EPILOGUE

SIRIUS POV

He can’t be mad. He’s not allowed to be mad.
James has told him so many times. His words are echoing like a constant reminder. Like a reassuring heartbeat:

“Sometimes good people drift away from us. That doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes life harsh and unfair. That’s also the very reason it hurts like a bitch, because they were good people, they were good, and they made life good, and now they aren't around to bring good into life anymore.”

He had not been allowed to be mad at Remus when he had gone ghost on them.
He had thrown tantrums anyways.
He had right out cried at one point and James had told him to stop, because he hadn't been allowed.

The worst part about it had been how steady James had been. Ranting on about giving Remus space and time.
Space and time.
Space and fucking time.

Not allowed to be mad because Remus had been having a rough life. Not allowed to be mad because good people going, doesn't make them bad . Sirius had never been mad because he thought Remus was bad, he had been mad because he had been hurt. He is still hurt. So very hurt. He’s still mad too, but he’s not allowed to be. 

“Sometimes good people drift away from us.”

Remus had not drifted away. Remus had straight up taken his stupid self and walked off. Sirius can’t be mad, though. He’s not allowed to be. 

That is the only reason why he said yes to “becoming friends” with Remus again. It had felt like a kindergarten make-up after a kindergarten fight. 

Except it is not a kindergarten fight.
It is a screwdriver to the spine.
It is water-filled lungs.
It is pain and betrayal, and it felt so stupid, allowing Remus back in.
Well, not back in. Not back in, but still, back to speaking-terms. 

The fact that he wasn't allowed to be mad was the only reason why he had said yes without thinking. It was the only reason. Sirius does not miss Remus anymore.
He doesn't even know the fella anymore.
Not at all.
That, more than anything, hurts. 

Sirius has, like every normal person who’s been fucking walked out on, imagined what it would be like to see Remus again. He would look the same, he would sound the same, he would act the same. The reality check that is Remus Lupin now, is like when you’re dreaming about your ordinary life. Everything is the same, but nothing is like it’s supposed to be. You’re in your house, it looks like it should be, except…except it’s all a bit out of place, a bit unfamiliar. A bit wrong. 

Remus now, he looks sort of the same, but more rough and tired. Like he’s been surviving rather than living. He looks older too, firm and stoic. Sirius doesn't really want to think about a Remus who’s been surviving. He doesn't want to think about anything that brings sympathy to the case. He’s not allowed to be mad. He’s not allowed to resent. But that does not mean he feels pity. That pity went away a long time ago. The ‘I understand your reasoning’ is no longer there. Fuck Remus reasoning.

Sirius had, of course, not said that. He had said what he knew James or Peter would have said
‘We never stopped being your friend’.
Because that is in many ways the plain truth. They never stopped wanting Remus. They were not the ones who walked away. 

They moved two hours away. They moved, and it was inevitable and Remus stayed behind, which was also kind of inevitable, but that doesn't make his actions right or excusable.

He doesn’t think about the whole ‘Remus Lupin befriending Regulus Black’ thing, either.. He wouldn't be able to handle it. The anger. Plain ugly fury. Each time his mind slips past the whole constellation, he feels too much of the wrong kind. 

He wonders if James would have anything to say about that. About him being angry at Remus for taking Regulus to his side. He hasn't told James about it. That little detail slipped his mind when he called James in the bathroom at work after the two appeared together. He didn't mention Regulus’ presence, and he likely won’t either. 

It still feels unreal. Earlier today, he took a walk with Remus Lupin on his lunch break. Whilst doing that, he had to cancel meeting up with Bertha, his kind of girlfriend situation. Which now, for some reason, feels quite shameful. He ditched a date for a tosser who’s done nothing but fuck him over. 

At the very moment, Sirius is sitting on the kitchen island drinking a rather nasty beer whilst looking at Peter chopping an onion. Music is playing from the speaker, rather shit music. 

“SHOULD I GIVE UP OR SHOULD I JUST KEEP CHASING PAVEMENTS-”

“Peter please, shut the fuck up.”

Marlene, who's currently sitting beside him, is doing a fine job drinking her bodyweight in wine. 

“Can’t shut up, it’s Adele, her songs are made to be screamed” Peter responds a little too jolly.

“Are so not” 

“Are”

Marlene downs her glass and reaches for the bottle to, once again, fill it to the rim. 

“You do realize, arriving hammered is not a good first impression when going on a date?” 

“Can’t help it, Sirius, I’m like, worried and nervous. These are feelings I almost never experience. I don't really know what to do with myself.”

Peter looks up from his chopping at that “That's why online-dating is a load of crap, ye never really know what yer getting yourself into” 

“Well, love, I enjoy the unknown” Marlene takes another big swing of the wine. 

“Then why are you agitated?”

“Because! This one seems rather cool, like, actually properly cool…I’m used to being the cool one”

Sirius can’t help but smile at that “Oh, the bright side of only ever dating nobs.”

James enters from the bathroom then, towel around his waist, hair all drippy. “WOULD IT BE A WASTE? EVEN IF I KNEW MY PLACE, SHOULD I LEAVE IT THERE? SHOULD I GIVE UP”

They all ignore his gorgeous entry and continue like nothing.

