed a minute to get her thoughts in order.
“It wasn’t the worst visit I've had so I really can’t complain, I was mostly just lonely.” She could feel the aching tingle at the back of her throat as she began to speak but she forced it back down. She was not going to cry.
“Petunia’s engaged, right,” Lily looked to Regulus and he nodded in recognition so she continued, “Right, so the entire time was just filled with constant wedding jabber and not at all sly comments from my mother asking when I was going to find a man to get married to. That sucked, but you know, I'm used to that bullshit.
“What really got to me was Tuny ignoring me. She barely said a single word to my face the entire time I was there. She still hasn’t forgiven me for not cutting my dad out of my life like she did. And I get it, I get not wanting to talk to him, I'm still mad at him. But what was I supposed to do? He’s still my dad, you know.”
“Yeah, that I definitely get.” Regulus responded.
That was yet another thing that the two had bonded over, all three of them really. Contradictory feelings about shitty parents. Remus couldn’t relate to the siblings aspect as he was an only child but they each had their fair share of fucked up parental figures.
“I want to stay mad at him for cheating on my mom and leaving us. Because it hurt, and he hurt me. But I also get it because I grew up with my mom and I couldn't imagine what it was like being married to her. So as much as I loathe to admit it, I understand the kind of position he was in. I don't agree with what he did and he definitely could’ve handled the situation much, much better,” She emphasized those last two words.
“But people make mistakes. And our parents are people too. I just needed my dad back. He was the only one who ever really got me in that house. It felt so stale without him there.” She shook her head, burying her feelings about her father, not ready to confront them and went back to the topic of her sister, “Anyway, I kept trying to talk to Petunia the whole time, to see if we could figure some stuff out because I really, really miss her, but anytime I'd try to approach her she just acted like I didn't exist and left the room.”
She recapped, “So basically the entire time I was either shunned or berated so it was truly a very lovely time,” always needing to use sarcasm as a poor excuse to cover up her actual heartache.
“Well aren’t we a pair of fucked up, pathetic souls.”
“Yep,” Lily responded, popping the p, “That about sums us up.”
They hardly ever talked about their confession time. Hardly ever needed to. They didn’t need or want solutions, they just needed someone to listen. Someone who understood that sometimes things are just shit and you can’t always fix them. Someone who wouldn’t judge you for being sad and miserable because they were right there with you.
It was a much needed reprieve.
It was a while before either of them spoke again, both recovering from the emotional taxation that came from talking about their more pressing problems.
When they did start talking again, they stuck to light conversation topics, feeling better than they had before they talked but that wasn’t a very impressive benchmark.
Late afternoon faded into early evening and Regulus started getting cagey and fidgety, glancing at his phone every few seconds. That always meant one thing.
“Go, go see him.” Lily spoke up, earning a confused glance from Regulus.
“I can tell you’re itching to be with James, go get your lover boy. It’s fine, I have a ton of work documents that I need to sort through anyways and you’re ruining my peaceful environment.”
Regulus rolled his eyes but started to pack up his things regardless.
“You’re insufferable, has anyone ever told you that, Red?”
Lily just beamed at him, looking like someone just told her she won the lottery, “Aw, Black, I love you too.”
Regulus laughed and stood up from the table, leaning over to give Lily a kiss on the cheek before he walked away. It was a casual intimacy that took years for him to give and she was always very smug that she got to be on the receiving end of such a withheld and coveted gesture.
She let out a sigh once she was alone, staring off into space for a minute before she opened a new window on her laptop, and started filing through the pages and pages of documents that were sent to her.
This was good, this albeit very mindless and tedious task would distract her from being consumed in negative thoughts and anxiety surrounding Mary and her family.
She was about twenty minutes in when a presence in her surroundings caused her to look up.
She was startled at the sight of Pandora right there, staring down at her.
Now, she had known who Pandora was obviously, and had observed her occasionally at a party across a smoke-filled room as she hung around Regulus and the rest of their group. But despite the closeness between Regulus, Remus and herself, their friend groups hardly mixed and never really hung out. All that is to say that Lily had never been as up close and personal with Pandora as she was now.
It was a crime, she decided on the spot.
It was a crime that she had never seen the beauty that was this woman in as fine of detail as she was now.
Lily had always known that Pandora was pretty. It was easy to tell, of course, one would have to be blind not to see it, but she had never known that she had a small dimple on the left side of her face, accenting her gorgeous smile. She had never seen how large her doe eyes were, or how deep blue her eyes were, nor how kind they were. She had never seen her smooth, pale complexion and how it should have drowned her features out when combined with her light blond hair but had instead served to bring out the color in her lips. Her large, soft, pink lips.
“Is Regulus around, I was sure I would find him here?”