“It’s a good thing Marls, actually liking the person you're gonna meet up with, you do know that, right?” Peter says it with teary eyes which is just, oh so funny. For a while, he wore sunglasses, whilst chopping onions, but James banned it with the reasoning ‘chop and cry like a real man, you wimp’

“If she keeps drinking like that she’s gonna make a fool out of herself” James sits down on a bar chair at the kitchen-isle and points meaningly at Marlene who would impress the holic next door with her speed consumption. 

“She’s not from here, she's from Brighton.”

“Brighton? Well on with it, what’s her name? I might know her!” James is rookously excited, as if the idea of Marlene hooking up with an old childhood friend is the coziest outcome ever. 

“Dorcas!..She's gorgeous too! I might need another bottle.”

“Doesn’t really ring any bells there. The downside of going to a internat school, you get to know people from everywhere but your own hometown” 

“James, are you mad? We are all from the same town. We are also the only ones you hung out with at school.” 

Sirius can’t help but wonder if the other boys’ minds goes to Remus over Peter's statement. Because he’s not here in the room and the ‘We’ in that sentence does therefore not include him. He is going to be tough, in this room, in this kitchen and apartment. In about an hour he’s going to be here and eat and talk and, as he so simply put it, ‘catch up’.

The others were on board with the arrangement just as happily as Sirius had predicted. James says it’s going to be a reunion like no other. ‘The marauders, all back together better than ever’. To him, it’s not a shy ‘catching up’. To him this is just things finally falling back to place.

As if Remus have had a tantrum which is now settling and the shore is once again visible after the storm. 

“I don’t know a lot of others though. You lot are pretty much it, and Peter, you shouldn't even count! We were basically born together. I'm more stuck with you than your buddy!”

“Cheers to that Jamie! Always so charming, but never to me.”

“Guys, please bring the focus back to me for a second. I’m going on a first date with a smokes-how of a woman and I’m going to be drunk as a quill.”

“Taking a piss, are you? I’ve been trying to stop you ever since you had your second glass” 

To prevent Marlene from drinking more, Sirius does what a rational man in this situation naturally would. He takes the glass from her, downs the almost full thing and stretches for the bottle for a second round. Because, yes, the best way to prevent somebody from having something is to take it yourself. Also, yes, maybe Sirius too, is shitball nervy, and in need of a bit of a calmer.

Twenty minutes later, a, more than tipsy Marlene, says goodbye to the others for her date with a girl named Dorcas who just so happens to be from Brighton. Left are three boys waiting for a fourth, to come have dinner with them.

“I wonder if he’s found himself a las, yet.”

“Or a bloke, Peter.”

“Stop trying to catch me in a homophobic act, James, fuck sake. I don’t care where the wee goes as long as he gets laid.”

“Do you recon he would like that? Blokes, I mean” Sirius feels almost dirty asking. 

“Can’t really tell you, I'm as oblivious as one can be about our long-distance-friend-slash-not-friend-slash-maybe-friend-again. I mean, we don’t even know his favorite food anymore, do we?” Peter smiles as he says it. As if that fact alone isn’t the most devastating thing on this side of the galaxy. “But he was never really a ladies’ man back in school, was he?” 

James looks very much displeased with the ongoing conversation and says, whilst stirring the pot on the stove “He was never really a blokes-man, either. But that isn't for us to speculate in. Let him tell us about his love life when he gets here”

“Can’t be worse than Sirius love-life can it? I mean even if he’s grown up to be a charms-man he can’t possibly beat Black in the ‘breaker of hearts’ act.”

“Sorry did I take a shit in your tea? Why are you being a dick? Call me a player but don’t make me sound like a slag in the process.”

“Oi, we don’t use that word in negative manner in this household” 

“Sorry James…Besides, I'm with Bertha, my lovelife is going great.” 

Peter scoffs at that, which isn’t surprising. Sirius himself cringed as he said it. 

“Bertha doesn’t even like you, she just thinks you're fine company and a fun distraction.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“She told you that, love.” Peter winks, as if he’s anything remotely close to a charming jokester. As if he doesn't have the saddest excuse of a lovelife, himself.

Just as Sirius is about to talk back, there's a knock at the door, and even in his doozy state, three glasses of wine and too many beers in. He can feel his heart stop in his chest and his blood freeze in his veins.  Because, Remus bloody Lupin has arrived.

It’s going to be fine. 

It’s going to be nice.

Sirius can’t be mad, he’s not allowed to be. 

It’s going to be a couple of old friends catching up 

It’s going to be ‘catching up’.

Then Remus is going to go back to Brighton and keep being best friends with Regulus and not write and not call and everything is going to go back to normal. It’s just one night. 

One night of not being mad. 

Then it’s going to be over, it’s going to be the closure that Sirius has been waiting for. Because even if Remus says he wants to be friends again, the boy's eyes say he’s going to run aways as soon as people stop expecting it. 

This isn't going to begin again, it’s not going to last 

It’s one night, 

one night. 

It feels like a lie.