The sound of Pandora’s voice startled her out of her quite blatant gawking and she struggled to sputter out a response.
“Um, uh- um, sorry, what?” Clearly her efforts were of little use as she was still floundering like a fish out of water.
Pandora chuckled, there was no way she couldn’t tell what was going on but she was kind enough not to say anything, bless her soul.
“I asked if Regulus was here, he told me he was meeting you and Remus to study, I thought I'd find him here. ” Her voice was sweet and she had a fond smile on her face.
“Oh, right, yes, no, I mean no, he’s not here, he uh- had to go run some errands. He left about a half hour ago.”
“Oh shucks, damn, that ruins my plans,” she sounded slightly upset and Lily didn’t like it.
“I could text him if you want, see where he’s at and tell him you were looking for him,” She offered, hoping it would help.
“Oh that’s ok, I'll just ambush him later, it’s not a big deal. Thank you, darling, for your help. I hope you have a marvelous night undisturbed by the nargles.” With that she winked at Lily, turned around and sauntered away.
Lily stared shamelessly.
Much too late to be appropriate and way too long after Pandora was within earshot, she called out, “Thanks, you too!”
Once Pandora was no longer in her line of sight she turned back to looking at her computer, intent on doing work but instead stayed unmoving as she tried to process what the fuck just happened.
Ok.
One, Pandora showed up to the library looking for Regulus.
Two, Lily realized Pandora was literally hand crafted from the gods and how she ever tried to convince herself she was straight when she was younger is baffling.
Three, Lily lost all sense of dignity and could not even form a simple sentence in her presence.
Silver lining was that thankfully Regulus and Remus weren’t there and didn’t see that trainwreck and she doesn’t have to deal with the shitstorm of mocking that definitely would have come if they had.
Four, although she lost her composure she did manage to not out Regulus and James’ relationship so she doesn’t have to deal with Regulus murdering her, thank god for that.
Five, Pandora called her ‘darling’.
Six, Pandora called her ‘darling’.
What, what on earth. Did she know what she was doing to her? She must have. How could someone just call her darling like that and be completely unphased. Unreal. Truly unreal.
Seven, Pandora winked at her.
Dear lord Pandora winked at her. She spent less than 5 minutes in Pandora’s presence, and already she was trying to kill Lily. it was a miracle she was still standing.
No.
No, this was not happening.
Nope, nope, nope.
She shook her entire body, arms and legs vibrating as she rolled her neck back and forth, ridding whatever the fuck reaction she just had from her body.
She was not going to think about Pandora in any capacity because her life was a mess at it is and she had enough problems to deal with. She was not about to add anything else to the list. She refused to let that happen.
Lily flexed her fingers and returned to her work, letting the monotonous project distract her once again from her pesky thoughts.
Almost an hour later the sound of the intercom blaring overhead warning that the library was closing in 15 minutes led her to finally close down her laptop, pack her things, and exit the building.
She made the walk home, taking a detour to get dinner at one of the shops on campus, and ate it slowly at one of the tables outside.
She wasn’t delusional. She was aware she was avoiding returning to her flat, and even more painfully aware of the reasons why. But even she couldn’t avoid her problems forever and so she dragged herself from the chair, and continued on home, reaching her apartment in a matter of minutes.
She opened the door, set her keys in the bowl on the entryway table and walked inside.
The living room and kitchen were empty and Mary’s door was closed.
She heaved a heavy sigh and went to her room, closing her own door, changing out of her clothes into something more comfortable and plopped on her bed, chest up, staring at the ceiling.
Normally this secluded time at night where it was just her and Mary was used chatting, playing games or watching a movie together while fighting over a bowl of popcorn. It was one of her favorite parts of the day, hardly ever did they not hang out at night.
Well, hardly ever before everything went to shit.
She rolled over onto her stomach, placed her hands on either side of her and pushed herself off the bed. She walked over to her ensuite bathroom and began getting prepared to spend the night alone.
Yeah, it was going to be a long year.
________________________
Mary woke up and immediately wished she didn’t.
She didn’t wish to be dead or anything, she just wished to still be asleep.
Still asleep and not having to turn off her alarm clock.
Still asleep and not having to open her eyes and roll out of bed.
Still asleep and not having to get dressed in front of the mirror and be unhappy with what she sees in the reflection.
Still asleep and not having to deal with the fact that she can’t tell if she wants eggs or toast for breakfast, if she wants to go to class or skip it, if she wants boobs today or not, if she wants to try to talk to Lily or just ignore her.
There are a lot of things that she wishes she was still asleep for so she didn’t have to deal with them.
Are those suicidal thoughts? She can’t tell. She would say no but she’s not entirely sure that other people would agree with her.
It doesn’t really matter anyways because Mary is awake regardless of whether she wants to be or not.
Mary has to turn off her alarm clock, open her eyes, roll out of bed, get dressed and be confused in her own skin.
Mary has to decide that today she’s going to have toast, she’s going to go to class, she’s still not entirely sure that she ever wants boobs and also not entirely sure that she ever doesn’t want boobs, and today she’s going to ignore Lily because what’s the point in trying.
Mary has always felt a lot of things, all of the time, so much that she was frequently begging to be numb, but lately all she feels is lost.
Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. Lost.
Now she feels lost and numb to the world and all she does is beg to feel anything but.
Yeah, be careful what you wish for and all that.
Not that anyone can tell, she carries on with her days acting like she’s perfectly fine. Maybe it’s just that she doesn’t want anyone to know.
Because Mary has always been the kind of person that knows what she wants. She’s the one that has a strong opinion on anything and everything and will argue with anyone and everyone to make sure they know why her opinion is objectively correct. She’s the one who when she makes a plan she follows through. She’s the one who is so confident in herself that nothing and no one could ever touch her.
But that was Mary then. That isn’t Mary now.
Or maybe it still is, she hopes it is. She has no clue what to do if it isn’t.
But that’s why they can’t know. Because who the fuck is Mary if she isn’t those things.
A fraud.
That’s what she feels like anyways.
Because here Mary is and she’s struggling to decide what she wants to eat for breakfast.
It’s ridiculous. And tedious. And annoying. And frustrating. And stupid. So stupid.
And this is why Mary wishes she was asleep.
She’s not entirely sure when she got this way. When she started to feel like she didn't know who she was. She thinks it happened sometime over the summer, sometime when she was alone on campus or at home with family or while Lily was gone or when Lily was back or-
Yeah, she doesn’t really know.
Maybe she’s always been like this and she’s just really good at lying to herself. She doesn’t know. That’s the real problem. That she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything and she was always so good at knowing. What she’s scared of most is never knowing again.
What she does know is that something’s wrong.
She thinks she could be depressed but she doesn’t think she is. Because she can still function like a happy person. She thinks she could have gender dysphoria but doesn’t think she does. Because she’s happy as a woman some of the time and it doesn’t feel like her issues are big enough to be a problem. She thinks she could be in love with her best friend but doesn’t know if she is. Because a lot of the time it’s hard to tell.
Maybe she should talk to someone, but she doesn’t and she won’t because that’s a level of vulnerability she’s never reached.
She knows Lily thinks the distance between them is all due to her unresolved feelings. Yeah, some of it is. She really doesn’t know if she’s in love with Lily. Truthfully, she doesn’t think so. Somewhere, down in her knows that she wants Lily as a friend more than anything else. But that somewhere down in her is easy to ignore when the first thing she notices when she sees Lily is how absolutely stunning she is. When the first thing she feels when she’s with Lily is how safe she is. When she intimately knows what she tastes like, even if it was all in jest.
So yeah, Mary’s unresolved feelings are part of the problem. But she has ignored those for a long time. After all this time she’s a pro at putting those to the side in favor of maintaining the friendship. They’re not what's keeping her from Lily.
To put it simply, what’s really putting space between the two is Mary’s refusal to open up to anyone about anything and her inability to deal with her problems.
Yep.
Pathetic.
Mary still wishes she was asleep.
Usually she can do it. Usually she can go about her day pretending like she’s not questioning everything in her life and isn’t one step away from a breakdown.
Not today.
Today, while she was sitting in a lecture, it officially became too much.
Today apparently, she can’t fool anyone, not even herself.
She’s not sure where it came from or why it was happening then, all she knows is that one second she was fine - well, maybe not fine, but you know, coping, - and the next it felt like every negative thought she’s ever had converged on her all at once. She couldn’t think straight. Could barely breathe.
She clumsily stood up, excusing herself from the lecture and tore down the path back to her apartment, endless thoughts swirling around all the while.
Why. Why was she like this. Why couldn’t she have anything figured out. Why couldn’t she just do something right. Why did she have to hate herself so much. Why didn’t she love herself like she used to.
She wiped the rapidly accumulating tears from her cheek as she unlocked the door but it was of no use as they just kept coming.
She threw her things down on the ground, not caring about the mess she made, and flung herself into her room, sinking down the back wall, phone in hand.
She was 21, having some kind of breakdown and all she could think to do was call her mom.
The phone rang, and rang, and rang.
She used that time to try to quell her sobs and calm her quivering lips.
Her mom finally answered with a cheery, “Hey baby, What’s up?”
Even just the sweet greeting from her mom helped her to calm down. She could do this.
She took a deep, shaking breath, “Hi mom, I think- I think, I need some help.”